Green Arrow #37

Must the cover of this comic book always depict Green Arrow ninety feet in the air with his bow cocked?

Last issue, Felicity Smoaks joined Green Arrow's team because she knew his secret identity and pointed out how she was hired to kill him. I bet the real reason Oliver allowed her to join was that he's already fallen in love with her. And by "fallen in love with her," of course I mean "physically attracted to her to the point of distraction that will constantly eat away at his mind until the relationship is finally consummated and then the magic will suddenly have fled from the relationship." And by "magic" I mean "the need to have sex with a person that you have yet to have sex with." All Disney movies end before the relationship can be consummated not because Disney movies are rated "G" but because that's the moment "true love" becomes "That's it?"

This issue begins with the Seattle Police being told by "The King" to stand down and not help Green Arrow battle Merlyn. What could the cops do to help anyway? They're not armed with bows! You don't bring an inferior weapon like a gun to a bow and arrow pony show.

Nice. Make fun of the burn victim's scars, you ableist cunt!

Do you see all of that traffic Merlyn and Mia are running over? Or flying over? Or arrowing over? Well, that shit won't stop Diggle as he drives up to pick up Oliver and chase them down. Two blocks past the bridge, Arrow finds Merlyn and Mia on top of Seattle's monorail (which has really revitalized the city, if you ask me!).

Heh. I mentioned the monorail before actually reading this part where Felicity mentions the monorail. It's just such a fantastic boon for the city and for people that hate walking five blocks!

Green Arrow and Merlyn have begin an exciting battle atop the monorail which will take them to the Great Wheel and hopefully culminate atop the Space Needle! And then Merlyn can fall to his death and land on top of the Experience Music Project Museum where nobody will be able to tell that his corpse wasn't part of the architecture.

As they battle, Merlyn recognizes Oliver even though Oliver is wearing a hood and goggles. But Merlyn's face is so scarred that Oliver probably won't recognize him. Plus Oliver is probably drunk.

Merlyn gets away and Oliver saves Mia who proves that she's going to be a feisty sidekick when she mouths off to him at every opportunity.

Meanwhile, Katana is chasing down The King and beating down priests. I almost didn't recognize Katana due to her coherent dialogue. I am disappointed that she didn't give me some Wikipedia facts about priests or the church though.

Katana: "Maybe now you'll reconsider my question. Whose orders are you following?"
Priest: "I devote my life to him. Not you."
Katana: "Your God won't save you now."
Priest: "Not the Lord. The King."
Katana: "So you must be a member of the Church of England which King Henry VIII, in 1534, declared himself the head of?"
Priest: "No, but even if I was, the Church of England was reunited with Rome in 1555 under Queen Mary I and King Philip!"
Katana: "Yes, but then Queen Elizabeth I rejected the Pope's authority with the Act of Supremacy of 1558!"
Priest: "Which, once again, was turned about some months later with the...."
Katana: *STAB STAB CUT STAB STAB KILL*

Mia's dad turns out to be a guy named John King. I wonder if he has any connection to this King guy everybody is following! What a coincidence! John King just happens to be the third richest man in the country behind Luthor and Wayne. Poor Ollie! He could have been one of the top three if he hadn't lost his business to that guy in Hong Kong. Unless he lost the business to his dad's partner when everybody thought he was dead. Unless he lost his business for one of the other half dozen reasons I can't remember right now and might possibly be making up to make it seem like there were more than two reasons for his losing his business. And what about the Kords? They've got to be in the top five richest assholes in the United States, right?

Wait. Why did Ollie take his hood and goggles off? Do cute blonde girls get a pass on the whole secret identity thing?

John King is also an incredibly bad person who murdered his wife in front of Mia, his daughter. I'm correct in assuming that makes him incredibly bad, right?

Oliver, Diggle, and Felicity wind up at one of King's fundraisers later that night. It's aboard a blimp! Why fight on top of a monorail or a Ferris wheel or the Space Needle when you can fight on top of a blimp. With sharp, pointy arrows!

