Gotham Academy #3

How many days of detention do you get for burning down the Cobblepot Family Crypt?

Apparently Olive was the only kid discovered in the burning crypt. The Cult of the Bat members hid when the bucket brigade arrived. And Maps probably found a tunnel down to level two where she killed three orcs and found a magic dagger. So now Olive gets to spend time in detention with the kid she busted for selling whatever he was selling last issue. I can't be expected to remember trivial details across all fifty two plus comics I read every month. Can I? Maybe that's all that's expected of me! Shit. I'd better start taking this comic book reading thing seriously.

No wait. I'll take it seriously when it provides a paycheck! Until then, I'm just going to goof off as I read them.

The Cult of the Bat were in the middle of summoning the ghost of Millie Jane Cobblepot when Olive interrupted their ritual and stole the Diary of Millie Jane. The spirit was supposed to be bound to the book but now it's roaming the school. What kinds of classes do ghosts take? Home Necronomics?

How many issues until they kiss?

Heathcliff arrives and Pom storms off because he isn't paying enough attention to her. I think Pomeline might suffer from low self esteem! So that relationship drama is happening when Kyle arrives and insists that he and Olive need to talk. I feel like instead of typing this, I should be sitting at a long bench at the roller rink sipping a soda and eating nachos and blabbing it to all of my closest friends. And then a couples dance would come on and I'd look nervously over at the girl I have a crush on but then be too nervous to ask her to skate with me. Then some other asshole would ask her and she'd look over at me as if I should have asked but then she still heads out to the rink holding his hand and I just die a million little deaths watching them skate together.

Olive reveals to Kyle that her mom was in the Arkham Asylum collapse (although she's vague about the hospital to Kyle (but then who hasn't heard about the "hospital" that collapsed last summer (although this is Gotham, so buildings are probably collapsing all the time))) and now her mom is in a coma and the doctors don't believe she'll ever wake up. So now Olive is a bit lost and feeling alone and can't really think about dating right now. But I bet she has time to hunt down some ghosts with Poms and Maps!

The girls once again see the glowing eyes in the North Hall while out on a g-g-g-g-ghost stakeout later hat night. It's finally time to break into the North Hall! Just like we knew was going to happen when Hammer Head demanded they stay away from it! But Poms, Maps, and Olive need some help breaking in. Time to recruit another member to the team!

Oh my crap! They're all so fucking adorable!

Once inside the North Hall, Olive realizes she's been inside before. She remembers a fire, and a Batman. The group find a hole in the foundation and inside the hole...a m-m-m-m-monster!

It's probably just Killer Croc. He's a total pushover.

Gotham Academy #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. Everybody should be reading this comic book because I don't want it to be canceled because Maps Mizoguchi is just the most adorable character ever created and if you comic book fans kill this comic book by not purchasing it and relegate Maps to DC Limbo, I will hunt you all down and tsk-tsk you right in your faces.

Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.

Grayson #5

Dick and balls! Merry Christmas!

Last issue, Dick was given a new assignment at Hadrian's Finishing School for Horny Young Women. He will now be teaching a class on acrobatics. He must also teach the class in his new persona of Jacques de Constamment, Frenchman whose ever-present erection in his tights is not due to the nubile young women in his class rolling about with their sexy parts jiggling or bending over to display their engorged, female packages outlined by their tight uniforms, but the thoughts of their strong, tight-assed, shirtless brothers practicing rowing at Oxford and Cambridge.

This issue begins with possibly the best scene so far in The New 52.

I bet it ends with the mother dying and Midnighter running off with the baby calling Apollo on his communicator yelling, "I've got one! I've got one!"

The warbird crashes in a desert as the baby is delivered safely. But the mother dies. I think this is how the movie "Two Gay Men, A Hard Assed Bitch, and A Baby" began. If all of the adults die in the desert, the baby will also die. Therefore, the baby should be their first meal when they're about to starve. After they've finished eating the placenta and the mother, of course.

ARGUS's EMP probably fried all of the communication devices, so the team are on their own two hundred miles from the nearest city.

What's the best way to prepare baby?

Shouldn't Apollo be sitting up on The Carrier with a feeling that Midnighter is in trouble. Then he can fly down to Earth and use his Gaydar to find him. Is that how Gaydar works?

