Batman Eternal #1

This issue should be called "Batman: DC Taking Advantage of Their Cash Cow (Did we mention this stars Batman?)"

Hey everyone! More Batman! DC heard your concerns that They weren't providing enough Batman to the masses and They've taken a step to rectify the problem! Apparently seven monthly issues featuring Batman as a main character weren't doing it for the fans. "Monthly?" they all said as they got another Bat Symbol tattooed on their body. "Can't you get The Batman into my brain space faster than that?"

"What do you want Us to do?" asked DC, scratching Their nearly empty pocket books in contemplation. "How many different Batman stories can We tell?"

"How many writers do you have?" we all shouted in frantic unison as we felt Bat Adrenaline steadily leaking out of our systems. "You had better think of something before we move over to Marvel where they're publishing plenty of Wolverine books that feel just like Batman books when we're jonesing for some gratuitous violence against bad guys!"

"Okay! Okay! Don't talk crazy!" DC frantically called Scott Snyder up to Their offices. DC, by the way, is a many-faced God made from four color printed paper and not a corporation like you might have thought. "SCOTT!" DC boomed, taking on Their majestic omnipotent voice to show They were in charge since They were shorter even than Scott Snyder and They kind of felt uncomfortable with the way he was towering over Them. Could We make a company policy to not allow such high soled boots, DC thought as They enviously gazed up at the bottom of Scott Snyder's chin. "WE NEED A WEEKLY BATMAN COMIC BOOK!"

Scott Snyder snapped his fingers which caused DC to flinch. "I've got it! I'll write a weekly comic book! About Batman!"

"UMM. YES. YOU. UMM. WE JUST...GOOD IDEA, SCOTT." The fans sighed a sigh of relief as they read the news on Newsaramavine that 7-11 had just increased the sizes of Big Gulps to 128 Ounces. Also that DC was publishing a weekly Batman comic book. And everybody lived happily ever after. No wait! First all the local newscasters choked on their own vomit and local news programs became extinct. Now everybody lived happily ever after! Except the families of the local newscasters. But they got over it quickly enough because they soon found that life was better when they didn't have their newscaster family member constantly repeating everything they just saw as if they were the only ones that could understand the most simple visual experiences.

First page and I've already lost interest!

I don't care how this came to pass. I don't care if this is something in the future that must not come to pass. I don't fucking care about glimpses of the future that are supposed to fire my curiosity because I can't wait to find out how Bruce found himself in this situation. I'm also exhausted from stories where the bad guy's motivation is just to stick it to the good guy. So unless the guy speaking right now is Alfred Pennyworth pissed off because Bruce hadn't given him a raise for twenty years, I'm not fucking interested.

But I'll keep reading because I'm a mortal human with a finite amount of time in my life and I need something to fill that time until I die. I mean something easy! I don't want to cure shit or invent stuff. This is the age of inspiration and awareness! Fuck hard work! I just want to look good and spout stupid platitudes!

[ASIDE] My television is playing Jeopardy in the background and they have a Croquet category. They just asked two answers in a row about two of my all time favorite stories ever: Heathers and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Snyder starts over on pages two and three and it's a much better start. Fuck that cliche garbage about showing the reader how horrible things are about to get before we get to the heart of the story. Hey, I have an idea! How about we fucking start with the heart of the story?! And not the heart of the story burning behind Bruce. The heart of the story as seen through the eyes of a hopeful optimist and honest cop just arriving in Gotham (the heart of the story!) to work for Jim Gordon. Also, this new guy Jason Bard might be part of the heart of the story as well. Or he may die by the end of the issue. It could go either way!

Detective Bollock meets up with Bard because Gordon is off trying to not die, which is kind of his day job.

I would guess Gordon is pinned down by Professor Pyg except I don't have to guess because I already read that fucking piece of shit Channel 52 bullshit for some Goddamned reason.

Gordon's waiting for Batman to save his ass (that's Batman's day job!) while Batman waxes nostalgic about escaping death traps and has Jim ever noticed how his enemies seem to have lost the aptitude for them? Apparently Pyg's brought them back and Batman had to take his time escaping from it and reveling in the good time memories the escape brought back.

