Detective Comics #653 (November 1992)

Has The Huntress never used a crossbow before?

I'm going to give my poor boy Travis Charest a break on this one. Don't say I never did the absolute barest anything I possibly could for you, Travis! In fact, I'll give you a compliment: I would wear the shit out of Huntress's boots. I was going to be way more vulgar with my compliment but nobody wants to hear how I would absolutely ruin The Huntress's perfect little butthole. No, no! I'm not going to explain it! You'll just have to wonder if I was going to shove something up it or feed her my Five Alarm Chili.

Oh wait! I have another compliment: The Batman balloon The Huntress is trying to keep from blowing away in the wind looks like a super convincing 2-D blow-up person!

Last issue ended with the Gotham Police threatening to arrest Batman and The Huntress for stopping a criminal ring of jewelry thieves. Mostly it's because the Gotham Police are realistically corrupt but partially it's because the criminals have diplomatic immunity which prevents any justice from being taken against them what-so-ever. I grew up in the late '70s so popular culture has convinced me that that's totally how that works. Other things I learned: Killer Bees would invade California and make it unlivable; the Bermuda Triangle was the most dangerous place on Earth; and plants could communicate telepathically. It's possible I didn't learn the diplomatic immunity thing until the '80s and Lethal Weapon II though.

"Also, who the fuck did your hair, lady? It looks like you meant to pick the #5 but you pointed to some kid on the little league team your salon sponsors."

I understand sponsoring little league teams and customers pointing out the number of a haircut is more of a barber shop thing where boring men try to look like other boring men. But that Gotham Cop whom I was imagining saying that doesn't know that! He doesn't know anything about hair salons and stylists. Although he does know enough to see The Huntress's hair is fucking wrecked.

If I Photoshopped The Huntress's cape to yellow and cut about three inches off the length of her hair, the panel would just look like any other Batman and Robin panel.

Hmm. I'd like Robin so much more if he had tits. Is that why I like Carrie Kelley so much? Am I a slave to my male gaze? Wasn't that a Skid Row song?

Batman believes in justice but he fucking hates the law. He has so little respect for cops it makes me love him even more. He doesn't even bother arguing with the police; he just throws down a smoke bomb and flees. The Huntress is all, "How does this work? You gonna change costumes and never be Batman again so they can't keep trying to arrest you?" And Batman is all, "You noticed earlier how I must have a ton of money, right? And what do cops love more than beating the fuck out of minorities? Right. Bribes!" So they easily get away while the cops tell the foreign criminals to just drop it because they've seen what Batman does to henchmen and, being cops, they're not willing to suffer even the slightest physical pain for the job.

"Look. I'll wear the uniform and I'll collect the paycheck. But don't actually expect me to solve any crimes. Not enough overtime for that."

I don't know if I'm being too harsh on The Huntress's hairstyle or not. I'm just this ignorant person who finds both Aubrey Plaza and Jemaine Clement sexy. What does that say about my ability to judge a person's haircut? Nothing, I guess. But I do know what I haven't been harsh enough on: the Batmobile of 1992.

What an ugly piece of shit!

Batman's very nearly driving a chode. Does it always look this bad or did Graham Nolan draw it this way to force it to fit into the panel? This car is like a self-published book that's never had a whiff of an editor about it. Nobody's going to tell Batman what his car should look like! "I'm going to shape it like my dick no matter how hard you fucking roll your eyes, Alfred!"

Before dropping Huntress off, Batman reminds her that he already has a partner with a shit haircut so she shouldn't get any ideas about their working together again. That's very feminist of Batman. Most guys would be glad to have a hot woman work with them because they're sexist bastards. But Batman doesn't care how hot the woman is; she's not taking the job from a young, out-of-work boy. I, being way more sexist, would absolutely have kicked Tim Drake to the queue out front of the unemployment office to work every night with The Huntress. Then three days later, I'd be hit with a sexual harassments lawsuit and lose everything. My brain would be sad but my dick would be all, "It was worth it!" Stupid dick. It always makes the worst decisions and is constantly throwing up. I think it might be on drugs.

