Constantine #18

I can't believe Constantine won't be allowed to smoke in his new show on NBC. I bet he doesn't get to say "cunt" either. Lame.

I should probably wait to do this commentary after Constantine airs this Friday but it was next in my stack and who am I to argue with The Stack? Somebody probably organized these comic books to be read in the most entertaining order. Or somebody just pulled them out of a paper sack and shoved them in a drawer. Who can remember what somebody was thinking two weeks ago?

I always think of my past self as some other person. It makes it easier to deny responsibility for all of those horrible things I did as a teenager.

I bet if I had psoriasis, I'd never get anything done. The skin under my sideburns is patchy and flaky right now and I just spent the last fifteen minutes carefully picking flakes out of my sideburn and carefully examining each one's size and texture. Nothing compares to the feeling of slowly pulling a flake of skin from one's scalp (or cheek or whatever!), being careful so it doesn't break apart as you drag it through your hair, admiring it's size, and then, if it's big and beautiful, weirdly keeping it on the windowsill near your shaving mirror for months. That may or may not have been a favorite hobby of mine in junior high.

That previous paragraph was all just speculative fiction for your enjoyment. I never really did any of that! Ha! Ha ha! Heh heh. Yeah.

Last issue, Constantine was propelled into the future by Dr. Occult, losing his Foghorn Leghorn sword in the process. But he wasn't just blasted forward in time! He was knocked across universes as well. He arrives on Earth-2 on his doppelganger's birthday where he meets up with Wonton.

Sorry! Sorry! Geez. Wotan. He meets up with Wotan.

Since John is now on Earth-2, I have to think up a nickname for the Twofer version of himself. How about...Johnny Constantwin?

Johnny Constantwin is hanging out with his Vertigo friends and his wife. And none of them are dead! This world is too weird for me. I hope John gets back to Old Standby Earth soon.

Wotan just wants to use Constantine as a ferry to Old Standby Earth where he'll be the most powerful mage ever! After all the other ones that John doesn't tell him live there. You know which ones I'm talking about! Like Zatara! Or that other one!

While John battles Wotan, Johnny Constantwin feels the fight. It's like he's a Corsican Constantwin.

Eventually, I'm sure, Constantine uses some humble street magician's trick to win the day and then he returns home with Doctor Fate's helmet for some reason. I probably shouldn't trust the cover! This could be one of those Silver Age covers where the cover made the story look way more exciting to an eight year old kid with a dime burning a hole in his pocket. Or her pocket if the cover was a Night Nurse Romance comic book!

I can't resist translating the Runespeak whenever it appears. I don't even have to check my cheat sheet anymore. The main thing I've learned from translating Runespeak? You should never bother translating the Runespeak.

I'll translate the Runespeak in the above panels for all you students that were always told you were wasting your potential but always knew, deep in your heart, that was a lie and, if anything, you were exceeding your potential in the hopes that one of your parents would notice and throw a praise or two in your direction.

In the first panel, Wotan says, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Constantine replies, "Their like it's better than mine." That's exactly what he said so don't tell me I'm an idiot! Don't shoot the translator! In the second panel, Wotan says, "Anything you can do I can do better." And then little Johnny Howard says, "I can do anything better than you." In the third panel, Wotan says, "What's the guys name on first base?" And John replies, "What's the guy on second, who is on first!" They're such cut ups!

That's my fair warning to resist translating DC's Runespeak. It's nearly always bullshit that pulls you right out of the story. Occasionally the letter will take the instructions literally like in the most recent issue of Action Comics where Superman speaks Krypton and his Kryptonese says, "Three Kryptonian Words." Once, the letters were written backwards and it was a secret message to the letterer's fuck buddy.

Wotan uses Constantine as a portal but since two Constantines currently exist on Earth-2, Wotan is ripped in half and dies forever, never to be seen in The New 52 ever again. I might be exaggerating.

Now Constantine needs to find Constantwin so they can safely devise a spell to get Constantine back to Old Standby Earth.

Constantine #18 Rating: No change. I've got bigger problems right now than caring if Constantine is as good as it used to be. I don't think my cat Judas has much more time left in him. I can't even read one comic book without having to help him with something or clean him up or help him eat or help him drink or make him purr for a half an hour with chin scratches. Maybe for my next commentary, it'll just read, "Batman acts condescending and self-righteous. The end."

