Constantine the Hellblazer #11

This is exactly the type of hedonistic deviltries I expect people in Hollywood to get up to.

The Review!
This version of Constantine has managed to retain the spirit of the character unlike the previous sanitized New 52 version which was just John getting into trouble with magic or demons and then John casting a dangerous spell with dire consequences to save the day and then never really having to deal with the dire consequences. It might not feel quite as gritty and dark as the Vertigo version but it's close enough that I'm really enjoying it. And besides, the main constant in Constantine's life is that every few years, he gets a new creative team to tell his stories. And this is a new team with an interesting take and conflicts that need more imaginative sorting than the ones found in the previous version.

The Commentary
This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?" Some people may have been overwhelmed by the loving gesture but I instantly saw it as a moneymaking opportunity! I said, "Sure I can. If you pay me!" She said she had no money so I asked her how much her mother had. Long story short, my niece owes me a quarter next time I see her.

Here she is doing a better Lobo impression than Twat Lobo from The New 52.

Another thing that happened is people on Tumblr began reblogging my favorite X-men story joke but not understanding it was a joke because it was such a spot on parody of the mess the X-men have become thanks to decades of loony time travel stories. This is what I said: "Favorite X-men story: the X-men time travel from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling." It turns out this must fairly accurately describe some New X-Men story arc that I've never read because people keep tagging it with New X-men notes and defending Hank McCoy's decision to...I don't know! Fuck up continuity?! Other people have reblogged it thinking it really is an example of somebody's favorite story arc because they agree with it and think it's awesome. I am left with the conclusion that people are far too earnest than they probably think they are. My story idea is obviously nonsense! Although if it's an accurate representation of a story that happened in the X-men universe then fuck the X-men universe because that shit is shit. Which it must be because somebody replied to my joke with this: "In the end, retconning the story and making it seem like nothing happened." I shouldn't be so surprised that I can make such an educated guess as to the stories of the X-men even though I haven't read one since Grant Morrison and Josh Whedon were writing for the series because I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

To be fair, it's not like I can check all of the tags people add to every reblog. I should be earnest enough to believe that everybody gets it's a joke and stop being overly cynical about every single fucking thing that ever happens in this universe. I also should have made my niece sign an IOU.

To be more fair, one person tagged the post "No Joke". No, actually it was a joke. It was a fucking joke! It isn't actually my favorite story nor did I realize such a story seems to actually exist! I can't tell what is real anymore!

Anyway, Constantine is currently in L.A. instead of New York so that he can bitch about how people like to point out the differences between the two places. He says people who compare the two are missing the point and then begins shitting all over Los Angeles because he thinks they think they're better than everybody else. Which is probably true. But it isn't any less true about New Yorkers, so why even bring it up?

This guy's night just got interesting!

The party is being hosted by the angel Gabriel. Get it? Because it's the city of angels! Is that the real difference between New York and Los Angeles? One is full of demons and the damned and the other is full of angels and shit?

Gabriel is the guardian angel of Hollywood making sure that the entertainment industry doesn't get taken over by all those filthy demons from New York. That sounds like it could be an anti-Semitic allegory! Although if it is, it doesn't make any sense because the Jews already own Hollywood which would mean Gabriel totally fucked up his job.

Constantine has come to Gabriel for help against Neron. Oh yeah! I forgot that there was an actual story lurking in the shadows here. Constantine's argument for Gabriel's help is that if New York is taken over by Neron, all of the seedy magicians and their annoying familiars are going to flood into Los Angeles. I happen to think a good amount of them would wind up in Portland because why not? Every other loser who believes they have an ounce of creativity has found their way here.

It's possible I just insulted myself in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

Ugh! No! I just said...NO, DAMMIT! ENOUGH!

Gabriel says he won't help so Constantine decides to just fuck off. Let somebody else deal with it. He's just going to go get drunk. The problem with that is Constantine can never just fuck off. Something always pulls him back in. And this time, it'll probably be Oliver. Or drugs. Maybe some hot sex. Alcohol? Could wind up being anything, really.

I forgot Deadman was on the cover so it surprises me when Boston Brand becomes the thing trying to pull Constantine back to New York. Although John swears he's still working with the angels even though Gabriel politely declined to help. He probably put something in the smoke he kept breathing into Gabriel's face that will cause Gabriel some kind of mystic discomfort which only John can cure and he'll only cure it if Gabriel helps. That sounds like a Constantine plan.

