Justice League of America #11

Oh no. It is Clayface. Look out Martian Manhunter. You are about to be mildly inconvenienced.

The issue begins with a recap of recent events by Martian Manhunter but since I don't like any of the recent events in Justice League of America, I won't be discussing them. Instead, how about a fight between Martian Manhunter and Clayface? That should last two panels.

Except J'onn can't seem to utilize any of his 15,000 different powers, so he's choked into unconsciousness where he has a vision. You know what? That doesn't really end on a strong joke, does it? More of a half-assed observation. Perhaps I should make it funny by adding a stupid word: BAZINGA! Ha ha! Oh yeah. Tears in the eyes now.

Martians do not need nipples because they feed their babies Oreo cookies.

Stargirl comes back from wasting time trying to save her stupid family to save J'onn J'onzz because she realized that he and the Justice League of America are her real family. Mostly because her step father's former career as an adult sidekick to a child super-hero embarrasses the hell out of her. Way to pick a real winner, mom! That was probably what Stargirl was thinking and not something which I've ever thought ever in my lifetime at all. Especially when my mom was dating that guy that kind of looked like Doug Henning and could do card tricks and had an orange van with an airbrushed scene of a glorious sunset on it. I wonder if I'd think that guy was as cool now as I did when I was six?

That's not cool, Stargirl. He can't help the way he looks. Oh wait. He's practically the only person in the world that can! Never mind.

Isn't anybody else curious about Clayface's biology? Let's pretend that his magic shapeshifter Native American clay keeps him alive somehow. Fine. Dandy. But how does he see? How does he compute thoughts? Digest? Speak for fucking mother's sake! I suppose, even though I really don't want to suppose this, that if I'm already pretending that magic is doing one thing, I might as well account for magic doing it all! I'm just trying to be extra cautious because I don't want my ability to suspend disbelief splitting into my daily life! Because the next thing you know, I'll be believing in God.

That is so uncalled for. He is not a monster! He's a human being! I think Skylar Merrick said that first. You know, before suffocating himself because he got tired of good looking assholes asking, "What are? 'Elephant Man'?!"

With that final insult, Stargirl breaks Clayface, turning him into a crying lump of tear-soaked clay. Martian Manhunter watches and thinks (no, he doesn't actually "think." He Narration Boxes but whatever. Stupid modern comic book conventions that don't really fucking know how to appropriately make a character think anymore and instead allow them to act as an omniscient narrator) about how this is the first time he's seen Stargirl take control and earn her place in the squad. Of course it's the first time you've seen it! Usually Amanda Waller just forces her to stay in her room when the team goes on missions! Plus, you're a fucking telepath so you probably should have known she had this in her.

As Stargirl helps up J'onn, she continues with her insults!

Why you gotta fucking pick on his appearance now?!

Now that Stargirl has saved (and insulted) J'onn, she offers to fly him wherever he needs to go to begin looking for Firestorm but she's going to Los Angeles to find her family. Also, she tempts J'onn with pigging out on cookies! Maybe she'll be his gateway into the orgiastic land of the Oreos! Also, Despero begins to follow them. Man-Bat too but he sucks and hopefully he just got a stupid cameo and stays out of the plot.

As they fly to Denver, J'onn insults Stargirl's entire generation, so maybe he deserves to be called weird looking. But he does keep it to himself, so at least he has a little bit of tact even if he's looking down his nose at the youngsters all around him as lazy, selfish bastards.

In Denver, Stargirl battles a monster robot while she remembers the sadness at the pit of her perkiness. But she's also noticing something weird about their exploits in Denver. And Despero is there and muttering about how they're breaking away from the template. Why am I even bothering with this comic book?! Everything in it since Forever Evil has just been a mindfuck! The JLA is basically on hiatus until they're ready for their part in the story. So now are Stargirl and J'onn really traveling west? Are they trapped somewhere in the thrall of Despero and only believe they're traveling? Who can tell? I certainly can't!

I'm just going to sit back and finish this comic book now so that I can stop speculating on nonsense that probably isn't even really happening! Maybe I'll eat a cookie too.

