Best cover in DC's entire history!
Hitman #14 (May 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I just re-watched the first two episodes of Portlandia which caused me to be aware of something I had not been aware of before: I am 2 Degrees of Separation from Aubrey Plaza. In the second episode's closing credits, the guest starring names are Sam Adams and Aubrey Plaza. Sam Adams, former mayor of Portland, is my step-uncle. I once played Scattergories with him over Christmas (which he attempted to cheat at multiple times) where the letter was "L" and the category was "Type of Dance." My answer was "Lap dance" which Sam commented on with "Classy." Classy's right, bitch, because I got full points for that answer! Also calling somebody else "Classy" while making sure the word drips with derision and sarcasm is a heck of a thing coming from somebody driven from office due to a sex scandal, motherfucker!
Sorry! Sorry! I always liked Sam and I'm coming across as having not liked Sam but you didn't hear the way he said "Classy" that Christmas! It hurt my feelings! I was just playing a game to win and figured everybody was going to say "Lambada" or, um, well apparently I can only think of two dances and they're both dirty. Anyway, I got the points and you kept trying to cheat, jerko! Also my favorite member of the Adams' family was Sam's boyfriend Greg at the time so I'm a little bitter is what I'm saying.
I know Sam and Aubrey didn't actually have any scenes together but their names were right on top of each other in the closing credits so I'm gonna fucking take it! Two degrees away from Aubrey, baby!
Anyway: zombie zoo adventure. The main thing I remember about this issue is that Hacken Evil Dead's off his hand after getting bit by a zombified animal after which everybody explains to him that he wasn't going to turn into a zombie and then he has to live with his one-handed idiocy for the rest of the series. And longer since he's, like, the only one who survives. Aside from Sixpack, of course. And BAYTOR!
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I just re-watched the first two episodes of Portlandia which caused me to be aware of something I had not been aware of before: I am 2 Degrees of Separation from Aubrey Plaza. In the second episode's closing credits, the guest starring names are Sam Adams and Aubrey Plaza. Sam Adams, former mayor of Portland, is my step-uncle. I once played Scattergories with him over Christmas (which he attempted to cheat at multiple times) where the letter was "L" and the category was "Type of Dance." My answer was "Lap dance" which Sam commented on with "Classy." Classy's right, bitch, because I got full points for that answer! Also calling somebody else "Classy" while making sure the word drips with derision and sarcasm is a heck of a thing coming from somebody driven from office due to a sex scandal, motherfucker!
Sorry! Sorry! I always liked Sam and I'm coming across as having not liked Sam but you didn't hear the way he said "Classy" that Christmas! It hurt my feelings! I was just playing a game to win and figured everybody was going to say "Lambada" or, um, well apparently I can only think of two dances and they're both dirty. Anyway, I got the points and you kept trying to cheat, jerko! Also my favorite member of the Adams' family was Sam's boyfriend Greg at the time so I'm a little bitter is what I'm saying.
I know Sam and Aubrey didn't actually have any scenes together but their names were right on top of each other in the closing credits so I'm gonna fucking take it! Two degrees away from Aubrey, baby!
Anyway: zombie zoo adventure. The main thing I remember about this issue is that Hacken Evil Dead's off his hand after getting bit by a zombified animal after which everybody explains to him that he wasn't going to turn into a zombie and then he has to live with his one-handed idiocy for the rest of the series. And longer since he's, like, the only one who survives. Aside from Sixpack, of course. And BAYTOR!
It happens much sooner than I expected.
In "The Final Night" story, Hacken tells a tale about how he killed a bunch of chickens and, while doing so, sang, "Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens!" So I guess that's his thing? Also, I have to wonder if he's singing it like Elmer Fudd sings "Kill da rabbit!"? I mean Hacken is a stereotypical Nimrod (in both the Biblical sense and the modern sense (thanks to Bugs using it on Elmer Fudd in the Biblical sense but mockingly)). So does that mean I should be hearing Hacken's voice as Elmer Fudd?! Is that something Garth Ennis telegraphed as best he could in this soundless medium and I didn't pick up on it until 2026? Well, better late than never! I'm definitely reading all of Hacken's lines in the voice of Elmer Fudd from now on.
So Hacken doesn't take his hand off himself; he just pleads with the others to do it. Ringo happily does it for him even though none of the others truly believe Hacken's going to turn into a zombie. And just to make sure Hacken never gets the chance to have it reattached, he blasts it into bloody paste so that it doesn't, once again but in a different way, Evil Dead him.
