New Guardians #27

That's my non-jerk off hand's name too!

I know what you're all thinking now: so what's the name of your jerk-off hand? Mind your own fucking business.

I've got over twenty comic books in my stack and more come out tomorrow, so I think it's time for a speed round. That means I'll be recycling old jokes and filling paragraphs with how many comic books are left in the stack. I wonder if I can talk about New Guardians in such vague terms that I'll be able to recycle my commentary for the other comics?

This issue is called "Keeper." Whoops. I think that was probably too specific already! I hope Red Hood and The Outlaws is also called "Keeper."

The issue begins with a character that I forgot was my favorite character: Exeter the Keeper. He's heading home now that he doesn't have to keep an eye on the Universe's Ingrown Hair anymore. Kyle popped open the ingrown hair and revealed that it was actually an ingrown Relic. He's arrived home to find his people at war with a bunch of mushrooms. So he's called Kyle and Carol over to help him sort out the misunderstanding because according to Exeter, the mushroom people are incapable of violence. Okay, I buy that. But are they also incapable of releasing spores which cause hallucinogenic effects that might make Walrus Men think they're being attacked by the tiny penis people?

Or perhaps some other paranoid theory that will lead to The Warmonger!

And it does lead to The Warmonger! Was this maniac in this comic book early on? He seems familiar enough but fuck if I can remember him. Anyway, he's convinced all of Exeter's people that the only way to feel secure is to go to war with anybody that they can't control. You know, once again, this is starting to sound like an analogy about America!

Kyle doesn't recognize him. Perhaps I remember him from some awful Pre-Crisis DC Comics Presents issue. Or maybe he's just such a Mongul clone that I can't help but feel like I know him from somewhere.

Warmonger is yet another creature that can withstand or absorb Lantern Energy, so Kyle has a bit of a rough time with him. When did everybody in the Universe become immune to Lantern Rings? I suppose it's the natural state of evolution. Like cockroaches becoming immune to bug spray, generation after generation. It was bound to happen with countless races being exposed to the Energy Spectrum across millions of years.

In the end, Exeter and Kyle and Carol did not have to defeat Warmonger themselves because they couldn't The Bohemian Guardians were busy re-hacking the Kalimawan Think Tanks so that they'd come to their senses and realize that they were lied to. So like an American Populace finally having enough with politicians yanking their fear chains and riling everybody up for war while those same politicians fill their pocketbooks with blood money, the Kalimawans revolt against Warmonger and, to get technical, beat the shit out of him.

Warmonger is revealed to be just a back-up of some greater being's consciousness, a being that will be coming in some future cosmic crisis where the information they torture out of Warmonger will be needed to defeat the greater being. Come on, Justin Jordan! You're all over the place with your analogies! Is America evil but torture is okay if it keeps America at bay? I know you hate America now that I've read the last two issues of New Guardians, so you're probably against torture. Besides, nobody is torturing anybody. I just jumped to conclusions so I could make up a fake argument to have with an author that isn't reading my words anyway. But know this, Justin Jordan: I get what you're saying. *wink*

Shove your Lifeshare up your ass. Can't Carol just be Kyle's teammate? Can she only ever be the romantic foil of a Green Lantern?

New Guardians #27 Rating: No change. Seriously. Can we not just have Carol and Kyle cracking jokes with each other as they road trip across the galaxy with their stuffy old Guardians? Maybe I wouldn't mind if they fucked on occasion since they'll be the only two humans in space and adult humans cannot live without orgasming on each other. So that's expected. But romance? Icky poo poo!

Swamp Thing #24

Seeing a cover like this just makes me realize that I've really cut back on my crudity.

This cover leads me to two subjects which I could discuss: masturbation and eating salads. For the life of me, I don't have any stories that combine the two, thank The Lord. Although why would God have anything to do with me not having a masturbation with salad story? Did He somehow keep me from committing that sexy faux pas? Why do we capitalize the pronoun "I" but not "me"? Unless of course We're God (or German), then We get to capitalize Everything. When I think about it, I suppose every time somebody eats a salad, you could make a masturbation joke, depending on the dressing they use. That's why I always eat my salads without dressing. It took me nearly 25 years to realize that I didn't hate salad; I hated salad dressing! And since most adults thought the best way to convince me to eat a salad was to smother it in Man-made Goo (TM), I refused to eat that shit and got yelled at and punished many times across the years for not eating my salad. Fucking adults. If just once they set that shit in front of me without the Man-made Goo, I might have tried it.

No, no. I wouldn't have. Although if they'd put Tater Tots and cheese in it, I'd have been a fan. Although I'm not sure that really counts as a salad anymore. Tater Tot Salad. I think I'd have to forgo the lettuce though because that whole hot on top of cold thing would mess up the balance. Any food that arrives at a dead universe level of entropy before you can even get started is not food that I want sitting in front of me. So Tater Tot salad would probably consist of Tater Tots, Cheese, Chili, and, if you'd like because nothing is mandatory (except the tater tots), onions. Maybe some jalapenos since it really needs more vegetable!

