Wonder Woman #35

Say goodnight to a well written, well drawn Wonder Woman comic book!

I have no idea whether Meredith Finch can write a good story or not. I'll judge it when I read it (probably quite harshly!). But I do know that David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren't in shadowy corners of the room and who don't have fish lips. He absolutely is a talented artist but only when he seems interested in the page he's drawing. And that interest only seems to extend to teenaged girls.

On an unrelated note, is Wonder Woman #36 being written by a teenaged girl?

But that small bit should be enough about the Finches for now. I'll have plenty of months in the future to disparage their ancestral line and question how many mutations must have occurred in their chromosomes. For now, let us just enjoy the final chapter in Azzarello and Chiang's run of Wonder Woman. You know, the chapter where we find out that Zeke was actually Zeus who was hiding so that the murderous prophecy of deicide could happen while he was safe in the arms of Wonder Woman?

And it appears Zola has become Athena! The "who" is a cute clue!

Poseidon, as usual, puts up a pretty shitty fight. I always feel bad for Poseidon. He wants to be so majestic and grand but he's just Aquaman writ large. He's just a big fish that's always out of his depths. He's fish stick day in the cafeteria when you were hoping for cheese pizza. He's ten thousand forks when all you wanted was rain on your wedding day. In conclusion, he's a loser and he's always been a loser and the greatest thing he ever accomplished was getting some sailor lost at sea for two decades.

The real adversary, The First Born, arrives to stop Zeke from ascending the throne. Too bad he brought his pal, the S&Minotaur, because that guy is probably going to betray The First Born and side with Wonder Woman. She's the only person that ever showed him mercy or love and he probably never forgot that. But before that can happen, more Gods need to die!

Oh, he'll be all right. I'm pretty sure he can't be killed by his Staff of Healing.

Forget about the Minotaur changing sides. Wonder Woman finds it's easier to gut him than hug him this time. Mostly because he killed a bunch of Amazons and he probably shouldn't have done that if he wanted to keep Wonder Woman as his friend. But the gutting doesn't take because Wonder Woman probably was feeling sentimental when she stabbed him. So instead of beating him, Wonder Woman is beaten by him. And The First Born takes out Zola and kidnaps Zeke.

Things aren't going very well for the heroes! Maybe I was rooting for the wrong side this whole time. Is The First Born the real hero? The child ignored and thrown away by callous parents that returns to punish them for their sins?

I don't think the good guy usually throws babies into bottomless pits, so I think I was rooting for the good guys all along.

I think this is the part of the story where everybody begins singing "All You Need Is Love" and The First Born goes running for his life because that song is so Goddamned repetitive!

But before throwing the baby in the pit and ending the prophecy and winning everything forever, The First Born catches a case of the Antagonist's Compulsion. He waits for Wonder Woman to awaken and then calls for her death at the hands of the S&Minotaur before he kills Zeke. Oh, The First Born. I know you've been locked away in a glacier for thousands of years but you could have at least familiarized yourself with the tropes that always cause the bad guy to fuck up in the end!

The beast refuses to kill Wonder Woman?! Who would have guessed?! WHO?

Seeing The First Born kill the creature that she spared so many years ago, Diana remembers that her most powerful weapon after hugs is mercy. She drops her weapons of war and challenges the First Born to a hug fight.

The First Born tosses Zeke and Zola into the pit but Hermes saves them because his Staff of Healing is also a Staff of Teleportation. It's a really powerful artifact! After that, Wonder Woman hugs The First Born really, really tightly with her Magic Lasso. And that's when Zola sets Zeke down on the Throne of Olympus.

Oh Strife. We all knew it! Practically from issue #1!

Here's what I wrote in my commentary on Issue #1:

By the end of the first issue, the oracles give a typically unclear oracle which leaves Apollo with the possible knowledge that maybe something bad might perhaps be going on and it could be Zeus’s fault, maybe? And that maybe Zeus doesn’t exist yet? Possibly because he got Zola pregnant with himself?!

Thank you! Thank you! I don't call myself Grandmaster Comic Book Reader for nothing!

Although I didn't guess that Zola was actually Athena. I did occasionally wonder where Athena was though. And then in Wonder Woman's Secret Origins, it was a bit telling that Athena had finally made an appearance to help Wonder Woman escape from lesbianism. I mean, from Paradise Island.

The First Born is knocked into the Abyss where he was planning on throwing the Last Born (who is the father of them both). Wonder Woman helps toss him in with a last lecture about love which she hopes he'll meditate on for the next seven thousand years instead of feeding the angry wolf. He is just a scorpion after all!

Tossing an old pair of shoes is actually really liberating.

Wonder Woman pleads with Athena to let the vessel which housed her for twenty plus years continue to live. And so, being wise and/or an owl, Athena agrees. And everybody lives happily ever after! If by everybody you ignore The Minotaur and Cassandra and The First Born and Ares and Poseidon and all of the dead Amazons.

Wonder Woman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a heartless, emotionless, uncaring bastard that over intellectualizes everything but this ending may have caused my eyes to water. The best run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! Of course, it's the only run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! I hope the next three years of this comic book are at least tolerable.

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

Deadman
The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

Sinestro
With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

Wonder Woman #34

Seriously, DC Comics? This is the worst Monster Month Variant yet! Misogyny!

Wonder Woman's monthly is late! I blame Cliff Chiang! But who can stay mad at Cliff Chiang? He can take as much time as needed so I don't have to look at Goran Sudzuka's sub-par imitations of his work!

