Justice League #27

Cyborg 2.0 looks a lot like Cyborg Preboot.0.

I guess I'm supposed to be reading this even though the Forever Evil Checklists have constantly been telling me that Forever Evil #5 was supposed to be out in January and I haven't read it yet. I see it comes out later today though, so I guess DC knows what they're doing. Ha ha. That was a good joke!

No recap this commentary because I'm on a deadline. Also, I have no idea what plot points were in Justice League and which were in Forever Evil and which were in Justice League of America and which were in Forever Villainous Dying Time and which were in No Mercy For Whimsical Fucks and which were in We're DC Comics and We Don't Believe in Fun Loving Good Time Nonsense.

Actually, the recap would have taken less time than my statement about not having time for a recap. Last issue, Grid learned the secret origins of most of the Crime Syndicate. Only Superwoman remains a mystery.

This issue begins in Denver, Colorado with a version of Doom Patrol I don't give any fucks about. Which is probably a good thing because they're probably going to die. What with being members of a group called "The Doom Patrol" and all.

The good thing about death in the Doom Patrol is that there is always room for another complete roster change. Except for Robotman. If Cliff Steele isn't on the team, it's not the Doom Patrol. Which means this isn't the fucking Doom Patrol. It's just a bunch of cannon fodder Niles Caulder manipulated into getting themselves killed.

Karma can't be hit by anyone but explosives can destroy him. At least that's Johnny Quick's mode of reasoning for some reason. I can't guess why he jumps to that conclusion except that he's a stupid, arrogant motherfucker. So he blows up Karma and assumes he's dead. But I bet Karma just ran away during the blast like a ninja or kid's party magician with a smoke bomb. Atomica shrinks down, holds her breath, rides through Scorch's bloodstream, and kicks him in the brain, killing him. Does that make everybody sad thinking about Sue Dibny?

And then the next page gives me enough experience points to become a Superior Master Comic Book Reader!

The "rebuild you" line is spoken by Silas Stone but we all know whose brain in a jar that is and what Niles is about to do! Mostly because I just pointed it out in the last caption. Also, Cliff Steele never wants to be rebuilt. He's more of the "Why don't you just let me die already? I'm sick of seeing my friends die over and over and over again!" kind of guy.

Back in The Red Room (one of the few buildings in Detroit that's not on fire), Silas Stone is telling his son that he's not going to rebuild him. And even if he wanted to, he can't because all the computers have been disabled and forced to run the "This World is Ours" screensaver. I prefer the maze.

And the horse cock. Don't forget the horse's cock!

Silas doesn't want to rebuild Victor but T.O. Morrow, being a mad scientist, proclaims that it is their duty to rebuild Cyborg! But Silas doesn't want to lose his half of a son again. But T.O. Morrow waves his hands around at the Haunted Tank and all of the other crazy technological shit and says, "But if we don't stick arms and legs on Cyborg, how else will we save the world!?" And then a silent tear falls from The Haunted Tank's turret and splashes quietly to the floor.

"But son, I never do what you want. Why do you think it would be different this time?"

Victor tells his dad exactly how things are going to go or else he's going to stare at him really disapprovingly for a really long time. So Silas relents and offers to recreate Cyborg with T.O. Morrow's help. But Victor is leading this surgery now that he knows nearly all data relevant to human existence. Or at least what was stored in his human memory. I'm sure there was a lot of shit stored in separate data banks on his old body. I'm actually surprised he remembers anything. I would have thought his organic brain would have simply been used as Virtual Memory.

Anyway, Victor wants to rebuild himself out of various parts of The Red Room that T.O. Morrow waved at earlier. Hopefully they'll accidentally incorporate the ghost of General Sherman into Cyborg's system! Please please please let that happen! PLEASE!

Once Victor is wheeled into The Red Room, it looks quite different from previous shots of The Red Room. I have a feeling DC wasn't quite sure what was happening with The Red Room and The Black Room at some point and that The Haunted Tank actually belonged in The Black Room. Especially after seeing this new shot of The Red Room. It's full of hyper-technological stuff where the old shot of The Red Room had a lot more mundane items. This place has a Boom Tube Cube and a Giant Robot and The Royal Flush Gang's Ace of Spades Android Robot thing. Plus some ships and crates and mechanical arms and Roombas. I think Cyborg can probably get a pretty sweet upgrade from this shit.

As Cyborg and Drs. Silas and Morrow figure out how to fix up Victor, it's time for the second installment of "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivial Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #282:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

I got the Pee Pee Category wrong because I believe in questions that have answers and not questions that do not have answers. The answer is zero. I guessed one because I could ask an infinite amount of questions where I pose the possibility of something and then say, "Ha ha. No, nothing like that exists at all, stupid." Although I really should have known better seeing as how I was in China in 1997 and I'm pretty sure they only had one expressway then and it led to The Great Wall, Tourist Trap Extraordinaire! I'm pretty steamed about missing this one because I let my good nature beat out my cynical side. That never fucking happens!

For the Aiiiiieeeee! Category, I scored a point. Not because it's a song a lot of people are familiar with but because I've been to Karaoke at least once in my life (actually many times more but you only need once to hear this song done). It's "My Way" by Garth Brooks or something.

I got the Hysteria question wrong if you can count "not being able to come up with any answer at all" wrong. Hysteria will always be my weakest category because I'd rather make up history than read about it in big books. Not knowing the answer to this is probably the most embarrassed I've ever been while writing this blog. Even more embarrassed than when I admitted to taking a break from reading a comic book to masturbate in the sink. I mean, that was a joke, obviously! Oh, also, the answer was Sinn Fein. Duh!

The Sin question was easy because what the fuck has this entire fucking comic book been about so far! Robots!