Oh well, there were only a couple of pages left. The issue ends with Despero kicking Martian Manhunter out of the sky and declaring him dead before drowning Stargirl and fleeing the scene. Stargirl is still conscious when Despero leaves and J'onn is by no means dead just because Despero put his feet in his back. So Despero is either way too confident in his powers or he's just distracting them so they don't realize that they're still in The Matrix.

Justice League of America #11 Rating: No change. Fuck you, DC. I suppose I should be grateful that you aren't charging $3.99 for every single one of your comics. But I'm not happy that your $2.99 comic books are only 20 pages and I'm certainly not excited that your shiny covered $3.99 comic books now only have 22 pages. Look, I don't want to say this next thing but you've really driven me to shouting junior high school witticisms here: Suck my fucking cock you cock monkeys! Okay. I feel better now. Can Justice League of America actually come out and play soon?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4

What secret? That glass is fragile and breaks? What are we talking about here?

This issue is called "What Any Man Would Do." Okay! I'm ready to argue about something now! I'm a man and I wouldn't do that! I don't know what that is yet but I'm sure I wouldn't do it! Unless what any man would do is lick a butthole and then I have to say, "Oh, yeah. Any man would do that!" Especially Diana's butthole! If you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're wondering how a man must feel when he thinks about licking Diana's butthole, just replace Diana with Dick Grayson and you'll see what I mean! Now I've managed to get everybody but the asexuals all hot and bothered with all this butthole licking imagery. I've probably also grossed some people out but those people just don't know what they're missing and haven't learned how to live and probably think they've made a valid life decision by choosing to not lick buttholes! Anyway, who am I to argue with their obstinacy and wrongheadedness?

Maybe I should change the subject before I start asking Lord Google to show me butthole licking images! Oh! I bet that's "What Any Man Would Do!" Search for pornography on the internet! I guess Wonder Woman is about to check Superman's internet search history. I bet his most often tried search entry is "naked pictures of Lois Lane." You know, just in case that ever happens and good old Jonathan Carroll posts them on his Tumblr, Journalistic Douchebag.

I don't know why but I felt this image of Zod should be left here. Seemed pertinent.

Diana has been trying to get Superman to reveal his identity as Clark Kent to the world so that they don't have to hide their relationship. And now that their relationship has been exposed, she still wants him to reveal his identity so that they can be together whenever they want. She kind of has a point. Superman doesn't need his identity in the same way that Batman does. Superman doesn't have any family that he's trying to protect. At this point, he'd just be protecting Clark Kent's friends and acquaintances. But he only has those friends and acquaintances because he insists on being Clark Kent. Drop the secret identity and stop working at the Daily Planet and he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Oh wait. He doesn't even work at the Daily Planet anymore! Besides, the only people that would be threatened would be Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane. And they already treat Superman as their Get Out of Trouble Free card anyway. They take unnecessary risks in their job because Superman always seems to be around to save them. I don't think much would change if Superman exposed himself. Giggle.

Clark's argument is that he enjoys the difficulty of writing and being a normal person. Right. You know what's not difficult? Being Superman and playing at being a normal person. The safety net really does change everything, Clark.

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman takes out his Phantom Zone lens so Zod can teach him about Doomsday. I'm still unsure about The New 52 history of Doomsday since Superman seems to be unfamiliar with Doomsday in this book but I thought Superman had been killed by him at least once by now. Maybe Superman died from Bird Flu and that's the death and resurrection he was discussing with Alec Holland way back in Swamp Thing #1. Zod also shows Superman that his Menagerie cages are merely Kryptonian Shipping Containers which dissolve when someone says "Default" in Kryptonian.

Where the fuck did Superman get all of his Kryptonian technology? Did he steal it out of The Bottled City of Kandor and have it biggie sized?

Anyway, General Zod shows that the word works on all of the containers equally well and Superman is left to do what any man would do. Not that! Um, something else!

"Faora must be free of the Phantom Zone! I must make her butthole tangible!"

I guess the title applies to Zod as well as Clark. Although it looks like Zod will do anything for love but Superman won't. Now I have to play my iTunes or Meatloaf is going to be stuck in my head. Preemptive earworm strike! "Who Do You Think We Are?" by Alice Cooper will drive Meatloaf away!