This issue begins with The Seeder pouting because the Avatar of the Green did not congratulate him on his deeds. The opposite has taken place; he's been chastised (by word of mouth, even! He doesn't even get a personal meeting with Swampy). Now he refuses to help the people that Swamp Thing declared weren't deserving of The Seeder's help. Because it was not done correctly. It went against Nature. Fuck all, there are so many rules to keep in mind whenever you do anything at all in the DC Universe! It seems that everything is about balance which leads me to believe The Court of Owls are doing the greatest good!

I suppose the problems with doing or not doing their jobs is more of a philosophical problem than a real "this could potentially ruin the Earth" with most Super-heroes. What are they changing by interfering in the way events transpire? Captain Atom had that philosophical problem back in Captain Atom #3, the only issue I thought worked well. But Captain Atom was also dealing with severe trauma and survivor's guilt, so his belief that he was possibly interfering instead of helping made psychological sense. But taken to the extreme, everybody would be paralyzed by indecision if we had to worry about whether or not we were fucking up the natural order or the proper way of things or the integrity of the timestream. In smaller ways, Batman and Superman actually have to deal with these kinds of issues but mostly in diplomatic ways with police or other nations or Lex Luthor. I guess Uncle Ben had it right when he said that thing about great wrestlers come with great costumes or whatever. That's Marvel. I can't be held accountable for knowing Marvel quotes! But those are fairly normal heroes dealing with fairly mundane problems. I know I just described Superman as "fairly normal" and the end of Omnithing as a "fairly mundane problem." But stay with me as I start a new paragraph!

This is Swamp Thing. And in the realm of Swamp Thing and John Constantine and Justice League Dark, how things get done can have serious consequences. We can pretend that everything has serious consequences if, as in a Scott Lobdell comic or a J.T. Krul Captain Atom story, we are allowed to follow some fantasy timeline to the far future to see how just one decision brings the world to ruin. But that, again, is philosophical. What if Hitler has been trampled by stampeding warthogs when he was a child? Sure, a lot of shit would have turned out differently. But that's just how time and space and life works! But dealing with magic changes the essential parts of the whole so that everything changes. Arcane abusing his Rot Powers. John Constantine using the Books of Magic. Madame Xanadu...no, never mind. She never does anything. The Seeder is using short cuts in The Green to help people in need and those short cuts harm other parts of The Green which cause more suffering just in different places and different ways. Magic isn't free in the DCnU unlike in our world. If I want to summon a demon, who is that harming except the transient whose blood I used in the ritual? But if John Constantine were to summon a demon, he'd have to pay a cost in the lives of four or five of his friends. You know, people he actually knew! That's not something to fuck around with.

In other words, go Court of Owls! You guys know the score!

Sometimes I wonder if I ever get around to making any kind of a coherent point at all ever.

This is an example of wasting power. Just imagine how many Loquat Trees died because The Seeder doesn't carry around a pen.

Once again, The Swamp Thing begins to deal with Cappuccino so he knows why she's here and what he's supposed to do about it. But the Swamp Thing makes like history and repeats himself by ditching her before she has a chance to explain. But he ditches her for a good reason! He has to go see The Seeder's face and find out which old colleague is fucking with him now. Alec Holland must have been a huge dick botanist. Not a botanist with a huge dick since I can't argue the veracity of that. It just seems like he made an awful lot of enemies. Is there usually a lot of drama in botanist circles?

The Seeder is a much better name than The Florionic Man but I'm not totally convinced this is Jason Woodrue. I believe he's been mentioned somewhere. Possibly just Rotworld though!

Instead of talking with The Seeder, Swamp Thing grabs him about the facial area and smashes him to the ground. It's a bit of Alec being frustrated with this guy and his Whisky Tree experiment and a bit of the Mean Green Voice trying to get him to lose control and fuck the world by filling it with grass pollen and lemon trees. The Swamp Thing luckily doesn't kill The Seeder but he does manage to knock his hood off.

Swamp Thing needs to stop shoving pieces of himself in people's mouths.

According to an Editor's Note, Jason and Alec have met before. Here's my bit about it in Swamp Thing Annual #1:

The Parliamentary Swamp Thing manages to deliver Alec to Jason Woodrue so that Woodrue can transport him back to Louisiana. In exchange for his service to The Green, Woodrue will be rewarded. I think he’ll be turned into the Floronic Man or something crazy like that.

Too bad I couldn't remember that shit when The Seeder first appeared! There's just too much to remember to make educated guesses at these plot points! The only reason I finally thought he might be Jason Woodrue was when it was revealed he was a fellow scientist that probably knew Alec. But the clues were already there! Stupid comic books and failing memory!

Jason Woodrue wants to team up with Alec Holland because the Swamp Thing needs a fucking sidekick! Jason Woodrue can wear short pants and a short cape and little booties and say things like, "Fucked up Ferns, Swamp Thing!" and "Holy Oaks!" I can't wait because I know that's what Charles Soule is going to do! Plus some horror or something scary.

