Teen Titans #14

Here we go again!

The Titans were shattered previously when some of them didn't want to follow Red Robin and decided to join Manchester Black. They shattered even more when Red Robin decided to help the murderer Superboy escape justice. But then they were kind of getting back together last issue when Red Robin convinced the Titans that Titans stick together no matter how stupid one of them is acting or how many laws a member breaks. So now they're instantly shattering again? Is that all this comic book wants to be? Teens bickering with each other before making up only to bicker some more? What happened to the first story arc which wasn't very good but at least had the Teen Titans becoming beloved heroes of New York. Why is that a horrible status quo? Why do heroes need to be hated by the people they're trying to help and protect? I think Eddie Berganza has a box full of three by five cards with one or two line synopses of each comic book he's editing to make sure writers are sticking to the plan. The Teen Titans' card must read "Teenagers have problems with authority and also adults so these characters should be totally unlikable." Notice how I spelled "unlikable" like an American instead of my preferred way of spelling it "unlikeable" like the British (and probably anybody else using English) because Eddie Berganza wrote the card and he's not British. I mean, I'm not British either but I don't have to try to accurately portray myself. That just happens automatically.

Last issue, the Titans were arrested by Alpha Centurion. On the plus side, the Titans were arrested for breaking into a prison and helping an escaped convict. On the minus side, Lobdell's version of Alpha Centurion has become a part of this comic book. On the super-duper I've-totally-been-betrayed-and-lied-to-by-DC-Comics-because-his-name-wasn't-on-the-cover minus side, Scott Lobdell is listed as a writer.

No, he wasn't right. You can't just make what he did right by having another hero say he was right. Fuck you, Lobdell and Pfeifer.

Red Robin decided Superboy was innocent and took the law into his own hands by keeping him out of the justice system. How would Batman feel about that? Batman breaks the law all of the time as a vigilante but ultimately he leaves the justice to the police and the courts. He didn't break Gordon out of prison in Batman Eternal even though he knew Gordon was being setup from the beginning, did he? No, seriously, did he? I don't remember! I'm fairly certain he didn't and I hope he didn't because my entire point rests on that being true! Red Robin should have left Superboy to the court system. So helping his friend wasn't right. It especially wasn't right because Superboy confessed to killing the Musliens! Red Robin was wrong in every single way! And now Alpha Centurion is telling Red Robin he did the right thing? Bullshit.

Every other time I've said I've hated Scott Lobdell before this moment was hyperbole. But I think I really do hate him. My heart grows dark. I've lost all faith in his potential. And I feel sad because I've now decided he's the absolutely worst person and nobody likes being his friend although some people pretend to be because he has enough X-men money to pay for lunch.

Don't forget how they were harboring a fugitive!

Red Robin blames the anti-Teen Titans sentiment on the anti-young vigilante movement happening in Gotham. Way to deny responsibility for your own criminal actions, douchebag! And not only that, he's only now weighing the consequences of involving the other Titans in his prison break. Most of them could be seriously fucked if simply by being arrested and fingerprinted. I guess that's a good enough reason to, once again, ignore justice and take matters into his own hands! Do whatever you want, Red Robin! If Batman taught you anything important, it's that you're above the fucking law! Being arrested is for bad guys! And "bad guys" is defined and determined by you!

Fuck yeah! Anarchy! Down with the system! Youth revolution!

Before this moment, Red Robin points out how the Teen Titans have messed up because they're kids who maybe don't know everything (except what's right! Remember, they know what's right! Not you!) and that sometimes they make it up as they go along. So basically he's telling the View Tube Reporter that the Teen Titans are going to do whatever they want no matter what anybody thinks about it. Sounds like the Teen Titans may as well be super villains.

So now we have Red Robin pointing out that the Teen Titans are doing the right thing (even thought they weren't). And since Alpha Centurion told Red Robin he was right earlier (even though he wasn't), I'm starting to suspect that maybe they're right! How did I not see it? Their actions have been totally justifiable in ways that can't be misconstrued at all! I'm such a dum-dum! Hopefully the judge will have been told eighteen different times that the Teen Titans were just doing the right thing so he can set them free without having to go to trial.