The next day, Batman goes undercover as a gas line repairman in order to infiltrate the embassy. Nobody finds it odd and nobody keeps an eye on him after they let him on the premises to investigate because I guess the day shift didn't hear about Batman and The Huntress breaking in the night before and causing trouble. I, a criminal genius, would have put everybody on high alert and beefed up security. But I guess it's not like Batman was driving the gas repair van. It was just some bald jerk with a terrible mustache with sunglasses that he continued to wear once inside the house. Not suspicious at all!

While Batman does real investigative work, The Huntress heads to the library to do research. As if Batman doesn't already have a voice-activated computer system hooked up via wi-fi to the Batcave that can answer any questions he asks it in a matter of seconds. Unless that's all kayfabe and it's really Alfred doing research as quickly as possible on the other end of the line.

"Neeeeeigh! Libraries are for nerds!"

Helena learns that Krasna-Volny was at war with a country called Transbelvia for hundreds of years before both were subsumed by the Ottoman Empire. But then after the Berlin wall fell and the Eastern bloc nations were left to fend for themselves, Krasna-Volny and Transbelvia got right back into the swing of things. I guess racial animosities never die; they're just briefly quieted by a larger, angrier nation of jerks. The Huntress decides to check if Transbelvia also has an embassy in Gotham and, holy shit, would you believe that they do?! Why would these two nations have Gotham City embassies?! It reeks of crime! Also the Transbelvian embassy is located in a Motor Lodge and their cars with diplomatic plates are all rentals. That also reeks of crime! Helena smells something super fishy but decides to call it a day and see what Batman's found out.

Batman has Robin doing research and he finds out a lot more using a computer than Helena found out using stupid books. Take that, print media! Although in not too many decades, nobody will be able to read the information on any of the devices information is currently stored on and the printed page will be all, "Ha ha! Our time has come back round at last! Eat ink, techfucker!"

I take it back. Robin's haircut isn't shit at all. It's entirely adequate.

As you can see, Batman's too ashamed to admit he's working with The Huntress. That means he's more sexist than I thought or he's got a cute little crush on her! Third possibility: Robin would cry if he found out. But then Robin will get to work with her in a year or so and he won't tell Batman. So all the deception sort of works out in the end! Is that how relationships work? If you deceive me and I deceive you and nobody ever finds out, our relationship is super strong and everything is going really well?

In other words, I don't want the kid to fuck up my groove, dude.

Batman and The Huntress meet up to exchange information. Batman doesn't tell Huntress any of the shit Robin found out because BORING. Instead, he mentions that he found weapons in the basement of the Krasna-Volny embassy. The Huntress tells Batman what she learned at the library and Batman makes snoring noises as he pretends to fall asleep. They decide the best course of action is to just sit in a tree and watch the embassy.

Eventually a car leaves the embassy in the middle of the night and Batman and Huntress follow in Helena's Lamborghini.

The letter messed up the dialogue. It should read "less conspicuous than that tool you rocket around in."

Batman's face does not agree with his answer of "Fine" about Helena's driving. He looks like the co-pilot flying with Nathan Fielder in the final episode of The Rehearsal, Season Two. Mostly that's probably because Batman never gives up control, ever. Has he ever been in the passenger seat of a car before or after this?

Batman and Huntress tail the Krasna-Volny diplomats to a park with the statue of a Gotham war hero. The hero happens to be Transbelvian. A banner over the street leading to the park mentions there's going to be a parade soon to celebrate this hero. So all of a sudden, this little shit country that nobody had ever heard of before this suddenly has an active community in Gotham with a long history with statues celebrating that history. And yet the embassy for the country from which the people of this community originate has all the hallmarks of a temporary set-up. What the fuck is going on? I'm sure Batman already knew all of this bullshit but hadn't said anything because he likes to keep as much information to himself so that nobody else makes any leaps of logic and solves the mystery before he does. He's worse than Sherlock Holmes.

