The Outsider! (as seen in Trinity War)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Alfred Pennyworth
Occupation: Attempted Murderer [For fuck's sake. That's not an occupation! What next? Attempted Plumber? Attempted Doctor? Attempted Babysitter?]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Julia Pennyworth (possible daughter) [Oh Alfred! You scandalous man you!]
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #356 (First Manifestation: DETECTIVE COMICS #334)
Height: 6'6" Weight: 225 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None

HISTORY
When Alfred Pennyworth, butler to Bruce Wayne and confidant of Batman (see Batman II) and Robin (see Nightwing), learned that his friends had been captured by gangsters and condemned to death, he succeeded in saving them, but lost his own life in the process. Later, however, it was found that Alfred was not dead, but had been discovered, in a death-like trance, by a scientist [Who probably couldn't leave well enough alone, judging by the picture. Fucking amoral scientists!]. In an attempt to revive Alfred, the scientist subjected Alfred to the rays of an experimental machine that, to his surprise, not only revived Alfred, but transformed him into another being with a bizarre appearance and great mental powers. Calling himself The Outsider, because "I am outside the human race," the transformed Alfred now wished to kill Batman and Robin, rather than aid them. To this end, he made several attempts to slay the Dynamic Duo over the next few months, each of which ended in failure. He finally confronted his foes in person, which resulted in his defeat and his transformation back to Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred retains no memory of his role as The Outsider, and Batman has kept from him the knowledge that the transformation has ever taken place, feeling that the news of Alfred's treachery might kill him, even though he is not responsible for his evil alter ego's actions. Alfred has since been transformed back to The Outsider several times.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Outsider's powers are psionic in nature, enabling him at assume telekinetic control over anything he touches, as well as permitting him to transmute matter, affect teleportation over limited distances, and communicate telepathically. His advanced brain is also capable of mastering scientific principles that today's savants cannot begin to comprehend.

Justice League #23

How did Aquaman beat The Flash to Pandora's Box? Fucking bullshit!

Last issue, The Purple People Leader lured Constantine and Batman and a bunch of other people into a room with Madame Xanadu and Pandora's Box. And then he revealed the truly horrible secret that he's been keeping from everybody: the Box is actually a portal! Holy Fuck! No way! That's...well, that's a minor turn of events, I guess. I suppose the doorway opens into his devastated Earth in his devastated dimension. And that dimension is...Villains Month! Or something. I don't know. You should really read the comic book because all you're going to get from me are penis and vagina jokes.

Like my reaction to the end of last issue: "I can't believe John Constantine cocked up Pandora's Box!"

This issue begins with the Purple People Leader telling everybody his origin. He just couldn't fucking resist, you know? He's been ready to burst for months and he finally has Batman and a bunch of other heroes all in a position where they're curious enough to listen to him blabber. And, of course, he begins at the beginning when he crossed worlds with The Joker's Daughter during Darkseid's attack. I'm just making a guess because if The Purple People Leader is Evil Alfred Pennyworth and his Master that he's trying to save is Evil Batman, then the woman that came with him is probably Evil Batgirl. And since Joker's Daughter has not been talked about anywhere except that stupid Channel 52 in the back of every comic, I'm guessing she's part of the Trinity War reveal. Although they've also put her in Gotham's Underground, so it might just be another one of Ann Nocenti's brilliant ideas.

Madness! I suppose Good is Evil and Evil is Good! And Up is Down and Down is Up! And Black is White and White is Black! And Inside is Outside and Outside is Inside! And Cocks are Pussies and Pussies are Cocks! But North is still North and South is still South, so that's kind of weird.

It turns out The Purple People Leader may just be dictating his story to himself which seems a bit of a waste. How are the heroes going to know what a huge genius he was? If he doesn't tell them, nobody else will! What a fool.

Every hero that has made an appearance in this book up until now gathers at the location that Pandora first found her Box. She knows this because fuck you.

Who's laughing at Spiderman's Spidey Sense now?! "Something's not right! My 'Vibe' Headache is pounding!"

