Batman Eternal #31

Best Brave and the Bold Team-up that never was. But is now!

Oh, poor you! Did I hurt your feelings because I said your favorite hero sucked? Get over it! What if Sailor Moon had such thin skin? Would she ever have...wait, she did have really thin skin, the fucking cry baby. But she still saved the world over and over again because she never let assholes like me get her down! Buck up and stop caring about what an idiot on the internet says! You do know about 95% of this blog is facetious irreverence, right? Oh, of course you don't know that! Because everything has to be taken so fucking seriously! You kids have a difficult road to, um, pave if you're going to stop every three feet to lecture someone on not paving the way you think they should pave. And then instead of moving forward, you stand their tapping your toe waiting for an apology?! Jesus fucked! Don't let anybody else define you or what you love or how you pave! Just fucking get....

What the hell am I talking about?! I guess if I don't know, how are you going to know? I think I must have gotten my feelings hurt and decided to take it out on whatever random reader was sensitive enough to think I was talking about them! Ha ha! Take that, you mystery innocent! I sure feel better now!

On to the comic book! And don't worry, Aquaman isn't in it so there's a 50% chance that this commentary won't devolve into pointing out how idiotic he is! Oh stop trying to defend him! We all know he's super strong and dense and bullets bounce off of him and he can smash cars with his testicles! That's not an argument against why he's stupid! Those are just deflections so you don't actually have to think up a reason why he's not stupid! Whoops! Sorry about that! I guess there was only a 20% chance that I wouldn't start bashing Aquaman.

It's about time! I've been jonesing for an all out Arkham breakout!

Too bad Batman cleans up the riot in about one page. What kind of a lame ass version of Knightfall was that?! It's supposed to be a challenge when Batman has to battle all of the escapees from Arkham! I feel cheated by DC! Again!

Forget about Batman beating down the escapees. That's all old hat. And it's especially not interesting being drawn by Fernando Pasarin. I just can't get past how he draws such elongated torsos and squinty, weasel eyes on everybody! Anyway, there's that bestest Brave and the Bold Team-up to read about! And I know I'll love it even with squinty weasel eyes on Alfred!

Ah ha ha ha! You scamp, Bane!

I hope they have a song and dance number! It's not beyond the realm of possibility since Alfred is currently hallucinating. But instead of a gay romp through the sewers, Bane and Alfred are overwhelmed by black hand demon people. It's not as hilarious as the dance would have been.

Batman does some stuff and Hush does some stuff and Spoiler does some stuff and some of the stuff mixes in with some of the other stuff. And then the dance number happens although it's a bit weird without any music.

Now kiss!

Alfred leads Bane to an underground Batman cache and computer room. Bane never realizes it  though because the entrance is trapped and Bane is gassed. Alfred finally gets back in touch with Batman and Penny-Two and a pitiful, whining, nearly dead Batwing. "Help me! Help me!" he moans. Does it always have to be about you, Batwing? This is Alfred's moment!

And that other Hush, Batman, and Spoiler stuff I mentioned earlier? Nothing really happens with it. I guess Batman will have to save Spoiler from Hush next issue.

Batman Eternal #31 Rating: No change. Remember how in the television show, Alfred would occasionally dress up as Batman to fool everybody into thinking that Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't the same person at all even though all of the evidence pointed towards that conclusion? And simply posing as the Batman was all he could really do because he was a frail old man that would probably die immediately if he took one punch, even from Burgess Meredith? Well I think the comic book Alfred can put on the suit and do just as well as the regular Batman! Alfred might even be better at being Batman than Dick Grayson! Why isn't that a comic? Arkham Manor is a comic book! They can do a year's run of Alfred Pennyworth, Batman.

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

Justice League United Annual #1

I don't think it's fair that some comic books have been going for three years with no annual and Justice League United gets one after six months.

Don't you hate it when people tell you that life's not fair? Don't you just want to punch them in the throat?

This is both an annual and a story about the Legion of Super-heroes, so I'm doubly not excited to read it. Hopefully Neil Edwards draws an adorable Supergirl bum. That will at least keep me turning the pages with my free hand.

When will comic books stop using this stupid fucking plot device?!

