Animal Man #23

I didn't think it was possibly to design a more flamboyant costume for Brother Blood than his original. Although I did prefer his shiny solid black adult nappie on the original.

For all y'all that don't remember the original or keep his image locked in a secret lover's vault deep within your head like I do, here's the old version:

I often fantasized about being Brother Blood for Halloween back in junior high but I knew I would be sorely disappointed if the costume wasn't exactly right. And even though my mother had mad sewing skills (PROOF!), I knew no matter how great a job she did, I'd end up disappointed and sad.

Brother Blood is my Harley Quinn of The New 52. This is the character that I cherished and admired. Yes, I fucking admired Brother Blood, a cult leading psychopath! But how could I not? He tormented those pesky Teen Titans and he looked fucking fabulous while doing it! I could be angry about his change of appearance or how Howard Mackie completely fucked up his character in Teen Titans by giving him the personality of a spoiled rich kid that was acting out because he hadn't been able to fuck his sister's tennis coach because the coach was into "women." Although when I phrase it like that, it sounds like a pretty good character! Believe me, I livened it up with that description. Mackie's version in The Ravagers was an affront to cult leading psychopaths everywhere. But I'm not angry because I'm middle aged and I learned earlier than maybe most that change was what happens whether we like it or not. Hating the new doesn't get you anything except gray hairs and yelling at the neighbor's kids to get off your lawn.

Actually, the grey hairs and hating the neighbor's kids come naturally whether you hate the new or not. Fucking Alex. Shut the fuck up out there!

But now Lemire is writing Brother Blood and there's not a mathematical formula in existence to figure out how many percentages better Brother Blood's characterization will now be. I wonder if Lemire will over-punctuate Blood's dialogue for a bit as a wink to DC fans that know good writing from whatever it was that Howard Mackie was doing.

This hang dog expression appears in my mind's eye every time I talk poorly about poor Howard Mackie.

God damn you, Lord Google! Every time I denigrate Howard Mackie, I see his face in my mind's eye and feel horrible. I fucking hate how you add people's profiles and pictures to web searches now! You're going to ruin irrational hatred for everybody by humanizing everything we search for! Dick.

Last issue ended with Buddy Baker about to be eaten by the Splinterfolk when the Paparazzi arrived to save his life. Not that they meant to help anybody but themselves, of course. The timing of their unwanted presence just helped to distract the Splinterfolk so that Animal Man could think up one of about three thousand creatures with the strength to break the chains tying him down. Give him a break! You try thinking up "bear" or "elephant" when you've just had half of your blood drained, your kid has been murdered, and a monstrous freak is standing over you with a hatchet. The paparazzi did manage to get all the footage on tape and load it up on Youtube for free instead of selling it to a magazine for fifty thousand dollars. So that was the most unrealistic event so far in this series.

I hope he ends up twerking up on some nasty ass Splinterfolk with a horse's cock.

I suppose being an opinionated motherfucker, I should throw my opinion into the ring of useless opinions involving Miley Cyrus and her performance. I didn't see it. So there. But I did see the way her outfit made her ass look and I've just got one thing to say about that: "Hey, women! Start being honest with your friends and actually tell them when something they are wearing makes their body look deformed instead of offering some lame ass advice like, 'You rock whatever you want, girl! You just be you!' No! Stop it! Unless the outfit is based on comfort (which that fucking outfit obviously was not) and the person wearing it doesn't give a shit what they look like (I'm the fucking king of that fashion trend!), be honest with your friends (men and women now!) about how the clothing works on their body. If they want to look fabulous, help them look fabulous! Don't just patronize them so that they feel fabulous but look like an amoeba that just discovered modesty." Okay. Fuck you, Tumblr, if you deem any of that inappropriate. Truth is never beauty, so sometimes you have to stop hugging and making everyone feel safe. Sometimes things need to be fucking said.

While I'm at it, I have a thing to say about the Stephen Fry Tweet that's been going around on Tumblr this month where he says this about Islam being "the greatest force of evil today": "Wonder why. Oh, have a look around the world and see them slaughtering each other let alone others. So charming to women too...". Everybody who got freaked the fuck out over this does realize he's an Atheist that cuts religion no slack, right? Expecting him to be respectful of something he has no patience for simply because you might admire other qualities about him is simply delusional. "I used to love Stephen Fry until he said something that offended my sensibilities." How can anybody in this world like anybody else if you have to like every single aspect of their being, every single action in their past, or every single personal choice they make in life? Do we expect everybody to be watered down versions of their actual selves just so nobody gets fucking offended? Please, by all means, hate him for speaking out against organized religions. Just don't hate him for being gay. Because THAT would be wrong.

One last thing about the Fry quote! Just because somebody paints a group of people with a wide brush, it does not mean that that person thinks all individuals within that group are alike. I often paint Police Forces as corrupt and awful and full of horrible, fearful, power-hungry assholes. Does that mean I believe all police officers are like that? Fuck no. Of course not. But it's an effective way to speak about the problems within an organization without having to fucking qualify every sentence. Do you want change in an organization that has some serious problems? It doesn't matter if the problems stem from many members or a fanatic few. I would fucking expect every good cop to be making the same claims and arguing loudly about the systemic corruption in their organization. Because they are good cops! If they aren't trying to change things, they're part of the fucking problem and I don't give a shit if their feelings are hurt when I point out Police Forces are jacked up. "But we're good cops that follow good laws and treat everybody with respect! How dare you lump us in with the bad cops who believe bad things?!" The good cops should know that they're not the ones I'm talking about instead of being offended and deciding my message was bullshit because I wasn't sensitive enough to the good cops. I don't get offended when white people are called assholes even though I'm considered to be white. I just think, "Yeah! Fuck those white assholes!" and then help point them out. Fuck them!

I know, I know. I hate analogies but I had to speak from my own personal experience which is hating on the Police. Two totally different situations especially with all the anti-Muslim hate in many Western Countries. We've got to be more sensitive so as not to inculcate and breed irrational fear which can lead to more violence. But can't that also be the message read in Fry's limited character statement? Violence is bad and we should not put up with it for any reason. Islam is about six hundred years younger than Christianity and both are much younger than Judaism. Imagine the fanaticism and violence of Christians six hundred years ago and think along to the future where Islamic fundamentalists will most likely be seen as Christian fundamentalists today. Less dangerous and more generally simply nuts. The main argument seems to be, "Hey, Stephen. Don't lump everyone together." If that's your total argument, I'm pretty certain he fucking knows that. Giving intelligent people the benefit of the doubt is far better than instantly declaring them an enemy of everything. But then, people do love a good dressing down of public allies. Makes them feel so much more righteous.

