Teen Titans #29

I think Solstice already went too far at then end of last issue when she killed that judge. Although I wouldn't put it past Lobdell to completely rewrite the ending of last issue on the first page of this issue because he thinks comic book readers are moronic assholes. Hey, they say we judge others by how we see ourselves!

I have an idea! Can we spread the message that nobody should buy Teen Titans Annual #3? Let's send a message to DC Comics that we won't stand for anything else written by Scott Lobdell! That will be a $4.99 comic book that DC will tank on because we're all sick of the bullshit that forever leaks out of the end of Lobdell's pen. Of course I'll still buy it because you're all going to want to hear how bad it is, right? But nobody else should buy a copy! And then after I read my copy, I'll burn it on camera. Let's spread the message! Just say no to Scott Lobdell's truly offensive* writing!

*I'm not actually offended by anything he does. But I am offended that he's considered a "writer" and that he earns scads and scads of money from his "profession."

This story is called "Sentences" because Solstice and Kid Flash are on the run. This story also begins in The Colony hundreds of years before the story that's currently taking place. It was also before Solstice had stinking, sulfurous skin. It's just her skin's origin that she's telling to Bart in prison and it's not worth talking about. Although when the reader is returned to the future where Solstice and Bart are in prison, well...that's kind of worth talking about.

Yes, yes. Somewhere in the last 15 or so issues, Solstice had her skin lightened so that she's the same shade as Bart. But that's not what I want to talk about.

What I want to discuss is Mad Men. If I wasn't doing this commentary blog, I think I'd be doing an in-depth, episode by episode look at Mad Men. But I'm not doing that and I am doing this and maybe I should have typed those out in reverse order so that they match the structure of the previous sentence but I didn't. And I'm also not going to say much about Mad Men except that I've been rewatching Season Five in preparation for Season Seven (yes, yes. I'll get to six as well) and I just watched the Ho Jo Mo Lo episode. That's Howard Johnson Motor Lodge for you uncool non-hep cat squares. Jane, on acid, has that incredible insight into how relationships truly fall apart little by little when she says that bit to Roger about being kissed by another man, putting a stop to it, and then feeling bitter and resentful that her willpower was not rewarded by Roger even though he couldn't have known what had happened. That's truly the kind of insight you have while on acid and it was beautiful. Of course, you also have insights like thinking words and pictures on paper would be an incredible new form of media. Or insights like, "Why when you want to pause a movie, you push pause on the remote control. But then when you want the movie to begin playing, you push pause again?" Or insights like, "Triangles are the perfect shape and the secret of the world lies in the fact that you cannot create a shape with any less lines." So, you know, you get some hits and some misses.

But what truly puts the sentence on the end of that period (or vice versa) is when Megan points out that every time she and Don fight, they destroy a small piece of their relationship. I don't know how Peggy Olsen's story fits in. I think it's something about how when you go to the theater alone and give random hand jobs away to complete strangers, your relationship probably has already fallen apart.

No wait! What I really wanted to talk about with that panel above is how did Solstice lose her cracky skin? I'm assuming the story is going to tell us in a few pages because the only other time she looked human was in that issue where Kurt Loder took away her powers. Remember that one? She wound up naked on a balcony? Also it may have been Kurt Lance and not the MTV News Guy from forever ago. And instead of actually being naked on the balcony, DC told the colorist to paint her skin purple and green because she was too naked. But you can't really just change the color on a drawing of a naked person and pretend that person is suddenly wearing clothing. You have to like add buttons and pockets and sleeves and shit.

Am I done here yet? No? Still more craptacular crap to read? Okay, okay. But hurry it up, will me?

Takron-Galtos is Earth! IT'S EARTH! WHAT DID YOU DO?!

You know how hard it is to read this horrible comic book when I have so many other things to do? It's fucking torture, people! And guess how much money I make taking this bullet for you good-for-nothing slackers?! Let me see. Hmm. How do you work a calculator when you're drunk? What is money multiplied by zero? Is that anything?

Kiran and Bart declare their love for each other and it makes me so happy and weepy! This is the relationship everybody should care about! This one right...wait. No, no. It sucks. It's forced and contrived and doesn't actually mean shit when Bart tried to have all his friends killed earlier just to finish his rebellion. Nice try, Lobdell!

Red Robin stops by to say, "Why the fuck am I wearing a 'T' on my shoulder? Superman doesn't wear a 'JL' on his chest! Shouldn't my shoulders have 'R's on them to stand for Red Robin instead of 'T's which stand for Tim Tastic?"

Did you, though? Did you ever actually do anything to help the world? Wait, wait. Don't answer that. I will. No, you didn't. There wasn't one issue where you actually helped anybody but yourselves. So fuck off, assholes.

I'm kind of sick of these team super hero comic books where the team comes together to improve the world and really just wind up defending themselves from constant attack. Why even bother? Just fucking stay home and stop proving Glorious Godfrey right. Remember Legends? Yeah, he kind of had a fucking point.

"Hey Cassie! Even though all of this horrible shit is befalling our friends, that doesn't mean that I don't still have a penis and you don't still have a vagina, you know?"

Lobdell has a white board hanging in his office that reads, "Comic book fans love young people fucking." I think that's the only rule he follows. He doesn't realize the characters need to become their own persons before falling in love. He doesn't realize that time needs to be spent on characters falling for each other. Unless the comic book begins "in media amare" and then this kind of shit is okay. Although this is sort of realistic! I know whenever I've been in a situation where all of my friends have been killed or eaten or kidnapped or just turned up missing, and I was left alone with a single, solitary friend of the sex I was currently interested in, I tried to fuck that person. It's mother nature!

I also find it awkward using the word "mother" in such close proximity to the phrase "fuck that person."

Wrong! Not because you were a team! Because Cassie didn't want anything to do with your skanky bat ass!

Normally I would crop my scans better than that one up there but I can't spend any more time reading this piece of shit comic book. The Teen Titans have been awful for close to thirty issues now and if you purchased this entire run, shame on you. SHAME! Fuck, I made it a project to read every New 52 book and comment on them and I include myself in that shame! How dare I? How could I? I'm a right asshole for reading this entire series. Please, Jesus, forgive me. For I have sinned. I have pictured Scott Lobdell naked and tied up and suffering horribly in horrible situations varying in degree from rabid wolverines to Africanized honey bees.

Oh man! Is anybody about the same age as me? That would be a young twenty-three? Okay, fine. Forty two. And did you grow up in the United States of America? I grew up in California and nothing really scared me about nature and the world. Earthquakes were no big deal. I never worried about fires or floods or random homicidal maniacs or Bigfoot. But I worried incessantly about Africanized Honey Bees! The news loved to show a chart of the South and North Americas with lines showing, by year, where the bees would reach. I was terrified of the influx of millions of killer bees reaching my city and devastating the population! When AIDS first came on the scene, my first thought was, "Yes! Maybe we can use it to defeat the Killer Bees!"

Finally, Red Robin, Wonder Girl, and Raven are sent back in time by some people wearing skin tight suits that stop just this side of being vulgar. Dammit. When they get back to the New York of The Present, they discover Bunker and Beast Boy battling a couple of jerks calling themselves Light and Way. What assholes.

Teen Titans #29 Rating: Can anybody think of a worse comic book? I bet you can't! If you do, I'll probably hunt it down and read it just so I can shake my head and say, "Dag gum. It really is worse!"