If the Legion of Super-heroes weren't meant to be, they weren't meant to be, Mon-el. And since you're standing their existing, it looks like they were meant to be! So chill the fuck out, sit down with J'onn and Ace, and have a good laugh about how useless changing the past to ensure a specific future is. After he kills Ace Ultra, will Mon-el have to go to a dance to make sure two specific people fall in love? What if he has to ensure fifty school children die in a horrific fire? Does he start that fire? He's already willing to kill a child to make sure he exists (which he already does so maybe he just likes killing children?), what other monstrous things will he do to make sure his timeline comes to pass? Which it already came to pass since, you know, there he is coming back in time to ensure it comes to pass!

By the way, Mon-el, did you ever think that the Legion of Super-heroes will die because they sent you back in time to kill Ace Ultra? What if it's this memory of one of the Legion of Super-heroes trying to kill Ace Ultra when he was a child which causes Ace Ultra to hate the Legion of Super-heroes and decide they must eventually be put to death? You ever think of that, Mon-el, you big stupid idiot?

And if you can't defeat super old adult Ace Ultra one thousand years in the future, what kind of a dick move is it to travel back in time and kill him as a child? Maybe you should travel back in time to when Legion was first formed and tell them they need to train harder and recruit some tougher members? Why is the choice always to go back in time and kill somebody? That was the plot to Back to the Future, right?

Mon-el tells Martian Manhunter that there is no other way. So I guess he tried the options I suggested already. Of course just letting the Legion die and not traveling back in time is another option. What's so important that the Legion of Super-heroes needs to exist? Do they really have that many die hard fans whose money DC can't stand not having?

This is part one of a five part story called "The Infinitus Saga." So it continues Lemire's bold choice to begin long story arcs in issues that probably should be stand alone stories, like Issue #0 and Annuals.

I was going to scan a panel where Mon-el tells J'onn that there's no time so I could bitch about how there is obviously plenty of time because he can time travel but then a few panels that followed demanded they be scanned instead.

That crazy Zeta Beam! I think it must be tied to Supergirl's vagina!

I should probably footnote that caption but I suspect regular readers deserve some jokes just for them. I should probably footnote "jokes" because I'm obviously using a non-standard definition of the word.

How come Adam Strange was having dinner in his space suit? Don't the Rannians have any clothing that he could borrow? Does he spend all day and night in that heavy suit? Aren't his balls chafing the insides of his thighs, thick with gooey sweat steeping in a bacterial stew? At least they don't mind if he gets drunk with his gun on his hip.

So that situation isn't going to be settled any time soon, so let's see how Supergirl's bum is doing in space with Animal Man, Green Arrow, Stargirl, and the rest of Supergirl.

Nobody briefed Green Arrow on Supergirl's penchant for punching people in the face when she first meets them?

The JLU Away Team learns that Hawkman's body is being held by a cult that follows Byth. And nobody in the Pleasure Station seems to worry about what just happened. I suppose when your clientele are mostly bounty hunters, you expect this kind of destruction every now and again. It's probably why the price of the Alien Anal Bead Bonanza is so high.

Back on Earth, Brainiac 5, Phantom Girl, and Saturn Girl arrive to prove that future heroes have no more imagination when it comes to choosing names than the heroes of the present. Saturn Girl, Supergirl, Phantom Girl, Stargirl. In one thousand years, the biggest innovation in super hero names will be putting a space between the words.

Brainiac tells a sob story about how some jerk named Infinitus destroys the future. I don't see how that's the Justice League United's problem! Take care of your own timeline, Brainiac! I meant that "Brainiac" as an insult and not his name.

Not surprising to anybody listening to Brainiac's long winded whine, Ace Ultra seemingly becomes Infinitus. Is that Infin-I-tus or Infin-it-us? I like the first one because it sounds like a disease!

While Martian Manhunter decides to tell Brainiac to fuck off or to eat shit, the other Justice League United team continues their hunt for the corpse of Hawkman.

The Zeta Beam must run on solar vaginal power. Oh, go read all of my Supergirl commentaries if you must know!

The Away Team runs into Byth again. I bet Byth has something to do with Infinitus! Especially since he had the symbol for infinity scratched into his temple. Infinity. Infinitus. See how similar they are?! It's probably a clue!