Now I feel bad because Goran Sudzuka's work is anything but sub-par, especially when Goran is trying to maintain the look of this comic book. I, for one, appreciate when an artist decides that the consistent look of a book is worth more than their individuality. Tony Akins should be commended as well on his work on this book. Cliff Chiang brought a truly distinct look to this comic book that modern readers don't see very often and I loved it from the first cover of Issue #1. And I've probably shoved my tongue up Chiang's ass on dozens of occasions, so let me give some of that tongue love to Goran Sudzuka and Tony Akins now. Thank you for maintaining the look on this book and trying your best to rival Cliff Chiang's cocky-ass work. All the artists on this book have just done a great job. I figure I should say that now before the book takes a huge nose dive into Shitsville (I think that's a trademark of Zynga) with the upcoming change in creators.

I should probably also thank the editors because I'm sure they had a hand in maintaining the consistently beautiful look of this comic book but fuck them. They're editors! Editors are the worst!

This is what was happening when the last issue left off two or three months ago.

Wonder Woman has been stabbed in the kidney up on Mount Olympus with the only person left to help her being Strife. So she's fucked. Except her name is on the cover of the comic book, so it'll probably all work out. Although Diana would probably be better off dying than being drawn by David Finch. Every time I read it, I'm going to be wondering, "Is this Wonder Girl? Why is Wonder Girl in this? What happened to Wonder Woman?!"

Zola is still trying to protect Zeke because she's the only one that didn't immediately realize Zeke was Zeus.

Hera is no longer pouting because her immortality was returned to her when Apollo was killed. Now she's back to not caring about anything but herself.

And Strife is celebrating because Wonder Woman has failed. But Wonder Woman has a plan to shit all over that party.

I guess Strife is hardwired to prevent peace. Gods tend to have less free will than mortals. That's what happens when your name is also your job and your motive for everything you do.

Wesley Willis still hasn't saved everybody but I'm sure it's coming soon.

Oh shit! Look at that! He was just two pages away!

Have I mentioned I've seen Wesley Willis perform before? Of course I have! Why wouldn't I have mentioned that every time he appeared in this comic book! And also in my commentary for Grifter #1 where I wrote my own Wesley Willis song! And every time I meet a person for the first time, I say, "Hello, asshole. I am Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. I once saw Wesley Willis perform in a small club in Portland, Oregon. He sang about his roommate fucking him in the ass. I did not head butt him at all."

Wesley only saves Orion and Moon for now. He also mentions how he's going to whoop The First Born's ass like Saddam Hussein. I really wish he would have said he'd whoop The First Born's ass like he whooped Batman's ass.

Strife brings Diana back to Paradise Island where the whole gang can be reunited. Also where Diana almost calls Strife a bitch so that long time Wonder Woman fans can gasp in horror. You know, if any are even left after Issue #7.

Throughout this series, Strife and Wonder Woman have constantly been at each others' throats. I'm pleased that Hippolyta says, "It's in strife that Amazon mettle is honed." It shows that Strife always had her proper place in Wonder Woman's group even though she was so antagonistic towards them. And Strife always seemed to help out even when she was trying to undercut their plans.

Thank the New Gods for their miracle New God technology that falls from BOOM Tubes at just the right moment! Somebody should think up a clever way to say that!

Hephaestus and Dio arrive on the backs of steampunk, two-tusked mûmakil. Oh, maybe they're just elephants! But elephants with flails on their trunks! And Gatling guns for tusks! And lasers for buttholes! But that's just the final battle against The First Born and that's less important than what's happening with Zola and Zeke.

Cassandra has gone after Zola and Zeke because she didn't realize that Hera was actually going to form some kind of attachment to the woman and her child. Hera protects Zola from Cassandra long enough for Diana to arrive in time to protect Cassandra from Hera. And then it's off to Olympus to fulfill the prophecy Apollo's back-up singers prophesied way back in the first issue. And maybe also First Born #1?

Once in Olympus, before Zeke can take (retake?) the throne, Poseidon appears to block the way. So one last obstacle for one last issue before Zeus is restored and everything goes back to normal and Wonder Woman can begin battling Circe or something in Issue #36.

Wonder Woman #34 Rating: No change. I've enjoyed this entire series so far although you have to admit that it isn't really much about Diana. It's more of a comparison and contrast sort of thing. Seeing who Diana has become due to and in spite of the influences she's had in her life. And throughout the series, we've seen how she's been able to influence those influences to question themselves and to become better people. Although I have a feeling her desegregation policy for Paradise Island won't stand the test of time. Or, you know, future writers on this book.

Wonder Woman #33

I get it! Batman's been around a long time. Now give me my regular covers back! Stupid comic book store making me miss out on a Cliff Chiang cover!

Wonder Woman has been captured by The First Born and taken to Mount Olympus where he can spend some time killing her. But Diana shouldn't be worried because Wesley Willis is on the way to save her! And he kicked Batman's ass, so you know he can take The First Born!

"I was just minding my own business,
Looking at the pigeons eating their pigeon food,
When this guy bumped into me on the street.
He said, 'Watch it, fatty,' which really made me mad.

I said, 'Hey man, that is not cool.'
He said, 'You are a crazy fat homeless fucker.'
I said, 'I will not be spoken to in that tone.'
He said, 'I am The First Born, bitch.'

So I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!

He fell to the ground moaning in pain.
People began gathering around and talking loudly.
I did not want to be arrested. I did not want to go to jail.
I booked it away as fast as my fat ass could take me.

Love. It's what makes Subaru, a Subaru."

Once again, Orion pisses off the ladies. Hey Orion! You catch more poontang flies with pretending you think women are goddesses honey! Unless the woman actually is a goddess and then you're likely to get your ass kicked for being a lecherous, insincere asshole! Actually, that's likely to happen even if the woman isn't a goddess.

I'm not one of those guys who pretend women are equal just to become ingratiated with them. I know they're exactly like men. I often go up to them in coffee houses and say, "Hey ladies. I like how you have penises just like men. You do, right? Isn't that what's going on down there? I'm not sure it is though because when I wear panties, they fit strangely so I'm beginning to suspect something different about men and women in the pants area. Although women's underwear might fit strangely because putting on a pair makes me sexually excited and it's really hard to stuff an erect penis into a pair of panties." I mean, I used to say that until I became a man and had loads and loads of sexual relationships with women and their penises.