And then suddenly everyone is corrupted! Except they're a bunch of stupid idiots who allow the corruption to turn to violence. Why doesn't the place turn into a sexual frenzy? Sure, it can end in some kind of Bacchanal frenzy where people begin ripping each others throats out with their teeth. But at least we'd get to see some ass, dong, and titties while it happened. Bah. It's just too much to ask for this bunch of prudes. Although I still think Batman and Catwoman might get in a bit of hardcore anal in the middle of it all. John Constantine is the only one not completely losing his mind because he lost his fucking soul years ago. He's immune to Charm Spells.

It's just another scrimmage for Pandora's Box for a few pages. Although by the time they get to the second double splash page, I notice Mera has made the party. Welcome to the Fun House, darling! While she and Wonder Woman punch each other in the tits, The Flash and Catwoman get up to some interesting games.

Foreplay or is The Flash just sandbagging this fight? Seriously. The Flash versus Catwoman? Barry, you're not even fucking trying.

And then it turns out Mera isn't actually here either. It's Martian Manhunter in disguise. Why as Mera? Well fuck, only one thing I can think of. He was trying to get some Aquadick.

Superman turns out to be a Super Jealous Bastard who thinks that Wonder Woman is cuckolding him with every single hero on Earth. While I have no evidence that this isn't true, I'm fairly certain Wonder Woman has been a bit too busy fighting Gods to be banging Batman and Steve Trevor on the side. And possibly Deadman. And both teenagers inside of Firestorm. And Martian Manhunter's "The Orifice Filler" form. And Cyborg with his...no, not Cyborg. I don't think his penis survived and there's no way his father created a cyber cock for him. Although it could be like his face! Half flesh and half titanium.

For some reason, Pandora's Box goes silent and everybody has time to gather around Superman to find out why he's so sick. And that's when the Secret Society's mole decides to spill the beans instead of letting them wonder what the fuck was going on and silently slinking out the back door.

I bet she works for Aquaman! I fucking knew Aquaman was the mole! God, I hate him!

It's a good thing it was established early on during Despero's attack that telepathy is hard to do on tiny people. For, you know, reasons that are too super scientific and complicated for the general comic book reader to fathom. So that explains why Martian Manhunter never knew that The Atom was working for Aquaman. And Aquaman has his own telepathy, so he's pretty good at blocking other telepaths!

Except surprisingly, it isn't Aquaman she's working with! Clever, Geoff Johns. You make all the evidence point to Aquaman and then flip the script and make the other mole Cyborg! Who would have thought the two minorities on the team were the bad guys? I suppose the only thing that saved Simon Baz from being a traitor is people would have been upset at the terrorist caricature! I was so convinced that it was Aquaman because he's so fucking boring! And his powers are inane in almost every situation! Sure, sure. A bullet or two will just bounce right of his face. Big deal! He's still just a fish-talker! Yes, I said it! Fish-talker! The worst Atlantean racial slur somebody can invoke! He's just a fucking Swimmer! A no good Water Breather! A lousy Dolphin Fucker! He's just a...um, oh, uh, Cyborg! Remember Cyborg? He's an inadvertent mole!

Oh God! I can't watch! Somebody tell me what happens to his penis!

Cyborg's robot half decides to shed the flesh and then names itself Grid. That just shows it's still being somewhat influenced by Victor Stone's football hero identity! Why else would it choose an ambiguous name like Grid?! Grid helps The Purple People Leader recover Pandora's Box which, he explains, is just another kind of Mother Box. And then he reveals that his homeworld was the birthplace of evil (which, of course, is good) and that he's actually a butler (which, of course, means he's a wealthy land owner). And all of these revelations are marred by just one typo! Nicely done, editors!

And then a figure walks through the portal:

I knew that Coral Fondler was behind it all! Although this one is so much cooler. This is one is all Peter David cool.

Too bad Evil Aquaman falls over dead in the next panel. But what do you expect? He was only Aquaman! Even if he was pure evil! He was still just Aquaman!