And surprise! Hawkman is still alive! "What?" you say, spittle flying across your computer screen. "But he was dead!" Oh ho, my amateur comic book readers! This is something you'll learn soon enough. Nobody stays dead in comic books! It's practically a solidified theory of mathematics. If X is a length of time stretching towards infinity, and Y is a dead character then something equals something else and QED the hero is alive again! I could probably make a more accurate equation if I had gotten a degree in something other than Reading Books.

Level Twelve Intelligence just means you think like other people categorized as Level Twelve Intelligence! It doesn't make you any smarter than anybody else. Unless that's exactly what it makes you. What do I know? I'm only like Level Three! That makes Brainiac 5 three times smarter than me.

Brainiac 5 might have nine levels of intelligence on me but he's a big fat idiot. Wait. Did I just insult myself too?

Why not allow yourself a year? Hell, take two years! The future can wait!

Is it just me or is Brainiac 5 looking a little Cobainian?

Kurt Cobain was really Brainiac 5 saving the future!

Byth starts talking like Harvest so now I get to hate two aspects of this story! The plot dependent on future events that must not come to pass and an antagonist that has planned everything right down to getting punched in the face by Supergirl. Did Lemire come up with this story in his sleep? There must be a twist to it somewhere, right? Maybe Lemire is just overburdened with Futures End, so he decided to write an easy story. Or maybe he just always wanted to write one of these shitty comic book stories! I suppose the least I can do is be supportive of his dream! From here on out, I hope this story pulls in all of the shitty comic book tropes that continue to exist for some reason. Oh wait! I know the reason! Because crappy writers keep using them!

When did a Level Three Intelligence prevent a person from enjoying comic books? Are these things suddenly being written down to Level One Intelligences?! I blame Fandoms! They don't give a shit how horribly Jason Todd is being written as long as his image is on the page.

Byth mentions that the battle between the Justice League United, the Legion of Super-heroes, and himself has happened over and over and over again. It's a time loop that keeps happening and I'm guessing the good guys win every time because Byth mentions he's found a way to break the loop. The problem with a time loop like this is that it isn't experienced over and over and over again! It's just experienced once by each person. Byth doesn't experience it every single time the Legion comes back in time! So that would mean that every time the loop happens (you know, the one single time experienced one single time by all parties at the same exact time), Byth claims he has a way to break the loop. Which means he doesn't and he winds up failing every time (you know, the one time).

Justice League United Annual #1 Rating: It's got nearly everything I hate about comic books! It's practically the television show Heroes it's so bad! But I think it's meant to be bad so I'm going to be all positive about it and like it in a totally ironic way because I'm super cool like that. I totally love stuff that is stupid, dude. You just don't get it.

Swamp Thing Annual #3

Etrigan! Etrigan! Does whatever an Etri is!

I could also have gone with this:

He's a demon named Etrigan!
He lives in Jason Blood's garbage can!
He's strong to the finish!
Cause he eats the Finnish!
He's a demon named Etrigan!

Although I'm not sure rhyming "finish" with "Finnish" is thrilling poetry.

Somebody just commented on my Turds of Prey #15 commentary saying that it was a little disgusting in the beginning. Then another, mysterious person replied to her reply saying, "True." That's so odd! Nobody ever replies to any of my older posts and then two very different and utterly unique people posted one after the other? And they were in agreement that Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Grey" fiction (which I now realize might have been better as "50 Shades of Prey!" Or just "50 Birds of Prey," I guess) was a little disgusting. And since being the moderator, I get an email telling me the email of the guest who posted (or their IP Address), it didn't take Batman to realize both comments were from the same person! Which is kind of sad since she really didn't need to back up her opinion with another fake person agreeing with her. I agree with her! That story is a little disgusting! It's also quite disturbing! I don't think Grunion Guy should be allowed to write pornography.

The Jason Todd fans were saved by this Eve's comments because I was about to put them over my knee and pull down their sexy little pants and whoop the hell out of them. I'm pretty sure I hate all Jason Todd fans irrationally! Well, the hatred for very specific fans is quite rational. But I don't mind extending my hatred to all of them and then being labeled irrational! What do I care? Those assholes labeling me will be dead one day and then the joke will be on them! Ha ha!

Now I hope they all die before me or I'm going to have some serious egg on my dead face.