The day of the parade and festival — Transbelvia's version of the Italians' Columbus Day — arrives and Batman and The Huntress stake it out. They know the Krasna-Volnians will probably attack the festivities in some way. But Batman also doesn't want to stop the attack because the attack will be the reason to get them deported. I guess some people will just have to die in a massive bombing so that Batman stops some jewelry thieves.

I accidentally and purposefully just tore this comic book in half after reading that "NOT" joke from The Huntress. Ugh. Fuck this shit. F-!

Be fucking thankful you're living in the age of everybody saying, "That's what she said!", even though that's just as fucking dumb (probably because it was started by the same fucking person!). Sure, it's stupid and unoriginal and boring as all the levels of the Abyss to respond, "That's what she said!", to the most obvious things. But at least it takes the slightest modicum of cleverness and wit to realize when to say it. Back in the '90s, idiots were constantly saying the opposite of what they meant and then yelling, "NOT!", like it was the funniest fucking thing they'd ever heard! Well, I wouldn't stand for it then and I won't stand for it now. This comic book review is over!

Detective Comics #653 Rating: F-. NOT! Ha ha! Oh man! That was a good one! Here's one more scene after The Huntress captures the main Krasna-Volny terrorist ready to suicide bomb the entire festival, throws him in a van, and drives the van into Gotham Bay where the man explodes underwater. The Huntress almost drowns but Batman saves her so that he can remind her that he doesn't like her because she kills while he doesn't because allowing The Huntress to drive away with the terrorist so that he explodes in safety isn't an action. It's the opposite of an action so Batman didn't kill the guy. He obviously couldn't have stopped The Huntress and disarmed the bomb himself! Could he have? I mean, well, he's, like, Batman? Anyway, I'm sure he couldn't have done any of that or else you might be able to argue that he killed the guy by allowing The Huntress to kill the guy so that he couldn't be blamed for killing the guy.

That's what she said!

Detective Comics #652 (Late October 1992)

Oh, Travis Charest, my boy. God bless you.

It was only at this moment that I dressed up in Nazi garb, put on my best David Mitchell impression, and asked, "Am I the elitist?" Because when I look at Travis Charest's art, all I see is a person who is decent at art and maybe trying their best to emulate the comic book artists that came before them, but still has a long way to go before they're getting professional gigs. But, of course, he's got the professional gig already so am I wrong about it? That's not what makes me an elitist, though! What makes me an elitist is that if I thought that Travis Charest was a great artist who has done many different pieces over his career, in many different styles, I might actually look at this and think, "Stylistically, there's something interesting going on here." In other words, I'm judging this piece by poor Travis within a certain set of parameters that I've established in my mind. If I felt this style was a choice, I might applaud it. But sensing that this style is the best attempt Travis is making at doing comic book art (or laziest?), I find it not quite up to snuff. "Not quite up to snuff" is New Me speak for "absolute dripping bloody dreck with undigested corn chunks!"

In the past, some people have really gotten on my case about judging artist's art. Their main argument has been, "Let's see you do better!" And while the job of a critic isn't to prove that they're better than the things they criticize, I probably could attempt to draw this to back up my critique. But I won't for a few reasons. One, even if I drew this scene worse than Travis did (and, believe me, I would), I wouldn't ask DC to pay me for the work. Two, if I managed to draw this exactly as Travis has, I would be embarrassed, crumple it up, and throw it away to try again. And by "try again", I don't mean try to redraw it; I mean come up with a different career path.

Travis probably won't ever read this, right? I hope not because I don't mean to make him feel bad. My most venomous reviews of comic books are never proof that the artists or writers are terrible at their job; my most venomous reviews of comic books are proof that I hate myself and am, mentally, not doing well. Maybe Travis's art speaks the same for Travis! Maybe Travis just wasn't feeling very confident and sexually attractive when he drew this picture of The Huntress moments before she died from having her organs crushed by a too-tight belt.

Look at The Huntress's streamlined feet too! So cute and stylized! I'd really adore them if I knew the real reason they looked that way was because Travis didn't really care much about drawing feet. He was so gung-ho to draw that ass, he couldn't give a shit about the rest of the cover.