So Hacken doesn't take his hand off himself; he just pleads with the others to do it. Ringo happily does it for him even though none of the others truly believe Hacken's going to turn into a zombie. And just to make sure Hacken never gets the chance to have it reattached, he blasts it into bloody paste so that it doesn't, once again but in a different way, Evil Dead him.
This massacre of penguins is probably why Lobo eventually pays a visit to The Cauldron.
Oh. And this.
It's possible Garth Ennis's entire reason for this story arc was as a troll to kill as many animals as possible to piss off animal lovers. For the old skool LOLs, I mean, and not for the new skool "we exist only to make liberals angry" crowd of chowder heads who think they've cracked free will and yet they live their entire lives offended at people getting offended. Or should I say "offended at Straw Men getting offended" because the purported people offended are usually just made up bullshit articles or one of their own satirizing what they think reality looks like which reinforces the reality of the assholes angry at the people who don't actually exist.
Speaking of stories where an animal dies, I'm going to spoil A Quiet Place: Day One right now. Not because an animal dies in it. But because it's the third zombie/alien disaster movie I've watched in fairly recent memory that involves a cat and my nerves just can't take it anymore! I don't want to feel anxious and nervous about a fictional bubby kitty while I'm watching humans snuff it in the dozens! The first time was a Spanish zombie movie where the guy takes his cat out in a backpack/carrier as he tries to escape his hometown overrun by zombies. I actually had to stop watching that one before ultimately finishing it because I was just too tense and scared for the little guy. I think he survived? I don't remember now. If he died, that's why I don't remember! I blocked it out! And then in the third season of Daryl Dixon, you get the stupid fucking jerko line, "El gato es muerto!" I sort of knew that one was coming because the people who make The Walking Dead shows are total assholes! I didn't allow myself to get attached to that cat even though I was happy to finally see a cat in that world. Then last night, I watched A Quiet Place: Day One and instantly felt queasy when Lupita appeared on screen cradling a cat. But even though I felt anxious through this one, I was pretty sure Frodo the cat was going to come out okay. Mostly because Lupita was dying of cancer so I knew she wasn't going to make it. Which meant the cat's safety was her top priority! After getting some pizza, I mean. She definitely risked it's life too many times just for that slice of pizza.
Don't read that previous paragraph and think I'm such a pussy that I can't stand to see animals die in movies! The zombies can feast on all the cute little puppies they want! I just don't want to see my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mews hurt! Also, Pig destroyed me in so many ways but I wouldn't change that movie at all! My ability to feel anything has been eroded to such a tiny nerveless nub that anytime some piece of art can make me weep like everybody I've ever loved just kicked me in the balls, I appreciate it! That'll do, Pig! That'll do.
Back to the comic book, Tommy and all his friends get bitten by a bunch of fish dumped on them by the mad scientist. I guess they didn't know for sure that they wouldn't get turned into zombies because Tommy asks the guy if they'll turn and the scientist is all, "Fucking elementary school drop outs! You're so stupid and superstitious! Getting all of your facts from George Romero! You can't become a zombie without being dead and revived by the gas! Now go outside and get eaten!" But Tommy and the others don't go outside to get eaten. The mad scientist stays inside to get eaten.
Speaking of stories where an animal dies, I'm going to spoil A Quiet Place: Day One right now. Not because an animal dies in it. But because it's the third zombie/alien disaster movie I've watched in fairly recent memory that involves a cat and my nerves just can't take it anymore! I don't want to feel anxious and nervous about a fictional bubby kitty while I'm watching humans snuff it in the dozens! The first time was a Spanish zombie movie where the guy takes his cat out in a backpack/carrier as he tries to escape his hometown overrun by zombies. I actually had to stop watching that one before ultimately finishing it because I was just too tense and scared for the little guy. I think he survived? I don't remember now. If he died, that's why I don't remember! I blocked it out! And then in the third season of Daryl Dixon, you get the stupid fucking jerko line, "El gato es muerto!" I sort of knew that one was coming because the people who make The Walking Dead shows are total assholes! I didn't allow myself to get attached to that cat even though I was happy to finally see a cat in that world. Then last night, I watched A Quiet Place: Day One and instantly felt queasy when Lupita appeared on screen cradling a cat. But even though I felt anxious through this one, I was pretty sure Frodo the cat was going to come out okay. Mostly because Lupita was dying of cancer so I knew she wasn't going to make it. Which meant the cat's safety was her top priority! After getting some pizza, I mean. She definitely risked it's life too many times just for that slice of pizza.
