Hitman #19 (October 1997)

It's unrealistic that Catwoman's suit would never get torn where we could see some of the good bits.

Hitman #19 (August 20th, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

Getting old is a constant struggle to not be overwhelmed by the daily increase in the already much too short distance to the end of it all. Sometimes life feels like that whole rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic saying. When you're young and the Titanic has yet to leave its berth, you have plenty of time to rearrange the deck chairs no matter how pointless it might be. But when you're older, the futility of nearly everything comes screaming into your brain way too often to point out that no matter how you arrange them, they're going to wind up scattered across the bottom of the ocean, broken and forgotten. But every day, I simply put that thought out of my mind and I recite the mantra that keeps me upbeat and jovial: "Today is not that day."

Also I'm only 54! I shouldn't be this dramatic about death! But I was the same way in my early 20s which seems such a shame. Stop writing depressing poetry about the inevitability of death and go get laid, you emo freak! Sometimes I feel like I've always been that one character's parents in that one book by Steinbeck (Pastures of Heaven, I believe it was) where he comments that they're only living to live longer. Like What's-His-Name from Catch-22 who always wanted to be bored so that his life would seem longer and Yossarian was all, "But what's the point in living longer if your life isn't worth living?" And the character whose name I can't remember not because my brain is old but because I've always had an issue with names responds, "What else is there?"

Was that Dunbar? Did I my brain finally get me there?! Or am I just naming characters whose name I suddenly remembered?! It certainly wasn't Alfie. He was the psycho who killed prostitutes in Rome, right?!

Speaking of death, Etrigan arrives and fucks up everything for everybody instead of bringing the rifle that was supposed to save their lives.

Yes, Etrigan just melted down the church's crucifix, Jesus and all. He is a true hero.

The problem with Etrigan shitting all over the graven images inside this church is that it instantly deconsecrates the entire grounds. Which seems weird if you ask me. But why would you ask me, a person who knows nothing about the dogma and propaganda of religious views and only the stark written word supposedly behind those views. Look, I'm just an areligious cynic but if you're going to say to me, "One of God's laws — one of His most major laws in that He only made ten of them so His people could find it easy to do as He says — is that 'Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image blah blah blah' and then you said, 'Look at these two religions based on this same Book. One of them takes this law of God seriously and the other one is all, "Who wants more images of God and angels and Jesus and God's prophets! Many of them covered in gold leaf, baby!"'", I would have to believe the one taking the law so seriously that it will even murder infidels for making graven images was the more holy religion. The other one is just clown school. So if you burn a sculpture of a clown that wasn't supposed to exist anyway and it somehow makes the holiness of your circus less viable, my head is done in. So the graven image was keeping the church safe from demons and devilry? The idolatry was the load bearing pillar of your sacred ground?! Well, you might be able to see why this poor areligious rube could only shake their head and think, "Tha' fuck's going on, mate?"

Tommy offers to swap Etrigan's heart (which Blood has stored in a box to control Etrigan) for the Ace of Winchesters. But neither one will give over their half of the swap first because one can't be trusted and the other can't trust the one that can't be trusted. See? Stalemate! Meanwhile, Mawzir has realized the church was deconsecrated and has moved in on Tommy and his friends with all ten guns blazing. Not surprisingly, Mawzir doesn't hit anybody with any of the bullets fired from those ten guns because how the fuck do you aim ten guns at the same time with only one brain? And a stupid idiot Nazi brain at that! Knowing that Mawzir will eventually accidentally shoot somebody in a necessary organ, Tommy and friends escape into the crypts under the church. You know, like all churches have under them. Right? Has every vampire movie in existence been lying to me about that? I can't imagine they were.

Getting a hernia has never been sexier.

Once in the crypt, Tommy uses his mindreading powers to see what Etrigan and Mawzir are up to which gives John McCrea a chance to create this nifty little panel:

Just for those without access to the previous panels, Etrigan was hanging upside down from a bit of rubble while speaking with Mawzir. So he's already in the correct position to merge his head with Tommy's in a visual metaphor for the mind reading bit. Just an eloquent little detail by McCrea.

Tommy's little mindread of Etrigan doesn't end so well for him as Etrigan gives him a minor embolism when he shoves Tommy's mind out of his. But don't worry! He's given enough time to recover by Section Eight as they wade into battle against Mawzir and his Gotham henchmen! I'm sure Section Eight can get the job done without too many deaths. I mean, I know they can't get the job done but they can be a distraction as probably half of them get ripped to shreds.

As Section Eight charges into battle, Hitman scores another first for a mainstream DC comic book: A man jerking off onto the wall of a deconsecrated church on-panel.

I'm not sure the editors truly understood the vileness of Bueno Excellente when they went over Garth's scripts.

If you're one of those people who choose to believe the world is the way they want the world to be instead of relying on the evidence of what the world really is all around you, you might try to convince me that I have no idea whether or not Bueno Excellente is jerking off. But then I'd either point out the motion lines and his body language and all the evidence of his first appearance last issue or I would simply walk away and never talk to you again because speaking with you is basically the same as conversing with a bowl of banana pudding. Actually worse because at least the bowl of banana pudding smells nice.

The first thing Sixpack does is disembowel a violent Gotham criminal with a broken bottle. This is the guy Sean and the others down at Noonan's don't take seriously?! He's a fucking maniac! I mean that in the figurative way because he's so violent and not in the literal way which of course he is as well. The whole team is mentally ill and deranged which is why they're called Section Eight. And they're not the online kind of mentally ill which results in compassionate hugs from strangers and, for some reason, a dwindling number of usable spoons! These guys are Garth Ennis mentally ill.

Canonically, Batman has to know about these guys. And he just lets them do their thing.

Mawzir's so confused by these oddballs that he can only stare. Or he's afraid to turn his back on Etrigan. Maybe a lot of both of those.

The first member of Section Eight to be killed is Shakes because he's trying to call Sixpack a cunt and it wouldn't do to have him finish that stuttered word on-panel (even though we've already seen Bueno desecrating a church wall (except it was unconsecrated by Etrigan so I guess it's okay. Better than jerking off on a library wall, I suppose)). Shakes is killed by Friendly Fire which is somehow a surprise to Friendly Fire. Does he think that one day that won't happen? If he truly thought that, he'd change his name, right? Or does his mental well-being cause him to believe that his name means he's a friend who fires on enemies?

Oh, speaking of Bueno Excellente, Sixpack reveals his powers during the fight.

Okay. That's enough explaining. We don't need to get into the weeds about the difference between "perversion" and "sexual assault".

No wait. I think we do. The follow-up panel for the ones I scanned above must be documented. It has to be documented because I need to know what Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler were thinking when they let this bit of John McCrea art pass into the hands of DC Comics' fans. It's the most disturbing piece of art in the history of DC Comics! Some banana puddings might argue that the panel doesn't actually show anything. But the whole point of the panel is the framing of it! This panel at the top of the page, cut off by further action panels underneath, is screaming, "There is a guy bent over in front of Bueno Excellente who just learned what it feels like to have a Twinkie explode inside of your butthole!" How were Peter and Dan not fired? How have they not gone down in history as being the worst editors to ever work at DC?! No wonder Peter Tomasi wrote a comic book for The New 52 where a twelve year old couldn't get enough of decapitating people!