No! Wait! That's the opposite of what I want!

The Parliament of Trees is the cutest parliament I've ever seen! Be on the lookout for my new web comic about them! It'll probably begin in 2021 after I catch up on my backlog of projects.

The Seeder decides to fight for his rightful place and hurls some seeds into Swamp Thing. The end result is Swamp Thing's eye pops out which probably doesn't really mean much since he's a plant and what do plants need eyes for? Luckily the Swamp Thing still has his protector, Cappuccino. In the end, the Parliament simply takes away Jason Woodrue's powers for now. When The Swamp Thing has more experience under his belt, the Parliament of Trees will return Woodrue's power to him and host a death match in the swamps. It looks like that will take place in Swamp Thing Annual #2 available on Halloweeneen.

Swamp Thing #24 Rating: No change. The Parliament of Trees sure did get back to their old, manipulative, bastard selves quickly enough. They had to act submissive and helpful while they were tiny little saplings that needed Swamp Thing's protection, but now they're nice and teenaged which explains why they've gotten their mean streak back. As for the coming death match, my money is on the Swamp Thing because I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I know how these things work. As long as the title isn't being cancelled, the title character will win! Unless the title character is somebody like Swamp Thing who is an avatar and can actually be anybody. It's not like the title is Alec Holland, Swamp Thing!

Sword of Sorcery #7

I thought these covers were supposed to have crazy twists? Only people not reading this comic would have been shocked by this one. And who are these assholes not reading this comic book? Thanks a lot for getting it cancelled, jerkos!

Last issue, Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. What do you expect? She's a teenaged girl! She wants what she wants and she knows better than everybody else. I might say the same thing for teenaged boys but she isn't a teenaged boy so why would I bring up teenaged boys except as this addendum to preemptively shut up any cries that I'm being sexist. Man. Who gave women the right to speak their mind?! It's taking away my freedom to be a misogynist without having to hear somebody point out that I'm an asshole! You know, misogynists are people too! They get their feelings hurt as well! If you can't say something nice (to men), don't say anything at all.

Let me start over in case you already forgot that first brilliant part of the story by Christy Marx because the other nonsense caused a hemorrhage in your brain: Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. That's just fucking terrific. This is why I never allow anybody to do anything for me that might possibly constitute a favor! Wait, that's not true. I let people do stuff for me all of the time. But I've cultivated a sophisticated tactic of never, ever repaying anybody for anything so that they know better than to expect that I'll help them out with any of their problems. It makes life so much easier. For me!

I'm really painting a beautiful picture of myself so far in this commentary! Who wouldn't want to be my friend! I think I'm almost ready to cosplay Eclipso now! I've got the asshole personality down so now I just need to get the rippling abs and monster pectorals! That should only take like a week or something though, right? My body would be so incredibly fit right now if fitness were directly related to how many cookies you eat.

This issue is called, "Eclipso Unleashed!" Last month, I said DC needs to knock off the "unleashed" bit because it was old when insert apt analogy here. And I don't want to be accused of exaggerating (or murder), but DC has used "unleashed" about six hundred times in The New 52 so far.

Amethyst's best Gemworldian friend, Princess Ingvie, has just become a Queen in the usual way. And Eclipso is on the loose. And it's all Amethyst's fault (I think I mentioned that a few times already). While the Good Guys try to regroup after Eclipso's attack, Eclipso heads on over to House Onyx so they can shower him in hugs and kisses.

I meant shower him in insults and death threats.

Eclipso manages to do that thing he does where he looks through his rock candy and possesses everybody in the room. The only people immune are those with the Onyx Blood Power. Instead of putting up a fight that will just end in a bunch of Onyx Gemworldians dead, the Royal Family flees into the shadows, leaving Eclipso with his new army to take over Gemworld. He'd better hurry up and do it quickly. I don't think this comic book has many issues left. Anyway, his first conquest will be of House Diamond because he needs to get the Black and Diamond back together again.

Meanwhile Ingvie has just learned everything there is to know about everything because all knowledge was passed to her when her mother died. So now she knows about the War of The Eclipse without ever having to study it. It seems to me that a student really desperate to pass a test might seriously think about killing their parents so that they don't have to study. I guess children are more trustworthy in Gemworld than they are in America. I'm pretty sure there's a point about the failure of unrestrained capitalism and its affect on the ethics of young adults growing up in a system that teaches you that everything is a competition and failure is worse than cheating, lying, and stealing. But I won't be the one to point it out.

"Studying is so hard! I never could have remembered all of this without the death of my mother."

Eclipso takes over House Diamond because the King's son doesn't give a shit about helping his father battle Eclipso when he knows his father's death will simply result in his gaining all of the power! See! I knew there were some serious drawbacks to this shit! No wonder intrigue is practically synonymous with royalty! I get it now! Thanks, comic books!