I also realized I jumped the gun with all the Etrigan mentions earlier since he isn't on the cover. But he was the one that was supposed to come for Cappuccino, so I've got all of my fingers crossed.

This Annual begins with rhyming demons attacking the swamp and coming up with every word they can think of that near rhymes with "Cappuccino." It's poetry on the level of an eighth grade romantic who has yet to realize he's really just a douchebag!

Good show, Alec! You can rhyme too!

Why are people so impressed with rhyming? Rhyming is not a talent! If you can't rhyme two words together, you're a fucking idiot. I don't mean if you can't make two words that don't rhyme rhyme! If you could do that, you'd be a magician! I mean if you...oh, what am I explaining myself to idiots and morons?! Fuck off!

Because of that "ita" typo, I'm now reading all of Swamp Thing's dialogue as Mario.

While Cappuccino lays dying because her thousand years of life are nearing an end, she asks Swamp Thing to tell her a story. She wants a funny story because dying is always a time of joy and hilarity. So Swamp Thing tells her the Popcorn Story. I hope it's also a little bit sexy.

It's not sexy at all! Or funny! Unless seeing Swamp Thing as a corn on the cob man is funny. But the story does remind Cappuccino that stories should end and the end of her story is coming up quickly.

The hero! The hero of the story!

Since Charles Soule is writing this book, I imagine Swamp Thing and Etrigan are going to have a long, philosophical discussion about corpse's rights rather than engaging in a twenty page bout of fisticuffs. Although I'm sure a little demon fire will blast a few of Swamp Thing's plant bodies before the issue is over. But I can't escape the feeling that Swamp Thing will talk Etrigan out of the deal rather than beating him back with brute force.

Swamp Thing and Cappuccino come up with a ruse that only Gaurav can bring to fruition. Swamp Thing swaps souls with Cappuccino so that she can fight Etrigan for her freedom.

The original width of this panel was 666 pixels before I resized it.

That's one of my predictions down! Now let's dispense with the fighting and get to the talking!

Even if Soule's encounters have become predictable, it's still a refreshing change from the usual comic book battles where whoever punches the most wins.

Etrigan tries to convince Swamp Thing that Cappuccino is evil so that he'll stop the battle and give her up to Etrigan. But Swamp Thing is more human than plant. Why would he be convinced of something so contrary to what he's seen during the time he's known Cappuccino? Only characters in horribly written comic books or on Parenthood believe what horrible strangers say over what they've experienced directly!

Although, I mean, it is Etrigan! And I did point out how he's the hero of the story earlier! And I'd much rather believe everything Etrigan says over anything that stupid, murdering woman named after a highly caffeinated drink would say! He must be telling the truth this time! He's the greatest character in DC Comics' entire history! I can't not trust him simply because he's a devil and a demon and morally corrupt and a murdering monster.

Either way, I'm still rooting for Etrigan! He's the best! (Get it? I said "rooting"!)

Lies! All lies! Finish her, Etrigan! Kill her!

Cappuccino comes back to swap bodies with Alec. Now that she has a connection with The Green, Swamp Thing places her in the Green with Brother Jonah when she dies. She's safe from Etrigan there. But what about the deal she struck with Etrigan before going back to Alec? What of that?! And will we find out before Charles Soule is forever lost to Marvel Comics? Probably not.

Swamp Thing Annual #3 Rating: It was the best annual ever because it starred Etrigan. Why was this a Swamp Thing annual? Shouldn't it have been a The Demon Annual?

Harley Quinn Annual #1

I've been rubbing Harley's tits for the last hour and I'm not smelling anything.

My cat Pelafina will be helping me read this issue since it is obviously meant as a cat book. The issue begins right off with a Rub 'N Smell experience!

It doesn't smell like her butt at all! It smells like leather.

Pelafina seemed interested in the leather smell but she agreed with me that it would have been better if it were ass. The leather smells authentic but then they've had years to perfect it! I think one of the seven Scratch 'N Sniffs included with Infocom's The Leather Goddesses of Phobos was leather, along with pizza, chocolate, perfume, garlic, and, I think, banana? Isn't banana always a Scratch 'N Sniff choice? I can't remember the last one. But you could have King Mitre remove the "T"s from any word. So maybe after changing the cotton balls to coon balls, you could smell those?