Who here has a feeling Ultraman and Owlman are next to step through that fucking portal? Everyone? Yeah? Okay then! Let's finish this!

And there they are in a big double page spread that I can't scan completely so I'll scan the next best thing!

Not Pictured: Stormfire Deathstorm.

Madame Xanadu is the worst. She didn't see these guys walking over in her vision? Just all sorts of chaos and destruction? Get a real job, jerk.

Turns out The Atom was the female that came over with Alfred the Purple People Leader and that she's fucking Johnny Quick. Not that she fucks him fast. That's just his last name. Quick. And Owlman is Thomas Wayne, the brother Batman doesn't quite want to believe in. I think his Earth Prime counterpart still exists in some kind of Owlman form over here in Scott Snyder's Batman too. I'm not sure why Power Ring has a butterfly on his chest. Perhaps it has to do with metamorphosis. Or maybe he commands the power of light silk. Superwoman has brought with her a prisoner in a hood. I suppose that must be Lex Luthor, the nicest, most philanthropic guy on Earth Three. Which makes him wicked evil. Or something. Charity is frowned upon on Earth Three so he's probably really charitable. He also probably doesn't molest small children. The pervert.

And that's it for the Trinity War as it leads into Forever Evil, just another fucking title I have to read. Although one I'm really looking forward to! Yay bad guys!

Justice League #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. Love the Crime Syndicate's appearance and the death of Aquaman even if it was only the Aquaman from Earth Three. I think Trinity War could have been told across just Justice League and Justice League of America. It really could have been a four issue mini-series and the magic guys didn't really need to play a part. Although I like having them along! Just saying the pacing seemed a bit extended merely to fit in all three titles across both months.

Pandora #3

Problem solved! Crossover over!

I almost read Justice League Dark #23 first and then I checked Aquaman #21 for the Trinity War advert and saw that this comic book was next in line! Crisis averted! Or adverted, technically!

I bet I would have been so confused if I'd read Justice League Dark first. No, I'm lying. I have a feeling that this comic book and Justice League Dark #23 aren't going to have a lot of plot movement. And then everything will rush to the conclusion in Justice League #23. Which, according to the ad for Villains Month in this weeks comic books, everybody dies! Thanks for spoiling things, you stupid jackasses! Companies seriously need to figure out how to advertise their entertainment products without spoiling the stories within. Every single person that makes trailers for movies or commercials for television shows or static ads for books and comic books should study the trailer for In Bruges. Now that's a fantastic trailer for one of my all time favorite movies. The trailer interested me in a movie I hadn't heard about and yet doesn't spoil the true nature and beauty of the film. I should probably move on to spoiling Pandora before I spoil In Bruges.

This month, Pandora's story begins in 1330 CE on Mount Song with somebody asking the question, "What is evil?"

This reminds me of a story! My friend Doom Bunny's daughter, Doom Bunnette, had an imaginary brother she named Song. After some time had passed, he asked her about Song since he hadn't heard about Song in awhile. Doom Bunnette informed her father that Song was dead. Her new imaginary friend, Frank, took Song into his secret basement and killed him. Some time later, their neighbor's house caught fire and afterwards, Doom Bunnette came up to Doom Bunny and informed him that Frank had pictures of the fire. I'm fairly certain that Frank is the ghost of an evil serial killer. Doom Bunny appeases Frank every year by throwing a huge party for his birthday. I told him to get a Ouija Board for the last one, which he did, but I don't think he convinced anybody to use it. He's not very good at doing non-normative things. If it's an adult party, you drink and talk about sports and your job and drink some more and maybe play some Rock Band if everybody decides to let their hair down. At one point, Doom Bunnette actually told her father that Frank was dead until she found out that Doom Bunny was going to throw a party for him and there would be cake. So she said, "He's not dead!" and the evil was brought back into the house. Who can blame her? Cake!

At the end of some Trinity War issue or tie-in, Pandora tried to give her box to Lex Luthor. But Wonder Woman interrupted and grabbed it herself. She then went a little bit bat shit insane. But when that all happened, Black Adam was not in the cell with Lex Luthor and now he is! So am I reading these things out of order or what? Oh fuck it. Whatever. I'll just soldier on!

