Red Hood and the Outlaws #27

After Ra's is done here, he has to get over to Gotham to kick an old lady's teeth in.

Last issue, Jason Todd's memories came back when he realized all he had to do was remember them to get them back. And after they came back, he said, "Surprise! Every single thing that has happened so far was part of my plan! Maybe I'm going to become a vampire in the future and change my name to Harvest!"

Upon reading the first few pages of this issue, I have to offer a retraction for my first paragraph. The plan was not Jason Todd's at all. It was, of course, Ducra's. Although Ducra died quite awhile ago so she might just be a figment of Jason Todd's imagination which would mean that the plan is his plan after all. So I'm going to retract my retraction! Why can't I ever remember that the first rule of Collect Club is never admit you are wrong! Mabelchan would be so disappointed in me. And after all the Pineapple Kit Kats she sent me.

So after that flashback is out of the way so that everything can be explained (including the stupid bit where The Joker set off the trap that blew off Jason Todd's face and was supposed to make him forget everything but didn't take because that would have screwed up the Batman Inc Continuity even more than it already did screw up the Batman Inc Continuity), the action returns to Jason Todd's face-off (because he almost lost his face earlier this year. In the same way Red Hood's creator lost his face! Well, not exactly the same way. But in a like manner is what I meant) with Ra's al Ghul!

Jason Todd's mentor? He means The Joker, right?

The scan above was from the title page which answered this question that was ringing in my head: "Why isn't Julius Gopez's art looking as stupid as it usually does?" That's because some guy named Noel Rodriguez did some of the arting as well. I bet kids with the name "Noel" get picked on at school all of the time. And it's a shame, really. It's actually the parents that should be picked on. "You named your kid what? What were you thinking, you narcissist?! Also, it's the 21st Century and you didn't stick an extraneous "y" in his name? What an uncreative douche."

This issue is called "Demons" and it doesn't take place in space which is why I had to write an entirely new commentary instead of using my commentary from New Guardians #27. Darn it.

Jason Todd was chosen for this job because he's the only person capable of throwing the Legendary Dragon Punch which is capable of knocking the immortality out of somebody. It isn't quite as useful when some thick jock decides to attack you in a convenience store. Better to have a skateboard on hand in that situation. But if you ever meet up with an immortal? Dragon Punch. Always go with the Dragon Punch. Or possibly the Crane Kick.

But Jason Todd also wasn't supposed to get his memories back or else they could be used against him the way that Ra's al Ghul uses them against him on page whatever page is opposite the ad for The Wolf Among Us. Jason is forced to look at a bunch of Jokers and he collapses.

Oh yeah! Remember this guy? His name is December Graystone. That's even worse than Noel Anylastname!

If you name your kid after a month (especially one of the months that is basically just a number), you might as well name your kid after shapes. Dodycyhydron! Rhomboyd! Squarely! Octygonzo! I know. You think names like "December" and "October" are pretty. Do you have a mirror handy? Just take a good, long, hard look into it. Ask yourself, "What went wrong in my life? Was my childhood really as happy and decent as I remember it? Why the fuck do I think ridiculous words make good names? I bet I would look hot if I took off all of my clothes? I should probably take a naked selfie of myself and send it to Tess now." Do you feel better? You should because I have zero training in psychology.

Jason recovers from the Jokers looking at him because who the fuck wouldn't? Oh, I guess everybody else wouldn't judging by the surprise leaking out of Ra's al Ghul's stupid mouth hole. And then Jason Todd turns the tables on Ra's and creates an image of Talia! And Ra's is all, "Talia? Is that really you? You're not a trick, are you? Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Kory is having trouble defeating December and Roy is having trouble defeating Rictus (why didn't The Joker take that name? Oh yeah. Because it's stupider than December. Or Noel) so Cheshire has to help out.

By teabagging Rictus with her lady teabag.

I'm not sure how December is defeated. Why was December afraid of January? Because January February March! I think I did that wrong. Anyway, December goes away. Maybe he wound up wherever Bronze Tiger hid himself away. And then Jason Todd wins the day because he has friends!

But mostly because he knows the Dragon Punch.

Ra's al Ghul's reaction to the Dragon Punch is to throw his arms in the air and scream, "Nooooo!" You know, like every other villain ever after being defeated. Way to be a dumb cliche, Ra's al Ghul.

