Red Hood and the Outlaws #25

Definitely not The Joker!

Last issue, Ra's al Ghul said he spent three centuries working on the plan to get the Untitled back into the Primary Lazarus Pit to refill its power. So I'm guessing Ra's al Ghul is the dark figure controlling Jason Todd's destiny! Although it might also be Rebis.

Six years ago, Jason Todd was trying to take care of his addict mother during Gotham City's blackout. He's crying because he might be a mean, violent asshole. But he's really just a lost kid that misses his mother. While he's talking to...

Wait a second. Do I really have to read this? It's not like Jason Todd remembers any of it anyway?! So do I need to read about it? It's not like it'll give me great insight into who he is since he isn't the same person anymore. Or am I supposed to believe that this is a story that exposes his heart and his soul and hearts and souls are unaffected by amnesia? Because I'm not one of those people. You know the kind. The kind that think gut instinct is a real thing and not just a random thought that may or may not be true. Most people think gut instincts are true. They can't imagine that they could ever jump to a wrong conclusion, especially if somebody had once told them that they're very intuitive. You show me an intuitive person and I'll show you some stubborn asshole that's hard pressed to accept the truth if it ever goes against their gut instincts and reactions to first appearances.

Well, I'm going to read this comic book anyway. But I'm not going to enjoy it.

Jason's friend Chris has stopped by to tell him that he found the corpses of Red Hood #3 and Red Hood #4. He also lets Jason know that you can be anybody you want to be when you're nobody! Hey, that fits with Jason Todd now! Right now, he's nobody! So maybe he can become anybody! Hopefully he took Chris's advice to heart so that the amnesia couldn't get to it.

It's the Dark Figure! It looks like it could be Rebis! It's definitely not The Joker still!

Jason Todd winds up in an alley wearing the red hood while fighting a woman in a green jumpsuit wearing a katana on her back. It's definitely not Cheshire. But it could be Lady Shiva. But she is looking for the Red Hood Gang and now it would seem she's found one of its members! They decide to team up but that just means hanging around a warehouse talking until the Let's Get This Gang Back Together Red Hood Gang Meeting begins later that night. Chris knew about it for some reason. Probably because he's a street rat. I bet he spends a lot of his life spilling secrets to Batman after getting a sound beating.

The woman with the katana trained with Ducra but she could never quite figure out The Sacred Dragon Punch because her soul was too dark because she's probably Lady Shiva. But she just got done telling Jason that he's a quick learner so maybe she can teach the Sacred Dragon Punch to him! Then he can kill whomever it was meant for!

Possibly Lady Shiva eventually knocks out Jason Todd so that she can go to The Red Hood meeting alone and find the person she wants to kill. Meanwhile, Jason Todd wakes up in the alley with a menacing figure over his head.

Face melted off. White Carnation on the lapel. Crowbar. Okay, maybe it's The Joker. Although it does look a lot like Rebis!

The new guy in town leading the New Red Hood meeting is one of the Untitled. Lady Shiva (unless this is Talia! It could be Talia! It makes sense that it's probably Talia!) fails to do her Sacred Dragon Punch correctly. Actually, she must do it correctly because Jason Todd will wind up mimicking it and killing the Untitled guy (or knocking the Untitled out of the body its inhabiting. One of those). But Lady Shiva just isn't pure enough nor is she the One nor is she the Supreme Champion of the Universe. But Jason Todd is all of those things! Plus he kills people all justice style and has a cute butt and cute face and a huge fandom. So you know he's the best.

I bet after Jason Todd successfully completes the Sacred Dragon Punch, Lady Shiva/Talia/Not-Cheshire decides Ducra needs to meet him and that's why he eventually winds up in the Acres of All. But first he has to become Robin and get killed and then be resurrected. That's like years and years away from this moment.

And then Jason Todd successfully applies the Sacred Dragon Punch to the Untitled's chest.

Dammit. I was going to learn the Sacred Dragon Punch but it's only good for knocking immortality out of people. How many times in my life am I going to need to know do that? Three? Four?

After the beheading, Chris, Jason, and Shiva al Ghul make their escape while The Newly Jokerized Red Hood Leader blows the shit out of the old gang members. He even laughs a whole bunch to make sure everybody understands that The Red Hood really was The Joker. And then Jason wanders off and says he doesn't want to be nobody! He wants to be hisbody! And Lady Talia Shiva al Ghul rides away so that we can finally learn who she was without Jason Todd finding out as well.

Does Ra's have any other outfits? You'd think he'd have a suit for traveling. Or maybe some shorts and a nice, cotton t-shirt.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #25 Rating: +3 Ranking. It's nice that James Tynion IV is working so closely with Synder on all the Batman Myth stuff so that he can bring the Red Hood Leader's story over into this title and put a nice little period on The Joker's origin story. But not only that! Tynion really tied Jason Todd's story together rather nicely here. Talia saw his potential early on to work with the All-Caste. Then when he died, she had to resurrect him so that he and her father could use him to repower the Well of Sins. So now why he was resurrected by Talia and why he was sent to the All-Caste makes perfect sense. Very nicely done.

New Guardians #25

Now the Lost in Space theme song is stuck in my head.