The dick son gains the power of House Diamond and swears fealty to Eclipso. Afterward, he attempts to murder his nicety-nice brother but only wounds him before Lady Akikra of House Onyx emerges from the shadows and rescues him. It's a good thing House Diamond has a noble son to take over once Eclipso is banished from Gemworld a second time. It would be awful if the entire Royal House were stereotypical douchebags. Not that having one son isn't totally cliche as well! But it's a fantasy story! It has to be told in a certain way or the reader just wouldn't understand it.

Lastly, Eclipso marches on House Amethyst to repay them for banishing him to First World. And that's where this story ends! Next, Stalker probably outwits Lucifer and gets to live happily ever after with a baby and without a soul. Hmm, that doesn't sound happy at all. Get rid of the baby part and we'll talk.

Well, Stalker does lose the baby. And he gains a soul! More precisely, he never lost his soul. Lucifer made a deal for a soul of one of his male ancestors. And once Stalker realizes he's had a soul all of this time, he suddenly feels guilty for all of the people he's killed across the thousands of years he's lived. So a soul is basically a placebo? Since souls don't exist, Lucifer gives Stalker a sugar pill at the end of this comic which causes Stalker to suddenly feel guilty. Well, soul or no soul, at least Stalker isn't stuck with that stupid baby since Stalker ends up falling through a portal to Hell or the past or who knows where and the baby remains behind.

To murder everybody! [Crack of thunder. Maniacal laughter.]

Sword of Sorcery #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope next issue isn't about war. I hope everybody enjoys a tea party instead.

Sword of Sorcery #6

What did Lucifer have to gain by having Exoristos bring the Black Diamond out of Hell? Does Lucifer gain the souls of anyone killed or possessed by Eclipso? And what is Eclipso if he's born from Hell? Just another demon and not a God? Hopefully this issue will elucidate the connection between Gemworld and The Black Diamond. Perhaps The Black Diamond actually originated in Gemworld. It was then brought to Earth. On Earth, it probably caused a lot of trouble before somebody banished it to Hell. Once in Hell, Lucifer probably found Eclipso was a fucking annoying prat, so he had Exoristos take the gem back to Earth. If The Black Diamond hadn't already been returned to its master (that weird doctor from Arkham), I'd believe that Constantine was now bringing it back to Gemworld where it belongs.

While Preet and Fuzzybutt are discovering that Preet's new Super S Turquoise Powers are good for creating disguises, Amethyst is learning what Sailor Star Amethyst Powers can do.

"Sapphires that keep beer cold, Diamonds that increase sexual potency, Opals that poison wine, Cubic Zirconia that engender falsehoods, Garnets that, well, who the fuck knows what Garnets do, and Black Diamonds that turn people into immortal assholes."

Later Amethyst gets to spend some time with Ingvie, her new best Gemworld friend ("That's prejudiced thinking of her as her 'Gemworld' friend!" "Thanks, Grandpa. Can we just catch some fish now?") who, being from House Citrine, has a photographic memory. So she can tell Amy anything she want's to know. Well, anything that she's spent the time studying.

Wouldn't you know she decided the "War of the Eclipse" wasn't new enough history to read about! What kind of historian is this girl? "That's Ancient History, so it's not worth knowing!" You're going to wish you knew it in a few pages, young lady!

If the power of Onyx neutralizes other Blood-Powers, then the two assassins that went after Amethyst's mom were horrible at their job. I guess since it's the Blood-Power of Onyx that neutralizes Blood-Powers, only the leader or leaders of House Onyx have that power. Just like Amethyst and her mom and her aunt all share the House of Amethyst Blood-Powers but nobody else has those. It's possible the Blood-Powers are separate from the regular powers of people of the Houses, but I'm not sure. Ingvie mentions House Citrine having "dormant powers" which makes me think all the regular people of each house have powers associated with the House. But only the leader and those the leader shares her powers with have the Blood-Powers.

Meanwhile in the House of Mystery, John Constantine is fucking around with his Magical Spy Mirror which he stole from the CEO of Supernatural Artifacts Incorporated in Chicago back in Swords of Sorcery #4. It's too bad he didn't have this mirror earlier. It would be a decent enough explanation for how he knows so much about all of the other characters in The New 52. But then again, Constantine has the House of Mystery and his sexy, charming, magical nature. Those things go a long way when one needs to learn secrets. Currently on the other side of the Magic Mirror is Eclipso.

My first reaction was to ask why would John do this? And then I remember, why does John do anything? There must be something for him to gain!

Back to Gemworld, Amethyst is busy putting away her study materials in the Turquoise Treasury when she runs into a creepy toucher. The guy paws at her skin but when he touches her, he transforms into Preet. Ingvie recognizes him instantly for what he is: the wild seed where House Turquoise Lord Firojha's power went after he was killed by Lady Akikra!

When Amy called Preet an idiot and pointed out he was stealing from himself, this cynical, stone-faced bastard laughed out loud.

