Monday, April 7, 2014

Detective Comics #30

Why is The Flash called Detective Comics this month? And why does he look like Batman?

Remember The Flash's Zero Year story where he got high on drugs because nobody knowing they are bad for you is only half the battle. The other half of the battle, which G.I. Joe never told you, was the hard part of the battle where you had to look uncool around your friends by refusing to take a hit off the bong or being too scared to drop acid at Disneyland. That drug The Flash took was called Icarus! The drug helped people rise above the daily monotony of wandering the labyrinth of their shitty life. But it was too powerful, so the users would get too high and then burn up. It looks like this comic book is going to be about that drug. And Batman. But not The Flash. Buccellato and Manapul ran out of speed puns and were kicked off of that book.

My first prediction about this comic book is that it's going to look much fancier than past issues. My second prediction is that Batman will crash through a window of some sort. My last prediction is that Alfred will say something sassy. Now that I've predicted shit, you have to keep reading to find out if I was right! And if I'm right about any of those things, you should probably have an alcoholic drink. If I'm right about all of those things, you should have lots of alcohol drinks and then do things in front of your web cam that you normally wouldn't do and then submit the video to this site.

First thing I notice is that the book smells good. Really good. Almost sexually good. Like the first time you catch the scent of a potential future partner's nether regions. Except more booky. Also, it fucking looks great. Just like I predicted!

Drink up, Sailors!

I wanted to say "Drink up, Assholes!" but realized I probably should stop being so abusive to my readers. Then I wondered why the fuck Batman was swinging around upside down. Why is he taking such unnecessary risks?! If he breaks his neck, who's going to defend Gotham? Batgirl? Please! Gail Simone probably has her too busy making Macaroni Salad and Ice Skating with Alysia.

I want to amend my statement about the comic book fucking looking great. It's absolutely gorgeous. I would marry it.

Okay, no, I wouldn't marry it. I don't believe the government or religion has any reason trying to force itself on my relationship choices. But I would shack up with it and allow it to pay half the rent every month.

Currently Batman is capturing drug dealers and putting some little kids out of work as he "liberates" them from their jobs running drugs and messages. Also: Drink up, Sailors!

I think this counts as breaking through a window. How is it my fault that the window wasn't replaced from last time Batman broke through it?

Some motorcycle gang called the Wayward Suns Kings of the Sun rescue one of the drug dealers but mostly because the guy stole some of their Icarus. If Batman catches him, they'll never get their shit back. They get away from The Batman and he says, "Hrm." Or "*ttt*". Or some other noise that shows his disapproval. And since Bruce has somewhere important to be, Batman has to let the last two guys go for now.

Bruce has some million dollar meeting at a Motocross. He's meeting with Elena Aguila and her daughter. I don't know why. All I know is that they're taking up valuable pages that could house a scene with Alfred acting sassy! The business meeting is about a bunch of stuff I don't understand.

"Sorry, Miss Aguila, but I think you don't understand how gentrification works and how money gets made. Help people? For free?! I'm the Goddamned Bruce Wayne, motherfucker!"

Bruce will probably agree because he still needs bad parts of Gotham where Batman can bust windows and walls so Bruce can make a bundle with Wayne Construction, Window Repair, and Emergency Dental Surgery.

Bruce agrees to help out Elena's Aguila Healthy Families Initiative even though he stands to make even more money by making the East End a pit of shallow material consumption. Even though he could probably afford a Batcopter and maybe a Bat Space Shuttle with the revenue, he realizes he needs to appear to be saving the city during the day while his alter ego saves the city at night. But this baffles some people who believe the only reason to do anything in life is to earn some cash.

Who named the local news show "Gotham Nighly"? I don't think that makes any sense!

On the waterfront, Mr. Squid, the Icarus Kingpin, is teaching his little brother a lesson that involves feeding a giant squid one of his unloyal henchman. The lesson is don't be an unloyal henchman or you get fed to the Giant Squid. And later in the Batcave, Alfred does get one sassy line but it's overshadowed by some sentimental pap.

You should probably drink up anyway, sailors. It's the best way to numb the pain.

This conversation is interrupted by Elena Aguila rudely immolating on Bruce's doorstep. Probably from Icarus! You can't get any subtle plot points past this Master Comic Book Reader!

Detective Comics #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I suppose I'll give it one point for every thing the story contained that I predicted it would contain! That just means Buccellato and Manapul understand Batman! It also has some other good points like an interesting story and Bruce Wayne doing Bruce Wayne things which we don't really get to see as often as I'd like. Plus I should probably mention the art again. It's pretty good!

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