Now my whole office smells like Harley's leather butt! Pelafina is pawing at me now which either means she wants to be in my lap and completely in the way of everything or she wants me to hurry up and get to the next Rub 'N Smell!

Just from the leather smell, I'm already getting a headache. No wonder this comic was sold in a sealed baggy.

Harley gets dragged into Arkham Asylum because she forgot to load her gun when she went to do whatever she was doing when we first discovered that her ass smelled like leather.

Done and done!

Harley decides that the readers might want to know how she wound up in Arkham, so we get a smellback.

Pelafina approves of this smell. I'm not sure what it makes my finger smell like. I wish somebody were around right now so I could ask them to smell my finger. I think it's cocoa butter. Or bananas. Although banana is usually my favorite Scratch 'N Sniff smell and this isn't anything like the stickers I remember from my youth.

The advertisement for Arkham Manor smells like sweat and desperation! No wait. That's just me.

It turns out Ivy has been thrown in Arkham because she cares about the environment or flowers or monkeys or something. Harley needs to break her out! Although, really, if Harley waits a few days, I'm sure there will be a riot that will allow all of the inmates to escape.

Why does her lotion smell exactly like a comic book?

I think the lotion was supposed to smell like homicide since Harley is stealing a parachute from some sky divers waiting to get on the plane. I suppose there are safer ways to procure a parachute but they're all less entertaining than this.

The parachute is so that Harley can float safely to the ground after she's launched from New York City into Gotham via her dog poo flinger. It kind of works and she winds up in a new smell.

Has Scratch 'N Sniff technology not changed at all since Leather Goddesses of Phobos?

How can this comic book be graded to determine if it's in mint condition? I suppose it has to remain inside the sealed bag, right? Because to know if it's mint, you have to know if it still smells. But to know if it still smells, you have to rub a bit of the smell off! And then it probably drops a full grade!

That ends the smellback which leaves us to watch as Harley escapes from her cell in a scene full of burps and pants shittings. I would say, "So and so it's not!", where "so and so" is a bit of highbrow literature, but I don't know any highbrow literature.

Harley stumbles upon a secret lab where Ivy is working with some suspicious new Arkham employees. She's concocting some kind of hallucinogenic drug which will probably wind up being tested on Harley since the rest of the issue is composed of various artists. Sounds like hallucination time to me!

This, unfortunately, did not smell like a cock and balls.

Ivy has amnesia or is being mind controlled or something so she's not interested in any hanky or any panky with Harley. That's probably why Harley is going to wind up carving pumpkins. That's how I say "hallucinating" because my friend Bob and I were once going to carve pumpkins for Halloween while on mushrooms.

I think this smelled like Pinesol. I suck at identifying smells! At least it should make me hallucinate, right?

I bet the smell I couldn't remember from Leather Goddesses of Phobos was a pine air freshener!

Everybody gets a nice dose of A Better World, so now the reader gets to go on four different hallucinogenic journeys! The first is Poison Ivy's where she gives the Swamp Thing an erection, burns down some factories, and gets hit on by a gigantic bumblebee. But there are no smells, so let's move on!

Next is Doctor Bliss's acid trip. Her's is boring. Moving on, we get a cartoony hallucination that must be Harley Quinn's, although why would Doctor Bash get the last story?

The story is about Hurl Girl, Harley's comic book creation. Does that clear anything up?

Speaking of mind-numbing bozos, let's add the artist of this piece, Ben Caldwell, to the list for this horrible representation of the flag of the United States of America! This is a cartoon hallucination! Therefore, the number of stripes should be less than normal, not more than normal! Like the number of fingers on characters' hands! DUH! He got it right on the cartoon flag on the board!

The Hurl Girl hallucination ends with Harley as a cat teaming up to fight crime with an anthropomorphic hairball. Obviously!

The final hallucination is that of Doctor Bash. He thinks he's some detective or something trying to solve some obscure murders in a place nobody has ever heard of called Whitechapel. It ends quickly so we can discover the real threat behind whatever has been going on for the last thirty pages.

It's Egg Fu! And the recycled leather smell!

His elaborate plan was motivated by his need for an apartment in New York. Just his luck, Harley is a landlady! And now she has a new tenant that can't spend too long in the sun! And then Harley burps because DC purchased too much Pizza Smell and had to use it twice. But I'm not scanning that one because it's not new! And I've already spent too much time reading this silly thing!