Ahem. Anyway, back on Paradise Island, The First Born's army of gnolls begins its invasion. The gnolls have driven tanks onto the island so it's exactly like every game of Dungeons and Dragons you've ever played in fifth grade with that one kid with the crazy eyes and five older siblings so she knew tons of dirty jokes that you didn't understand at all but laughed at anyway because you didn't want her to think you didn't know anything at all about sex even though it shouldn't have been weird that a ten or eleven year old kid didn't know anything about sex. So during that one game where you had just blown four of Tiamat's heads off with shoulder mounted nuclear missiles while your talking dog cheered you on and she told you that joke about the cop that would let you and your friend and the school bully go if the cumulative length of your three penises measured a certain length and, with only the bully's penis left, you only needed half an inch more for the cop to let you go and the bully showed his penis and it was half an inch and the cop let you all go and then the bully said, "Good thing I was popping a boner," you just pretended that you knew what a boner was and howled with laughter. Although why was a cop looking at kids' junk in the first place? Can you actually get out of tickets if your penis is big enough?

This is the same reaction I always got at the coffee house!

The First Born sends Cassandra and the S&Minotaur down to Paradise Island to fight with his gnolls. But before the S&Minotaur leaves, he glances toward Wonder Woman because he remembers her and her mercy and her compassion. But The First Born doesn't take kindly to the glance.

I know it's probably unprofessional for a writer to change voices in the middle of a written piece, but I want to actually discuss this moment in a more serious tone. So this caption is preparing you for the shift in voice.

The most obvious aspect of this moment is the difference in leadership shown between The First Born and Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman rules with love and compassion and The First Born rules with threats and violence. The other aspect is what I see wrong with the conclusions which some existentialists come to when they realize the universe is a random, uncaring place. Just because nothing we do actually matters to the world or the universe or has any effect on the grand scheme of things, simply because there is "no sentimentality in life," one cannot conclude that what we do as individuals doesn't matter greatly. As soon as we gained the ability to philosophize and rationalize and empathize and view our place within the world, we lost the excuse that we should act as unforgivingly and uncaringly as the rest of the unthinking universe. There may be no sentimentality in nature but there is absolutely sentimentality in human nature. What we do to each other, how we treat each other, matters. With no reward in the afterlife, no grand purpose, no everliving ego, all there is is what we do during our lifetime. If you ruin another person's life, you are ruining their one, single chance at it. You are ruining everything. For some reason, people believe that an afterlife with a promise of a reward or a threat of punishment is the best way to get people to act civilly. But can we not see that isn't the case at all? Life has far less meaning if it's seen as merely a way station to a greater existence. This is where religious folk get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to atheists. We cherish life because we understand it is fleeting. Atheists should be humanists because we understand the criminality of destroying even one life in any way at all. We should be feminists because we believe everybody deserves the same chances at living their lives how they want to live them. We should be good-humored and facetious and easy to laughter and less likely to take offense at things although I'm not sure any of what I just said is truly the case as often as it should be. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt more often than I should because I see in others what is in me. I might offend with my humor or my writings or something I might say but that's all inconsequential to actual life. Disagreeing with another person isn't a bad thing. But forcing a person to change because they disagree with you? That's where I disagree. Or something. Any ladies want to show me their penises now?

God I suck at writing seriously. I'm glad that's over. I'm sweating profusely at that aborted attempt! This is why I like comic books! Because colorful pictures take the edge off serious topics!

See? Colorful images! They must be talking about cotton candy and gummi bearschen!

Diana refuses The First Born's mindbogglingly bad romantic advances (even worse than mine!) so he stabs her in the kidney and heads to Paradise Island to finish the battle. As Wonder Woman begins to bleed out into The First Born's pool of blood, Baby Zeke uses his Zeussy powers to reanimate Hippolyta. Now she's an unbeatable stone statue warrior goddess! Oh, also Orion took an S&Minotaur horn to the abdomen, so he's kind of out of it. And Wesley Willis hasn't saved the day. Heck, he hasn't done anything except appear in a single panel! I thought he was going to be the savior of everyone. I am disappoint.

Wonder Woman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are getting serious! I think. There were so many pretty Cliff Chiang images that things might have also just been a rollicking good fun time party.

Wonder Woman #29

Looks like Diana has finally had enough of someone's shit.

I just spent all the time I'd allotted to reading this comic looking for the source of the quote that Wonder Woman's origin is too complicated for a movie. I didn't find the quote. I found other people paraphrasing the quote. I found a different quote by Diane Nelson (President of DC Entertainment, I believe? I don't pay for fact checkers around here! And when I do my own fact checking, I get lost in the internet for hours at a stretch!) where she said, "We are still trying right now, but she’s tricky." That isn't the entire quote and it isn't necessarily about her origin or her story. It's probably mostly about her huge amount of fans that will burn the theater to the ground if DC fucks up a Wonder Woman movie by portraying her as Steve Trevor's arm candy. I also read a lot of commentary on negative commentary on Johnny Storm being cast as a black man in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie. I didn't actually read any negative comments because I didn't delve too deeply into comic book forums. I could have since I still have to hop in the shower but I didn't because I don't currently own a luffa to scrub myself clean after climbing out of the pestilent bog of a comic book forum. One guy did call the as yet non-existent movie a "piece of garbage" that he wouldn't pay to see but would probably still watch on blu-ray and only after borrowing it from a friend. So that guy seemed like a real life winner.