I grew up watching reruns of Lost in Space on Channel 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Also Batman. And The Monkees. And Super Chicken. And George of the Jungle. I think it was Channel 36 which aired Ray Harryhausen movies on Thanksgiving which is why you'd find me in front of the television instead of spending time with my family. Well, that was just one of the reasons. Anyway, Lost in Space was an interesting show to watch as a young kid because I still didn't get the concept of situational episodic television and believed, every episode, that there was a chance that they'd get home.

I no longer believe anything good will ever happen. That kid is long dead, replaced by a cynical asshole that can't just enjoy anything. The world should stand trial for the murder of that sweet, stupid boy with bean dip all over his face grinning in amazement as Jason battled a dozen skeletons grown from the teeth of the Hydra! Can we all get together and bring a class action suit to the world for the death of innocence?

But now I'm part of that world! Hey, you young people! Don't read my comic book commentaries! Don't read any of my cynical rantings about the horrors of things that, at first glance, aren't horrible at all! Enjoy the shallow, fun, four color goodness that all comic books should be! Don't read my twisted versions of what is not explicitly stated in the dialogue and shown through the art! Stay Gold, Pony Boy! STAY GOLD!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris yelling at the Zamarons because her friend Kyle just sacrificed his life to save the universe and they had nothing to do with it. But they're just sitting there on their crystal thrones, oozing smugness with that place on their face in the air where their noses should be, basking in their authority and not shedding any tears for Kyle. Why shouldn't she yell at them? Fuck those assholes! Why don't they crawl into some black hole and fuck off like their ex-husbands, the Guardians?

Carol ditches them before they can put her in her place because she has to go find out that Kyle didn't actually die at all.

I guess needing everyone to believe Kyle was dead lasted all of one page? And that's how much of an affect huge cosmic crisis crossovers have on the continuing monthly comic books!

It turns out the only person that really can't know Kyle is alive is Hal although Carol is the only one that currently knows. And even though no explanation is immediately given, I get it. Sometimes you just want certain people in your life to go the fuck away. And it's not like Carol wouldn't have figured out he's alive anyway. She's a Love Sapphire! She loves Kyle, even if it is that kind of love reserved for puppies and younger brothers. She's still connected to him! What good is being a Love Lantern if you can't stay connected to the people you love?

The Bohemian Guardians are introducing Kyle to an old friend of theirs. Judging by his attitude and demeanor, I'd say this is the guy that makes their Cosmic LSD for them.

Look at Kyle trying to dominate Nias at first meeting with a fucking handshake!

In the panel after this one, Kyle actually forces a handshake on Nias. Fucking disrespectful. I can't stand this way of greeting people! Especially since people will actually be offended if you don't shake their hands. "Submit to my physical assessment of your personality which actually means nothing but I am conditioned to go through with or I will take it as the most sincerest of insults!" Fuck you, hand shakers! Knock it off already! I hope that shaking hands is the worst insult in the universe to the first race of alien beings we meet and we spiral into intergalactic war when our Space Ambassador decides to show them how we greet each other on Earth (and by "on Earth," I mean Western Civilization because by the time we meet alien races, you don't think McDonalds, Starbucks, Reality TV, and Levis won't have won the culture war? We've already forced most cultures that bow into shaking hands after bowing. Pushy jerks).

Look at that violence!

Apparently Kyle and Carol are here on Exuras because "Exuras is the greatest place in the universe!" Well, sure! Now that Piradell is a fascist hellhole. That must be why Nias is so excited. Exuras has just moved up from the number two greatest destination in the universe.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" which makes me need to listen to Johnette Napolitano's cover of the song now. I know, I know! That's probably blasphemy to all the Lou Reed fans out there! Don't flip out over inconsequential choices made by other people. My love of Johnette and her voice doesn't take away from your love of Reed and whatever it is you love about him. His cheerful demeanor? Now my own imagined conversation with the Velvet Underground fans has caused me to listen to both versions! I can't say it was a waste of time! Johnette's version is more polished (of fucking course) and rockier. It sounds a bit like an anthem. The Velvet Underground's is discordant and hazy, like wandering through an opium den high as fuck looking for the pipe you set down when you wandered off to look for the pipe you set down.

Now my iTunes is playing in the background while I read and I'm not sure if want to shut it down or not. I suppose I'll try reading and listening to music at the same time! That should ensure that I don't remember any of this in a few hours!

Although it kind of fits now with Carol and Kyle hanging out with Loudon Wainwright III singing "On the Rocks."

The first thing I notice about Exuras is that it has about three billion moons. And its moons also have moons because I think they might be planets. It's possible the orbits of all the planets in this solar system are practically one on top of each other. Don't ask questions about gravity. This is Exuras! The greatest place in the universe!

Nias tries to explain why Exuras is so great but he has trouble with the words, so Zalla helps explain.

That probably explains the planets not crashing in on the other planets somehow.

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have actually come to Exuras because it is a world without strife or fear or conflict. It's exactly the type of existence that the Guardians have been trying to bring to the Universe time and again, and have always failed catastrophically. So Kyle needs to investigate this place and find out if it is indeed as miraculous as it sounds or if there is a dark secret behind it. If it's actual, he can then learn how it works and bring that technology and mindset to the rest of the universe. And everybody will live happily ever after! Or, as usually happens, it will just be more unwanted bullshit forced upon the rest of the universe by the arrogant Guardians. Just this time, they're the Bohemian Guardians. So it'll be exactly the same except smothered in the scent of patchouli.