Egg Fu moves into the House of Macabre and the last page has one last smell which is that Pinesol, perfume stuff from before. And now I just realized the Banana Coconut Lotion Oil stuff was used twice too but it was so subtle, and because I still had the same exact smell stuck in my nose from the previous Rub 'N Smell, I couldn't smell anything new and just thought it smelled like the comic book. Anyway, here's a scan of the final page to close this whole show down because it's titillating! That means acceptably pornographic!

Ugh. All those smells gave me a headache!

Sinestro #6

I gazed at this cover for about fifteen seconds wondering where the story was going with this horned version of Sinestro before I realized it was a Monsters of the Month Variant.

It's times like these, when I pick up a new copy of Sinestro to read, that I think, "What the fuck am I doing with my free time?" After three years of reading every comic book of DC's New 52, I can't say that I'm enjoying it the way I did when I began with four months of new titles, filled with magic and mystery, stacked up helter skelter in my office. Now I know what I'm getting. And I especially know what I'm getting when I pick up Sinestro. A tepid, mediocre, bland take on the character where I'm sure to be reminded, at least once per issue, that Sinestro and Hal Jordan are truest friends and most hated enemies! That's when I say, "Get Lamp coin? Give me some advice!"

That's good advice! I'm glad the other side didn't come up since it says, "It is pitch dark and you can't see a thing."

While I've enjoyed doing these commentaries for the last three years (and I'm not sure how much I could have enjoyed DC's Comics without doing the commentaries), I need to make a change. I took Athena's advice yesterday and finally threw out my beat up, holes in both soles pair of pink ROOS I found in a used clothing store a few years ago. Now it's time to walk a different path for awhile. I still want to keep up the comic book commentaries in some form since I can't remember what's happening from month to month without it. If I give this up entirely, I'll probably just stop reading comic books again.

I'm not quitting today! And don't completely blame Cullen Bunn for this (although, really, he's to blame); I've been a bit burnt out for awhile, and I can't ignore how hard Judas's death hit me. If I can find whatever it was that let me not give a shit about each commentary back when I started so that I could actually get through four or five comic books per day, I'd like to maintain that level of review. I probably became too aware of my audience which caused me to stop writing completely for myself. I became too self-conscious when a commentary was just a general rehashing of the events even though that's exactly the reason this blog came into existence. So that I could look back and remember what happened the previous month before I read each new comic book.

So I'm going to work on finding a balance between comic book commentaries and a few other projects I'd like to work on during Issue #36 month. Maybe I'll find this is the thing that I enjoy above all of my other hobbies. But before I learn that, I have to read Sinestro #6. At least it's part of the Godhead story, so maybe it won't be excruciatingly mundane.

Is this going to become an Arctic/Antarctica situation?

Cullen Bunn has been consistent with New Korugar being in Sector 3567 (I think!) but some other Green Lantern writer placed it in Sector 3052 at some point. I don't know where that was or why so I can't back up my statement! I can only say that when I read it at the time, I remember thinking (and possibly commenting!), "I thought New Korugar was where Necropolis had been in Sector 3567?" It's possible the mix-up simply happened because Sinestro's hideout was in Sector 3052 and some writer and his or her editors had not been paying attention. I added the pronoun "her" because I'm sure at some point a woman will write a Green Lantern comic book.

The Yellow Lantern with the crazy eyes and the pointy chin begins reminding Sinestro how Sinestro was humiliated by a woman because that always seems to be helpful in most situations. Remind the sexist (probably racist), psychopathic, egomaniac control freak that he's a complete failure. Especially since it just happened a few minutes ago. "Hey, hey! Remember just now how that chick punked you! HA!" It's as if these characters know their story took a month long break and that the people observing it needed two wasted pages worth of reminder to sum up the action from last month. Hey DC?! How about you either add a free page that gives a plot synopsis to help readers catch up or just stop wasting ten percent of your comic book having the characters remind each other about events that just fucking happened to those characters?! I already paid $2.99 for that story last month. I think providing a 20% refund for fans that show proof of purchase of Issue #5 is the least you can do. I'll expect my sixty cents within the next fourteen business days. Thanks!

Is that a euphemism for oral sex?

