Worlds' Finest #28

Doesn't this title already exist? Batman Loves Superman? I'm confused. Why was this needed?

I think this is going to be a cross between a Horatio Alger story and an adolescent male porn fantasy. I don't care how scary the shadowy person approaching them is. If I were young Bruce or Dick, that's not what I'd be looking at. Judging by the way Wonder Woman's skirt material is hanging, and her slightly forward leaning posture, they can see everything!

While reading this comic book, I'm going to try not to keep thinking, "I wonder what Helena and Karen are doing right now?"

This issue is called "The Secret History of Superman & Batman, Part Two: Presentiments." It begins with an Oracle on Paradise Island telling Wonder Woman what her agency will be. "You have no motivations or desires, girl! You will save some young boys so that they can save the future, ya git me?" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yes sir! I mean mam! Right away!"

Why are the Amazons so into snakes? ...oh! I get it! Hee hee.

Wonder Woman learns that she gave up any chance to help the world because she fucked a man. But she can still help the world like I said would happen earlier before I even read that that was what was going to happen: she can help protect the males who will be the ones to save the world! That'll teach Wonder Woman to think twice the next time she straddles a sexy man named after a Herman Hesse novel who wields a vibro axe!

And hopefully this will teach all of the young women reading this comic book too! See how having sex with a man can completely destroy your future and invalidate your entire being? So don't do it! Don't fuck men who aren't your dads! I mean, don't fuck your dads either because that's gross. It's also gross that fathers think so often about their daughters fucking guys. That is gross, right? Who looks at a little infant girl and thinks, "Some day, you'll be filled with another man's semen and completely ruined and I'll always look at you differently after that, my sweet, baby girl"? I guess the same types of fathers who look at an infant boy and think, "You'll be tearing up that pussy in no time, big man!"

Hermes heard that Wonder Woman puts out, so he thought it would be a good idea to get naked and kidnap her.

So far, this is way better than a comic book about female friendship! It's teaching women important lessons about keeping their beautiful, pure vaginas safe from the lurid evil of misbegotten men and their slavering penises!

Tornado Lane (remember, she's narrating all of this for some reason!) remembers a time when Bruce remembered a time when he visited the zoo with his father as Frankie Falcone (or one of his thugs, more probably. I can't tell! All the bad guys on Earth-2 look like swingers!) stalked them. I'm not sure how Tornado Lane remembers the part of the remembrance where Frankie was watching from a distance and smoking a cigarette. Maybe that was just part of Batman's description of the memory: "I suppose, judging from how Frankie almost sodomized me in the darkness of that fell bestiary, that he had been lurking around the zoo, behind cotton candy carts, ducking behind ornamental shrubbery, skulking just unseen at the edges of my peripheral vision behind glossy Mylar balloons and screaming children."

Oh, gee. Bats in an early story of Bruce's formative years. How exciting. Also, I don't think I ever used the word 'beautiful' as a child. Or as an adult. Although, if little Bruce here were me, I probably would have described the bats as 'macabre' or 'cutesie wootsie.'

As Thomas and Bruce Wayne exit the darkness, they're set upon by the guy that had been stalking them! Which was probably not Frankie because why would Frankie threaten Bruce and then attack him in broad daylight himself?

But look at the size of this guy's cock! Holy moley!

Meanwhile in Smallville, Clark Kent learns about Stranger Danger when two grown women begin battling over him. Wait. I didn't mean Stranger Danger. I meant boners. He learned about boners.

Now I can't scan any pictures of Clark in this story or you'll be disturbed that I talked about a boy his age getting an erection. Just picture him being about twelve. Although if he was twelve and he was just learning about boners, he might have a deficiency in his Kryptonian Testosterone.

Next, Lois Lane remembers a memory that she can't remember but she remembers she loves flying. So that's probably good enough to explain how her consciousness survives inside of a robot body.

Really though. Was anybody really concerned about the scientific aspects of Lois Lane's ego inside the body of a robot? I mean, we're all comic book readers here, right?

I'm so happy we're learning all the answers nobody was clamoring for to all of the questions that nobody was asking! It isn't a waste of a comic book title at all! Helena and Karen who?!

Wonder Woman saves Clark and then is whisked away by Hermes to save Bruce. What else does she have to do? If she wasn't put on these missions, she'd probably go back to fucking the enemy. But before Wonder Woman arrives, Bruce saves his father from a bullet in the head.

No wonder Bruce was so racked by guilt over his parents' death. He had the capacity to save them within himself the entire time!

So Wonder Woman saves Bruce as well. But this is the secret history of Bruce and Clark! So that means that Bruce and Clark must forget what just happened! And they do! But Lois Lane remembers because fuck you.

Worlds' Finest #28 Rating: DC Comics ruined this comic book. Fuck Batman and Superman. They have plenty of titles between them. And fuck this "secret history" bullshit! We don't need retcons or additions to origin stories that we already know backwards and forwards. Especially origin stories of the Earth-2 versions of these characters! You know what? I can't believe I'm going to say this but you know what? I'd rather read Aquaman and the Others!