Or maybe not! Black Adam didn't have Pandora's Box when I last left off with The Trinity War! I guess I'll switch over to Justice League Dark #23 now!

Okay! I'm back! And as everybody knows, it wasn't Black Adam at all but Shazam gone corrupt. Anyway, this scene shouldn't last long since Constantine scarpers with the Box and Zatanna.

After Pandora learned a stupid Eastern definition of evil which actually sounds more like ignorance or stubbornness, she wanders for two hundred years until she trains with an ancient Oliver Queen like-a-look. It's 1594 so it's probably Francis Bacon or William Shakespeare or Queen Elizabeth. She's still trying to learn the nature of evil while also learning how to kick ass.

I'm fairly certain that "Adalger" was Queen Elizabeth's first name.

Enough with the stupid evil questions. Nobody allows evil to exist. Evil only exists once a creature becomes sentient enough to think abstractly. Sentient creatures project evil or cruelty onto the world around them. Evil is a judgment call. If I kill a person because that person was attacking me and I was fighting for my life, most people wouldn't think of that as evil. If a person is hoarding a bunch of food and me and my family are starving, I can kill that person and it's not evil. Some people may see it as evil; others might not. It all depends on the actions and the situation. It depends on who is hurt and why. I don't even like the term "evil" because many people immediately picture some vast, nebulous thing that possesses and affects a person's rational mind. I definitely never mean "evil" in the sense of Satan or demons or devil or some kind of cloud or web of influence that causes people to act irrationally. At the end, I just have to return to my original definition: evil is just a judgment call based on perception, culture, law, empathy, and various other factors. If I were to kick my cat in the face, most people would think I was an evil jerk. But you don't know what a dick my cat can be!

But then Pandora is in a comic book where she released seven manifestations of despicable character traits that revel in the misery of mankind, so I should cut her some slack on her quest for understanding evil.

Back to Pandora's quest, she visits a Druid or Child Eating Witch in Flensburg in 1703 CE.

In a couple of centuries, I hope she visits the Lutz family to find out what they think of evil!

Lehrer actually comes fairly close to pointing out to Pandora that evil is in the eye of the judgmental dick-face, but instead she pulls some bullshit about her pet ghost in her cereal bowl. Why do "wise" people always have to obscure their message behind allegory and analogy and mystic hoodoo? One of my favorite things about The New Testament is how Jesus is always telling allegories to get a point across to his disciples. Yet every fucking time, they look at him quizzically and ask, "What the fuck?" And then he ends up having to drop the story and just tell them what he was trying to say. You'd think he could have found some more intelligent fishermen to back him up.

Meanwhile Special Agents Chang and Kincaid are investigating Pandora's arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. He's in trouble because Pandora has been labeled a super villain and he's helped arm her.

I'm still confused as to why Pandora has been labeled a super villain! Is it because she stole something that belonged to her from ARGUS? I can see ARGUS being pissed about that but why would SHADE care? I guess that's what the investigation is about but aren't law enforcement agents supposed to approach these things as if the person they're looking for is innocent until proven guilty?

Sorry! Sorry! I just made myself spit tea out of my mouth from typing something so fucking ridiculous. Of course they believe she's guilty of trying to kill Superman with her Box! What law enforcement agent doesn't believe the person they're after is guilty? They're all so convinced of their abilities that they're usually willing to shoot to kill without any actual evidence or a trial or any proof at all except a gut feeling. I bet the main thing she's guilty of is wielding guns without being a White Male.

Pandora has been trying to stop the Seven Sins for thousands of years. She's gathered wisdom and fighting techniques across that time. How to defeat them is all locked up in her head but she can't quite put it all together. What she needs is a House moment! She needs to see or experience something that will give her the A-ha Moment where she sees how the pieces of the puzzle all fit together. And it's in the fight in Lex Luthor's cell that she finally has that moment. She finally sees the thing that gives her the knowledge to be able to kill the Seven Sins. This is that moment:

Weird. I just see Frankenstein and Aquaman kissing.