Superman is unable to stop Zod from pulling Faora out of the Phantom Zone as "When the Party's Over" by Janis Ian plays in the background.

During this entire struggle, Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about the nature of their relationship and whether she should even care one way or the other if it's hidden or not. I think what it comes down to is Wonder Woman would give everything to save Superman in much the same way that Zod gives everything to save Faora. The question is where does Clark's loyalty lie if he's unwilling to give up his human guise for Diana? Will he sacrifice her for humanity? Will he do what any man would do? Why won't he just get his tongue right up in there? It's not like she uses Kryptonite suppositories.

And another question comes to mind. What would Faora do for Zod? Is she as in to him as he's in to her? Or has she been spending the long, lonely Phantom Zone nights rimjobbing Doomsday? It's a legitimate concern!

The back-up story tells the story of Clark and Cat celebrating their big Superman Loves Wonder Woman scoop. It's mostly a double page spread of Superman and Wonder Woman messing up their underpants as they kiss with a bunch of characters' reactions to their relationship in the background.

They must not have dibs on Krypton.

I usually scan pictures of characters kissing but this shot is more important than the mouth action.

The Man of Steel's penis suddenly pressing against you can't be comfortable. Like running full speed into a piece of rebar sticking out of a concrete wall.

Cat's boyfriend Aaron is an evil genius in the making. He's working on an instant learning machine that downloads whatever you need right into your brain. If you sit in it the correct way. I imagine it does something else if you stick your ass in first.

Lex Luthor reacts to the news in much the same way Batman does. Batman is angry because he always thinks the worst will come of any situation. Luthor is mad because somebody else is fucking his man. Up until now, Superman easily could have been gay and Lex had hope. But now he just has to hope that Superman has found himself an Amazonian beard or else Lex's dreams of a happily ever after have just gone down the prison toilet.

Diana's reaction is to head back to Themyscira to check on her snakes. Clark's reaction is to question why the picture of Superman and Wonder Woman would have been sent to Clark Kent's little blog. That's the kind of question Batman would ask! Oh, and Clark Kent since he's an investigative journalist!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Zod stuff was fairly pedestrian and I was ready to not raise the rank of this comic book but then I so enjoyed the back-up story, I changed my mind. And my underpants.

Justice League 3000 #2

Go go Locus dance power!

Fuck you all! Locus is my new favoritist favorite of all time favorite! None of you assholes like her more than I do so go suck your dad's cock! Again! Ha ha! Good one, me and Judd Winick! Man, I wish Judd Winick read my blog. I bet he and I would be the best of friends. Except for the fact that I'm overly facetious and usually everything less than serious and he seems a bit sentimental and emotionally stolid. I'm going to start coining terms like "emotionally stolid" which cancel themselves out and become non-descriptors! You can't use those without paying me royalties, you thieving leeches. Go come up with your own ideas on your own boring blogs!

Anyway, getting back to me and my inexpressible love of Locus, I just wanted everybody to know that I loved her the most first and every other person out there that eventually likes her is jumping on my bandwagon and you'd better fucking get the hell off of it right now! Geez! It feels so good to be so overly enthusiastic about something that you can only make other people feel bad about the thing you love! It's exhilarating! No wonder people do this shit all the time!

Boy (or Girl although that sounds weird. Watch. I'll start over). Girl, I hope Locus is an awesome character now. See? "Girl" completely changes the attitude of the speaker (which is me!) from a person telling another person something as opposed to "Boy" which expresses something different that I would explain but it's way over your head and you wouldn't understand it at all.

What's wrong with me? Every time I see somebody wearing a normal Superman shirt, I immediately think the "S" is backwards and they're wearing a Bizarro shirt. Is it wishful thinking or do I have a learning disability? "I'm sorry, Tess. You've got Super-Dyslexia. The good news is it only affects Superman's logo. The bad news is you're going to look like a right asshole every time you scream 'Bizarro!' at people wearing Superman shirts."