Earth 2 #12

Twenty Pages per month just doesn't seem like a lot of space to give to every single person on Earth 2.

Last issue, Doctor Fate finally accepted his role as Doctor Fate and the Justice Society came one step closer to being a reality. I keep hoping Robinson will get around to dealing with Mister Terrific's story but I guess locking him in a closet until Robinson is ready to deal with him was probably the best way to keep Mister Terrific's cancellation from ruining Robinson's plans for this book.

This issue begins with Dr. Fate and Wotan battling above the streets of Boston. I guess upon defeating the Great Beast, the dimension housing the Tower of Doctor Fate spit everybody out. And of course that magical, strange dimension was located amid the shadows and aging buildings of a New England town. I just can't picture any kind of Lovecraftian dimension existing anywhere in the Midwest or on the West Coast. Unless Robinson takes a moment for a flashback to see how the battle ended up on Earth 2, I'll just assume it's the way I just mentioned.

The World Army flies in to put a stop to the magic battle but Green Lantern and The Flash try to keep the World Army at bay. Why is Green Lantern here and helping? Why are they trying to keep the battle one on one? Where's Jay Garrick's mother? I'm smelling the need for a flashback pretty soon here!

Oh! There's the flashback! And ugh! Jay Garrick's subconscious is ugly.

Doctor Fate and Wotan begin their battle in the side Dimension. Nabu wants to help Khalid with his previous knowledge of Wotan but Khalid, as Doctor Fate now, decides he's through listening to the voice in his head. That might be helpful in certain situations but I'm pretty sure when you're about to use magic which you have next to no experience using, it might actually be a good thing to listen to the voice in your head that's had years and years of experience with the stuff! And because Doctor Fate doesn't listen to the expert, his first magic attack is simply flying straight at Wotan and smashing into him like a demented football fan crazed from seeing the colors of the rival team (in this case, the colors are blue and yellow versus purple and green).

No! Evoke the power of Bast! Cats beat everything!

Because Wotan is so powerful in this dimension, Nabu directs Khalid to take the fight back to Earth where Wotan will lose the extra power he's absorbed from squatting in this place. And that's how they all end up fighting in Boston. Also, Doctor Fate claims he needs to beat Wotan without any help. And that's why The Flash and Green Lantern set up a perimeter to keep the World Army away from the conflict. And then on the next page, Green Lantern and Hawkgirl appear so the next part will probably explain why Green Lantern is helping out! He probably came by to drop off some applications to the Justice Society and just got swept up in the fighting and the do-gooding.

Alan Scott and Kendra Hawkperson are trying to figure out why an entire train was derailed simply to kill Sam, Alan's fiance. Their investigation leads them to a shipping container full of dead parademons which is probably the answer to the mystery but they're not smart enough to figure it out. So Alan's ring decides to force him back to America to hang out with Doctor Fate and The Flash while Hawkgirl goes back to the guy that led them to the shipping container to ask him, "What the fuck?"

And that brings everybody together just like when the comic book started. It also leaves just a couple of pages left for Doctor Fate to destroy Wotan. Or at least destroy this current version of Wotan. If that happens, Wotan probably won't be any trouble for at least another ten or eleven years.

I guess two year olds can be a handful, so maybe Wotan will be back by Issue #36.

Afterward, The Nearly The Justice Society retreat from the World Army to Alan Scott's penthouse. Before they can decide on their next step, Doctor Fate has a vision that they should turn on the television because televisions are always supposed to be on so that super heroes can learn their next course of action. When they turn on the set, the news tells them that Steppenwolf has declared himself leader of a crappy little country and that the World Army is set to invade. So of course The Nearly The Justice Society feels they should probably get involved. I guess that'll take place in the stupid Annual.

I hate Annuals! I want a week off instead of reading four half-hearted stories to lure in new readers!

Earth 2 #12 Rating: No change. Maybe this was good. Or maybe it wasn't good. I was kind of distracted with life problems today and I wasn't really concentrating very well. That's going to happen sometimes! Sometimes a busy business meeting will make your bowels go crazy and then the meeting will only take fifteen minutes and be a total breeze and get you more business and some good news and then your car will try to break the fuck down on you on the way home because it apparently doesn't like being driven in the daylight and the heat and without any oil because you've been meaning to put oil in the stupid thing for close to three weeks but you never remember because at the end of Tuesday night's shift, you just shut off your brain completely and never think about work stuff again until a few hours before Sunday's night shift and then you think, "Fuck me! I forgot the oil again!" and you just shrug and go to work anyway. Sometimes that kind of thing happens and then when it all works out and it's all over with, you just want to eat some Indian Food and nap in a chair in the breeze and the sun in the backyard. So then Earth 2 doesn't get read very well.