Eventually, Deadman just possesses John and drags him back to New York against his will. On the flight, John manages to banish Deadman but since John's stuck in New York overnight now, he decides to head home to his own bed. That's where he discovers Oliver who explains that his daughters have been taken to Hell. Whoops!

Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

But enough about that crappy Justice League! It's time to see off the Justice League that is actually saving the world.

Look how cute Alanna is with her teacher who really shouldn't have started a sexual relationship with her.

This story is the story of the first Breaker Justice League United had to deal with. Which means it's probably also the story in which Adam Strange becomes part of the Zeta Beam. It's also a story called "House of Secrets" which will really please me if the House of Secrets is actually in it.

The Breaker has landed in Western Connecticut and set up a dome around the town. People can get into the dome but then can't leave. So Justice League United becomes trapped immediately. Only Adam Strange is outside of the dome and he flies off to help keep people out and to figure out how to rescue everybody.

To be fair, Adam, I think they were less concerned with space opera drama than sexual harassment lawsuits and abuses of power.

Justice League United begins to ask questions to the strange looking Travel Foremanesque locals because they don't know what a Breaker looks like. A kid on a bike helps them out by pointing to an old house that wasn't in town that morning: the House of Secrets! I hope Rain still lives there! Maybe Stargirl will become the judge for the Juris!

Yay! Maybe not better than Rain but just as good: Abel is back!

Equinox walks into a room where she sees the creation of the Wendigo (or whatever the creature is that haunts her people. I forget!). Stargirl witnesses Boston Brand's death. Animal Man sees the Kents' stealing a baby out of a rocket ship. Alanna decides Abel is the breaker and kills him. Too bad he's used to being murdered. He gets back up, dusts himself off, and explains to the Justice League United that they are in a house of secrets. He's actually pretty reasonable about it for having just had his arm blown off by a grad student.

While the others explore the House of Secrets, Adam learns that if Alanna uses her zeta beam technology while in the Breaker, she'll wind up a permanent part of the zeta beam. I guess learning that information won't stop Adam from doing it.

Why are heroes always so quick to throw their lives away? Just ask Abel nicely! I'm sure he'll help if everybody just starts respecting him as their host!

Adam zeta beams out causing the House of Secrets to collapse because it really was the Breaker. I guess Abel hasn't actually made a real appearance then. Although Jeff Parker gets away with introducing a character into the DC You that editorial definitely didn't want existing in the new DC:

Detective Chimp is canon! And not just Channel 52 canon! Real canon!

After Alanna tells the story of the first Breaker, she explains to the others what she saw in the House of Secrets. She saw that her father was Sardath of Rann. And now she thinks she knows how to force Sardath into saving Adam from the zeta beam and ending Justice League United with a clean slate. Which is what happens and everybody lives happily ever after until Justice League United is resurrected with an awful writer and then they'll all be super sad.

Justice League United #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Jeff Parker saved this book but I guess it was too late. I've also got to say that I was always ambivalent about Travel Foreman's art but he's won me over on this book. His style is all over the place and I love it. He may be the only artist in comics who can draw average sized boobs. And they look great! I'm going to miss this book because Jeff Parker understands how to write a comic book. A good mix of fun and adventure and character interactions and good old super hero nonsense.

Justice League United #12

This is an odd cover.

The actual cover (underneath the weirdly textured blank cover that I guess I'm supposed to doodle on) is Poison Ivy piddling into Swamp Thing's skull. Her piddle is probably full of nutrients and/or mind-altering substances which will help Swamp Thing overpower the bad guy. Or Swamp Thing is just into people peeing on him. It's not weird if you're a plant. Or you're in the shower. Or you have those special sheets on your bed which your stupid friends never stopped making fun of you for having because you forgot to hide them in the closet that one time they came over after school to watch Robotech with you.

The issue begins with Justice League United and its guests running for their lives as the Red Goo Island they're on in the middle of Lake Erie begins to try to eat them. The comic book begins with these words: "A super-gross living island in the middle of Lake Erie." Which is what I just said so I probably should rework this entire paragraph. Or just start over.

Do young people today even know that "gross" means anything other than a person they hate for righteous reasons which allow the young person to be a complete asshole to, and possibly ruin the life of (if they're able) the "gross" person? I think it's "super-gross" that Jeff Parker would describe the island as "super-gross" just because it looks like a vagina.