The Slutty question was super easy too because I'm Spanish and I love Pineapples and I just heard Piña Colada while eating at Burgerville earlier today. Not that the song tells the listener the literal meaning of the drink's name, but whatever. As the song began, I looked across the table at the Non-Certified Spouse and said, "This song really should end with somebody being shot or stabbed." If you know the song, you'll know why. That is one fucked up song.

And, if you've been doing better math than Troy Aikman or The Birds of Prey, you'll know already that I missed the Wild Card question. It was cow. I guessed pig. Apparently my ability to guess things is off today. If only I were smarter!

Thanks for playing! My record now stands at 6 of 12 which is failing spectacularly! And I've missed quite a few that the average person should get, so if you're only of average intelligence or above, you should be beating me! Congratulations on being a smarmy, no-goodnick, sore winner! Asshole.

Man. Now I look forward more to "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" more than reading comic books! It might be time for a new blog to separate the features! No, fuck that. Why would I do that?!

I bet Grid would have aced that card! Cyborg probably wouldn't even know what kinds of animals were farm animals at this point. "Umm, uh, is a Chevrolet an animal?!"

Rip Hunter's Time Ship? Booster Gold's? Could it be Skeets himself?!

Cyborg walks the scientists through his new design. He keeps himself sleek and shiny, more human looking but with a greater variety of weapons. And he has his dad stamp "Made in Detroit" on the back of his head. I suppose that constitutes Cyborg's first tattoo? And then Cyborg 2.0 is finished. And he looks more like a human in a suit than an eight ton walking computer. These guys are amazing scientists and engineers and doctors and miracle workers! They rebuild Cyborg in about fifteen minutes. From near corpse to walking weapon in no time at all. I wonder what Victor's bill is going to be?

Afterward, Victor's dad makes it all about himself again so that Victor has to be the better man and forgive his dad. He hugs him and doesn't "accidentally" crush him like I might have. Victor is a better man than me too!

Cyborg walks off the showroom floor (losing about 20% of his retail value) to go find Platinum because she was fucking crazy sexy. Emphasis on the crazy. But what else can a person expect from an android fitted with one of Dr. Magnus's Responsometers? Hopefully when Vic finds Platinum, he'll find a few other metallic men as well.

Maybe design them bigger next time?

Justice League #27 Rating: +3 Ranking. Even though this was simply a story of Cyborg being rebuilt and a father's love for his son (maybe), it was one of the better Justice League books I've read tonight. Especially since it has now set up The Doom Patrol and The Metal Men for serious inclusion in The New 52. And it sets up a big battle between Grid and Cyborg. Cyborg better watch out because Grid knows he's coming, having seen him via security camera in Hagerstown, Maryopolis.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27

After Ra's is done here, he has to get over to Gotham to kick an old lady's teeth in.

Last issue, Jason Todd's memories came back when he realized all he had to do was remember them to get them back. And after they came back, he said, "Surprise! Every single thing that has happened so far was part of my plan! Maybe I'm going to become a vampire in the future and change my name to Harvest!"

Upon reading the first few pages of this issue, I have to offer a retraction for my first paragraph. The plan was not Jason Todd's at all. It was, of course, Ducra's. Although Ducra died quite awhile ago so she might just be a figment of Jason Todd's imagination which would mean that the plan is his plan after all. So I'm going to retract my retraction! Why can't I ever remember that the first rule of Collect Club is never admit you are wrong! Mabelchan would be so disappointed in me. And after all the Pineapple Kit Kats she sent me.

So after that flashback is out of the way so that everything can be explained (including the stupid bit where The Joker set off the trap that blew off Jason Todd's face and was supposed to make him forget everything but didn't take because that would have screwed up the Batman Inc Continuity even more than it already did screw up the Batman Inc Continuity), the action returns to Jason Todd's face-off (because he almost lost his face earlier this year. In the same way Red Hood's creator lost his face! Well, not exactly the same way. But in a like manner is what I meant) with Ra's al Ghul!

Jason Todd's mentor? He means The Joker, right?

The scan above was from the title page which answered this question that was ringing in my head: "Why isn't Julius Gopez's art looking as stupid as it usually does?" That's because some guy named Noel Rodriguez did some of the arting as well. I bet kids with the name "Noel" get picked on at school all of the time. And it's a shame, really. It's actually the parents that should be picked on. "You named your kid what? What were you thinking, you narcissist?! Also, it's the 21st Century and you didn't stick an extraneous "y" in his name? What an uncreative douche."

This issue is called "Demons" and it doesn't take place in space which is why I had to write an entirely new commentary instead of using my commentary from New Guardians #27. Darn it.

Jason Todd was chosen for this job because he's the only person capable of throwing the Legendary Dragon Punch which is capable of knocking the immortality out of somebody. It isn't quite as useful when some thick jock decides to attack you in a convenience store. Better to have a skateboard on hand in that situation. But if you ever meet up with an immortal? Dragon Punch. Always go with the Dragon Punch. Or possibly the Crane Kick.

But Jason Todd also wasn't supposed to get his memories back or else they could be used against him the way that Ra's al Ghul uses them against him on page whatever page is opposite the ad for The Wolf Among Us. Jason is forced to look at a bunch of Jokers and he collapses.

Oh yeah! Remember this guy? His name is December Graystone. That's even worse than Noel Anylastname!

If you name your kid after a month (especially one of the months that is basically just a number), you might as well name your kid after shapes. Dodycyhydron! Rhomboyd! Squarely! Octygonzo! I know. You think names like "December" and "October" are pretty. Do you have a mirror handy? Just take a good, long, hard look into it. Ask yourself, "What went wrong in my life? Was my childhood really as happy and decent as I remember it? Why the fuck do I think ridiculous words make good names? I bet I would look hot if I took off all of my clothes? I should probably take a naked selfie of myself and send it to Tess now." Do you feel better? You should because I have zero training in psychology.