Hey! "Prodigal" is actually being used in its definitive sense of "wastefully extravagant" here! Probably on accident though since it's also working in its generally accepted usage of "long absent" which is due to the adjective being misapplied to the wrong aspect of the son in that Bible story.

King lets Oliver know immediately that he knows Ollie is Green Arrow. Oliver is not very happy being that John King is not a cute blonde girl. Well, that's what he gets when he recklessly gives away his secret identity to people he's working with and then allows them to leave his organization. I bet Naomi and Henry are selling all of his details to underworld organizations to fund their tropical retirement.

Kreisberg really likes the idea of Green Arrow battling other people that also think they're saving the city. So Oliver isn't just battling thugs to keep the city safe; he's generally battling other powerful people that want to control the city and keep it "safe" in their own way. So in the television show, he's battled Merlyn and Brother Blood. Now in the comic book, he's battling John King who is really just another aspect of his television show rivals.

Everybody just wants to be the one in control.

Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle get thrown off the blimp by King and his peasants. Luckily Oliver called in a favor earlier and Hal Jordan has arrived to save their lives. I guess that's why Ollie looked so calm as they were falling to their deaths. I'm disappointed Hal catches them in a net instead of a catcher's mitt though. Who knew Hal Jordan could receive text messages while in deep space? That's a great provider he's got.

Green Arrow #37 Rating: No change. Are Ollie and Hal about to go on a road trip to discover the real America and its real problems that can't be solved with a simple punch in the mouth?! I think this is the closest we'll get to those days. Well, this and a mention of a mugging on the corner of Adams and O'Neil.

Twat Lobo #3

"With friends like these..." what?! Readers will become fucking bored and this comic book will fail spectacularly?!

Twat Lobo reminds me that I should be putting more effort into my writing. Maybe I should craft actual jokes instead of spewing the kind of nonsense that drama geeks find hilarious. You know those kinds of jokes, right? The ones where somebody says a non sequitor in a passable Groucho Marks voice and everybody loses their shit. And then Mary says, "Mark, you are so funny!" And everybody agrees, "Yes! Yes! Mark is so funny!" Then they all spend the next hour talking about how problematic Timothy has been lately and how they can't stand visiting his Facebook page and seeing that they still have five mutual friends with him. Ugh! Have they not yet heard the story about how Mindy gently called out his mild ableism and he got upset and refused to apologize? She was just trying to help him! And now Mindy is suffering from a mild case of PTSD where she's fearful of being yelled at when correcting other people's social missteps. Oh, and did you see that episode of Buffy from 1997 where they dealt with homophobia? Oh my god, that show was so far ahead of its time! I'm always so shocked when an old person, like in their thirties, is actually, like, a decent person! It must have been so hard growing up in such a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, ableist, gender-coded time as the eighties!

I just ate a whole bag of Moose Munch! I wonder if that would have been enough of a story to get its own subplot in Degrassi Junior High. "Did you hear? Stephanie ate a whole bag of Moose Munch. All by herself!" "No! I could see her brother, Broomhead, doing that. But Steph?! How is she going to fit into her whore clothes?!" "Oh! Um, Steph! We didn't see you there in the stall! Now my party will be ruined!"

How do I segue from that to Twat Lobo? Was that good enough?

This issue begins with a flashback to Twat Czarnia where Twat Lobo is in charge of protecting the Twat Emperor from Twat Rebels. I guess life on Czarnia is just like life everywhere else. A few enjoy the resources of the planet while the majority struggle to eke out a life hardly worth living.

Is that a challenge, Twat Emperor?!

The Emperor has a bit of a Real Deal Lobo feel to him! I think it's the healing factor. And the sideburns! We now have an explanation for Real Deal Lobo's healing factor (I mean besides the Magenta Timeline Explanation from Stormwatch that I don't think counts for this timeline). A Czarnian that drinks of the Holy Sacrament gains the power to heal from all wounds. Or most wounds. Although I'm hoping they heal from all wounds so that Real Lobo will eventually come back to take over this book from Twat Lobo.