The title of this issue is "Things Fall Apart" so yet another instance where somebody is pulling lines out of my favoritest favorite of all time favorite poem that I'm sick of everybody quoting already. Just knock it off! You don't get it the way I get it! Especially if the first time you heard it was watching that awful fucking show Heroes (some of it was not awful but most of it was based on lazy story telling so suck it, Heroes!).

This is my favoritest favorite of all time favorite little alien guy that you probably didn't notice while reading this comic book because you're in no way even as close to as observant as I am! Although you might be able to form better sentences than me. At least my Uncle Jerry can't form better sentences than me because he would have corrected me after that last sentence and said, "than I." The big dope!

Currently, The Justice League 3000 Gang are busy trying to invade Flatmas 12 for some reason. They probably need to defeat one of the Five. The Five are like Legion of Doom 3000 but with less members and better technology. One of them is probably named Lucas! I mean Locus!

Terry and Teri, the Wonder Twins, are trying to micro-manage The JL3K Gang since the JL3K Gang really don't know what they're exactly capable of. At this point, their bodies and minds are translations of translations of translations and there have been some fairly glaring errors in some of the iterations so that they don't exactly remember what they are capable and incapable of doing.

Does the Imperium actually need to be taken down? Maybe you should take a closer look at yourselves and ask, "What is it about *me* that I don't fit in?"

As The Wonder Twins discuss the current JL3K Gang mission, Terry (unless it's Teri) mentions "The Persuader." So the Five that the JL3K Gang are going up against are merely The Fatal Five? Did the JL3K Gang simply replace The Legion of Super-Heroes in this future? A future where Cadmus has continued to somehow persist for countless generations? Countless being a figurative usage of the term since I'm sure somebody with a really good calculator could come up with a number. I hope Brother Eye and OMAC have been left in the past. Although I'm sure Maxwell Lord still exists as a talking head or something. He probably runs this entire operation.

Intelligence reports indicate that the fabulous Locus has been seen on Flatmas 12 and this freaks the fuck out of the Wonder Twins. Apparently Locus can control reality which means she can turn forks into spoons or force cats to live with dogs. She can also turn shriveled old cynical hearts into fully blossoming emotional love muscles. *swoon*

Superman 3000 is a stupid prick.

And then finally, at a bar on Flatmas 12, we get our first look at Locus. And she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She's bitter and angry and resentful and full of venomous words that I can't get enough of! Make me swell with your aural venom, Locus! Take me in your mouth and rend me in half with your vicious, biting words! Lift me up into the cynicism of your desperation! Hug me with your romantic despair! Fill up every one of my orifices with your embittered oratory until I'm black and blue from the anti-coagulants of your spiteful anger! This is one unstolid dream kitten and I've got the biggest love boner in the world.

You can't get in sexual harassment trouble from love boners! They are romantic instead of inappropriate!

If only I'd met this vision in real life at the ice rink I spent so much time in in my youth! Couples Skate? Yes please! *swoon*

Locus is not one of the Five but just the bestest underling any evil organization could ever have! But besides Persuader, Coeval is another one of the Five. Coeval is a "spontaneously generated Glimmernet life-form." I'm sure there's a genius reason why it's called "Coeval" but I can't come up with it. I think it was created when the Universe began or something. Except Glimmernet didn't exist then so maybe something else. Fuck, don't look at me! Come up with your own theories and then tell them to me and then I'll say "Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well" and take the wind out of your sails by showing you that your idea was so beneath me that I'd considered it and discarded it in practically the same instant. I suppose I could also say "meh" and just shit right in your mouth. Anybody on the internet that has ever answered you with "meh" basically pooped in your open mouth. And you probably liked it!

Before the JL3K Gang can get a lay of the land and begin their mission, Locus welcomes them to Flatmas 12.

Get away from her, "Green" Lantern! I don't really know why I put "Green" in quotes but I'm sure it was an incredibly insulting commentary on how clumsy he is with his penis.

Superman quickly gets his ass beat by Locus and then Wonder Woman queues up for her turn. Also Locus begins calling Green Lantern her boyfriend but he's not buying into it. What an idiot. Also, how good can her reality controlling powers be if she can't just make Green Lantern desire her?

Ick. That ability is a bit of a turn off. I think I still love Locus but I'm going to have to be sick while I gaze dreamily at her over the vomit bucket.