My point is that I keep reading people's comments about the "Wonder Woman's origin being too complicated" quote but have never read the quote myself and been able to put it into context. Was it just one asshole executive speaking off the cuff about a character he doesn't know anything about? Was it a press release about why the Wonder Woman pilot tanked? It's just that the "too complicated" reason has gotten so much attention and yet I've never seen the actual quote. Plus the quote seems to be generally attributed to everybody that won't make a Wonder Woman movie, so I supposed I probably said it too at some point. I could draw a Wonder Woman flip book short! But it's probably too complicated.

You know what? Would Wonder Woman give up so easily? No! So I'm going to find that fucking quote no matter how long it takes! And I'm going to document it! First up, I'll ask Lord Google about "WB Executive 'Wonder Woman' complicated.' That should get it! Unless the quote wasn't originally from a WB Executive! Hmm. No, no. I'll start here because most of the information I have so far states it was a WB Executive!

My first hit leads me to an article on reafdebrief, a wordpress blog. Skimming through the article for the appropriate quote, I find this: "One of the other big problems that keeps getting brought up by critics, WB executives, DC executives, and fans, is that Wonder Woman is ‘too complicated’ to do on film." Dammit! So close! But, once again, hearsay!

Next up is an interview with Grant Morrison by HollywoodReporter with this quote: "DC Comics writer Grant Morrison suggests that there isn't anything wrong with Wonder Woman -- but with executives who have 'just convinced themselves' that she could never work onscreen." Speculation. But it's speculation from Grant Morrison, so I could barely understand it. I think it involved time travel or multidimensional logic or something.

You know what? Maybe my problem is I've turned to Lord Google! I should probably be asking Empress Tumblr!

Empress Tumblr simply gives me this cartoon. Which is great! Thanks, Empress Tumblr, for completely doing whatever the fuck you want instead of helping. You never fail to bring joy even when I need medical help or serious research.

So back to Lord Google and another attempt at a site that I won't even mention because it's just blah blah blah and not the answer I'm looking for!

You should probably just go out and buy Wonder Woman #29 yourself at this point if you're still reading this because I'm not going anywhere until I find this quote! You know what I should do? Just post this half-finished. I'm sure somebody will respond in five minutes with a link to the fucking quote! It's not that I don't believe it exists; I absolutely do! But I want to fucking read the exact quote already! Especially when it's been repeated over and over and over again but as hearsay!

The next try is from an article from the site Crustula entitled "It Is Mostly Marvel's Fault That We Don't Have A Wonder Woman Movie." I got excited for a second over this quote because part of it was linked! Surely I'd found the Grail! "Whenever an executive from Warner Brothers is interviewed and the subject of a Wonder Woman movie is brought up, the exec always gives an answer along the lines of ‘Wonder Woman is a very complicated character” Wonder Woman’s origin is very confusing”, “Translating Wonder Woman from the page to the screen is extra tricky“, “finding the right actress to be Wonder Woman is very difficult”." But alas! The link goes to the Diane Nelson quote I already quoted a piece of above and attributed to the quoter! The other ones do not link to anybody even though these fucking executives seem to all the time be giving these shitty reasons for us not having a Wonder Woman movie! Goddamn bastards! So vociferous and yet so shady and sly! I will find them out!

Aha! Now I'm getting somewhere! A link to a Tor article called "The Problem with Wonder Woman" looks quite promising! The author, Shoshana Kessock, does not quote anyone in this article written in June of 2013. But she begins by stating that Wonder Woman has always been a problem for DC and then says, "Wonder Woman is a complicated character with a complicated creation story." That almost sounds like the quote! Was the quote said by a WB Exec prior to June 2013? Have I been reading the outrage about it for almost a year now? It's hard to tell since I exist somewhat outside of linear time. It's a slight problem that I don't want to get into, especially if I have to explain how I react to the urge to excrete bodily wastes. Anyway, could she be soft quoting these WB Execs? Or could Shoshana indirectly be the source of the quote misattributed to someone as a reason for keeping the film down? It's a possibility to keep in mind but not a conclusion to jump to until more research (and less comic book reviewing) is done!

Even if I don't find this quote, I'm not going to conclude it doesn't exist. I'll just wait for somebody with better research abilities and a knowledge of the actual quote to point me to it! But until then, let's look at some more articles that assume the existence of the quote without actually providing it!

Oh wait! I've got one that looks promising! It's on...reddit. Oh. This could be anything! Hmm. It's a forum entitled "Warner Bros. Executives 'Convinced' Wonder Woman Couldn't Work on Film" that links back to the Grant Morrison interview where Morrison speculates that that is what executives think. That article was from July 2013 so it's possible this is where the quote came from. Here's the link to that interview so you can see it's all Morrison speculation as to the way executives think. This could easily be the source of the quote. Especially if a place like reddit picked it up in a forum and retitled the article which obfuscated what was said and by whom.

After looking back over some of the other quotes, I see Diane Nelson's quote is also from July 2013 as well. I could believe that's actually the quote that everybody is referring to although it's odd to call her a WB Executive instead of "President of DC Comics"! And she doesn't say "too complicated" anywhere in the quote. She is definitely the source for people hearing that somebody said Wonder Woman doesn't have a compelling origin story though. Her quote to HollywoodReporter.com was posted on TheMarySue.com which would have really gotten it to a wide audience, so it's a good frontrunner for the quote. It seems some other "too complicated" quote does exist though since TheMarySue says "Another day, another person in the entertainment industry saying that making a Wonder Woman movie would be 'tricky'" in regards to Diane Nelson's quote. Perhaps the "too complicated" quote is Morrison's speculation? Are these two articles the main sources? I don't know. Research is not as fun as reading comic books!

At this point, I think I'll stop documenting my research. I'll read a few more articles to see if anything else comes up but out of all the articles I found claiming that WB Executives have said Wonder Woman is too complicated, I've either not been given a source or been sent back to one of those two sources I mentioned: Grant Morrison's speculation and Diane Nelson's discussion about Wonder Woman being tricky because it needs to be done right or Hollywood will justly burn. That's my quote which is a misquote of Diane Nelson! I said that one! About the arson!