They begin their trek across two hundred miles of desert. How long does it take to walk two hundred miles? Can't take more than a few hours, right? Can't Midnighter run it with his super legs and super lungs? Although when Midnighter announces within one minute of the crash that they're all dead, that means they're all dead, right? He can look at every aspect of a situation and calculate all the possibilities in just a few seconds. If Midnighter can't see a way out then there isn't a way out!

Midnighter comes up with the same plan I came up with! Eat the baby! Although he has more information that's probably pertinent to their situation.

I was wondering if the Spyral Hypnos implant was still working after the EMP.

Somehow the baby has Paragon's heart inside of it. I guess that's the easiest way to smuggle a super organ. Or, if not easiest, maybe most secretive? The Midnighter is a callous bastard that's only thinking about survival. I like him! But Dick Grayson, Mr. Too Nice For His Own Good, would probably rather die than sacrifice the baby to survive. The only reason he's fighting to get back to civilization is to save the baby. And the only way the baby dies is if Grayson dies trying to save it. No other options exist. Probably. Maybe some option involving The Batman still exists! Does Batman have a secret cache of emergency supplies buried somewhere in this desert?

They continue their journey for two more days as Midnighter explains the situation to Grayson (probably for the hundredth time). Midnighter's power is to see possibilities. He points out Helena is wounded and won't make it another day. In another day, Helena drops. But what is it that Midnighter can't see with his ability to see all possible outcomes? Is he blind to the motives and actions of a guy that truly puts other people first? Can Midnighter simply not see how Grayson will react because Grayson's personality is so foreign to anything Midnighter has ever encountered in his arrogant, cynical, survivalist life with Stormwatch?

I bet Batman once forced Dick to walk further with less supplies in a harsher environment!

On Day 5, Midnighter challenges Dick to a fight for the baby. Dick keeps walking. Day 6, Midnighter is still discussing the fight. Dick keeps walking. Day 7, Midnighter is losing steam. Dick's still walking. Batman sure knows how to train his kids!

Maybe Dick is gaining energy from the heart by keeping the baby close. He's like a cat and he's stealing the baby's breath at night!

After this, I'm starting to think a Batman/Midnighter fight will just be anticlimactic.

Day 9 and Dick's still walking. How slow is he going? Jesus! Pick up the pace!

Dick tells the baby a dream about how you do what's right even if you're facing certain death. You still stand up and you do what you have to do.

On Day 10, Dick collapses with the baby in his arms. But Arabic Ma and Pa Kent come to the baby's rescue! And, probably, Dick's as well. I'm sure Dick will give them the baby instead of taking the baby to Spyral where it will get its heart ripped out! And then the baby can grow up to be Arabic Superman! And then I can go fishing with my grandfather and I'll say, "Grandfather. What's prejudiced?" And he'll say, "Where'd you hear that word?" And I'll say, "Well, I was talking to Arabic Superman and he...." And grandfather will interrupt me and say, "What? There's a fucking Arabic Superman?! Holy shit!"

Holy shit! A fucking Arabic Superman!

Oh yeah, Helena and Midnighter also survive. Midnighter is traded back to Stormwatch for the return of Agent 19, whoever that is. And, as you can see, the baby is presumed dead.

Grayson #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sorry, Swamp Thing. But your Machine Queen issue doesn't even compare to this issue of Grayson. When is DC Comics going to have a company wide meeting in which they compare a story like this to those other shitty stories which rely on Narration Boxes to get their message across? Look how elegant this story was? And just think how easily it could have been ruined with Narration Boxes. I suppose, as well, that Narration Boxes themselves don't ruin a story. Some writers know when to use them and to best utilize them. It's just that when I see lots and lots of Narration Boxes, I'm instantly wary because they're often just used as a crutch for a writer with poor comic book scripting skills.

Green Arrow #37

Must the cover of this comic book always depict Green Arrow ninety feet in the air with his bow cocked?

Last issue, Felicity Smoaks joined Green Arrow's team because she knew his secret identity and pointed out how she was hired to kill him. I bet the real reason Oliver allowed her to join was that he's already fallen in love with her. And by "fallen in love with her," of course I mean "physically attracted to her to the point of distraction that will constantly eat away at his mind until the relationship is finally consummated and then the magic will suddenly have fled from the relationship." And by "magic" I mean "the need to have sex with a person that you have yet to have sex with." All Disney movies end before the relationship can be consummated not because Disney movies are rated "G" but because that's the moment "true love" becomes "That's it?"