Anyway, here's the panel which despite all of my arguing that it should never have appeared in a mainstream DC Comic book, I absolutely love and approve of!

Fucking McCrea. You Goddamned legend.

After Bueno finishes his act of justice, Mawzir decides he's had enough. He tosses a bomb into Section Eight's midst and puts an end to the team. I don't know how many died in the explosion but maybe all of them except Sixpack and Bueno?

The blast also breaks a hole into the crypt so it looks like Tommy's time has just run out. Which is also when Baytor shows up having ridden along with Etrigan out of hell inside Etrigan's cloak. Or something. Perhaps, judging by Baytor's shape, he just stowed away inside of Etrigan's foreskin. Etrigan chastises Baytor because Etrigan is hiding other important things inside of his penis too. I guess he's hinting at the Ace of Winchesters which Tommy might think twice about touching now that it's been revealed that it's covered in Hell's dickcheese. But also revealed is that Baytor probably has the rifle now. That's revealed in the same way that it was revealed that Bueno jerked off and that Bueno anally raped a guy during the battle. Not directly but anybody with a skull that wasn't full of banana pudding could figure out from all the context.

That's kind of the biggest problem with most people, isn't it? They just don't get context. Or they ignore it. Or they were told their entire lives by a society steeped in rules and religions that context doesn't matter at all. It is foundational rules which you must follow without question that matter!

Although I'm wrong in this instance which is fine! It's fine to be wrong! Wrong just means you were thinking about things before those things ultimately resolved. So at least some thinking other than "These Vanilla Wafers sure do feel nice inside of me!" is a good thing! Even if you're wrong. Also, as long as you can admit you were wrong later and accept it rather than doubling down on your idiocy and wrongness!

Oh! Baytor probably has the bullets! Is that me doubling down on my idiocy?! No way! I never do that!

The Ranking!
Come on! Bueno Excellente shines in this issue! How was he not the greatest comic book character of 1997?! How did Bueno not lead directly to an Eisner for both Ennis and McCrea?! Where is the justice in this world?!

Hitman #18 (September 1997)

Not a single editor cared that Sixpack is covered in piss stains on the cover?

Hitman #18 (July 23, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carlan Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea and Josh Myers
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

The credits on Page 2 have a "Created by" line: Dog Welder created by Steve Dillon. But it doesn't say why Dog Welder was created by Steve Dillon. I have a feeling Garth and Steve were out drinking and Steve dared Garth Ennis to create a character named Dog Welder. Or John and Steve were hanging out in a seedy motel doodling on open condom wrappers while Garth strangled a prostitute in the tub and Steve came up with Dog Welder and they couldn't stop giggling and John was all, "I'm fucking using this shite, mate." Then Garth yelled from the bathroom, "You lads had better not be making up funny characters without me!" And the prostitute was all, "No! Please, Warren! Not again!"

The issue begins with Sixpack recruiting his old team to help save Tommy and the neighborhood gang. He begins with his old mate, Friendly Fire. That doesn't sound like an auspicious start. Not that the cover or Sixpack himself (or the fact that I've read this before) had me convinced he was going to recruit a competent team. But working with a guy named Friendly Fire? That implies Sixpack ideates suicide. Or does his severe alcoholism imply that?

Baytor's character design was definitely based on a hot dog.

I really wish I had my Demon comics in Portland with me. I suppose I should visit my mother and pretend it's not just so that I can ship all of my comics still in her basement up to Oregon.

You can tell that nobody I love reads this blog because I don't mind writing shit like that.

Sixpack recruits his next team member and it reveals something about me: I'm a naïve piece of shit who is also dumb as fuck.

My first thought: "So Sixpack's team is full of disabled people?" My second thought: "Holy fuck. Section Eight. The military definition! Of course. You stupid dumb motherfucker piece of shit idiot asshole. You should have died in your mother's womb. Useless. Existence was wasted on you, you dumb chud."

In my defense, in America, we have a thing called "Section 8" housing which is subsidized housing for people in need. Somehow I have always innocently ignored how truly fucked up Sixpack and his friends were and just assumed the "Section Eight" name was because they were all drunk idiots living in poverty! I didn't realize Garth Ennis was making fun of the mentally disabled! Twenty-five year old me would have appreciated that much more than tired old fifty-four year old me. Not that I don't appreciate it! The DC Universe needs disabled representation! I just have to wonder what the fuck Shakes' super power is. It probably doesn't matter because I don't think he survives this story arc.

The graffiti on the wall in Shakes' alley pays homage to this blog thirteen years before this blog existed.

For those scratching their heads, you have to spell it out to hear it. Eat S-H-I-T. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea.

In Hell, Etrigan's getting his ass kicked by the Arkannone. I blame his current lack of a heart and Hell's out-of-control Stand Your Ground laws. They're only slightly less abhorrent than Florida's. Etrigan winds up blasted into a skeleton. He doesn't die for a number of reasons that you can probably come up with yourself. Like how he's in Hell and how do you die in Hell or he's a powerful demon with regenerative powers. Or, you know, this is a fucking comic book.

Sixpack gathers up his third member of Section Eight: The Defenestrator. He's currently in Arkham for throwing a cop out of the same window fourteen times in a row.

Now this guy seems competent! Plus he fucks up cops! A true hero!

I can't say for certain that I learned the term defenestrate from this comic book or from a Kurt Vonnegut novel I was reading about the same time. I forget which novel it was in but it must have featured Kilgore Trout. I seem to remember it was a Trout story about a society that used defenestration as their punishment for capital crimes. It's also possible I heard it from any number of sources as it seemed to be a term fully in the zeitgeist in the late '90s. I have no idea why. It was like all the word nerds moved on from antidisestablishmentarianism to defenestrate at the exact same time, probably due to alien influence.

Back in the church, Tiegel's going crazy seeing Tommy talking to a basically naked woman with cat ears. She acts like she doesn't care but Tommy is all, "I wish you'd care!" And Tiegel is all, "Oh fuck me. He's a murderer and emotionally mature?! Tha fuck am I going to do?!" Maybe when you're on the verge of dying all the time, you learn to not waste time. You hear Foreigner's "Head Games" on the radio and you shoot the fucking speakers full of holes because you can't stand to hear immature nitwits losing out on love because they've put up too many walls. Oh, that's another time you shoot out the speakers! When Pink Floyd comes on! But not all Pink Floyd, of course! Just that one where Roger Waters was all, "My mom makes me crazy so now I fuck whores and ideate suicide!"

Why have I now used the phrase "ideate suicide" twice in this blog? Brain, what are you planning? Legally, you're required to let the body know 24 hours in advance!

Sixpack's fourth member of Section Eight (not counting Sixpack himself which I would have if I'd started the sentence "The fifth member of Section Eight..." before introducing him) is Jean de Baton-Baton. I'm not sophisticated enough to know if that's a penis joke. I'm also not sophisticated enough to understand the joke Garth Ennis is making about Batman and Robin in Jean's first dialogue with Sixpack.

Is this a pedophilia joke?