Jason recovers from the Jokers looking at him because who the fuck wouldn't? Oh, I guess everybody else wouldn't judging by the surprise leaking out of Ra's al Ghul's stupid mouth hole. And then Jason Todd turns the tables on Ra's and creates an image of Talia! And Ra's is all, "Talia? Is that really you? You're not a trick, are you? Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Kory is having trouble defeating December and Roy is having trouble defeating Rictus (why didn't The Joker take that name? Oh yeah. Because it's stupider than December. Or Noel) so Cheshire has to help out.

By teabagging Rictus with her lady teabag.

I'm not sure how December is defeated. Why was December afraid of January? Because January February March! I think I did that wrong. Anyway, December goes away. Maybe he wound up wherever Bronze Tiger hid himself away. And then Jason Todd wins the day because he has friends!

But mostly because he knows the Dragon Punch.

Ra's al Ghul's reaction to the Dragon Punch is to throw his arms in the air and scream, "Nooooo!" You know, like every other villain ever after being defeated. Way to be a dumb cliche, Ra's al Ghul.

Before we find out the ultimate fate of Ra's al Ghul after being Sucker Dragon Punched, it's time for a new feature I have just now decided to call, "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivia Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #25:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

So the first question (the Pee Pee category) I got wrong. Why is this category called "Pee Pee"? Are they all questions about New Jersey? Back in the original edition, if the Blue Category asked for a number, your best bet was to answer "Three." If it asked for a city, the most probably answer was "Chicago." In this case "Three Percent" was not the right answer. The answer was 100% which I take issue with. At the very least, I know one person lives in The Pine Barrens: The Jersey Devil! Although I suppose 99.(9)% has been mathematically proven to be 100%, so whatever. But still! There must be a whole slew of reality television hillbillies living in the Pine Barrens! Next on A&E: PINE BILLIES!

The second question (the Ash category) I answered correctly because I'm really good at knowing things that aren't true anymore. The answer was Cheers because everybody back in the eighties thought this was the smartest comedy to ever not be MASH. I'm sure it's The Simpsons now. I suppose I could consult Lord Google but fuck him. What makes him think he's any smarter than Viscount Trivial Pursuit?

The third question (the Male category) I answered "Dan Quayle" because there was a time when all stupid questions asked by politicians involved Dan Quayle. The correct answer is Edward Kennedy which is kind of obvious, maybe. I think Pat Buchanan and Ted Kennedy were nemeses back in the day. The day being Ancient Times.

The fourth question (the Snopes category) was the "Did anybody ever fucking get this question wrong?" question. Every card needs at least one question that even your seven year old that just had to fucking play with the wine drinking adults on game night can answer. Although I'm fairly certain that if this question were updated, the answer would be "The Human Centipede."

The fifth question (the Slutty category) I didn't even spend any time on because what is baseball? The answer was Frank Thomas. This question probably is still accurate but is it relevant? No, no it is not.

The last question (the Wild Card category) was easy not because anybody knows who the fuck Giovanni Vigliotto was but because they give the clue to the answer Jeopardy-style with the whole "sweet-talking" business. And also because Trivia Pursuit answers were never "fucked someone in the ass." So it had to be "get married."

Thanks for playing! If you want to keep track of your scores as the game continues across other commentaries, leave your score in the Comments or via a Reply. You could also brag about your score in the Secret Clubhouse of Secrets. But you have to find it first!

So where was I? Oh yeah! What happened to Ra's al Ghul after being called a weak-ass doody face?!

Once Ra's loses his new and improved Well of Souls Immortality (I'm pretty sure he gets to keep his old, tawdry and ragged Immortality), it transfers to Essence because that was Ducra's plan all along! And lots of people in the universe feel the shift of power from ugly, mean-spirited, impotent old man to fucking hot albino sex kitten!

Oracle likey!

Trigon also notices because why wouldn't he? Somebody new in the universe to rape! Even Madame Xanadu notices but then what else does she have to do except read her Tarot Cards and say, "Yeah, I knew that," whenever something happens.

New Light Bright White Essence appears to not kill Ra's. Instead, she tells him she'll let him live and not destroy all of his precious Lazarus Pits if he lets Jason and Roy and Kory walk away. I guess she's too good to kill him and she's willing to once again establish the truce between The Untitled and The All-Caste and Ra's, whatever fucking role he played in that shit. Bronze Tiger finally comes out from behind a stalagmite to offer Ra's a bowl of consolation cereal. "It's pretty darn good!"

Essence returns to the Acres of All to rebuild the All-Caste with S'aru (if you get my drift! *wink wink*!) and Jason Todd and the Outlaws decide to go "vacation in the worst place on Earth" according to the Next Month Blurb. I'm not going to guess where that is because I'll probably offend some reader when I say "Dallas" or "Cleveland" or "Canada."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27 Rating: +4 Ranking. That was a solid ending to all the bullshit that's been going on in this comic book for months prior to Tynion taking over. Even Tynion's run felt like a lot of cleaning up the overflowing toilet Lobdell left on his way out. But fucking fuck, James Tynion IV pulled it off and really fit all the pieces together in a nice way. For once, I'm impressed with this comic book! Also, did anybody else feel like Gopez and Rodriguez (I think mainly Rodriguez but since the pages aren't expressly labeled with who drew what, I'll just mention them both) were trying to get a Kenneth Rocafort vibe with their art and the panel layouts? The panel layouts were more organized with less negative space but it still felt like they were trying to keep up (or get back to, anyway) the early look of this comic book.

