Wonder Woman #35

Say goodnight to a well written, well drawn Wonder Woman comic book!

I have no idea whether Meredith Finch can write a good story or not. I'll judge it when I read it (probably quite harshly!). But I do know that David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren't in shadowy corners of the room and who don't have fish lips. He absolutely is a talented artist but only when he seems interested in the page he's drawing. And that interest only seems to extend to teenaged girls.

On an unrelated note, is Wonder Woman #36 being written by a teenaged girl?

But that small bit should be enough about the Finches for now. I'll have plenty of months in the future to disparage their ancestral line and question how many mutations must have occurred in their chromosomes. For now, let us just enjoy the final chapter in Azzarello and Chiang's run of Wonder Woman. You know, the chapter where we find out that Zeke was actually Zeus who was hiding so that the murderous prophecy of deicide could happen while he was safe in the arms of Wonder Woman?

And it appears Zola has become Athena! The "who" is a cute clue!

Poseidon, as usual, puts up a pretty shitty fight. I always feel bad for Poseidon. He wants to be so majestic and grand but he's just Aquaman writ large. He's just a big fish that's always out of his depths. He's fish stick day in the cafeteria when you were hoping for cheese pizza. He's ten thousand forks when all you wanted was rain on your wedding day. In conclusion, he's a loser and he's always been a loser and the greatest thing he ever accomplished was getting some sailor lost at sea for two decades.

The real adversary, The First Born, arrives to stop Zeke from ascending the throne. Too bad he brought his pal, the S&Minotaur, because that guy is probably going to betray The First Born and side with Wonder Woman. She's the only person that ever showed him mercy or love and he probably never forgot that. But before that can happen, more Gods need to die!

Oh, he'll be all right. I'm pretty sure he can't be killed by his Staff of Healing.

Forget about the Minotaur changing sides. Wonder Woman finds it's easier to gut him than hug him this time. Mostly because he killed a bunch of Amazons and he probably shouldn't have done that if he wanted to keep Wonder Woman as his friend. But the gutting doesn't take because Wonder Woman probably was feeling sentimental when she stabbed him. So instead of beating him, Wonder Woman is beaten by him. And The First Born takes out Zola and kidnaps Zeke.

Things aren't going very well for the heroes! Maybe I was rooting for the wrong side this whole time. Is The First Born the real hero? The child ignored and thrown away by callous parents that returns to punish them for their sins?

I don't think the good guy usually throws babies into bottomless pits, so I think I was rooting for the good guys all along.

I think this is the part of the story where everybody begins singing "All You Need Is Love" and The First Born goes running for his life because that song is so Goddamned repetitive!

But before throwing the baby in the pit and ending the prophecy and winning everything forever, The First Born catches a case of the Antagonist's Compulsion. He waits for Wonder Woman to awaken and then calls for her death at the hands of the S&Minotaur before he kills Zeke. Oh, The First Born. I know you've been locked away in a glacier for thousands of years but you could have at least familiarized yourself with the tropes that always cause the bad guy to fuck up in the end!

The beast refuses to kill Wonder Woman?! Who would have guessed?! WHO?

Seeing The First Born kill the creature that she spared so many years ago, Diana remembers that her most powerful weapon after hugs is mercy. She drops her weapons of war and challenges the First Born to a hug fight.

The First Born tosses Zeke and Zola into the pit but Hermes saves them because his Staff of Healing is also a Staff of Teleportation. It's a really powerful artifact! After that, Wonder Woman hugs The First Born really, really tightly with her Magic Lasso. And that's when Zola sets Zeke down on the Throne of Olympus.

Oh Strife. We all knew it! Practically from issue #1!

Here's what I wrote in my commentary on Issue #1:

By the end of the first issue, the oracles give a typically unclear oracle which leaves Apollo with the possible knowledge that maybe something bad might perhaps be going on and it could be Zeus’s fault, maybe? And that maybe Zeus doesn’t exist yet? Possibly because he got Zola pregnant with himself?!

Thank you! Thank you! I don't call myself Grandmaster Comic Book Reader for nothing!

Although I didn't guess that Zola was actually Athena. I did occasionally wonder where Athena was though. And then in Wonder Woman's Secret Origins, it was a bit telling that Athena had finally made an appearance to help Wonder Woman escape from lesbianism. I mean, from Paradise Island.

The First Born is knocked into the Abyss where he was planning on throwing the Last Born (who is the father of them both). Wonder Woman helps toss him in with a last lecture about love which she hopes he'll meditate on for the next seven thousand years instead of feeding the angry wolf. He is just a scorpion after all!

Tossing an old pair of shoes is actually really liberating.

Wonder Woman pleads with Athena to let the vessel which housed her for twenty plus years continue to live. And so, being wise and/or an owl, Athena agrees. And everybody lives happily ever after! If by everybody you ignore The Minotaur and Cassandra and The First Born and Ares and Poseidon and all of the dead Amazons.

Wonder Woman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a heartless, emotionless, uncaring bastard that over intellectualizes everything but this ending may have caused my eyes to water. The best run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! Of course, it's the only run of Wonder Woman I've ever read! I hope the next three years of this comic book are at least tolerable.

Futures End: Swamp Thing #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Look arounds us, sees? Dusty Stretches norf, souf, eas, wes, frowards, backslides, ups, downs. Ain't no 'scapin' nows. Ain't no uses worryin' bouts hows we comeded to it. We's gots boff feets in da dust and it be billowin' ups 'round us, obfuscurrin' everfing. Somedust, when peeps 'cognicize me speech when I be down in dem lower voices, dat duster'll sayem, "Goggs! Goggs! I love your show, Goggs! I don't know if I could make it through each week without it. But, seriously, what...what are we doing? What is this--" and dey'll sweep out dey arms ta take in da corpses and da rats and da filth and da cracks and da dust, oh dat fuckity dust, and continue, "--what is this all for?" And Goggs will say, "Who dis Goggs? What da fuckity ya on about, looper?" And Goggs will continue on 'er way to doin' whatevems she uz up ta. Old Goggs cain't take da chance ta identifies herself downs in the lower voices, gets it? But she cans answer ya questyshin up here in her cozy broadcastin' nest.