Thinking maybe they'd have a theory of Jean de Baton-Baton's name on the DCFandom wiki, I checked in to see what they think. One thing they thought which I thought was funny enough to include here (even if I think it's wrong and I might choose to explain why later if I don't get too distracted) was this: "Of all the members of Section Eight [sic no comma sic not my fault] Jean de Baton-Baton is the most well adjusted. He doesn't suffer from any mental illnesses, [sic oh wait here's the comma never mind sic] other than being French." They did have one mistake though and I understand why because the font used on the marquee of the restaurant Jean works is a bit confusing. They list the restaurant Jean works at as being called "Mancer Les Chevaux". But that doesn't mean anything in French. It's obviously "Manger Les Chevaux" which means "Eat the Horses". So that's a French joke I understand!

My theory that Jean is just as mentally ill as the rest of Section Eight because he isn't actually French. He believes he's French which is why he's such a massive stereotype. Also he makes alcohol with paint stripper and serves horses to his customers! The guy's more crazy than Shakes who isn't crazy at all and just has a severe body tremor and stutter! We probably shouldn't put too much thought into Jean de Baton-Baton anyway because he won't be around for long. Spoiler!

Next up is Dogwelder which sounds exactly like you'd think and you saw him on the cover so we're just going to skip it while I contemplate how fucked up Steve Dillon was. Fittingly, one of the last things he ever did for DC was a cover for Sixpack and Dogwelder. He died in 2016 from complications from a burst appendix which I only found out now. Not that he had died but how he had died. Fuck. That sucks man. He was the age I am right now. Now I'm poking my appendix to make sure it's okay. "You all right down there, little guy? Not too many nail clippings in you, are there? Is that actually a thing? Everything I know about the appendix I probably learned from '70s sitcoms and that episode of Lost where Matt Shepherd takes out his own appendix. Or he has the elf lady do it. I forget!

Nobody ever asks how a person welds a dog to another person. Or maybe a lot of characters ask that but I don't think we're ever provided an answer other than "It's a comic book superpower, you need-to-know-everything buzzkill piece of shit!"

Fuck, man. Sorry I asked!

Next up, we meet Bueno Excellente.

Oh god. I should have scanned the Dogwelder page and skipped this freak.

Bueno Excellente's superpower is raping people. That's not a joke I just made; it's a joke Garth Ennis made in 1997. I'm just reporting the fucking facts, ya dig?! Anyway, Bueno never rapes anybody on-panel so I suppose Garth can point to that and say, "I never had him rape anybody! If Bueno raped anybody, it's because you imagined he did!" And, well, fair point, imaginary Garth. But every time you have a panel like the last panel on that page I scanned, where somebody is passed out and Bueno looks at them and says, "Bueno," well, um, you know what the next panel would have been if DC had allowed McCrea to draw it.

Would it be in poor taste to go as Bueno Excellente for Halloween this year? Not that anybody would recognize me. Or that anybody I knew would even think I was wearing a costume! Which maybe says too much about my physique and wardrobe and the amount I drool.

True Story (man, I probably shouldn't being a "True Story" paragraph after a Bueno Excellente introduction!): I've lost 40 pounds over the last year so I don't actually look like Bueno Excellente anymore. But I probably could have last October since I already have the child molester looking trench coat (even though it is Burberry. I bought it for $20 at a used clothing store for a New Year's Eve Party where the costume theme was San Francisco and I went as Philip K. Dick (I know he was in Berkeley but close enough!). For months after, I would get compliments on it everywhere I went while still thinking, "I got this because I thought it looked like a bum coat! How is it the height of fashion?!" I learned from my friend Doom Bunny's brother-in-law that it was actually worth about $600.).

Meanwhile in Hell, Etrigan destroys the Arkannone and recovers the Ace of Winchesters. Now instead of handing it over to Jason Blood and Tommy, he realizes he's got a bargaining chip to get his heart back. So I guess Tommy's plan hasn't quite worked out and instead Hitman and Friends will have to be saved by somebody else.

Tommy and Friends dead as ass.

The last member is that Peter Pan looking dude named Flemgem. He doesn't get much of an introduction which is why I skipped it. Sixpack just pukes a bunch and Flemgem is all, "Got it! I'm ready to go!"

Jason Blood lets Tommy know that Etrigan has the gun and then he's all, "It'll take some time for Hell Fed Ex to get the gun here." And Tommy is all, "Dude. I've seen you get things from Hell after spouting off two lines of rhyme. Don't bullshit me." And Jason Blood is all, "No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You don't know what it's like! I don't want to go to Hell anymore!"

Tommy Monaghan. The new Ozymandias.

So Tommy is all, "In Blackest Day! In Brightest Night! No Demon shall escape my sight! Something something nada something Etrigan!"

Etrigan appears and Tommy is all, "Okay. I changed my mind." And normally I'd scan that page showing Etrigan screaming out of Jason Blood's torn body in McCrea's nightmare style of Kirby's Demon. But there's a different image I wanted to capture and put on the Internet and save it in my special folder on my desktop which doesn't contain a .jpg called "buttfeet" at all and which auto deletes every 24 hours if I don't reset the timer. For no reason.

Oh man. Maybe Wertham was right. My innocence is definitely being seducted right now.

The Ranking!
We didn't get to see Section Eight at work this issue. But that's just caused my excitement level to rise to a fever pitch that must have driven me crazy when I was 25 as I waited a full month for the next issue. I'm sure next issue's cover will have something like "All Hell Breaks Loose!" on the cover or some shit. And it'll be one of the first times in comic book history where that was a true statement! Except I just checked and McCrea and Ennis did not choose to go that route. Instead, it just shows Tommy, Catwoman, and Nat all lying around like they're dead. So I guess summoning Etrigan doesn't really go according to plan?

Hitman #17 (August 1997)

Ah! There's my boy!

Hitman #17 (June 25, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I loved Etrigan so much in the '90s that I hunted down the first eight issues of Jack Kirby's Demon. That sentence just sounds like something people normally do so the impact I expected it to have isn't self-contained and probably needs more explanation. Right now, readers are just going, "Yeah, mate. That's what you fucking do. You like a character and you want to read more of them. What's your stupid fucking point? You're like the walking embodiment of Macbeth's final two lines of his 'Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow' soliloquy!" Ouch, imaginary reader! Anyway, it was a big deal for me to hunt down old comics because I mostly couldn't stand them. They were just too different from "modern" comics. And I couldn't abide difference in any form: movies, clothing, food, people. Give me the same meal with the same three friends and one pair of Levi jeans in a stupid logo t-shirt and I'm pretty fucking happy. But I needed more Etrigan! And guess what? Trying something different didn't kill me! Jack Kirby's visuals were like a foreign language to me. As far away from '80s style as I could imagine. Plus I wound up owning Klarion the Witch Boy's first appearance so I'm waiting for him and Teekl to make a big splash on the big screen so I can be fucking rich. Sure, I could have already been super wealthy from selling The Walking Dead #1 but I sort of missed the peak on selling that shit, right? Nobody cares about The Walking Dead anymore. Right? I can probably wipe my ass with that first issue now. Right? Please tell me I didn't make a huge mistake after that really messy shit last week. please?!

