Detective Comics #45

This is so close to my dream cover! Just switch Honey Bunny Batman with Harvey Bullock!

While walking to the store today, a limousine driver leaning against the back of his limo watched me walking up the street. I usually avoid eye contact with everybody but since he was an African American, I didn't want to appear racist so I made the most minimal eye contact I could. It was still too much because then he said, "Do you want to buy some jewelry for your girlfriend?" I couldn't believe it! He thought I looked like the kind of guy who would have a girlfriend! I was so flattered!

That wasn't even the best part of my day! The best part was when I got to the store to buy toilet paper and I saw that Fred Meyers had a "Buy Two Get One Free" sale on Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins! Oh lordy! The cherry on my Monday sundae? The clerk at the 7-11 whose floor I clean every week didn't even try to talk to me! He just let me clean and then handed me my money while I was buffing! What did I do to deserve such a day as this?!

Anyway, Peter J. Tomasi is back writing for a Bat Book! Hooray! And he begins it exactly how I expected him to begin it!

I totally called this in my totally unedited commentary for Detective Comics #1!

Instead of focusing on Harvey Bullock, Tomasi has decided to write about Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth. Will it finally be time for somebody to sit Bruce down and tell him he has a son? It seems to me that Damian, after coming back from his world tour, isn't going to listen to Alfred and allow his father to remain in the dark about his history as Batman. So it's probably a good thing that Damian has been sent away until everybody forgets that the timeline for bringing him back from the dead doesn't really fit into the Batman Eternal or Endgame continuity.

While Alfred regales Bruce with tales of Bruce's parents, the Justice League stop by to see Bruce. I'm sure that won't be weird at all.

Alfred tries quickly saying "No solicitors!" and slamming the door in their faces but The Flash is too quick and gets his foot, and the rest of his body too, in the door. The rest of the Justice League shove their way in as well and Alfred tries to avoid looking at Aquaman's boner. Bruce comes up and doesn't find it at all strange that the Justice League are begging at his front door. He does know that he used to fund Batman so he's probably thinking these assholes want a handout to help pay for satellite repairs.

Bruce agrees to let Wonder Woman tie him up in the study because why would he not? Alfred's his butler and can surely be trusted not to tell Julie Madison. With Diana's lasso around him, Bruce admits to remembering nothing about the Justice League or Batman or his involvement with them. He suspects that he used to write them checks. Memory Loss Batman is no help to them. The Justice League finally decides to leave him alone and go introduce themselves to Commissioner Batman.

They find him battling some F-15s over Gotham Bay. The pilots have been fitted with some kind of mind control device so it's probably the work of The Mad Hatter! Being a detective in Gotham isn't hard at all! Anybody could be the World's Greatest Detective when all of your enemies have such strong M.O.s!

Not only am I a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, it turns out I'm a World's Greatest Detective too! And I've only done like five lessons in my Trixie Belden Home Detectivanting Class!

Jaws quote!

Commissioner Batman wraps up Jervis and the Justice League save the last three pilots. Then they all meet up in Mike W. Barr Park to have a civil conversation. Probably! Hopefully Commissioner Batman and Superman won't remember their Greg Pakian relationship.

The League let Gordon know (yes, they know it's Gordon! They know everything! Even without stupid amnesiac Batman's help!) that they need him for his detective work. The Justice League have a mystery to solve and Commissioner Batman has to get ready for his act. Hopefully he won't hold back. Because he knows if he comes through he's going to get himself a detective snack. That's a fact. The only problem is how hard it will be to find clues for this specific mystery.

The Mystery of the Giant Snow-Covered Skeleton!

Detective Comics #45 Rating: +3 Ranking. On the surface, this comic book really didn't have a lot going on. Most non-Grandmaster Comic Book Readers probably read it in two minutes and tossed it aside to read the next comic book in their stack. Mostly because the bulk of the book was Commissioner Batman flying around fighting F-15s. Not the most compelling story. But I'll tell you why I gave it such a good rating. First, Billy Batson smiled a lot and waved when appropriate. And not just Billy smiled! Flash and Cyborg and Superman threw a few smiles around as well. On top of that, the Justice League had a reasonable and compassionate interaction with Bruce while sticking to Alfred's wishes that they don't say too much. Also, when the Justice League flew in to help Commissioner Batman, he welcomed the help and was awestruck by the fact he was battling at their sides. And finally when they all met up again to ask for Commissioner Batman's help, everybody was civil and honest and acted like actual good guys. Okay, Aquaman was a little brusque but that's who he is! How often do we get heroes acting like adults? Not fucking enough. Thanks for showing heroes being reasonable, Mr. Tomasi!

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.

Fremeses!

Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.