New Guardians #30

Is it a compliment to be killed by a Godkiller?

Last issue ended when the Godkillers shoved their sharp, pointy phalli through X'hal's shiny body. Nobody had any time to weep before Channel 52 barged in to declare they were live and on the scene and the only place you'll hear their breaking news.

Speaking of the way shitty local news teams go about their business, my favorite part of local news casts is when they have a reporter live on the scene of a news story even though the story happened twelve hours ago and there's nothing to be seen and nobody to talk to. It's like they've forgotten the entire point of news teams being on the scene of emergencies to find out what happened from emergency workers or police officers or severely traumatized mothers who just lost their children. Now they think having a reporter live on the scene where something happened long ago is supposed to be impressive. It's also amusing when the newscaster brings a prop along just in case the viewers don't know what a "laptop" or a "tree branch" looks like.

On Location Local Newscaster: "I'm here live at the scene where just sixteen hours ago, this school's computers [Newscaster holds up laptop as camera zooms in for nice close up view] were hacked by an unknown agency! We were here first early in the day where we shot this footage that was live at the time and I'm not bringing to you live on location! Also, you won't hear this story anywhere else because, well, frankly it's pretty boring bullshit that doesn't really affect any but the smallest amount of viewers sitting at home picking their noses right now. But hopefully the story will scare you enough that you'll visit our webpage where you'll have to click through about seven pages in an attempt to increase our ad revenue! Now back to the assholes in the warm studio!"

This issue begins with X'hal exploding and the Godkillers high-fiving each other in Lantern Rayner's face. That's too much to take and Rayner attacks them.

But Rayner and Carol Ferris, even the Bohemian Guardians, are not gods. So how can they stand against killers of gods?!

In the end, it's always the worshipers that wind up getting it in the throat.

X'hal's response is basically a hearty "Fuck You." On worlds across the universe, worshipers hang their heads in faithful disappointment, shrug, and think, "What else is new?" Or maybe they all cheer her on because they're happy to die for their god, the miserable idiots.

The first of X'hal's worshipers to die at the hands of Freebie Freeman is Kalandar, the high priestess of X'hal. Or something. I forget her rank! But she was important and Kyle had a bit of a crush on her, so now he's angry that she's been killed.

Not everyone who dies deserves to die. I'd go so far as to say that nobody who dies deserves to die! We all die in some manner or form at some random moment in our lives. Life just comes to an end. Whether or not somebody deserves to die is not a biological consideration. No wait! I take back what I just said! Somebody that punches a tiger in the face deserves to die because that's simply the natural effect of that stupid ass cause! Although if taken in the sense that the person deserved to die due to her actions being despicable and unkind, I don't see that as being the case. The deserving is only due to the barely thought out consequences of her actions.

Boy, that woman in my supposition was stupid! Punching a tiger in the face! What a fictional idiot!

Kyle finishes his thought about Kala not deserving to die by grabbing Freebie Freeman by the throat and saying, "But you do!" I'm not saying Kyle doesn't have the right to kill this person for whatever reasons Kyle can come up with! If he's got the power to end this guy's life and he feels the guy's life should end, well, the guy's life just might end. But I'm simply being a philosophical douchebag about using the term "deserved." And Kyle is wrong here. Fucking Gandalf would agree with me.

Nobody winds up dying. Carol shoves her love harpoon into Freebie Freeman to discover where all of his lovers are located. She passes that knowledge on to Kyle who then uses the Indigo Power of Nok-Nok to Nok-Nok the Nok-Noks away from the Nok-Noks that they want to Nok-Nok. And the day is saved!

Almost!

Don't worry. Kyle doesn't die. X'hal leaves with Kala's body. And the Godkillers are now stranded on the ruined ex-home of the Blue Lanterns. And that's kind of how it all wraps up. The Guardians are concerned that Kyle is way too powerful than he should be, so he probably needs an Annual to straighten that shit right up.

New Guardians #30 Rating: No change. It was a bit anti-climactic. No gods were killed. X'hal's mysteries were not delved. Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris are still just friends, thankfully. And Zalla the Bohemian Guardian is developing a taste for battle! Pretty soon she'll be developing a taste for manipulating the universe towards her own ends. And then we're going to be right back where we started.