Believe me, I know about dressing down public allies! It's super fun!

I went on way too long with that. Sorry if I said something that offended you. If that happened, you probably misunderstood me. So reread it but come up with a conclusion that makes you feel better and that's what I meant. Fuck Stephen Fry! How dare he hate on organized religion when there are kind people in those religions! What a dick!

Now that I have half the followers I used to have, I'll get back to Animal Man!

What kind of kid gets up this early without being roused by baking Cinnamon Rolls? I almost said "aroused" by baking cinnamon rolls but I think that may have just been me.

Maxine heads back into The Red to begin her quest in search of her White Whale. That would be Cliff's Soul! She's imagined a whole Animal Crossing Encyclopedia of shipmates to help her on her search as they sail The Sea of Red in the Freckled Manatee, "the best darn livin' vessel ever to sail the Sea of Blood!" Oh, my mistake. It's the Sea of Blood! The captain is a Giraffe and I was just about to complain that he doesn't have a Parrot when I glanced back down at the comic book.

Maxine hates Hindus.

Francis Portela is doing the art for all of The Red sequences and it's just adorable. Unless it's supposed to be serious and I've just been fooled because I think animals wearing clothes are adorable. Especially parrots with beards!

I always wanted to teach a parrot how to say something but I always thought it probably took more time than I'd ever have, not owning a parrot. But a couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning the floor of a pet store, the parrot was being more vocal than I've ever witnessed. I can do a pretty spot on imitation of a police siren when I whistle, so I thought I'd keep whistling that and try to teach it to him. I think his name was Paco. Anyway, he'd be saying hello and stuff I couldn't quite make out. Then I'd begin to whistle the siren and he would shut up and listen. So I kept doing that and then I'd go about my work until I heard him chatting or whistling again. So I'd begin doing the siren and he'd shut up and listen. Pretty soon I was running my scrubber and listening to my iPod while occasionally whistling the siren. At one point, I had to drain the scrubber (not a euphemism!), so I stopped the iPod and got the bucket and suddenly heard the parrot whistling the first part of the siren! It was the most adorable thing I've ever heard ever and just made me giddy and happy and stupid. I just hope he annoyed the staff with his new siren the next day! I may have made him unsellable except to drug dealers wanting to fuck with their friends. Whoops!

Meanwhile Buddy Baker is breaking into Belle Reve to interrogate Hogue, the head of the Splinterfolk. He needs some information about where his blood went and what all of that shit that went down last issue was about. Luckily the Suicide Squad seem to be on a mission somewhere, so nobody is around to stop him.

And meanwhile in Pacific Beach:

Ooh! Just imagine Brother Blood as the Avatar of the Red and Arcane as the Avatar of the Rot and The Seeder as the Avatar of the Green! Earth would be fucked.

I was going to say The Floronic Man or Poison Ivy as Green Avatars but I figured I should use Swamp Thing's current nemesis.

If Brother Blood really were in Pacific Beach, I bet he'd use his Powers of the Red to catch the best fish and shrimp and open up the greatest little Fish Taco Joint that Pacific Beach has ever seen.

This version of Brother Blood is acting much more maturely than Howard Mackie's version. That's a good sign! He seems to respect his cult and his Followers (to the extent that they obey his orders, of course. Death to the free thinkers!) and promises them that they will be rewarded once he drinks Buddy's blood. Yeah, with death! Probably. That's the usual way these things go. Stupid henchmen. Will they ever fucking learn?

Once Blood drinks the blood, Maxine is probably going to be in a lot of trouble. Although this is the conclusion to the Splinterfolk story, so it might just be Brother Blood that's going to be in trouble! Maybe Maxine will shove Cliff's soul into Brother Blood! That would be...um...crazy? Fucked up? Whatever it would be, it's the kind of shit I want going on in my Animal Man comic book! Please let Cliff's soul be shoved into Brother Blood's body! And then have him live with the Baker family as their son but still have hints of Blood's despotic attitude! After all, he is the Brother! I want this so much now!

Just as Maxine thinks she sees Cliff's soul, Brother Blood takes on the Power of the Red! Buddy collapses in pain and The Red quakes and trembles. Brother Blood enters a portal into The Red and begins his assault on The Totems. The Shepherd decides Maxine's game of finding her brother needs to be called off and they need to return to help the Totems defend The Red. I hope Maxine tells him to fuck right the fuck off!

Brother Blood is still under the impression that Buddy Baker was the true Avatar. I believe he'll be learning he was wrong any page now.

Instead of Maxine coming to the rescue, she collapses, dying, as Brother Blood begins destroying the Totems. Well fuck! That Quest didn't end how quests are supposed to! What is this? Villains Month a month early? Is this Brother Blood's story where he gets to win the day? Umm, okay!

Seriously. This Totem has a fucking point.

Yay Brother Blood! I've always known you've had it in you to rule everything! I've trusted in your power for thirty years! OUR TIME HAS COME I mean, I hope Maxine and Buddy are okay.

Animal Man #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I can't believe there isn't going to be a Brother Blood issue for Villains Month. Fuck you, DC! You're as insensitive and racist as Stephen Fry.

Animal Man Annual #2

No wonder my life is in shambles! I can't stop my impulse to photoshop no matter how much time it's going to waste!

Just to keep my nerd cred highly polished, I feel I must point out that that is my Queen of the Demonweb Pits I scanned. One owner. Probably purchased at Kiddie World in San Jose many, many years ago. I bet that toy store had no idea they were turning kids on to Satan! The first time I played Dungeons and Dragons was in my Gifted and Talented Education class in fifth grade in Haman Elementary. My cousin had received the Basic Boxed Set for Christmas but nobody wanted to read the rules to figure out how to play. So once I experienced the game as a player, I was convinced I knew how to play! I was the Dungeon Master for many long years as we slowly learned how to play instead of making up most of the rules. Once we mostly learned how to play, we lost interest in Dungeons and Dragons. We moved on to Boot Hill and Top Secret and Gamma World for a few years before settling down mostly with Warhammer.