Amethyst is able to subdue him with her mist-silk although it ends up with her falling all over him. Preet says, "I could get to like this...". But wouldn't he be her uncle? I'm just guessing that power of House Turquoise had to go to one of Lord Firojha's sons or else it would have gone to Amethyst since she's the next in line by blood. I guess he could also be her brother if Amethyst's father Vyrian had had a bastard son before marrying Lady Graciel. Which just made this new love interest super love interesting!

I had to Google for Lord Vyrian's name by putting "Amethyst's father" into Google. Google sent me to my commentary on Issue #5. Thanks, Google, for reminding me that my memory sucks!

Meanwhile in Death Valley, John Constantine meets up with Eclipso.

I've always been confused about how Eclipso works. Does he always have to have a human host? Is he currently inhabiting the Arkham Scientist whose name I can't remember but if I Googled, I'd learn it from one of my old commentaries?

Eclipso saying he's been exiled to this squalid world makes me think he's actually from Gemworld. So he either ends up in Hell after he's exiled from Gemworld which would mean he was exiled at least one thousand years ago. Or probably more since it's ancient history. One thousand years isn't quite ancient history enough! Well, not to me anyway. I guess to a teenaged girl of House Citrine, it might be. But that would mean the Black Diamond did end up in Hell somehow and it bothered Lucifer enough that he needed to get rid of it. Why he needed Exoristos to take it out is another story. But if Lucifer couldn't even stand him, it then Eclipso must be the worst roommate ever.

Constantine fires up the portal and gets ready to bid farewell to Eclipso. And he was here for so short a time! He only got to interfere with three titles! Unless there were more? Let's see...Team 7, All Star Western, and Catwoman. I think that was it! Good riddance, Moon Face!

Oh yeah! Alex Montez was his name. And he uses the alias "Bruce Gordon" which was the original Eclipso host's name. Before Eclipso became some kind of Vengeance God of the Moon.

Once Eclipso is through the portal with Amethyst, Constantine blows the crystal. By destroying the crystal, it releases the spirit of her father Lord Vyrian who flutters through the portal before it closes once and for all. I'm not completely sure Constantine knew that would happnen.

On Gemworld, the portal closes as well and Alex Montez wastes no time becoming Eclipso and blasting everybody with some Moon Prism Power, knocking them all unconscious. With all the goody-goody princesses out of his way, Eclipso wanders off to torment the racist Citrine Historian from last issue. Poor woman! If she only knew beforehand that she was going to star in a horror movie, she might have tried to hide her flaw! Now that she's been exposed as a racist, the audience won't mind when she gets killed and might even stand up and cheer.

Not that I would! I always feel really sad and cry whenever anybody dies in a movie.

Okay, that's not true. But it is true that I always cry whenever an animal dies in a movie! That scene in I Am Legend when Jazzy Jeff kills his dog. Oh my God! Stop manipulating me, movie makers! Or that scene in Of Mice and Men when the old man pisses and moans about not blowing his own dog's head off! Okay, that wasn't very sad. That was more annoying. But when Sherilynn Fenn gets her puppy neck broken, I bawled for ten minutes. Partly because I was beginning to masturbate thinking she was going to get naked. Scarred for life, I tell you! That'll teach me to think a scene where a puppy gets murdered would lead into nudity!

Oh yeah! Totally ancient history!

Eclipso tries to possess the racist but learns that he can't control anybody with the Blood-Power. That seems odd. He's the Master of the Moon, you'd think he'd be Master of Menstruation as well. Since he can't control this woman because she's on her period, he breaks her neck. Is this negative commentary on being a misogynist? How dare a comic book preach to me! If I want to travel to a fictional world and break a racist's neck, that's my prerogative!

I think I should get in better shape for Halloween. Eclipso would be a kick ass costume. Oh! And then I could wear it at a convention and call it a cosplay instead of a costume!

Once Lady Racist is killed, her Blood-Power transfers to Amy's bestie, Ingvie Malmsteen. Now Amethyst can't boss her around anymore because they're equals! Although Amethyst's are prettier than Citrines, so we know who's going to keep the power in that friendship. And then the story ends and my moratorium I called while reading DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire ends before I can even finish one more issue!

I said nobody else was to be "UNLEASHED!"

Now it's time to read about Stalker, The Man That Was Just Like Every Other Man in That He Didn't Have This Thing Called a Soul. Last month ended with his apartment being raided by Lucifer and a bunch of demons as his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter was about to give birth to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchild.

The mother dies in childbirth leaving Stalker to escape with the baby, find a man of God, steal a buttload (I prefer this over the actual "boatload") of salt, and barricade himself inside of a church to make his last stand against Lucifer.

Wasn't this the movie poster of every third action movie in the late eighties?

Sword of Sorcery #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. The moral of this issue of Amethyst is "Do not trust John Constantine." That's the moral of every comic book that features John Constantine. I have a feeling it'll be a regular motif in this month's new comic book, "Constantine." Amethyst is still young and naive and didn't really know John that well, so I can't blame her for falling for his cigarette smoking wiles.