So The Flash 3000 has just been broken down to his messy, base constituents. Hopefully one of the powers he has that he didn't know about is reforming himself from a pile of goo.

Locus shrinks Green Lantern 3000 down and swallows him while saying something sexy about being safe and sound inside her. And then she teleports the last living members of the JL3K Gang to a place called Takron-Galtos where Coeval will be waiting to fuck with them.

Justice League 3000 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, sure. Locus's character has some sexist and superficial aspects written into it. But I just can't bring myself to be too concerned when she looks at me with those reality distorting eyes and that "I can turn you into dog shit" grin. She's the kind of woman I long to be subjugated by! Until I actually meet her and realize I can't stand her fucking bullshit and she was much better as simply a fantasy which probably speaks to the dangers of projecting your fantasies and fetishes on other individuals. But you can't consider that kind of intellectual mumbo jumbo if you want to live life! You just have to throw yourself into the ring, flawed thinking and dysfunctional habits and all! Go get 'em, you sexist, racist, misanthropic miserable fucking bastards! Grab life by the balls and make a complete fucking cunt of yourself! You can apologize and feel shame later. You know, if you're not a complete sociopath.

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.

Stormwatch #27

I hear Crayola Timelords burn for thirty minutes.

This book is just all over the fucking place. Last issue was a thinly veiled morality play warning the readers about the dangers of Fundamentalist thought. It was kind of a time out issue where Stormwatch learned the motivations of The Crayola Timelords as Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? stood by and waited for Stormwatch to return to Earth. Each group had one piece of some cosmic thingamajig or something. Fuck. Who cares, right? This comic book went off the rails a long fucking time ago and it's just barreling across the landscape running over children and stray cats on its way to plummeting over a cliff into Cancellation Canyon.

One of the many civilians on board Skywatch that do contract work like cooking fish sticks and tater tots every Wednesday or unclogging the toilet after Midnighter gets through with it (look, he knows everything's secret weakness! He probably destroys every toilet bowl he sits on through sheer instinct) has been stealing Stormwatch secrets and passing them on to Martian Manhunter. J'onn is probably curious about Stormwatch because he keeps having a recurring dream that he once worked for them but nobody remembers him working for them because he erased all of their memories but then he lost his memory of working for them as well because none of that ever happened in this Magenta Timeline. Unless we're in the Black Timeline now. I told you I'm not paying close enough attention to this train wreck anymore. Anyway, that civilian's memories are erased and he's fired without pay and he probably also has to reimburse Stormwatch for any food he ate while on Skywatch. It was all right there in the fine print in the contract he signed, right next to the part where he wasn't supposed to steal any Fizzy Lifting Juice.

This issue is finally going to get to Stormwatch's plan to defeat the Crayola Timelords. They're going to meet up with Excremax the Ohmergerd and Mordak the Who? to offer to team up with them against the Crayola Timelords. I think the negotiations will involve a bunch of punching each other in the face until the Crayola Timelords arrive to fuck with time and everyone goes, "Oh hey! Let's punch those assholes in the face now!"

Looks like the meeting is off to a successful start!

Storm Control has decided to send a small group to deal with the negotiations consisting of Jenny Soul, A-I (still in The Engineer's body), Apollo, and Hellstrike. I know Hellstrike is only along as a bodyguard but do you think it's really a good idea to send a racist, homophobic asshole into a diplomatic situation? What if Excremax the Ohmergerd declares that each of the members of the diplomatic party have to cup his testicles to swear allegiance and Hellstrike declares, "I don't make deals with Nancy boys!" I guess then Apollo would melt Hellstrike's face. So maybe that's why Apollo is there!

You know, I don't like this plan at all. Just send in Midnighter. He's the guy to get the job done. Why the fuck is he being left back on Skywatch? Storm Control has no idea what he's doing.

Maybe I should discuss the battle. First let me show you the "battle" between Apollo and Mordak the Who?

Knockout in three panels! I think.

What the fuck kind of a fight scene was that? Mordak grabs Apollo! Oh no! How will Apollo get free!? Um, who the fuck knows since all we get is a close up of Apollo's face and then Mordak is split right down the middle. By the look on his face, I'd guess Apollo simply clenched his butt cheeks really hard and Mordak was destroyed.