Will Real Deal Really Real Lobo come back for Confluence?!

Is that supposed to be an insult against Microsoft? I think the otherworldly language thing kind of eases the sting.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting some guy named Double-Zero that can phase through walls. He looks like a Big Daddy because why shouldn't an alien's spacesuit look like a nineteenth century diving suit? A whole race of aliens based their energy batteries on railroad lanterns.

Twat Lobo can't beat this guy because the guy is faster than Twat Lobo. Oh yeah, also: he can phase. I suppose Twat Lobo had to battle somebody he couldn't beat alone so that his new crew didn't just seem like extra baggage. Even though they are.

All alien tech should look like remnants from Earth. Just like all those fucking aliens generally have Latin based names!

Emily, the small one that's probably the most expertest expert of computers that ever existed, cracks the computer's code (because she's also quite good with alien languages and alphabets, I guess) and screws up Double-Zero's suit so that he gets locked in mid-phase. Twat Lobo kills him and lets him know that he, Twat Lobo, is the only one of them that's killed a world. Are you sure, Twat Lobo? Are you sure it wasn't Real Deal Lobo that actually destroyed Czarnia?

Here's more of Twat Lobo's Code, just in case anybody is making a list. I know I'm not. No reason to. As soon as fans call Cullen Bunn out for screwing up and making Twat Lobo do something that he said was against the Code in an earlier appearance, Cullen Bunn will just write a page where Twat Lobo admits to making up the rules as he goes to justify his behavior.

The fifth victim on their list is Snake Omega. They think he might be hiding out in Metropolis. And you know what that means?! Lois Lane is going to get a scoop!

Twat Lobo #3 Rating: No change. I hate the character but I could probably enjoy the comic book if there were more to it than Twat Lobo gets a job to hunt down eight mercs. How many times do I have to point out that the "13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo" story arc is the easiest plot to write? It's why I based Dwarf Lover on it! The flashback stuff is beginning to get interesting, especially if Twat Emperor turns out to be Real Deal Lobo! And even if he doesn't, Real Deal Lobo should be appearing in the flashbacks soon. Possibly as the leader of the rebel forces. Or maybe just as some loony nutball psychopath.

Swamp Thing #37

Boo! Hiss! I don't think I want to fuck Lady Weeds anymore. Maybe. Hmm, well, okay. But she'd better not make vacuum cleaner noises while I'm failing to bring her to orgasm.

That reminds me! Are we all using the phrase "Curiosity got the teenaged boy's dick stuck in the jacuzzi vent" instead of "Curiosity killed the cat"? I think it's more realistic because cats might be curious but they're so bad-ass that it rarely ever gets them killed. Perhaps "Gluttony killed the cat" would be more apt? Or "Choking on its toy string while it continued to try to play with it killed the cat"? What about "Sleeping under the blanket and getting sat upon killed the cat"? "The asshole neighbor that doesn't understand cats are free roaming members of the community killed the cat"? "Climbing up into the warm engine of your car killed the cat"? "Contracting feline AIDS killed the cat"?

I should probably stop before I make myself cry!

The first six pages of this issue have been reserved for the birth of Mistress 404, Avatar of Machines. I guess Charles Soule had a lot of scripts to write this month so he probably just sent a note to Jesus Saiz to waste five or six pages on coming up with as graphic a birth scene as he could. And now that that's over, maybe we'll get some of that fantastic Charles Soule conflict where one superhero talks the ear off of another superhero and then the other superhero, instead of punching the first superhero for some reason, actually brings up a counter argument to the first superhero's point. It's crazy. There's never been a superhero comic book like it!