Before we find out the ultimate fate of Ra's al Ghul after being Sucker Dragon Punched, it's time for a new feature I have just now decided to call, "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivia Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #25:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

So the first question (the Pee Pee category) I got wrong. Why is this category called "Pee Pee"? Are they all questions about New Jersey? Back in the original edition, if the Blue Category asked for a number, your best bet was to answer "Three." If it asked for a city, the most probably answer was "Chicago." In this case "Three Percent" was not the right answer. The answer was 100% which I take issue with. At the very least, I know one person lives in The Pine Barrens: The Jersey Devil! Although I suppose 99.(9)% has been mathematically proven to be 100%, so whatever. But still! There must be a whole slew of reality television hillbillies living in the Pine Barrens! Next on A&E: PINE BILLIES!

The second question (the Ash category) I answered correctly because I'm really good at knowing things that aren't true anymore. The answer was Cheers because everybody back in the eighties thought this was the smartest comedy to ever not be MASH. I'm sure it's The Simpsons now. I suppose I could consult Lord Google but fuck him. What makes him think he's any smarter than Viscount Trivial Pursuit?

The third question (the Male category) I answered "Dan Quayle" because there was a time when all stupid questions asked by politicians involved Dan Quayle. The correct answer is Edward Kennedy which is kind of obvious, maybe. I think Pat Buchanan and Ted Kennedy were nemeses back in the day. The day being Ancient Times.

The fourth question (the Snopes category) was the "Did anybody ever fucking get this question wrong?" question. Every card needs at least one question that even your seven year old that just had to fucking play with the wine drinking adults on game night can answer. Although I'm fairly certain that if this question were updated, the answer would be "The Human Centipede."

The fifth question (the Slutty category) I didn't even spend any time on because what is baseball? The answer was Frank Thomas. This question probably is still accurate but is it relevant? No, no it is not.

The last question (the Wild Card category) was easy not because anybody knows who the fuck Giovanni Vigliotto was but because they give the clue to the answer Jeopardy-style with the whole "sweet-talking" business. And also because Trivia Pursuit answers were never "fucked someone in the ass." So it had to be "get married."

Thanks for playing! If you want to keep track of your scores as the game continues across other commentaries, leave your score in the Comments or via a Reply. You could also brag about your score in the Secret Clubhouse of Secrets. But you have to find it first!

So where was I? Oh yeah! What happened to Ra's al Ghul after being called a weak-ass doody face?!

Once Ra's loses his new and improved Well of Souls Immortality (I'm pretty sure he gets to keep his old, tawdry and ragged Immortality), it transfers to Essence because that was Ducra's plan all along! And lots of people in the universe feel the shift of power from ugly, mean-spirited, impotent old man to fucking hot albino sex kitten!

Oracle likey!

Trigon also notices because why wouldn't he? Somebody new in the universe to rape! Even Madame Xanadu notices but then what else does she have to do except read her Tarot Cards and say, "Yeah, I knew that," whenever something happens.

New Light Bright White Essence appears to not kill Ra's. Instead, she tells him she'll let him live and not destroy all of his precious Lazarus Pits if he lets Jason and Roy and Kory walk away. I guess she's too good to kill him and she's willing to once again establish the truce between The Untitled and The All-Caste and Ra's, whatever fucking role he played in that shit. Bronze Tiger finally comes out from behind a stalagmite to offer Ra's a bowl of consolation cereal. "It's pretty darn good!"

Essence returns to the Acres of All to rebuild the All-Caste with S'aru (if you get my drift! *wink wink*!) and Jason Todd and the Outlaws decide to go "vacation in the worst place on Earth" according to the Next Month Blurb. I'm not going to guess where that is because I'll probably offend some reader when I say "Dallas" or "Cleveland" or "Canada."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27 Rating: +4 Ranking. That was a solid ending to all the bullshit that's been going on in this comic book for months prior to Tynion taking over. Even Tynion's run felt like a lot of cleaning up the overflowing toilet Lobdell left on his way out. But fucking fuck, James Tynion IV pulled it off and really fit all the pieces together in a nice way. For once, I'm impressed with this comic book! Also, did anybody else feel like Gopez and Rodriguez (I think mainly Rodriguez but since the pages aren't expressly labeled with who drew what, I'll just mention them both) were trying to get a Kenneth Rocafort vibe with their art and the panel layouts? The panel layouts were more organized with less negative space but it still felt like they were trying to keep up (or get back to, anyway) the early look of this comic book.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?! The Caped Batflamboyance?! The High Collared Batfop? The Royal Batdouchebag?