Meanwhile Storm Control finally removes his space suit to reveal his true identity.

Maybe it's not true in the strictest meaning of the word true. Unless he actually is Martian Manhunter and not just doing a really good cosplay of him. It's hard to know what the fuck is what since the Crayola Timelords fucked with the timeline!

Back aboard Excremax the Ohmergerd's ship (it might be called Warworld unless Jim Starlin has come up with a different name for the same fucking idea he keeps having), the negotiators continue their negotiations. Back on Earth, Storm Control disguised as Martian Manhunter attempts to enter A.R.G.U.S. so that he can destroy the information that the real Martian Manhunter apparently stole. This might wind up being a Tyler Durden situation. But before any more can be revealed on Earth, Hawkman interrupts and forces the story to bounce back to the negotiations. Damn it all! Can't you finish one scene at a time, Jim Starlin?!

Apparently Excremax the Ohmergerd notices that a Crayola Timelord has traveled to Earth's distant past to destroy the human race before they ever appear. But he apparently fails, time travel being what it is, since none of the humans in Stormwatch suddenly wink out of existence. Time travel also being what it is (I'm going to keep saying that until it makes sense), Excremax and Jenny Soul travel back in time to stop the Crayola Timelord which they must do. Time travel, you know, being what it is.

Not Mordak the Where?! Mordak the Who?!

Excremax and Jenny Soul wind up in the time of dinosaurs which would be one of those eras that ends in an "ic." Maybe. Nobody actually knows. I guess the Crayola Timelord figured the easiest way to kill humans was to catch them when they're tiny and furry little burrowing mammals. Unless mankind was actually brought down to Earth as slaves for the Anunnaki. Maybe that's why the Crayola Timelord appeared so far in the Earth's past! He's going to have to battle the Anunnaki and destroy all of their slaves before they become mankind.

Stormwatch #27 Rating: No change. Fuck this issue! Lobo didn't even make an appearance! And Midnighter was benched! And Hawkman had a guest appearance? I don't think they could have gotten a worse hero to guest star! And why was he so angry at J'onn J'onzz? Oh wait. Hawkman is always angry. Never mind. I suppose I owe some reader an apology. I don't remember the reader but this person once said that he or she just stopped buying a comic book (I think it might have been Swords of Sorcery) when they found it was cancelled. I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to do, especially if you like a comic book. Who cares if you know the story is going to stop sometime in the future? Well, now I think I know how this reader felt. Stormwatch has been falling apart for so long that now that I know it's over soon, I'm barely giving it much thought. I know I'm not going to really need to remember what's going on for the last few issues! Hell, I haven't been following what's actually going on for the previous few issues! Maybe I should just stop reading it! No, no. They can't leave Lobo out of the story entirely for two issues running. Besides, he has to extinguish the Pilot Light of the Magenta Timeline and set everything back to normal.

Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.

Green Lantern #27

Whenever I see Venditti's name on the cover of a comic book, I think of Demon Knights and get sad.

You know what I could watch all day, over and over? That scene in the second episode of The Venture Brothers where Brock Samson says, "They hit me with a truck." And then he proceeds to run over as many of The Monarch's henchman as he can. If I owned a club or a bar, I'd have that scene on a loop playing over and over and over again on a huge television behind the bar surrounded by dozens of bottles of expensive alcohol. Also, Doctor Girlfriend is super sexy. Deep voice, protruding Adam's Apple, and all.

Back to Hal Jordan, he's currently watching over Saint Walker in the new Green Lantern Corps Hospital. Even though Hal Jordan is on a crusade to stop other Lanterns from using the Emotional Spectrum, I bet he gives Saint Walker a pass! Because Saint Walker is useful to Hal Jordan's ring-slinging.

Well, that thankfully takes care of that! Now Hal won't look like a gigantic hypocrite. Again!

Judd Winick should get royalties every time I append "again" to a sentence.