Constantine comes looking for Swamp Thing to discuss (Seriously! Discussion!) the rise of the new kingdom and its Avatar. Constantine enjoys his magic so he can't be too happy that technology is rallying behind a leader, and a vicious one at that. Unless she's viscous! One of those. I wonder if Constantine's going to try to involve Buddy Baker as well. Or has everybody stopped calling him because they're tired of him just turning them down because "you know, guys...I got the family and all"?

Lady Weeds first mission is to think up a cool new name. Like Mistress 404?! Shut up! It is too cool!

First mission failed! Seriously? Rithm?! Machine Queen?! I wonder if Mother Machine is going to be pissed about this whole Machine Kingdom business?

Machine Queen, Agent of Rithm's second mission is to take over one of the other kingdoms. She'll probably save Swamp Thing for last, so she's probably going to go after Buddy or the Fungus Leader.

Swamp Thing asks for Constantine's help because Alec Holland has a death wish, I guess? Don't partner up with that schleprock!

Swamp Thing has dingleberries.

The Machine Queen easily convinces the Mistress of the Grey to give over dominion of the fungus in exchange for a new body and the promise to end Alec Holland. I don't think Buddy or Abigail are going to be that easy to convince. Although Maxine probably wants a new computer and an iPod for Christmas, so maybe if Machine Queen can get Buddy a discount?

The Machine Queen's third mission is to recruit Anton Arcane. Christ! Does that fucker have to be involved in every Swamp Thing story arc?!

So that's what killed the cat! Dick.

Anton Arcane is currently a sniveling wretch and of no use to the Rithm as a leader of their armies. But Anton does have one thing that he thinks might help. He's been dragging it in a huge sack all over Philadelphia as he eats stray animals and digs through dumpsters. It's the corpse of Alec Holland.

Swamp Thing #37 Rating: No change. How did Charles Soule waste six pages on the birth of the Machine Queen and still seem to pack in a full comic book worth of story on the subsequent fourteen pages? Is that even possible? Maybe it's because he left out all of the usual superhero battles. Constantine didn't fight Swamp Thing. Lady Machine didn't fight the Mistress of the Grey. Anton Arcane didn't fight anybody except that cat. It was almost a violence free issue! Except for that cat thing. And the birth scene!

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

Green Lantern #37

Why is the moon exploding while Xagyg attacks Earth? And why are Earth's continents different?

Last issue, Hal Jordan recruited Black Hand in his battle against the New Gods. That's always a smart move! Because everybody knows that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, at least up until you've defeated your mutual enemy and now your old enemy's enemy has all of the weapons you lent him and knows your strategies and, well, probably hates you too. Sometimes it's best just to remember that the enemy of your enemy is probably your enemy and you should just crush them all at the same time.

This issue begins by introducing me to The Singularity Stockade. It's the New Gods' multiversal prison which I've never heard of before. It's possible that it's brand new and everybody is hearing about it for the first time right now. It looks like a huge golf ball because that's the most aerodynamic form ever created. Unless you don't manage to hit it with absolute pinpoint precision, which is near impossible, and then it tends to fly off into the water or the rough and lots of people laugh at you.

Aboard the New Gods Prison Planet are most of the Green Lanterns and the Star Sapphires and the more important Yellow Lanterns and the only Blue Lantern and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, who is a Green Lantern but deserves special mention for being so adorable. I don't see any Black Lanterns though, so at least these idiots have hope of being rescued. Although they'll have to live down being rescued by Hal Jordan who won't let anybody forget that he saved the day. Especially Sinestro. Boy is Sinestro's nose going to be full of his own piddle soon!

You idiot, Kilowog. Green is right in the center of the spectrum! And it's closer to yellow than indigo! Go back to Seventh Grade Art Class, dumby! Wait. That won't help! Those color charts are different for some reason. According to that class, willpower is the result of hope mixed with fear!

John Stewart attempts to use his ring to escape only to be reminded, once again, that the "greatest weapon in the universe" is just a novelty piece of shit.

Aww, my sweet 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! And a nice burn by Sinestro! Kind of. I mean, really, what does it say about Earthlings that they've had five of them chosen to be Green Lanterns? You'd think it was the only planet in Sector 2814 with those kinds of results.