New Guardians #27

That's my non-jerk off hand's name too!

I know what you're all thinking now: so what's the name of your jerk-off hand? Mind your own fucking business.

I've got over twenty comic books in my stack and more come out tomorrow, so I think it's time for a speed round. That means I'll be recycling old jokes and filling paragraphs with how many comic books are left in the stack. I wonder if I can talk about New Guardians in such vague terms that I'll be able to recycle my commentary for the other comics?

This issue is called "Keeper." Whoops. I think that was probably too specific already! I hope Red Hood and The Outlaws is also called "Keeper."

The issue begins with a character that I forgot was my favorite character: Exeter the Keeper. He's heading home now that he doesn't have to keep an eye on the Universe's Ingrown Hair anymore. Kyle popped open the ingrown hair and revealed that it was actually an ingrown Relic. He's arrived home to find his people at war with a bunch of mushrooms. So he's called Kyle and Carol over to help him sort out the misunderstanding because according to Exeter, the mushroom people are incapable of violence. Okay, I buy that. But are they also incapable of releasing spores which cause hallucinogenic effects that might make Walrus Men think they're being attacked by the tiny penis people?

Or perhaps some other paranoid theory that will lead to The Warmonger!

And it does lead to The Warmonger! Was this maniac in this comic book early on? He seems familiar enough but fuck if I can remember him. Anyway, he's convinced all of Exeter's people that the only way to feel secure is to go to war with anybody that they can't control. You know, once again, this is starting to sound like an analogy about America!

Kyle doesn't recognize him. Perhaps I remember him from some awful Pre-Crisis DC Comics Presents issue. Or maybe he's just such a Mongul clone that I can't help but feel like I know him from somewhere.

Warmonger is yet another creature that can withstand or absorb Lantern Energy, so Kyle has a bit of a rough time with him. When did everybody in the Universe become immune to Lantern Rings? I suppose it's the natural state of evolution. Like cockroaches becoming immune to bug spray, generation after generation. It was bound to happen with countless races being exposed to the Energy Spectrum across millions of years.

In the end, Exeter and Kyle and Carol did not have to defeat Warmonger themselves because they couldn't The Bohemian Guardians were busy re-hacking the Kalimawan Think Tanks so that they'd come to their senses and realize that they were lied to. So like an American Populace finally having enough with politicians yanking their fear chains and riling everybody up for war while those same politicians fill their pocketbooks with blood money, the Kalimawans revolt against Warmonger and, to get technical, beat the shit out of him.

Warmonger is revealed to be just a back-up of some greater being's consciousness, a being that will be coming in some future cosmic crisis where the information they torture out of Warmonger will be needed to defeat the greater being. Come on, Justin Jordan! You're all over the place with your analogies! Is America evil but torture is okay if it keeps America at bay? I know you hate America now that I've read the last two issues of New Guardians, so you're probably against torture. Besides, nobody is torturing anybody. I just jumped to conclusions so I could make up a fake argument to have with an author that isn't reading my words anyway. But know this, Justin Jordan: I get what you're saying. *wink*

Shove your Lifeshare up your ass. Can't Carol just be Kyle's teammate? Can she only ever be the romantic foil of a Green Lantern?

New Guardians #27 Rating: No change. Seriously. Can we not just have Carol and Kyle cracking jokes with each other as they road trip across the galaxy with their stuffy old Guardians? Maybe I wouldn't mind if they fucked on occasion since they'll be the only two humans in space and adult humans cannot live without orgasming on each other. So that's expected. But romance? Icky poo poo!

Birds of Prey #27

Don't say Condor. Please don't say Condor!

This cover almost became my favorite cover of the entire New 52 before I realized that was Kurt Lance dead in Black Canary's arms and not Condor. Fucking Condor. I should devote an entire blog to my hatred of Condor. I might even abandon this one so I can just post about all the things I'd like to do to Condor on a daily basis. I can't even function normally anymore since I'm consumed with ways I'd kill Condor. Fuck! I hate him so much! I hate him so much that some people might suggest that my hatred is actually love! But they're wrong. Unless pouring molten steel into another man's anal sphincter is a loving act. Which it might be. But not in this case! I hate that Goddamned Condor!

Is it wrong for me to express my hatred for Condor? Am I hurting the Condor fandom's feelings? You know? I don't fucking care. Fuck them too! If, and I can't even imagine this to be true but I'll throw this if carelessly out there anyway, a Condor Fandom actually exists, they can fuck right the fuck off this planet right now! Yes, I am Earth's Landlord and I'm evicting the Condor Fandom. We've allowed them to dwell among us for long enough. It's time to rise up and root them out! If you see one, just point at them and scream shrilly at them. I'm not sure what the next part is. I think that part of the plan is the question marks. So this is the plan if you see a Condor Fan:

1. Point.
2. Scream Shrilly.
3. ???
4. Pod Fit!

Alternately, you can just shove a wire right into the corner of their eye at an upward angle and wiggle that fucker around. That should cure them.

Why are people so bad at math?! Maybe it's just that word problems are difficult. But if Condor hasn't spoken two words than he can't have spoken two words more than Black Canary has spoken. Unless she's been speaking backwards and backwards words count as negative words.

Speaking of bad math, my favorite part of the Superbowl (although I slept through most of it so I should probably clarify it was my favorite part of the miniscule amount I saw) was when Troy or Joe looked at the 29-0 score and said, "Simply doing the math, the Broncos are going to need four touchdowns and three two-point conversions." No, you idiot. You are stupid. That's definitely doing the math although you're doing the math wrong, you simple-minded fool. Yes, the numbers you threw out there add up to thirty points. But you also forget that you still have one more one-point conversion to add to the score which would result in 29-31. Which means you have one point more than you need. Which means you only need two two-point conversions. You stupid fuck.