So Jason Todd was bitten by the Dress Like Brother Blood Bug. There are worse viruses that can infect your system. Although that Goddamned leering Bronze Tiger is still pissing me off! And making me hungry for cereal!

Last issue, Red Hood defeated his friends, The Outlaws. But The Outlaws were okay with that because they love Jason Todd and they believe in him and they know that even though he has forgotten everything he ever knew, he still loves them, way deep down in his heart where amnesia can't penetrate! I mean, he can't remember their faces or their names or what it felt like when his dick was deep within them, but you can't erase love! Right?!

The issue begins with December Graystone having a Blood Battle with a mysterious man in Assassin's Creed Cosplay. December remembers this mysterious figure and also has a stupid name. You know what doesn't make you creative? Naming your child. If that's the limit of your creative genius as a human being, you've failed. Especially if you've named your child December. Why not Decagon? Or Decimate? Anything with the Roman prefix for ten is really popular this year! Decompose! Oh wait. That's different somehow. Maybe December was actually named after Francis E. Dec! Now that's something of which I can approve! Normally, I would say, "That's something I can approve of!" But I wanted to sound more sober than I actually am.

Getting back to that mysterious figure, I don't know who it is. Ra's al Ghul? Did he set this all up as a Halloween prank? I still hope it's Bruce Wayne trying to find the Fountain of Undeath to toss Damian into. Although Bruce has lost Damian's corpse, so it really isn't going to help him any.

Underground, Jason Todd and the League of Assassins are busy trying to keep The Untitled out of the pool.

Really? Because I'm fairly certain there are only six or seven of them. The unamnesiac Jason Todd could have taken care of them with his memories tied behind his back! Oh wait....

I guess when your enemies can turn into amorphous blobs of ghostly sentimentality when they're stabbed in the face, six or seven is all that are needed to wipe the floor of Assassinsville with your still beating heart. Luckily Jason Todd is getting advice from his Magic Swords, so he doesn't have to rely on his memory to remind him that The Untitled can be killed by copper. This whole amnesia thing at least gives The Untitled lass from way back in Issue 3 or 4 an out for letting that secret slip! That was almost embarrassing!

Meanwhile Roy Harper is sitting in prison beneath the surface of the beneath the surface city of 'Eth Alth'Eban. I hope I didn't just summon a Great Old One by typing that! Hopefully if I did, it'll be confused by the change back to Standard Time and he'll wind up where I will be an hour before I get there! Except all I do is sit at my desk or in front of the Xbox, so that probably won't help any.

Anyway, Roy is sitting in a cell talking to Cheshire who is sitting outside the cell masturbating. Well, she's not actually masturbating because this isn't a Mature Comic and, from what I've heard from my friend J.T., masturbation doesn't exist in the DC Universe. That might explain a lot of shit! Especially Batman! That guy is pent the fuck up. No, Cheshire is not masturbating. But she's staring at Roy Harper and thinking about fucking his face and his fist and probably his feet and most especially his cock and probably fucking him with her fist and maybe with his quiver and probably fiddling about the edges of his anus with just the tip of his great, big, massive bow. But then, who hasn't had those thoughts about Roy Harper? Well, I haven't! I hate him! He's the stupidest motherfucker in The New 52! Fans of Roy Harper should actually be upset that he wasn't sidelined for this shit!

Oh God Damn It! I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm sorry, okay? OKAY?!

Last issue, I was bitching that the writers kept telling us how caring and sweet and emotional Roy Harper was but the comic book wasn't actually showing that side of his character. He just kept doing selfish shit while acting like a smart mouthed jerk. This is the first time I'm actually believing there's more to him! I've been waiting for this moment since James Tynion took over the writing duties. I knew Lobdell was never going to make him anything more than a mouth with smart remarks. And by smart, I mean irritatingly stupid, actually. But you know, smart remarks is the idiom people understand. They don't say, "Enough with the irritatingly stupid remarks, irritatingly stupid mouth!" Although they really should.