What are we doin? We gettin' on mit life, dat's what we doin'. Ya wanna end it, ya end it. If'n ya don'ts wanna end it, ya keep trudgin' frough dat dust. What else cans ya do, feels it? It ain't no differencing den Formertimes. What da fuckity were ya doin' den? Work weeks and foopsballs on da weekends. Forcin' yaself ta make friendies mit da peeps ya stuck wit at yer job. Fillin' up dat safe 'count mit as much koku as possibles fer jess in case ya donna corpse it too youthful. Weren't no point ta life den, ain't no point ta life now. Fings was jess much cleaner in Formertimes. And ya didna spend piles a koku on fuckity masks ta cover upside yer nostrums, ja? Joins a gang or a religy movesment ifn ya cain't figger out yer own meaning. But Goggs sure as hell ain't gonna give ya da meanings of life. Afferdust, Old Goggs is a beliefer in The Secret, so she be gettin' her answers fum some other duster anydust! Although, truff be in da tellin, Goggs mossly likems The Secret cause it bout gettin' merde easy-like, feels me? Writes it on a board, fink dem positron foughts, and whiz-bango! Ya gots what ya wanted! Okay, maybe sumdust it takes a mighty small bit of mighty extremes violence as well. But fuckity, The Goddess never said Old Goggs couldna bust some faces ta make her dreams come truthful. At leastways, not in any a da epersodes Goggs 'members.

Dis week's littyrapture funfun book starrems Swamp Thing and it be called "The Zeugma." Fuckity fuck, wishem Prof were here ta tell me what dat means. Nows Old Goggs gotsta digs up da Oxford and flip pages, ja? Lessee, lessee.

[sounds of pages shuffling for about twenty seconds]

Aha! Here em is: noun. "a figure of speech in which a word applies to two others in different senses or to two others of which it semantically suits only one." I sposes dat haff sumfing ta do mit dis here telltale, ja? Mayhaps it splains how dem Divideds and dem Fungis cans do da same jobs as da rots but in a differenty kinda way? Or mayhappens it just means hows dat Swamp Thing says, nearly lastly, "Tears up or tears it down." Although dat seems more kinship ta a homopun or somefink. Or mayhappers it jess in reference ta da two Swamp Things dat battles Anton. Or possibilitates dat it describes Anton and Abby where dey are boff of dem da Rot but dat onny really applicates ta Anton. Sos dats hows we know Abby survivin' in da ends. Dat pobabaly makems da mos' sense; dat da Anton/Abby creature be da Zuegma. Or maybe Old Goggs jess donna fuckity get it, get it?

Trooff, Swampy Fing. Whatevems.

Dis telltale gives 'way da endin' a dat Futures End pap what been goin' on fer weeks and weeks da las' five round trips. Sees, ta keep da Gods und da Superior-Naturals from interferin' like mit da mortals, deys all make da deal mit da Spectre ta border demselves off from da mortal realms. I spose dat forceded da ovver Gods like Darkseids and Anti-Monitors and Brainsiacs into some kinda closeted off systems ta help end da New Earf/Earf Two war. And now dat be dones wif, Swampy Fing gonna go destroy da Rot onct and for allsatime.

But firsts, Swampy needs help from da ovver realms like da Grey and da Divided and da Metal and da Gray. Acause da Earf cain't exist mitout rot. But fungi and divided do all dat rot business demselves. So what da fuckity is da Rot den? I spose da Rot da superior-natural side of organic matters breakin' down as 'posed ta da scientifical way dat da Fungi and da Bacterium shoulda been takin' care a allatime anydust. But dey been lazy and self-involved or somefin.

Da Gray's somefin were dem lustful temptations.

Who dis chica and what's da Grey wanna mit her? Old Goggs donna know! Perhappens it's Sue Dibny and da Grays ams Ralph! Or permaybe dis heres be Deaf's teenylittle sister? Or possables ain't nobody noduster readin' might recognize nohows. Old Goggs bets da necklery is da clue!

Nex', da Swampy visitem da Red whose Avatar is a fuckity bonger, sees? Dat mus' mean da new avatar ams Brothers Blood. Affer dat, da Swampy visitem da Divided where da Avatar's name is Sarah. Den Swampy visitem da Metal where dat Avatar be makin' an Anti-Monitor costume fer hisself. Unless it jess a Swampy costume acause he gonna haff ta take over dat Green job (or gonna take alla dem realms over!) if'n Swampy dies. Or it jess be a hot dog vendor costume since it got alla dem condiments bottles on da backs a it.

The Zeugma?

Affer dat Swampy bongerslaps Anton und frees his loverly and most probable corpses it as well. Abby might also corpse it. And Anton mos' definite corpses it. And Swamp be a hero and merde.

Dere ya go, ya lower voices what allways up and down lookin' fer da meanin' a tings. Swamp Fing, he doin' what he tinks be rights, no matters what dangers dat puts him afore. Mayhap choosin' ta give it all up and corpse it doin' what ya fink is da right fing ta do be better than squirrel-hidin' in yer holes und safe places jess tryin' eke out da longes' potentials life, ja? Meanin' ta life ain't gots to 'quate ta dangers nohow neitherway, dough. But ya fink hidin' and livin' long better den pursuin' personal goals and desires und corpsin' it early? Mayhappers, mayhappers. But dat ain't not for Old Goggs. Ya all of ya may sees her as a voice jess passin' da judgments from upover da clouds but dats acause dats all she wantin' ya ta see. Dere be a reason she ain't wanna be 'cognicized by dem lower voices. She got plans, ya Mopes. She gotta lotta fuckity plans. And if ya fink ya know what ya hearin' each week, if ya fink Old Goggs is doin' dis merde ta make yer lifes passables, ya fuckity deaf, dumb-dumb, und mole-sighted. Dis here weekly...dis ain'ts fa youse, feels me? Dis for him. Now fuckity off, ya misery wretchers.

Swamp Thing #34

I hope Lady Weeds tattooed her butthole with a flower that smells like poo.

A post popped up on my Tumblr earlier with pictures of that actress on Teen Wolf with the witch eyes and it got me thinking about actors and good looks. My first philosophical foray into the issue was that acting was bullshit and people are just generally cast because of their looks. But that's obviously bullshit because Steve Buscemi. Obviously a lot of attractive people without talent get jobs in the business because directors and producers and casting agents know that people like to masturbate to beautiful people. But I think acting gets its start at a very young age. Much like a kid raised on junk food will eat nothing but junk food as an adult, a kid raised on constant attention and praise because of their good looks needs to maintain a certain level of fawning over their beauty. Now even though I am, myself, a beautiful human being (on the outside), I was raised by a mother who would say things like, "Your cousin Jason is like the son I never had!" So I was raised on a steady stream of bitterness and resentment which is why I need to attack as many successful people as possible on a nearly constant basis to feel normal.

See how that first paragraph began as if it were about something else but I was still able to bring it back around to discuss me? That's because this blog is about me! It's not about comic books at all. Those are just incidental.