Now I'm going to resist reading Dungeon Module Q1 and pretending it's Animal Man Annual #2 and simply read Animal Man #2! I'm taking back control of my life right here and now, whether it's entertaining or not!

The Animal Man Annual begins by telling the story I was hoping Lemire would tell. Buddy Baker depressed and lonely and drinking himself into oblivion in a seedy motel. It's super cheerful and just the kind of shit I love to read in comic books! I'm not sure DC should be allowed to call their products "comic books" anymore. I'm going to sue them so that they have to switch to the term "tragic books." And they can't call them "funny books" anymore either! They'll have to call them "Not Funny Ha-ha but Funny Sad Books."

Once Buddy gets too drunk and too sad, he flashes back to four years previously when he was battling a Cyber Werewolf.

Oh great. It looks like Green Arrow is here too.

Detective Krenshaw (this was before he got eaten by The Three Hunters) fills Animal Man in on the situation. The creature's name is Biowulf because he's super clever and shit. The arrow in his back seems to be left over from his battle with Green Arrow earlier in the week. Which, it may not surprise anybody, he won! But he obviously didn't kill Green Arrow because he wound up taking my New 52 innocence by teaching me that some of DC's Comic Books were going to suck super big time. Especially when they were written by J.T. Krul! I long for my younger days when J.T. Krul's inability to keep himself and his stupid opinions out of his characterization were the only things causing me to flip the fuck out. Long before I discovered my true nemesis, Scott Lobdell. J.T. Krul was just the minor boss villain, easily defeated. I took him down and kicked him out of the DC Universe with my bad ass name calling skills! But Scott Lobdell has proven to be a worthy foe. He enjoys his Superman money far too much to be driven out as easily as Krul was. I'll have to think up some new tactics during The New 52's third year.

Biowulf winds up being Animal Man's J.T. Krul because he puts him down in just a few panels. Biowulf isn't why Animal Man decided to do some remembering anyway after he saw a spider. I don't know what those two things have to do with each other but that's what happened! He's remembering this day because of the time he spent with Cliff. And maybe because on this day four years in the past, he and Cliff battled the Spider Queen! Maybe they just played some Dungeons and Dragons and battled Lolth!

"Make a shaving Throw Vershush Poishon or be enshnared forever in the Abysh ash a tashty morshel for Lolsh!"

On the way home, Buddy and Cliff run into a neighborhood filled with spider webs. While Buddy takes a moment to hallucinate, Cliff and all of the police officers are taken by the spiders. As he heads into the sewers to rescue his boy, he gets a call from Ellen that she's about to give birth to Maxine.

Maybe I was too quick to judge this comic book as a tragedy! It's got all the hallmarks of sitcom! The immature father figure that loses one of the children while playing super hero. The working and responsible wife whose water has just broken and is about to have a baby. The hilarious chaos of trying to get the mother-to-be to the hospital without her finding out that the husband lost their other child. DC should have inserted one of those chips that makes music when you turn the page except filled it with different versions of laugh tracks.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

The next scene is pretty funny too because Animal Man tries to channel a shark's power and then his head almost explodes from some psychic energy blasting away at him. He should be channeling spider power so he can speak with them and find out what they want. He spoke to a rat earlier. But I guess Buddy is just like all the other heroes. Punch first, engage in intellectually stimulating debate never.

The spiders manage to convince Buddy to follow them and they lead him to The Pregnant Spider Queen! Uh oh! How is Buddy going to explain to his wife that he was off helping another woman deliver her baby? Whoops! I think this issue will end with a "WAH WAH" sound effect with Buddy raising his hands in a "What could I do?" gesture and Ellen saying, "That's our Animal Man!"

Once Buddy sees the Spider Queen is pregnant, he realizes he can't win this battle like he usually does. Because you can't be a super hero and have the headline read, "Animal Man Beats the Shit Out of Pregnant Woman and Steals Her Food." That's the type of true story the media love! One where they never actually lie but they suck the inherent truthfulness out of the story completely. Fuck you, media! You want to know why people trust bloggers and the internet more than newspapers and television news channels? Because you all suck corporate and government dick, that's why! Out here in the Borderlands of the Blogosphere, we don't owe anybody anything! Except maybe hilariously captioned pictures of rabbits in business attire. Or ferrets in Victorian dresses. And even if the local news is always trying to steal the internet's thunder by showing viral videos and cute pictures, they always do so on their own terms at the end of the night. Nobody is going to sit through your awful banter just to get to the internet stuff. You know why? Because we all have the internet! Besides, the local news are always weeks behind the current memes!

So Buddy talks the Spider Queen into leaving people and their dreams alone. She's allowed to keep the dreams she collected today but after that, she can only catch the dreams of cats and rats and horses and other animals. She's very reasonable. Although I find it extremely creepy that Buddy just leaves these giant spiders and their dream sucking mother in the city's sewer system.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

After Buddy meets his new baby girl, he heads back to move Anansa out of the sewers or else he'd never get another restful night of sleep knowing a giant pregnant spider lady was roaming the sewers underneath his suburb. And back to the future or present or whatever, he decides to pay Anansa and her children a visit. Probably to learn what Cliff's dream was that he found so exciting but he couldn't remember because Buddy let Anansa keep it.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

And so... he dreamed the dream again... for one last time. It didn't matter that there was no flying ... or Dungeons and Dragons Modules ... or Cliff. The Spider Queen saw Cliff. He did not. He saw nothing but the death of hope. And the loss of his son. And so he dreamed the dream until the sun began to set... and all the monsters were dead.

Animal Man Annual #2 Rating: The Great Hall gives it three birds that say, "Birds can't talk!"

Pandora #3

Problem solved! Crossover over!

I almost read Justice League Dark #23 first and then I checked Aquaman #21 for the Trinity War advert and saw that this comic book was next in line! Crisis averted! Or adverted, technically!

