World's End #7

Val-el is getting violent! Earth-2 (and Power Girl! *wink wink*) are rubbing off on him!

Tonight I went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was lots of fun and really well done and made me cry a lot. I wept all the way back to the car. Not for any particularly moving moment in the movie. You see, my cat of fifteen years, Judas, died last month. One of the things I used to call him was Raccoon Boy because his back legs were longer than his front legs and he looked like a raccoon whenever he waddled about the yard. So every time there was a moment when Rocket was sad, it made me sad. And I just about died forever when Drax pet Rocket's head to comfort him. Stupid fucking movie.

I wish World's End would make me feel just a fraction of what Guardians of the Galaxy made me feel. I need some help connecting with these characters! Maybe spend a little more time fleshing out the characters so I might find some kind of emotional bond with one of them. That's probably a huge task to ask of Daniel H. Wilson and Marguerite Bennett since I'm practically a fucking robot and hardly ever connect on an emotional level with anything that isn't an animal. I just don't care about any of these characters! I don't care about Replacement Batman, the deadbeat grandfather hooked on Earth-2 Viagra. I don't care about The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, the college dropout that was chosen by the gods because...well, I don't know why. Because he had a job as a pizza delivery driver and he always delivered the pies piping hot? I don't care about Queen Lantern, the guy who had a job in television or something and now is the guardian of the Earth or something? I don't care about Hawkcop because she's a fucking cop. I don't care about Doctor Cocoa Puffs, the misunderstood ancient Egyptian God that only cares about his next host. I don't care about Aquawoman because she reminds me of Aquaman. I don't care about Tornado Lane, the journalist turned whirlwind. I kind of care about Power Girl and The Huntress because they were having excellent adventures in friendship in their own title before they were unceremoniously imprisoned in this book.

It's possible I don't care about anybody and the problem isn't just with the characterizations in this comic book!

No she didn't! She outran them to Amazonia!

The Furies decide to go after Earth's "Avatars and its Parliament." Do all planets have parliaments and avatars? Do all planets also have baseball and pornography? I'm glad that they know the course to take so I don't have to read any pages where they stand around deciding the best way to destroy Earth. They're experienced Apocalyptic Horsewomen. No dilly-dallying for these four! Er, three!

I hope they can't find Famine simply because Famine is on Amazonia which is hidden from the world. Otherwise Famine was defeated either between comic books or I simply forgot what happened last issue. I won't be happy with either of those things being what happened.

Meanwhile in the pits of Geneva, the clones of Superman escape. It's all terribly exciting and will probably lead to the end of the world seeing as how one Superman clone (Brutaal aka Bizarro) nearly killed everybody. No way they can defeat this menace. Nope. Not going to happen. They're up against at least fifteen Supermen against an old guy with no more Viagra, a pacifist, a journalist, and Power Girl. I guess if the clones are all about 1/16 the power of the original Superman, Karen mght have a chance. But she won't be able to defeat them before The Huntress is tortured into joining Desaad so she can face off against her best friend. That'll be a terribly exciting cover, won't it?!

Why does being a surgeon help with pulling a huge metal stint out of a clone's head? I guess if you want the clone to live but I don't think that's an issue here.

Val-el is fighting so either the writers forgot he was a pacifist or punching a clone is pretty much just like kicking a refrigerator. Except with less good stuff to eat inside of it when it happens to fall open.

Replacement Batman defeats all of the Superman clones with an electromagnetic pulse. So that was anti-climactic! After staking this issue's reputation on a "Reign of the Supermen" next month tag last month, and a cover that shows a huge brawl, all we get is Replacement Batman shorting their fuses? Whatever. Maybe something exciting is happening in China.

Don't forget he also lacks a penis, Solomon Grumpy!

I like Solomon Grumpy! Laughter is good for the soul! Sam and Alan are uptight jerks. Come on! See the humor in it! Alan and Sam were both going to ask the other to marry them but then they both died in a horrendous train wreck! But then neither of them actually did die and were chosen to protect the Earth in forms that can't engage in coi...wait a second. They can probably still fuck around. Sam is master of the wind and Alan is master of organic matter! I see some pretty magnificent blow jobs and ass play in the future.