Anyway, it's those tears that finally get Roy Harper fucked by Cheshire! Which is actually counterproductive to what he supposedly just confessed because here he is getting selfishly laid while his best buddy fights for his life and his other best buddy sits in chains which is her worst nightmare. Good for you, Roy!

This is going to be my go-to post-coitus line from now on!

For some reason, Roy Harper's story is the most interesting part of this book this month. Back at the big battle, Jason Todd has discovered that he can kill The Untitled by dunking them in the Well of Sins. Or maybe he's just being tricked, right? Maybe that's what they want! It's hard to tell because comic books like to alter reality every few pages and call it a "twist" as opposed to "the writer changing his mind mid-script." Jason also discovers that his memory wasn't just wiped but that Ducra fucked with it somehow. She may have even implanted herself in there like a disgusting spider that lays eggs in your brain after you've gone out in a beehive hairdo.

The leader of The Untitled, Ducky McSideburns, is shoved in the well and has his powers sucked out of him, turning him back into a real boy. Afterward, Lady Shiva and her army of Manbats begin gathering up the rest of The Untitled and tossing them into the Well.

Umm, Lady Shiva? That outfit might be just a little bit too tight.

While Cheshire takes Roy to see Starfire, the mysterious Assassin's Creed Cosplayer arrives to nitpick Jason Todd's successful campaign against The Untitled. He's also come to take a dunk in the now re-powered Well of Sins because it's been a long time since he's had a nice long bath in a decent Lazarus Pit. Most of the other ones he's soaked in were mostly composed of urine and bits of dead flesh.

I thought about scanning the full page reveal that it is Ra's al Ghul but this page is better in that it sums up the first two years of Red Hood and the Outlaws in one page. And it's a much better read! And quicker!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Yay for the end of The Untitled arc! Hip hip yippee! Perhaps James Tynion will now feel free to abandon every single piece of shit plot hook left by Scott Lobdell and turn this into a comic book worth reading! And maybe Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins will eventually get their own title!

Addendum (that has nothing to do with Red Hood but should go somewhere): One of the worst things about life is not being able to control even the things that seem inherently under your own control. Over the last month or two, this blog has seemed like a chore. I would write a commentary and just be sad that it wasn't what it should be. I wind up disappointed and upset that I'm failing the readers. And I always feel I could change that, if I just tried harder! If I just put more into it! Somehow it was my own lack of desire to write commentaries that would make myself laugh when I reread them. But this happens occasionally, of course. I know this. I live it. The brain chemistry goes through its cycles, its motions. And eventually I return to the point where writing the commentaries comes naturally and fills me with energy. There's a manic rush where my mind throws out too many responses to everything I'm reading. Maybe too much sometimes as I mix up everything I'm trying to say! But those commentaries can be funny too as they boggle the mind and you just have to wonder, "What the fuck is that guy thinking?" Even I don't know sometimes, just a month later when I reread them! But getting through those times when I'd rather be in bed sleeping than reading comic books can be pretty fucking annoying. But right now? I'll embrace this feeling. Let's read more comic books, shall we?!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23

I don't think I'm ever going to like Speedy. At first I just thought it was the way Scott Lobdell was writing him. But I'm beginning to suspect that he's just an asshole. But he's an asshole that the writer keeps telling the reader is actually a great guy with a warm heart and full of emotions. But you'll never see that part of him which is why the writers have to keep stating it. Which makes me believe it isn't actually true, is it? He's just a stupid prick that can kill anyone with anything. I think people really like him from DC's Animated Universe. But since this isn't that, I wouldn't know. He's simply been a grating, awful, self-involved piece of shit that is in love with the idea that he can have a best friend and girlfriend but would probably leave them freezing in the snow for a couple ounces of heroin.

Go on! Convince me that I'm wrong, Speedy Freaks!