Don't read that previous paragraph and think I'm such a pussy that I can't stand to see animals die in movies! The zombies can feast on all the cute little puppies they want! I just don't want to see my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mews hurt! Also, Pig destroyed me in so many ways but I wouldn't change that movie at all! My ability to feel anything has been eroded to such a tiny nerveless nub that anytime some piece of art can make me weep like everybody I've ever loved just kicked me in the balls, I appreciate it! That'll do, Pig! That'll do.
Back to the comic book, Tommy and all his friends get bitten by a bunch of fish dumped on them by the mad scientist. I guess they didn't know for sure that they wouldn't get turned into zombies because Tommy asks the guy if they'll turn and the scientist is all, "Fucking elementary school drop outs! You're so stupid and superstitious! Getting all of your facts from George Romero! You can't become a zombie without being dead and revived by the gas! Now go outside and get eaten!" But Tommy and the others don't go outside to get eaten. The mad scientist stays inside to get eaten.
Does the shark get the money for the hit?
I understand that the shark is zombified and maybe more aggressive but if the shark can break through the glass to eat somebody now, was this aquarium ever really safe?! All it would have taken was that shark to be slightly hungry one day and have a pudgy person wearing seal-gray leather walk past the window and *WHAMMO*! Instant YouTube video sensation!
So that's the scientist dead halfway through the issue. You might think, "Well what more could there be?" But only if you forgot about all the zombie animals and also the zombie shark that's now swimming around the flooded room with Tommy, Natt, Ringo, and Hacken.
A few more pages of loads and loads of seals and penguins getting their heads blown off before the threat is mostly over. Just one more zombie left to kill.
So that's the scientist dead halfway through the issue. You might think, "Well what more could there be?" But only if you forgot about all the zombie animals and also the zombie shark that's now swimming around the flooded room with Tommy, Natt, Ringo, and Hacken.
A few more pages of loads and loads of seals and penguins getting their heads blown off before the threat is mostly over. Just one more zombie left to kill.
Don't worry about how he's standing up. If you got this far in and bought into the premise, don't let this minor speed bump knock you back to reality.
After everything is dead, Ennis delivers the punchline: Tommy and Natt, feeling awful and guilty and terrible about what just happened, donate their entire pay for the assassination to Greenpeace! Ha ha! It's like a carbon offset! But with penguins and seals!
The Ranking!
So much animal murder! Delicious!
For my animal murder carbon offset for enjoying so much death of cute widdle bubby animals, here's a picture of me re-reading Koji Suzuki's most demented of books, the sequel to Ring, Spiral, with my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mew Gravy on my lap giving me reverse-greeting headbutt love rubs.
The Ranking!
So much animal murder! Delicious!
For my animal murder carbon offset for enjoying so much death of cute widdle bubby animals, here's a picture of me re-reading Koji Suzuki's most demented of books, the sequel to Ring, Spiral, with my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mew Gravy on my lap giving me reverse-greeting headbutt love rubs.
So gross!
Flashback to 1997: just got the Tiny Cinderblock Edition of Hitman, #1-33, + Bloodlines & Demon shit. Every time I prop it on my chest my ribs creak.
ReplyDeleteAnd wow. I am looking at several eras of McCrea's development here, aren't I? I didn't know Garry Leach was inking McCrea's stuff, either! Leach's inks are as tactile as Mike Ploog. There's so much fuckin' TEXTURE to the Cauldron & environs. Beautiful work, lads.
Also, also: I'm reading out-of-order, of course. I didn't know they printed all this stuff out of sequence, so it isn't until I'm through four arcs that I realize the Bloodlines special that introduced Tommy is in the back. Glad they got rid of that kerchief he was wearing. It's a little too gay for "the irish terminator" look. But wow. I love that Pat was part of it from the beginning, along with Sean. The whole thing was already there, from the beginning.
Which is why, "wow" a paragraph ago. Because I knew fuckall about Pat, yeah? Apart from watching him fart around with his mates after hours, and talking to Tommy, Pat's a non-entity to me. But he feels like a known quantity, there's so much life in the little social scene around them... And then he dies, hard-- and fuck, Tommy spends a damned year feeling a little low, because... Because death's a thing that doesn't wash off. At its best it ebbs, like a brutally anxious hangover.