Sinestro tries to use his Parallax as a means of escape but it refuses to stay erect. Sinestro's shame and impotence is exposed for all to see. Even though the rest of the Lanterns remain trapped after Sinestro's defeat, they're all kind of glad that he fucked up the escape. Who wants that bastard lording it over them that he saved the day? Fuck that guy. Although Sinestro does finish his "gloat at my failure if you want to be a dick about it" speech by pointing out that only one thing could be worse than Sinestro himself saving your ass. Now they are all relying on Hal Jordan.

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he spends some time trying to convince Black Hand to help him until he finally discovers the proper incentive.

Not just any space war! A multiversal space war!

Hal and William head to the Source Wall where they were supposed to meet Sinestro. Instead they meet Orion and a battalion (or squad (or regiment (I don't know military group sizes!))) of Highfather's Divine Guards. Apparently the Divine Guards are no match for g-g-g-g-g-ghosts because Black Hand's Black Lanterns make short work of them. Right up until Black Hand becomes distracted with the realization that the Source Wall is a mass grave and he stops projecting his Black Lanterns into the fray. I guess that's okay because he just discovered a whole new army to bring against the New Gods. An army that has intimate knowledge of The Life Equation!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: No change. Now I wish Black Hand had gotten his own comic book instead of Sinestro.

Detective Comics #37

Batman in The Case That Makes Him Look Like A Fascist Fearmonger!

This cover could have gone another way. Instead of "chaos" for Anarky, it could have said "Freedom." And instead of "order" for Batman, it could have said "Subjugation." Or maybe a shorter word that would fit on the cover better. Like maybe "control!" Rules are for people full of fear. They desperately need to know that other people are being told to behave. They have faith that everybody in society will follow the rules because they're all too fearful of the punishment of breaking the rules. Civilization is just a tottering Jenga tower of frightened children agreeing not to move too quickly because any sudden movement might cause the tower to topple. The problem with a civilization based on hugely thick law books is that it's all just illusion which restricts freedom. As we've seen anytime a sports team wins the big game (or loses the big game), chaos reigns supreme. At any moment, enough people can decide to stop following the rules, and your precious rules will no longer be there to keep you safe. I guess that's where Batman comes in!

Except we don't get Batman! What we really need is less faith and trust in laws, and more faith and trust in each other. That, my friends, is anarchy. And it's a lot more honest than people behaving correctly because they're afraid of being punished. Of course, in an anarchic environment, you might suddenly be severely punished by your neighbor's shotgun because they don't like the way you were masturbating in their garden. But at least nobody is constrained by lawmakers! Anarchy is worth it just to see all the lawyers lose their jobs! Although with lawyers out of work in a society where anything goes, they'll probably just become more dangerous than plague-ridden vermin.

So it's kind of a few dozen birds in one hand and a few dozen birds in the bush situation. But I have an answer that will satisfy both the people with a need for laws and me. Let me make the rules! Then we can all be happy. Or at least I can be happy. And that's the whole point, right? Everybody just wants the kind of freedom that allows them to feel safe and secure and feel free and happy. That's why so many assholes are currently defending torture.

Let me, in an example of anarchy, completely ditch the previous topic to talk about torture. Here's the problem with most people's arguments for torture. Their argument amounts to "If torture saves lives then we should torture." The problem is that word "if" because torture does not save lives. Torture results in people not wanting to feel any more pain telling the people causing the pain whatever they want to hear to get them to stop the pain. It's the reason the police get so many false confessions. Because extended interviews filled with psychological games is torture. But then, all those jerks that want order need to feel safe, so they convince themselves that torturing people reveals truth. Plus have you seen how well it works in television and movies?! The bad guy always tells the truth! And is always the bad guy! Because why would the good guy torture somebody who isn't the bad guy? That's ridiculous! That would never happen! America is God's country! Obviously they're not good if they're revealing things the torturer expected them to reveal. Why would a good person make up lies under those conditions? Torture works! Case closed!