Kyle begins his investigations and discovers a structure where fear and anger are concentrated. It's a place where the teenagers have been rounded up and shut away. The Exurasans try to stop Kyle from entering the building which makes Kyle even more suspicious. Oh, Kyle, don't worry. It's probably just an angst-ridden rock concert.

So Exuras believes in transparency? That's a good start!

The building where the teenagers go houses a gigantic, cracked mirror which they must go into to make a choice whether or not they want to participate in this world where everything in history has gone seemingly just right. Kyle enters the mirror to find out what this choice is and how they go about the choosing. What he finds on the other side of the cracked mirror is a world in flames, full of destruction and death.

Genius.

Kyle is wrong about the Exurasans making one bad world though. They steal only small moments from many, many different timelines. The disastrous world Kyle is seeing was the result of just one small, seemingly insignificant swap. Entering the cracked mirror is a way for Exurasans to understand the price they are paying for living in the perfect world. I wonder if they're given the chance to swap lives with someone from a shitty timeline?

It turns out they don't get to swap but they can refuse to participate. They are allowed to stay behind in the other worlds to try to make them better places. And hopefully they do make them better places which means the moment that they came to that world was the moment that made it better which means it'll get swapped and they'll return to Exuras's paradise! Or something.

The Keeper of the Cracked Mirror's defense for stealing moments is this: "Isn't one paradise better than an infinity of hells lessened?" Which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that, given a timeline should exist for all possible choices, then that paradise does exist somewhere. What the people of Exuras are doing is simply making sure that their version of Exuras is the paradise. So The Keeper's rationale falls flat and it turns out what they're doing is supremely selfish and not motivated by a grand hope of one pure paradise. That paradise would exist, somewhere, without their needing to take action. So they're really just selfish time pirates!

And it looks like Nias Den Throden of Exuras, Hell Version, would agree.

New Guardians #25 Rating: +4 Ranking. Please let the cosmic crises be over with for a long while so that Kyle Rayner can have adventures like this off on his own without being bothered by Hal and his green military goons. I enjoyed this story and the pacing and the dialogue and the plot. Here's how it should end though! If the residents of the other Exurases can come through the cracked mirror, just bring all the residents of all the infinite other timlines over to the paradise Exuras! We've already seen that it "provides" for everybody! It can probably provide for an infinite population, right?

Birds of Prey #25

Please let this give a reason for The Birds of Prey to exist! This team needs some serious direction!

I admit that I might have missed the reason for the Birds of Prey forming a team because this comic book was so confusing back when Duane Swierczynski was writing it. The only thing I remember from that era is how to spell "Swierczynski." But it seemed like Black Canary was just sitting around with this super power stuck in her gullet so she felt like she needed to round up some people to make it worthwhile. But seeing as how this is Zero Year, perhaps it'll fill in the gaps between Team 7 and Black Canary teaming up with Starling.

Oh! Didn't she meet Starling while working undercover at the Iceberg Casino? Or was that Batgirl?! Even if that is a true memory and not some random garbage that my mind made up, it still doesn't help me understand why Black Canary formed the Birds of Prey. Maybe it began as a support group for women who recently lost their significant others? Was Starling also dealing with a close personal loss? She must drink for some reason! Even if that reason is just to get drunk.

Zero Year begins with Dinah Drake defending her local Dojo from the Cobra Khans. Dinah beats the crap out of the Cobra Khans and that's that. They'll be sure to leave her alone now and not firebomb her Dojo at all! Now she can just relax and have a flashback to her time as a young street rat just trying to survive.

It's a trap!

The man trapping her is Desmond Lamar, the previous Sensei of the Dojo she now runs. He gave her a warm place to sleep in exchange for keeping the Dojo clean. Dinah learns martial arts and prayer and housekeeping and balancing a budget under Desmond's care. But then he gets brain cancer and dies and she's left to run the Dojo all on her own.

After all the flashbacking is done, Dinah finds herself in the middle of the blackout stuck on a subway. She organizes everyone so that they can help those wounded when the subway came to a sudden halt. Meanwhile, a familiar face looks on:

It's the super wise old blind woman! Except she's not blind yet. So she's probably not all that wise yet either. Give her a few more years and a few more cataracts.

Meanwhile, Captain Sideburns is busy taking orders from Computer Chip Head. Which means Captain Sideburns (Lynch, remember?) isn't currently leading Team 7. Perhaps this is Team 3! Or Alpha Team since that's what he calls it! Whatever the case, it looks like Dinah is going to impress somebody at an impromptu job interview! The someone is Lynch and the job interview is her kicking ass saving Ye!

Dinah Drake has returned to clean her Dojo during the blackout when looters begin trashing her neighborhood. I hate to be the one to point it out, but the looters all have dark skin tones. It might, in fact, be the most brown people I've seen ever depicted in Gotham. And the stores they're looting? Run by Koreans. And who's there to save the day? The white girl. But wait! It gets even more stereotypical still!

Ninjas! Fucking par for the course. Just like a Spike Lee Joint. Or is this more Woody Allen? No, no! I know who I'm thinking of! Quentin Tarantino!

Batwoman wanted so badly to bust some looter's heads, why didn't she decide to patrol the stereotypical poverty-stricken neighborhood that Black Canary lives in? Oh, that's right. Because most of Gotham is poverty stricken. I guess Kate Kane just wasn't familiar with the areas most likely to have people ransacking electronics stores and Koren groceries.