This issue begins with the Seattle Police being told by "The King" to stand down and not help Green Arrow battle Merlyn. What could the cops do to help anyway? They're not armed with bows! You don't bring an inferior weapon like a gun to a bow and arrow pony show.

Nice. Make fun of the burn victim's scars, you ableist cunt!

Do you see all of that traffic Merlyn and Mia are running over? Or flying over? Or arrowing over? Well, that shit won't stop Diggle as he drives up to pick up Oliver and chase them down. Two blocks past the bridge, Arrow finds Merlyn and Mia on top of Seattle's monorail (which has really revitalized the city, if you ask me!).

Heh. I mentioned the monorail before actually reading this part where Felicity mentions the monorail. It's just such a fantastic boon for the city and for people that hate walking five blocks!

Green Arrow and Merlyn have begin an exciting battle atop the monorail which will take them to the Great Wheel and hopefully culminate atop the Space Needle! And then Merlyn can fall to his death and land on top of the Experience Music Project Museum where nobody will be able to tell that his corpse wasn't part of the architecture.

As they battle, Merlyn recognizes Oliver even though Oliver is wearing a hood and goggles. But Merlyn's face is so scarred that Oliver probably won't recognize him. Plus Oliver is probably drunk.

Merlyn gets away and Oliver saves Mia who proves that she's going to be a feisty sidekick when she mouths off to him at every opportunity.

Meanwhile, Katana is chasing down The King and beating down priests. I almost didn't recognize Katana due to her coherent dialogue. I am disappointed that she didn't give me some Wikipedia facts about priests or the church though.

Katana: "Maybe now you'll reconsider my question. Whose orders are you following?"
Priest: "I devote my life to him. Not you."
Katana: "Your God won't save you now."
Priest: "Not the Lord. The King."
Katana: "So you must be a member of the Church of England which King Henry VIII, in 1534, declared himself the head of?"
Priest: "No, but even if I was, the Church of England was reunited with Rome in 1555 under Queen Mary I and King Philip!"
Katana: "Yes, but then Queen Elizabeth I rejected the Pope's authority with the Act of Supremacy of 1558!"
Priest: "Which, once again, was turned about some months later with the...."
Katana: *STAB STAB CUT STAB STAB KILL*

Mia's dad turns out to be a guy named John King. I wonder if he has any connection to this King guy everybody is following! What a coincidence! John King just happens to be the third richest man in the country behind Luthor and Wayne. Poor Ollie! He could have been one of the top three if he hadn't lost his business to that guy in Hong Kong. Unless he lost the business to his dad's partner when everybody thought he was dead. Unless he lost his business for one of the other half dozen reasons I can't remember right now and might possibly be making up to make it seem like there were more than two reasons for his losing his business. And what about the Kords? They've got to be in the top five richest assholes in the United States, right?

Wait. Why did Ollie take his hood and goggles off? Do cute blonde girls get a pass on the whole secret identity thing?

John King is also an incredibly bad person who murdered his wife in front of Mia, his daughter. I'm correct in assuming that makes him incredibly bad, right?

Oliver, Diggle, and Felicity wind up at one of King's fundraisers later that night. It's aboard a blimp! Why fight on top of a monorail or a Ferris wheel or the Space Needle when you can fight on top of a blimp. With sharp, pointy arrows!

Hey! "Prodigal" is actually being used in its definitive sense of "wastefully extravagant" here! Probably on accident though since it's also working in its generally accepted usage of "long absent" which is due to the adjective being misapplied to the wrong aspect of the son in that Bible story.

King lets Oliver know immediately that he knows Ollie is Green Arrow. Oliver is not very happy being that John King is not a cute blonde girl. Well, that's what he gets when he recklessly gives away his secret identity to people he's working with and then allows them to leave his organization. I bet Naomi and Henry are selling all of his details to underworld organizations to fund their tropical retirement.

Kreisberg really likes the idea of Green Arrow battling other people that also think they're saving the city. So Oliver isn't just battling thugs to keep the city safe; he's generally battling other powerful people that want to control the city and keep it "safe" in their own way. So in the television show, he's battled Merlyn and Brother Blood. Now in the comic book, he's battling John King who is really just another aspect of his television show rivals.

Everybody just wants to be the one in control.

Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle get thrown off the blimp by King and his peasants. Luckily Oliver called in a favor earlier and Hal Jordan has arrived to save their lives. I guess that's why Ollie looked so calm as they were falling to their deaths. I'm disappointed Hal catches them in a net instead of a catcher's mitt though. Who knew Hal Jordan could receive text messages while in deep space? That's a great provider he's got.

Green Arrow #37 Rating: No change. Are Ollie and Hal about to go on a road trip to discover the real America and its real problems that can't be solved with a simple punch in the mouth?! I think this is the closest we'll get to those days. Well, this and a mention of a mugging on the corner of Adams and O'Neil.

Twat Lobo #3

"With friends like these..." what?! Readers will become fucking bored and this comic book will fail spectacularly?!

Twat Lobo reminds me that I should be putting more effort into my writing. Maybe I should craft actual jokes instead of spewing the kind of nonsense that drama geeks find hilarious. You know those kinds of jokes, right? The ones where somebody says a non sequitor in a passable Groucho Marks voice and everybody loses their shit. And then Mary says, "Mark, you are so funny!" And everybody agrees, "Yes! Yes! Mark is so funny!" Then they all spend the next hour talking about how problematic Timothy has been lately and how they can't stand visiting his Facebook page and seeing that they still have five mutual friends with him. Ugh! Have they not yet heard the story about how Mindy gently called out his mild ableism and he got upset and refused to apologize? She was just trying to help him! And now Mindy is suffering from a mild case of PTSD where she's fearful of being yelled at when correcting other people's social missteps. Oh, and did you see that episode of Buffy from 1997 where they dealt with homophobia? Oh my god, that show was so far ahead of its time! I'm always so shocked when an old person, like in their thirties, is actually, like, a decent person! It must have been so hard growing up in such a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, ableist, gender-coded time as the eighties!

I just ate a whole bag of Moose Munch! I wonder if that would have been enough of a story to get its own subplot in Degrassi Junior High. "Did you hear? Stephanie ate a whole bag of Moose Munch. All by herself!" "No! I could see her brother, Broomhead, doing that. But Steph?! How is she going to fit into her whore clothes?!" "Oh! Um, Steph! We didn't see you there in the stall! Now my party will be ruined!"

How do I segue from that to Twat Lobo? Was that good enough?

This issue begins with a flashback to Twat Czarnia where Twat Lobo is in charge of protecting the Twat Emperor from Twat Rebels. I guess life on Czarnia is just like life everywhere else. A few enjoy the resources of the planet while the majority struggle to eke out a life hardly worth living.

Is that a challenge, Twat Emperor?!

The Emperor has a bit of a Real Deal Lobo feel to him! I think it's the healing factor. And the sideburns! We now have an explanation for Real Deal Lobo's healing factor (I mean besides the Magenta Timeline Explanation from Stormwatch that I don't think counts for this timeline). A Czarnian that drinks of the Holy Sacrament gains the power to heal from all wounds. Or most wounds. Although I'm hoping they heal from all wounds so that Real Lobo will eventually come back to take over this book from Twat Lobo.

Will Real Deal Really Real Lobo come back for Confluence?!

Is that supposed to be an insult against Microsoft? I think the otherworldly language thing kind of eases the sting.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting some guy named Double-Zero that can phase through walls. He looks like a Big Daddy because why shouldn't an alien's spacesuit look like a nineteenth century diving suit? A whole race of aliens based their energy batteries on railroad lanterns.

Twat Lobo can't beat this guy because the guy is faster than Twat Lobo. Oh yeah, also: he can phase. I suppose Twat Lobo had to battle somebody he couldn't beat alone so that his new crew didn't just seem like extra baggage. Even though they are.

All alien tech should look like remnants from Earth. Just like all those fucking aliens generally have Latin based names!

Emily, the small one that's probably the most expertest expert of computers that ever existed, cracks the computer's code (because she's also quite good with alien languages and alphabets, I guess) and screws up Double-Zero's suit so that he gets locked in mid-phase. Twat Lobo kills him and lets him know that he, Twat Lobo, is the only one of them that's killed a world. Are you sure, Twat Lobo? Are you sure it wasn't Real Deal Lobo that actually destroyed Czarnia?

Here's more of Twat Lobo's Code, just in case anybody is making a list. I know I'm not. No reason to. As soon as fans call Cullen Bunn out for screwing up and making Twat Lobo do something that he said was against the Code in an earlier appearance, Cullen Bunn will just write a page where Twat Lobo admits to making up the rules as he goes to justify his behavior.