Maybe the quote I'm looking for is just enmeshed in all the various explanations as to why David E. Kelley's Wonder Woman pilot failed. Or possibly from the explanations as to why Joss Whedon's Wonder Woman script wasn't greenlighted. I'm sure there were a lot of excuses being thrown around after those failures. Maybe the quote, attributable to a WB Executive, never existed. Technically Diane Nelson is a WB Executive for the Interactive Entertainment section but that has nothing to do with movies and TV shows. Anyway, the bottom line is Wonder Woman has yet to have a movie while Batman and Superman have had multiple reboots already. You don't really need any actual quotes to know a Wonder Woman movie is long overdue and just isn't getting done. Hollywood has dropped the ball, plied it with drugs and alcohol, and sodomized it on the front lawn. And so on to the only way anybody gets to read about Wonder Woman: the comic book! And since it's The New 52 version of Wonder Woman, many people would say even this isn't worthy of the character.

See? The comic book! I'm reading the comic book now!

The issue begins with Hera being struck by a flaming green fireball! Maybe she's getting her godhood back? Perhaps The First Born killed Apollo, King of Olympus, and so his power reverted to the Queen of Olympus! Which I think Hera still was even though Apollo took away her powers and banished her to Earth. Oh, that's probably why she got her power back! Because Apollo was keeping them from her and when Apollo was killed, he couldn't contain them anymore and they returned to mommy.

Lending credence to the theory that Hera's powers were returned is the supernova appearing in the sky and Artemis, Apollo's twin, realizes something is wrong. I mean, the supernova was kind of a hint but I guess I shouldn't discount her Twinnie Powers of Extra-Sensory Sensations.

Hermes teleports Artemis and himself to Olympus just as Wonder Woman safely guides the disabled ship carrying Cassandra, Zeke, Zola, Dio, and Bearotaur to a safe landing.

Good thing Hermes is the God of Mending Broken Bones!

Everybody arriving on Olympus discovers at the same moment that The First Born has taken over. Apollo is dead. And so Apollo's prophecy from Issue #1 has come true because the idiot didn't listen to it very well. And the prophecy that The First Born would kill a god to take the throne has been fulfilled too! Which means Zeke (AKA Zeus) can grow to full size, lock The First Born back inside an icy continent, and take back the throne.

The First Born almost kills Artemis by sticking his veins inside of her and sucking out the precious god-juice. But Wonder Woman saves the day with hugs from her Kaiser Blade! Since Artemis is owed a favor by Diana, she calls it in. She asks Wonder Woman to accept her title as God of War so that she stands a chance against The First Born. I think it's going to take more than the God of War to win this fight. It's going to take a baby.

Or a mommy!

Hera reveals that thing I said earlier about Apollo restoring her to active duty as Queen of Olympus. Of course, she makes it seem like he did it on purpose. I'm not buying it! That makes him kind of heroic! I think he just lost control when he died. His body loosed its bowels and part of that was releasing Hera's power back to her.

Hera teleports everyone to Paradise Island because I guess they're going to need snakes! I bet they're going to put them in a can of peanuts to give to The First Born! Or maybe Hera is going to transform them back to Amazons? Oh yeah! It's probably that one!

Has that baby pooped even once?

Wonder Woman finishes the issue by addressing her sister Amazons (not snakes!) not as a super hero but as a God of War.

Wonder Woman #29 Rating: No change. Is Azzarello's story almost over? Isn't that jerk David Finch taking over next? Or was it Tony S. Daniel? I remember it was one of those guys whose art and writing together give me gas. Although I think the wife of the artist is going to do the writing if my Gossip Elves are to be believed. Also, if that quote I was looking for exists, I'll have the link within ten minutes of posting this! Probably! So thanks if that happens!

Wonder Woman #28

Last issue, The First Born was about to escape and kill Apollo, Cassandra and her Magic Bull were about to kidnap Dionysus, and Wonder Woman and Artemis were wrestling naked in the hills. Zola and Zeke were on their own in France since they wanted nothing to do with the Pig Orgy. And Wesley Willis was still on New Genesis trying to get a bomb removed from a critical part of his body. Lennox was still a mantlepiece. Hera was living the life of a depressed homemaker. And Clark Kent was wondering why he never gets to be a part of Wonder Woman's comic book.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman, Hera, Hermes, and Artemis on the hunt.

I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I'm baffled by this dialogue. Maybe I forgot I was drunk.

Anyway, Artemis catches scent of Dio as well as Zola and jumps to a seemingly logical conclusion that if they search for Dionysus (who will be easy to find because they'll just follow the trail of empty wine bottles and dismembered corpses), they'll find Zola. But by the time they find Dionysus, he might already have been kidnapped by Cassandra, leaving Zeke and Zola alone in the French wilderness. That's the worst wilderness to be alone in if you only speak English because even if somebody hears your cries for help, they'll just scoff and continue on their way. That's worse than the American version of this because you know the French person understands that you need help because they will understand English but they'll still refuse. An American who hears a foreigner calling for help in another language won't understand and will probably shoot them as a terrorist. Oh wait. That's worse. My mistake.

Although getting lost in the woods in France also means you get chased by people like this:

Again, I guess if you've seen Deliverance, you might argue that lost in an American wilderness is still worse.

I've never seen Deliverance but I think I wouldn't mind seeing a remake of it by Guillermo del Toro. Actually, I guess the above panel could easily be one of the story boards for that.

While Dio fails to stop the Bearotaur from having its way with him, Wonder Woman and the others arrive at the edge of the woods just in time to hear either a scream from a god with a Bearotaur penis in his ass or the scream of a Bearotaur with his penis in a god's ass. It's hard to tell since I don't think there's a comic book standard sound effect for either one of those. Now if I could actually hear the sound with my own ears, I'm fairly confident I could identify which it was.