Everybody thinks Sinestro wants to find this woman that attacked her so he can date her. I'm not sure where they're getting this feeling. Did he have a huge Parallax while battling her? And you can't tell his emotions by looking in his eyes since they just look like glowing yellow washers. And that moustache is just fucking stupid. And that military haircut is so severe. Is he trying to look like the kind of guy that smashes shot glasses into the faces of people minding their own business?

Sinestro consults his Magic 8 Ball to learn that death is spreading like an infection. I would have chosen sexually transmitted disease but then I read Death's pamphlet on HIV and I love to steal things other people say but get them completely wrong when I do it. Conveniently for DC Comics that wouldn't want the end of Godhead ruined by Sinestro's Magic 8 Ball, the darkness that consumes the future keeps her from seeing the future.

This issue is called "Sacrifice" which seems strange because Sinestro wouldn't know a sacrifice if the bloody altar it took place on bit him in the stupid moustache.

Sinestro has a spy inside of Arkillo's ring called Despotellis, another shitty name I won't remember. It's apparently nicknamed The Worldkiller. I guess because Warren Ellis loves to write about despotic world killers? I don't know if that's true but since I said it, it probably is.

The Worldkiller is a tiny little thing. Is its name supposed to be ironic? Like calling a fat guy Slim? Or does it manage to kill worlds because people see it and become paralyzed by how cute it is before it eats their faces? Anyway, Sinestro learns from it that the Indigo Lanterns and the Green Lanterns are currently being defeated by Bekka of New Genesis and her army. Bekka is Orion's girlfriend. Unless she isn't.

Sinestro fixes Arkillo's hand and gives him a fake Yellow Lantern Ring (like how he gave Hal one in the early issues of Green Lantern) so that Arkillo, the Kilowog of the Yellow Lanterns, can get a small band together to help the other Lanterns. For some reason.

Is that another euphemism for oral sex?

Somehow the Yellow Lanterns get from Sector 3567 to Sector 2814 instantaneously. It's as if the Indigo Lantern's power of teleportation isn't fucking special at all! Any Lantern can seemingly get anywhere in the universe in mere seconds. Who needs the fucking Indigo Lanterns? Compassion is for losers!

When did Isamot become a Yellow Lantern? Quit yellowwashing Green Lanterns, DC Comics!

It's a good thing the Yellow Lanterns arrive to fight the majority of the battle against the New Gods since the New Gods can't be defeated. The Yellow Lanterns have lots and lots and lots of faceless, strange creatures that can be used as fodder so it looks like the death toll was massive. That's probably why the Yellow Lanterns get the weirdest looking creatures. Because every time the reader sees one, you get the vague sense that you've seen that crazy three faced creature before but can't be sure that it's the exact three faced creature you saw die in an earlier issue.

But...but...but...?!

Does anybody else have a free copy of Sinestro they can send me so I can finish my commentary because I just tore mine in half and pissed on it.

Wait, I think I can salvage the last few pages. But I'm getting my own piss all over me just to finish this commentary! You all owe me.

Sinestro sets the rings of the worst of the Yellow Lanterns to self-destruct as the best of them retreat with the Indigo and Green Lanterns. Then lots and lots of warriors of New Genesis die covered in pieces of weird aliens, leaving Bekka as pissed off as her boyfriend. Maybe.

Sinestro #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least I wasn't bored by this issue, which is high praise for Cullen Bunn's Sinestro!

Wonder Woman #35

Say goodnight to a well written, well drawn Wonder Woman comic book!

I have no idea whether Meredith Finch can write a good story or not. I'll judge it when I read it (probably quite harshly!). But I do know that David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren't in shadowy corners of the room and who don't have fish lips. He absolutely is a talented artist but only when he seems interested in the page he's drawing. And that interest only seems to extend to teenaged girls.

On an unrelated note, is Wonder Woman #36 being written by a teenaged girl?

But that small bit should be enough about the Finches for now. I'll have plenty of months in the future to disparage their ancestral line and question how many mutations must have occurred in their chromosomes. For now, let us just enjoy the final chapter in Azzarello and Chiang's run of Wonder Woman. You know, the chapter where we find out that Zeke was actually Zeus who was hiding so that the murderous prophecy of deicide could happen while he was safe in the arms of Wonder Woman?

