Constantine #18

I can't believe Constantine won't be allowed to smoke in his new show on NBC. I bet he doesn't get to say "cunt" either. Lame.

I should probably wait to do this commentary after Constantine airs this Friday but it was next in my stack and who am I to argue with The Stack? Somebody probably organized these comic books to be read in the most entertaining order. Or somebody just pulled them out of a paper sack and shoved them in a drawer. Who can remember what somebody was thinking two weeks ago?

I always think of my past self as some other person. It makes it easier to deny responsibility for all of those horrible things I did as a teenager.

I bet if I had psoriasis, I'd never get anything done. The skin under my sideburns is patchy and flaky right now and I just spent the last fifteen minutes carefully picking flakes out of my sideburn and carefully examining each one's size and texture. Nothing compares to the feeling of slowly pulling a flake of skin from one's scalp (or cheek or whatever!), being careful so it doesn't break apart as you drag it through your hair, admiring it's size, and then, if it's big and beautiful, weirdly keeping it on the windowsill near your shaving mirror for months. That may or may not have been a favorite hobby of mine in junior high.

That previous paragraph was all just speculative fiction for your enjoyment. I never really did any of that! Ha! Ha ha! Heh heh. Yeah.

Last issue, Constantine was propelled into the future by Dr. Occult, losing his Foghorn Leghorn sword in the process. But he wasn't just blasted forward in time! He was knocked across universes as well. He arrives on Earth-2 on his doppelganger's birthday where he meets up with Wonton.

Sorry! Sorry! Geez. Wotan. He meets up with Wotan.

Since John is now on Earth-2, I have to think up a nickname for the Twofer version of himself. How about...Johnny Constantwin?

Johnny Constantwin is hanging out with his Vertigo friends and his wife. And none of them are dead! This world is too weird for me. I hope John gets back to Old Standby Earth soon.

Wotan just wants to use Constantine as a ferry to Old Standby Earth where he'll be the most powerful mage ever! After all the other ones that John doesn't tell him live there. You know which ones I'm talking about! Like Zatara! Or that other one!

While John battles Wotan, Johnny Constantwin feels the fight. It's like he's a Corsican Constantwin.

Eventually, I'm sure, Constantine uses some humble street magician's trick to win the day and then he returns home with Doctor Fate's helmet for some reason. I probably shouldn't trust the cover! This could be one of those Silver Age covers where the cover made the story look way more exciting to an eight year old kid with a dime burning a hole in his pocket. Or her pocket if the cover was a Night Nurse Romance comic book!

I can't resist translating the Runespeak whenever it appears. I don't even have to check my cheat sheet anymore. The main thing I've learned from translating Runespeak? You should never bother translating the Runespeak.

I'll translate the Runespeak in the above panels for all you students that were always told you were wasting your potential but always knew, deep in your heart, that was a lie and, if anything, you were exceeding your potential in the hopes that one of your parents would notice and throw a praise or two in your direction.

In the first panel, Wotan says, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Constantine replies, "Their like it's better than mine." That's exactly what he said so don't tell me I'm an idiot! Don't shoot the translator! In the second panel, Wotan says, "Anything you can do I can do better." And then little Johnny Howard says, "I can do anything better than you." In the third panel, Wotan says, "What's the guys name on first base?" And John replies, "What's the guy on second, who is on first!" They're such cut ups!

That's my fair warning to resist translating DC's Runespeak. It's nearly always bullshit that pulls you right out of the story. Occasionally the letter will take the instructions literally like in the most recent issue of Action Comics where Superman speaks Krypton and his Kryptonese says, "Three Kryptonian Words." Once, the letters were written backwards and it was a secret message to the letterer's fuck buddy.

Wotan uses Constantine as a portal but since two Constantines currently exist on Earth-2, Wotan is ripped in half and dies forever, never to be seen in The New 52 ever again. I might be exaggerating.

Now Constantine needs to find Constantwin so they can safely devise a spell to get Constantine back to Old Standby Earth.

Constantine #18 Rating: No change. I've got bigger problems right now than caring if Constantine is as good as it used to be. I don't think my cat Judas has much more time left in him. I can't even read one comic book without having to help him with something or clean him up or help him eat or help him drink or make him purr for a half an hour with chin scratches. Maybe for my next commentary, it'll just read, "Batman acts condescending and self-righteous. The end."