Dinah Drake has found John Lynch's man, Ye, who passes along to her the secret microfilm just before he dies. Hmm. I thought saving Ye was going to be her big kickass interview move seeing as how her resume only includes dumpster diving, stealing pizza, and sweeping floors.

Dinah puts up a pretty entertaining fight against the ninjas as she tries to evade them for the next few hours. I particularly like when she kicked the one down the stairs while swinging on the handrails and then just let go, flying down the stairs to land on her knees on his chest. That was a pretty good move! But eventually, there are just too many ninjas. Isn't that always the way in comic books? I mean, historically (and by historically, I mean my knowledge of pop culture and Kung Fu movies with ninjas in them), ninjas work alone. But in comic books? If there's one, there's hundreds. You'd think anybody could become a ninja!

Actually, in Kung Fu movies there are always hundreds too. So I don't know where I learned they work alone! I bet it was in comic books!

Dinah is saved from being choked to death when Lynch and his men, who have been tracking the Microfilm Ye gave to Dinah, arrive. She hands the Microfilm off to Lynch and he compliments her on her loud voice and her ability to defeat hordes of ninjas. Then he gives her a ride home.

Whoops! Firebombed! That means I Level Up to Novice Comic Book Reader!

The issue ends with Dinah Drake accepting a position with Lynch's team. It's sunrise! She's starting over! Now she gets to be an assassin for the government! Desmond would be so proud of his little girl.

Birds of Prey #25 Rating: No change. This was the best issue of Birds of Prey in a long time because Condor wasn't in it. At least I don't think he was in it. He might have been the lead ninja that got away! But I don't think so because I didn't have an irrational hatred for that guy.

Batwoman #25

Dammit. I just realized I'm not going to get the end of the Batman/Batwoman battle. Stupid Zero Year.

When I was a young, lovesick pup, I would walk to Junior High with this refrain stuck in my head:

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
Nothing I can do. Total eclipse of the heart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say. Total eclipse of the heart."

It has nothing to do with love now, just life, but I feel this way again. I know, deep down, that I just don't care enough about my business to keep it from eventually falling apart. I'm not a business person. But I somehow have to find it within myself to make it work so that I can keep enjoying the amount of free time I currently have. I just don't know how I'm going to do that without any passion for business. It's all bullshit to me. Hell, I can barely even talk to people on the phone without feeling sick. Dealing with the world, interacting with people ... it's just way too fucking difficult. Society doesn't work for people who can barely come out of their head. If only I could do all of my interacting from behind this computer screen, I'd be fine. I could work with that. But dealing in reality? Fuck me, it's exhausting. It's draining. Eventually I'm going to lose everything. I hope my sanity goes first.

The worst part is people who can do it, people who enjoy socializing and meeting people and making small talk and interacting, they just don't understand how difficult it is for the rest of us. They don't understand how miraculous a thing like the internet and email and MUSHes have been to our kind. They encourage us to "get out there and live life!" They think we're wasting away in a dark room, hiding from the world. Well, sure, yes. We are hiding from the world because the world is an uncomfortable place where everybody demands you make eye contact and chitchat happily or else they get their fucking feelings hurt. They don't realize how hard it is. Because they want to get out amongst people and they feed off social interactions, they cannot comprehend how much effort it takes for us to just step outside the door. My work week is three days. Some weeks, work is the only time I even leave the house. Four days where I step outside simply to check the mail. Fuck you, world. Stop expecting things from me.

I only added the previous statement because I once promised that y'all would get to see me fall apart in middle age on this blog. So Happy Trainwrecking! It's beginning to look a lot like Crapmas!

Maybe a few dick jokes will cheer me up. Although I'm not sure how many opportunities I'll get for dick jokes in a Batwoman comic book.

Oh! But here's a chance for a poop joke!

At Jeffcon Four, the theme of the costume party was your favorite role-playing character. While it wasn't exactly my favorite and, I believe, may have only lasted for one night of gaming, I decided to dress up as my Cyberpunk character that was in a band. I didn't even remember the name of the character but I figured it would be fun. The single night that I remember playing that campaign was mostly spent sitting around the table writing songs for the band. My character was lead singer of a band called The Misogynists. Their first album was entitled "Duty. Honor. Count..." where the ellipsis were (was?) replaced by a hand in the middle of writing out the phrase "Duty. Honor. Country." on the cover of the album. At the party, I sang their hit song, "Five Fingered Angel." The only other song I remember the band writing that night was "Bitch Bitch Bitch." Here's a bit of Five Fingered Angel:

"Late at night when I'm laying in bed,
I've seen all the shows and my books are all read,
I sit back and think of...my one true love.

She's the only one that can comfort me.
Her gentle massage always sets me free.
She's a part of me...my one true love.

She's my five fingered angel!
She's the only one I trust.
She's my five fingered angel.
And I use her when I must.
She's a five fingered angel and she's mine."

You probably don't want to hear the lyrics to "Bitch Bitch Bitch."

What was I writing about? Oh! Batwoman! Her Uncle Dick has been killed by The Red Hood over in one of them Batmen comic books and now she's come back from West Point for the funeral. Bruce Wayne couldn't make it because he's rich enough to have a butler to send out into the world to do things for him while he luxuriates in his dark, humid batcave. Lucky bastard.

