Green Lantern Corps #30

The Green Lanterns have a problem with Durlans in the same way that Earthlings have a problem with the Lizard People.

As you know, everybody is writing a novel. Most of us will never finish our novel at all. In fact, most of us will write novels that use the phrase "in fact" way too often, punctuating paragraphs with phrases like "very unique" and "literally walking on clouds." In fact, that last fact was completely incorrect because I said "most of us will write" when I actually meant "almost none of us will write." Most of us will write scenes inside of our head but never attempt to put them down in a book in a fairly linear manner. Unless we're avant-garde writers and then we'll make sure that our narrative has been exploded all over the place like a World War II Bomber falling out of the sky or like guts falling out of a man named Snowden who is very cold or like a frightened populace that suddenly doesn't know what the fuck is going on because somebody dropped a big bomb on somebody else and suddenly everything was different for some reason. I thought that since I am one of those people that will probably wind up having my novel published posthumously when some editors decide all of the notes all over my house can be put together into a coherent story even though I never did it because I'm lazy and unambitious, I would give everybody a very small sample of this literally very unique work!

This is an excerpt from my novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous (subtitled, And My Mother Proud), which is about a guy that's a metaphor for some other guy living in a world that's a vague metaphor that can easily be recognized by anybody reading the book as their own world.

“Keep the change, Samantha,” said the mysterious man. He wished this was another day and age. Not like last Wednesday but like King Arthur’s day and age so that he could take up her hand and kiss it and she would swoon all about the room and have babies with him. But it wasn’t a good old time like that at all. It was the modern times. And modern times insisted that you keep up a wall around you at all times and not get too close to every single person you interact with during the day. Probably because of lawsuits and germs, so it was a pretty good idea to not touch his mouth to her hand which was probably crawling with diseases from the last fifteen guys who bought coffee from her and fantasized about her doing chores in her underwear also.

“Thanks,” said Berkshire in that way that is almost sarcastic because it was only fifty cents he was tipping her but not quite sarcastic in case he decides to give her less next time and, really, she was glad to have the extra change since most people just used their debit cards and didn’t even consider tipping because who carries change anymore?! Berkshire handed him his coffee and turned to the next customer in line who could have been anybody because they’re not important to the rest of the story.

"Holy heck!" you're probably thinking! As well as, "What does that have to do with the Green Lantern Corps?!" Sure, I see your point. I also see that those future editors might mistakenly label my novel as a work of modernist humour when it is so obviously a horror romance. I should leave a note for future editors so they put the novel in the right section of the online bookstore.

Here are your precious Green Lanterns! I apologize if Van Jensen can't make them as entertaining as my novel.

Von Daggle is currently giving the Green Lantern Corps a refresher course on Durlans. Let's see. He tells them they can take the shape of anything. Arisia scrunches up her nose and tilts her head and says, "Anything? Like...even a bird?" Von Daggle snaps his fingers and says, "Yes! Yes! You have it! Even a bird! Even...even...A BUG!" Gasps gasped out of the assembled Green Lanterns. "Shirley, you are joking." None of the Green Lanterns were named Shirley and none of them had ever seen Airplane, so John Stewart pretended he wasn't the one who said that last line. And then, just as the Green Lanterns were coming to terms with the Durlans abilities and they thought they truly understood the threat they were facing, Von Daggle stopped them all from leaving by saying, "Stop! Don't leave!" For you see, the Green Lanterns needed to know the true danger they were in! They had to know one last thing that the Durlans might possibly become. Von Daggle waited until just the right amount of time had passed so that everybody was tense but not too much time had passed so that the tension began to wear off before he said: "They can even turn into...PLANTS!" He said that last word in an italicized way for emphasis and not because it was the name of a movie or book. All of the Green Lanterns were suitably terrified. Some of them even began stepping on all the blades of grass they could find. Just in case! But all that did was give Mogo a bruise and an orgasm.

John and Yrra were in the back of the class not paying attention. I bet they get killed by a plant now!

To find the Durlans, Mogo sets herself on fire. It's nothing any of the other Lanterns wouldn't do if asked. I'm fairly certain the Guardians used to frequently ask Green Lanterns to self-immolate all the time. And if the Lanterns didn't honor the request, the Guardians created Manhunters or Third Armies or Autoerotic Asphyxiation Space Monsters. You probably never heard of those last ones since most of them were wiped out by the Crisis on Infinite Earths. Some long time DC fans suspect it was because of those Space Monsters that Crisis on Infinite Earths wiped out everything.

The history of the Durlans is being told sporadically throughout this story by somebody to somebody else. I suppose it's by Van Jensen to me but I think that answer is breaking the illusion of storytelling somehow. Basically, the history of the Durlans can be summed up in three words: they were dicks. Four words if you think "total" should be thrown in there too. I wouldn't argue against it.

Mogo's burning pubes force the Durlans out into the open where the rest of the John Stewart Corps are waiting for them.

Come on, John! How do you keep a Durlan caged?

Apparently the way to keep a Durlan from changing into a creature that can slip through the bars of John's old timey cell construct is to make them burn through their current dose of radiation. Once they run out of radiation, they turn into a pile of intestines with eyeballs. That makes them easy to round up and also easy to call disgusting freaks. Although calling a creature a disgusting freak in front of an army composed of creatures that look like any two things you could find lying around and stick together (like intestines and eyeballs! Or soap and pubic hair!) is a good way to get gossiped about by team members back at the bar at the end of the day. "Arisia thinks she's so hot! Calling Durlans gross! She's gross!" is probably what Fatality would say because she saw the way John was trying to look up Arisia's mini-skirt during the fight.

Finally, Von Daggle ends his Ted Talk on Durlan History. It turns out that the original Durlans were all destroyed in a world shattering war after the Guardians of the Universe banished the entire race to Durla. Only a handful survived but they were in a constant state of flux and looked even more gross than the one Arisia had to look at. They simply became a big pool of shifting mouths and penises and fingers and feet and sphincters. They were totally useless and completely disgusting. So they decided to use their DNA to create clones! A new race of Durlans but ones that had to use radiation to shapeshift and held a huge grudge against the Green Lantern Corps.

One Durlan remains free on Mogo. I don't know how John knows that but it's Muk Muk the Fish Faced Lantern. Unless his name was something else. Grunion Guy, maybe? But what do they do with the other Durlans that are sure to escape? They may have already escaped! Can one Durlan look like multiple Durlans?! Maybe one took a hit for the team while the others turned into Sand Fleas and hopped away?

John has a thing about killing enemies! He gladly kills friends all the time!

Fatality decides this is no time to hunt Durlans or worry about the prisoners. Now is the time for the fucking!

I bet Mogo placed John and Yrra's bed right over one of his erogenous zones.

Meanwhile on Durla, The Ancients don their shape-holding Battle Armor so that they look less gross and head off to destroy the Green Lantern Corps!

Green Lantern Corps #30 Rating: No change. John Stewart has been acting fairly competently lately. What's going on? Why hasn't Hal Jordan sent him on a mission where John can't win? A mission where John winds up having to choose between his partner's death or the death of an entire civilization?! Stewart is being wasted in this comic book. Any competent Green Lantern could run this mission! Give Stewart a mission that will fundamentally change the way he sees himself and what he's capable of!