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!

Klarion #1

Fuck.

This might be my secret origin. It was bad enough that I had to read Ann Nocenti while writing a character I never cared about, Green Arrow. When DC saw just how awful her Green Arrow stories were, they thought, "Gee! Maybe we can get Ann to ruin Catwoman as well!" And Catwoman fans spent the next two years learning how to shoot heroin because something had to dull the pain. Meanwhile, I sat by and laughed and laughed and poked fun at the horrible plots and crazy characterizations of other people's favorite comic book characters. I sat back and I pointed and I laughed and I pretended to feel sorry for Catwoman fans but I was having so much fun commenting on Ann Nocenti's strange turns of phrase and inexplicable characters that I never gave a thought to the ruin Nocenti was bringing down upon the Green Arrow and Catwoman fandoms. And then I heard Nocenti was going to be writing Katana. That's when I stopped laughing. Not Katana! She had finally extricated herself from that bowel movement that was Swierczynski's Birds of Prey and I was full of hope about her future! One of my favorite characters since I first began reading comic books was suddenly under attack! Maybe I shouldn't have laughed so hard at other people's misfortunes, I thought, uncharacteristically, to myself. Perhaps I should have empathized with their pain and took action to stop this insufferable writer from ruining everybody's good time! But I did not. And so I suffered as the others suffered. Thankfully, Ann Nocenti's Katana did not last long and she went back to exclusively destroying Catwo-man. It was sad but everybody was numb to that travesty by this time (thanks, in large part, to the heroin). And then good news! Catwoman was getting a new creative team! The internet shook with the sighs of the relieved. Rehab centers overflowed as Catwoman fans rushed to get off the dope so that they could experience the new Catwoman with their full ability to feel! Celebrations were celebrated! DC Comics was free of Ann Nocenti!

Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot's! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti worked her terrible black magic on other people's favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly." The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.

I was devastated. I was ripped asunder. Okay, okay. It wasn't like she was actually writing Etrigan which would have been just slightly worse. But Klarion?! And Teekl?! She'll probably turn Teekl into some kind of iPad! And if she's writing Klarion, doesn't that mean she'll eventually wind up bringing Etrigan into one of her plots? Was I going to have to endure rhyming dialogue by Ann Nocenti?! I ran to my comic book collection, tears of rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, and I hugged my collection of Klarion comic books.

I may or may not have ruined the value of this issue with untoward stains.

And so, my secret origin begins. I must take up a new name, disguise myself in a gaudy costume, and defend DC Comics from the most despicable evil to ever put pen to paper. I shall do what I've been doing! Only more so! I shall become Super Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, hero of fandoms! Or, at the very least, defender of my own fandoms. With sharp words and indefensible turns of phrase, I shall drive Nocenti from the stewardship of Klarion the Witchboy! She shall flee screaming into the night, my words haunting her dreams until she finally lies down and dreams no more.

I should apologize in advance to the fandom of the character that she winds up writing next. Please don't let it be Black Lightning or Metamorpho or Halo!

An infinity of choice but Klarion is really just considering a few places on Earth. Because it's super special, I'm sure. The only place in the multiverse where people feel love or something.

You know, it's possible I might like this comic book, right? All things are possible in comic book Jesus Christ! RAAWWWRRR!

Klarion thinks back to why he's on this cosmic magical road trip with a kitty cat in his bindle. Turns out he cast a spell on one of his magic teachers and then skipped out on Witchworld. The reason he blasted his teacher was because the teacher told him that if his fingers weren't in the proper positions when casting a spell, the spell could go horribly awry. And to teach Klarion a lesson, the teacher smashed Klarion's hands with a ruler, thus ensuring that Klarion will have no ability to keep his fingers in the correct positions. That teacher deserved to get disintegrated by Klarion.

Klarion hitches a ride to Earth by a demon that says, "Meh." So he's an asshole. He also drives a big American muscle car. So, you know, asshole. Not that American muscle cars don't look great! And they're fun to drive if you've ever wanted to drive a boat really quickly on dry land. Not quite as boatlike an experience as driving a big old Oldsmobile or Buick but more speed boaty! You bounce off speed bumps just like bouncing off the wake! Anyway, Klarion hitches a ride to Earth where he's going to live out his runaway dreams away from Witchworld which is a world full of phoneys! So he's a modern day Holden Caulfield. Probably. Maybe. I'm just projecting that onto him because I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing and I can't stand The Catcher in the Rye.