Or the Titans can just break out because fuck everybody! They'd be right to do so!

Stupid guard! Now the Titans are going to feel justified when they beat the shit out of you and break out of custody!

It must be nice, as a writer of complete bullshit, to be able to shift the blame from the Titans to a bunch of assholes who are against teen vigilantes. From this point on, the story will probably begin to ignore all of the wrong things the Titans did and concentrate on the irrational hatred growing among the horribly paranoid, ignorant, and angry populace of the DC Youniverse.

The comic book gets even worse when Spider-man...I mean, Doomed-man arrives to break the Teen Titans out of the prison vans taking them to prison. I mean a different prison than the one they broke into which is the one that houses the superheroes. I mean supervillains. Doomed-man is looking to save Wonder Girl because she once saw him naked and he liked it.

The Teen Titans decide to use this moment to escape rather than pay for their crimes. I can't blame them! Who wants to deal with consequences?! Fuck consequences! That's why I cheered about the youth revolution earlier! But the Titans don't just have to get past Alpha Centurion! They'll have to get past the entire Pax Galactica!

Goddammit! Enough with Scott Lobdell's pseudo-Roman space beings!

Lobdell was probably sitting around wondering why nobody was using the great Pax Galactica characters he created so he had to remind everybody that they existed. If they get popular enough, maybe they'll be used in a movie and he'll get some royalties! Maybe they'll even get action figures and Heroclix figures! Probably not though because they're ass.

Red Robin knows the Teen Titans can work together so he commands them to work together good! And they do! They do all of the working together there is!

Yes, by all means, please do the math. But do not try the science. Please do not science the shit out of Beast Boy's sudden and inexplicable increase in mass.

You know what? I think I know what happened here! I understand why the mix-up! Last time Straith appeared in Action Comics, he said, "Needless to say, I come in peace!" I pointed out how that wasn't needless at all! It was a very much needed thing to say! But he might still believe it's a needless thing to say so he didn't say it this time! The Teen Titans really could have heard it though because they don't realize he's come in peace. And that's why these kinds of misunderstandings take place!

Also they're trying to break out of police custody! That's probably a reason too.

After the battle, the Teen Titans teleport back to the Robin's Nest in Gotham City. They'll hide out there for awhile until everybody forgets that they're awful people and they can go back to being superheroes.

He's right there. He just turned on the television for you, dum-dum.

Lobdell must have had to write in the Red Robin goes off to fight the Robin War epilogue at the last minute and wrote the dialogue for the previous page without noticing that Red Robin was in the scene. Probably because he was jerking off to Power Girl's ass. From now on, I'm going to be like Power Girl! Whenever a whole roomful of people are looking in one direction at something, I'm just going to stand backwards and watch over my shoulder. Seems appropriate.

Teen Titans #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. This comic book is awful. It was awful before Scott Lobdell was asked to come back and now that he's back on it, it's awfullerest. I suppose the cover was meant for whatever Will Pfeifer had in store before DC Comics told him his book was shit and that the only way to make it better was to make it shittier. You do that math on that one!

Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27

After Ra's is done here, he has to get over to Gotham to kick an old lady's teeth in.

Last issue, Jason Todd's memories came back when he realized all he had to do was remember them to get them back. And after they came back, he said, "Surprise! Every single thing that has happened so far was part of my plan! Maybe I'm going to become a vampire in the future and change my name to Harvest!"

Upon reading the first few pages of this issue, I have to offer a retraction for my first paragraph. The plan was not Jason Todd's at all. It was, of course, Ducra's. Although Ducra died quite awhile ago so she might just be a figment of Jason Todd's imagination which would mean that the plan is his plan after all. So I'm going to retract my retraction! Why can't I ever remember that the first rule of Collect Club is never admit you are wrong! Mabelchan would be so disappointed in me. And after all the Pineapple Kit Kats she sent me.