I bet I would have been so confused if I'd read Justice League Dark first. No, I'm lying. I have a feeling that this comic book and Justice League Dark #23 aren't going to have a lot of plot movement. And then everything will rush to the conclusion in Justice League #23. Which, according to the ad for Villains Month in this weeks comic books, everybody dies! Thanks for spoiling things, you stupid jackasses! Companies seriously need to figure out how to advertise their entertainment products without spoiling the stories within. Every single person that makes trailers for movies or commercials for television shows or static ads for books and comic books should study the trailer for In Bruges. Now that's a fantastic trailer for one of my all time favorite movies. The trailer interested me in a movie I hadn't heard about and yet doesn't spoil the true nature and beauty of the film. I should probably move on to spoiling Pandora before I spoil In Bruges.

This month, Pandora's story begins in 1330 CE on Mount Song with somebody asking the question, "What is evil?"

This reminds me of a story! My friend Doom Bunny's daughter, Doom Bunnette, had an imaginary brother she named Song. After some time had passed, he asked her about Song since he hadn't heard about Song in awhile. Doom Bunnette informed her father that Song was dead. Her new imaginary friend, Frank, took Song into his secret basement and killed him. Some time later, their neighbor's house caught fire and afterwards, Doom Bunnette came up to Doom Bunny and informed him that Frank had pictures of the fire. I'm fairly certain that Frank is the ghost of an evil serial killer. Doom Bunny appeases Frank every year by throwing a huge party for his birthday. I told him to get a Ouija Board for the last one, which he did, but I don't think he convinced anybody to use it. He's not very good at doing non-normative things. If it's an adult party, you drink and talk about sports and your job and drink some more and maybe play some Rock Band if everybody decides to let their hair down. At one point, Doom Bunnette actually told her father that Frank was dead until she found out that Doom Bunny was going to throw a party for him and there would be cake. So she said, "He's not dead!" and the evil was brought back into the house. Who can blame her? Cake!

At the end of some Trinity War issue or tie-in, Pandora tried to give her box to Lex Luthor. But Wonder Woman interrupted and grabbed it herself. She then went a little bit bat shit insane. But when that all happened, Black Adam was not in the cell with Lex Luthor and now he is! So am I reading these things out of order or what? Oh fuck it. Whatever. I'll just soldier on!

Or maybe not! Black Adam didn't have Pandora's Box when I last left off with The Trinity War! I guess I'll switch over to Justice League Dark #23 now!

Okay! I'm back! And as everybody knows, it wasn't Black Adam at all but Shazam gone corrupt. Anyway, this scene shouldn't last long since Constantine scarpers with the Box and Zatanna.

After Pandora learned a stupid Eastern definition of evil which actually sounds more like ignorance or stubbornness, she wanders for two hundred years until she trains with an ancient Oliver Queen like-a-look. It's 1594 so it's probably Francis Bacon or William Shakespeare or Queen Elizabeth. She's still trying to learn the nature of evil while also learning how to kick ass.

I'm fairly certain that "Adalger" was Queen Elizabeth's first name.

Enough with the stupid evil questions. Nobody allows evil to exist. Evil only exists once a creature becomes sentient enough to think abstractly. Sentient creatures project evil or cruelty onto the world around them. Evil is a judgment call. If I kill a person because that person was attacking me and I was fighting for my life, most people wouldn't think of that as evil. If a person is hoarding a bunch of food and me and my family are starving, I can kill that person and it's not evil. Some people may see it as evil; others might not. It all depends on the actions and the situation. It depends on who is hurt and why. I don't even like the term "evil" because many people immediately picture some vast, nebulous thing that possesses and affects a person's rational mind. I definitely never mean "evil" in the sense of Satan or demons or devil or some kind of cloud or web of influence that causes people to act irrationally. At the end, I just have to return to my original definition: evil is just a judgment call based on perception, culture, law, empathy, and various other factors. If I were to kick my cat in the face, most people would think I was an evil jerk. But you don't know what a dick my cat can be!

But then Pandora is in a comic book where she released seven manifestations of despicable character traits that revel in the misery of mankind, so I should cut her some slack on her quest for understanding evil.

Back to Pandora's quest, she visits a Druid or Child Eating Witch in Flensburg in 1703 CE.

In a couple of centuries, I hope she visits the Lutz family to find out what they think of evil!

Lehrer actually comes fairly close to pointing out to Pandora that evil is in the eye of the judgmental dick-face, but instead she pulls some bullshit about her pet ghost in her cereal bowl. Why do "wise" people always have to obscure their message behind allegory and analogy and mystic hoodoo? One of my favorite things about The New Testament is how Jesus is always telling allegories to get a point across to his disciples. Yet every fucking time, they look at him quizzically and ask, "What the fuck?" And then he ends up having to drop the story and just tell them what he was trying to say. You'd think he could have found some more intelligent fishermen to back him up.

Meanwhile Special Agents Chang and Kincaid are investigating Pandora's arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. He's in trouble because Pandora has been labeled a super villain and he's helped arm her.

I'm still confused as to why Pandora has been labeled a super villain! Is it because she stole something that belonged to her from ARGUS? I can see ARGUS being pissed about that but why would SHADE care? I guess that's what the investigation is about but aren't law enforcement agents supposed to approach these things as if the person they're looking for is innocent until proven guilty?

Sorry! Sorry! I just made myself spit tea out of my mouth from typing something so fucking ridiculous. Of course they believe she's guilty of trying to kill Superman with her Box! What law enforcement agent doesn't believe the person they're after is guilty? They're all so convinced of their abilities that they're usually willing to shoot to kill without any actual evidence or a trial or any proof at all except a gut feeling. I bet the main thing she's guilty of is wielding guns without being a White Male.

Pandora has been trying to stop the Seven Sins for thousands of years. She's gathered wisdom and fighting techniques across that time. How to defeat them is all locked up in her head but she can't quite put it all together. What she needs is a House moment! She needs to see or experience something that will give her the A-ha Moment where she sees how the pieces of the puzzle all fit together. And it's in the fight in Lex Luthor's cell that she finally has that moment. She finally sees the thing that gives her the knowledge to be able to kill the Seven Sins. This is that moment:

Weird. I just see Frankenstein and Aquaman kissing.