I don't know why I purchased this comic book back in 1992 but I could take a guess based on some clues in the previous paragraphs: I fucking hated myself and just didn't feel great about my life. Also maybe that ass.

Why is that a question? Is he asking the hostages what he should do to them?

As you can see, the rest of the issue isn't drawn by Travis Charest. To enjoy more of that art, you'll have to purchase old issues of WildC.A.T.S. or read some of my Darkstars reviews. I hope I didn't praise Travis's art in those reviews! Boy, I sure would be embarrassed if I sounded like a hypocrite!

That was sarcastic. I don't care if I sound like a hypocrite because I don't owe anybody the unending minutiae of the context of my life that makes all of my opinions perfectly viable with every other opinion, even if to a non-expert on me, it might sound like I contradict myself all the time. Maybe read Infinite Jest. That'll help explain that to you if you don't already understand it even if I've felt that way about being a hypocrite most of my life and I only just read Infinite Jest this year. It's one of the reasons I can't stand trying to communicate with people, especially on the Internet. Too often, people aren't dialoguing with other people; they're just looking for inconsistencies in people's ideas to pounce on them and give themselves a reason to not believe anything else the person ever says. Usually they're wrong about those inconsistencies because every fucking situation is different from every other situation and if you ever point to one of my opinions on one thing to show that it contradicts my opinion on a totally different thing, you can very politely fuck all the way off back up into your mother's uterus. Which I've just recently lovingly spackled with my love plaster.

A corollary to people trying to prove other people are hypocrites are people who are so careful about the things they believe because they feel everything has to back up some foundational text which upholds the rest of their ideology. These people often miss the historically right side of an issue in the present because they're so concerned about the way their beliefs interweave between more than one situation. If you don't know what people I'm talking about, forget it! I didn't mean nothing by it! Can't we all just get along?

I'm turning over a new leaf as of July 18th, 2025! I'm no longer burning bridges! I'm now just pissing on them. Oh, sure, I'll still fucking hate every MAGA chud until the day one shoots me in the face and then claims self-defense because one of the lessons they've learned the best is that if they kill the second side of the story, their side is the only one the judge and jury get to hear. People who shoot other people in public disagreements do so because they're either the biggest cowards on the planet and feel that their life is always in danger from another person carrying around a gun like they are (cops are a good example of this) or they just want to find an excuse to murder somebody and believe they'll get away with it on claims of self-defense (cops are a good example of this). Anyway, I'd rather be shot in the head than live one second of my life afraid that somebody else might shoot me in the head if I don't carry a fucking gun around with me. Grow up, you dickheads.

Why does that shopper have a Tesco bag? Is Gotham City in the United Kingdom?

None of the artists are from the UK so what the fuck, man? Even colorist Adrienne Roy wasn't. Tesco never had a store in New York, did it?! I guess somebody was just a fan!

As you can see, the Narrator thinks these robbers are fucking stupid. I'd guess the narrator would be Batman but The Huntress is also on the cover and I think she's pretty judgmental too. It would be nice if somebody would come along, say somebody like Scott Lobdell, and fix it so all Narration Boxes begin, "My name is So-And-So. I fight crime and talk like I'm doing commentary on a LaserDisc."

Just a second. I need to go check eBay for a used working LaserDisc player! BRB! Holy shit they're more expensive than they were 35 years ago!

I really miss owning two thing: a LaserDisc player and my 1972 Volkswagen Bus. Also all of my cats over the years but I didn't own them. I wouldn't say, "I miss owning two things: my grandmother and my grandfather."

The Narrator turns out to be The Huntress, whichever fucking version it was in 1992. Helena Bertinelli, I guess? She's apparently been "out of the game" for some time so doesn't feel confident stopping the robbers. She just watches as a subway transit cop gets gunned down while she thinks, "He was outgunned. Should have known better. Dumber than the robbers." Okay, maybe she's not that judgmental. That was all me.

Helena watches Batman beat the shit out of the criminals as she thinks about how much she loved it but how scared she is now.

Not once does she think, "I am going to sue the fuck out of my hairdresser."