What did they do, Cappuccino?! They made a puppet of the Swamp Thing?!

I guess they killed the little tiny Swamp Thing that Swamp Thing made to look over the Green. It's a little bit hard to tell with the lack of Narration Boxes saying, "Cappuccino comes into the room holding the lifeless corpse of Baby Swampie while I lay dying on the floor. Or is it 'lie dying'?" I guess if you look closely, Baby Swampie's left cheek is kind of torn up, probably from where Wolf shoved his cock into him. And since Wolf is a disgusting monstrosity right now, it probably wasn't a pleasant face-fucking at all.

Like that one person born out of the head of the other person (Cher or somebody. I forget), Swamp Thing explodes out of the head of Baby Swampie to answer Cappuccino's call. I sure hope Baby Swampie was already dead before that happened.

Brother Jonah decides he'd rather go back to The Green than die. Must be nice to have that kind of choice! I guess those are better last words than wondering whether to use "lie" or "lay." Although that's still better than dying wondering whether to use "who" or "whom." Which is still better yet than dying not knowing the difference between the Arctic and Antarctica.

Oh Lady Weeds! You get more beautiful with each passing panel!

I was in love with Lady Weeds when she was just a fancy plant lady. But then she became a blood covered naked woman and she became even more precious. Sure, she had that stint where she got a bunch of crappy tattoos all over her body but I loved her for trying to get back to that elegant look she had while living in The Grove. And now she shows no sympathy for a person because they have kids? Can a person's heart take this much yearning? She's the perfect being!

After killing this jerko father of no year ever, Lady Weeds firebombs the plant life around the hospital she hitched a ride to. Then she sets Wolf free to do whatever he's going to do. Fight Swamp Thing? Curb himself? Eat the entire hospital staff?

Meanwhile, Swamp Thing carries Jonah into the Green to become his regent. He'll take the place of Baby Swampie which is too bad because Baby Swampie was my favorite new character of last month! I bet Dan DiDio is behind Baby Swampie's death! Jerko!

I once knew how the story ends but stupid time has taken away all memory of the book! So, really, it doesn't matter, Jonah. You'll only be satisfied for the most fleeting of moments before time pisses it all away.

When I was a teenager, my main concern about dying was that I would never find out how all the stories I was currently reading would end. Books, being on my own timetable, didn't concern me as much as comic books which I had to wait for, dangerous week after dangerous week! Eventually I realized that comic book stories never really fucking end and the characters change by the whims of the writers and it never really mattered that much. But the feeling of not knowing how things will end eventually resurfaced when I created the main motivation for the Galactic Hero Corps' enemy, Global Thermonuclear War Dude. The destruction of everything always seemed like a weird super villain goal. What does that get anybody? Destruction for destruction's sake? Global Thermonuclear War Dude wanted to destroy everything, including himself, simply so that he wouldn't miss out on anything. He wasn't content to just leave the party. The party would have to end if he had to end. All parties would have to end! Forever!

Swamp Thing leaves the Sureen and Cappuccino to fight Wolf at the hospital because the brilliant Lady Weeds planned it that way.

Ugh. Wolf is even more disgusting than when he was a bald man.

Lady Weeds convinces The Sureen that he should help her become the Avatar because she was once an Avatar and The Sureen must help all Avatars. Also, she threatens to stab him in the face, so, you know. Fairly easy choice to make. I suppose her plan is to threaten innocent lives unless Swamp Thing switches bodies. But I think Alec has done enough body switching lately to know that it never does anybody any good. Especially him! And The Green! And the entire world, really.

Lady Weeds doesn't realize that Swamp Thing has learned his lesson about body switching and, it seems, is now willing to let two final innocent people die to keep any more from harm. She also doesn't realize that Wolf has learned to use his new demon vocal cords and that he hasn't lost his hatred of the vulgar.

Although stabbing yourself in the throat seems a bit crass as well.

I would have thought he'd kill Lady Weeds before killing himself but I guess suicide has more art to it than murder. Anyway, it wouldn't fit the story to have Lady Weeds dealt with by Wolf. Only one person in this story gets to fuck up Lady Weeds.

Maybe Lady Weeds can be the New 52 Oracle!

Lady Weeds is punished by being trapped inside a human mind with no power to stab innocent people in the face. But at least she's not dead! Although after last Universe's incident involving a spinal injury, it seems that comic book heroes have a better chance of coming back from the dead than recovering from being paralyzed.

After Wolf is dead and Lady Weeds severely injured, some guy named "A Calculus" comes forward to help Alec with his duties.

Swamp Thing #34 Rating: No change. I'm sad that Lady Weeds has been taken out. But I'm happy because now that Swamp Thing doesn't have to deal with Lady Weeds and Wolf, that means Etrigan can finally show up to battle Swamp Thing for Cappuccino's soul! Etrigan has been sorely missed lately. Although why would Etrigan still care about the deal Jason Blood struck with Cappuccino? Wasn't that just one of Jason Blood's plans to remove Etrigan from his life? And that's already happened, according to that story in Stormwatch where Etrigan came back and possessed some London punk. Anyway, DC Comics needs more Etrigan, no matter who he's shacked up inside.

Wonder Woman #33

I get it! Batman's been around a long time. Now give me my regular covers back! Stupid comic book store making me miss out on a Cliff Chiang cover!

Wonder Woman has been captured by The First Born and taken to Mount Olympus where he can spend some time killing her. But Diana shouldn't be worried because Wesley Willis is on the way to save her! And he kicked Batman's ass, so you know he can take The First Born!

"I was just minding my own business,
Looking at the pigeons eating their pigeon food,
When this guy bumped into me on the street.
He said, 'Watch it, fatty,' which really made me mad.

I said, 'Hey man, that is not cool.'
He said, 'You are a crazy fat homeless fucker.'
I said, 'I will not be spoken to in that tone.'
He said, 'I am The First Born, bitch.'

So I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!
I punched The First Born in the balls!

He fell to the ground moaning in pain.
People began gathering around and talking loudly.
I did not want to be arrested. I did not want to go to jail.
I booked it away as fast as my fat ass could take me.

Love. It's what makes Subaru, a Subaru."

Once again, Orion pisses off the ladies. Hey Orion! You catch more poontang flies with pretending you think women are goddesses honey! Unless the woman actually is a goddess and then you're likely to get your ass kicked for being a lecherous, insincere asshole! Actually, that's likely to happen even if the woman isn't a goddess.