Maybe this is a Rebus Puzzle like in the inside of a Lucky Lager bottle cap! Angry Wedgie + Necrophilia - Big Loser X Skull = Be the Sin? No, no. I don't see it. Perhaps it was seeing Frankenstein who is neither alive nor dead which brings back her lesson about the arrow that is there and not there. And maybe seeing the huge loser Aquaman made her recall the water in the flood she's not supposed to kick. And seeing her anger reflected back at her in Wrath recalled Lehrer's lesson about ghostly cereal. And maybe the entire fight itself made her remember when she learned to make a fist! Whatever the case, it all clicks and she realizes she needs to be consumed by each individual sin in order to interact with that sin. So she embraces her envy of all mankind and their ability to fuck each other which gives her the power to blow Envy's brains out all over Luthor's cell.

And now she's ready to take on the rest! I can't wait until she fights Lust!

Pandora #3 Rating: No change. I often like to compare stories to The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo and how can I not compare this one to that? It's the exact same story! Except for the number of ghosts because thirteen is more than seven. Also there isn't a big fat dog that can kind of talk a little bit.

Justice League Dark #23

Fucking Pandora #3 was giving me spoilers so I ditched it to finish this first!

Here I am! Time to read this book so I can find out how Black Adam gets his hands on Pandora's Box! I saw that when I tried to read Pandora #3 first because The Trinity War advertisements from two months ago listed the Pandora #3 tie-in before Justice League #23. Fuck you, DC! Get it right next time!

Although maybe they don't actually have a way to get it right. I have a feeling that this book is going to spoil some things happening in Pandora #3 and Pandora #3 spoils some stuff in this comic. My first plan was to read this issue anyway since it's the main story. So now I'm back to my initial plan! You can skip all of that stuff you just read because it's just me bitching and moaning about minor spoilers.

What are spoilers anyway? When you read a story, the story eventually spoils itself, right? When you first learn something, it's a surprise, so what's the big deal? Of course, I'd like to be able to know what Trinity War is about before DC tells me that all the heroes are going to die so they can do a Villains Month!

So last chapter, Wonder Woman had gone nuts by touching Pandora's Box while in Lex Luthor's prison cell. Superman and his Super Friends were blown up in ARGUS. And Batman was hanging out in the House of Mystery having tea. And Madame Xanadu was captured by the Purple People Leader and forced to narrate this issue.

The worst psychic ever, you immortal cunt. They went to Heaven and back! Not Hell! Heaven! You're not even fucking close! You got it exactly opposite what really happened!

Madame Xanadu decides to use her far-seeing to watch the Wonder Woman battle taking place. Nobody in that group can defeat Wonder Woman hand-to-hand! Aquaman? Are you kidding? Hawkman? Please! Fist to fist, Wonder Woman has it over those two chumps any day. Frankenstein? Maybe if he was looking to kill, he might have a chance. But his poet's heart is going to make him go easy on her and that'll be the end of him. Black Orchid might stand a chance if any writer had any clue as to what she was or how powerful she could be. But she's still kind of a cypher and I don't see that changing during a huge crossover event. She needs her own story or mini-series to work through who she actually is. Stargirl is too inexperienced. The only person in this entire group that I think could get the Box away from Wonder Woman is Zatanna! Say something backwards, stupid! Don't just stand there! At least try, "Kcus ssel, namauqA!"

Everybody fails in their fight against Wonder Woman but there's still hope to get the Box away from her before she decides she's the next fucking Hera.

Since Black Adam is dead, I think I just figured out what happens! Billy Batson spills black paint on himself!

Oh. No, that doesn't happen. Shazam gets the Box himself and recalibrates into an evil version of himself. Which looks nearly identical to Black Adam. Once Shazam changes form by saying his Magic Word while holding the Skull, every DC Character suddenly comes down with an Alderaan destroyed Obi Wan Kenobi sized headache. The headache also imparted some information to Deadman. He now believes he can find Madame Xanadu.

Surprisingly, everybody caught in the ARGUS explosion survived! Oh, I thought they were all going to die so we could get this Villains Month thing going already. I just hope Scott Lobdell isn't writing the Bizarro issue. If he's writing the Bizarro issue, I'm quitting this whole fucking project!

The Superman gang's story is really boring. They yell at Waller for a bit and then search the rubble for survivors. Who cares? Just fight something already!

Back in Lex Luthor's prison cell, Frankenstein suddenly doesn't have to hold back now that a male (and a bratty one at that) has Pandora's Box. Time to go full Monster on this fucker!

That's my boy!

Frankenstein also succumbs to the power of the Box but by this point, everybody is flipping the fuck out. Zatanna finally casts a fucking spell that protects her and Pandora and Stargirl from the Box's corrupting influence. Which allows her to begin helping out instead of just standing around looking adorable.

Hurry! Make Aquaman interesting while you're casting spells!

Well that spell should work for a few seconds.

With all of these splash pages, I'm surprised I'm still reading this thing. I should have been through with it twenty minutes ago! It's not like I'm saying anything interesting about it!

For the majority of this battle, I was rooting for Frankenstein because the rest of these people are twats. Well, not Black Orchid but she seriously needs a mini-series or something before I can fully get back into loving her. And I adore Wonder Woman in her own title but not this one that's been making out with Superman. But Frankenstein is the coolest corpse in the room until my real main man shows up! Not Lobo. Although I'd root for Lobo! No, this time it's just John Constantine.

I guess Papa Midnite did a pretty fantastic healing job on him.

At this point, I'm not even sure the Constantine Tie-in should have been written. That issue should have just had them stop in somewhere for Frozen Yogurt while Constantine warns Billy about the Skull, Billy says, "Stuff it, old man," and then they go their separate ways to end up here. It would have been just as effective!

John and Zatanna end up in Greece because that's where the Skull decided to bring them, outside the Temple of Hephaestus. They discover that Madame Xanadu has been imprisoned in a bunker beneath the site. And then Batman and his gang arrive! Hopefully nobody decides to punch anybody else in the face simply because that's standard operating procedure! For once violence doesn't erupt and everybody decides to listen to Madame Xanadu who explains that Pandora's Box is not a prison but a doorway.

Oh yeah. That's obviously an evil Alfred from another Earth. And that Earth is probably Villain Earth, right? Which is where Pandora's Door leads. Which is why Seven Aspects of Evil came through the Doorway already long ago.