This issue begins with Anarky sentencing Lester to death by immolation and/or a sudden landing after a long fall out of Wayne Tower. Whichever happens first.

Here's another reason why people love rules: to exploit and manipulate the masses! The people who make and enforce the laws generally think they're above those same sets of laws. As we've seen, every day for years and not just recently, as police officers constantly avoid indictment no matter how awful their behavior or what terrible atrocities they commit while in uniform. What District Attorney is going to ruin their career by pursing an indictment against law enforcement agents that the District Attorney needs to work with every single day? Remember, masses, the rules are there only to keep you in line. And we follow them even when we know that the politicians and the rich and the people within law enforcement and the judiciary shrug them off on a daily basis. Laws are not meant to protect us by creating a rich tapestry of order. They are meant to corral us and keep us complacent.

I don't know how you're supposed to follow instructions that tell you not to follow instructions. I'm confused!

The Mad Hatter gets his face kicked in by The Batman for threatening homeless people with a knife. It's interesting that Batman can threaten people for information but The Mad Hatter isn't allowed? Maybe it's because The Mad Hatter has a history of actually making good on his threats of death while Batman has never killed anybody*.

*At least nobody has ever died from the injuries inflicted on them by Batman while Batman was still in the vicinity of the victim. If they died later, it was either their own fault for not seeking adequate medical care, or the doctor's fault for not providing adequate medical care, or just the perp's own fault for engaging in activities that The Batman frowned upon. But Batman has never, technically, killed a person.

My guess is that The Mad Hatter is slightly outclassed here.

Batman throws The Mad Hatter into the frozen bay to remind The Mad Hatter of their last encounter when The Batman almost walked away from The Mad Hatter as he drowned. And even though Batman threw The Mad Hatter in the water that time, is it really Batman's fault if The Mad Hatter never learned to swim while unconscious? I don't think so. The Batman finds floating in the bay, or just disturbed by The Mad Hatter's flailing so they rise up before sinking again, or maybe they were on the ice and are now sinking in the panel that looks like they're floating, or perhaps they're just full of air, skulls! A new mystery has been discovered! Time to take off his Bat-Boots and put on his Detective-Shoes!

But first Alfred convinces him to put on his Billionaire-Slippers!

The problem with writers that want to tell gritty, action-oriented Batman stories is they often forget this part of Batman. Batman doesn't work without this stuff.

Meanwhile Bullock is working a non-case that involves the anarchy symbol being spray painted all over Gotham. He also has a "World's Greatest Detective" mug which is a special kind of awesome. Yip is hanging out with him because she's not sure if she's his partner or his friend or his future romantic disaster. She'd better be careful, though. I bet Harvey Bullock has a huge refrigerator.

What's with all the pissing references? I think they're made for each other!

The call comes in about Lester's Icarus impression (the myth! Not the drug! Well, maybe both!) so Bullock and Yip head out to investigate. At the scene, they find Batman investigating as well! They also find a computer loading some kind of program that, if you believe Batman (which Harvey doesn't), will cause Wayne Tower to blow up. Batman is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing because fuck Wayne Enterprises and their new government overlords, right?!

Before everybody can be evacuated or Batman can shut down the computer program, the building blows up. Okay, so it doesn't completely blow up. Parts of it blow up so that Wayne Tower turns into a gigantic scarlet letter.

I'm pretty sure this is the biggest clue Batman has ever found!

Detective Comics #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even if Manapul and Buccellato weren't writing an interesting story, the comic book would be worth reading for their art alone. My favorite thing about the current run of Detective Comics is that Francis and Brian are making Detective Bullock a central character. He could practically be the "chaos" figure on the front cover! The dichotomy between Bullock and Batman is just as interesting as the comparisons of Batman with all of his villains.

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of goat.se.

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like goat.se as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the goat.se guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!