I'm not one of those guys who pretend women are equal just to become ingratiated with them. I know they're exactly like men. I often go up to them in coffee houses and say, "Hey ladies. I like how you have penises just like men. You do, right? Isn't that what's going on down there? I'm not sure it is though because when I wear panties, they fit strangely so I'm beginning to suspect something different about men and women in the pants area. Although women's underwear might fit strangely because putting on a pair makes me sexually excited and it's really hard to stuff an erect penis into a pair of panties." I mean, I used to say that until I became a man and had loads and loads of sexual relationships with women and their penises.

Ahem. Anyway, back on Paradise Island, The First Born's army of gnolls begins its invasion. The gnolls have driven tanks onto the island so it's exactly like every game of Dungeons and Dragons you've ever played in fifth grade with that one kid with the crazy eyes and five older siblings so she knew tons of dirty jokes that you didn't understand at all but laughed at anyway because you didn't want her to think you didn't know anything at all about sex even though it shouldn't have been weird that a ten or eleven year old kid didn't know anything about sex. So during that one game where you had just blown four of Tiamat's heads off with shoulder mounted nuclear missiles while your talking dog cheered you on and she told you that joke about the cop that would let you and your friend and the school bully go if the cumulative length of your three penises measured a certain length and, with only the bully's penis left, you only needed half an inch more for the cop to let you go and the bully showed his penis and it was half an inch and the cop let you all go and then the bully said, "Good thing I was popping a boner," you just pretended that you knew what a boner was and howled with laughter. Although why was a cop looking at kids' junk in the first place? Can you actually get out of tickets if your penis is big enough?

This is the same reaction I always got at the coffee house!

The First Born sends Cassandra and the S&Minotaur down to Paradise Island to fight with his gnolls. But before the S&Minotaur leaves, he glances toward Wonder Woman because he remembers her and her mercy and her compassion. But The First Born doesn't take kindly to the glance.

I know it's probably unprofessional for a writer to change voices in the middle of a written piece, but I want to actually discuss this moment in a more serious tone. So this caption is preparing you for the shift in voice.

The most obvious aspect of this moment is the difference in leadership shown between The First Born and Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman rules with love and compassion and The First Born rules with threats and violence. The other aspect is what I see wrong with the conclusions which some existentialists come to when they realize the universe is a random, uncaring place. Just because nothing we do actually matters to the world or the universe or has any effect on the grand scheme of things, simply because there is "no sentimentality in life," one cannot conclude that what we do as individuals doesn't matter greatly. As soon as we gained the ability to philosophize and rationalize and empathize and view our place within the world, we lost the excuse that we should act as unforgivingly and uncaringly as the rest of the unthinking universe. There may be no sentimentality in nature but there is absolutely sentimentality in human nature. What we do to each other, how we treat each other, matters. With no reward in the afterlife, no grand purpose, no everliving ego, all there is is what we do during our lifetime. If you ruin another person's life, you are ruining their one, single chance at it. You are ruining everything. For some reason, people believe that an afterlife with a promise of a reward or a threat of punishment is the best way to get people to act civilly. But can we not see that isn't the case at all? Life has far less meaning if it's seen as merely a way station to a greater existence. This is where religious folk get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to atheists. We cherish life because we understand it is fleeting. Atheists should be humanists because we understand the criminality of destroying even one life in any way at all. We should be feminists because we believe everybody deserves the same chances at living their lives how they want to live them. We should be good-humored and facetious and easy to laughter and less likely to take offense at things although I'm not sure any of what I just said is truly the case as often as it should be. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt more often than I should because I see in others what is in me. I might offend with my humor or my writings or something I might say but that's all inconsequential to actual life. Disagreeing with another person isn't a bad thing. But forcing a person to change because they disagree with you? That's where I disagree. Or something. Any ladies want to show me their penises now?

God I suck at writing seriously. I'm glad that's over. I'm sweating profusely at that aborted attempt! This is why I like comic books! Because colorful pictures take the edge off serious topics!

See? Colorful images! They must be talking about cotton candy and gummi bearschen!

Diana refuses The First Born's mindbogglingly bad romantic advances (even worse than mine!) so he stabs her in the kidney and heads to Paradise Island to finish the battle. As Wonder Woman begins to bleed out into The First Born's pool of blood, Baby Zeke uses his Zeussy powers to reanimate Hippolyta. Now she's an unbeatable stone statue warrior goddess! Oh, also Orion took an S&Minotaur horn to the abdomen, so he's kind of out of it. And Wesley Willis hasn't saved the day. Heck, he hasn't done anything except appear in a single panel! I thought he was going to be the savior of everyone. I am disappoint.

Wonder Woman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are getting serious! I think. There were so many pretty Cliff Chiang images that things might have also just been a rollicking good fun time party.

Swamp Thing #33

If I could send one type of plant to Hell, it would be those trees that smell like semen. Why does their plant spooge have to smell so similar to human jizz?! Walking outside in Spring and Summer is often like getting a surprise Bukake.

I watched a video review of an issue of Batman on some comic book site too boring to remember, and I have to wonder how those things are so popular? Is it just because they're easy to view? You can sort of half-listen to them while jerking it to porn? Here's the thing: reading the comic book, which is far more entertaining, takes nearly the same amount of time as hearing some jerk tell you about it while abusing the amount of work the word "very" should actually be doing according to Word Union Standards. The person giving the review said this about Snyder and Capullo's Batman and my brain literally metaphorically went inside-out: "It's very, very classical." I suppose even though it's easier for the viewer to find more stuff about Batman if they get to listen to it while doodling pictures of Batman teabagging The Hulk, it's more difficult for the reviewer to blather on and on about the comic book without suddenly depending on the word "very" to do all of the work. I know I should probably be paying "fuck" time and a half on my blog but fuck fuck. Get a real job, you slacker!

I would have watched more reviews because maybe I just listened to one where the reviewer wasn't totally into it. But I had more important things to do like go meet Super Bobcat for dinner so she could start calling me Nothing Bobcat which just sent me into a huge existential crisis. It didn't help that she decided later that I was more of a "loser Bobcat" and that the best way to tell me was to stick her finger in my face and say, "No! You're Loser Bobcat!"

Super Bobcat and Loser Bobcat.

Loser Bobcat needs a haircut! And jeans that fit! It must be nice to be a leafy green plant man that can look like whatever he wants. It must also be nice to be a head in a jar.

Meanwhile in comic books, Swamp Thing has finally had enough of Lady Weeds and her passive-aggression. Probably because her passive-aggressive attitude finally gave way to aggressive-aggression when she stabbed him in the the face with a knife last issue.

He should have asked her if she's going to keep stabbing him in the face.