What's so gross about it? It even still has all of its teeth!

Now I want business cards that proclaim I'm a Vaginal Dentist.

Poison Ivy, a scientist, theorizes that the island can feel the heroes running about it, as if they were mites, and so the island is generating antibodies to destroy the mites. Great theory, Jenny McCarthy! I mean, unless that's really something bodies do! It's not like you learn about mites and antibodies in Vaginal Dental School. I probably shouldn't have called Poison Ivy "Jenny McCarthy" when I can't be sure of all of the facts. Maybe I'm the Jenny McCarthy in this situation!

I feel really uncomfortable picking up and reading this comic book with its beautifully blank white canvas cover. I'm sure I'm smearing chocolate and pizza grease and testicle particulates all over it.

Etrigan uses his Hellfire to blast the "antibodies" because what else is he going to use? Logic and reason?! They're just "antibodies"! And he's just a "demon"! Although I'm not sure it's actually Etrigan because he isn't attempting to rhyme. Maybe Jeff Parker misplaced his rhyming dictionary while writing the script for this issue.

Poison Ivy soon refers to the "antibodies" as "germs" so I'm just going to go back to calling her Jenny McCarthy, if that's okay with the rest of you.

No! Your flame "burns" them! Has anybody checked on Jeff Parker lately? Has he been complaining of numbness down one side of his body in a garbled voice because half of his face isn't working? Is one pupil dilated? Can somebody give him a call?

Mera destroys the antibodies or germs or protozoa or whatever because they're 99% water. That's all the explanation anybody needs for the end of that battle unless, for some perverse reason, you don't know anything about Mera. For those people, here's a quick introduction to Mera: she's a bad-ass motherfucker (in the metaphorical sense and not the literal sense because her ass is the opposite of bad and she doesn't fuck mothers); she has red hair; she has a great ass (which can't be mentioned enough); she can control water; she sees something special in Aquaman even though 99% of the world doesn't (maybe it's his water).

Once Mera encases everybody in a super protective thin membrane of water, she and the others take a moment to grill Equinox on Justice League United's terrible plan which very nearly got them all killed by vaccines. Or whatever. Don't they realize Swamp Thing being sucked into the heart of the goo is obviously part of the plan to destroy the goo? And Poison Ivy's uselessness will turn into usefulness once she needs to pee? I guess it's harder to guess the plan when you're a character who's not allowed to see the cover of their own comic book. I'm not talking about the cover with the beer on it.

While Equinox's team learns the ins and outs of the plan (mostly outs and mostly urine), Alanna and Stargirl are busy recruiting to defeat the next Breaker threatening to destroy the whole of creation. One of the new recruits is Steel which is like yawn and snore and almost wake up but no I was just rolling over to get more comfortable. But Stargirl is recruiting Cliff Steele, Robotman, who is currently working with the Doom Patrol which totally needs its own comic book! Cliff must be the person in the next team who will be torn apart and presumed dead which will lead the others to turn on the Justice League United representative (probably Animal Man) and say, "What the fuck kind of dog and boney show is this?!" Then Animal Man will say, "No, no. It's dog and pony." And Cliff will be all, "Who the fuck goes to see a show with dogs and ponies? At least I get the connection to dogs and bones!"

Etrigan is shitting all over his ex right now. And I'm with him! How many times have I said Madame Xanadu is the biggest barn owl in the DC Youniverse?! Too many to count, that's how many!

While Etrigan was agreeing with everything I've ever said about using prophecy as the plot for comic books and which I also mentioned last commentary as the only potential bad thing about Parker's new take on Justice League United, Poison Ivy "watered" the island.

Etrigan gives everybody a quick Latin lesson that is only barely quick enough to let everybody know the island is about to fly. Which it does immediately after Etrigan says the word "fly." Also, everybody else understood that was what was happening when Swamp Thing mentioned it was gathering methane like five minutes ago. But thanks for the fun lesson, Etrigan! I enjoyed it!

Now that the island is full of methane, the plan is for Etrigan to prove he's just a one-trick boney and spit hellfire into it. Mera will encase the team in another protective layer of water because if there's one thing that protects against violent explosions, it's a bubble.

I mean, it might really be a bubble! I'm Jenny McCarthy, remember? I majored in literature and most of that literature wasn't science text books. So I don't know for sure what causes an explosion but I can tell you about that time in Bleak House when the fat guy with the birds spontaneously combusted.