So after that flashback is out of the way so that everything can be explained (including the stupid bit where The Joker set off the trap that blew off Jason Todd's face and was supposed to make him forget everything but didn't take because that would have screwed up the Batman Inc Continuity even more than it already did screw up the Batman Inc Continuity), the action returns to Jason Todd's face-off (because he almost lost his face earlier this year. In the same way Red Hood's creator lost his face! Well, not exactly the same way. But in a like manner is what I meant) with Ra's al Ghul!

Jason Todd's mentor? He means The Joker, right?

The scan above was from the title page which answered this question that was ringing in my head: "Why isn't Julius Gopez's art looking as stupid as it usually does?" That's because some guy named Noel Rodriguez did some of the arting as well. I bet kids with the name "Noel" get picked on at school all of the time. And it's a shame, really. It's actually the parents that should be picked on. "You named your kid what? What were you thinking, you narcissist?! Also, it's the 21st Century and you didn't stick an extraneous "y" in his name? What an uncreative douche."

This issue is called "Demons" and it doesn't take place in space which is why I had to write an entirely new commentary instead of using my commentary from New Guardians #27. Darn it.

Jason Todd was chosen for this job because he's the only person capable of throwing the Legendary Dragon Punch which is capable of knocking the immortality out of somebody. It isn't quite as useful when some thick jock decides to attack you in a convenience store. Better to have a skateboard on hand in that situation. But if you ever meet up with an immortal? Dragon Punch. Always go with the Dragon Punch. Or possibly the Crane Kick.

But Jason Todd also wasn't supposed to get his memories back or else they could be used against him the way that Ra's al Ghul uses them against him on page whatever page is opposite the ad for The Wolf Among Us. Jason is forced to look at a bunch of Jokers and he collapses.

Oh yeah! Remember this guy? His name is December Graystone. That's even worse than Noel Anylastname!

If you name your kid after a month (especially one of the months that is basically just a number), you might as well name your kid after shapes. Dodycyhydron! Rhomboyd! Squarely! Octygonzo! I know. You think names like "December" and "October" are pretty. Do you have a mirror handy? Just take a good, long, hard look into it. Ask yourself, "What went wrong in my life? Was my childhood really as happy and decent as I remember it? Why the fuck do I think ridiculous words make good names? I bet I would look hot if I took off all of my clothes? I should probably take a naked selfie of myself and send it to Tess now." Do you feel better? You should because I have zero training in psychology.

Jason recovers from the Jokers looking at him because who the fuck wouldn't? Oh, I guess everybody else wouldn't judging by the surprise leaking out of Ra's al Ghul's stupid mouth hole. And then Jason Todd turns the tables on Ra's and creates an image of Talia! And Ra's is all, "Talia? Is that really you? You're not a trick, are you? Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Kory is having trouble defeating December and Roy is having trouble defeating Rictus (why didn't The Joker take that name? Oh yeah. Because it's stupider than December. Or Noel) so Cheshire has to help out.

By teabagging Rictus with her lady teabag.

I'm not sure how December is defeated. Why was December afraid of January? Because January February March! I think I did that wrong. Anyway, December goes away. Maybe he wound up wherever Bronze Tiger hid himself away. And then Jason Todd wins the day because he has friends!

But mostly because he knows the Dragon Punch.

Ra's al Ghul's reaction to the Dragon Punch is to throw his arms in the air and scream, "Nooooo!" You know, like every other villain ever after being defeated. Way to be a dumb cliche, Ra's al Ghul.

Before we find out the ultimate fate of Ra's al Ghul after being Sucker Dragon Punched, it's time for a new feature I have just now decided to call, "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivia Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #25:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

So the first question (the Pee Pee category) I got wrong. Why is this category called "Pee Pee"? Are they all questions about New Jersey? Back in the original edition, if the Blue Category asked for a number, your best bet was to answer "Three." If it asked for a city, the most probably answer was "Chicago." In this case "Three Percent" was not the right answer. The answer was 100% which I take issue with. At the very least, I know one person lives in The Pine Barrens: The Jersey Devil! Although I suppose 99.(9)% has been mathematically proven to be 100%, so whatever. But still! There must be a whole slew of reality television hillbillies living in the Pine Barrens! Next on A&E: PINE BILLIES!