Swamp Thing continues to be manipulated by Wolf because Alec Holland is too nice. And now that Lady Weeds has proven more dangerous than Swamp Thing realized, Alec will probably trust Wolf even more. I don't know if this was Wolf's plan all along, to turn himself and Lady Weeds into Good Cop/Bad Cop, but he's going to take advantage of it while he can.

Swamp Thing creates a Mini-Swamp Thing to help him keep an eye on The Green and tells his other kids to stay in the house while he checks up on the world. And then he's off like some poetical image I can't bring myself to say because it's trite and cheesy.

Having Lady Weeds attack Swamp Thing was indeed part of Wolf's plan as was nearly everything in the last few months. He's keeping Swamp Thing off-balance by hiring people to fuck with The Green on a nearly constant basis. In the meantime, he plays up the role of trusting adviser. Eventually, the plan is to install Lady Weeds as the Avatar while Wolf becomes the sole tree in the Parliament of Trees. They just need to find a way to defeat a Plant God and a nearly immortal warrior woman and probably Jonah, the laid back ex-avatar monk.

The final part of Wolf's plan is to have Swamp Thing assaulted constantly by demons. Eventually they'd overwhelm Swamp Thing and his body would be theirs. Too bad he hired a bunch of quitters.

He should have hired Twat Lobo!

Since Wolf's overly intricate, time wasting, fuddy duddy plan failed, Lady Weeds decides it's time to change tactics. She's much more violent and direct. What's needed now is a lot of blood and gore! She should hire Original Lobo!

Turning Wolf into some hideous, bloodthirsty monstrosity is another way to go.

Swamp Thing #33 Rating: No change. Not much to say about Swamp Thing by Charles Soule. It's always one of the top five comic books DC puts out each month. It's so good that it takes me out of my whimsical, goofy commenter persona and into my boring, state the facts ma'am, simple explication persona. Maybe that's why the review I watched was so boring! Because it was about a well written comic book and not a total stinker like Catwoman or anything by Lobdell! I'm going to search their site for a review of a comic book I know is shitty so I can have a properly researched opinion on their abilities as reviewers!

Hmm. Nevermind. I couldn't find any reviews of shitty comics. The closest I got was a review on Superman #30 which the reviewer found "quite interesting" a fair number of times. He also gave it a pass if you're not into Superman which is as close as he can probably say to "Scott Lobdell's writing is terrible" without causing their site to lose their seemingly good relationship with DC Comics. I imagine that's why so many reviews are of very, very decent to very, very well written comic books only. You don't want to shit in the mouth of the hand that feeds you! That's why I feed myself. Because I shit in everybody else's mouths far too often to rely on them to feed me.

Swamp Thing Annual #2

Wait. What? I still have an Annual to read?!

So as I was rereading the commentary for Swamp Thing #24, I thought of a topic I wanted to discuss in this commentary. But now it's now and not then, so I've forgotten what that topic was supposed to be.

Time for a speed reading of Swamp Thing Annual #2!

The issue begins with a Narrator judging us for having to eat food. Forgive me for trying to keep my biological processes going! I would love to be a plant as well and just soak up the nutrients as I went about my daily life. It sure would save a lot of time! And money! Shit, if we got our nutrients directly from sunlight, we'd all be free of our corporate overlords! We could walk out on our jobs and shove our middle finger right in the boss's face! Or the boss's secretary's face, if he's in a meeting or something. Sure, there would still be people who would work long hours for large stacks of cash so they could buy luxury items. But just imagine not needing a fucking job at all?! Sun and water is all you need to live? I mean all you need to live without working to grow crops using sun and water. Because, really, sun and water is basically all you need to live now! But you need land too right now and that's a bit harder to come by what with governments and thieving property owners. Why isn't science working on chlorophyll implants? Oh, that's right. Because of what I just said. Because it would free us all from the shackles of capitalist work ethics.

The good old days is right! But then those fucking herbivores came along and had to shit on the Goddamned party. Literally! Those things shit everywhere!

Look at the pure bliss on that guy's face as he just soaks up the sun! So beautiful! Unless that look is because he's releasing pollen spores. Gross!

The plant's defense against the herbivore invasion was not to propagate in huge numbers, or to become poisonous, or to shift all of their energy into delicious little hanging sacks of sugar to distract the greedy, stupid plant eaters, as you might have guessed. No, the plant's defense was to kidnap one of the eaters and turn it into a meat/plant hybrid to protect them. That makes sense. We used that defense in junior high! Instead of hanging out with more and more nerds so we were less likely to be the one picked on by a bully, we showed the bully how to play Dungeons and Dragons and got him to join us! Or did we just dream of doing that? I can't remember due to all of the concussions from banging my head against porcelain during the twice-daily swirlies.

Eventually man reared his handsome, lovely locked head and the Green shit itself. That's when they created The Parliament of Trees so that they would have a reservoir of wisdom to combat the intelligence of mankind. Probably also the brutality. And the selfishness.

This must be The Seeder's Patron in the Parliament of Trees. He's quite the refined vegetable.

Except it's not. Not the patron of The Seeder, that is. He's still quite refined. It looks like the patron of Alec Holland. I should have known better. The Seeder's patron is probably a Venus Fly Trap with eight penises. I don't know why a plant needs penises but that's the picture that popped into my head. Stupid brain doesn't know anything about biology.

The patron's name was The Wolf and he must have been the Avatar of 1920s New York. Or maybe 1790s Philadelphia. Perhaps 1630s London? Apparently my brain doesn't know anything about historical decor either! Maybe if I knew what year Grape Earrings were in, I'd have a better guess. Stupid fucking brain! Stop playing so much Call of Duty and get thee to a library!

Benjamin Franklin was an Avatar?

The Wolf is giving Alec a tour of the Parliament of Trees before the big duel with The Seeder. He's also, I guess, going to give him some training. The Parliament members sure look different deep inside The Green then they do as skinny little saplings in the swamps of Louisiana.

The Wolf sends Alec on alone to attain wisdom from Lady Weeds. The Wolf is afraid of her because she is a lady. Or maybe because she's a weed. When Swamp Thing stumbles upon her, she, as The Wolf did, points out how shitty he's been as an Avatar even though he's full of potential. They acknowledge he could be a great Avatar but they love to point out how often he's nearly failed as well. Alec really needs to point out how he saved their fucking asses and gave them a nice, new swampy home to live in. If I were Alec, when I got back home, I'd build a nice dark shed around the Parliament of Trees and make them work for their daily dose of sunlight. Fuck these bastards.