From this conversation, I can't tell which one was thinking the other one was going to blow him.

The "meh" demon introduces himself as Beelzebub the barber. He might not actually be a barber. He offers to shave Klarion because that's weird. He gives Klarion his card when Klarion tells him he doesn't shave and says, "You will."

This is all sexual tension, right?

Yep. Sexual tension. Vroom vroomity vroom vroom vroom!

Hey! Remember when Selina Kyle said somebody stank like burnt rubber? Maybe she was talking about her suit. It was something! I think Ann Nocenti has a neurological problem that causes her to continuously smell burning rubber.

Klarion saves some kid from being beaten up by two other kids. He remarks that his world was like that too. Big guys always beating up little guys. I can see Nocenti is tackling some huge issues here! Jerks should stop being jerks! At least Klarion knows how to scare off bullies!

I don't know what just happened there but it worked! Look at them run!

I guess turning blue and making something you're holding glow while staring up at a damsel in a tower is just about the scariest thing a couple of bullies can witness. Isn't this how the bullies were defeated in A Christmas Story?

The kid that just got his ass beat's main concern is that nobody saw him get his ass beat. But Klarion tells him that "just a cute girl in the window" saw and the guy is all, "Oh shit! Zell ain't never gonna touch my penis now!" Cause he knows that women only like penises that are attached to guys that can defend them. Or guys that at least excel in some superior fashion while they're watching. Maybe this guy is a master of falling into the fetal position and covering up his tender bits. She might have swooned over that.

The boy Klarion saved is named Rasp and he's a witch too. His big goal is to become stronger! And for his first feat of mystic strength, he's going to change up the playlist on the "heavy metal tech band" featuring the guys that just kicked his ass. Although he thinks the band is pretty good so he probably won't fuck with them too much. He might even let them finish the ass kicking later because they're the tops.

Rasp asks Klarion to move in with him at a place called The Moody Museum. Eww! That Moody Museum! Always stealing all the new recruits so that The Necropolitan Club doesn't have any fresh blood! Well, that's going to change because Necrot's buddy has a plan that can't fail!

Seriously, Necrot? That's the memory that's at the tip of your tongue and always on your mind? Fucking loser.

I guess the story is all set up now? Klarion has fallen into the middle of a witch rivalry between some old Gothic place full of magic witches versus a bunch of loser asshole technomancers that are trying to fill their ranks with even bigger losers? Why aren't they trying to recruit the kid that can turn blue and make street signs glow? Oh yeah. Because The Necropolitan Club is full of members that are limited by the humiliating moments in their lives.

Rasp also told Klarion he could crash at The Moody Museum in his room but I understand why Klarion wouldn't want to be associated with that failure.

So Klarion has now run away from the excitement of Witchworld and now has an apartment and a job as a chef on Earth. Oh god, this is so fucking exciting.

Teekl has died and been stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde. Whee.

So how else is he supposed to announce his presence when your back is to the door, you stupid cunt. Sorry! Sorry! I should really watch my language. I'm just really upset over Teekl.

Later Klarion learns, from his new landlord, that the first rule of magic is "don't hurt anyone. Not even a bird." Well why bother learning magic then? After learning this important lesson, he follows some hair up into Room 9 of the tower. Unless it's room 6! Or 69! Or 96! "96" is representative of two frat guys sharing a bed and mumbling "no homo" all night.

Meanwhile at the Neapolitan Club, plans are being laid to seduce more jerks.

He asked what she was ashamed of! Not what she was obsessed with! Besides, who isn't obsessed with ruin porn?

Rasp is named Rasp because he's related to Rasputin. He also has a hard time dying! He also eats anything given to him by strange assholes who brag about their illegal retinal implants when the discussion is about earphones. We were talking audio, douchebag! That's like somebody telling you stories about your cat and you deciding it was time to give them the length of your dick.