According to Sam, there will be no fucking for either of them. Instead, they must seek out the Avatar of the Blue. I hope it's Dolphin.

Back in Amazonia, Doctor Cocoa Puffs' helmet fucks Jimmy's mother box. That's not a figurative statement. This results in Jimmy Olsen becoming a god. I only know this because the Robot Doctor on hand explains it to everybody watching. How he knows what a helmet and a box look like when fucking and what the result must surely be, I have no idea. He's a robot! He just knows stuff!

Constantine will soon have an army of whackjobs.

And finally Apokolips BOOM Tubes onto the moon. Except it's much bigger than the moon so it kind of crushes it and knocks it out of its way. I'm sure Earth will be fine with the loss of one large astronomical body in near orbit since it's being replaced by another. Maybe they're of equal density, right?

World's End #7 Rating: Can we just destroy Earth-2 already? Or better yet, kill a bunch of characters so that there aren't so many story arcs happening each week! One page of characters noting their situation and then noting how it changed doesn't tell me much about the character themselves. Maybe if some of the characters were suddenly transformed into kittens, I might care about them. You can have that plot twist for free, Daniel H. Wilson!

Batman Eternal #33

Does anybody else think it's time we start investigating these district attorneys who don't fight to put police on trial when they've killed an unarmed person in the "line of duty"? Perhaps we should also look into Grand Jury tampering while we're at it because I find it hard believe that nobody on any jury seems to ever think any of these police officers shouldn't at least be tried before a real jury in a real court looking at the real evidence. It seems strange to me that we keep getting people in Grand Juries who don't mind having state sanctioned murderers roaming the streets without any kind of oversight whatsoever. Where is the Super Nanny version of a District Attorney to come along and point out that if you consistently teach children (you know, police officers) that punishment is inconsistent (you know, nonexistent), they will continue to misbehave (you know, murder)?

I wonder if I can start a t-shirt line with images of police officers who have murdered civilians with the word "MURDERER" plastered across them? Is that something legal I can do? Maybe sell them at protests? Of course, the money wouldn't go to help anybody. This is a for profit business idea, jerks! What do I look like? An agent of social change?

Speaking of corrupt cops (is that redundant? I don't mind calling all cops corrupt. Until those fabled good cops begin stepping up and pointing out the corrupt cops and the problems created by an insular group who think they're paid to shepherd the populace, fuck them all), the Gotham Police are still looking to arrest Batman because they're not just corrupt, they're also idiots! Forget the real crooks! Let's go after the guy that catches all the criminals and keeps the city safe and makes us look awful at our jobs. Oh! That's probably why they want to stop him! I guess they think catching Batman is easier than doing better at their jobs. That's another reason why they're idiots because it's not! It would be much easier to just be better police.

Looks like Jason Bard is on the verge of turning into one of those good cops!

Batman and Penny-Two now have to run about Gotham destroying all of Batman's weapon caches because they're full of Semtex and grenades which Hush is running about Gotham blowing up. After each explosion, Batarangs are all over the place so it's obviously Batman's doing. Because Batman is known for leaving evidence of his involvement in crimes and/or investigations all over the place.

While Batman and Julia try to destroy one of seventeen caches, the Gotham Police Anti-Batman Enforcer attacks. He's just a guy in a nutty suit that's about to get his ass kicked by The Batman. The fight might go a few more pages than you would think would be needed by an untrained guy in a bulky suit battling The Batman. But that's because Snyder and his team have to come up with a new stories every week. EVERY WEEK! So you can expect a few padded fight scenes thrown in. Fight scenes are to comics what double spacing and larger fonts are to college papers.

Julia and Batman dispatch the Gotham Police (in a kind and loving way, of course!) and then engage the Acid Protocol. That's where Batman destroys the weapons cache by dousing it in hydrochloric acid. Which means that when Hush explodes these caches, hydrochloric acid is blown all over the place! Batman's hidden weapon caches might the deadliest threat to Gotham City's safety! What was he thinking? By the way, that's exactly what Julia Pennyworth asks him: "What the fuck were you thinking, you right cunt?" She's British!