Justice League Dark #23 Rating: No change. I suppose if everybody on the internet has already guessed that this is an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth than DC is going to have to change this from being an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth! Just like they fucked up Monarch with the Hawk twist when it was so obviously Captain Atom! Stupid fucking DC. And just like Lost changed direction after everybody guessed that the island was Purgatory and everybody was already dead. Fucking writers. Stop reading what people write on the internets and just tell your stupid goddamn stories.

Superman Unchained #3

Jim Lee's art does absolutely nothing for me.

Isn't three issues about Jim Lee's limit before he begins missing deadlines and they replace him with a better artist for most issues? And then he returns every third or fourth issue to scribble out an issue of sketchy bullshit before an inker comes in and tries to pretty it up for everybody to jerk off over while dreaming of Jim Lee's beautiful, starry eyes? Although I must say he draws a nice cock.

Last issue ended with Superman and Fat Man about to take the shit and make it real. But this issue begins in 1938 in Utah. I don't know. That just doesn't sound like it's going to be very exciting.

The first issue was called "The Leap." The second issue was called "The Fall." And now this issue is called "Answered Prayers." Did somebody lose track of their theme? I suppose they're all still somehow religious in some aspect or another. Superman is seen by some as a God that can save or destroy them. But Superman is too much of a goody goody to see himself as a God. But the World War II superman I've been calling Fat Man that came to Earth in 1938? This may be the version of Superman that the world needs to fear because he was an "answered prayer" and thus seen as God's weapon given to America. Superman is going to have to battle the version of Superman that Batman and Lex Luthor are afraid of. And in so doing, he'll have to take a hearty look inside himself and the limits to which he'll go to save the world using his powers over mankind.

Or it'll be completely different and I have no idea what I'm talking about. Sometimes that happens. And other times, I just draw cocks on things.

Oh come on! At least let the readers have this jerk's name! Stop fucking around, Snyder! This is some Lobdell shit right here! Unless his name is revealed after I turn the page. Then I might be willing to apologize.

Fat Man follows orders and doesn't tell Superman his big secret nor does he take a moment to put some pants on. Instead he stands there with his dick hanging out while General Lane directs this gigantic porno.

And then Fat Man shows Superman how he earned his code name!

General Lane even has a couple of huge military stage lights for the porno's set.

As they say, it's all about power.

Look at that panel up there. That's why I can't stand Jim Lee's art. I can draw a man's face and scribble all over it too! I can understand this art capturing the zeitgeist of the early nineties and exploding the color-in-the-lines business that mainstream comic book editors and publishers had been carefully maintaining for many years. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I didn't like it then, so I never bought a single Image book. And I don't like it now. In fact, it amazes me that people still rave over Jim Lee's art. In a lot of ways, it works and I'm absolutely fine with it. I just can't get over how some people worship it. Of course, I never understood why people worshiped Nirvana either, so I guess I just don't have the part of the brain that hooks up the zip line to the current zeitgeist and gets to sliding with everybody else.

Let me just reiterate for the thickheaded: I don't think Jim Lee's art is horrible. It's definitely improved over the years. And most of his art is in the "pretty good" category. It's just that his style is in my "enough already" aesthetic waste paper basket.

Superman decides he isn't going to kneel and he isn't going to stick anything in his motherfucking mouth. He begins destroying Lane's ridiculous black hole guns until Fat Man stops him cold.

No wonder this book is called Superman Unchained!

Superman refuses to submit because how dare anybody ever ask Superman to to show vulnerability. Sure, General Lane is going about it all wrong! Who wouldn't rebel against the American Military telling you you have to follow their orders. If Superman wanted to follow your orders, he would have enlisted, asshole. Just because you're the American military, it doesn't mean you have the right to force people to obey whatever you fucking want. Nobody owes their freedom to you and stop acting like they do! A lot of the population born within the borders of the United States of America didn't agree to go along with America's imperialistic bullshit and to also pretend that you're somehow securing our freedoms while actually working in the best interests of corporations and government officials tied by the pocket book to those corporations. America owes its freedom to the people who don't buy into that bullshit. It owes its freedom to the people who will burn the American Flag when they see injustice. It owes its freedom to those who question, not to those who blindly follow orders. America owes its freedom to people smart enough not to buy into patriotic propaganda and are willing to be seen as anti-American when they know they're standing for what is right. So stop trying to paint liberals and pacifists as anti-American, you fucking war mongering pieces of shit!

I think I began that paragraph trying to say, "Why doesn't Superman just calm down and talk it out?" But I already knew the answer before I could even think up the question. The whole scene has been played as General Lane's power hungry rape fantasy to get Superman to submit. Why wouldn't Superman struggle for his life?

Eventually, Fat Man simply drop kicks Superman across Utah. Fat Man follows Superman and once out of General Lane's earshot, he convinces Superman to calm down so they can talk. And then he invites Superman back to his pad. Well well well. I guess Superman was just being shy in front of the cameras.

Meanwhile on Lois Lane's crashing private jet, Lois takes the controls because she's the best of the people on board at crash landing planes.

Speaking of crash landing planes, I'll tell you a secret. It's not going to be as good a secret as that introduction made it sound. But it says a lot about me, if you take the time to truly understand and, possibly, if you're familiar with the books. I'm not a person that usually has a favorite book or a favorite movie or whatnot. I just love what I love and talk about those things when they come up. But my Father-in-Common-Law's new wife, while trying to get to know me, asked my what my five favorite books were. I told her the list changes depending on mood and memory but at the time, I said, "Catch 22. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The Grapes of Wrath. Pale Fire. And House of Leaves." Having never really given it much thought, it wasn't later until I realized how much these books had in common. The first three in my list especially. They were about characters fucked in the ass by a society they never agreed to take part in. And in the end, they don't change that society like you'd expect of some grand hero. Someone with a great ideal and charisma and power who fights the gargantuan beast of oppression and wins the day. No. Instead, they're all about heroes who escape. Orr teaches Yossarian the only way to win is to escape the system. McMurphy teaches Chief how to escape the system while losing his own battle against it. And Tom Joad disappears into the night, ready to help those who need help and battle in the darkness and trenches of a system that has beaten and broken him down. Pale Fire and House of Leaves have some similar themes with Kinbote and Truant escaping their realities. But what was interesting was how these were my favorite books and I'd really never put together the common theme. But it absolutely made sense once I realized it. And it is this theme of the individual finding a way to escape and survive that truly speaks to me.

Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorites as well! I also enjoy some nice surrealism with a nice heaping helping of Dada on the side. But I think I've spoken at length on how much finding "grand meaning" means to me already. So I'll just get back to Superman.

Lois Lane crash lands her plane like a champion and the narrative returns to 1938 when American Military Scientists spoke to space and got an answer.

Is this guy from a place like Krypton? Is he a Daxamite? Do they need to keep him away from lead?

Superman gets the tour of Fat Man's home although General Lane and his men insist on escorting them. Supes finds out Fat Man's name is "Wraith" which stands for "William Rudolph's Ace In The Hole." Sounds sexylicious! "Hey Will! I'm feeling kind of horny? Can I borrow your ace in the hole?"

I'm not going to harp on it but I've got to mention two places with errors in the text. Just saying! So the editors can step up their game. People are noticing, DC! You want to put out the best product you possibly can, right? So stop making stupid errors and show more cock!

Superman learns that Wraith has been the U.S.'s secret weapon for close to eighty years. Wraith is the Superman that Superman suggested he could be before Batman shot him down. Superman helps out but doesn't steer mankind's future. Wraith and The Machine (the military group run by General Lane) mold the world to America's best interests. They interfere, manipulate, and dominate. They also believe that they're doing heroic work. Superman, having listened to Batman for years, might think a bit differently.

General Lane is the anti-Bruce Wayne.

This speech is really nice. Especially Superman's attitude as he just listens and lets the General rant. Superman has already considered all of this stuff. He doesn't need some military jackass telling him his philosophical decision to not become the world's biggest fascist dictator was a bad decision. I especially love how Lane believes Superman does it for the recognition and the love and the applause. I would say, any day of the week, if a General in the United States Army called me a disappointment, I'd take it as one of the best compliments in the world. Fuck you and your imperialism and your need to keep America's interests safe above all else. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, buddy. Eat S-H-I-T. And fuck the fuck off.

Some lackey rushes in with a report of an attack on Japan and Superman rushes off half-cocked with his new best buddy, fully-cocked Wraith. Goddammit, Superman! Don't get sucked in by the military and their charming, big-cocked naked alien!

Meanwhile Lex Luthor has escaped prison. And Lois Lane and her fellow pilots (the ones that don't crash as well as she does) are saved by the mysterious Tuna Man with the Blue Kryptonite.

And back to Tokyo, Wraith explains to Superman how much he's looked forward to fighting by his side. And also some other future plans he's been planning.

This is the type of scene I like best when it comes to Jim Lee. And Superman's face isn't full of cross-hatched fuckery.

The Epilogue is simply Lex Luthor's first stop after escaping prison: Jimmy Olsen's place! Yay!

Superman Unchained #3 Rating: +3 Ranking. I thought I wasn't going to really get into this issue when it began with a bunch of wasted pages of rocks falling down and Superman in General Lane's BDSM fantasy. But it all came together and I really thought Lane's lecture was well done. I didn't agree with any of it (except maybe Superman saving kittens. I'd read that comic book) but it was really well stated!

Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!

Constantine #6

Fucked.

Last issue, Constantine left his body in a seedy dive in New York called The Joint. Not very responsible of him. Even if he comes back for it, it'll likely have suffered some kind of horrible abuse. I hope he wakes back up with his mouth full of semen and a huge turd on his chest. Constantine's buddy Lloyd is currently watching over it but Lloyd might be slightly pervy himself. Constantine does have a big smoking hole in his chest and, well, how many chances does a shitty dive bar owner get to fuck a dying man in the chest? A dozen, maybe?

Lloyd does call Zatanna because how else do you save the life of a magician ravaged by a demon? Too bad he doesn't have the number for that Demon Nurse whose name I've forgotten.

I just recently learned that Hawaiian Pidgin has the word "da kine" which can be used as a placeholder for any word that you can't remember or possibly don't know. My brain often doesn't allow me to access the word I want even though I know, quite specifically, which word I'm looking for. I've learned to compensate by throwing in a random word so I can just get my thought out. Even though The Non-Certified Spouse is used to this, it can still confuse her. So I should try to remember to use "da kine" from now on! Although what do you replace "da kine" with if you can't remember "da kine"?

As a nearly dead Astral Projection, Constantine encounters his good buddy Chris who is a little bit upset about the way things ended between them. Namely that John used him and left him to die. From what I've seen in movies where people have friends, that sort of thing isn't cool. I guess John was supposed to risk his own life to save his friend's life? Bah! Who needs that kind of pressure?

Meanwhile in Switzerland, some apprentices in The Cold Flame learn they've made a huge mistake.

How do evil organizations keep their membership rosters full? People sign up for this shit of their own free will? "Hey, come join The Cold Flame and have a demon burst out of your stomach, killing you! Don't like that? Well how about being used as sacrifices and getting your heads chopped off? The Cold Flame! Prepared. For life. Which Probably Won't Last Long For Most of You."

The Cold Flame leader, Tannarak, heads to New York with his new dead disciples in demon form and a Paramedic Werewolf. They plan on destroying Constantine's body before he can return to it.

I can't imagine how much shit would go down in pursuit of Constantine's soul. It would be like a fucked up bloody evil naked-demon filled Mahabharata. Hey! I spelled that correctly on my first try! I get a gold cookie.

Now that I'm almost through with this issue and it really hasn't shaken the whimsy loose from the icicles covering my soul, I realize I should have made this issue my first try at reading a comic book all the way through and then discussing it. Oh well. I was busy. I had to sleep about 58 of the last 48 hours away. Probably because I'm an Atheist and live in a world of sadness and despair, and not having anything at all to do with brain chemistry, shitty weather, and a lack of Oreos.

That part about being sad and filled with despair was sarcasm, for those who actually think that's how Atheist's live. Sheesh. We know joy! Just ask my backyard filled with small domesticated animal corpses! Or the bathtub full of their blood in which I soak every night while masturbating onto a crucifix.

Now I'm in the mood to watch horror movies, drink sake, and cry.