So Helena has given up being The Huntress until she runs into Batman in the subway and she makes her wet herself (in the good way not the bad way) and that's a sign to be The Huntress again? This moment, the way I depicted it, is so incestual if you bother to think about the original Huntress which you probably don't because Crisis On Infinite Earths erased all of that continuity and now only people suffering from The Mandela Effect remember it. Or anybody who read any comic books post-Crisis in which the creators were all, "Let's bring back Helena Wayne!" Too bad their second thought wasn't, "Maybe her head gets stuck in the washer at Wayne Mansion when Bruce suddenly walks in?" Because that would be terrible! In a comic book, there's no implied consent. In pornography, I think everything is implied consent! So if you're in a pornographic movie and you walk in on somebody naked from the waist down and they're top half is stuck in a washing machine or wood chipper, it's okay to have sex with them. Everybody is already asking for it if you're in a porno!

On her way back to her apartment, Helena Bertinelli notices two guys waiting to ambush her on the landing at the top of the stairs.

"Something else you want"? Dude, stop thinking past the money. You're holding a fucking board with a nail in it. Get her money, go buy a knife, than worry about whether or not your victim also has some Pokémon cards.

Helena beats the shit out of the muggers and kicks them down the stairs. Then she casually heads to her apartment and forgets about them. I hope they don't rush off and kill her uncle now! It'll be such a hard lesson to learn that nobody in the world will ever let anybody else in the world forget it! 'nuff said!

Inside Helena's apartment, we learn a little bit about her by the objects and creatures in the backgrounds.

She owns a cat and the Great American Novel, Assault Rifles. Oh, and a Dave Brubeck knock-off CD by "Dave Brubek".

The cat doesn't yet get a name but it's probably Selena or Isis. Les Misérables' spine is marked with a "V-H" to distinguish it as Victor Hugo's version and not C-M Schönberg's version. I'm assuming, and this might just be me, that she has The Right Stuff because she rubs herself silly re-reading the passage where Gus Grissom burns to death. I know that sounds terrible but doesn't it also sound sexy? Paul Haggis won an Academy Award for Best Picture suggesting that car crashes make people horny! I won't stand being called gross and disrespectful for suggesting the Helena is into snuff! Why else would she use a crossbow, a notoriously slow-to-load artifact of medieval battle?! She loves the visual of death by penetration!

You either get what I'm laying down or you're an uptight prude! There's no in-between! I SAID THERE'S NONE!

I just went back and re-read the beginning of this comic book and saw that Batman let the robbers get away because they grabbed hostages. I guess Batman could tell they weren't the kind of guys who are into killing hostages if they don't have to so he let them get away. Also if they wind up killing the hostages, it isn't Batman's fault! Batman doesn't kill! I mention that because Helena has decided to become The Huntress again to catch the robbers whom Batman let get away. And this isn't your slightly older sibling's The Huntress from, like, a year ago. This one is different!

This Huntress throws daggers into The Joker's penis shaft!

Helena doesn't just get her tits out and throw on the costume. No fucking way! She's a teacher, motherfucker! She's off to do research! Like how many knives can one dick take before death occurs? And how long can a woman have camel toe before her labia goes numb and falls off? Those are my guesses as to what kind of research she's going to do because I don't like her explanation: "A huntress has to know her prey." How the fuck is the library going to tell her about the men who robbed the jewelry store?!

Oh wait! I'm such an idiot! I forgot about newspapers and microfiche! She's going to find clues in proper and well done journalism! Good thing this story takes place in 1992 because she'd be shit out of luck if she had to rely on today's journalists.

She's still not thinking about suing her stylist.

Oh yeah! I forgot she saw an important tattoo on one of the criminals! I thought it was the flag of Wales!

The only time I ever remember using the library for information that wasn't school-related was when playing "Wizardry III: Legacy of Llylgamyn". One of the riddles went something like "I'm one of the deck of seventy-eight." There was more but I forget what it was. I figured it meant it was a Tarot card but I knew nothing about Tarot cards so it sent me to the library to do occult research! Later, I married Satan and sucked his dick. Thanks a lot, Robert Woodhead and Andrew Greenberg! I'm full of the devil's cum because of you!