While she and Batman split up to take out the weapon caches, Alfred monitors their movements. And while he's blah blah blahing to Bruce about his daughter's safety, he's not monitoring his daughter's location! Otherwise he would have noticed that Hush has moved in to confront her!

I think she can kick his ass. She's S.A.S! I know they're badass because they defeated Hitman! Or nearly did. Or something. I forget! I'd better go back and reread my Hitman comic books soon.

Batman Eternal #33 Rating: Another weekly that really focused on one thread of the story. Although I like that trend, this was kind of a boring thread. Batman and Julia disarming locks and spraying weapons with acid? Now I'm wishing the fight scene had actually gone longer than it did!

Futures End #29

Jason Rusch looks totally disgusted with having to merge with a female!

Now I don't know which ex-Firestorm lad is going to merge with Madison Payne! The "Next Time in Futures End" pictures from last issue made it look like Ronnie was terrified of merging with a girl. But now it looks like Jason! Unless it will wind up being Tim Drake! Is that why Tim Drake doesn't exist in the future? Has he become the disembodied head that speaks to Firestorm first popularized by Martin Stein? Then Ronnie and Jason will realize that they can never merge as Firestorm again and they'll have to use the old fashioned butt merging system instead.

On the way to rescue Madison, Tim Drake lets Ronnie Raymond know that they've met before when Firestorm thumbed his nose at an invite to the Teen Titans. Of course he did! Why would Firestorm join the Titans, a rinky-dink organization full of high school drama and constant backbiting, when he could join the Justice League, a big league operation full of high school drama and constant backbiting? Why join the team with the Wanna-be Batman when you can join the team with Real Deal Batman?! Oh wait! I know why! Because joining the Titans gives you more opportunities to get laid!

Jason Rusch makes it to Doctor Yamazake's lab first. He sees Madison in the teleportation tube and yells, "Stop! You can't do this to Ronnie Raymond's beard!" And Madison is all, "Whut? Beard? Fuck. Of course he's gay! Just get it over with and Brundlefly me already." And Doctor Yamazake is all, "I CANNOT BE STOPPED!" or maybe "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" or possibly "SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Whichever one would sound catchier at the end of a movie trailer.

Oh yeah! Firestorm is going to turn into a three-way! Although that might be a bit awkward for Madison. She'll spend most of her time going, "Um. Hello. Vagina being ignored over here!"

Madison learns that Jason Rusch is Firestorm and she begins to realize that when people keep secrets, it isn't all about her feelings. Or anything about her feelings at all, for that matter. No wait, she doesn't realize that at all. She still thinks that everybody owes her the complete and utter truth about themselves no matter how much they want to leave their past behind them, or how much they're trying to protect the people they're close to, or for whatever fucking reason they have for keeping a secret from her that has nothing to fucking do with her! Now I want Doctor Yamazake to Brundlefly her ass already!

By the power of Gayskull!

It kind of sucks that Firestorm is getting rejiggered here in Futures End (although, how much of this story will become canon anyway? I have a feeling that Madison Payne will become the future Firestorm but how does DC bring that about when this whole Futures End story arc never winds up actually happening? Oh, they'll figure it out in some spectacularly boring and undramatic way, I'm sure!) because I was hoping that Jason and Ronnie would eventually come to terms with their homosexuality and their incredible love and passion for each other. Up until now, Ronnie has been extremely resistant to his true passions because he was raised in the culture of high school football as the star quarterback who was supposed to bang as many cheerleaders as possible. I guess the best we were going to get with Firestorm and a happy ending between Jason and Ronnie took place in The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #0 where they were married.

No, seriously. Go get your hands on a copy of that issue. They get married. I don't know how that wasn't a huge deal! Was I the only one that wept at their vows?

I know I lie about shit all the time but I'm not lying about the marriage! It happened! It wasn't a hallucination or a wet dream!

I think Ronnie was going to say "...to fuck" but Firestorm should work too. You know, being a symbol of them fucking.