Kate Kane teaches her father the meaning of the term "pathetic fallacy" which has nothing to do with impotence like I thought. Although that might be a good title for the first album of my new band, The Misandrists: "Pathetic Fallac..." with the hand caught writing mid-phrase again! I think they could do a cover of "Bitch Bitch Bitch" but change it to "Prick Prick Prick." The other lyrics wouldn't have to be changed at all! Which I think makes some kind of statement or another about either sexism or The Misogynists not being very good at misogyny.

Meanwhile, Metropolis is shipping off some of their police officers to help out in Gotham during the blackout and super storm. One of those officers is Maggie Sawyer. Hmm. Six years ago? She might be pregnant right now!

At the wake (is that what you call the thing you go to after the viewing and the graveside thingy-thing?) in Wayne Manor, Kate Kane winds up out back in the family graveyard. She runs into Bruce there because where else would he be? In a hole in the ground in his yard? Ha ha! Preposterous! While speaking with Bruce, Kate goes from hauntingly beautiful to scruffily adorable in the space of one page!

I guess we're playing Tag-Team with the artists this issue.

Cousin Bette is also at the wake! As well as Alfred's Awesome German Chocolate Cake™.

Eventually something serious is going to happen. Not that Uncle Phil's death isn't serious! But that took place over in Batman's comic book, so it doesn't count here. I hope the plot revolves around somebody eating all of the cake! That's a Bat-mystery if ever I ever heard of one! For a second, I was going to blame Guy Gardner on stealing the cake that has yet to be stolen and then I realized that the guy I thought was Guy was actually Jacob!

After Bruce kicks everybody out of his house because he's got important Bat-things to do, Kate Kane dresses up in black clothing, covers her face in white and gray paint, and hits the streets to battle the hurricane. Or to teach looters an important lesson about not having the proper supplies at hand before a hurricane hits. Although I think a Plasma TV and a twelve back of Budweiser probably aren't essentials. Which means she'll have to be judge and jury when she picks the people she wants to beat up in the name of justice! Not real justice but her version of justice.

Oh! She should go after these guys because they've already worked it out in their own conversation that they're crossing a line!

One of these men works for a guy that's currently out of town. He's decided to rob his boss but he doesn't realize the guy's kid is at home! And the kid has some masking tape and he knows how to use it! To, you know, spell help on the window so that Kate Kane can see it and come to his rescue. Which she does! But then the burglars find her and the boy trying to leave! But they don't just let them leave for some reason! Instead, the burglar decides to stab Kate with his gun.

I guess he doesn't know that guns are projectile weapons and you're not supposed to get within disarming distance of your victim while holding one. Come to think of it, I don't think any comic book criminals know that.

Kate disarms the first guy and takes his gun and the jewels but the other burglars show up. She dives out the window and into the apartment complex's swimming pool where she takes a bullet to her shoulder while underwater. If she were Batman, she'd probably stay under water for ten minutes until the burglars thought she was dead and then she'd do a back-flip out of the pool to break all of their legs and ribs and jaws. But she's not Batman, so she just plays dead while floating on the water until they pull her out of the pool. Then she defeats them just in time for Maggie Sawyer to show up and fall in love.

Actually, Maggie and Kate don't really notice each other until they're all back at the precinct. Her father picks her up and chastises her for what she did until she falls asleep. And then once she's asleep, he's able to tell her how proud he is of her. Fucking fathers.

Batwoman #25 Rating: No change. No change because Kate was supposed to be kicking Batman's ass this month instead of eating finger sandwiches in a graveyard talking about how murderers need a special brand of justice! Although she did steal one of Bruce's motorcycles. That was nice.

Wonder Woman #25

I'm guessing Strife made a pass at Superman.

I only have about forty pages left until I'm done with Catching Fire, so I think I'll finish that right now instead of reading Wonder Woman.

Okay, now that that's done, let's see what's happening with Wonder Woman! I could discuss the book but this isn't a Hunger Games Fandom Blog so I won't spoil it here to those that are just here to read comic book reviews full of swears and masturbation references! I will say this though: I am apparently a Master Young Adult Novel Reader as well since while discussing the book with the Non-Certified Spouse early on, I basically detailed the entirety of how everything was going to go down. Also, I now call my cat "Fatniss Everdeen."

Let's see if I can finish reading Wonder Woman before going to catch the 7 o'clock showing of Catching Fire at the Bagdad Theater.

Currently Strife is commissioning a teeny, tiny weapon from Hephaestus to use against Wonder Woman. And Cassandra has kidnapped Wesley Willis to try to help her locate the First Born.

Apparently the First Born is in one of the Outer Districts.

Diana, Zola, and Hera are discussing Hera's new mortality while Hermes stands off to the side in disguise spying on them. Hera's take on mortality mirrors some of the things I've said in past commentaries about immortality and omnipotence. I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience. Hera's experience with mortality is this: "Nows last longer. Time slows experience." Being trapped in the flow of time forces a person to experience it all. Every second. Even the stupid boring ones like when your six year old is describing what happened at school that day. Ugh. Shut up already! Learn to tell a coherent story. Where's the hook? Try differentiating the characters! Maybe work in a theme! And nobody needs that much detail about what order you ate your colored snacks in and what your little friends said! I understand everything is new and exciting for you but I'm fucking forty years old! I don't need to hear this shit! You know what I hear when you're babbling away about some stupid shit you did at recess? I hear the ticking away of the few, finite seconds left in my life!