So, "wow," I damn near tear up as the Gotham Knights actually win the game, and Tommy's smiling fit to break me heart, thinking of his dear friend. A character I'd never met before I picked these up, just some bloke, and I can feel the love, clear & bright as the sun, for that poor dead bastard in a bathtub.
A good book, internet friend. Thanks for getting me to pick it up.
I read this stuff as it came out (I think I was a bit behind on the first five or six issues as I was sort of out of phase in the world for a bit traveling in my VW bus) but I'd forgotten that the entire thing was already right there in the Bloodlines Annual. Which is crazy in that the Bloodlines Annuals were all mostly just a bunch of wet farts that nobody seemed to totally care about. But here's Ennis with this idea that he obviously loved because he basically went back to the Hitman world and cast well with The Boys and he's using it for a throwaway annual event. I spent years pointing out that Hitman was pretty much the only character to come out of what was supposed to be a huge intellectual IP boon for DC. Probably because most writers were all, "Great. I have to come up with more characters that I won't own? Fuck that." I think maybe Anima and one other character had decent solo title runs but Hitman was far and away the best thing to come out of Bloodlines. And the fact Tommy's history was so tied into Etrigan's, one of my faves? Just the coolest.
ReplyDeleteThis time reading, I was really surprised at how quickly Pat dies. It was such a huge event that I assumed it happened later. But, no, Garth was right to do it early. Really sets up the stakes of the relationships with the Noonan gang and, in particular, Tommy's relationship with Sean. Just lovely Garth stuff.
It's one of the most earnest things I've seen out of Garth, next to certain of his war stories. It hits a very particular emotional range of keys that strike truth. Not least, Tommy's fear of death.
ReplyDeleteBecause that's a motherfucking beauty of a thing. Tommy being afraid of dying, begging for his life, hollering NO as a bastard better at bastardry than he wrestles a gun ever-closer toward his eyes. That's not something that happens in superhero comics. There's this hifalutin' idear of defiance in the face of mortality superhero comix trade on, which can't match the truth of the selfish, whinging terror one harbors inside, surfacing only when faced with Actual Death. Tommy's no coward, he's foolhardy as fuck, but when he's not able to count on luck or Natt or a last-minute save from Superman (and T never, ever counts on that shit-- Kal himself told him not to count on that shit, in a sad sack moment on a rooftop) ...why, that's when he's most human, next to when he's laughing with friends or reasoning out the realities of love with his ladyfriends.
I mean fuck Gaiman's endless marionettes and that whole goddamn era of comix About Feelings and Telling Tales. Hitman was, IS, the business. It's a great capeshit book about being human.
also, also, also:
ReplyDeletedon't ask me why i started watching it. maybe i have a sickness. but there's this terrible DC licensed "anime" named Suicide Squad Isekai, and i took a peek at it-- out-of-order, by accident, in keeping with our above theme --watching five minutes of episode 10, thinking it was episode 1, and being aghast at how incompetent & incoherent everything was from animation to voice acting. when i finally open episode 1, the animation's better, the writing is still dogshit, and the cartoon believes it can buy my full attention & interest by introducing Noonan's Bar(!)
belay that exclamation mark. there's nothing else of hitman or garth anything in the cartoon, natch. it's the mold-oozing cadbury's of shitty easter eggs, because the facade & interior look nothing like Noonan's, anymore than the Cauldron looks like itself, and nobody from any of these comix shows up. it's a reference for the sake of saying "look how thoroughly we researched gotham, for ANIMU". as if saying the writers were aware hitman existed, and this being a suicide squad licensed property, made the whole enterprise more Adult somehow. there's blood! and people drink beer! and wear booty shorts!
hope someone somewhere cut garth a bitty cheque for that. and that he doesn't know anime Noonan's exists. because ennis seems like a happy enough fella, and books like hitman are how he earned his present happiness. no sense spoiling it
Yeah I saw the Noonans in that. Just watched the first episode sometime back and that was it. Noonan's has actually just become the bar for DC projects, it seems. The way Big Belly Burger took off in various DC media. The bar in CBS's Supergirl was Noonan's. And I think it appeared somewhere else as well. Maybe the bar they hung around in the HBO Harley Quinn show, I think?
DeleteYou nailed the death thing with Hitman. Hitman was definitely Garth's opening statement declaring that he loves comic books but has a disdain for the whole superhero shtick. There's a very good reason why Tommy has never been seen in the DCU again, other than a flashback story here or there. It would just render his entire story meaningless.