Sword of Sorcery #5

Worst assassins ever. "There's our quarry! Be sure she sees us and has time to draw her weapon. We wouldn't want to murder her by silent or secret attack often for political reasons!"

Amethyst begins with Amy returning to Gemworld and telling her mother how she touched Timothy Hunter and "woke up his power." She and her mother must have a fairly close relationship to discuss things like this. I would feel kind of weirded out telling my mom how I touched some guy. Although I have no problem telling the entire internet how some guy touched me! The Ken part of Me and Ken is Doom Bunny, for those people keeping score. The me part is me.

She just told you she was off touching boys and you freak out about the pizza?!

Amethyst accidentally transfers the power of the Portal Crystal into the amethysts she wears on her person so she can travel between Gemworld and Earth more easily. When this happens, some bigot of House Citrine starts whining about how Turquoises and Amethysts shouldn't interbreed. Next she'll probably start pointing out how the members of House Onyx can't swim but are super good at assassinating. And how the members of House Diamond can't dance and love to stab siblings in the back. That bitch is racist. Or am I racist for coming up with all the racist stuff I imagine she believes?

No, no. She's racist. You can see it in the way Aaron Lopresti drew her racist eyes.

Is it racist to point out that everyone in House Citrine is racist?

Amethyst and her mom take a road trip to visit the tomb of Amethyst's father in the Land of Turquoise. While on the road, Amethyst learns how her father researched how to open up a portal to Earth so that his family could hide there from Amethyst's Aunt Mordiel, if it came to that. During the story, Amethyst incidentally learns a little about Eclipso's history.

So the Black Diamond was brought to earth from Hell by Exoristo. Then somewhere along the way, it passed on into Gemworld (perhaps it was even instrumental in creating Gemworld?). And then Eclipso caused a bunch of fucking trouble and was kicked out and sent back to earth.

At her dad's tomb, Amethyst learns a little more. Like how her grandfather betrayed her mother and father resulting in her father, Vyrian, having to give up his own life to open the portal to earth to save his family. So Amethyst's aunt and grandfather are both assholes, although her grandfather seems remorseful. But it's easy to act guilty and remorseful after you've gotten all of your power back from your stupid dead son. She also learns that a couple of assassins are lying in wait to kill her mother.

In Dungeons and Dragons, two high level assassins can usually defeat a Level One teenaged girl.

Amethyst uses her Firestarter powers to kill one of the assassins. Except she doesn't create fire with her mind. She creates pointy gems and flings them through the air. She's not pyrokinetic; she's kosmimakinetic. Or something. I never claimed to be a linguist! I'm fairly decent at bullshitting though. It's very similar.

Amethyst kills the second assassin in the more conventional blade through the sternum way. She's become a pretty good survivor even though she isn't enjoying the killing. Probably because there isn't any loot to be had after the battle. The loot is always the best part and the main reason for killing! Killing for self-defense is boring.

After the battle, Lady Akikra of House Onyx shows up with some sketchy story about how she was there to make sure her "rogue assassins" failed. That must be why they were so awful at assassinating! They put all of their experience and skill points into thieving! Dumb dumbs! Lady Akikra gives Amethyst a Healing Ruby to help her mother and kills Amethyst's grandfather as an extra special bonus present. Gee, thanks!

No heir? Amethyst is sitting right there! Total heir-head! If Amethyst didn't suddenly fill up with Turquoise Power, that means her grandfather or her dad had a little bastard on the side somewhere before she was born. Otherwise she was next in line for the power.

Oh! And in the last two pages, we get to meet this bastard. He's a thief goes by the name of Preet. But the best part is he has a pet cat named Fuzzybutt! I sense a new favorite character coming on!

No, not fucking Preet. The kitty cat!

I can't believe this title is on the chopping block. I bet Didio hates it because it takes place on a world separate from earth and then hampers his ability to "world-build". It's building its own world with solid characters and an interesting history. And I like Amethyst! But I guess if it's sales aren't as good as Superboy's sales, I can only blame other comic book readers for supporting shit while despising fun. "Hey, Mr. Comic Book Store Owner! Can you put Shit, Crap, Vomit, and Excrement on my monthly pull list! Yeah, a little of Lobdell's and a pile of DeFalco's. Oh! And Ann Nocenti's pussy discharge." Pussy as in that yellow stuff that comes out of festering wounds, you misogynist gun jumpers!

Next up is Stalker! I claimed last issue that Stalker killed all across time for fun and has only recently met up with Lucifer, the person that owns his soul. But it sounds more like Stalker was doing all of the killing across time for Lucifer. And the story focuses on this killing because it could possibly be Stalker's final job for the devil. He has to find a woman name Clarissa Rowe that has something of Lucifer's. I don't know if Stalker is supposed to kill her or not. I also don't know if I should recognize that name.

Stalker finds her pregnant ass pretty quickly because this is only the back-up story. It doesn't have time to fuck around being that it only has eight pages.

As I mentioned last issue: this story would deal with his long lost family.