Actually, that's as much as I can tell you because I'm not good at remembering details. Although I think maybe the document that solved the court case of Person's Name versus Same Person's Name was being used to line the bird cage or something.

Crap. That describes me exactly! Tumblr was right! I am gross!

As Equinox and Etrigan prepare to Mythbuster the shit out of this island, Poison Ivy regains her senses after channeling Swamp Thing. Mera points out she was mumbling something about Batman's cock while she was out of it. That's probably the number one thing muttered about in the DC Youniverse when characters are semi-conscious.

Etrigan does a little bit of rhyming at the end because either he likes to make a huge statement or Jeff Parker found his rhyming dictionary. It probably got mixed into his goat porn.

The only problem with Adam Strange's mission plans is that they will always have a cost. This time it's Swamp Thing.

Next time it will be poor Cliff Steele. It's always Cliff Steele! He'll probably wind up being nothing more than memories on an MP3 by the time the next story is over.

Now that Mera knows what kind of price must be paid for engaging in a Justice League Untitled mission, she'll probably volunteer Aquaman for the next job.

Now that one Breaker has been defeated, it's time for the members of the next mission! We already have Steel and Cliff Steele, so who's next? Who else has "Steel" in their name? Commander Steel! Also Batgirl. In the scene with Batgirl, she calls Blockbuster a hipster and points out how he was "smashing this cafe before it was cool." So obviously, Batgirl is the real hipster! Nothing defines a hipster better than pointing out all of the other hipsters! Except when I'm pointing them out! "I'm definitely no hipster," I say while twirling my meticulously waxed mustache and feeling really uncomfortable in my new pants that I can't pull up past my ass crack although my Mr. Bubble t-shirt is super comfy! Now where did I put my fake glasses? Oh yeah! I left them in my swank messenger bag.

Justice League United #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Jeff Parker has swooped in like a vampire descending upon a virgin and saved this book! I am not the virgin in that analogy and also that analogy is not very good because I don't think vampires are technically into saving virgins. I think they spend virgins as soon as they find them until they're completely in virgin debt up to their guy balls. I have nothing against Jeff Lemire except his initial run on Justice League Unfathomable which I saw as an affront to comic books and a personal assault on my way of life (which is a life where I don't have to read time travel stories about a person coming from the future to change the past to ensure that the future from which the person came from continues to exist in the future). I'm not angry at Jeff Lemire for that huge mistake, so I'll stop griping about how much it irked me. Instead, let me point out how Jeff Parker has come up with a concept that I adore! The Justice League Unconscionable are actually keeping the world safe and they've found a way to pull in a bunch of guest stars every few issues! I'm slowly falling in love with this comic book and I hope that one day it will let me put my penis inside of it.

Justice League United #11

This comic book cover is trying way too hard.

The last issue of Justice League United came out in March so I don't remember what was going on. Hell, I don't even remember who was on the team aside from the people on the cover (at least the ones I recognize!). I do remember that Justice League United were engaged in a time travel battle for a future that--let's face it--doesn't actually matter. People from the future really need to stop going back in time to fix the future. As human beings, we discover strange and wonderful things constantly as we get better and better at understanding the universe we live in. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that time travel will never work in such a way that somebody can go back in time and change the future timeline from which they came. If time travel is ever possible, all "time travelers" will accomplish is erasing themselves from the current timeline. The other scientists would shrug their shoulders and perceive the experiment as a failure and go on trying to figure out where they went wrong while the time traveler is currently in the past (some past but not the one he came from! Not anymore, at least, since his arrival changes everything) strangling baby Hitler.

I saw that Travel Foreman was the artist since his name was right there on the cover. But by the time I got around to opening up the comic book, I forgot that he was the artist. And then I opened the comic book and his art punched me in the equilibrium. It's like being on a boat while looking into a Funhouse mirror. After saying that, I also have to say how it's also quite beautiful because Travel Foreman lovers will read my experiential account of seeing his art as shitting all over it when it wasn't at all so eat dick. One thing I've learned from writing on the internet for eighteen years is that only people who completely misunderstand everything they read use the internet.

Although I think Jeromy Cox forgot to color in one of the costumes unless Maxine the Disembodied Head joined the Justice League.