Great! Now Madison is going to be hurt even more! Ronnie and Jason were both lying to her about being Firestorm and about their sexuality?! Don't they know that by not telling her it hurts her feelings? Jerks.

Goddammit! This actually made me tear up. If you haven't read The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men as a story about two gay youths coming to terms with their sexuality and their love for each other, you might not experience the same emotional impact here.

The teleportation sequence finishes and a huge explosion occurs, Brundleflying everybody in the room. Maybe. I don't know. A Firestorm with boobs flies out of the chaos though! Just like on the cover! So thanks again, cover, for spoiling everything! Hopefully this new version of Firestorm is Madison Payne (well, duh! Obviously since nobody else in the explosion had breasts) with Ronnie and Jason both inside the Slash Fiction Matrix in her mind. She screams "Oh, my Gawwwddddd!" when created and maybe that's less about the feeling of flying and the incredible power surging through her body and more about Jason and Ronnie fucking the fuck out of each other in her brain.

So many sads. ROOOOONNNNNNNNIIIIIEEEEE!

Poor Ronnie. He'll never eat another home cooked dinner of dog's dick with his mom again. Granted, his mom has been dead since the Earth-2 War but I wanted to mention that time he once ate a dog's dick with her. I'm not lying! Pick up The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #1 and look at the dog's dick he's eating on the page where he's eating a dog's dick! Totally not lying. Maybe I'm poorly interpreting what I'm seeing! But I'm not lying!

Tim enters the ruins of the lab where he finds Ronnie's Brundleflied body. Ronnie dies in Tim's arms having never told Jason Rusch how he truly felt.

Futures End #29 Rating: I can't believe this comic book went one full issue concentrating on one single story! Holy shit! Revolutionary! I don't have plot whiplash today! I also thought it was a good origin story for the new Firestorm. Like I said, I've got a feeling Madison and Jason will be the Firestorm of DC's future no matter how this Futures End comic book gets wedged into DC Continuity. I'll be sad not to have the Ronnie/Jason relationship anymore though. But now Madison can go around lying to people and feeling justified about it and realizing she was a total dick for trying to demand that everybody be completely honest with her no matter what the cost to the other person. How dare people keep secrets!

New Suicide Squad #4

Look at Black Manta. So useless on this team. What was he thinking?!

I was thinking about starting a restaurant review magazine called "The Cook's Mother."

Or maybe I should open a hotel chain called "No Vacancy."

Unless I get my band back together: Closed For Renovations.

How about a tropical fish store called "Flush With Success"? No? Am I reaching now?

Anyway, remember how the Suicide Squad was in Russia doing some mission that didn't make any sense with a roster that was completely idiotic and two bosses that have been micromanaging them the whole time with contradictory instructions? I don't know how they're not all dead yet! Those Russians are horrible at stuff. They couldn't even nuke me while I was growing up! Failures!

I do!

I love when the comic book does all the work for me!

The only part of the job Victor Sage wanted was the part where he pushes a button and blows off the heads of villains that won't do everything he says. But that fat bitch Amanda Waller is hogging all the head blowing up fun! Sorry. I was in Vic Sage's head when I said that last line. What I meant was "that well-proportioned ambitious woman that gets shit done." And she gets shit done so well that she doesn't hardly ever have to blow people's heads off! I think Vic Sage is also a little bit pissed about that as well. What good is a Suicide Squad that makes it to Issue #4 without a single death? Ridiculous! It should be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad!

Deathstroke is currently torturing Deadshot for some reason. It can't be for information because Deadshot has all of the same information that Deathstroke has. So it must just be for fun. Even with two broken legs, cracked ribs, and a bunch of internal injuries, Deadshot is able to speak coherently and make fun of Deathstroke's handicap multiple times. I would question why Deadshot is mouthing off to one of the most dangerous people on Earth but I know that Deadshot has a death wish so I don't need to ask that question.

See? Just for fun. Also, oh ho! The Suicide Squad has a big secret! It can't be that they're all idiots because that's readily apparent to anybody paying any attention. I hope they're secretly magical elves that cook delicious cookies.