Artemis finds the scream exciting and sprints into the woods followed by Wonder Woman and Hermes. Hera remains behind because she's a useless member of the team. So now she knows how Aquaman must feel hanging out with the Justice League.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Apollo is finding out that The First Born is not an easy creature to kill. He's completely warn himself out turning The First Born into a walking piece of charcoal. Now it's the charcoal's turn.

As Dio is brought aboard Cassandra's ship and Zola and Zeke slip aboard as well, the Good Guys arrive. I know the terms good and bad depend on a lot of factors and perspectives but since Wonder Woman's name is on the cover of this comic book, I'm going to go ahead and trust that she's in the right. If DC published more anti-hero comic books, I might be unsure. But 99% of their titles are either "heroes" or Batman. I sure would like more books based on super villains. That's why I hope Lois Lane gets her own title!

This was just a cool looking panel.

Before Cassandra's ship takes off with the Bearotaur and its captive (and the stowaways!), Wonder Woman makes eye contact with the Bearotaur. Is this the same creature she fought in her Zero Issue when she was thirteen? The one which she mercifully let live? I know it looked more like a bull back then but things change! The old style gives rise to modern interpretation! If this is the same beast, it will definitely wind up siding with Wonder Woman because Wonder Woman's greatest power is making friends! I don't have that power at all! I don't think I've made a new friend in well over a decade!

Now that Cassandra has Dio, she has her key to get into Olympus and collect The First Born. But I don't think he's going to want to leave because he's on the cusp of defeating Apollo and taking the throne for himself. But just before The First Born can squeeze the last of Apollo's life from his body, and just before Cassandra's ship arrives (with Wonder Woman now hanging from the bottom), Apollo detonates Olympus and blows everything sky high. Or sky low? Earth low? Space high? I don't fucking know where Olympus is located in reality.

Wonder Woman #28 Rating: No change. It feels like everything is coming close to wrapping up! Although Zeke is still just an infant and not a grown ass man that likes to rape mortals while pretending to be different creatures or inanimate objects. I suppose once The First Born is no longer a threat, Zeke will grow a big beard and reclaim the throne and make his wife a god once again. He might keep the name Zeke though. Zeke, King of the Gods, sounds about right.

Wonder Woman #27

Was it obnoxious that as a kid I used to sing "Wounded Woman!" to the Wonder Woman theme song?

If you haven't noticed by now with all of my variations on songs by sticking "Animal Man" in them and my different renditions of the Spider-Man Theme Song, I have this disease where I'm unable to sing the correct lyrics to songs. The Non-Certified Spouse finds it both amusing and frustrating, depending on how much she really wants to hear the song playing at the moment. One of my favorite lyric changes I came up with is to Bryan Adams "We're In Heaven."

"Baby you're all I want when you're lying here in my arms!
I'm finding it hard to believe you're just seven.
And love is all I need! And I found it there in your heart!
It isn't hard to see. You're just seven."

Okay, maybe that one is a tiny bit inappropriate and disgusting. But it still makes me giggle. The other one that makes me giggle like an idiot is to sing "Broken Arms" to Journey's "Open Arms." I'm pretty sure this is some form of Tourette's. I'm waiting for the proper medication to be advertised during Wheel of Fortune so I, and all the others that suffer with this problem, can be cured.

The story so far...Wonder Woman has been completely ignoring her personal life while she's busy cleaning up all the collateral damage caused by Zola fucking a truck driver that just happened to be Zeus disguised as a semi-truck driving man-pig. Any other friend would feel a little bit put out by now but Wonder Woman is such a sweet and compassionate killer that she doesn't mind. Plus it gives her a good excuse to walk out on Clark in the morning without having to have another boring conversation about goodness and light over badly cooked waffles and thick ass coffee.

Oh! Last issue's cover was just one month early! Now The First Born is taking that shit.

I just noticed that last month I wrote my Wonder Woman commentary on 1/1/2014 and today I'm writing it on 2/2/2014! I think that means something to people that believe in nonsense like numerology and Creationism.

Apollo is busy torturing The First Born because he's an idiot that should be more careful when it comes to prophecies. Being a Greek God, he really should know better. But instead he thinks he's won and he has the upper hand and no way is he about to lose the throne and, very possibly, die messily. The First Born knows that's probably what's going to happen though which is why he's got a huge smile on his face at the end of this scene. Either that's why or he just passed that massive stool he's been straining over.

Meanwhile Diana has actually decided to deal with her own life for a bit by taking a trip to see the family on Paradise Island! Too bad the family have all been turned into snakes. Really though. This isn't that different from every other family reunion that mortals attend over the holidays. But Diana is going to be really upset when she realizes that in the short amount of time she decides to take care of her own business, Zola has run off and gotten herself kidnapped by Dionysus.

Oh. Actually Diana is taking this family moment because she's lost Zola. The linearity of a story doesn't always remain so linear in my head. Or maybe there were some between issue moments that are merely hinted at. It's hard to know when I can't retain every single detail of the previous comic books and my commentaries are mostly me blabbing about food and masturbation instead of the details that would actually help me keep track of the fucking story.

Meanwhile Zola is in France hanging out with Dionysus. At some point, a bunch of young men and women arrive to go hunting for "truffles" with Dionysus.

Is this going to end with Zola being ripped apart?

Meanwhile Cassandra decides to go hunting truffle hunters because she needs a god to get her into Olympus so she can rescue The First Born. You know, she should be thanking Lennox for crushing her throat and ruining her power because at least people believe the things she says now.

Wonder Woman is searching for a god as well. She needs a Hunter because Zola and Zeke are untraceable now thanks to Strife's gift she gave to the baby. So Diana seeks out the Goddess of the Hunt, Artemis. Also known as Moon. Also known as the god whose ass Wonder Woman kicked so why would she be willing to help her? Also known as Sailor Venus's cat.