Just fell out of the rhythm of writing this blog post because YouTube's algorithm offered me up a short video of Henry Rollins describing his history with Nick Cave and I was all, "Yes, please!" And that's how I discovered And the Ass Saw the Angel by Nick Cave was published in America by Henry Rollins' publishing company. I should probably get around to reading that. I've owned it for so fucking long!

I wonder if I searched my blog for And the Ass Saw the Angel, I'd discover that I already discovered this information years ago and promptly forgot it? Most of the time when people ask me, "Did you know whatever?", I usually respond with, "It sounds familiar. I probably knew it at one point but my brain tossed the knowledge out almost immediately in favor of remembering another commercial jingle it just heard."

Tommy, Natt, Tiegel, Catwoman, and Jason Blood have been trapped inside a church by Mawzir and his Gotham criminal henchmen. Neither side seems to be able to get the upper hand so Tommy and his crew are probably going to need some outside help on this one. You're thinking, based on the cover, their savior will be Etrigan. But Garth Ennis has another idea in store. A really, really stupid idea!

I got on Guice's case for modelling Tangent Superman on Clyde the orangutan so I should probably dunk on McCrea for basing Sixpack on a pug.

Although why would I dunk on McCrea for that?! It's perfect work! A+ rendering of a pug in human form! I can practically smell it!

I'm glad my friend Daniel Justice doesn't read this blog or I'd probably have to grovel at his feet and apologize profusely for comparing pugs to Sixpack. It's been almost 30 years since I compared the Golden Girls to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when we went to see Alien: Resurrection and I still don't think he's forgiven me for it!

True Story (is this a regular bit now?! And are all my previous stories not preceded by "True Story" now suspect?!): When Daniel was at the University of Northern Colorado, he read my story, "A Really Scary Story", at a Halloween event in which Connie Willis was in attendance. So a Hugo Award winner once had to sit and listen to my bullshit for at least five minutes. Seriously, though, I hope she found it funny! I mean scary!

While Tommy tries to stay alive by shooting dozens of guys in their faces, he's having an argument with Jason Blood about maybe helping the situation by calling in his yellow friend. Maybe "helping" is he wrong word. Perhaps "changing" is better. Or "dumping gasoline all over everything and lighting a fart near it" is the exact phrase I was looking for. Jason Blood, realizing the situation is more desperate than asking Etrigan for help retrieving the Ace of Winchesters from Hell, agrees to say his cute little poem.

Technically, "Yes. Yes. Yyeeeesss!!", rhymes. But, to quote Alexander Pope, "It's a pretty arse poem."

The firefight at the church has attracted the attention of the Gotham police so they come screaming in, sirens blaring, doughnut farts filling their cars. But they never quite make it because they run into Judge Mawzir.

I already dig the way he looks and now he's killing cops? Can I admit to a favorite character decorated with swastikas?!

Etrigan currently doesn't rhyme which is why his "Yes. Yes. Yyeeeesss!!" poem was so terrible. He currently doesn't have the passion for it. That's because Jason Blood has torn out Etrigan's heart to keep in a little box in his jacket pocket with "Pocket Pussy" written in biro on a piece of masking tape slapped across the top. Perhaps getting his heart back is the reward for finding the Ace of Winchesters in Hell. It would explain why he was more excited than a hot dog in a ketchup factory. That was a dumb joke that doesn't make any sense but I just wanted to make it seem like hot dogs love ketchup to piss of any Chicagoans reading this.

True Story: I have been to Chicago once. I never left Midway International. I spent four hours there napping and needing to shit. I had lunch at a place in the terminal that sold hotdogs but was afraid to purchase one because I don't do mustard. Or relish. Or onions. I only do ketchup. I was afraid they would mock me and possibly beat the shit out of me. So I had a shitty chicken sandwich and fries instead.

Speaking of hotdogs, apparently one is ruling Hell right now:

BAYTOR!

I was kind of surprised that Baytor and Section Eight are getting set up so soon but then I realized that by the time this story arc is over, the series will be 1/3 of the way through its entire run. Which tracks but, man, it feels like a lot has happened in just 17 issues already!

Tiegel and Tommy discuss their relationship during the gunfight because what else are they going to do while they casually murder criminals trying to murder them? Mostly their relationship consists of Tiegel getting drunk and trying to fuck Tommy and Tommy going, "Um, love to but maybe when you're sober?" Now I don't know if Tiegel is upset because he didn't fuck her or because she thinks he did fuck her and took advantage of her. Is this one of those scenarios where she finds out he did the right thing and then she won't be able to stop sitting on his face?

During a lull in the siege, Sixpack shows up with a broken bottle to save the day. Except he just shits himself and almost dies. Unless he shit himself before he even got to the church. Tommy saves his ass and Sixpack escapes but threatens to come back with his team. Back in August of 1997, nobody knew what that meant just yet. I'm not even sure if Garth Ennis had established himself enough at this point, at least in America, for everybody to understand what we'd all take for granted now: when Garth has a really fucked up character say they're going to get some friends, those friends are going to be more fucked up than you could have imagined. Was this the first time we were treated to this? Or had Garth already showed these cards in Preacher?

The issue ends with Mawzir pulling The Return of the Living Dead "Send more cops" trick. So next issue should be real clusterfuck with demons from Hell, Gotham criminals, tons of cops, and Section Eight. I'm so excited!

The Ranking!
This series is so good already and we having even gotten to the SAS story arc! One thing I have noticed is that in not wanting to make Tommy seem like one of those bad-ass killers that can defeat anybody or anyone, Garth has maybe relied on Tommy getting lucky a few too many times. He keeps battling people and demons that have him outclassed and he, self-admittedly, gets lucky. A lot! I don't think I mind as much as I might if he were being written by a worse writer because we are watching him grow. Especially in his planning and plotting. Early on when he was hellbent on avenging Pat, he just thought going in guns blazing would get the job done. And he got lucky against Johnny Navarone that time when he fired off a wild shot and just happened to blow Johnny's gun hand to shreds. He tells Catwoman that he got lucky against Mawzir the first time they fought. But now he seems to understand when he's the underdog so he's not taking chances. He knows he can't kill Mawzir and he won't get lucky again. So he's building a team, making a plan, and crossing his fingers that Etrigan won't fuck it all up. So, okay, he's still relying on a bit of luck!

Man, I think Tommy just gets lucky against the SAS dudes too. Or is that when he's killed? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be re-surprised all over again! Sometimes it's good to have a brain that doesn't remember art and important things and the names of people you love because it's overflowing with Mormon commercial jingles and Schoolhouse Rock songs! Because now I get to be surprised by this series a second time!

Hitman #16 (July 1997)

The perversion of the Male Gaze cannot be defeated because even when beaten badly by a sexy woman, it comes in its pants.

Hitman #16 (May 29, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

What a great cover. Tommy's obvious pleasure even while in a non-zero amount of pain. Catwoman looking on in disgust as she realizes what's going on in Tommy's pants the more she whips him. The curious cats looking on. The nipple shadow. This won an Eisner, right? I thought about looking it up but then I also noticed Catwoman's thigh-high boots and her well-rounded hips and my penis was all, "Nah, why waste the time? This definitely won all of the awards in 1997. Oh, and BOING!"