By the way, I know the Welsh flag has like a dragon on it and not a griffon. But I was only half paying attention earlier. Remember how I had to go back to realize Batman let the robbers go? My mind was distracted but I can't remember what by. I'm almost 54! I was probably thinking about how some odd pain in my body was probably cancer.

After the library, Helena tries to hunt down some of the stolen goods.

Of course you feel eyes on you. Your stylist obviously doesn't have a current license to do hair!

Helena chances on a pawn shop where the clerk has the same accent she heard the criminals using. She doesn't immediately beat the shit out of him because she's not a cop. Instead, she plants a recorder or something under the display case to get more information. On the way out, she notices the bum that was checking her out earlier hanging about waiting for her. She chases him but he gets away because he's probably Batman going undercover. Which he is. Seems Batman needs to get better at being unobserved. Unless he wanted her to see him because he's got a lonely old bat-boner and she's fit and also I just remembered that she's, sort of, if you squint just right, his daughter. Gross!

Later that night, The Huntress runs into Batman on a nearby roof as they're both staking out the pawn shop. Batman has a super computer in his Wayne Basement (the Bat Cave!) so he didn't need to go to the library to figure out who the criminals were. I almost typed "who the bad guys are" but I thought that might be too confusing. People would read it and think, "Wait? Batman's going after the cops?" Criminals might also be a good descriptor for cops but since I've used it previously to describe the guys who robbed the store, it seemed less ambiguous.

Batman and The Huntress decide to work together. Mostly because Batman has a subconscious need to work with the daughter he never actually had. And also The Huntress has all of the evidence and Batman refuses to push her to the ground and take it. That would look bad no matter how many Gamergaters would cheer. No wait. The more Gamergaters who cheer something actually helps make the thing look worse. So it would look bad and then it would look even worse when some online loser with no ability for introspection applauds the deed.

From Helena's voice recorder, they learn where the pawn broker will be meeting up with the other members of the criminal organization later that night. Batman and Helena crash the meeting, easily subduing them all and tying them up tight for the Gotham Police. Except it doesn't quite go that way because before Batman and The Huntress can leave, the bad guys show up.

Yeah. No ambiguity this time. It's the cops. They're the bad guys.

Detective Comics #652 Rating: B-. Who came up with the trope that if somebody has diplomatic immunity, they basically have carte blanche to commit whatever crimes they want and nobody is legally allowed to stop them? "Oh shit! That diplomat just fucked every animal in the zoo and used the Santorum to make milkshakes for all the kids! We wanted to warn everybody but it would have been illegal for us to try!" If it was a trope because it allowed vigilante characters to stop criminals when the cops' hands were tied due to regulations, then this would be a perfect use of it! But instead, Batman and The Huntress are going to be arrested for helping stop more crime?! "Outrageous!" is a thing I would yell while slamming my fist down on the desktop if this wasn't a story about Gotham. Instead, I just nod while continuing to sniff my finger that I'd just recently stuck in my belly button and say, "Yeah, seems about right." (Meaning the cops and not the vintage of my filthy bodily odors.)

I almost said that I was sniffing my finger which I had just shoved up my ass but then thought, "No way! People might believe me!" And then, as I sniffed a shit finger, I was all, "I don't care if they believe I was just sniffing a belly-button finger. But to have people believe I was just casually sniffing a shit finger? Even I can't bear the indignity of that!"

Bane Conquest #1

Oh Christ. Kelly Jones' Bane flashing me back to Knightfall and the rise of...of...that monster, Jean-Paul Valley!