To the death?

Wonder Woman barely even tries and Moon isn't really that surprised that Diana submits so easily. Moon wants something from Diana so she accepts the fake fight's outcome. But Wonder Woman smiles much the same way that The First Born did earlier, so she's getting what she wants by having Moon think she's getting what she wants by thinking she's giving Wonder Woman what she wants. I think. I'm confused. Anyway, Wonder Woman just fought a bear!

Meanwhile on Olympus, Apollo finds himself fighting a bear as well. But the bear is actually The First Born. So it's not as exciting as I made it sound at first. Especially for all of you deviants that are into bear-bating. Sicko pervs!

Oh wait. It's bear-baiting. Well, that's completely different. Never mind.

Back in France, Dionysus's friends turn into pigs and scare Zola away. Also joining the Truffle Hunt? Cassandra and her pet Minotaur! Except their hunt is for Dionysus.

Wonder Woman #27 Rating: No change. Everybody is Kung Fu Hunting! Diana and Artemis after Zola and Zeke. Cassandra and her Minotaur after Dionysus and The First Born. Dionysus after Truffles. Hera after somebody to pray to. The First Born after Apollo. Apollo after allegiance. This issue should have been called Hunting the Hunters Who Are Hunting Hunting Hunters instead of "The Unsettling Son" which is actually a nice little play on words and godhoods and celestial bodies and shit.

Wonder Woman #23

I just reread my commentary on Issue #22 where I completely deconstructed myself. I think everything after that commentary is just quietly spooning and glancing at the digital clock glowing in the dark across the room while trying to figure out how quickly you can make an exit without being insulting.

It's not like I planned on fucking all five hundred or so of you only to disappear back into the anonymity of the internet. But we both knew when our eyes met across the URL that it wasn't going to last. You saw something in me that really lit your fire and I saw in you a few sweaty nights of sexual gratification. Sure, it would have been less complicated if I'd just used my hand. But you were sitting there at your keyboard, so cute in clothing and sipping on a hot beverage. I just had to know what was under that rumpled, slightly oversized shirt you were wearing. And you wanted...well, we know what you wanted, right? It's all over your face. Would you like a washcloth? Anyway, we both used each other. I think we can live with that, can't we? I mean, I know I can. You're just going to have to see a therapist or take some sedatives because neither of us wants this to get weird once I tell you I never want to see you again. Right? Please just go.

That's my break-up speech to you if I ever suddenly disappear from this blog. So you should bookmark this page or save it in a notepad file or something so you can have some closure when the day comes that I get hit by a bus and no more updates are forthcoming.

Hey, I'm just being realistic here! I love running in front of buses and quitting things. So I'm bound to disappear. It's best that we're all just prepared for it beforehand. Whew. That feels so much better. Now that we both know our best times are behind us, the pressure has lifted. I feel like I don't have any reason to impress anybody anymore. It's sweat pants and loud farts time!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman and her party in Room 41, The Lair of The First Born. It's filled with Gnolls which shouldn't be too rough a fight seeing as how Wonder Woman and eighty percent of the rest of her party are Epic Level.

I'm including the baby in my calculations.

Although I didn't include War's army of dead soldiers from across time. Which puts the odds at, oh, about the same as they were before since they're only fighting Gnolls. Seems like a waste of resources to me. Although Wonder Woman and her party still have to battle The First Born, so it's better to have an army of henchmen to battle the low level monsters that are really just wasting everyone's time and burning resources.

As Hera and Zola try to find somewhere to hide in the middle of the battlefield, I realize I fucked up my calculations because I'd forgotten that Hera was made mortal. But they'll be okay since they have Zeke the Epic Level Infant That Is Probably Zeus to take care of them. But now that War's army is distracting the Gnolls, Wonder Woman and Orion can take care of The First Born.

Orion's opening move is the Superfly Splash.

Let me interrupt the action for a quick recap of the Gods and their Prophecies (filtered somewhat through my horrible memory). Apollo received a prophecy that said a God would kill a God for the Throne of Olympus. But long before that, Zeus had a prophecy that The First Born would take the Throne. So I believe that Zeus gave up the Throne to become his own child leaving a vacuum that could be filled by The First Born. Subsequently, The First Born will end up being the God that is killed by another God thus fulfilling Apollo's prophecy. And then the status quo will return to normal in Olympus and Wonder Woman will be free to date boring shits like Steve Trevor again.

There may have been more details to the Prophecy but it's best not to concentrate too hard on the details of prophecies or else you just end up outwitting yourself and being the catalyst for the prophecy to come true.

Now let's return to the action!

The First Born's finishing move is the Ringside Folding Chair Blindside.

Now that the exhibition match is over, it's time for the title match! I suppose Wonder Woman is going to open up with the "I'll Kick Your Ass" attitude. But that, as always, will die down and she'll try to finish up with her Compassionate Clutch. She'll probably begin to feel sorry for The First Born since he was abandoned by his Daddy, unloved and banished from home. She'll want to hug and comfort him. But since next month's Wonder Woman comic book is The First Born #1, I have a feeling the Compassionate Clutch is going to backfire and The First Born is going to pull out the Figure Fuck You and defeat Wonder Woman on the final page.

Whoa. I sense some serious sibling rivalry here.

Wonder Woman doesn't get a chance to use any moves in the first round. She's out for a long count as The First Born goes after Zeke next. He chokes out Hera and then goes toe to toe with War. As they battle, Diana comes to. She sees that The First Born is about to kill War and take his place as The God of War. Then War vomits blood all over The First Born's face. Probably because Wonder Woman killed him to keep his power from transferring to The First Born.

I suppose that makes Diana Prince the God of War?