Last issue ended with Tommy inventing the Catsignal and Nate wondering how the fuck he ever became friends with Tommy. This issue begins with the Catsignal working and Selina showing up to ask, "What the fuck is wrong with you nitwits?" She also acknowledges before anybody else can say it that, yes, she was indeed curious.

This panel doesn't add anything new to what I've already said. It just has Catwoman's ass in.

Catwoman's heard about Tommy and his recent humiliation of the Gotham Police so she's a fan. Sort of. Just like everybody else, she's a bit sickened by the ease with which he kills people, even if those people he kills are killers themselves. She also doesn't trust that he's not some pervert who decided to call her out just to stare at her ass. Like a pervert would totally do. Disgusting perverts! But Tommy assures her that he only wants to know why a demon from Hell was thinking about her jumping off of a roof with a gun and not to use his x-ray vision at all. When Tommy mentions the gun, Catwoman gets spooked. If he's actually mentioned the x-ray vision, I imagine Catwoman would have gotten angry. But he didn't mention it which is why he doesn't die until Issue #60. Or #59? Probably #60, right?

The two nitwits and the sexy lady determine through intelligent conversation that Mawzir appeared to Catwoman as some old guy who gave her a million dollars to steal the Ace of Winchesters. They don't know why since they know nothing about the gun. But they know how to find out: Jason Blood. Catwoman decides to join up in their little adventure because she doesn't like being tricked into working for demonic creeps.

Human creeps, on the other hand, she can't seem to get away from working with.

Tommy impresses Catwoman by not violating her by reading her mind. But she didn't know about his x-ray vision! Although, Tommy's probably just using that line to make Nat jealous. Why would somebody need to use x-ray vision on Catwoman when she's wearing an outfit that shows every bump, crevice, and ingrown hair?! I'm pretty sure I already know what her butthole looks like because that spandex grips everything. It looks like this: *

I'm assuming Catwoman's butthole looks like a human butthole because she wasn't bitten by a radioactive cat. If she had been, I'd have to assume her butthole looks more like how Frankie Boyle once described a cat's asshole: a ham cheerio.

Meanwhile, Tiegel, recovering from her "the stupid fucking pigs fired me" bender, remembers that she tried to fuck Tommy Monaghan. She has a very small breakdown which probably has nothing to do with the amount of repressed memories already living in her head because her grandfather is a fucking Nazi.

The page showing Tiegel freak out as she remembers she may have fucked Tommy replaces all the boring stuff Tommy, Nat, and Catwoman are doing to set-up kidnapping Jason Blood. It allows Garth and McCrea to just pick up in the middle of the plan where they're taking him at gunpoint from the airport back to Noonan's where Jason Blood is all, "I hate this city. I hate you. I hate Catwoman. And I will never help you by summoning Etrigan!" And Tommy just smirks because he knows Jason Blood won't have a choice when Mawzir comes through the front door blasting all ten of his Hell pistols. Also Tommy mentions Glenda (Jason Blood's girlfriend) which probably isn't a threat but has something to do with whatever's been going on in the pages of The Demon during this time (which I don't totally remember and may never get to re-read for some time as I think my Lobo and Demon comics are in my mom's basement back in my old home state. But whatever the Glenda reference means, it gets Jason Blood to listen to Tommy's pitch.

I thought not paying your DUI lawyer was a bad idea but not paying your hired assassin? Seems like trouble, my dude.

McCrea draws Catwoman's big red lips as if she's constantly blepping. My guess is that's not on purpose but if it was, so cute!

Jason Blood tells Tommy the history of the Ace of Winchesters and why Mawzir probably wants it. It was made in the 1800s to kill demons that manifested on the American frontier due to the atrocities done in the name of Manifest Destiny and colonization. It was owned by every famous American gunslinger that the Irish McCrea could think of, plus John Wayne. Oh, and of course John Constantine owned it at some point. Probably used it to get fifteen schoolgirls murdered and dragged to Hell so that he could clear up an outstanding bank fee hanging over his head.

Tommy believes Mawzir had the gun stolen so that he couldn't use it against Mawzir. But I think Mawzir probably wants it to murder the Lords of the Gun. When they remade him, they gave him too much power and too much ambition!

I'm certain the only thing going through Natt's head right now is "Big stretch!"

While Jason Blood tries to pretend that he isn't going to summon Etrigan later, Six-Pack wakes up on the floor and offers to help Tommy out. He's all, "Man, I got this crew! Dogwelder! Defenestrator! Bueno Excellente! Some French guy who spits! You're gonna love these guys!" But Tommy is all, "Dude, we're fighting a demon from Hell. You and your weird fucking friends sit this one out." And then Tiegel walks in to Noonan's at three in the morning and is all, "We need to talk about whether we fucked or not!" And then some bullets come in through the window and they're all, "Hi! Hi! Bakoom! Bakoom!"

Also the bullets brought a friend.

Is this the first time a character shit their pants on-panel in one of the Big Two's comics?

During the big escape scene, Garth Ennis makes sure the comic book passes The Bechdel Test.

Christ, Selina. Put it back in your pants! This isn't the time!

Now I'm imagining a woman pulling her pussy out of her fly and I'm way too turned on by that image!

Natt crashes his car through the front doors of a church because Jason Blood suggests that as the best course of action. Sounds like something somebody who loves Hell and Demons would suggest doing! Actually, he knows, having lived with a demon for so long, that Mawzir will avoid trespassing on hallowed ground because it will bring the angels down to investigate. But it won't stop all the gang members that Mawzir recruited over the last few weeks. So not only do they crash a car into the church, Tommy and friends turn it into a battleground.

Tommy refuses to leave the church because having gotten lucky once against Mawzir, he knows better than to face him in battle again. Especially since Mawzir probably learned that he should use guns that can't kill himself this time. So Tommy needs the Ace of Winchesters but he's not sure where Mawzir hid it. Jason Blood suggests he probably hid it in the one place Tommy couldn't find it: Hell. Which is when Tommy is all, "Yeah, about that. We're gonna need help from your friend. And I'm not talking about Harry the cigar smoking pillow."

The Ranking!
There's a moment in this issue where Catwoman, trapped in the church with everybody and realizing her whip is useless in this situation, asks Tommy for a gun. And Tommy is all, "But I thought you hated guns?" And Catwoman is all, "I do. Remember, kids, all life is sacred," just before she starts laying down cover fire and spraying the fuck out of the henchmen's cars. And then Tommy and Natt, instead of coming in their pants like adults would do, make little crushy hearty google eyes at her. It's kind of cute and adorable. And why the fuck am I describing the moment in words when I could just show it? I guess because I loved the moment so much that I just wanted to talk about it some! Anyway, here it is. Don't come in your pants about it or nothing.

The way I feel about this page is the way I felt when I first watched Sailor Moon.

Hitman #15 (June 1997)

Feels like a Preacher crossover.