Doesn't Miiyahbin look great in this shot? Just beautiful. And the disembodied head might actually be wearing an all black suit but I just can't tell from this page. I typed that because anybody who has read this comic book and already knows what the fuck is going on with her is probably already writing a comment which reads "You're an idiot" and that "You should keep your comments to yourself until you've read the whole comic book" and "Do you know that Jeromy Cox is trying his hardest! Love his mother"?

The new concept for Justice League United is that Adam Strange hangs out in the Zeta Beam looking for anomalies called "Breakers" that can destroy the universe if the Breakers themselves are not destroyed. To destroy each Breaker, Adam Strange must assemble the perfect group of heroes, different for each Breaker. In this issue, he and Justice League United will have to convince Swamp Thing, Etrigan, and Mera to join the battle with Equinox and Maxine the Animal Girl. Unless that's not Maxine. Once again, I'm spouting off ignorantly before gathering all of the facts! Kind of like how every single other comic book fan other than me does when they sit back and judge every story by the solicits alone.

Animal Man picks up Mera by pointing out that a lot of people mistake him for Aquaman so if she'd like to make that mistake too, he's free for the evening. Although right now that would mean she'd simply kill him. But Mera agrees to help Justice League United if they help her find Aquaman later.

Stargirl is in charge of gathering Swamp Thing.

Travel Foreman's characters actually look age appropriate. Doesn't he know he's drawing comic books?!

Poison Ivy is the red head in the black costume and it makes sense now! Those vines are part of her costume and not just an outgrowth of Swamp Thing! It was like one of those visual illusions where you think you're looking at two nuns discussing Christ but then you blink and realize it's actually a five-guy circle jerk.

Alanna Strange picks up Ivy at a club in a way different than the way that every fanboy just read the beginning of that sentence. Batgirl is after Ivy but Alanna pops in, promises to get Ivy clear if she helps the Justice League, and then pops out.

Equinox rescues Jason Blood from a bunch of mummies and he agrees to help her. He also strokes her ego a bit by already knowing who she is. That's pretty good, Blood! I could barely remember how to spell her name! Although it is Miiyahbin which isn't exactly the most common name outside of Canada. I bet in Canada, Miiyahbin is the equivalent of Brittany.

Justice League United lost Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Green Arrow. That's too bad because Green Arrow and Animal Man were becoming the next Abbot and Costello. I guess Supergirl had to leave because she needs to plan for a comic book that won't confuse people coming from the television series this Fall. And Manhunter has his own book to deal with. So now the team is Equinox, Animal Man, Stargirl, Adam Strange, and Alanna Strange. That's not much of a team. Although Adam Strange is now some kind of Doctor Manhattan living up in the Zeta Beam manipulating the universe. And Equinox is possibly as powerful an elemental as Swamp Thing although she lacks experience.

The entire team winds up in Lake Erie battling big red blobs of protoplasmic goo that come from a huge island of protoplasmic red goo which doesn't belong in our space and time. The team walk around on it until it swallows the Swamp Thing and everybody shits their pants.

Justice League United #11 Rating: +2 Ranking. The good: Jeff Parker is trying to give this team a reason for its existence aside from a bunch of heroes accidentally bumping into each other in Moose Creek and saying, "Yo! Let's team up! Holla!" The bad: I don't know what the bad is. Is there any bad? This thing is much better than Lemire's time travel story whose only purpose was to make Brainiac think, "I hope I didn't lose my relationship with Supergirl that I already had because I changed the past!" Oh wait! I know what could potentially be the bad depending on how Parker uses it! Adam Strange in his new role as the guy who moves the plot along by mystically knowing things that the characters have no other way of knowing which would keep them from ever doing anything (unless, I guess, they turned their television to Channel 52 News which is constantly telling characters exactly what they need to know at just the right time). This is a perfect place for new readers to hop on or for old readers that dropped the book to maybe give it another chance.

Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Animal Man #29

When will The Bakers be allowed to live happily ever after?

I'm tired of death and the destruction of the universe being the bars by which we judge the tribulations in a super hero's life. Why can't they battle and rage against the daily downturns which make life truly difficult for the rest of us? Like when I hit the McDonald's drive-thru at three in the morning for a one dollar iced tea and they're out of iced tea because they're assholes? And what do I do when I find out that information but now I'm stuck behind other cars in the drive-thru!? Even if I could get out of this entanglement, where do I go to get cheap, shitty tea now?! At least McDonald's Ice Tea is just $1 for a giant tankard of it. Every place else charges over two dollars! For tea that was probably brewed hours ago, sitting and steeping in an atmosphere thick with meat particles and the disdain and contempt of fast food employees! I can accept tea that tastes like the bottom of a 1970s car ashtray or the horse's side of a leather saddle if it cost one dollar and is nice and cold. But anything more than a dollar is an outrageous affront to usury laws! I think. Probably not. But it might as well be! So change the definition of usury until my complaint makes sense, you assholes in Washington! Always keeping me down with proper definitions of usury laws.