Klarion meets Zell and then discusses karma with her by pointing out it doesn't exist because Jesus Christ fed some people and then died. How does Klarion know so much about Jesus Christ? And American billionaires? And blues!? And gospel?! He must have majored in American Studies back on Witchworld. Zell is really cute though! And no way is she going to fall for Klarion when he answers "Black is slimming. Works for me" when she asks him what she should wear!

At the club, Rasp and Klarion get into a fight over Zell because she's obviously somebody's property. She can't be the reason for her own existence. And while they fight, Noah and Piper (the cook and the landlady!) discuss the probability that Klarion and Zell are going to be a couple because Klarion's name is on the cover of the comic book and Zell is the only female in the book of appropriate age. So it's, you know, inevitable!

Klarion #1 Rating: I hate it. It's stupid. And boring! And it's full of Ann Nocenti dialogue! I wished I'd been murdered in an alley before reading this.

World's End #1

Is The Huntress going to recognize Replacement Grandfather?

World's End begins with Alan Scott getting all of his facts wrong. He thinks that the DC Multiverse consists of an infinite amount of Earths created by every single decision that every single person makes on a daily basis. The reality of the DC Multiverse is that the only actions that mattered were the ones by Mr. Mind and they all had to do with his diet. Except I think everything is different now because Superboy punched reality and then Flash went back in time to keep his mom alive and then Pandora opened her box and Wildstorm lost their lease and had to move in with Vertigo but Vertigo was having problems too and had to let some people go and so they all crowded into Batman's house and that's why there are only 52 Universes in the DC Universe. Plus there's whatever dimension Darkseid lives in. And there are all the other universes that are alternate futures of the current 52 universes. Plus a lot of pocket dimensions created by crap writers like you know who and the other one.

Fuck it. Maybe Alan Scott is right! DC has never had a very good handle on their multiverses!

This issue is very creatively called "Apokolips Now." I'm sure that's never been used before. I wish I had the creative genius to have come up with that title! I would have probably called this issue "Tales From The Darkseid" or "Parademons Beats Paradise."

There are a lot of credits to get through but here's the one that I'm most interested in:

Oh look! Special Thanks to the other one!

Alan Scott remembers when he was gay before his fiance was refrigerated and he became Green Lantern and he lost all hint of his sexuality. But the flashback shows Alan and his partner having a rational discussion which isn't gay at all! Shouldn't there be lots of leather and ball gags and penises? This is confusing! According to these three panels of Alan and Sam, I could be gay! Am I gay?! They're not even discussing how oppressed they are which is a total cop out! Instead, Sam is telling Alan that he shouldn't be working on BOOM Tube technology with that asshole slimeball Sloan and Alan is telling Sam he's stupid and he should shut up. I'm paraphrasing!

In other news and panels, other people on Earth-2 once had loved ones as well! Clark had parents before Flip-the-Fuck-Out Superman killed his father (although Clark was already dead by then so I guess the panel is showing how happy Ma was before all this shit went down), Helena had non-dead (as opposed to undead) parents, Jay Garrick had a mother, Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon were having a baby (wait. What?), and Kendra and Khalid were friends or something. Earth-2 was fine and dandy and beautiful to behold! I think I'm supposed to have feelings but I stopped having those somewhere in my mid-twenties.

Terry Sloan (the original Mister Terrific! Now Mister DV8 or something) is shown not having family at all. Ha ha! Loser! That must be why he's searching other worlds for people to kidnap. Like Michael Holt (the new Mister Terrific!). He just wants a friend.

I think this scene is just showing how straights and gays have a lot in common. Being a straight, I put on my shirt one arm at a time after having sex with men too.

Over (or under?) in the 9th Dimension, Steppenwolf explains why he's keeping Mister Miracle and Big Barda alive. I don't know where the 9th Dimension is located or who in the DC Universe normally lives there but it looks like it smells like poo. Sorry for the extreme language and irrational judgements. I know I am better than that. You don't know I'm better than that because that's all I do in my commentaries. But I know I am! And that's all that matters because you're just a figment of my imagination.

Back in Gotham, Batman arrests Jimmy Olsen just before Jimmy Olsen saves the world. But Jimmy Olsen makes a mistake that will doom Earth-2 forever: he calls Batman "Bruce." No way is Jimmy Olsen getting a fair trial now! It's right into the stasis chamber with that know-it-all brat before he can blab his secret all over Earth-2's internet. Too bad Earth-2 doesn't have a Justice League because Jimmy Olsen just nailed the interview.