Why the hell, half-asleep, did I even notice that? I bet it perked me up right out of a dream because the only thing I do well is pointing out when people are being stupid when they think they're being clever. I can't be clever myself! But I sure as hell can drag everybody else back down to my level with acerbic comments and cynical bullshit. I bet those two assholes in the Super Booth were Condor fans.

Must be a pretty quiet flight back from Basilisk Headquarters since Strix has probably said less words than Black Canary! And then who the fuck would Batgirl be speaking with so I'm guessing she hasn't said anything either! So why even bring up how weirdly quiet Condor is compared to everybody else? Probably because that asshole can't help hitting on Black Canary every few seconds. "So, you fuckin' like me yet or what?"

Upon arriving back in Gotham, the helicopter lands on an offshore floating base instead of at the Gotham City Airport where Batgirl left her motorcycle. Oh man, she is going to be pissed! All she asked the Convenient Man was to watch her Goddamned Batgirlcycle and he fucked that shit up. It's probably been sold for parts by now. Really deadly, flame-throwing parts!

Oh yes. That's the proper way to say, "Thank you, Convenient Man and his Military Goons, for paying all the costs and figuring out all the logistics to get Batgirl and Strix to South America so they could save Black Canary and her husband." I guess Black Canary doesn't know any better since nobody spoke two words to her on the flight home. And Strix's natural setting is "Violent." But come on, Batgirl! Stop being such a Condor!

The Convenient Man's Boss is Black, Blind, Older, Female Charles Xavier in a Track Suit. In other words, she's the Wise Old Woman that Black Canary and Condor have both met in the past.

Her name is Ass Mother Eve. Or something.

So this Abigail Freemantle of Hemingford Home, Nebraska uses her shining ability to convince the Birds of Prey that she's a wise old woman willing to help them for no ulterior motive. M-O-O-N! That spells "Actually there probably is an ulterior motive because she probably needs help battling a Dark Man!"

The way Batgirl goes on and on about how she instinctively trusts Mother Eve makes me believe Mother Eve is a truly good character. Because usually when a Batperson feels an instinctive trust of someone, they immediately become suspicious of that person. Maybe Batgirl figures if Mother Eve is up to something, she can easily break her neck with one well placed batkick. Not that she'd ever want to kick an old blind woman. But, you know, if it comes down to it, she'll be ready. She killed her own brother for Christ's sake!

I didn't take the Lord's name in vain in that last paragraph. I just typo'd "for Christy's sake" and don't feel like fixing it. It's okay though because Jesus knows what's in my heart! Blood and other gross crap! But luckily he can also see the information stored in my brain as electronic signals!

Fucking great. Strix, the strongest member of the team, has regressed to five years old!

Mother Eve explains that she's practically an immortal although that power is fading fast. She's been around a long time and everybody on the ship, she says, are her children. "Save you three," she says. So either the bad math continues or she's just fucking ignoring Condor the way I'm trying to. Like how I cropped him out of the scan above! Ha ha! Dick!

Mother Eve reveals that she is battling a Dark Man! Ra's al Ghul! She thinks he's coming for her and she needs protection. That's why she saved Batgirl and Black Canary! Because they're too nice to tell her to stuff it!

Uplink also appears on the ship because I said she was going to become a Bird of Prey. She hasn't switched to a Bird-Themed Name yet so it might be a bit too early to raise my level to Superior Master. I guess I should hold out until she's definitely part of the team and she changes her name to Feathers or Oracle. She does refuse the name Uplink immediately though! And with her bright pink and blue plumage, I bet she chooses Flamingo! And then people can go, "What the fuck? Why are you called 'Flaming O?'" Maybe she'll choose the name Bird of Paradise. Or just Paradise. Or maybe Pair of Dice and she'll use her mind powers to win lots of money gambling. Unless she goes by (and this will really be my last guess before I move on to hate on Condor some more) Windfall! Remember Windfall?! That was my guess previously!

Yeah! Tie him up and then throw him overboard! But shoot him in the face first!

Condor decides to tell his tale and he begins by pointing out that he's Native American. You think that's going to keep me from bashing the fuck out of you, Condor? Although it probably will get me in trouble since I really wanted to say "Fuck you and the Wakį́yą you rode in on!" Good thing I know better than to say racist shit like that!

Condor points out how he was hired by the NSA because they seemed to believe all Native Americans were good "code-talkers." Coincidentally, Condor just happened to be good with languages and wound up being a pretty decent code-talker. Sure, call out a respectable organization like the NSA for making a good call by calling their reasoning "quaint" and by "quaint" I know you meant "racist as fuck." The NSA is just trying to keep us all safe from things! Very scary things! You must think so too, right Condor? Or why would you go work for them? Just because they recruited you didn't mean you had to work for them. Or was the pay just high enough to pay for your abandonment of your ethics? I'm not judging! We've all got a number! It's just most of us can walk around saying that we would never give up our beliefs for any amount because who the fuck is offering us anything?! For the right price, I'm kicking my cat straight through the fucking window!

I hope I get some offers! Maybe I should start a Kickstarter.

Anyway, Condor eventually lost his job with the NSA because he was bad at it. Or because he was crippled with headaches. I was just reading between the lines. Because Condor was wracked with crippling pain and he'd lost his job, he decided to throw himself off of a bridge. Oh, really? It wasn't because you'd sold your fucking soul to a shitty government job and gave up everything you believed in for a hefty paycheck? Just asking because I don't believe anything you say, asshole. You're the worst character ever created by any comic book company, so I don't trust a single thing you're saying.