That may have turned into an inconsequential rant about the inability to find drinkable iced tea at three in the morning and distracted you from the original point, so let me get back to the crux of that point: why does DC feel everything has to be so grim to be interesting? Let's look at last week's comics as examples.

Justice League of America: Stargirl dealing with the death of her brother while her cohorts are trapped inside a Slash Fiction Matrix. I think the message was supposed to be a bit uplifting in that Stargirl is full of hope and youthful passion and how her parents accepted her choice to become a super hero because they believe in her goodness. But it's still kind of a downer seeing as how her brother died and the world is falling apart.

Green Lantern Corps: The entire universe is once again threatened as the Corps has been misrepresented, leading to a universal uprising against them. So, once again, the Lanterns are teetering on universal destruction. Although this cosmic crisis might be more of an "I can't get good iced tea in the wee hours" level of crisis for these assholes.

Batgirl: A little girl was murdered and turned into a vampire and then murdered again as a vampire. Fun!

Nightwing: This issue was a great, uplifting, kind of seriously revisionist look at Nightwing and who he is. Great stuff! But it centered around a little girl's parents being murdered by Zsasz. Sad face reverse smiley smoking gun. Hmm, Gina from Brooklyn 99 is right! Speaking in emojis really improves language!

Constantine: While the world falls apart around his ears, Constantine kills an old friend and lover just before plummeting into Hell. Good times!

Superboy: Joke-El, the new Superboy, is recruiting a new Twisted Legion of Super Knock-offs to kill all super humans and enslave all of space and time. Full of super warm fuzzies! On a good note, he's looking to kill Harvest. I'd say that's a shining city on a hill positive beacon of special hugs.

Batman: A story about the beginning of The Riddler's career and how he may have amassed a larger body count in his opening gambits than The Joker has across his entire career. Lots of death and destruction and Batman weeping into his Grimdark Cereal with Marshmallow Bats.

Justice League 3000: This comic definitely has an upbeat, goofy vibe to it but let me provide a closer examination to what's really going on in this thing: civilians' identities are being erased so that Justice League 3000 members can be created and recreated. So it's basically a comic book about eugenics experiments during a backdrop of war and universal rebellion.

Ms. Marvel: Okay, this isn't a DC Comic book. But guess what? That's why it's not dealing with death and destruction! This is just the story of a teenaged girl trying to figure out who she is as she's caught in a tug of war between her private life of her parents' traditional values and her public life amid the devil-may-care American culture she's surrounded by. So far no death and destruction although that Terigen Fog was kind of weird.

Suicide Squad: The entire story revolves around the toilet. It also has "suicide" in its name. Two characters apparently die while the rest are once again subjugated and forced into service by Amanda Waller. Also the world is still falling apart over here! But really, I'd be an idiot to expect anything less than death and destruction in a series called Suicide Squad! Although Giffen did attempt that over a decade ago. People didn't respond well. I liked it though!

Harley Quinn: Harley has a bit of trouble fitting in to her two new jobs as she gets caught up in murder, kidnapping, and a serious hit and run. Even with all that violence, this one has a fun attitude and isn't grim at all! Go figure!

Pandora: More end of the world shenanigans. Nobody whining about iced tea or blisters on their toes. Lots of mystical mumbo jumbo. It wasn't really grim but it wasn't really much of anything. Just a lot of Felix Faust screaming about the length of his dick.

Maybe I should just do mini-reviews like these and stop with all the lengthy commentaries! Holy fuck! I could get my life back! I'll think about it. Until then, on to Animal Man!

Just as Ellen was beginning to accept this crazy, wacky family, Buddy changes it all up again!

I'm sad that Maxine won't get to be Animal Girl anymore. I bet she'll be sad too! Her father just brokered a deal to remove her powers and take her friend Socks away from her! He'd better not return home empty handed. He needs to find a gift for her and that gift had better be Cliffy! Although I was just coming to terms with his death so that my throw my emotional equilibrium out of whack if he suddenly gets to live again.