Hitman #15 (April 30, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I imagine if DC hadn't made it explicit that the Vertigo universe was its own thing, completely separate from the mainstream DCU, the Ace of Killers would have just been the Saint of Killers in this comic. I know they've got wildly different backgrounds what with the Saint of Killers having some kind of tragic family that died on the Frontier backstory and the Ace of Killers having a less tragic he's just a bunch of Nazis that were hung at Nuremberg melded into one being backstory. But they both have "of Killers" in their name and they're both from Hell and they both shoot the living shit out of everything. So they're basically the same character. So much so that if I were getting anally fucked by one of them with their massive gun, I could see myself calling out the wrong one's name and instantly loosening my bowels upon the floor through my new asshole which used to be my belly button.

This issue begins with Catwoman living her life to the fullest and just doing what she enjoys while my male gaze turns her into a sex object. I'd say that's sexist but just in the last paragraph, my male gaze turned the Saint of Killers into a sex object as well. So I think the "problem" (if that's what somebody needs to call it) is that I just want to have sex with anything I see. Like that kid whose male gaze turned everything into Tootsie Rolls but less sexy.¹

It's fucking crazy that Garth Ennis got a pussy smelling joke in a mainstream comic book.

Right now, I'm mopping up the blood streaming out of my head because that page I scanned was so fucking genius that I jumped out of my chair to applaud it and slammed my head into the low, slanted ceiling of my tiny office². Not only is that joke an outright banger that can only usually be told past the watershed, Garth Ennis relies on the reader to put it all together. And he knows — he fucking knows! — that most people who put that joke together and yell out, "He can smell pussy! Your dog can smell the pussy!", think they thought of the punchline. An absolute legend writing right here. Maybe the best that ever was! Yeah, I said it! Fuck you, Vladimir Nabokov!

The problem with calling Garth Ennis a better writer than Vladimir Nabokov is that Nabokov's Lolita (maybe even Pale Fire) probably had a bunch of "I smell pussy" jokes that I totally missed because they were so subtle and perfect and I'm a big stupid oafish clod who's barely literate! I bet fully 1/3 of Lolita was pussy jokes!

Catwoman's currently getting her paws on the Ace of Winchesters, a magic Hell gun that can kill demons or God or Satan or something. Maybe the bullets are full of the souls of those lost to the Winchester's family invention. I bet Sarah Winchester's whole deal was holding Black Magic rituals in hidden rooms of her sprawling mansion simply to trap the souls of those killed by Winchesters in bullets so that they wouldn't be waiting for her in Hell. That's a pretty good theory, right? Should I be writing for The History Channel?!

I would also like to point out the following panel which makes something I said earlier less disgustingly fantastic³ and more in line with the reality of this comic, guns, and putting them inside your butthole.

Catwoman's either less adventurous than I am or she just likes saying, "Put the butt in my butt!"⁴

Oh! I suddenly have a question about writing! How often does ChatGPT stop to masturbate while writing? I find one review usually winds up in four to five jerk-off sessions, depending on the artist of the comic book. John McCrea ain't going to get me horny too often because his stuff isn't super sexy (although Garth's writing and characterizations help). And somebody like David Finch tries way too hard (and also draws every woman like she's fourteen). But let me read a Mahmud Asrar drawn book and hoo boy! Look out, wads of tissue! I'm wiping out half of your family, you thin little cumcatchers!

I have to admit that I was exaggerating a bit in that last paragraph. I'm 54! You think I'm going to bother jerking off four or five times in a 24 hour period?! Okay, maybe for a special occasion like accidentally finding a YouTube compilation of Erin Esurance commercials. But not from reading a fucking comic book!

Meanwhile, Tommy and Nat are "purchasing" some firepower for later jobs. They're about to get attacked by the new and improved Mawzir. I don't know how you put the "new" in a demon created from World War II era Nazis but I do know how you improve on one: more Nazis! I bet he's got like eight or nine of them inside him now!

But before the action, fat jokes! Like Weird Al, Garth Ennis has a surplus of them.

There was a time when Jimmy Hoffa punchlines were all the rage. 1997 was not that time. Way past that time. I'd expect it from Keith Giffen. But Garth's still a young man here!

Mawzir attacks with his ten guns blazing. Because he has ten arms. Because he's a composition of five Nazis hung at Nuremberg and sent to Hell. He only has one set of legs though. I'm guessing because that would just be awkward and confusing to draw. He has zero penises when you'd expect five but I think that has to do with this being a non-Vertigo title. If Mawzir were in Preacher instead of the Saint of Killers, he'd definitely have five penises flopping around during gun fights.

Is it bad that one of my all-time favorite character designs has a swastika on its forehead?!

For a second, I thought Mawzir actually had one penis but I see that's just his tail. I don't know why he has a tail. Maybe he's 1/6th Nazi Monkey?

Before Tommy and Natt get away by blowing up a railcar tank full of napalm, Tommy reads a little bit of Mawzir's mind. Luckily he only grabs up recent memories of Mawzir's return to Gotham and not all his Hell memories where he's eating shit and getting bummed by demons with massive, barbed cocks. That's not a prison rape joke! That's just a casual and probably pretty mild description of Hell! I wish we could ask Lindsey Graham if it's accurate. I'd use a Ouija board to ask him but who wants to accidentally get possessed by Lindsey Graham? I'd rather take my chances with Pazuzu.

Tommy's telepathy reveals that Mawzir has a gang of thugs working for him in Gotham and that Catwoman stealing a rifle has something to do with Mawzir being back. Also he gets a glimpse of the Lords of the Gun because they're super creepy and everybody needed to be reminded of them. Plus one of them has a partial penis. I guess he got it mostly shot off?

Impressive!

I'm sure when editorial asked about McCrea drawing a demon's tattered penis, he was all, "Um, what? No, no! That's, um, one of his intestines hanging out! Duh! Obviously!" Then he high-fived Garth Ennis sitting nearby in a barrel full of money.

Back at Noonan's, Sean complains about needing to find some good help tending bar. And since this is a story about Hell and demons, I'm guessing BAYTOR! is about to find a job?

Tommy learns from a goon following him that Mawzir has dozens of men looking for him all over The Cauldron. He decides he should probably get out of The Cauldron and come up with a plan to not be killed by a demon from Hell. But before he and Natt can leave, Tiegel shows up to be all, "The pigs fired me! Do you want to get drunk with me and fuck?" And Tommy is all, "Well, I guess sex is worth dying and being dragged to Hell! Let's go, Tiegel!" But Tiegel can't come to terms with fucking some guy with so much blood on his hands so she has to get shit-faced to even try it.

Oh! This reminds me that I finally saw Happy Death Day! That movie written by Scott Lobdell!

This scene reminded me of that movie because the lady Bill Murray in the movie falls for the guy who doesn't know her at all (and never actually can know her because he never gets to know her beyond whatever happens in the final day) when she realizes that he didn't rape her the night before when she was drunk! It's like he passes the lowest bar possible and she's all, "A good man!" And talk about a movie with a female lead written through the male gaze! Holy shit! Um, anyway, I'm not writing my review of that movie here! I should get around to it sometime. Because while it's definitely the kind of movie that somebody would watch and think afterward, "Heh, that was alright! Fun!", if you watch it knowing Scott Lobdell wrote it and you despise everything Scott Lobdell writes, you can't help seeing how lazy the writing is! The characters are all stereotypes! The plot doesn't make any sense! The female lead learns nothing (which maybe is on purpose because it isn't technically Groundhog's Day (another movie revolving around the male gaze and the patriarchy but with much better writing and a pretty nice message overall)) but it makes you feel like she should be learning something the way Bill Murray did. But she doesn't! Her only goal is to not die. Which she's terrible at, by the way.