Even though letting Lucifer have Stalker's great-great-great-nearly-ad-infinitum-grandson would mean Stalker would get his soul back, Stalker decides to fight Lucifer by casting Rune Spell in Rune Speak (Rune Speak is, apparently, the proper name for DC's Alien Language which was last called (in Swamp Thing) "Old Portugese" [sic]). He escapes with his progeny and heads back to his shit-hole apartment.

Apparently the Ninja Turtles own their own pizza place now.

Stalker begins to help Clarissa deliver her baby when the devil and his host of demons appears for the big showdown. Which will happen next issue. And which I don't really care that much about. I'm not a fan of Stalker. He's like Phantom Stranger Lite.

Sword of Sorcery #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying Amethyst in Gemworld more and more. And since I'm now reminded of it, I'll watch the DC Nation Amethyst cartoons!

The first one introduces us to Amy and her new problem. So cute. Love the Sailor Moon transformation.

The second part teaches us of her quest! And her ability to think under spiders!

The third part is just fucking adorable.

The fourth part should end, "I'm proud to be a Skeleton-Gemworldian!"

The fifth part ends on a cliffhanger that I can't unhang from because I guess the next part hasn't aired yet?! Dammit! I watched them too soon!

Sword of Sorcery #4

How does the creature with the mouth full of teeth not bite it's tongue?

I think last issue ended with Amethyst being summoned to Earth to help out Justice League Dark in their Annual. It ended up being a lot less "helping" and a lot more "getting the word out that Amethyst has her own comic book series." I don't believe that series ever dealt with her return to Gemworld so that part of the story should end up here. That's actually a pretty effective way to deal with the crossover. If you're reading both, that is. If you're not reading both, you might just be confused by how this story plays out. But I'm sure there will be a nice, helpful Editor's Note to keep things moving.

This next paragraph can be skipped if you don't care about the relationship between my Blogspot version of this blog and my Tumblr version! I'm now typing these posts in Blogspot's editor whereas I had been typing them in the Tumblr editor. Tumblr recently changed its format and while I don't mind it, it currently has a bug that doesn't let you edit your previous posts. Well, you can edit the first line of your post or the last line of your post, but that's not actually any fucking help at all. On the plus side, I'll now be editing my posts on Blogspot so they don't maintain a record of all of my stupid grammar mistakes and missed words and other typos. My Tumblr posts will also be edited because one thing I can still do is copypasta the edited text from here to there. So all in all, a mistake by Tumblr's programmers has probably improved the reading quality of my Blogspot blog. Now I just have to edit the previous 900 posts so I don't look like an idiot when I type "meat" for "meet".

Now that everybody is thoroughly bored with the non-essential, mundane, technological aspects of my comic book odyssey, let's dive into Amethyst! Hmm. I think I just turned myself on a little bit.

I'd like to see these two go out for coffee sometime. Get to know each other a little better. Watch as Constantine uses her to save his soul while breaking her little teenaged heart.

One of the reasons I'm glad for some interaction between these two is that Amethyst knows nothing about John Constantine except what she's seen in the couple of issues of Justice League Dark she was in. She kind of knows he can't be trusted and that he smokes a lot and that he's casually very good at the magic. But he obviously knew about her enough to get his hands on her crystal. Dammit. Inadvertent arousal again.

His matter of factness and casual bearing are just so refreshing. It's no wonder he's long been one of my favorite characters.

John drops some hints that Amethyst's mom acted pretty wild when she returned to First World years ago. It put her on his radar and he's been keeping an eye on her ever since. Not surprising since he has notes on everybody in the DCnU in his office in the House of Mystery. Before John can give the crystal back to Amethyst, she has a favor to ask. Seeing as how the House can go anywhere and she's been stuck eating Gem Stew for the last week, Amethyst wants to take a detour to Chicago for some pizza. And who is Constantine to say no? I think his motto is if you're going to horribly use and abuse someone at a later date (this includes everyone John ever meets), you need to make them think you're the nicest, sweetest guy in the world during those times you don't need to bargain their soul to save your own.

If a guy in a lift says he'll snog your fanny for a fag, don't do it! Or do do it? Maybe ask him for a little clarification first.

After Amethyst stops looking fucking adorable eating her deep dish pizza (Instant fan of Travis Moore and Karl Story from just a few pages! Where have these guys been hiding?!), she walks out of the Pizzeria (or Pizzaria according to the front window of the pizza place) and is instantly pulled down through a devil's circle some careless child chalked onto the sidewalk.

Held captive by two demons, Amethyst reappears in an office building where a woman tells her she wants her magic necklace. It would be really terrific world building on DC's part if this were Brenda's aunt from Blue Beetle! She and her house and her magic artifacts all disappeared months ago in a mystic conflagration. Her reappearance could be explained later. I just think it would be great if this were her still seeking it out mystic artifacts. And this woman has a nice collection of her own! She's the head of a corporation in Forbes' Most Powerful Top 500. Was that what Brenda's aunt did? I can't even remember her name! Or her Mexican mafioso nickname!