And then the invasion began!

Worst rallying cry ever.

The battle begins with Superman and Batman receiving lots and lots of character development and motivation when Lois and Selina are packed tight into an Earth-2 Frigidaire. Wonder Woman must not be currently fucking a woman because she doesn't get any character development at all. Maybe that's why her comic book has never been as popular. She needs more female lovers in her life so they can be killed and she can experience some character building.

Just like that time that giant squid creature exploded in New York, the world banded together when the parademons began invading Earth. See? Ozymandias was right! This comic book plot confirms that his plan to unite the world was a good plan.

Are you kidding? The Joker's motivation is the easiest one of them all to determine! He's fucking in love with The Batman.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman gave their lives to end the invasion from Apokolips. After that was five years of peace before Earth 2 #1 began and the shit decided to start rolling downhill once more.

Alan recounts the events of Earth-2. I'm not going to recount my commentaries of the events of Earth-2. So let me skip ahead here. Let's see...dead Sam...Solomon Grundy...Sloan's a dick...World Army hunts wonders...Bizarro...rich people die...Bedlam...Cern...Val-el...Apokolips faux retreat...World Army moves into Wonder Woman's backyard...and that's it! I think we're all caught up! I wonder if I should have read Earth-2 first this week instead of World's End?

That's also twenty-one pages of comic book and, according to the staples, I'm just halfway through it! And all for just $2.99! Suck it, Marvel!

A metaphor for what? A brand new day? That's not a metaphor! That's what's happening! Oh wait. I get it. Never mind.

The members of The Soon To Be Justice Society are busy cleaning up the world. Hawk Cop does it in a sexy Halloween costume that would be showing half of her pubic hair if this were 1974. She's also wearing a top with a nice big pull tab for easy unzipping by those nasty foes she might face. At least it looks like she's wearing proper combat lipstick.

Meanwhile in Chicago, shippers get to enjoy Grayson and Gordon in a long-term, baby-making relationship. Unless they don't care about it because this is just Earth-2 Babs and Dick.

Babs is a Chicago cop and Dick is a (excuse me while I vomit) journalist. Earth-2 should be referred to as the OTP World. It's given people Supes and Lois, Bruce and Selina, and now Dick and Babs! What's next? Barry and Hal? It better since that's my OTP. I mean, just after Jason Blood and Etrigan.

While most of the Soon To Be Justice Society are busy picking up the pieces, Replacement Batman is busy planning how to finish the war. Bedlam escaped with Holt, Sloan, and Mister Miracle. As long as he's still out there, the war isn't over and only Replacement Batman is worried about it (of course!).

I hope Val-el continues to be a pacifist since that's how Kal-el really should act. The only reason he ever needs to punch shit is because writers constantly escalate the threats. But Val-el was facing off against a Bizarro that was destroying the entire world and he didn't have to throw a single punch. All Superman needs to do is walk into a situation, grab people by their scruffs, and restrain them somehow (rope, zip ties, encase them in iron). He can't be hurt so why does he need to behave like the thugs that are attacking him and the world, right?

The World Army is still thinking like Replacement Batman. Commander Khan is working on figuring out how to shut down the fire pits and searching for Bedlam. If he shuts down the fire pits, will it release the Red Lantern?

Hawk Cop and Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs head off to intercept some new visitor to the world while Helena is reunited with Replacement Grandfather. That takes place in Earth 2 #27 so I guess I'm reading these in the correct order. And Power Girl is reunited with Tornado Lane, her dead, robotic cousin-in-law.

Or mother. Or pseudo-mother. Whatever. Stupid Earth-2 relationships!

And then the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips burst out of the fire pits to begin the ending of the world. Again.

World's End #1 Rating: I've been hoping for more Earth-2 stories, so I should be happy that we've now got a lot more Earth-2 happening to cover all of these characters. But I was kind of hoping to get Earth-2 stories that didn't revolve around more invasions from Apokolips. I know that boat had sunk a long time ago when Futures End began and we were told Earth-2 eventually succumbs to the invasion. I guess we've got a few months more of Earth-2 versus Apokolips before things can settle down and the Justice Society can begin battling Ultra-humanite. Overall, I enjoyed this and look forward to Dick and Babs and little Johnny getting some costumes thrown together. Also I hope some people die since it's only Earth-2 people! Nobody cares about Twofers!