The second question (the Ash category) I answered correctly because I'm really good at knowing things that aren't true anymore. The answer was Cheers because everybody back in the eighties thought this was the smartest comedy to ever not be MASH. I'm sure it's The Simpsons now. I suppose I could consult Lord Google but fuck him. What makes him think he's any smarter than Viscount Trivial Pursuit?

The third question (the Male category) I answered "Dan Quayle" because there was a time when all stupid questions asked by politicians involved Dan Quayle. The correct answer is Edward Kennedy which is kind of obvious, maybe. I think Pat Buchanan and Ted Kennedy were nemeses back in the day. The day being Ancient Times.

The fourth question (the Snopes category) was the "Did anybody ever fucking get this question wrong?" question. Every card needs at least one question that even your seven year old that just had to fucking play with the wine drinking adults on game night can answer. Although I'm fairly certain that if this question were updated, the answer would be "The Human Centipede."

The fifth question (the Slutty category) I didn't even spend any time on because what is baseball? The answer was Frank Thomas. This question probably is still accurate but is it relevant? No, no it is not.

The last question (the Wild Card category) was easy not because anybody knows who the fuck Giovanni Vigliotto was but because they give the clue to the answer Jeopardy-style with the whole "sweet-talking" business. And also because Trivia Pursuit answers were never "fucked someone in the ass." So it had to be "get married."

Thanks for playing! If you want to keep track of your scores as the game continues across other commentaries, leave your score in the Comments or via a Reply. You could also brag about your score in the Secret Clubhouse of Secrets. But you have to find it first!

So where was I? Oh yeah! What happened to Ra's al Ghul after being called a weak-ass doody face?!

Once Ra's loses his new and improved Well of Souls Immortality (I'm pretty sure he gets to keep his old, tawdry and ragged Immortality), it transfers to Essence because that was Ducra's plan all along! And lots of people in the universe feel the shift of power from ugly, mean-spirited, impotent old man to fucking hot albino sex kitten!

Oracle likey!

Trigon also notices because why wouldn't he? Somebody new in the universe to rape! Even Madame Xanadu notices but then what else does she have to do except read her Tarot Cards and say, "Yeah, I knew that," whenever something happens.

New Light Bright White Essence appears to not kill Ra's. Instead, she tells him she'll let him live and not destroy all of his precious Lazarus Pits if he lets Jason and Roy and Kory walk away. I guess she's too good to kill him and she's willing to once again establish the truce between The Untitled and The All-Caste and Ra's, whatever fucking role he played in that shit. Bronze Tiger finally comes out from behind a stalagmite to offer Ra's a bowl of consolation cereal. "It's pretty darn good!"

Essence returns to the Acres of All to rebuild the All-Caste with S'aru (if you get my drift! *wink wink*!) and Jason Todd and the Outlaws decide to go "vacation in the worst place on Earth" according to the Next Month Blurb. I'm not going to guess where that is because I'll probably offend some reader when I say "Dallas" or "Cleveland" or "Canada."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27 Rating: +4 Ranking. That was a solid ending to all the bullshit that's been going on in this comic book for months prior to Tynion taking over. Even Tynion's run felt like a lot of cleaning up the overflowing toilet Lobdell left on his way out. But fucking fuck, James Tynion IV pulled it off and really fit all the pieces together in a nice way. For once, I'm impressed with this comic book! Also, did anybody else feel like Gopez and Rodriguez (I think mainly Rodriguez but since the pages aren't expressly labeled with who drew what, I'll just mention them both) were trying to get a Kenneth Rocafort vibe with their art and the panel layouts? The panel layouts were more organized with less negative space but it still felt like they were trying to keep up (or get back to, anyway) the early look of this comic book.