Last issue, Roy Harper was proving that he can be a good friend by assaulting the City of Assassins to save his best buddy in all the world, Amnesiac Jason Todd. And since Jason Todd has no memories, he's not actually Roy Harper's friend. Which is why Roy is so pissed off. I mean, concerned. He's concerned about his buddy and not angry that nobody loves him anymore. Jason Todd was busy deciding that the League of Assassins must be his friends because they did so many dickish things to kidnap him. And Starfire was busy learning, from Essence, that The Untitled were going to take over the world by using that idiot Roy Harper as their puppet. Now that we're all caught up on my dislike for Roy Harper, what say we read this shit, eh?

Before all hell breaks loose, I should do some Master Comic Book Reader speculation. Here's my prediction: Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire will become besties again and have a long hug and go back to doing whatever the fuck they've been doing in this comic book. Dating each other? Dissing Batman and Superman? Having loads of sex? Grumbling? Whinging? Having a laugh?

The main question is: will Jason Todd get his memory back? Of course he will! Through the power of love and being annoying! Jason Todd will be ready to kill Roy Harper and Roy will say, "I won't kill you, buddy. So do whatever you must. I love you in a meaningful, manful way that probably doesn't involve erections but, well, you can never count that shit out. We do live on a deserted island. If Starfire ever stopped putting out, you might want to fletch my love shaft, right? That's arrow terminology!"

Last issue ended with Roy Harper at the Gates of Assassinsville (that should be a Facebook game. Get on it, coders. And toss me 1% of profits for the idea. Except it won't be fun or awesome without me writing the mechanics, so good fucking luck making another boring fucking internet game), so of course this issue begins with him in the middle of the city near the Fountain he needs to destroy while being hassled by Manbats.

Holy Manbats! That's a lot of Manbats. And yet Rictus told Lady Shiva last issue that he thought they might be running out of them due to her deadly training methods. Rictus may be some kind of super robot but he sucks at doing calculations.

After drugging the Manbats with his Propeller Monkey Balls filled with Darts dipped in Mad Hatter Freakout Tea, Roy encounters December Graystone, 12th Level Magic-user. Not Wild Mage. Or Sorcerer. Or Elementalist. Magic-user! That really is kind of a dumb name for a character class. Why isn't the Fighting Man the "Sword-user" or the Cleric the "Healing Spell-user"?

Oh, come one! Goths don't dance! They just kind of shuffle a bit while trying not to set each other on fire with their apathetically held cigarettes. Although December does look more like a Spooky Kid and I don't know what they do instead of dance. Make fun of the Goths dancing?

Speedy takes his Domino Mask off for a bit because Julius or Wayne or Walden or Nei or Daniel or Ray or Ian wasn't paying attention. Instead of listing all of the artists names like I just did, I should actually say Rickey Purdin and Eddie Berganza weren't paying attention because, you know, editors? Hopefully his bullet repelling shield also shielded his identity from being discovered since once Cheshire teleports into his shield and removes the generator from his crotch, his mask reappears on his face. Whew! That was a close one!

Next, Speedy shorts out Cheshire's teleport control in her wrist which makes it go haywire. She disappears so that she can return to fuck Speedy later. One thing The New 52 doesn't really know how to deal with is the relationships that existed in the Preboot era. Most of them are all really being forced because nobody wants to wait month after month to build and reestablish the sexual tension that had existed for so long previously. So we get this shit where Beast Boy and Terra instantly begin dating, and Cheshire and Roy can't stop making comments about how much they'd like to forget about the other one's sense of ethics and elope to Bonetown, and Cassie Sandsmark, after having nearly been killed by Superboy, can't help thinking to herself how hot he is for a big rapey jerk. Although now that Red Robin is fucking everybody on the Teen Titans, that Superboy thing might sort itself out. Also, Superboy has become a much better character since Justin Jordan took over. Too bad Jordan hated working with Scott Lobdell as well and now he's going before he even got a chance to make Superboy interesting.

Back on the surface world, Drakar of the Untitled is speaking with some secret person about how that person helped The Untitled get to the brink of taking over the world. Who could it be?! It looks like Jason Todd. Does Jason Todd have a clone? Did I miss some stupid plot point by Scott Lobdell somewhere while I was busy banging my head against the wall? Maybe it's Bruce Wayne searching for the Well of Souls to heal Damian! That would actually be pretty fucking awesome if Bruce Wayne was behind all of this shit. Of course the Batman Incorporated timeline doesn't really work. But since Scott Lobdell fucked up the continuity between this and Batman Incorporated already, who the fuck cares if it doesn't quite work out? Not me!