Man, I don't even have kids and I'm yelling at them for bothering me! Hmm. I didn't do it on purpose but I think I may have just stolen a Louis CK bit.

Orion and Strife both crash the party as they usually do, bringing violence and drama to a nice, leisurely afternoon chat. And except for Strife wanting to kill Wonder Woman for killing her mentor, it looks like they all might start getting along again. As much as Gods and mortals and mortals who used to be Gods and Amazon Warriors and all-powerful babies can really get along.

I bet Strife got Wonder Woman a hat pin!

Actually, Strife got her some appropriate attire for her new job: the God of War's helmet. It seems a bit too formal for Wonder Woman's tastes. Baby Zeke gets a blanket spun out of kept secrets. Dirty, nasty, venomous secrets! The kind you think about but never actually tell when your significant other of twenty-five years says to you, "What's your biggest secret?" Because nobody believes that your biggest secret was that you were fat as a kid or that you lost your virginity at twenty-four. Those are the kinds of secrets everybody has! You know the kind of super secret that if it ever gets out you'll lose the respect of the people you love and may even open yourself up to criminal charges although you're not quite sure about the statute of limitations kind of secret I'm talking about. You know which kind I'm talking about. You know.

Before Orion can get into another fight with Hermes, Siracca "appears" to let Wonder Woman know that Wesley Willis is currently being tortured by Cassandra. Orion Boom-Tubes off to go help while Wonder Woman is left to arrange conventional transportation to Chernobyl to save Wesley.

Well, conventional for a God.

Wonder Woman leaves Strife in charge because Wonder Woman likes to think that people will behave according to how you treat them. She believes if you expect the best out of them while giving them your trust, they won't stab you in the back and kidnap your friend's baby while shitting in the mouth of your ornamental object on the mantel. Of course, Wonder Woman is wrong about that. People act the way you know they're going to act because they're all selfish assholes with the subtlety of a rhinoceros doing ballet. I've never seen that but I imagine it's not subtle at all. Or graceful. Or safe to be around.

Wonder Woman #25 Rating: No change because Wonder Woman is Number One! Just like America if you ignore every actual important statistic (meaning happiness quotients and longest living and best access to healthcare, not obesity or variety of candy bars or the most dog sweaters per capita) on every actual important thing statistics have been gathered for and just go by how many people are chanting the phrase, "We're Number One!" Fuck the Districts! I'm Team Capitol!

Supergirl #25

The crossover sucks but the cover is fucking brilliant. I mean, the four covers together.

I had to pull out my Superman #25 issue and scan it early so I could put them all together. Here's the finished product:

The top two covers don't line up as well as they should because I scanned them weeks ago and I'm not obsessive about making every cover the exact same pixel size.

Where were we? Fuck if I know! Everybody went back to different times to work on different projects. Supergirl finished hers early which meant she has to do some extra work with H'el.

The issue begins with a gigantic, omnipotent cosmic buttplug named Oracle observing the end of the universe that he knows isn't coming and never does come and never has come and doesn't come never. Hey, he's omnipotent! What the fuck does he have to worry about?

Oracle has made a new friend since last he appeared. His name is the Cobalt Bodysurfer and he says things that come off really stupid when spoken to an omnipotent being. He says, "You've placed a lot of hope on the shoulders of the Kryptonians." Can it really be considered hope when you know Greyhound #3, I've Got Lice, is going to win the race and you place your life savings on the outcome? I'm fairly certain "hope" is the wrong word. He says other stupid shit like this:

Even the Cobalt Bodysurfer knows how this is going to turn out! Why don't they just break for lunch since they know how it's all going to end.

Have I mentioned before how I love time travel stories but fucking despise poorly written and horribly conceived time travel stories? Yeah? I have? Well, it bears repeating! If only I could set it up in an infinite time loop so that it is heard over and over and over again for all eternity although it's only said the one time.

Hundreds of years before Krypton explodes, Supergirl and H'el have a bit of a lover's quarrel. He's hurt because she rammed a shard of Kryptonite into his chest and dumped his ass. She's upset that he would use that against her when all she really tried to do was love his beautifully shaved upper pubic region. But he can't get past it so she has to break his nose before he jams the Kryptonite into her chest.

I think since she already completed her mission, Supergirl can just die now. Since it just changes times and sets things on a different path so that Supergirl never has to come back to Krypton again. I mean, according to the laws of Time Travel in Scott Lobdell's story. Laws that suck festering dick cheese.

Over in the future in Kryptonopolis, Superman watches his mother tell his father that they're going to have a baby. This causes me to reread Superman #0 which I don't recommend anybody do even though it's a companion piece to this story. It's actually the reason this story exists. I'm fairly certain Scott Lobdell wrote Superman #0 with Clark narrating things he couldn't know. So then an editor pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! You haven't read the last page!" And he quickly scripted the final page with Superman thinking, "How do I know all of this? Because I was there!" And then Lobdell spent a year figuring out how to get Krypton back so that the end of Superman #0 would make sense. Which is why we had H'el on Earth and Krypton Returns! So I have to say, Superman #0 has truly spawned more horrible comic books than any other comic book ever.

I know, I know. I'm completely wrong about that because Marvel has had some real doozies in their time!

