She-Hulk #3

I bet Doom's penis has a little metal mask on it.

This is the part of my She-Hulk Commentary where I grab a random piece of writing out of one of the towering stacks of scribbled on sheets and half-filled journals and transcribe it here. It's an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Random Feature That Nobody Asked For But Fuck You Because Are You Paying For This? No, I Didn't Think So Random Feature! Some of my other ETACTRFTNAFBFYBAYPFTNIDTS Random Features are Old Trivia, Other Things I'm Reading, Castrate Scott Lobdell With Words, The History of Tess, and Pictures of My Cat in a Shirt. Once again, the actual comic book commentary will follow the Blockquoted text.

This piece was written fifteen or more years ago for a text adventure game I was writing that would have been played on FedoraMUSH. At this point in the game, the player would be stuck in a huge crowd at a concert and every move toward the stage, they'd get a little more of this text which was being spoken by the singer of the band.

When does it happen? When does the urge to know more, to do more, suddenly force its way into the base of your brain? What drives this gnawing something toward freedom, toward a sudden explosion of voice and raw visibility?

How come knowing is not enough? What forces expression? What is the drive? Where is the thing? When does passion become fear? When does fear destroy passion?

Fear drives us toward the life they expect. Fear keeps us from the life we want. Passion drives us towards the dream. Passion keeps us from settling, settling, settling.

Can a dying soul transmigrate into the child already forming in the womb? I have always been the Lizard King. I have always done anything. Father, I want to kill you. Mother. I want to.... All night. All night.

I dream because it's easy. Facing the beauty of thoughts unbound is too tough in the waking light. I know what I know but I know it's not enough. You must see me. You must hear me. How do I express what can't be expressed? Can you hear that which I know in the music we produce? Why isn't this, even, enough? What drives us all to die in an empty bath in Paris?

If Jimi were first, and Janis was second, and I--was it I?--I was third...does that not imply a fourth and so forth? An infinite succession. A regression. A submission.

Blake knew. But Blake knew a lot. Blake was the perfect solution of passion and fear. I can't see all of you. Just the ones. Just the ones. Do you see me?

What, today, is your opiate? What, finally, ultimately, keeps you from where that thing--that gnawing, biting thing at the base of your brain--is driving you to go? Is it music? Is it television? Is it food? Is it loneliness? Is it fear? Is it compassion? Is it understanding? Is it yesterday? Is it tomorrow? Is it age? Is it a woman? Is it a man? Is it discontent? Is it disassociation? Is it disgruntlement? Is it discovery? Is it disturbing? Is it disparaging? Is it disappointment? It is disabling? Is it? Is it? Is it?

Jesus Christ. Hey, Tess from Fifteen Years Ago? Continuously asking questions is not profound! Although, to be fair to younger me, this is an excerpt of a larger piece. The themes and the questions would have worked better in the larger context of the game which was a trip through a labyrinth where the player would encounter many characters from literature. It was never finished because I didn't finish it before I thought up a new idea that interested me more. Like Don Draper, I love the beginnings of things.

Last week on She-Hulk Presents Marvel Comics She-Hulk Presents With She-Hulk.

I appreciate that She-Hulk is up front about how many fucking advertisements Marvel packs into their comic books. I swear the money they make on the cover price must be all profit! Unless their ad space is super cheap. Maybe I should buy an ad in She-Hulk!

In the past, a person picking up a She-Hulk comic might have expected a lot of punching and maybe even a hefty dose of Green Tits and Ham. But not these days! These days if you pick up a She-Hulk comic book, you're going to get lots and lots of law mumbo jumbo! Legal Hoodoo! Judicial shucks and jives! So if you find two people discussing court cases panel after panel a bit on the boring side, you probably want to avoid this comic book. Although if you really like monkeys slapping their penises against notepads, then you might want to reconsider!

Oh wait. That's a pencil. Sorry for arousing your arousal.

I'd read a comic book about a monkey's penis. It would probably give the person that sucked on it three sex wishes but each sex wish would come true in a really ironically horrible way! It would basically be the porno version of The Monkey's Paw.

Pretty soon, She-Hulk and Doom's son speak some more about what it takes to gain political asylum. They're all "blah blah law blah" and "blah blah blah DOOOOM! blah" and "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog." It's all very fascinating for people whose penises get erect and whose vaginas excrete lubrication when they read law talk. For everybody else, their sexual pleasure while reading this must be derived from the monkey fucking a thimble.

Unless he's drinking some tea. Sorry again!

It has crossed my mind that some people are not reading this comic book for sexual gratification. But only briefly. What other reason would someone be reading a She-Hulk comic book?!

So after the erotic panel with the monkey and the sexy, fucktease thimble, She-Hulk and Kristoff discuss some more legal tactics like how they have to file for political asylum in about fifteen minutes or else the window to petition for asylum closes. It's some law stuff that you can only understand if you went to law school for ten years only to discover you'd rather write comic books or do something important with your life.

On the way to the courthouse, some comic book action finally occurs as She-Hulk discovers Kristoff's chauffeur is a Doombot!

This time I'm sorry there's no monkey in the picture. It's probably a Doombot anyway.

Now, I know this book has been very limiting in the ways it has tried to awaken the lascivious natures of the readers. Either you had to be aroused by lawyers or snobs or green women or monkeys or super hot thimbles. But after killing the Doombot (which probably aroused some really creepy readers who are into Robot Snuff Fiction), something happens that is sure to pin the throttle in your pants! To get to the courthouse before the judge leaves, She-Hulk and Kristoff steal one of the Fantastic Four's Penis Ships!

BOING and/or GUSH! Silly sexual sound effects courtesy of my Spanish half.

A horde of Doombots (I think a group of Doombots is called a "Victory of Doombots") tries to stop She-Hulk and Kristoff from getting into the courthouse. But thanks to some subterfuge and a sober Hellcat, the Doombots fail at their task! And that leads to more law talk in the courthouse! That's a euphemism for sex!

No, no. Just kidding. It's actually a euphemism for itself which makes it not a euphemism at all. Unlike anytime anybody says anything with the word "monkey" in it. That's always a euphemism for something sexual and horribly degrading.

The judge grants the petition for asylum or however you would phrase it so that it makes sense legally. But that's when Doom crashes into the courthouse and makes a mockery of our legal system.

Can you actually make a mockery of a system that pretty much writes all the jokes for you?

Anyway, Doom takes his son and heads back to Latveria. I don't think She-Hulk was paid. Oh well. Maybe she can sell the Doombots for scrap. Although she's been in the courthouse for about ten minutes, so some meth addicts have probably already made off with the metal.

She-Hulk #3 Rating: It wasn't anywhere near as sexy as I was hoping but it was an enjoyable read in other ways. Maybe my next comic book, The Phantom Stranger, will satisfy me in an adult way. The title already sounds promising!