Ellen seems happy with the deal. Her daughter is safe now. Buddy can still be a superhero but he's got to go back to their original agreement that he keeps the crazy, dangerous stuff away from the family. Because he had so much control over keeping up his end of that deal before! Maxine seems okay with not having any more Animal Powers. At least for now. When her father comes in to check on her, she seems worried about him and decides to tell him a story about a princess and her father in Lemireland.

Maxine's story about working her way through the grief over the loss of her brother.

Maxine's story is that bullshit story parents tell their children so they don't have to actually explain the horror of the brevity of existence. Cliff may be dead but he's happy somewhere else. And one day when Maxine is lucky enough to die, she'll finally get to see him again in the happiest place ever! Hooray for the greatest fable of all: the continuance of the ego! It makes grief palatable!

After the story, Buddy says goodnight to Ellen and Maxine and a spider. He also catches and releases a spider which is the most important lesson of all here! You don't have to be afraid and death does not have to be the response to fear even if you do! I won't pretend that the spider might somehow be Cliff because that's too easy a response to how this ends. Death and fear are far more complicated than believing that your personality somehow transcends the limit of your organic shell, either by becoming an incorporeal being that resides in paradise or resurrects as another life form here on Earth. Seeing those as answers is merely looking at the question through a desire to retain ones sense of self. The true power in Buddy's freeing the spider from the home and setting it free is in his acceptance of letting Cliff go. He's releasing him from the confines of the family's need for him. The freeing of the spider is a symbolic act which shows one does not have to be ruled by death and fear. It is also respect for the existence of ego, no matter how small that ego may be. Crushing a spider ends the universe. At least from the spider's point of view. To do so out of carelessness and fear is to disrespect that which the great gift we have in common with it: a spectacularly brief existence. Who are we to make that existence any briefer?

Animal Man #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's always nice to see Lemire put on the penciller's cap. And it was nice to see the family come together in acceptance of all that has come before rather than trying to deny any part of it. Maxine tells a nice story, even if I don't buy into the idea that Cliff still exists somehow, somewhere. I also don't believe in elves but I can still enjoy Middle Earth.

Animal Man Annual #2

No wonder my life is in shambles! I can't stop my impulse to photoshop no matter how much time it's going to waste!

Just to keep my nerd cred highly polished, I feel I must point out that that is my Queen of the Demonweb Pits I scanned. One owner. Probably purchased at Kiddie World in San Jose many, many years ago. I bet that toy store had no idea they were turning kids on to Satan! The first time I played Dungeons and Dragons was in my Gifted and Talented Education class in fifth grade in Haman Elementary. My cousin had received the Basic Boxed Set for Christmas but nobody wanted to read the rules to figure out how to play. So once I experienced the game as a player, I was convinced I knew how to play! I was the Dungeon Master for many long years as we slowly learned how to play instead of making up most of the rules. Once we mostly learned how to play, we lost interest in Dungeons and Dragons. We moved on to Boot Hill and Top Secret and Gamma World for a few years before settling down mostly with Warhammer.

Now I'm going to resist reading Dungeon Module Q1 and pretending it's Animal Man Annual #2 and simply read Animal Man #2! I'm taking back control of my life right here and now, whether it's entertaining or not!

The Animal Man Annual begins by telling the story I was hoping Lemire would tell. Buddy Baker depressed and lonely and drinking himself into oblivion in a seedy motel. It's super cheerful and just the kind of shit I love to read in comic books! I'm not sure DC should be allowed to call their products "comic books" anymore. I'm going to sue them so that they have to switch to the term "tragic books." And they can't call them "funny books" anymore either! They'll have to call them "Not Funny Ha-ha but Funny Sad Books."

Once Buddy gets too drunk and too sad, he flashes back to four years previously when he was battling a Cyber Werewolf.

Oh great. It looks like Green Arrow is here too.