Anyway, Tommy's idea is to ask Catwoman some questions since Catwoman was in Mawzir's memory when he read his mind. The only problem is finding Catwoman. So Tommy gets an idea. Cat rhymes with Bat, right?! And how do people get hold of Batman? Oh yes. That's right!

No cats were harmed in the drawing of this comic book. Tommy found it dead in an alley and while that's sad, it's worth the joke.

The Ranking!
I can't believe I forgot about the Catsignal! I'm often surprised at how much of this comic book I do remember. But the Catsignal? So good and I'd completely forgotten about it! Great comic book! That's the ranking: great! And also this: so good!





__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I don't know if that joke works because of the inability for people to parse a sentence but I'm not going to diagram the sentence. But I will explain the joke explicitly, just in case! Yes, I meant that the Tootsie Roll commercial where the kid saw everything as Tootsie Rolls was sexier than me picturing Catwoman stealing my virginity.
² Some might call it a closet.
³ As in "being a fantasy" and not "super duper awesome, dude!"
⁴ Look. I feel I have to write this note because most people online are Actually Nerds and they can't just have a little fun without dropping their "Actually" turds all over everybody's fun. I get that the panel shows the back of Catwoman's ass as she faces the gun. But if you just fucking let go, Luke, you can join my little fun world where you can interpret the panel as her standing facing off-panel to the left and the butt of the gun is between her cheeks. Making your own reality is great! It's super easy and fun to do! At least when you're not actually hurting other people, I mean. I do not support conservatives and their false reality! Fuck those guys! With guns! Barrel-side in!

Hitman #14 (May 1997)

Best cover in DC's entire history!

Hitman #14 (May 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I just re-watched the first two episodes of Portlandia which caused me to be aware of something I had not been aware of before: I am 2 Degrees of Separation from Aubrey Plaza. In the second episode's closing credits, the guest starring names are Sam Adams and Aubrey Plaza. Sam Adams, former mayor of Portland, is my step-uncle. I once played Scattergories with him over Christmas (which he attempted to cheat at multiple times) where the letter was "L" and the category was "Type of Dance." My answer was "Lap dance" which Sam commented on with "Classy." Classy's right, bitch, because I got full points for that answer! Also calling somebody else "Classy" while making sure the word drips with derision and sarcasm is a heck of a thing coming from somebody driven from office due to a sex scandal, motherfucker!

Sorry! Sorry! I always liked Sam and I'm coming across as having not liked Sam but you didn't hear the way he said "Classy" that Christmas! It hurt my feelings! I was just playing a game to win and figured everybody was going to say "Lambada" or, um, well apparently I can only think of two dances and they're both dirty. Anyway, I got the points and you kept trying to cheat, jerko! Also my favorite member of the Adams' family was Sam's boyfriend Greg at the time so I'm a little bitter is what I'm saying.

I know Sam and Aubrey didn't actually have any scenes together but their names were right on top of each other in the closing credits so I'm gonna fucking take it! Two degrees away from Aubrey, baby!

Anyway: zombie zoo adventure. The main thing I remember about this issue is that Hacken Evil Dead's off his hand after getting bit by a zombified animal after which everybody explains to him that he wasn't going to turn into a zombie and then he has to live with his one-handed idiocy for the rest of the series. And longer since he's, like, the only one who survives. Aside from Sixpack, of course. And BAYTOR!

It happens much sooner than I expected.

In "The Final Night" story, Hacken tells a tale about how he killed a bunch of chickens and, while doing so, sang, "Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens!" So I guess that's his thing? Also, I have to wonder if he's singing it like Elmer Fudd sings "Kill da rabbit!"? I mean Hacken is a stereotypical Nimrod (in both the Biblical sense and the modern sense (thanks to Bugs using it on Elmer Fudd in the Biblical sense but mockingly)). So does that mean I should be hearing Hacken's voice as Elmer Fudd?! Is that something Garth Ennis telegraphed as best he could in this soundless medium and I didn't pick up on it until 2026? Well, better late than never! I'm definitely reading all of Hacken's lines in the voice of Elmer Fudd from now on.

So Hacken doesn't take his hand off himself; he just pleads with the others to do it. Ringo happily does it for him even though none of the others truly believe Hacken's going to turn into a zombie. And just to make sure Hacken never gets the chance to have it reattached, he blasts it into bloody paste so that it doesn't, once again but in a different way, Evil Dead him.

This massacre of penguins is probably why Lobo eventually pays a visit to The Cauldron.


Oh. And this.

It's possible Garth Ennis's entire reason for this story arc was as a troll to kill as many animals as possible to piss off animal lovers. For the old skool LOLs, I mean, and not for the new skool "we exist only to make liberals angry" crowd of chowder heads who think they've cracked free will and yet they live their entire lives offended at people getting offended. Or should I say "offended at Straw Men getting offended" because the purported people offended are usually just made up bullshit articles or one of their own satirizing what they think reality looks like which reinforces the reality of the assholes angry at the people who don't actually exist.

Speaking of stories where an animal dies, I'm going to spoil A Quiet Place: Day One right now. Not because an animal dies in it. But because it's the third zombie/alien disaster movie I've watched in fairly recent memory that involves a cat and my nerves just can't take it anymore! I don't want to feel anxious and nervous about a fictional bubby kitty while I'm watching humans snuff it in the dozens! The first time was a Spanish zombie movie where the guy takes his cat out in a backpack/carrier as he tries to escape his hometown overrun by zombies. I actually had to stop watching that one before ultimately finishing it because I was just too tense and scared for the little guy. I think he survived? I don't remember now. If he died, that's why I don't remember! I blocked it out! And then in the third season of Daryl Dixon, you get the stupid fucking jerko line, "El gato es muerto!" I sort of knew that one was coming because the people who make The Walking Dead shows are total assholes! I didn't allow myself to get attached to that cat even though I was happy to finally see a cat in that world. Then last night, I watched A Quiet Place: Day One and instantly felt queasy when Lupita appeared on screen cradling a cat. But even though I felt anxious through this one, I was pretty sure Frodo the cat was going to come out okay. Mostly because Lupita was dying of cancer so I knew she wasn't going to make it. Which meant the cat's safety was her top priority! After getting some pizza, I mean. She definitely risked it's life too many times just for that slice of pizza.

Don't read that previous paragraph and think I'm such a pussy that I can't stand to see animals die in movies! The zombies can feast on all the cute little puppies they want! I just don't want to see my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mews hurt! Also, Pig destroyed me in so many ways but I wouldn't change that movie at all! My ability to feel anything has been eroded to such a tiny nerveless nub that anytime some piece of art can make me weep like everybody I've ever loved just kicked me in the balls, I appreciate it! That'll do, Pig! That'll do.