Here are more of his lies.

Condor became part of Regulus's Super Person Extradition and Reeducation Machine. They named him Poltergeist because why wouldn't a boring ass piece of shit like Condor decide to change his name from something kick ass to something mundane? But Condor never liked being part of the team because DammerHown and CripWhack were vicious assholes. Eventually Regulus fucked an old woman in front of Condor and he'd decided he had enough. The kink level was way to high for a white bread lover of vanilla ice cream like Condor. He had to get out of there so he could go back to a boring government job where he could live an exciting life by spying on other people. So he ditched Tsiklon because she loved to fuck in weird positions like "on top" and "from behind." But she didn't want him to go, so she and her cohorts beat him near to death. But Condor survived, got some new technology from some jerk he helped escape Basilisk, and decided on a newer and stupider name.

Thus ends the Secret Origin of Condor! Forgive me if you killed yourself for having to read that much about him. It was a close call for me having to type it all out. But luckily the Non-Certified Spouse found me and got help before I completely bled out.

After Condor finishes his story, the Birds of Prey hold a vote to see if he can be their new member. Batgril and Strix vote yes because they're stupid fuckfarts. But Black Canary knows just what to say to hurt Condor's stupid feelings! Ha ha!

I like that the sentiment hurts Condor's heart but I don't like that she doesn't care if he stays. Boo!

I just remembered that Mother Eve isn't blind but that I figured, in an earlier issue, that the only way she'd appear wiser is if she were blind. Just thought I should clear that up.

Condor flies off to pout but he only gets to do it for half a page because Gothtopia interrupts the narrative. I don't know if he originally was going to get more pages to whine and cry (I'd expect it from him!) if Gothtopia wasn't butting it's happy face into this comic book. But now the Birds of Prey need to go investigate the strange, non-violent threat taking over Gotham. Well, all of the Birds of Prey that are left in the group after Batgirl decides that Black Canary has quit to sit at the side of her brain-dead husband. Why is she picking Kurt when she can have a brain-dead lover with a working penis in Condor? Anyway, next month Gothtopia and The Wings of Truth!

Birds of Prey #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why did I really like this issue? Was it because I got to shit all over Condor while he waited beneath my anus moaning, "Mmmm! Mmmm! More! Right in my mouth! Right in it!" Maybe he wouldn't say that. I did kind of portray him as kinkless, didn't I? I also think ... Wait. Really? You really think I'd kick my cat through a window or give up my beliefs for mere cash? You're fucking crazy. Cash and poontang though? Now we're talking!

Wonder Woman #27

Was it obnoxious that as a kid I used to sing "Wounded Woman!" to the Wonder Woman theme song?

If you haven't noticed by now with all of my variations on songs by sticking "Animal Man" in them and my different renditions of the Spider-Man Theme Song, I have this disease where I'm unable to sing the correct lyrics to songs. The Non-Certified Spouse finds it both amusing and frustrating, depending on how much she really wants to hear the song playing at the moment. One of my favorite lyric changes I came up with is to Bryan Adams "We're In Heaven."

"Baby you're all I want when you're lying here in my arms!
I'm finding it hard to believe you're just seven.
And love is all I need! And I found it there in your heart!
It isn't hard to see. You're just seven."

Okay, maybe that one is a tiny bit inappropriate and disgusting. But it still makes me giggle. The other one that makes me giggle like an idiot is to sing "Broken Arms" to Journey's "Open Arms." I'm pretty sure this is some form of Tourette's. I'm waiting for the proper medication to be advertised during Wheel of Fortune so I, and all the others that suffer with this problem, can be cured.

The story so far...Wonder Woman has been completely ignoring her personal life while she's busy cleaning up all the collateral damage caused by Zola fucking a truck driver that just happened to be Zeus disguised as a semi-truck driving man-pig. Any other friend would feel a little bit put out by now but Wonder Woman is such a sweet and compassionate killer that she doesn't mind. Plus it gives her a good excuse to walk out on Clark in the morning without having to have another boring conversation about goodness and light over badly cooked waffles and thick ass coffee.

Oh! Last issue's cover was just one month early! Now The First Born is taking that shit.

I just noticed that last month I wrote my Wonder Woman commentary on 1/1/2014 and today I'm writing it on 2/2/2014! I think that means something to people that believe in nonsense like numerology and Creationism.

Apollo is busy torturing The First Born because he's an idiot that should be more careful when it comes to prophecies. Being a Greek God, he really should know better. But instead he thinks he's won and he has the upper hand and no way is he about to lose the throne and, very possibly, die messily. The First Born knows that's probably what's going to happen though which is why he's got a huge smile on his face at the end of this scene. Either that's why or he just passed that massive stool he's been straining over.

Meanwhile Diana has actually decided to deal with her own life for a bit by taking a trip to see the family on Paradise Island! Too bad the family have all been turned into snakes. Really though. This isn't that different from every other family reunion that mortals attend over the holidays. But Diana is going to be really upset when she realizes that in the short amount of time she decides to take care of her own business, Zola has run off and gotten herself kidnapped by Dionysus.

Oh. Actually Diana is taking this family moment because she's lost Zola. The linearity of a story doesn't always remain so linear in my head. Or maybe there were some between issue moments that are merely hinted at. It's hard to know when I can't retain every single detail of the previous comic books and my commentaries are mostly me blabbing about food and masturbation instead of the details that would actually help me keep track of the fucking story.

Meanwhile Zola is in France hanging out with Dionysus. At some point, a bunch of young men and women arrive to go hunting for "truffles" with Dionysus.

Is this going to end with Zola being ripped apart?