Earth 2 #10

I still hate Jay Garrick's outfit. But I do like Kendra's little blue vest that buttons on to her zip up jacket!

Issue Ten begins with the origin of Hawkgirl and Dr. Fate! No, wait. Premature exclamation. It begins two years ago with Kendra and Khalid being chased through an ancient Egyptian building. And then the next panel takes place fifty-nine minutes later after Kendra has had wings glued onto her back and Khalid is obsessing over his new helmet. Being that I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics (basically because they're like comic books (shut up, I know they're actually just phonemes. Stop ruining my lie!)), let me translate the walls Kendra and Khalid are running past in the first panel.

At the top of the pillar, we see Titty Twister the Rabbit God forcing the Egyptians into a really long queue and forcing them to do the Bunny Hop. This happens at the marriage of Du-Rahn-Te and Buht, The Goddess of Rifles Sticking Out of People's Heads. The next scene is distorted from gunfire but it looks like Du-Rahn-Te and Buht are consummating their marriage with a few slaves thrown in because having sex with multiple partners and crocodiles and cats was just an every day part of Ancient Egyptian Culture. After that, Osiris's detachable penis shoots up through the ground either four times or Osiris's penis was four-pronged. Next, Ka-We the God of Chickadees came into the room and pooped in a hat box. Then above Kendra's elbow in the yellow oval, we can see a pair of pliers next to a Yu-gi-oh deck. Beneath those is a member of the Ku Klux Klan with his pet Loch Ness Monster being reprimanded by a nun standing on an electrified floor. Beneath that and the orange line is the first sentence of a story about the New God Orion and the time he telephoned a duck. Finally on the far wall to the right of Khalid we see a bong and the red sun as it appears at 4:20. Beneath that is Bullet Bill flying over the duck with his telephone and then the pliers and Mjolnir. These might be in some reference to a hallucination caused by the smoking of the bong because beneath that are a couple of anti-drug posters. Before the anti-drug posters, though, is a short commercial with a grandfather and his grandson in a boat discussing prejudice. Then the first anti-drug poster is the "This is your brain on drugs" egg. The second anti-drug message after that is an Above the Influence poster. And that's about it.

Judging by the winged figures, I guess this is the Temple of Horus where Kendra met Horus and was granted his powers. Perhaps the great Egyptian wizard Nabu was Horus's cat and so was buried further in the temple with his favorite helmet.

Back in the present, Wotan gives a short lecture about magic and how the grand wizard Nabu used it to bring order from chaos. So that's a nice little throwback to Dr. Fate's connection to the Lords of Order and Chaos. Jay Garrick doesn't really care about all of this bullshit. He just wants Wotan to send his mom home but Wotan is a bit of a didactic prick and a control freak, so he refuses. This causes Flash to attack but apparently casting spells is quicker than The Flash. Although I suspect The Flash could have gotten the drop on him if he just ran at Wotan instead of slowing down enough to spout off about Wotan "going down!"

Wotan specializes in JRPG spells.

When Khalid first put on the Helmet of Nabu, he was possessed by Nabu's spirit. Part of Nabu's magic secreted itself inside Khalid whether he had the helmet on or not. So Khalid was constantly hearing Nabu's voice. Khalid panicked and wished the Helmet away. Now it's in this limbo in The Tower of Fate and only he and Jay Garrick have the physical make-up to enter the tower and retrieve the helmet. Jay's mom is simply incentive for them to do the task since Wotan has no qualms about killing her. I guess it's time for 1st Level Magic User Khalid and 5th Level Speedster Jay to set off for high adventure in Module E-2, The Tower of Fate!

I think the yellow spheres are checkpoints.

Meanwhile Alan Scott is hanging out in China visiting the grave of his dead boyfriend Sam. Sam's father has met him there and has some mostly selfish and ambiguous words to say to Alan.