Meanwhile, Jason Todd stops Roy before he can blow up the fountain. Well, at least long enough for Starfire to show up.

I hate this amnesia shit. There's nothing worse than a character with absolutely no motivation. Jason Todd wanted to forget so he forgets. Then he wants to remember because he forgot why he wanted to forget. Then he finds out the things he wanted to forget were bad things that his friends were keeping from him to help him keep them forgotten like he wanted. So then he decides they're jerks for keeping the fact that he's a killer a secret because he hates that he was a killer which is why he wanted to forget in the first place. And since these old friends were such big liars, Jason decided to hook up with a bunch of killers because he doesn't want to be known for being a killer. I'm totally following this!

Kori arrives in time to blow up Roy's super gun so that he can't blow up the fountain. I think Roy makes a sex joke when Starfire appears when Roy says, "You had to show up and rub it in, didn't you?" Right? Is that sexy?

Starfire meets Rictus the Broken Ghost Calculater and is quickly dropped down into the center of the Earth because he's a ghost robot and can change his density just like a ghost and/or a robot.

And then Roy meets the rest of the League of Assassins. Or a bunch of Breakfast Cereal Mascots.

They're magically delicious!

Getting his ass severely handed to him can't stop Roy Harper though! Pshaw! That's every fucking day of his life! You can't get a man at the bottom down, bitches! He shoots his first arrow of the night (although it's out of a gun. Fucking poseur) and destroys the fountain. He even predicts the exact comic book noise it makes when it collapses! He knows his destructive noises! I mean, he is Arsenal, after all! Although he'll always be Speedy to me.

Jason Todd takes up the leadership role as The Headmaster of the League of Assassins just in time to order the League not to kill Roy and Starfire. Whew! That was a close one! But what kind of fucking Assassin leader is he if his first order is not to kill? A shitty one, right? Plus he's arguing with a bipedal tiger man. This League is a joke!

Why does Bronze Tiger need to look like a tiger to do his job? DC's marketing assholes must think a Tiger Headed Fool will sell more comic books than a black man kicking major ass. I think the marketing department has a list of characters they think will sell the most books to those that will sell the least.

DC Marketing Pro-Tips!
1. White Heterosexual Male.
2. White Heterosexual Female.
3. Tiger Headed Humanoid.
4. Hispanic Heterosexual Female (generally supporting cast, non-super-powered).
5. Black Heterosexual Male.
6. Hispanic Gay Female.
7. White Gay Male.
8. Hispanic Heterosexual Male.
9. White Gay Female.
10. Black Heterosexual Female.
11. I think that's all the combinations that will sell. If we need more, ask Gail Simone.

Before Roy and Starfire are thrown in Assassin prison, they give Jason Todd their "We Still Love You!" speech.

Oh Jason! How could you have gotten everything so wrong?! Idiot.

Jesus. How would I navigate through the maze of everyday life without my knowledge of pop culture tropes? Realize that this is technically Jason Todd's first time every seeing this trope! He's experiencing the defeated friends still love you confusion for the first time ever! As if it doesn't happen all the fucking time! What a lucky bastard! I bet DC wishes they could have erased the actual memory of all of their fans instead of just asking the fans to sort of kind of ignore the past and pretend everything is new again.

And then The Untitled attack and it's up to Jason Todd to bring balance to the force.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Not that I was overly impressed by this issue but at least it didn't bore me and I enjoyed it as much as any comic book I'd pick up if it were in arm's reach and my cat was on my lap so I couldn't go anywhere. Roy was annoying but I suppose he's meant to be. Starfire was too easily defeated just by making her feel fat. And Jason Todd seemingly can only defeat The Untitled and bring balance to the world by losing his memories and leading a bunch of Assassins in battle. Assassins that somehow believe they're going to turn the world into a Utopia. What? How? By allowing anybody that's pissed at anybody else to murder them? Sure, that may seem great in the short term! "Fucker bumped me and made me spill my coffee? Dead!" I mean, that might feel good while you're still angry about your spilled coffee. But after the anger subsides, you're going to start wondering if maybe you overreacted a bit. I'm not sure the world is ready for this kind of overwhelming guilt.