Inhuman #1

I'm actually kind of hoping Charles Soule writes a shitty comic book so I can drop this comic immediately.

I'm not sure I should have picked up this comic book. All I know about the Inhumans is that they once lived on the moon and Quicksilver was married to and had a baby with one of them. I think Medusa was one of them. I don't even know if this comic book has anything to do with that group. Plus, Marvel touting it as a "latest epic" makes it seem like it's ripe for crossing over and I will not be buying any huge Marvel Universe Crossovers. I just don't have the time and I probably don't have the money. And that is why I hope this comic book makes me fart blood.

The issue begins by giving me a quick history of the Inhumans!

Millions of years ago, when humankind was in its infancy, an alien civilization called the Kree experimented on ancient Homo Sapiens [So like how the Anunnaki created us to mine gold for them?]. The experiments created a new race who called themselves Inhumans [So even before modern languages and before the word "human" existed, they decided to differentiate themselves by calling themselves inhuman? Okay.], an evolutionary leap over their cave-dwelling brethren [The X-men?].

When one of these Inhumans discovered a chemcal called Terrigen that unlocked secret super powers buried in the DNA by the Kree, it fragmented Inhuman society. Some Inhumans stayed in their home city of Attilan, some mixed with regular humans and some just disappeared... [Shouldn't that ellipsis have four periods?]

Thousands of years later, Black Bolt, the King of the Attilan Inhumans, detonated a Terrigen bomb to save the world from an incredible threat [A flatulent Wolverine?]. This Terrigen bomb destroyed Black Bolt's city and created a cloud of Terrigen Mist that has been floating around the world [Oh! Like in Ms. Marvel. Does that mist just float into every new #1 comic book? Makes telling origin stories easy enough.] activating the DNA of humans that had no idea they were part of a secret history or that they were...

The story begins with a young man named Kristian (the hero of the story!) disrespecting a woman which results in a large man's fist disrespecting Kristian's nose. A healthy dose of Terrigen Mist is blowing into Bergen, Norway (where the story opens!) threatening to secret originize Kristian and his sidekick, Erik. You can tell Erik is the sidekick because he's not angry, he's got mousy brown hair, he wears glasses, and he's acting more reasonable than Kristian. You can tell Kristian is the hero because he's bleeding all over the barroom floor.

Erik decides he's going to hide in the women's bathroom and stuff his orifices with sanitary napkins while Kristian, showing the true spirit of a hero, walks out of the bar and directly into the mist where it slimes all over him and makes him cry like a twenty four year old man being sodomized by a gelatinous monster.

Mostly because that's exactly what happens.

Back in New York City, Medusa, Queen of the Inhumans, stares into a locket containing a picture of her husband (whom I recognize as Black Bolt! Unless I'm wrong!) and her son (whom I recognize as Tim Drake aka Harvest!). Her servant tells her that Eldrac the Door has been found. That probably means something. Like that Eldrac the Door was recently lost. Eldrac is an anagram of cradle. Does that mean anything? No? Medusa is an anagram of amused. Does that one mean anything?!

That scene is over so it's back to Norway where Kristian continues to be sodomized while encased in a gigantic green cocoon. Some guy named Lash comes along and carries him off to pupate in private. Although Lash sits nearby and stares. What if Kristian can't pupate with someone watching?

Lash tells Kristian the story that I learned early from this comic book. But Kristian gets pictures whereas I only received words. Although I'm getting to share in Kristian's pictures! And from what I've seen so far, I don't know if Medusa is wearing really tight clothing or if she's purple and goes about naked and has no nipples.

She is Lady Godiva-esque. So I wouldn't be surprised if she was naked. Also, DC's Godiva should start going about naked when she shakes off the embarrassment of being a part of Justice League International and returns.

Eldrac is a large person that is also a large structure. Unless it's the other way around. Whatever it is, its power is to send people where they need to be by swallowing them. He eats Medusa because how could you not? Rowr!

Meanwhile in Des Plaines, Illinois, the City of Destiny!, some drummer named Dante heads out to play a wedding. This must be a dream sequence because the only American city in the Marvel Universe is New York. Maybe Charles Soule is unfamiliar with the Marvel geography and he simply goofed this assignment. Dante (is he going to fall victim of the Terrigen Mist and become Purgatorio since Vibe's brother decided not to take that awesome name?) has a sick mother and a sister with a baby and a dead husband. He takes care of them by playing the drums in a cover band. I bet he prefers playing Peter Gabriel Genesis songs more than Phil Collins Genesis songs. Maybe he's a Mike and the Mechanics kind of guy? No, no. Why would he give a shit about him when Dante's a drummer?!

Sorry, Kristian. It looks like you're going to be relegated to sidekick. It's obvious that Dante is the hero from the cover. PURGATORIO!

Back in Norway, Kristian hatches from his cocoon. And I guess he's too ugly and too purple and too slimy because Lash disintegrates him. Although Kristian was pretty slimy so maybe he'll be able to pull himself back together. He still has a chance to become a sidekick!

The scene changes in this comic book are fast and furious like a movie about homoerotic car thieves because pretty soon we're all back in Des Plaines, including Lash. The mists have hit here as well, transforming Gabriela's mother and brother (PURGATORIO!) and probably her baby into cocoons.

Damn it. I was hoping I could warp reality and change what we all knew was coming. I so want a hero named Purgatorio. I guess he's going to go full cliche and take the name Inferno.

Before Lash can kill Dante because Lash just seems to like killing new Inhumans instead of accepting them into the fold, Medusa appears and saves him. Because she's from Attilan the Flying City where everybody gets to have a super power no matter how stupid it might be. Seriously, if they killed people for having shitty super powers, Medusa would be the first to go. Super hair?

Medusa lets Danta know that he's going to have to choose between Team Attilan or Team Orollan because she's an asshole and isn't going to let him choose Team Himself and his Sister and his Sister's Baby.

Inhumans #1 Rating: Goddammit. I guess I won't tell the comic book store to remove it from my pull list. My wallet and my finite time hate you, Charles Soule.