And it appears Zola has become Athena! The "who" is a cute clue!

Poseidon, as usual, puts up a pretty shitty fight. I always feel bad for Poseidon. He wants to be so majestic and grand but he's just Aquaman writ large. He's just a big fish that's always out of his depths. He's fish stick day in the cafeteria when you were hoping for cheese pizza. He's ten thousand forks when all you wanted was rain on your wedding day. In conclusion, he's a loser and he's always been a loser and the greatest thing he ever accomplished was getting some sailor lost at sea for two decades.

The real adversary, The First Born, arrives to stop Zeke from ascending the throne. Too bad he brought his pal, the S&Minotaur, because that guy is probably going to betray The First Born and side with Wonder Woman. She's the only person that ever showed him mercy or love and he probably never forgot that. But before that can happen, more Gods need to die!

Oh, he'll be all right. I'm pretty sure he can't be killed by his Staff of Healing.

Forget about the Minotaur changing sides. Wonder Woman finds it's easier to gut him than hug him this time. Mostly because he killed a bunch of Amazons and he probably shouldn't have done that if he wanted to keep Wonder Woman as his friend. But the gutting doesn't take because Wonder Woman probably was feeling sentimental when she stabbed him. So instead of beating him, Wonder Woman is beaten by him. And The First Born takes out Zola and kidnaps Zeke.

Things aren't going very well for the heroes! Maybe I was rooting for the wrong side this whole time. Is The First Born the real hero? The child ignored and thrown away by callous parents that returns to punish them for their sins?

I don't think the good guy usually throws babies into bottomless pits, so I think I was rooting for the good guys all along.

I think this is the part of the story where everybody begins singing "All You Need Is Love" and The First Born goes running for his life because that song is so Goddamned repetitive!

But before throwing the baby in the pit and ending the prophecy and winning everything forever, The First Born catches a case of the Antagonist's Compulsion. He waits for Wonder Woman to awaken and then calls for her death at the hands of the S&Minotaur before he kills Zeke. Oh, The First Born. I know you've been locked away in a glacier for thousands of years but you could have at least familiarized yourself with the tropes that always cause the bad guy to fuck up in the end!

The beast refuses to kill Wonder Woman?! Who would have guessed?! WHO?

Seeing The First Born kill the creature that she spared so many years ago, Diana remembers that her most powerful weapon after hugs is mercy. She drops her weapons of war and challenges the First Born to a hug fight.

The First Born tosses Zeke and Zola into the pit but Hermes saves them because his Staff of Healing is also a Staff of Teleportation. It's a really powerful artifact! After that, Wonder Woman hugs The First Born really, really tightly with her Magic Lasso. And that's when Zola sets Zeke down on the Throne of Olympus.

Oh Strife. We all knew it! Practically from issue #1!

Here's what I wrote in my commentary on Issue #1:

By the end of the first issue, the oracles give a typically unclear oracle which leaves Apollo with the possible knowledge that maybe something bad might perhaps be going on and it could be Zeus’s fault, maybe? And that maybe Zeus doesn’t exist yet? Possibly because he got Zola pregnant with himself?!

Thank you! Thank you! I don't call myself Grandmaster Comic Book Reader for nothing!

Although I didn't guess that Zola was actually Athena. I did occasionally wonder where Athena was though. And then in Wonder Woman's Secret Origins, it was a bit telling that Athena had finally made an appearance to help Wonder Woman escape from lesbianism. I mean, from Paradise Island.

The First Born is knocked into the Abyss where he was planning on throwing the Last Born (who is the father of them both). Wonder Woman helps toss him in with a last lecture about love which she hopes he'll meditate on for the next seven thousand years instead of feeding the angry wolf. He is just a scorpion after all!

Tossing an old pair of shoes is actually really liberating.

Wonder Woman pleads with Athena to let the vessel which housed her for twenty plus years continue to live. And so, being wise and/or an owl, Athena agrees. And everybody lives happily ever after! If by everybody you ignore The Minotaur and Cassandra and The First Born and Ares and Poseidon and all of the dead Amazons.

Wonder Woman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a heartless, emotionless, uncaring bastard that over intellectualizes everything but this ending may have caused my eyes to water. The best run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! Of course, it's the only run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! I hope the next three years of this comic book are at least tolerable.