Black Manta and Harley Quinn break into the facility where Deadshot is being held because that's probably the entire plan. Why would Deathstroke turn on the Squad when he's already assured a huge paycheck from the United States Government? He's probably not going to go on any other missions after this anyway since he has his own hit book that will have readers everywhere scratching their heads in consternation when they realize they're not sure what's going on because Tony S. Daniel can't choreograph his own stories. Partly because his books are half splash pages and you can't tell a whole lot of story in a two page spread of Deathstroke leaping through the air with some random city's moonlit skyline behind him.

Harley has to rely on her skinny feet and tiny fists to take out the guards while Black Manta shoots them in the face with a gun. I guess it's funnier to kick and punch people into unconsciousness rather than to end their existence entirely. Although I don't think she learned that from The Joker.

Eventually Harley scavenges some guns from the unconscious guards and begins shooting people in the face as well. But first she distracts them with her vagina.

I was always taught to shoot people in the face with my legs crossed at the ankles.

Outgunned and outnumbered about fifty to two, Harley and Black Manta barely even break a sweat. Was that action scene enough to justify the cost of the comic book? I don't think it was but that's why I'm asking others. I usually like a little bit of plot and characterization to go along with my guns and vaginas.

Oh, I apologize! There is some characterization in the last panel of the battle: Black Manta shoots a harpoon out of his wrist! Oh, that Black Manta! What a silly bear!

Harley and Manta wade through dozens of corpses before they find where Deadshot is being held prisoner. And that's when another fight scene takes place: Black Manta versus Deathstroke. Is that really a fight though? Deathstroke has honed his skills battling the best assassins on Earth. He's jacked up with super powers and healing factors and godlike powers of agility and speed! And Black Manta? He's battled Aquaman a few times. And lost. So, you know, really. How is this a fight?

Deathstroke apparently lost his shins in the war.

Harley and Floyd have to come to Manta's rescue because of those things I pointed out before the picture (mostly the lost to Aquaman thing). Floyd shoots Deathstroke in the chest and Deathstroke falls over and hits his head and loses.

Hmm. After that outcome, I have a new theory! Deathstroke isn't actually Slade Wilson! He's just some guy dressed up like Slade Wilson trying to earn some extra cash. Compare what Deathstroke went through here where he barely hits his head and is out, and what he went through in New Deathstroke #1 where his brains were leaking out all over the place and he still walked fifty blocks to find a shaman to make him young again. Totally not the same guy!

Waller and Sage deal with their power struggle and Amanda wins. No surprise to anybody there. Amanda Waller is a fierce woman and the only person able to earn the respect of most of her team members even without the exploding collars. Sure, she never quite tamed Captain Boomerang although after that Lao thing they pulled on him, he straightened up pretty quick. Of course, he did have the pleasure of hitting Waller in the face with a pie. Such a genius!

That whole "Mystery Pie Thrower" subplot might have been one of the best Suicide Squad subplots ever!

I probably shouldn't be discussing Preboot history. It makes the kids restless and angsty.

See? I knew what I was doing when I called Amanda a bitch while channeling Vic earlier. Not that it's a surprise to anybody that he was thinking it. Everybody thinks it around Waller because they're all so fucking terrified of her.

The issue ends with some Russian getting an offer to be turned into the Sixty Million Rubles Man by a company named MARS Systems. As hooks go, it's not very well baited and kind of rusty and obviously being trolled by an amateur. Every fish continue to go about your business. Nothing exciting happening here.

New Suicide Squad #4 Ranking: I'm glad this first story arc is finished. As Waller said, it was complete chaos. The team was awful. Vic Sage added nothing to the group's dynamic. No real mission was accomplished. Or was it?! Deadshot pointed out the Squad was really something other than it seems to be! And guess what? We, the readers, don't get to fucking know about it yet! Fuck you, Sean Ryan. Nobody is going to be around to find out what your big twist is when you're dropping boring fucking hints like that. These first four issues show a writer that didn't plan shit and then dropped a few bombshell "revelations" (revelations in quotes because they're simply comic book revelations which are unformed plot points that can be used later once the writer figures out how to develop them) to make it feel like something happened. Maybe. I think he just picked the team and thought, "Joker's Daughter interacting with Harley Quinn? Deadshot and Deathstroke together? This story will write itself!" And then the stupid story didn't write itself at all. Anyway, let's forget this bullshit team, put a real team together that fits a real mission, set Sage to making copies, and come up with some exciting and interesting shit to read.