Never mind what I just said. I'm quite partial to Lady Weeds. *swoon*

There's a historical precedent for the Swamp Thing always almost dying, isn't there? Hasn't the Swamp Thing always taken severe amounts of damage to its person without much consequence and so he sometimes finds himself striding into situations where the damage actually hurts him and he almost dies? A little bit of overconfidence although it's not unwarranted. He gets arms ripped off, holes blasted through him, burnt to cinders...and none of that ever fazes him. So maybe he does like nearly dying because at least it makes him feel alive.

What was I just saying?

Lady Weeds fucks up Swamp Thing's shit to prove a point. He was warned she was dangerous. He went in ready to fight. But then when she appeared as a Dandelion, he got all soft and hesitant. Which is when she pounced and exploded him into salad confetti. Lady Weeds takes her proper form which seems to be a woman from the Victorian Era. You know the time? When they wore their hair like a jellyfish made of dreaded broccoli stalks. Dreaded like as in hair and not as in feared! Maybe that's not quite Victorian. But she has gloves and a corset! I think that's probably Victorian! She's also into pain and violence which was the favorite hobby in the movers of upper class salons of the era.

Lady Weeds teaches Swamp Thing another trick, one that I've been yelling at his stupid face for about twenty four issues now: stop thinking of yourself as a human!

I would gone with Leaves of Grass but then I'm not as violent-minded as Lady Weeds.

Lady Weeds tells Swamp Thing a story about when she was Avatar in 1845 in Ireland. Oh! That makes sense. She does look a bit like an Irish waif. Unless waif doesn't mean prostitute. That's probably why she has dreadlocks too! Because people often sound Jamaican when they're trying to do an Irish accent.

Except it was her rival that was from Ireland which is why Lady Weeds introduced the fungus that destroyed the potato crops. Creating the plague on the potatoes caused the Parliament at the time to stop challenging her for some reason. I guess it made them all happy that she took out her anger on The Red's smartest monkeys.

Oh yeah, see? I should probably stop thinking about the comic book and just read ahead so the comic book tells me the things I come up with anyway. It'd be quicker and easier!

After Swamp Thing leaves Lady Weeds, he and The Wolf pass The Seeder on his way to see Lady Weeds himself. His patron seems to be an 18th Century British Naval Officer and an emaciated version of Alec Holland's Swamp Thing. Maybe it's a fashion model. So The Seeder is getting some lessons as well. But The Wolf assures Alec that the next person Alec meets, The Seeder will not be able to. I suppose if this next person doesn't kill Alec, it's an advantage.

I knew Alec wasn't going to learn that thing about babies because he never visited me.

The next Avatar Alec meets is his predecessor, Fake Alec Holland Swamp Thing. It's the one that was supposed to be Alec but The Parliament of Trees got to Alec too late and he died. So they gave this Avatar the memories of Alec and it ran around thinking it had once been human. But then The New 52 happened and Alec Holland was brought back to life and The Parliament of Trees had another chance to nab him up and use him for their own ends. This non-human Swamp Thing, the one with no humanity at all, gives Alec the most human advice. And it's my favorite moment in a comic book that so far has been filled with favorite moments.

If only everyone would learn this fucking lesson already.

And that's it. Alec Holland is now ready to battle The Seeder!

Swamp Thing Annual #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. I usually don't change a comic book's rankings for an annual but since none of the rules in my life are written in stone, I'm giving Swamp Thing a boost for this issue. This issue was charming and other words I wanted to use to describe it that have fled from my mind. I really love Charles Soule take on this character. And the characters he's created to be members of the Parliament? I love them all and I can't wait to meet the rest!

First Born #1

First Born is a DC rip-off of Marvel characters Rhino, Wolverine, and Morpheus combined into one creature. It's totally obvious because DC can't think of anything original ever. Just look at Jimmy Olsen! Total Peter Parker rip.

Recently I've made some comments about how stupid the phrase "Be careful what you wish for" is because I felt it was challenging the grandeur of dreams come true. But now I know the true meaning of that phrase, for I have often wished that I had more more time to read comic books and I suddenly find that to be true. At least, as I sit here and stare at the quiet desperate doppleganger staring at me from across the room, I certainly have more of me within the confines of the normal amount of time. As yet I am unsure as to its purpose but I will leave you with this warning before I begin reading First Born #1: light your house brightly, readers. Beware the darkened corners for you never know which are birthing strange, ineffectual, staring creatures intent on usurping your life. For now the beast merely sits and breathes and waits. I have given it some comic books and a glass of sake but, for now, it remains unmoving.

The issue begins with Apollo consulting the Oracle about his brother, First Born.

This image reminds me of the panel from the first issue of Wonder Woman in which I got my first header!

Oh the bitter pang of nostalgia! Such a simpler time when walking away from this project still remained within the reach of my innocent grasp.

Apollo needs to know if First Born is a threat to him since Apollo just recently took the Throne of Olympus for his own. And his nipple deep in prophecies about babies killing kings. It's got him a bit shaken, to say words that you probably understand. One of those prophecies was about Zola's baby killing the ruler of Olympus. And First Born's prophecy was that he'd rule Olympus alone. So it's totally obvious what's going to happen. Apollo will either abdicate and let First Born rule, or First Born will defeat Apollo and take the throne for himself. That will fulfill the first prophecy. After that happens, Zola's baby will grow up, revealing himself to be Zeus's child, Zeus, and he'll fulfill the second prophecy where he kills the ruler of Olympus (First Born!) and takes back the throne.

So you see, Zeus has neatly managed a successful end-around around the prophecies. As they say, if you can't kill the new born when a witch tells you it's going to kill you, join him.

First Born was left in the wild to die but was raised by Hyenas. As he grew, he mated with the Hyenas and created Gnolls. So that's how he became a great naked Gnoll Leader. I don't think there's anything more to learn! Oh, except how he wound up under the ice in Antarctica. But does that really matter? Or am I just reading another book that's killing time due to DC's decision to do a Villains Month?

Just look at how clever Zeus is. What a master manipulator and avoider of prophecies!

And one last prophetic vision from the 100 Bullets oracles: a war will consume both Apollo and First Born, leaving one standing and one fallen. And Wonder Woman will be there too. And naked!

First Born #1: I heard it groan before it ever moved. A sound filled with unloved moments and desperate heartache, countless rejections and thousands of harsh words. And as it shifted slightly, it's head lolling over its shoulder, its gaze fixing on the stack of comics I set beside it, I felt my first true terror. Shock and recognition had dulled my innate instinct telling me to run. I now know that was a mistake. But, as of yet, I do not know what it will cost me.

Arcane #1

This is my favorite Lenticular cover so far. Especially because you can see down his throat and his tongue waggles.