"CEO Sorceress." I like that! For breakfast today, I'm going to the Cup and Saucer around the corner which my non-certified spouse and I call the Cup and Sorcerer.

The CEO Sorceress refuses to take the necklace by force because magic always has strange prices and weird protections. So she wants Amethyst to hand it over freely. But I don't know if she actually knows what "freely" means since she's going to try to threaten and intimidate her into handing it over. She begins by threatening to have demons rip apart a whole bunch of her recently laid off employees if Amethyst doesn't cooperate. Amethyst's response is so perfectly teenaged girl:

I take that back. Gender doesn't even come into it. This is just pure teenager.

Of course Amethyst gives up the necklace because she's a "do-gooder." Afterward, she's tossed in the demon buffet along with the workers. Sheesh, Amethyst. Every other character in the DCnU would have put up a fight whether they needed to or not! Now that you go and try the reasonable thing and get fucked for it, you're just making it seem like throwing punches is the best first choice! I mean, I know it's not YOUR fault. But come on! You could have transformed and put up a fight! It's not like this CEO Sorceress was pretending to be good. She has a room full of demons! You don't give up your power that easily. I feel so strange! What's the word where you're both proud and disappointed of someone at the same time? Oh yeah! Parent!

The greedy woman's name is Ilene which means she's not Amparo Cardenas, Brenda's aunt. Lord Google helped me find her name! Although I had to snog his John Thomas for the information.

Ilene puts on the necklace and transforms into Amethyst, the Really Weathered and Stressed Out Older Than You'd Suspect Princess of Gemworld! But even though she's now dressed like Amethyst, she doesn't know how to wield the power. I'm pretty sure that's because the power is in Amethyst and the stupid necklace just instantly changes your clothes for you. Oh! That probably means Amethyst didn't give up her power at all!

What's the word when you have inadvertent sexual feelings for an underage fictional comic book character? Oh yeah! "Parent!" I mean, "Pervert!"

Amethyst kicks major demon fanny (this time I'm using it like an American would since most of the demons seem to be missing their genitals. But they still have buttocks!) and forces Ilene to give the necklace back. Then Amethyst breaks Ilene's Demonic Dildo and Ilene is pulled into her own portal and down into hell. If she somehow survives, I think Amethyst has made a powerful enemy on First World. She then calls Constantine to come help clean up.

John lets Amethyst know that if she uses the crystal herself, she'll never be able to come back to Earth. He says it in that way that makes it seem like he's giving her a choice but he's really only doing it because he knows he's going to get to keep the crystal (as well as all of Ilene's other mystic goodies). So Amethyst allows him to transport her back to Gemworld so that he'll have the crystal and she'll have a way back to Earth.

These two have a bit of a Dr. Who and his companion thing going on. I like it!

This has been the best issue of Amethyst so far. I really loved the dialogue between Amethyst and John. And the way she handled Ilene really showed her intelligence, strength, and patience. Fuck the heroes that lead with their fists! Bloody good issue, this one.

But I still have the back-up story to read! But first a break! Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back, um, after breakfast!

The back-up story stars Stalker, The Man Without A SOUL! It takes place a long, long time ago in a distant land where they speak an "unpronounceable and long-dead tongue."

Although his religion seems to have some suspiciously familiar trappings.

Stalker's god does not answer his prayers but a weird trespasser in brown robes offers to save Stalker's family for a small fee. Just a half-dozen Goldoons (TM Places & Predators!) and his soul. Stalker readily agrees because what could possibly go wrong? It's obvious he didn't read DC Universe Presents #16 or he'd know that deals with strange strangers usually have unexpected consequences.

The Stranger healed his pregnant wife but she died in childbirth many months later. His child lived but Stalker could not lay eyes on the cause of his wife's death. He had sold his soul for only a few short months of happiness. What an idiot! Trading your soul for somebody's current health is like trading your soul for a few ice cubes on a really hot day. I guess he'll just have to console himself with the fact that souls are imaginary, so he got a few more happy months with his wife and it didn't cost him anything! Or he could instead kick the jerk's ass that tricked him.

Well hey! At least he gets to be immortal out of the deal. Not bad!

Stalker wandered around for centuries finding nothing better to do with his time than kill. He killed and he killed and he killed. I guess because he had no soul or something. It's a little vague. I think his main motivation was boredom though. But after all the killing, he finally ended up in the present where he met up with the guy that owns his soul once more.

Weird that The Boss needed a man from a long, long, long time ago to do a job in the present. Good workers really must be hard to find.

Sword of Sorcery #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. While the back-up story was mediocre at best (especially with making the guy immortal just to meet up with him in a bar in the future for a job that I imagine will have to do with Stalker's past or else, who cares?), Amethyst's story was a lot of fun. Too bad Constantine won't be a regular player in it though. I've enjoyed Amethyst the most when she's been on Earth and now she's going back to Gemworld. And the new art team! Fantastic! The style is perfect for this book. I hope it continues to be lighthearted and fun. And adorable.