Meanwhile Cassandra decides to go hunting truffle hunters because she needs a god to get her into Olympus so she can rescue The First Born. You know, she should be thanking Lennox for crushing her throat and ruining her power because at least people believe the things she says now.

Wonder Woman is searching for a god as well. She needs a Hunter because Zola and Zeke are untraceable now thanks to Strife's gift she gave to the baby. So Diana seeks out the Goddess of the Hunt, Artemis. Also known as Moon. Also known as the god whose ass Wonder Woman kicked so why would she be willing to help her? Also known as Sailor Venus's cat.

To the death?

Wonder Woman barely even tries and Moon isn't really that surprised that Diana submits so easily. Moon wants something from Diana so she accepts the fake fight's outcome. But Wonder Woman smiles much the same way that The First Born did earlier, so she's getting what she wants by having Moon think she's getting what she wants by thinking she's giving Wonder Woman what she wants. I think. I'm confused. Anyway, Wonder Woman just fought a bear!

Meanwhile on Olympus, Apollo finds himself fighting a bear as well. But the bear is actually The First Born. So it's not as exciting as I made it sound at first. Especially for all of you deviants that are into bear-bating. Sicko pervs!

Oh wait. It's bear-baiting. Well, that's completely different. Never mind.

Back in France, Dionysus's friends turn into pigs and scare Zola away. Also joining the Truffle Hunt? Cassandra and her pet Minotaur! Except their hunt is for Dionysus.

Wonder Woman #27 Rating: No change. Everybody is Kung Fu Hunting! Diana and Artemis after Zola and Zeke. Cassandra and her Minotaur after Dionysus and The First Born. Dionysus after Truffles. Hera after somebody to pray to. The First Born after Apollo. Apollo after allegiance. This issue should have been called Hunting the Hunters Who Are Hunting Hunting Hunters instead of "The Unsettling Son" which is actually a nice little play on words and godhoods and celestial bodies and shit.

Supergirl #27

Not as creative a way to defeat Lobo as Hitman came up with but I think it'll do.

When does Supergirl get to become a Superwoman? I bet that's why Supergirl was killed in Crisis on Infinite Earths way back in ancient history. Because DC's Editors were sitting around going, "Why the fuck is she still calling herself Supergirl? She's like 49 at this point!" And they all laughed uproariously and lit their cigars and said, "Why do people even bother buying a comic book with 'Supergirl' when there's a comic book on the shelf right next to it called 'Superman'?" And then they all slapped each other on the butts and went off to try to fuck their secretaries.

Everything I needed to know about corporate culture and their entitled sexism, I learned from watching "Three's a Crowd." Holy fuck that show was a train wreck if the train were full of delicious candy and it wrecked right outside of my house, spilling its glorious treats all across my yard. Looking the show up on Wikipedia, it says that the show created such a backlash that it fucked Chuck Barris's career right in the ass in the not good way. The Wikipedia article states that it received backlash from the National Organization of Women as well as United Auto Workers. I'm sure NOW hated it because it was pitting women against each other and characterizing women as secretaries and wives and only being portrayed as a man's accessories. UAW probably hated the show because a lot of their wives began asking questions about all of those business trips they'd been taking lately with their secretaries.

But Supergirl is still alive so far in The New 52 and her comic book is about three hundred times better than Superman's comic book. She even killed Twat Lobo last issue which would have been very exciting for me if I didn't know Lobo's super secret power! He can regenerate! Yep, I know all the secret facts of the DC Universe.

Looks like Dr. Veritas knows nearly as much as I do!

Keep in mind, Doctor Veritas is an Omniologist. That means she's gotten her Doctorate in everything. And yet her knowledge of a Czarnian's regenerative ability rests on some gossip she once overheard during a Yoga class on Thanagar. When Lobo comes to and kills the clones that are dissecting him, will Doctor Veritas have to give back her doctorate degree? I doubt The University of Phoenix will demand it back but I will no longer be calling her doctor.

For some reason, Supergirl feels bad that she killed Lobo when she punched him in the face. Really? Perhaps you should have been prepared for this eventuality when you decided that a right hook was going to be your standard way of saying, "Nice to meet you! I'm Supergirl!"

What? When has Supergirl ever walked on an eggshell?! Omniologist my ass! More like Fraudgeeologist!

Shay Veritas tells Supergirl a little bit about herself because Tony Bedard decided he should explain some of the stupid things Scott Lobdell made up about Doctor Veritas. Turns out, The Eternal Maelstrom once mentioned off-hand in that special way that Scott Lobdell has of mentioning things off-hand because the only way he knows how to write is to link weird words together and pretend they're some kind of cosmic whatsit! The bottom line is that Shay cannot leave The Block in the center of the Earth and all of her doctors look like her. Totally makes sense if you understand anything Stephen Hawking says.

Remember when Hawking said he was going to put his dick in the mashed potatoes? That was awesome.

Also Twat Lobo comes back to life. Surprise!

Know who is most surprised? Supergirl! She's so surprised that she's knocked unconscious by a really loud sound. Man, I so get that. Fuck sounds! Sounds are the worst. Although smells can be pretty bad. Sounds and smells are definitely the worst! Of course, touching is kind of disgusting too. So sounds, smells, and touches are the worst!

Shay isn't as surprised as Supergirl because she was studying regular Lobo and trying to figure out what the fuck he was before he escaped from his containment center in Aspen, Colorado. So now Shay has lured Twat Lobo into "Xenocontainment Module 5" in the hopes that she won't be killed by him.

Is that this Xeno's name? Blaze? I think I'm going to begin entering rooms like this. "Tess!" No wait! That was too flamboyant. It'll be more like "Tess."