I probably could have skipped reading this since I don't read every DC Comic book anymore. You know why I stopped reading every DC Comic book? Because DC Comics decided to do a Loot Crate Exclusive Harley Quinn book that wasn't out of continuity. In essence, they told the people who were willing to read every single comic book they published that DC didn't care if they missed some of their shit. Did DC Comics expect me to sign up for Loot Crate's bullshit service of sending me a box of clutter every fucking month just to get that stupid comic book? No fucking way. DC could go fuck themselves. But at least they broke my Pokémon mentality of needing to read them all by keeping one out of my grasp. As soon as I couldn't read just one comic book in the entirety of their universal continuity, I could stop reading a bunch of others as well! Think about that next time you do a shitty exclusive, DC Comics.

Being that I don't give a shit about Bane (he's really just Batman's Doomsday, no matter how many writers have tried to smarten him up and fill him with personality), I'm really not sure why I picked this up. Curiosity, I guess. It's why my friends call me Whiskers!

Bane catches wind of a terrorist cell in Gotham City. He keeps calling it his city because he likes to pretend Batman doesn't exist and that Batman isn't constantly sticking his dick into every opening in every building all over the city mumbling, "Fucking own this. And this. Totally own this. And this. This is mine. And this. This too." Bane also forgets about the Court of Owls who technically own more of the city than Bruce Wayne does and so could probably lay claim to it being their city even more than Batman. But then Bane runs around hopped up on drugs while wearing a luchadore mask so I guess he's allowed to believe whatever he wants to believe. Who's going to stop him? I suppose Batman might stop him but only like 95% of the time, really. The rest of the time, Bane breaks Batman's back and then it's up to some annoying dork to stop him.

If I have to see Bane's ass, you have to see Bane's ass. It's only fair.

Speaking of fair, have you seen tubgirl, lemon party, and goat.se? I have so, you know, fair is fair. Look 'em up. I'll wait until you're done rinsing your eyes with bleach.

While Bane showers, he remembers growing up in the prison in Santa Prisca and the grown men who constantly tried to steal his butt cherry. He's comparing his ownership of Gotham to keeping his butt virginity intact. Well, that puts his conflict with Batman in a new light.

This slightly ravaged teddy bear is a visual metaphor of Bane's butt hymen. You know, just like Rosebud's was Charles Foster Kane's symbol for his own loss of innocence. Wink, wink.

By the way, the new King Arthur movie looks terrible. I wonder how many ways they'll contrive to have horses explode.

Through a long investigation where Bane punches a bunch of criminals in the face and most of them respond by simply eating their teeth and dying, Bane eventually learns that the terrorist cell is from Qurac. I could have told him that! That's the only country DC is legally allowed to say terrorists come from. Can you imagine if they said terrorists came from a real country? Like say Ireland? Oh boy would they get an earful from proud Irishmen! And by earful, I mean the sound of the bomb exploding in their mail room. Although I think they're less afraid to piss off people from a country which DC uses as a terrorist base and they're more afraid of all the rumor and speculation that will run rampant on Tumblr until everybody hates DC for something they think they did (which they never bother to confirm because why would everybody be saying it if it was just speculation and rumor and purposeful misunderstandings by people who just have a beef against DC?). Anyway, DC didn't spend decades building the mythology of Qurac just to start having terrorists in the DC Universe come from some other country. Of course they came from Qurac!

I suppose they could have come from Markovia too. Or that place Sonar is from. Or Khandaq. I suppose even DC realized they were going to the Qurac well a little too often and needed to change it up a bit.

Once in Qurac, Bane rushes in to destroy the threat and comes face to face with the organization's leader. It's some guy named Damocles. Bane seems to know him. Maybe he knew him in prison?

The Ranking!
Average. Basically Bane beats shit up until he runs into a guy who knows to cut off Bane's venom supply. Now Bane will beat that guy up but it will be a little more difficult than usual. After that, Bane will probably beat up more people. So if you like reading about people getting beat up, this comic might be even better than average for you.

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.

Fremeses!

Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.

Bane #1

Bane wants you to cough, motherfucker.

Wow, I feel great! Renewed! Like I've slept for two days straight! I'm also excited that I only have two issues left for Villains Month! Let's get this shit over with!

When last we saw Bane, his plans to storm Gotham and take it over (again!) were foiled by Talon. The art was shitty and the story wound up being less than exciting and Talon is a great big disappointment. But Bane has decided that his plan to take over Gotham City is immediately back on again since Batman has disappeared!