A chase ensues because a chase always ensues. This is a visual medium and the kids want to see foot races in stop motion animation that hasn't been animated.

Ohh!

Ahh!

Enh. Anyway, that was the Gordon half of the chase. According to Fake Ambush Bug, it's going to end with a subway derailment much like that subway derailment that happened recently. Why didn't DC delay this comic book out of courtesy for the people involved in that accident the way they delayed Batman Incorporated that time?

I don't even know anything about that subway accident or if it was recent or where it was because I do not pay attention to any news reports from anywhere. The people delivering the stories usually make me too angry to even become angry at whatever the stories are about! The Non-Certified Spouse is probably sick of hearing me yell incoherently at the television screen as if the dunderheaded idiots delivering the news could actually hear me. Or even if they could, as if they could comprehend any of the congratulatory proclamations about their parent's ability to steal an ape from the zoo, shave it down, give it a wig and some nice clothing, and raise it as a human child. I get most of my news from gifs on Tumblr.

Tess: "Oh look! A subway derailed today. And a cat tried to jump off a slippery surface and fell on its head."

Batman told Jim to chase the boring guy because Batman wanted to physically hurt Professor Pyg. You see, Pyg has a problem interfering with children. He probably needs some serious help. But instead of being locked away in a place where he might get some counseling and they might actually take his mask away and refuse to call him Professor Pyg, he's probably going to be beaten to a pulp and sent back to Arkham. Good work, Batman!

I think a joke about hogtying Pyg's house would be hilarious!

I didn't know Batman was going to be jokey this issue! I would have brought my Sam and the Firefly voice to the party! Oh well! Today I'm using Angry at Having to Read So Much Batman Voice!

Batman skips the joke and tells Pyg he's going to hurt him really badly. That's when Alfred steps in and distracts Batman because Alfred has a fucking conscience and some ethics. He knows Pyg is a complete sociopath that preys on children but that doesn't mean Batman needs to send Pyg to the hospital. Although Alfred does own that shotgun that he's dying to stick in the Joker's mouth some day.

Back at Gotham Police Headquarters, the new kid Bard discovers that Gotham has a bunch of crooked cops. He's also just in time to join Captain Sawyer and Detective Bullock on a call to provide Gordon with some backup. That might be bad news for the new rookie, right? I bet Gordon accidentally kills him!

Down in the subway, Gordon fucks up and causes two trains to collide. It's obviously a set up because there was an invisible gun involved. Also, the subway system should have more ways to reroute power or override trains or secondary sets of controls for when one, single electrical box blows. Also also, Alfred couldn't shutdown or reroute power to the grid and Alfred can do anything from the Batcave. Batman probably has all of that shit figured out already because he's the World's Greatest Dick-tective.

Oh look! Batman figured it out! But it took longer than I did because I refused to turn the page and let him figure it out before I could type up my thoughts! Ha ha! Stupid Batman.

Batman leaves because he hates having to talk to cops. Dirty Cop Forbes comes up to Gordon and does the typical blame the good guy bullshit. At this point, I'd usually begin tearing my hair out about how cliche it is to have someone blame the good guy just to raise the drama a bit. But this is a dirty cop and he hates clean cops and Jim is the king of the clean cops. So if this is his chance to get Gordon off his back, he's going to take it. It's actually a stupid time to make the move because blame for this tragedy is never going to stick to Gordon when all the facts are in. But Dirty Cop Forbes is either stupid or working with the people framing Gordon.

The real problem is going to be when those dunderheaded newscasters get wind of this. Speculation?! Let's run with it! All the Speculation That's Fit to Print! That's our motto!

No! Stop it! Destroy the presses! This is not Ambush Bug! I repeat! This is not Ambush Bug!

Batman Eternal #1 Rating: I'll begin this one at Rank #26. It'll get to change every week, so pick up the story in the present if you want me to enjoy it, Mr. Snyder! And since I'm the only person that matters in my life, you should do what I say. Actually, since you're just a projection of one of my smaller issues, you'll probably end up doing exactly what I want you to do! Being the only person that actually exists is pretty fantastic sometimes.