Detective Krenshaw (this was before he got eaten by The Three Hunters) fills Animal Man in on the situation. The creature's name is Biowulf because he's super clever and shit. The arrow in his back seems to be left over from his battle with Green Arrow earlier in the week. Which, it may not surprise anybody, he won! But he obviously didn't kill Green Arrow because he wound up taking my New 52 innocence by teaching me that some of DC's Comic Books were going to suck super big time. Especially when they were written by J.T. Krul! I long for my younger days when J.T. Krul's inability to keep himself and his stupid opinions out of his characterization were the only things causing me to flip the fuck out. Long before I discovered my true nemesis, Scott Lobdell. J.T. Krul was just the minor boss villain, easily defeated. I took him down and kicked him out of the DC Universe with my bad ass name calling skills! But Scott Lobdell has proven to be a worthy foe. He enjoys his Superman money far too much to be driven out as easily as Krul was. I'll have to think up some new tactics during The New 52's third year.

Biowulf winds up being Animal Man's J.T. Krul because he puts him down in just a few panels. Biowulf isn't why Animal Man decided to do some remembering anyway after he saw a spider. I don't know what those two things have to do with each other but that's what happened! He's remembering this day because of the time he spent with Cliff. And maybe because on this day four years in the past, he and Cliff battled the Spider Queen! Maybe they just played some Dungeons and Dragons and battled Lolth!

"Make a shaving Throw Vershush Poishon or be enshnared forever in the Abysh ash a tashty morshel for Lolsh!"

On the way home, Buddy and Cliff run into a neighborhood filled with spider webs. While Buddy takes a moment to hallucinate, Cliff and all of the police officers are taken by the spiders. As he heads into the sewers to rescue his boy, he gets a call from Ellen that she's about to give birth to Maxine.

Maybe I was too quick to judge this comic book as a tragedy! It's got all the hallmarks of sitcom! The immature father figure that loses one of the children while playing super hero. The working and responsible wife whose water has just broken and is about to have a baby. The hilarious chaos of trying to get the mother-to-be to the hospital without her finding out that the husband lost their other child. DC should have inserted one of those chips that makes music when you turn the page except filled it with different versions of laugh tracks.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

The next scene is pretty funny too because Animal Man tries to channel a shark's power and then his head almost explodes from some psychic energy blasting away at him. He should be channeling spider power so he can speak with them and find out what they want. He spoke to a rat earlier. But I guess Buddy is just like all the other heroes. Punch first, engage in intellectually stimulating debate never.

The spiders manage to convince Buddy to follow them and they lead him to The Pregnant Spider Queen! Uh oh! How is Buddy going to explain to his wife that he was off helping another woman deliver her baby? Whoops! I think this issue will end with a "WAH WAH" sound effect with Buddy raising his hands in a "What could I do?" gesture and Ellen saying, "That's our Animal Man!"

Once Buddy sees the Spider Queen is pregnant, he realizes he can't win this battle like he usually does. Because you can't be a super hero and have the headline read, "Animal Man Beats the Shit Out of Pregnant Woman and Steals Her Food." That's the type of true story the media love! One where they never actually lie but they suck the inherent truthfulness out of the story completely. Fuck you, media! You want to know why people trust bloggers and the internet more than newspapers and television news channels? Because you all suck corporate and government dick, that's why! Out here in the Borderlands of the Blogosphere, we don't owe anybody anything! Except maybe hilariously captioned pictures of rabbits in business attire. Or ferrets in Victorian dresses. And even if the local news is always trying to steal the internet's thunder by showing viral videos and cute pictures, they always do so on their own terms at the end of the night. Nobody is going to sit through your awful banter just to get to the internet stuff. You know why? Because we all have the internet! Besides, the local news are always weeks behind the current memes!

So Buddy talks the Spider Queen into leaving people and their dreams alone. She's allowed to keep the dreams she collected today but after that, she can only catch the dreams of cats and rats and horses and other animals. She's very reasonable. Although I find it extremely creepy that Buddy just leaves these giant spiders and their dream sucking mother in the city's sewer system.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

After Buddy meets his new baby girl, he heads back to move Anansa out of the sewers or else he'd never get another restful night of sleep knowing a giant pregnant spider lady was roaming the sewers underneath his suburb. And back to the future or present or whatever, he decides to pay Anansa and her children a visit. Probably to learn what Cliff's dream was that he found so exciting but he couldn't remember because Buddy let Anansa keep it.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

And so... he dreamed the dream again... for one last time. It didn't matter that there was no flying ... or Dungeons and Dragons Modules ... or Cliff. The Spider Queen saw Cliff. He did not. He saw nothing but the death of hope. And the loss of his son. And so he dreamed the dream until the sun began to set... and all the monsters were dead.

Animal Man Annual #2 Rating: The Great Hall gives it three birds that say, "Birds can't talk!"