Idiot. You're forgetting the most important part of that Thermodynamic Law! "An object in motion remains in motion until it comes up against The Goddamned Batman."

You know how when you've been a customer for a company for many years and you're paying the same rates you've always paid and then they offer a spectacular deal to incoming customers but they won't extend the deal to the customers that have been with them for years? You know how that is? That's what it must feel like to be a villain in the DC Universe! Just think! For years and years, Lex Luthor and The Joker and The Penguin and Brainiac have been trying to take down Batman and Superman. But they've never been allowed to be truly successful. So when DC decides Batman should be broken and Superman should die, do they choose from their loyal base of super villains? No! They have to go and bring in a brand new villain with the lure of a deal that's too good to be true! So in waltz Bane and Doomsday and just like that, they win! It's enough to make your hair fall out or drive you insane.

Bane gets a short origin myth where he takes the place of his father in Peña Dura Prison when his father escaped. I don't know if it's a typo of "Peña Duro" or if DC actually decided to change the name for some reason. I believe Bane's Preboot origin was that he was born in prison but here he is a child when he takes the place of his father. The origin myth doesn't really clarify if Bane was forced to take his father's place or if Bane took it willingly. It's a little bit ambiguous but either way, it is looked on by Bane's followers as an act of strength.

You know what? I'm not done with that bit about Bane and Doomsday strolling in and getting all the glory! Now, I don't mind the way Bane happened. It was a pretty epic run of comics and some fairly chaotic shit. Batman was driven to the end of his rope and, in the end, it was mostly exhaustion which caused him to fail. But Doomsday? This big shit just comes out of nowhere, punches Superman a bunch of times, and kills him? That was pretty bad but the worst part of it all was snatching the glory of Superman's defeat out of Lex Luthor's hands. It should have been Lex Luthor. I don't care how much DC wanted to surprise the fans or what kind of a bad-ass villain design they wanted to come up with. It still should have been Lex. That was poor form, DC. Really poor form.

This is the current, although interim, warden at Blackgate Prison. Something tells me her job is going to soon become the worst job on Earth. After the guy who has to sterilize the glory holes.

I don't know if Agatha is a new character or not but I already like her do to my shallow qualifications for a likable character. Does she have an eye-patch? Check! Does she have white streaks in her hair? Check! Is she doing her job reluctantly? Check! Does she swear within the confines of a Teen Rated Comic Book? She says "crappy" and that's good enough! Check! I love Warden Agatha! She also looks a bit like Lois Lane. Perhaps it's Lois in disguise! That would explain the eye-patch and the streak in her hair! But look at those shoes! Total Lois Lane shoes.

They haven't given Agatha's last name yet but I'm sure it's something like Montoya or something. She probably has a sister in the police force or whatever. Pretty solid guesses, hunh?! Those are the kind of amazing insights that keep the readers coming back for more! The other reason is because I scream "FUCK YOU!" a lot.

And then on the next page we get her last name: Zorbatos. I'm fairly certain that's Greek which explains the eye-patch.

And then on the page after that, there's trouble!

I don't think The White Rabbit was ever captured and I'm certain that she wouldn't be allowed to prance around in that suit in prison, so she must have set everybody free.

The White Rabbit is still working with Bane for some reason. Although I don't know if she was working for him during that horribly awful piece of shit David Finch initial Batman: The Dark Knight story and zipping about filling everybody with Venom or if she was just being a general nuisance while giving Finch some cheesecake to draw each month. From the looks of this, she and Bane are pretty tight. I hope Warden Agatha shoots her in her stupid fucking face.

The issue ends with Bane and his army off the coast of Gotham, ready to shoot up Venom and take the city in the name of Bane. That story will be told in Forever Evil: Arkham War. And I hope Warden Agatha kicks a ton of ass in it.

Bane #1 Rating: I'm not much of a fan of Bane, probably because I've never read Secret Six. But this issue was better than a good chunk of Villains Month issues. So there's that, at least.