Since Marguerite Bennett got to take control of Lobo for this Villains Month, I thought I'd ask her a question on Twitter. It went like this:

Grunion Guy: "Since you wrote Lobo #1, do you know if DC has any plans for Sheba, the last female Czarnian created by Liefeld?"
Marguerite Bennett: "I'm afraid I don't know!"
Grunion Guy: "Thanks! I can read between the lines. Time to go to press with 'Bennet says DC Banking on Success of Sheba in 2014!'"

You heard it here first, folks! Look for a Sheba ongoing series in the Seventh Wave along with a Sheba mini-series, Sheba action figure, Sheba bedsheets, and a Sheba movie in 2016! I can't fucking wait. I hope they can get Liefeld back to write the script for the Sheba movie.

Do you think any of the editors at DC even remember Sheba? God I fucking hope so.

That had nothing to do with Arcane but I'm sure I can bring back around at some point!

The issue begins with Anton Arcane in hell. Which is a perfect place to start because that's where he was left at the end of the 1985 Who's Who Entry! And I also can't quite remember what happened to him in the Swamp Thing run. Didn't the Parliament of Rot Decay decide he was shit as their avatar and dumped his ass? Oh remembering things! Apparently I'm wasting all of my read only memory on Sheba and Scott Lobdell's forgotten plot threads.

I've experienced my own particular Hell as well!

My hell was the parking lot of a strip club in San Jose, California. I was wearing my Neil Gaiman's Death t-shirt (the one that was half black and half white) while staring at reflected in the window of a truck while it was also reflected in the side mirror. A truck full of hooting rednecks kept circling the parking lot, over and over and over and, well, over. I realized I was not who I thought I was. The trip I was going to take to China was imagined. My road trip in a Volkswagen Bus across the United States: never going to happen. My life was this parking lot and this reflected image and this truck of drunk assholes, replaying on an infinite loop. Also, Jupiter was following me. I wouldn't say it was a bad Hell. But it was the infinite loops and regressions that seemed a bit overwhelming. And having a planet watching your every movement is a bit disconcerting. It was during this trip to Hell that I invented comic books though. I thought, "Words and pictures? Damn. That could be used to tell great stories."

I should probably postpreface this story by saying I was on mushrooms.

Arcane is driven to kill himself over and over again since nothing in his Hell rots and it's making him a bit mad. Both crazy and pissed. Not drunk pissed but mad pissed! Not crazy pissed but angry pissed! I should probably choose to keep to American English or British English and stop frolicking in both of their playgrounds. But since I don't really know enough British English (I only recently learned they call underwear "pants." And I love it. Do I love it because it's new? Or do I love it because I'm fetishizing their culture and treating them like little monkeys that do the cutest and most adorable things? Probably that one), I guess I'd have to stick to stupid American English if I did. Which I won't do! So instead I'll use idioms and expressions I only really half understand so that I can sound cute and adorable like a British monkey-person. Except to those self-same British Monkey-persons who will just think I sound like an idiot. But what do they know! We kicked their asses (with the help of the French and German and a great big wide ocean) over two hundred years ago and that settled the matter once and for all! Am I right? Sure, they tried to get us back by sending those Beatles over here and showing us what real power is. Actually, I think that wasn't their idea either! The Beatles just didn't want to pay taxes so they came to America where rich people get to do whatever they want! You think you can force a rich American to do something? Well fuck you! He'll just dress up in a racist outfit and dump your tea in the fucking ocean, motherfucker! Take that!

Sometimes when I'm typing away, I just feel like an out-of-control child that just drank a can of Mountain Dew. "I'm going to touch everything in the house ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Here's a picture of Arcane in Hell to help me get back on track.

Abigail appears and I realize she's the Narrator which caused me to go back to the start and begin again with that knowledge in mind. Which made me get to this panel which I must have glossed over the first time.

It gave me goosebumps this second time. Big, evil, monster Anton Arcane whispering, desperately, "Please." Charles Soule, I look forward to every book you write.

Abigail is visiting Anton Arcane to learn about her mother. It's always these connections to family that get people into trouble. It's a strange thing, this need to know a person that you've never met. Since you've never met them, you shouldn't have any attachments to them, any need to know about them. Is it the influence of society that creates this longing for a false bond? I'm sure many people believe there is some innate need or love that exists between mother and child. But in reality, a child separated from their mother at birth and presented with a society that has no notion of motherhood would never long for something it doesn't know existed. But if you tell this child about how it was born and that the mother/child bond is special, it will begin to long for this bond it never had. What is the word for nostalgia for something that you see others have? What is the longing for a past that you see others have experienced, and therefore a need to recreate what you feel was missing? If only society could stop telling people that they're incomplete by presenting a picture of "normalcy" that isn't fucking normal. There's a reason why the word "individual" exists. Because we are all one. Otherwise the word we would be using would be "Borg."

Except when I turn the page, I see Abigail actually has four memories of her mother. So forget that last rant. Copy and paste it somewhere where it would be more apt.

He wants a taste of the Rot, you perv.

Arcane begins his story about Abigail's mother by telling a story about himself and how he ate a decaying, maggot-filled rabbit that he found in the forest when he was twelve. Remember all that stuff I said about not telling people they aren't normal? Forget it! This kid ain't normal! Although what do I know? Maggot-filled putrefying rabbit might be a delicious entree that I'm missing out on because my stupid upbringing has told me that it's disgusting! I'm so angry right now! What if Maggot-filled Putrefied Rabbit tastes delicious? It might be my favorite dish but nobody has ever allowed me to eat it! I wonder if I can find a recipe online?

MAGGOT-FILLED PUTREFIED RABBIT

INGREDIENTS
1 Carrot
1 Shovel
1 Rabbit

DIRECTIONS:
1. Buy a rabbit at the pet store. Don't look at it too much because you will fall in love with it.
2. Find a secluded spot in the backyard that is safe from dogs and stray cats. Bring the rabbit, the carrot, and the shovel.
3. Put the carrot on the ground.
4. Put the rabbit by the carrot.
5. Hit the rabbit really hard with the shovel. You might have to hit it two or three times.
6. Leave for two weeks.
7. Enjoy!

Om nom nom nom!

Anton continues with his story about how he became the Avatar, he fought female Swamp Thing, he murdered people, and then decided maybe he could make things Rotten without killing him! And that's where Abigail's mother Ilse comes into the picture. Finally.

Not finally like I was bored with the comic book! But finally in that Abigail wanted to hear about her mother and it took Anton a really long, roundabout way to get there. But that's how evil villains tell stories! They just love to hear themselves talk.

