Aquaman #29

Let me guess: once again, Aquaman saves more people before they're eaten?

Aquaman's trident was stolen at his high school reunion because Linda Patterlini got drunk and fucked Tommy Weisinger in the coat room, leaving the door unlocked when they slunk out after. Actually, he left his trident at the lighthouse where it was stolen because some guy sneaking around Amnesty Bay the last few issues guessed Aquaman's alarm code (passwordfish) and gained access to the lighthouse. He then instantly traveled halfway across the globe to stick the trident in a trident-shaped hole. I don't know why he did it but those kind of archaeological shenanigans never bring anything but pain.

This month, Aquaman discovers his Trident is missing and says, "Hey Mera, how many times have I told you not to touch my trident?!" And Mera says, "I didn't touch your trident." Aquaman says, "I suppose it just got up and walked away on its own then?" And Mera says, "Do you really want to get into this? You're the asshole with all the mortal enemies."

And then Mera punched him in the face.

Luckily Aquaman's cute high school friend that became a police officer is on the case! She comes by to let Aquaman and Mera know that a small plane left in the middle of the night.

Erika: "The plane was registered to archaeologists! You know how much trouble they can wind up being in fiction when in reality they're pretty fucking boring people."
Mera: "Oh, how cute. You're so good at your job, Erika! I can tell you're confident by the way you don't do anything about your freckles and have no qualms about just sticking your hair in a bun before going out."
Erika: "Yeah, um, thanks. Look, the plane was headed to the Azores in the middle of the Atlantic. You'd better hurry if you don't want to be battling Cthulhu or Dagon next issue."
Mera: "It just makes you look so young and adorable! Does that help you get the drop on bad guys? They think, 'What is this little tomgirl going to do?' And then BAM! You take 'em out with your cute little fists, right? I prefer to have my opponents think, 'Holy fuck is that woman sexy!' before making them choke on their own snot."
Erika: "Yeah. Um. Okay. Look, I can watch Salty while you guys are gone, okay?"
Mera: "Actually, Salty is a little skittish around women with small breasts. We're going to leave him in a kennel."

That's when Erika swears more than she probably should in a teen rated comic book before storming out of the lighthouse with tears stinging her eyes. Not in the normal, cliché way but in the way where Mera is manipulating them to reverse direction and grind against Erika's corneas like the jealous Queen of the Sea she is.

And they all said, "Yeah, it doesn't work like that."

All the physicists tried to direct Doctor Evans to the Department of Magic but he insisted this was a scientific endeavor. And that's why to prove his theory, he needed to steal Aquaman's magic trident. "This magic trident will prove the science!" he proclaimed on camera as he shoved the trident into the stone hole! "It's as simple as two plus two equaling abra cadabra!"

A strange, warm gate slowly begins to open. I think Doctor Evans may have found the key to unlocking Atlantis's version of The Phantom Zone! Now everybody watching the event will probably file lawsuits later because they weren't expecting their faces to melt off.

"Is this supposed to happen?" "I have no idea! Science is completely unpredictable!"

If Doctor Evans had consulted the university's Department of Magic, he would have known that he had just opened a portal to a prison plane that contained all of the ancient Greek Titans and other monsters. I'm sure somewhere, Wonder Woman is feeling a great disturbance in the force. Basically, Doc Evans just opened up the Atlantean Phantom Zone.

A harpy-naga-gorgon isn't content to just kill everybody at the premier of Titans Gone Wild. She needs to show Doc Evans where he went wrong in his translations. He mistook the word "hell" for the word "gate." Whoops! Common error, I suppose. She also goes on to explain that maybe these monsters aren't Titans at all! They might be the Nephilim! Quick! Somebody call Coast to Coast AM! And then call the Guinness Book of World Records and find out the record for most people jizzing in their pants after hearing their wacky theories were actually true!

I know, I know! They're just children of the Titans. But I wanted to make a Coast to Coast AM joke! Also, what's a better definition of the Nephilim than the children of Titans! Here's another thing the experts on Coast to Coast AM do: they declare there are no coincidences and anything in a mythological record that is similar to anything else in a different mythological record is talking about the same event. And that event, obviously, involved aliens.

Meanwhile there's a bureaucratic emergency in Atlantis that needs Aquaman's attention! Papers need to be shuffled! Theories need to be debated! Global catastrophes caused by other comic book characters need to be mentioned! But Aquaman is busy with that Nephilim thing, so Mera heads off to calm down the bureaucrats.

Oh, that was just Swamp Thing showing off. I don't think the red algae will be bothering anybody anymore since Swamp Thing gave his power to a young, male lover.

Meanwhile on the Azores, the Children of the Titans are busy eating the humans that had gathered to see a fringe scientific theory proven. Well, I have to say they're getting what they deserve! This is what happens when fringe scientists don't take the proper precautions to set up a magical defense. And you know what happens when something tries to eat something else in this comic book? Aquaman stops the meal! Aquaman! Defender of food!

Seriously though. This is the third plot in a row with Aquaman stopping things from eating other things.

"This meal is OVER!"

I hope next issue has Aquaman storming a McDonalds and knocking hamburgers out of everybody's mouths. "Stop eating the poorly cooked land fish! Have any of you heard the wonders of couscous?!"

Aquaman finds Doc Evans and says, "Dude?!" And Doc Evans goes, "I know!" And Aquaman goes, "Dude!" Actually, Doc Evans says he stole the trident because he couldn't risk Aquaman saying no for stupid reasons. Aquaman gestures at all the monsters that are now eating because of Doc Evans. Doc Evans says, "But I really wanted to prove my theory! Boo hoo!"

The Nephilim Titan Monsters recognize Aquaman's belt buckle and stop eating. They'd rather kill the king of Atlantis! But that honor is probably going to be saved for the guest of honor who is only just now emerging from the Atlantean Phantom Zone. Here's a hint: it's probably that dude on the cover.

I'd scan in a picture of him as he emerges to kill Arthur but you can just scroll back and look at the cover again. That's him. The big guy with the fiery crotch.

The Naga Harpy calls the big guy "Olympian" so my guess is he's DC's version of Hercules. He probably got drunk and bragged to somebody that he could sink Atlantis and then did that. Even if it was explained differently somehow earlier. Forget that. I like the idea of Hercules drunkenly smashing Atlantis into the sea. So he was imprisoned. But now he's out and ready for revenge! Unless this isn't Hercules. Maybe it's Atlas.

Damn it. He was actually helping and not drunk at all. Although he could have been drunk while helping! Which is why he stumbled into Hell. It's his own fault. Buzzed saving the day is drunk saving the day. I saw that on a billboard.

Aquaman #29 Rating: No change. This comic book isn't going to win any awards for high brow intellectual snobbery but it was still a good example of a comic book that is total fun comic bookery. So it has that going for it. Plus Hercules the Drunk Motherfucker guest stars! Yay!