Batgirl #36

Super flying double punch, BIATCHES!

Dear Diary,
I think I'm going to start calling Dinah "Petty Canary" because she just won't drop the whole "I burnt down all of her stuff" thing! Come on! It's been like a week or something since that happened. And it wasn't like I wanted to burn up all of her clothes. Just most of them! LOL! She dresses like my mom! I've apologized to her like nine thousand times and she's all, "Grump grump grump grump old person old person blah blah blah I love to suck Condor's dick." And then I have to pretend like I couldn't just kick her ass and force her to apologize because we're supposed to be best friends and best friends don't talk about who would win in a fight even though everybody knows it would be me. HELLO! Trained under Batman here! Um, eww, not literally!

Although I did sometimes wind up under Dick while sparring. Mmm. Spandex does not do a good job of concealing boners!

Anyswayze, Black Canary's barely talking to me but I still had to go shopping with her to help her pick up some new clothes. If I didn't go with her, she'd probably come home with a bunch of sweaters with cats on them and fishnet stockings under acid washed Daisy Dukes! And then she'd be all, "Do you think Condom will like this?" (Condom is what I call Condor, Diary! It's like the perfect nickname because his head totally looks like a used scumbag!) And then I'd have to pretend I needed to pee really badly so I could run in the bathroom and laugh my ass off.

If she doesn't start talking to me soon and forgive me, I'm just going to kick her out of my apartment once and for all! Except I'll have to find a way to do it so that she doesn't get mad at me! Don't want my head exploding! LOL!

So later, I met some people on the floor of my new office at Burnside College where I'm totally doing thesis work and brainy crap like that. Gonna rock me a PHD, wut!

This is Jeremy of Groot. He was totally trying to look down my shirt and catch some nip action, the adorable old perv.

My research assistant and room away from room roommate is Nadimah who might think I'm a little bit too touchy and excitable.

I was all, "My life is so over!" And she was all, "I can fix that!" And I was all, "Hallelujah praise Batman! Let me kiss you all over, hot stuff!" And she was all, "It's cool."

So I head over to the Robotics Building to pick up that hard drive from Qadir, Nadimah's adorable little nerdy brother. That's where I discovered my second mystery since moving out of Alysia's Den of Board Games and Sin: The Case of the Missing Super Motorcycles! It took all the willpower I had to override the sugar in my system which really wanted to lean super close to Qadir and say, "This sounds like a job for Batgirl *HUGE MANGA WINK*" Instead I played it cool and was all, "Oh, really? A theft, hunh? Sure hope somebody smart and cute solves that one soon!" Then I swaggered on out of there leaving nerd drool all over the tiles. Probably. I mean, I am pretty hot, coming and going! Especially coming! *HUGE MANGA WINK!*

And then on my way to meet Frankie to recover my computer data, I found a clue to my new mystery!

I think this clue is going to crack the case wide open!

The women riding the stolen bikes were wearing the shortest skirts! They must have some real confidence! Their vadges were one thin piece of fabric away from slopping up the seats of those super bikes! How could they not? If I were out in public in a skirt like that, I'd barely be able to walk from all of the sexual tension building up between my legs. I'd be all, "If I bend over, that cute guy is going to get an eyeful of Bat-muffin!" And then my stomach would feel like it was full of heated charcoal and my whole body would probably shudder as I pictured his stiffening rod as he checked out my beautiful girl package. Whew, Diary. I better change the subject or it's going to be Dear Bathtub Faucet pretty soon here!

So I ran out to confront those skeeves and get Qadir's bikes back and you know what they did, Diary? They tried to floopin' kill me! I'm trying to curse less, Diary, so when I say floopin', you know what I really mean! Hmm, does that make it better? Why not just say fuckin' then? Oh! OH! I know why! I forgot how randy I was from the last paragraph and that word just about set me off again. Boy, I sure wish Dick wasn't dead *HUGE MANGA WINK!* Not that he ever tried anything with me while he wasn't pretend dead anyway, the stupid fool. He could have spelunked every single one of my precious caves!