After Hal walks away from Saint Walker calling him a fucking quitter, he meets up with Kilowog to discuss capturing the Sinestro Corps. The only problem is they have no idea where the Yellow Lanterns are. I wouldn't worry too much about them since the Yellow Spectrum wasn't refilled because Parallax never made the party. Although Sinestro did show up in the latest Forever Evil, so I guess it won't be long before he and Hal are bickering. Kilowog also reminds Hal that they have all those other one shot stories they can work on when he mentions all of the prisoners that the Green Lantern Corps let go when Relic destroyed Oa. Chasing down a certain number of antagonists is always a good back-up plot to have on hand to fill the spaces when a writer can't be bothered to think about another cosmic crisis.

The Green Lantern Corps' first new prisoners since they moved their headquarters to Mogo arrive: PB Anj's henchmen, the Braidsmen. They try to escape because that's the first thing you do in a role playing game when the Gamemaster has unfairly gotten your party arrested and is transporting you from one location to another. This time it's not very successful and they're quickly stopped although the Green Lanterns have to kill a tiny part of the universe to do it by using their Emotional Spectrum.

Yeah, Mukmuk! "Let's see you on a bike!" -- My High School Friend, Trarry Lantham.

Nobody ever says, "Let's have at each other on completely equal and fair footing and see who bests the other!" It's always, "You only got the better of me because you had an advantage! Why don't you get rid of your advantage and give me an advantage, and then we'll see who's the strongest!" I don't know what would constitute a fair and equal fight against a humanoid and a giant fish creature though. Chess?

The entire escape was a distraction to allow a few of the Braidsmen to escape and meet up with a contact already placed within The Green Lantern Corps' civilian staff. Some of these people may or may not be Durlans. Mukmuk tries to get a headcount but he has trouble, so I'm guessing an evenly matched battle with the Braidsman should not involve math.

Anyway, the Braidsmen manage to get to Hal Jordan but not without raising the general alarm that they're loose. Their contact is a Durlan so after knocking out Hal Jordan, it takes his face. That's a pretty big surprise if you forgot to look at the cover this month.

Here's a gift, Tumblr! The Durlan mentioned gender! Now's your chance to point out why everything it just said is idiotic so you can prove how clever and enlightened you are!

Once the Durlan takes Hal Jordan's face, it decides to broadcast a message to every single citizen in the universe that has a subscription to the Green Lantern Satellite Sub-Etha Radio Channel. That message is that Hal Jordan and the Green Lanterns are a threat to the universe because their rings drain the Emotional Spectrum and once the Emotional Spectrum is gone, nobody will ever want to have sex again. Fake Hal Jordan goes on to say that the Green Lanterns don't give a shit and they will continue to use their rings. But they will arrest anybody else that tries to use the Emotional Spectrum. And since most everybody in the universe knows Hal Jordan's reputation for being a complete douchebag, they believe the message. A few panels show a few planets getting very angry although what the fuck do they care? I don't see any of the citizens running around wearing a ring. There must be a principle at play here that I'm conveniently not wanting to understand because I want to portray myself as a bit of a sociopath.

I guess the Green Lantern Corps keeps embassies on various planets around the universe because they all begin reporting in immediately that they're under attack by rioters. Then the Durlan runs back off in his Cook Disguise and the Braidsmen blow themselves up.

Even one of Hal's closest work associates (I wasn't completely comfortable saying "friend" even though they called each other friends earlier) believes the Durlan's horrible message was actually delivered by Hal!

Green Lantern #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fuck you, Hal Jordan! You're lucky I think you're a good character even though I hate you so much! The problem is that if Hal Jordan is really being written well, he's somebody I have no sympathy for at all. Like most of the characters in Mad Men! Now, Hal wasn't really annoying or douchebaggy in this issue which is why I had to begin my final "Review" paragraph cursing at him. I didn't get enough of that during the rest of my commentary! The most fascinating bit of this issue was the "Next Month" blurb where it says that Red Lanterns #28 will be incorporated into Green Lantern #28 AT NO ADDED COST! What are you doing, DC?! Giving away free shit?! Oh, I get it. This is an attempt to boost Red Lanterns numbers, isn't it? Well fuck! You should try boosting other titles this way! I'm all for a free comic book as often as possible!