Batman Eternal #27

Catwoman's grip is a little too high.

I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn't know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she's super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she's wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.

Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker's Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus's reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said "insane reign!"

These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.

Killer Croc meets up with these inmates and mentions that they have something called "the black-infection." That sounds an awful lot like the reason my racist cousin-in-law gave for selling his house.

I don't use the term racist incorrectly, I don't think. If not racist, what would be the correct term for a person living in a suburban, cul-de-sac neighborhood with dozens of identical houses who sells their house at a loss when a black family moves in nearby? I suppose you could call him a reverse house flipper?

Batgirl, having discovered that her father was still in Blackgate even though she brought evidence that would exonerate him all the way back from South America, has decided that she needs to speak with Commissioner Jason Bard. I don't use the term speak incorrectly, I don't think! Speak means to pummel somebody to within an inch of their lives while they scream in agony, right?

Batman and Catwoman are fighting gangs together for some reason. They must have just met up by accident and Batman decided he needed Catwoman's help more than he needed to lecture her.

Catwoman can handle "most" anything thrown at her? Most? But not all? I think Batman just alluded to Catwoman not being able to handle his cock.

I also don't think Catwoman would have thought pole dancing classes were "a bitch." Is she saying that stripping is harder work than climbing buildings, running around rooftops, sneaking into museums, fighting maniacs, and flirting with Batman? Ridiculous.

Later at Gotham Child Services, there is a revelation that perhaps was revelated earlier but I missed it. Jade, the girl that Killer Croc has been trying to bring back into his people's fold, is a McKillabody. That means she's related to the new Two-Face!

Oh wait! I spoke too soon. Batman has decided Catwoman needs a lecture!

Batman is going to be so angry when Catwoman is finally running Gotham!

Batman, being a gigantic idiot, needs to believe that Catwoman is ultimately a good person who will wait for him until he's ready to settle down and have a Robin with her. But why would Catwoman want to be with a man who only wants her when she acts the way he needs her to act? Batman may be able, one day, to control Gotham so that everybody feels safe. But Catwoman isn't his fucking city.

I really want a monthly title called Batman Loves Catwoman where she has all the power because she just likes fucking him but he's completely in love with her and desperately trying to get her to change her ways. I want a Batman/Catwoman comic that shows Batman doesn't get everything he wants.

Or just continue to have Selina pining for a Batman that isn't emotionally dead inside.

Why is Catwoman bringing home a stray cat? Oh! It's CAT-woman! Not CATWO-man! Goddammit, Ann Nocenti! You've had the character wrong all this time!

Killer Croc realizes Dragos Ibanescu now has Jade McKillagain so he's hunting him. Meanwhile, Dragos has partnered with Mr. Boner to use Jade to lure Catwoman to them because they both want Catwoman dead. That means Dragos and Mr. Boner are probably going to be in the hospital soon and Catwoman will be taking most of their business for herself.

Penny-Two has yet to learn to keep her mouth shut when it comes to Catwoman the way Penny-One has, so she keeps asking Batman intensely personal questions that Batman thought he'd never have to answer again once he got all of the women out of his life. Why do women need to know so many details all of the time?! Can't they be happy with the still waters of a man's expression that give no indication of what he's feeling or thinking or if he's even alive? Why isn't a grunt enough of an answer whenever they ask how a man's day went? Jesus. Do men actually need to participate in relationships?! That's asking way too much.

To keep from answering questions about his relationship (which isn't really a relationship!) with Catwoman, Batman nearly kills a man named Flamingo by forcing him to crash his motorcycle. Even if Flamingo had died from his injuries, it wouldn't have been Batman's fault since Spoiler set up the entire thing just to leave a secret note to Batman.

I first read that as #buttwrecker.

The issue finishes up with Batgirl dropping Jason Bard from a great height (because you can't go wrong with a person falling to their deaths cliffhanger!) and Catwoman about to get a taste of the bat's boner. I mean, Mr. Boner's bat!

Batman Eternal #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was better this issue although Catwoman's butt was wrecked in a few panels. #buttwrecker

Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.