So since they tried to kill me, I had to bravely retreat in a brave fashion that was super brave.

I was all, "OMG! You sluts know Atomina too?! I used to love that cartoon!"

Atomina was this anime I used to watch when I was a little Batgirl and in one episode, she fought some biker robot bitches named The Jawbreakers. And now I was going to have to battle the real live versions of those cartoon characters! Life in Gotham is weird!

To do some research and maybe find some more clues since my first clue tried to kill me and then got away, I headed over to the Hipster Toy Store, Robot Pony. It's one of those places where they call toys "art" and every toy line is just the same molded plastic shape with different paint jobs. And the clerk there was all, "I'm so into obscure shit! La dee da da da! I never watch the American versions of any Japanese cartoons because the soul has been sucked out of them and they've been watered down to show to children and blah dee blah blah blah I masturbate to Sailor Moon porn." Although he was helpful in pointing me to the two girls who probably stole the bikes, so I should probably be less venomous when writing about him in you, Diary. But he wasn't cute enough to be rude, so screw him and his bow tie.

Anyswayze, long diary entry not as long as I was planning on making it because I hear Mr. Bathtub Faucet calling, I tracked down The Jawbreakers (or The Mouth-Death Twins as they were known in the original Japanese version of Atomina, Science Battle Hero Nuclear! I learned all that from Robot Pony Guy! And I remembered it all because I can't forget anything! Help! LOL!). But I couldn't figure out how to defeat them until I remembered the episode of the cartoon they were in and how Atomina defeated them!

Go go Gadget Gadget!

So of course I caught them, 'natch! Although I crashed the bikes a few times battling The Jawbreakers. Whoops! Anylazy, I can't be held accountable for any damage caused to the bikes while retrieving them! If the bikes were damaged, the guys who built them should have done a better job building them! I learned that from The Batman and his rules about not killing criminals. If they die in the custody of the police or later at the hospital, it wasn't his fault! But get this! There was like a huge M. Night Shamalamadingdang twist to the whole mystery! Turns out...*I* was the villain! Um, don't ask me how! But The Jawbreakers said I called the hit on myself and helped the girls steal the bikes. WHUT?! What kind of dumb fucking insane stupid more-popular-than-she-should-be slut would call out a hit on herself, amirite?

And then later, Frankie met me at school and was all, "So is this guy sitting right here in front of you the guy you said was possible reverse jailbait?" And I was all, "BLUSH! DIE! LIFE OVER!" And that was my week, Diary! Now, you tuck yourself up nice and cozy under the mattress here and don't worry about any weird splashing, moaning sounds you hear coming from the bathroom, okay? Good night!

Batgirl #36 Rating: How cute is this book? So cute! And having not done this in awhile because it was boring but was a decent measure of how much story is packed into each book, I counted the average panels per page on this book. Over nine! Holy fuck! That's a lot of story for your dollar! Pick this book up, nerds!

Worlds' Finest #28

Doesn't this title already exist? Batman Loves Superman? I'm confused. Why was this needed?

I think this is going to be a cross between a Horatio Alger story and an adolescent male porn fantasy. I don't care how scary the shadowy person approaching them is. If I were young Bruce or Dick, that's not what I'd be looking at. Judging by the way Wonder Woman's skirt material is hanging, and her slightly forward leaning posture, they can see everything!

While reading this comic book, I'm going to try not to keep thinking, "I wonder what Helena and Karen are doing right now?"

This issue is called "The Secret History of Superman & Batman, Part Two: Presentiments." It begins with an Oracle on Paradise Island telling Wonder Woman what her agency will be. "You have no motivations or desires, girl! You will save some young boys so that they can save the future, ya git me?" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yes sir! I mean mam! Right away!"

Why are the Amazons so into snakes? ...oh! I get it! Hee hee.