I also want to play some fucking board games or role-playing games on a regular basis. I suppose I could find a group to do that with but fuck if I can't stand role-playing with anybody but the friends I've gamed with my entire life. I've always been horrible at meeting new people. I'm one of those people who forgot how to make friends after elementary school. Here's a fun fact: I have four times as many Followers on Tumblr as I have friends on Facebook! And most of my friends on Facebook are relatives!

That's okay, though! The friends I do have are the best people in the world. I don't suffer fools or shallow assholes. If you're a friend of mine, you're a pretty fucking good human being. If you're a friend of mine I've sort of lost contact with, it's because you don't have an online presence! Get with the times, man! Says the guy without a cell phone. Hmm. That might help me remain in contact with people!

Let's pull out of this pathetic nosedive and talk about something else before I get back to John Constantine. I was just looking at some of the links that send traffic to my website (placesandpredators.com, where I house all the scanned pictures) and found a forum called "Fantasy Face-Off". I get a lot of shit traffic to places like this where people argue about which fictional character can beat up which other fictional character. People get really fucking serious about this shit. Generally they hotlink to one of my Superman scans where it mentions he's bench-pressed six times the weight of the Earth while only generating one drop of sweat. Well two days ago, somebody suggested Godzilla versus Superman! And here is the Number One, Gold Medal Response to that match up:

Superman, no contest.
Won't even try and explain why, it's common sense honestly.
I would actually classify this as a mismatch to be truthful.

"It's common sense honestly." "[A] mismatch to be truthful." Well, thanks for being honest about who would so obviously win in this battle! And that guy's name was Reptilian! Race traitor! Man, he can't even take the time to explain his reasons because it's so fucking obvious! IT'S COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE! So that's what common sense is used for! Is this the type of common sense that all hyper-intelligent people lack? The ability to see so fucking clearly why Superman would beat Godzilla? THREAD CLOSED, MOTHERFUCKER! DUE TO COMMON SENSE! BITCH!

But wait! We have other golden responses! Oh, and if you're actually here to find out how Constantine ends, he doesn't die or something. I don't know. I haven't finished it yet. If you're really that interested, go spend $2.99 and find out for yourself. I have a forum about Superman versus Godzilla to read! So let's get back to the other responses!

Swarmlord2012 says,

It depends on what incarnation of Superman and Godzilla you use.

Are there really that many variations of Godzilla? Was there a Kryptonite Breath Godzilla? Because, hey, common sense! I know who wins that one! But what fucking version of Superman is going to convince Reptilian that this isn't a mismatch? Superman on a planet with a red sun? Because Superman is pretty much fucked there, right?

Being that this is the internet, Reptilian's next post discards his first theory in order to simply argue with Swarmlord2012's belief that Final Wars Superman has infinite power. Since this is the internet, having opinions is only fun if you have somebody to argue with. So Reptilian decides to shit all over Superman's possible power level at one time in his comic book history. And then Swarmlord2012 comes back with this bit of fucking amazing:

As far as I'm concerned there is no reason not to assume that Final Wars Godzilla isn't omnipotent.

Holy fucking shit! Final Wars Godzilla is omnipotent!? Or wait. Is that what he said? Who fucking doesn't not write sentences with no positives whatsover?

That's about it for that. The forum discussion really needs a moderator since every new person that joins in decides "it depends on which version of each character" is the only real common sense answer!

Back to Constantine, Lloyd's ass is saved not by Zatanna but by a different person that Constantine has recently pissed off:

Perhaps he thought it over a bit and realized Constantine did help save his life. Or maybe he just wants a chance to fuck Constantine in the chest hole.

Forget Papa Midnite for a second. I couldn't resist! I had to go back to Fantasy Face-off's forums and see what other stupid fucking match-ups they came up with! They have a pure fantasy section with dream match-ups as "Frost Giant versus Cave Troll." Really? Just get out your own fucking dice and Monster Manual and figure it out yourself! You need some deep philosophical plumbing of this match-up to really feel like you've put the matter to rest? I suppose they're discussing specific literary examples of these creatures. But my way is still easier to come up with a winner! Here are some more battles forum users have suggested:

Harry Potter vs. Percy Jackson
Flying Dutchman vs. Black Pearl
Lord Voldemort vs. Sauron
Ceiling Cat vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (come on! Take this seriously, assholes! Obviously Ceiling Cat. Common sense)
Aragorn vs. Legolas
Ghost Rider vs. Balgrog
Samson vs. Achilles
Coke vs. Pepsi (this was in the Historical Versus Forum. Now I'm considering match-ups like "Dr. Pepper vs. Hitler" or "Mr. Pibb vs. Genghis Khan")

Let me take a time out from listing match-ups. I'll get back to it because this shit fascinates me. Not who can beat up whom. But that people actually care about working this shit out. Here's a quote from Epicness about how tired he is having to read people talk about "people in armor being as mobile as stones and katanas cleaving through other swords":

Yea...people need to do theor research before they have a discussion about it! That's why i love this forum. Nobody bases their votes on who they like more. We actually have brains!

Wow! This must be the definitive forum for face-off results! Maybe I'll think up some match-ups for them!

Pippi Longstockings vs. Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Green Gables vs. Laura Ingalls
Harriet the Spy vs. Dorothy Gale
Superman vs. Huck Finn
Johnny Truant vs. Charles Kinbote
Charles Kinbote vs. Professor V. Botkin
Pelafina Lievre vs. Ma Joad
Kilgore Trout vs. John Yossarian
Tom Joad vs. Tom Bombadill
Randle MacMurphy vs. Strider

You get the point. Let's finish this comic book, bitches!

Constantine and Papa Midnite come to some sort of agreement as to why Papa should save Constantine's life. Meanwhile, Tannarak discovers John Constantine's home by continually repeating "Mystic Symbols" in Old Portugese [sic]. So Constantine lives again. He's made a tentative kind of peace with Papa Midnite. And Tannarak of the Cold Flame has discovered all of John's mystic treasures. Be with us next time for "A Poor Start in John's Pet Store Apartment" or "Brother Mage you spare a dime?".

Constantine #6 Rating: No change. I'm not exactly sure why I was so distracted that it took me three sittings to finish reading this comic book. Maybe I need to read a bunch of old comics for awhile before I jump back in to commenting on The New 52. Or maybe I should go outside and reconnect to the world! I wonder if anybody wants to go get drunk with me in some open air patio somewhere?