Back to the comic book, Tommy and all his friends get bitten by a bunch of fish dumped on them by the mad scientist. I guess they didn't know for sure that they wouldn't get turned into zombies because Tommy asks the guy if they'll turn and the scientist is all, "Fucking elementary school drop outs! You're so stupid and superstitious! Getting all of your facts from George Romero! You can't become a zombie without being dead and revived by the gas! Now go outside and get eaten!" But Tommy and the others don't go outside to get eaten. The mad scientist stays inside to get eaten.

Does the shark get the money for the hit?

I understand that the shark is zombified and maybe more aggressive but if the shark can break through the glass to eat somebody now, was this aquarium ever really safe?! All it would have taken was that shark to be slightly hungry one day and have a pudgy person wearing seal-gray leather walk past the window and *WHAMMO*! Instant YouTube video sensation!

So that's the scientist dead halfway through the issue. You might think, "Well what more could there be?" But only if you forgot about all the zombie animals and also the zombie shark that's now swimming around the flooded room with Tommy, Natt, Ringo, and Hacken.

A few more pages of loads and loads of seals and penguins getting their heads blown off before the threat is mostly over. Just one more zombie left to kill.

Don't worry about how he's standing up. If you got this far in and bought into the premise, don't let this minor speed bump knock you back to reality.

After everything is dead, Ennis delivers the punchline: Tommy and Natt, feeling awful and guilty and terrible about what just happened, donate their entire pay for the assassination to Greenpeace! Ha ha! It's like a carbon offset! But with penguins and seals!

The Ranking!
So much animal murder! Delicious!

For my animal murder carbon offset for enjoying so much death of cute widdle bubby animals, here's a picture of me re-reading Koji Suzuki's most demented of books, the sequel to Ring, Spiral, with my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mew Gravy on my lap giving me reverse-greeting headbutt love rubs.

So gross!

Hitman #13 (April 1997)

I don't know how this story arc came about but it sets up one of my favorite covers next issue.

Hitman #13 (April 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I've read Gravity's Rainbow and Infinite Jest and I know I'm never going to read Finnegan's Wake so the next "most difficult book" I picked up a few months ago was Ulysses. But then as I began to read it, I thought, "Whoa! I should bone up on The Odyssey before I read this or how will I ever understand it? I'm assuming!" So then I got The Odyssey but have yet to dive into it because I've been reading one of the "most easiest books" to read, all of John Grisham's lawyer novels. Um, no, wait! I've been reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series. But I did see Nolan's movie version of The Odyssey yesterday so is that good enough? No, no. I know it's not! But watching Nolan's The Odyssey felt a lot like reading a John Barth novel: classical literature retold in a modern light in a confusing mix of multiple stories across multiple times told by multiple people. That's a positive review, just in case you read the word "confusing" and thought it made it a bad review. No, I like confusing because it means there's something there to work out. Although in some ways, it felt a lot like a retelling of Memento. It was about a guy who couldn't remember stuff but kept having flashbacks to a woman's face that ultimately cracked open the entire meaning of the story. Both were stories about a man who caused the death of a woman (and also another man and also a whole city full of men, women, and children for Odysseus. I think Leonard only killed a woman and then who knows how many men who aggravated him so he set them up to seem like his wife's killer so he could kill them. Maybe Leonard also kills a whole city full of men, women, and children? He certainly can't remember!) and was seeking a redemption or a remedy to his guilt. Both choose to forget because both know what they really want can never happen: the return to life of the dead. Both have flashbacks of memories that may or may not be true. Both aren't necessarily good guys. Sure, Leonard's story is more personal and all he wants is his wife back. Odysseus's story, being an ancient epic, happens on a much grander scale. He is the cause of much death and destruction. Yes, many other people set the Trojan War in motion. But he feels, being the smartest guy in the Mediterranean, that he's ultimately responsible for every lost life, starting right from the beginning when the youth have to draw lots to go to war. Leonard loses himself in forgetting and repeating his actions; Odysseus tries to lose himself in forgetting but ultimately fears he must face what he did. Leonard is all, "YOLO!", and rushes off to kill another person who irritated him. But Odysseus is all, "Whoa. I think I have a family and responsibilities! Maybe I should pull my dick out of Calypso and begin fixing the shit I broke!" Sure, fixing shit means breaking more shit and getting more men killed. But I guess it all works out when he sails west into exile? I don't know. I haven't thought about the resolution much! I was too busy thinking, "Spider-man and The Punisher are hanging out together! Ha ha! Cool!"

Although Memento didn't have that subplot (main plot? Judging by how many times they say "Zeus's Law", probably a main plot!) about imperialists and immigrants and which one was the real threatening people of the sea. Or did it? It's been a long time since I've watched Memento!

Anyway, this issue begins with a dead scientist writing a message in blood that he believes the people who find is body will understand.

Oh, sure! Monaghaz! I know that guy! Good old Jommy Monaghaz! I'll get right on the phone, dead scientist dude!

Why does this scientist know a hitman? Why does he think a hitman can save Gotham from his science experiment gone wrong? Why does this scientist think other scientists will know who the fuck Monaghaz is?! This message can't be for the cops because if the scientist knows who Monaghaz is and why he needs him, he certainly knows the cops won't call him! I would be confused but I also understand that Garth Ennis needed a quick and easy way to get Tommy on the Zombie Night at Gotham Aquarium case.

While the scientist's buddy tries to figure out who Monaghaz is, Jommy Monaghaz is busy playing ball with his buddies in an old lot in The Cauldron. You know. Like assassins love to do. If they're not drinking or smoking or murdering, they're playing two-on-two baseball in a lot full of trash. Two-on-two baseball has to be the biggest pain in the ass game to play. You have to remember where all the ghost runners are. You can only hit to center or left field. The pitcher's got to cover first and third and maybe second. I don't actually know how it works because I never tried to play that shit.

Jommy gets a call from that scientist that interrupts the game and now he has to go kill somebody. That somebody has stolen an experimental canister that contains a nerve agent that brings the recently dead back to life. So probably a thing that shouldn't be left out in the wild. Now the only problem is figuring out where the Mad Scientist is planning on releasing the gas.

Natt's a genius! I would have guessed the orphanage.

Natt isn't as big a genius as I first thought because I re-read the cover and it's "Zombie Night at the Gotham Aquarium" and not "Zombie Night at the Gotham Zoo". Jommy must have seen the cover with his x-ray vision because he also realizes the zoo is a bust and he's probably going to hit the aquarium. Putting the nerve gas in the water will keep the gas from leaking into the surrounding neighborhoods and, the actual best place to release the gas, the orphanage.

While wandering around the aquarium, Jommy runs into Dingo and they foreshadow their eventual duel.

Dude, Dingo has met Death and lived. No way Jommy's ever gonna outgun him.

Hacken also makes an appearance because he's going to Evil Dead his hand off later. But the first Jommy has to go from thinking "This job is no big deal! A bunch of zombie fish in an aquarium and some clumsy ass scientist!" to "Holy shit what's the Guinness Book of World Records for most times crapping in your pants in under five seconds because I just fucking beat it."

I bet they're wishing the scientist had released the gas at the orphanage now.

The Ranking!
Twenty-two zombie penguins up! That's an homage to Siskel and Ebert but I had to make a note that it was because it didn't sound anything like it. It just sounded like I died of a stroke and that was the last thing I managed to type.