Wonder Woman learns that she gave up any chance to help the world because she fucked a man. But she can still help the world like I said would happen earlier before I even read that that was what was going to happen: she can help protect the males who will be the ones to save the world! That'll teach Wonder Woman to think twice the next time she straddles a sexy man named after a Herman Hesse novel who wields a vibro axe!

And hopefully this will teach all of the young women reading this comic book too! See how having sex with a man can completely destroy your future and invalidate your entire being? So don't do it! Don't fuck men who aren't your dads! I mean, don't fuck your dads either because that's gross. It's also gross that fathers think so often about their daughters fucking guys. That is gross, right? Who looks at a little infant girl and thinks, "Some day, you'll be filled with another man's semen and completely ruined and I'll always look at you differently after that, my sweet, baby girl"? I guess the same types of fathers who look at an infant boy and think, "You'll be tearing up that pussy in no time, big man!"

Hermes heard that Wonder Woman puts out, so he thought it would be a good idea to get naked and kidnap her.

So far, this is way better than a comic book about female friendship! It's teaching women important lessons about keeping their beautiful, pure vaginas safe from the lurid evil of misbegotten men and their slavering penises!

Tornado Lane (remember, she's narrating all of this for some reason!) remembers a time when Bruce remembered a time when he visited the zoo with his father as Frankie Falcone (or one of his thugs, more probably. I can't tell! All the bad guys on Earth-2 look like swingers!) stalked them. I'm not sure how Tornado Lane remembers the part of the remembrance where Frankie was watching from a distance and smoking a cigarette. Maybe that was just part of Batman's description of the memory: "I suppose, judging from how Frankie almost sodomized me in the darkness of that fell bestiary, that he had been lurking around the zoo, behind cotton candy carts, ducking behind ornamental shrubbery, skulking just unseen at the edges of my peripheral vision behind glossy Mylar balloons and screaming children."

Oh, gee. Bats in an early story of Bruce's formative years. How exciting. Also, I don't think I ever used the word 'beautiful' as a child. Or as an adult. Although, if little Bruce here were me, I probably would have described the bats as 'macabre' or 'cutesie wootsie.'

As Thomas and Bruce Wayne exit the darkness, they're set upon by the guy that had been stalking them! Which was probably not Frankie because why would Frankie threaten Bruce and then attack him in broad daylight himself?

But look at the size of this guy's cock! Holy moley!

Meanwhile in Smallville, Clark Kent learns about Stranger Danger when two grown women begin battling over him. Wait. I didn't mean Stranger Danger. I meant boners. He learned about boners.

Now I can't scan any pictures of Clark in this story or you'll be disturbed that I talked about a boy his age getting an erection. Just picture him being about twelve. Although if he was twelve and he was just learning about boners, he might have a deficiency in his Kryptonian Testosterone.

Next, Lois Lane remembers a memory that she can't remember but she remembers she loves flying. So that's probably good enough to explain how her consciousness survives inside of a robot body.

Really though. Was anybody really concerned about the scientific aspects of Lois Lane's ego inside the body of a robot? I mean, we're all comic book readers here, right?

I'm so happy we're learning all the answers nobody was clamoring for to all of the questions that nobody was asking! It isn't a waste of a comic book title at all! Helena and Karen who?!

Wonder Woman saves Clark and then is whisked away by Hermes to save Bruce. What else does she have to do? If she wasn't put on these missions, she'd probably go back to fucking the enemy. But before Wonder Woman arrives, Bruce saves his father from a bullet in the head.

No wonder Bruce was so racked by guilt over his parents' death. He had the capacity to save them within himself the entire time!

So Wonder Woman saves Bruce as well. But this is the secret history of Bruce and Clark! So that means that Bruce and Clark must forget what just happened! And they do! But Lois Lane remembers because fuck you.

Worlds' Finest #28 Rating: DC Comics ruined this comic book. Fuck Batman and Superman. They have plenty of titles between them. And fuck this "secret history" bullshit! We don't need retcons or additions to origin stories that we already know backwards and forwards. Especially origin stories of the Earth-2 versions of these characters! You know what? I can't believe I'm going to say this but you know what? I'd rather read Aquaman and the Others!

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.

Fremeses!

Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.