The fifth victim on their list is Snake Omega. They think he might be hiding out in Metropolis. And you know what that means?! Lois Lane is going to get a scoop!

Twat Lobo #3 Rating: No change. I hate the character but I could probably enjoy the comic book if there were more to it than Twat Lobo gets a job to hunt down eight mercs. How many times do I have to point out that the "13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo" story arc is the easiest plot to write? It's why I based Dwarf Lover on it! The flashback stuff is beginning to get interesting, especially if Twat Emperor turns out to be Real Deal Lobo! And even if he doesn't, Real Deal Lobo should be appearing in the flashbacks soon. Possibly as the leader of the rebel forces. Or maybe just as some loony nutball psychopath.

Swamp Thing #37

Boo! Hiss! I don't think I want to fuck Lady Weeds anymore. Maybe. Hmm, well, okay. But she'd better not make vacuum cleaner noises while I'm failing to bring her to orgasm.

That reminds me! Are we all using the phrase "Curiosity got the teenaged boy's dick stuck in the jacuzzi vent" instead of "Curiosity killed the cat"? I think it's more realistic because cats might be curious but they're so bad-ass that it rarely ever gets them killed. Perhaps "Gluttony killed the cat" would be more apt? Or "Choking on its toy string while it continued to try to play with it killed the cat"? What about "Sleeping under the blanket and getting sat upon killed the cat"? "The asshole neighbor that doesn't understand cats are free roaming members of the community killed the cat"? "Climbing up into the warm engine of your car killed the cat"? "Contracting feline AIDS killed the cat"?

I should probably stop before I make myself cry!

The first six pages of this issue have been reserved for the birth of Mistress 404, Avatar of Machines. I guess Charles Soule had a lot of scripts to write this month so he probably just sent a note to Jesus Saiz to waste five or six pages on coming up with as graphic a birth scene as he could. And now that that's over, maybe we'll get some of that fantastic Charles Soule conflict where one superhero talks the ear off of another superhero and then the other superhero, instead of punching the first superhero for some reason, actually brings up a counter argument to the first superhero's point. It's crazy. There's never been a superhero comic book like it!

Constantine comes looking for Swamp Thing to discuss (Seriously! Discussion!) the rise of the new kingdom and its Avatar. Constantine enjoys his magic so he can't be too happy that technology is rallying behind a leader, and a vicious one at that. Unless she's viscous! One of those. I wonder if Constantine's going to try to involve Buddy Baker as well. Or has everybody stopped calling him because they're tired of him just turning them down because "you know, guys...I got the family and all"?

Lady Weeds first mission is to think up a cool new name. Like Mistress 404?! Shut up! It is too cool!

First mission failed! Seriously? Rithm?! Machine Queen?! I wonder if Mother Machine is going to be pissed about this whole Machine Kingdom business?

Machine Queen, Agent of Rithm's second mission is to take over one of the other kingdoms. She'll probably save Swamp Thing for last, so she's probably going to go after Buddy or the Fungus Leader.

Swamp Thing asks for Constantine's help because Alec Holland has a death wish, I guess? Don't partner up with that schleprock!

Swamp Thing has dingleberries.

The Machine Queen easily convinces the Mistress of the Grey to give over dominion of the fungus in exchange for a new body and the promise to end Alec Holland. I don't think Buddy or Abigail are going to be that easy to convince. Although Maxine probably wants a new computer and an iPod for Christmas, so maybe if Machine Queen can get Buddy a discount?

The Machine Queen's third mission is to recruit Anton Arcane. Christ! Does that fucker have to be involved in every Swamp Thing story arc?!

So that's what killed the cat! Dick.

Anton Arcane is currently a sniveling wretch and of no use to the Rithm as a leader of their armies. But Anton does have one thing that he thinks might help. He's been dragging it in a huge sack all over Philadelphia as he eats stray animals and digs through dumpsters. It's the corpse of Alec Holland.

Swamp Thing #37 Rating: No change. How did Charles Soule waste six pages on the birth of the Machine Queen and still seem to pack in a full comic book worth of story on the subsequent fourteen pages? Is that even possible? Maybe it's because he left out all of the usual superhero battles. Constantine didn't fight Swamp Thing. Lady Machine didn't fight the Mistress of the Grey. Anton Arcane didn't fight anybody except that cat. It was almost a violence free issue! Except for that cat thing. And the birth scene!

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!