Anton decided to perform experimentations on Ilse (read this if you have a problem with "experimentations!") to see if he could pass The Rot on to her without killing her. His first touch was successful, so he kept at it. This was when Ilse sent Abigail away to her sister in France.

Oh are you kidding me? So this part of the story still wasn't about her mother? This must be the part where the Villain is just killing time to come up with an escape plan! Well, at least we have the origin story for The Patchwork Woman whenever she appears.

The story of Abigail's mother consists of one panel about how babies touch things and how Abigail filled her mother with The Rot. This same panel was shown previously but I don't remember the exact context. I think Abigail learned it in The Rotworld timeline, so she had no recollection of it. But now she knows! Now she remembers! Although it could be a lie. That's the problem with asking evil demon people for truthful answers. Why would you fucking trust anything they say?

Abigail gets angry and flounces out of Anton's Hell. But Anton pulls out one of his eyes and tosses it through Abigail's portal as she leaves. Anton's eye escapes into the real world and now will...um, look at stuff? Blink? I don't think it will take over. It's just an eye! I suppose it will take awhile but will eventually regenerate into a full-sized version of Anton Arcane. But does that mean he'll be the same consciousness but in two bodies? Or will he now be two separate Antons?

Arcane #1 Rating: Another good one-shot character study that helps flesh out a high profile nemesis of a New 52 superhero. It also gave some background to Abigail and an origin for The Patchwork Woman which was nice. Almost like having three Villains Month stories in one! And Charles Soule just keeps proving he can write a good comic book script. I just hope DC doesn't drive him away!

The Flash Annual #2

I'm finally getting around to reading this!

My next regularly scheduled issue is The Flash #23, so I figured I'd better work through the Annual really quickly and sloppily.

I know it exposes my lack of culture and sophistication and intellectual whatnot but I'm with Hal. Jazz is poo.

I don't know if my dislike for jazz makes me a cultural buffoon or the fact that I called it "poo" does, but I'm sure all y'all jazz fans would agree either way. I get the feeling people who enjoy ordered, well-organized life find something thrilling in jazz that us "fly by the seat of our pants" types, as Barry just said, simply find it annoying. Maybe it's just me. But I also suspect that there is a large amount of intellectual and cultural cache in the appreciation of jazz whether one actually likes it or not. Anyway, I can't believe I agree with Hal on something!

A few panels later, Barry and Hal have been teleported to Arena World where a race of squid-headed monstrosities (yes, that's my bias showing!) weirdly speak civilly to them instead of spraying ink out of their anuses and into the heroes' eyes. Apparently Hal made some kind of deal with the aliens years ago which Barry was not aware of. Par for the touchdown, as they say in the sportingses.

What all of this craziness amounts to is it's time for a Barry Allen flashback to when he and Hal first met and battled talking monkeys! I think. Isn't that how they were said to have met way back in an early issue of Justice League?

Kids were disappearing from group homes and, for some reason, Barry cared about it enough to try and stop it. It turns out Hal did as well. What are these guys? Children lovers? Ugh! The world could do without them!

Is this the first modern conflict between two super heroes! Historical!

Before the two guys actually throw a punch, a strange light appears in the building and the kids disappear. Green Lantern flies up and into a portal while Barry turns into The Flash and runs through just in time to learn about space aliens!

Hee hee. What a dumbass.

After the first batch of kids are saved, Hal Jordan reveals his identity to The Flash so that The Flash doesn't feel so badly. In these early days, secret identities didn't mean much, did they? Over there in the early issues of Justice League, Batman just comes right out and tells Green Lantern that he's Bruce Wayne. Man, what the fuck was that about? Did they edit that in the Trades? Because my mind is still reeling from that moment. Batman just giving it up like it was nothing! Of course, he also seems to have told The Joker who he was too. Maybe he secretly wants everybody to know the truth so he can win a Nobel Peace Prize. Although maybe they don't give out peace prizes if you've put 25% of the population of the city in the emergency room at some time or another.

The Flash and Green Lantern rescue all but three of the children. And then Barry makes them cry with his insensitive remarks.

They're orphans, dick. They don't have homes!

That was a joke, you humorless twats. Besides, they're not real children. They're just colored ink on paper. They're not really sad nor are they happy nor are they scared. So if you'd like to argue that they do indeed have a home and a family and that the other children are their family and the group home is their home, go right the fuck ahead because what the fuck do I care? They're just fictional children.

When Hal and Barry realize the final three children are on Arena World, Hal comes up with the probably the worst strategy ever considering their super powers. He decides that he, Green Lantern, will do "fast" and The Flash will do "safety." Hah! Batman would piss his pants with laughter! The most horrible use of resources ever!

Over on Arena World, the Squidlies are trying to convince one of their competitors that humans are well worth training because they're truly something special and can really rise to greatness. And then they see Hal Jordan, a human Green Lantern.

Way to stick by your ideals, assholes.

I suppose after Barry and Hal take all the kids back to Earth, Hal probably makes a deal with the Squidlies to fight their battle for them to save their inky race or something. I'm sure there's some noble reason in there somewhere.

Once the Squidlies see Hal and Barry fight, they put a stop to it and give back the last kids. Barry takes them back to Earth while Hal Jordan signs a horrible contract with the aliens.

So less like a wrestling Battle Royal and more like a Japanese movie Battle Royale.

The Flash and Green Lantern wind up being the last two standing. Does that mean they killed some of them? Or did they just let the other aliens kill each other? Is the difference just a matter of semantics? Perhaps Barry and Hal are okay with killing aliens if they aren't too humanoid looking? Anyway, they're the last two standing which means they're one too many. Hal is incapacitated to leave Barry alone to fight the champion. But for some reason, Barry's powers are fading while on Arena World. Is that because he needs to refuel at Cinnabon every few hours?

Oh, I guess this far into space, he begins to lose his connection to the Speed Force. Does that mean there is a Speed Force for every planet? Or is it just a strange anomaly built into the Earth?

As his power is fading, Hal Jordan suddenly remembers the cover of the comic book and gives his ring to Barry to wear. And thanks to Barry's Speed Mind power, he's able to quickly learn the workings of the ring and utilize it with great efficiency.

And extreme hilarity!

I don't know. Do you really need the universe's greatest weapon to tell you to attack the crotch? If aliens ever land on our planet and they're humanoid shaped and aggressive, I know where I'd first try kicking them. And I don't have a cosmic ring to advise me!

And then Barry and Hal go off to celebrate over some space beer and a back-up story!

The Flash Annual #2 Rating: Green Lanternificent! It was also nice to read something (the back-up story) without vomiting my opinion throughout. I should try that more often!