Anyway, Superman thinks about how he wants to save Krypton somehow even at the expense of the Omniverse when a mysterious figure shows up and he says, "You--?! But--how?!" I bet it's Batman!

Meanwhile in Superboy's Mission, the giant green flaming penis named Eradicator is back on his feet and trying to kill Superboy.

"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!"

Superboy winds up kicking The Eradicator through the time portal and into the future. But not just the future! He also kicks him all the way to Smallville, Kansas, United States, Earth, Sol, Milky Way! That was quite the kick!

H'el arrives to stop Superboy but then he breaks down because he's in two timelines at the same time, attacking Supergirl and Super...oh fuck it. This is dumb. Even for a fantastic science fiction story, it makes no sense! When did H'el get the power to travel through time? From H'el #1, it's apparent that H'el can change history over and over again but only from the point he appears in Krypton's past after being Kebab'd with Kryptonite by Supergirl. He isn't personally capable of jumping about time. So he shouldn't be able to appear to Supergirl hundreds of years in the past because he only exists on Krypton from Jor-el's youth to, well, whenever Krytpon explodes. But since he always sends his cells out into space to be born again, he returns and returns and returns. But he doesn't fucking time travel. And now two timelines converging? What the fuck is that about? Why would it fuck him up? Is this some Marty McFly's siblings disappearing from a photograph bullshit? I have a feeling Scott Lobdell's complete knowledge of time travel is from the Back to the Future films.

Anyway, somehow Supergirl and Superboy figure out that H'el is fighting in two timelines because that's the first fucking conclusion I would jump to when I see a gash open in someone's chest and they mutter, "Two...timelines...converging." Oh! I get it! That fucker is in two timelines! Let's kick his ass!

Also, Supergirl has become leader of the clones because she defeated their leader. Hey, that's just the way that primitive shit works!

Supergirl #25 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sorry to have to drop Supergirl's rankings for a shitty fucking piece of shit shitty shit shit shitpile of a shitstorm crossover, but I can't with good conscience not drop this fuckery down a few ranks. I wonder if pouring Cough Medicine in my eyes will make me feel better?

Batman and Two-Face #25

Are any of these DC Characters even relevant anymore?

This paragraph was going to discuss new heroes that would represent modern times better than Batman and Superman but it just began to make me angry and depressed trying to think up heroes that could represent our current state of government officials that think their job is looking out for the best interests of corporations, investors, and bankers while destroying the middle class and actively hating not poverty but the poor themselves. What the fuck happened, America? The creation of The Middle Class made this country work. People didn't mind a soul-crushing job because their souls weren't invested in the job. The job offered security for the present and the future; it offered a way to own a home, raise a family, have the newest model car which is always next year's model for some reason. I suppose that only worked when the government knew that it could send out draft notices and steal the Middle Class sons for its own uses. The contract seems to have been broken once those children decided not to give up their lives for other people's bullshit. And so government and corporations decided if they weren't going to be fed the blood of our young men on a regular basis, perhaps the Middle Class didn't need as much money and security as it thought it did. So they picked a stooge from Hollywood to change the tax laws in such a way that money would stop flowing back into companies and instead start lining the pockets of the CEOs and upper management.

Under Reagan, the government lowered the amount you need to earn to find yourself in the top marginal tax bracket but they also decreased the percentage you have to pay. In essence, they just whittled away the number of marginal brackets until in 1988 it was down to two brackets. Nobody was paying more than 28% which kicked in at about 30,000 dollars. Before Reagan, people were paying 70% on income over $200,000 [People tend to get confused over marginal tax brackets. When somebody makes enough money to wind up in the 70% tax bracket, that does not mean they pay 70% on all income. Everything under $200,000 is taxed at lower rates, all the way down to their first $16,000 or so which isn't taxed at all. Just like everybody else.]. That's your trickle down theory. Give CEOs the same tax rate as lower income people and lower income people will get higher, better paying jobs! No, not really. What really happens is that money is invested back into the business far less than before because the money is worth more to the CEOs and investors. They begin keeping more and more of it as they raise their salaries since the money is worth more to them overall. And to justify this, they begin changing the discussion to make them look like heroes of the economy as opposed to pillaging pirates of industry. Also, if you keep the populace ignorant on how taxes actually work, they'll get angrier and angrier any time they hear somebody was taxed at 70% or more (70% on $200,000 or more was far from America's highest rates).

As an example of people's ignorance on tax laws, when I was looking for the hard numbers on tax brackets with Lord Google's help, I found a forum where people were astonished to find The Beatles were paying a rate of 98% which is why they fled to America and wrote The Tax Man and took LSD and had lots and lots of photo ops with gurus. Nobody chimed in to explain marginal rates to the angry people in the forum who were just assuming The Beatles were making $2 for every $100 they earned. One person even mentioned how ridiculous it was that somebody would invest one million dollars in something, double it, and only earn $20,000. This is why the Republicans have so many Tea Party fans. Because they're idiots that don't understand how taxes work.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck off with your incentive to create argument. The only incentive people have to make money is to make money. They'll make as much as they can no matter what the tax rates are. If somebody is in a lower tax rate at $49,000 a year and the tax rate goes up at $50,000, they don't have any incentive to not start making $50,000. They still make more money making $50,000 in a higher tax bracket than they made making $49,000 in the lower tax bracket due to the way marginal tax rates work. And due to the way greed works, people always have incentive to make more no matter what the fucking taxes are.