Oh fuck you, you oh-so-magnanimous bigot! This kind of thing pisses me off. He could tell Alan made his son happy but he couldn't fucking approve of their relationship? It's not your fucking life! Just because you don't find men sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to judge your son for doing so. It wasn't your life, asshole. Are we supposed to stand up and cheer for your words to Alan Scott here? Are we supposed to hug you and say, "Well, that's all that matters then! That you saw that they were happy! Forget how much Sam's heart probably hurt like hell every time you sneered or dropped an off-hand negative remark!" Fuck bigots and their tiny concessions.

Mr. Zhao does happen to pass on a bit of information to Alan that might prove useful. He discovered Sam was the target of the bombing but he doesn't know who was behind it or why. That information sends Green Lantern on a complete rampage through China's ganglands. When he doesn't discover anything, he heads back to find Hawkgirl and ask her for her help. Do I smell some JSA cooking?

And back to The Tower of Fate, Khalid and The Flash pass through all the checkpoints unmolested and finally make it to the big Boss Battle.

I hope they brought their cheat codes.

Earth 2 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this issue is how the cover shows Hawkgirl with The Flash and Khalid because Jay's mom isn't cover material.

Wotan! (as seen in Earth 2 #9)

Part 15 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupatoin: Sorcerer, Scientist, Would-be Conqueror [A sorcerer and a scientist? He's got all the angles covered!]
Marital Status: Presumed single [He just spends so much time with his work.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Mobile
First Appearance: MORE FUN COMICS #55
Height: 5'10 1/2" Weight: 151 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Green

HISTORY
"Nothing is as yet known about the origin of the mysterious sorcerer who calls himself Wotan. Although he has named himself after the Teutonic god Wotan (who is better known as the Norse god Odin), the sorcerer Wotan has no known connection with the gods of Asgard. Moreover, Wotan is not a devil, although he has allowed people to believe that he is [It sounds like he's just trying to hitch his trailer to any powerful group he can think of.].

It is known, however, that Wotan had a physical incarnation previous to his current one. In this previous incarnation Wotan battled his greatest foe, the mystical Lord of Order known as Doctor Fate (see Doctor Fate), who was also then in a bodily incarnation previous to his current one, presumably that of Nabu the Wise.

Wotan has long sought to conquer the world. He utilizes both ancient methods of magic and advanced technology in pursuit of his goal.

Just after Kent Nelson first donned the helmet of Doctor Fate, he (as Fate) encountered Wotan in Egypt. Wotan had captured Inza Cramer, a young student from Columbia University. Doctor Fate defeated Wotan and Cramer became Doctor Fate's friend, and eventually, she and Nelson fell in love with each other.

Later, when Fate and Cramer were in America, Wotan unsuccessfully tried to kill them both. Doctor Fate again defeated Wotan, but Wotan escaped and attempted to get revenge on Doctor Fate by blowing up the Earth through scientific means [Holy shit! He was serious about that revenge!]. Doctor Fate again thwarted Wotan and placed him underground in a mystical trance [I bet that didn't last long!].

However, Wotan's spirit contacted another of Doctor Fate's foes, the scientist Ian Karkull, who freed Wotan from his trance. Wotan and Karkull constructed advanced weaponry with which to attack the nations of the world. But in trying to destroy Doctor Fate, Wotan instead destroyed his own Arctic base [Unless it was his Antarctic base].

Wotan and Karkull escaped, and Wotan subsequently aided Karkull in his attempt to assassinate numerous future United States presidents [Wotan was pretty serious about this conqueror business, wasn't he?]. The Golden Age Green Lantern (see Green Lantern I) sent Wotan into another dimension.

Wotan returned to Earth and on behalf of Adolf Hitler, launched a plan to destroy the British will to fight in World War II [I think he was successful in this mission.]. Actually, Wotan intended to conquer the British Isles himself, not for Hitler. This time Wotan was defeated by the Shining Knight (see Shining Knight [And the current run of Demon Knights!]).

In the late 1940s Wotan had been trapped in an other-dimensional limbo under unknown circumstances. He was freed and brought to 1941 by Per Degaton (see Per Degaton) to serve as his ally, but was later apparently returned to limbo in his proper time period [This sounds like a bunch of retcon bullshit!].

Wotan's subsequent fate is as yet unknown."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Wotan is both a master of sorcery and a brilliant scientist and inventor. He can fly, travel between dimensions [except, apparently, when someone else sticks him in one.], and project powerful mystical bolts. He is a poor hand-to-hand combatant, who prefers to rely on his magical powers.