I think the main difference between Reboot Blaze and Preboot Blaze is that Reboot Blaze has chosen to lay off the hair straightener.

It could just be that "Xenocontainment Module 5" is hyper-humid.

Blaze will only help Shay if Shay releases her but Shay is too stupid to understand. Or too smart. Is it a good idea to let some dangerous demonic entity free just to save your ass from a dangerous non-demonic entity? It's the age old question! Shay decides to go "Hunh? What?" instead of making a deal and then Twat Lobo arrives. That's when Shay learns that Twat Lobo isn't trying to kill her. I wonder if Twat Lobo will change his mind when he realizes Shay Veritas keeps trying to kill him using Supergirl?

Really? So basically, screaming in somebody's ears really loudly justifies killing in Supergirl's world? Good to know.

Supergirl #27 Rating: No change. Don't get me wrong! I think Twat Lobo's greatest offense if being Twat Lobo! Please! By all means necessary! Kill the Twat Bastiche! Also, I made a new recipe this morning which I called "Chillet Mit Cheese Und Peppers." It's Chile Millet with Peppers and Cheese. I did not take a picture of it because it was delicious.

Guess what? Another freaking issue of Supergirl that didn't highlight her bum in a single panel! I miss Mahmud Asrar so much!

Batman and Two-Face #27

Does everybody else also pronounce different fonts with different voices?

Last issue, Batman was trapped in a grave under a marble statue. That's it for the wrap up! Time to feel sort of confused and not that entertained by this Two-Face and Erin McKillaman story. I suppose I don't really care about Two-Face and Erin's drama. Bringing Batman into the middle of it only makes it mildly more interesting. This is not an objective review of this story. It very well might be an entertaining and well written piece. But I lost interest in it way back when I saw "Two-Face" where "Robin" used to be.

So this happens:

This is the part of the comic where Batman stops hanging from the cliff from last issue.

Batman has a moment where he remembers all of the other issues that he's been in lately that also did not star Robin. Thanks a lot, Grant Morrison. Way to ruin a comic book title that I was really enjoying by killing one of the main characters. Jerko. Now I'm stuck reading five issues worth of Two-Face and Erin McKillertime constantly whining about the past. Is Batman in the middle of this so he can learn that living in the past is boring and makes for tedious stories? Is he finally going to get over Robin's death because he doesn't want to end up pouting and kicking the dirt and blaming others for all of his mistakes like these two jerks are doing?

Probably not because Batman's probably going to hunt down Ra's al Ghul and his Robin Factory soon.

Batman loses Harvey to more thugs but manages to save Erin McMckill. It's at that point that everybody is ready for another flashback.

I was going to scan something from the flashback but let me just summarize it because the fucking last couple of pages of this comic book are the best pages of The New 52 so far. So back at the beginning of all of the flashbacks that have been happening, Harvey Dent was the Family Attorney for the McKillen Clan. But Erin and Shannon tried to have Gordon assassinated right in front of his family but Gordon kills the assassins. Dent flips the fuck out and tells them he won't be a party to that kind of bullshit. They laugh at him because they know he's trapped in the job what with attorney/client privilege and all that jazz. But when Bruce Wayne talks to him about becoming the District Attorney, Harvey Dent agrees. In that position, he's able to help put the sisters behind bars which is why Erin blames him for Shannon's death. He was supposed to be on their side and he betrayed them.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get on with a few scans of some awesome shit. First, let me say that the first off, I'm fairly certain that Bueno Excellente appeared in Issue #3 of Batman, Inc. as one of Matches Malone's henchmen. Here's the brief appearance:

"The Living Death." I think that's a euphemism for male anal rape.

So at the end of this issue, Batman and Erin come up out of the sewers in an old bootlegging tunnel which happens to open up inside a familiar old bar in The Cauldron.

The guy with the fake hand is Hacken, one of the only survivors of the Hitman series. He cut off his own hand when it was bitten by a zombie seal. I think it was a seal. It was definitely a zombie.

"Closing Time" was, I believe, the name of the last story arc in Hitman as well. Fitting, of course, and I'm sure Tomasi is paying tribute to that with Hacken's words. The name Ryan doesn't mean anything to me but it's probably a call back to something I've forgotten.

As Batman is about to leave, Two-Face appears tied up on the television with a voice-over stating that he will be the first of Gotham's evils to be eradicated. And that's where the issue ends. But that's not the most important part of the final page. This is:

The picture in the lower corner is Natt the Hat, Hacken, and Tommy Monoghan, aka Hitman. The round, partial picture to the right of the television is Baytor, the Bartender from Hell. Next to that is Section 8 with Sixpack, Dog-Welder, The Defenestrator, Bueno Excellente, Friendly Fire, and the guy that spit all the time. I can't remember his name. And beneath that is Sean Noonan himself, original owner of the bar. And the tape inside the machine with "LOBO" scrawled on it is footage of Bueno Excellente in a wedding dress teaching Lobo the meaning of the term "The Living Death."

The sad part about all of this is that it means Hitman has had his time in The New 52 and it ran out years ago. It's possible Ringo Chen could appear at some point, maybe becoming The New 52 Hitman since he was just as good and possibly better at killing than even Tommy himself. I'm happy to see Tomasi acknowledge one of the most fun (if a bit gruesome at times, and deadly serious at others) comic book series of the Preboot Years. And I like to think that Hacken watches the shit out of Lobo and Bueno's wedding night.

Batman and Two-Face #27 Rating: No change. As I said before, I'm not super interested in this story. But fuck if I can't thank Tomasi enough for that bit of Hitman Nostalgia he infused into this comic book. It's nice to know that Noonan's Sleazy Bar and Hacken are still out their in a little section of Gotham called The Cauldron.