For the record, I think 70% on 200,000 is high. But I think the highest tax bracket should amount to 95% or up but it should have a much, much higher yearly income for that to kick in. But then, I'm just an asshole business owner who doesn't even want to own my own business. I just want to sit around reading comic books and playing video games. Maybe the conservatives are right! Fuck you, personal responsibility! I think I'll join the glorious life of a welfare earner, living large on government handouts! What a glamorous life! I can cackle at all the chumps working for a living, fulfilling their stupid dreams, feeling self-reliant and happy with their choices. Suckers! Don't they know they can live well below the poverty line with no effort at all?! Jerks!

Finally, let me just say that I'm not saying I have the answers to fixing how fucked up the greedy have made our economy. But I certainly think it can't be fixed until people are educated and honest when joining in on the discussion. It's irresponsible to spread fear and blame and lies because you're just trying to get something for yourself or your lobbyists. But know this: it isn't poor people that have fucked everything up.

I guess the preceding all fits here because, you know, fucking Bruce Wayne and his tax shelters and loopholes and gentrification and family wealth passed down from generation to generation. What an asshole.

Here's a picture of America.

McKillen, the woman who killed Harvey's wife and burned off half of his face, is currently in a Gotham Police Headquarters Holding cell which is why Harvey decided to turn the Batsignal into the Two-Face signal. Fucking Christ, Harvey. Gordon just had that thing fixed after Bruce Wayne's girlfriend was dropped on it! Do you think the Gotham PD has enough cash in its budget for another Batsignal fix? Hopefully Batman supplies the Batsignals gratis (that means "for free but with many strings attached" in the original Latin).

Ignore the innocent and guilty coin bit. The rest is perfectly stated.

In two speech bubbles, Harvey puts voice to the biggest fear in most people's lives. It's such a subtle fear that people really don't spend much time thinking about it. But it's why they believe in God. It's why they lock their doors at night. It's why they teach their children to dial 9-1-1. It's all of the little things they do to make it seem like they have control over their lives. And yet they still cross the street while speaking on a phone knowing in their heart of hearts that the bus will see them and stop. Because they've so ensconced themselves in the illusion of control that they begin to believe they have more control than they really do. You feel safe when you know all the data and all the odds and you've made the proper choices. But chance is just a loose brick on the top of a building away; a rabid dog on the loose; a fucking meteorite deciding it wants to fall where you currently stand. Random chance scares the shit out of people. It's why newscasters are quick to explain that the victim and the shooter knew each other when someone is gunned down. They know people will feel the sweet relief that the murder could not have been them. It wasn't random at all.

The fear of random chance is why so many people can't believe in the truth of the universe.

Land of the free, home of the rich white captains of industry!

After Harvey flees from Batman because Batman has to save some people about to blow up, the story flashes back to the night Harvey Dent's wife was murdered by Erin McKillen. Looks like Erin's twin sister has died and she blames Harvey. Now she wants to take away the love of Harvey's life. Which she does with a knife to Gilda's chest. The flashback ends when Harvey is knocked unconscious but I'm sure we'll be revisiting it soon enough to see him get half of his face melted off. Unless that happened last issue. Sometimes these exploded narratives are hard to follow!

Back in the present, Erin is granted a meeting with Bruce Wayne because she wants to hire some Bat-security from his Batman, Incorporated business. He refuses.

Why do people gotta keep bringing up his dead parents? I suppose if he'd just get fucking over it already, everybody would stop rubbing the wound raw. I was going to say they'd stop picking the scab but I don't think Bruce has ever let that old wound even form a scab.

Erin is carted off to Blackgate Penitentiary to await trial. But this is Gotham, so no place is safe unless you've got Bat Security. Guards are bribed and/or threatened and a bunch of inmates get their hands on Erin. Just as they're about to tear her to pieces, Bat Security arrives.

Okay, this is more like second rate, bottom of the barrel, knock-off Bat Security.

Matches rescues Erin and helps her escape Blackgate by blowing a hole in the side with some homemade C-4. It's bad enough that the criminals and Batman are always destroying Gotham property but now Matches Malone too? I have a feeling Bruce Wayne must be looking to buy a prison on the cheap. Blow enough holes in the place, suck out a ton of money from their budget for repairs, they can't afford to run the place, and suddenly they're willing to sell cheap to Bruce Wayne. It's how he owns so much property in Gotham already! Batman smashes a few walls and windows, owner can't afford upkeep, Bruce Wayne buys low. Cha-ching!

Matches and a recently sedated Erin plunge into Gotham Harbor where a submarine waits piloted by Mr. Sassypants.

Bruce is not amused.

Later, Erin McKillen wakes up in Wayne Manor protected by Bruce Wayne and his penis.

Batman and Two-Face #25 Rating: No change. You think Alfred logs on to his Underlings of Superheroes Forum late at night to share all the quips he's made at Batman's expense during the day? Has Matches Malone made a previous appearance in The New 52? Not counting Batman Incorporated which is in a hinky place in continuity anyway. It feels like Matches may have appeared previously in another Batman and Robin but fuck if I can remember. Anyway, solid comic as always with some really enjoyable moments. Although it didn't make me cry this month. Seriously, it didn't! I am not lying this time!