Well isn't that a doozy? The most compassionate character in the DC Universe is now also the God of War! I guess it's just a matter of time until Diana is driven to drink like her Uncle. Superman is going to be so pissed when Wonder Woman shows up at the next Justice League meeting sloshed out of her mind.

Superman: "Everybody's here now. We can get things started once we figure out where those empty liquor bottles are and clear them out of here. It's like there's a refinery up my nose!"
Wonder Woman: "Think you're sho cool. You're not cool. Goody two-shoes ish what you are."
Superman: "Excuse me? Are you okay, sweetie pumpkin?"
Batman: "Here's the scoop, Clark! Hot off the presses: she's drunk. Some fucking investigative journalist you are."
Superman: "No! Not my supremely virtuous sugar bosoms! Are you sure it's not Cyborg?"
Cyborg: "Man! I knew you were racist! Bitch."
Wonder Woman: "He's sho rashisht. Totally hatesh Earshlingsh."
The Flash: "Hal is going to be so pissed he missed this."

And after The First Born has taken out all but one of his Epic Level opponents, the Zero Level NPC Baby Bearer finishes him.

Critical hit, bitch! Although it is with an improvised weapon. So she couldn't have done more than D6 Damage, really. Good thing Wonder Woman put him down in the single hit points with her blow.

With the battle over, the little squidgy fellow in the ebony armor and the candlelight helm shows up to escort War down to Hades. But first a mother must say goodbye.

Oh! That's so poetic and touching! ... Wait a second! What is Hera gaining from this?!

Wonder Woman allows The First Born to live as they all head off to ferry War to Hell. But then Apollo shows up with a big batch of up to no good in his eyes.

Wonder Woman #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. With Cliff Chiang at the helm, this book has some of the most beautiful, stylistic art of The New 52. And with Brian Azzarello writing, this series has some of the most well crafted dialogue as well. It's a treat to read and it really does stand somewhat outside of The New 52 which is a really welcome thing at times. Wonder Woman doesn't have to deal with her stupid relationship with Superman over here or the whining, pouting Facebook posts from Steve Trevor hoping she'll take him back. She can just be a compassionate bad ass doing her thing in her own story. I haven't read much Wonder Woman over the years but I have a feeling this is going to go down as one of the best runs of Wonder Woman ever.

Wonder Woman #22

This is where I say something clever and biting about Russia.

This is the first paragraph that people skip because it's just bullshit about my life.

This paragraph gets skimmed to see if I've begun talking about the comic book but eventually gets skipped because I'm expressing my opinions as if they were the only rational and logical way to see things.

This is where I apologize for not having scanned a picture yet.

This is where I say something that isn't very funny but I typed it anyway just to have a caption.

This is where I say something insulting about women in a voice that shows I'm actually making fun of misogyny but is misinterpreted by one Follower who instantly clicks the Unfollow button and flounces away from my blog until Gail Simone reblogs my next Batgirl Commentary and the Follower gives me another chance.

This is where I begin talking about the plot. Wonder Woman is on New Genesis with Zola and Zeke and Hera. This is a rude joke about baby genitals that's actually a clever metaphor for the inherent loneliness of existence. This is where I remind people of something else I wrote.

This is where I point out how disappointed Highfather is that Orion brought foreigners to New Genesis without the proper visas.

This is where I tell a joke that I don't realize I've told five times previously across 1,200 commentaries.

This is where I point out I've never read Jack Kirby's Fourth World stories and all of my knowledge on New Genesis and Apokolips is from second hand sources and the Super Powers cartoon.

This is where I continue talking about the comic book without interrupting myself. Highfather calls Orion a disappointment which is entirely understandable seeing that he's Darkseid's son. Highfather will always love Scott Free more. This is how long it takes for me to begin interrupting myself again when I begin writing about how even Gods have Daddy Issues. This is where I point out that you can tell Highfather is a hard-ass father simply by the clothes he chooses to wear and by his Amish facial hair.

This is where I begin a new paragraph because I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

This is where I say something derogatory about Scott Lobdell's writing.

This is where I begin to wonder if I've done a commentary in this style before. This is where I say, "Fuck it! Nobody's paying for this shit!"

This is where I tell an intensely personal story that may or may not be true because it ties in, somehow, to Orion meditating on the planet beneath New Genesis as he tries to work through his anger issues. This is a joke concerning masturbation as Wonder Woman comes upon Orion beating himself up over his failures.

This is where Wonder Woman shows her true strength.

This is where I wonder if this commentary made even less sense than last issue's Aubrey Plaza commentary.

This is where I finally continue talking about the plot. Highfather decides to let the women go back to Earth. But not with Zeke, the Ender of Omnithing. This is where Wonder Woman gets pissed and begins throwing some fucking truth around but is powerless to stop Orion from taking the baby. This is where Wonder Woman quotes the Terminator.

This is where Orion stands up to his father and makes Highfather proud.

This is where I wonder if I described enough of the plot in this fucked up commentary so that I'm not completely confused when I read Issue #23 next month.

This is where I get back to the plot for the last time as I sum up the last half of the book in less lines than I spent on the first three pages. Orion and Wonder Woman return to find London burning. The First Born has ravaged the city and killed Lennox. Well, he's at least broken old stone Lennox into pieces. This is where I speculate that Lennox can't be finished for good since he needs to spend some time with his daughter, Cassie Sandsmark. The First Born is ready to finish Wonder Woman and Zeke and Orion with a little help from his army of Gnolls when yet another family member arrives: Ares.

This is where I point out that puns don't win Wars. Unless they do. I mean, wouldn't a prescient War know better than I?

Wonder Woman #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is where I point out Cliff Chiang is a genius. This is where I wonder when everybody will find out that Zeke is actually Zeus. This is where I remember that this version of Wonder Woman is basically a cross between Xena and Sandman. This is where I'm done.