Maybe this is a Rebus Puzzle like in the inside of a Lucky Lager bottle cap! Angry Wedgie + Necrophilia - Big Loser X Skull = Be the Sin? No, no. I don't see it. Perhaps it was seeing Frankenstein who is neither alive nor dead which brings back her lesson about the arrow that is there and not there. And maybe seeing the huge loser Aquaman made her recall the water in the flood she's not supposed to kick. And seeing her anger reflected back at her in Wrath recalled Lehrer's lesson about ghostly cereal. And maybe the entire fight itself made her remember when she learned to make a fist! Whatever the case, it all clicks and she realizes she needs to be consumed by each individual sin in order to interact with that sin. So she embraces her envy of all mankind and their ability to fuck each other which gives her the power to blow Envy's brains out all over Luthor's cell.

And now she's ready to take on the rest! I can't wait until she fights Lust!

Pandora #3 Rating: No change. I often like to compare stories to The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo and how can I not compare this one to that? It's the exact same story! Except for the number of ghosts because thirteen is more than seven. Also there isn't a big fat dog that can kind of talk a little bit.

Justice League Dark #23

Fucking Pandora #3 was giving me spoilers so I ditched it to finish this first!

Here I am! Time to read this book so I can find out how Black Adam gets his hands on Pandora's Box! I saw that when I tried to read Pandora #3 first because The Trinity War advertisements from two months ago listed the Pandora #3 tie-in before Justice League #23. Fuck you, DC! Get it right next time!

Although maybe they don't actually have a way to get it right. I have a feeling that this book is going to spoil some things happening in Pandora #3 and Pandora #3 spoils some stuff in this comic. My first plan was to read this issue anyway since it's the main story. So now I'm back to my initial plan! You can skip all of that stuff you just read because it's just me bitching and moaning about minor spoilers.

What are spoilers anyway? When you read a story, the story eventually spoils itself, right? When you first learn something, it's a surprise, so what's the big deal? Of course, I'd like to be able to know what Trinity War is about before DC tells me that all the heroes are going to die so they can do a Villains Month!

So last chapter, Wonder Woman had gone nuts by touching Pandora's Box while in Lex Luthor's prison cell. Superman and his Super Friends were blown up in ARGUS. And Batman was hanging out in the House of Mystery having tea. And Madame Xanadu was captured by the Purple People Leader and forced to narrate this issue.

The worst psychic ever, you immortal cunt. They went to Heaven and back! Not Hell! Heaven! You're not even fucking close! You got it exactly opposite what really happened!

Madame Xanadu decides to use her far-seeing to watch the Wonder Woman battle taking place. Nobody in that group can defeat Wonder Woman hand-to-hand! Aquaman? Are you kidding? Hawkman? Please! Fist to fist, Wonder Woman has it over those two chumps any day. Frankenstein? Maybe if he was looking to kill, he might have a chance. But his poet's heart is going to make him go easy on her and that'll be the end of him. Black Orchid might stand a chance if any writer had any clue as to what she was or how powerful she could be. But she's still kind of a cypher and I don't see that changing during a huge crossover event. She needs her own story or mini-series to work through who she actually is. Stargirl is too inexperienced. The only person in this entire group that I think could get the Box away from Wonder Woman is Zatanna! Say something backwards, stupid! Don't just stand there! At least try, "Kcus ssel, namauqA!"

Everybody fails in their fight against Wonder Woman but there's still hope to get the Box away from her before she decides she's the next fucking Hera.

Since Black Adam is dead, I think I just figured out what happens! Billy Batson spills black paint on himself!

Oh. No, that doesn't happen. Shazam gets the Box himself and recalibrates into an evil version of himself. Which looks nearly identical to Black Adam. Once Shazam changes form by saying his Magic Word while holding the Skull, every DC Character suddenly comes down with an Alderaan destroyed Obi Wan Kenobi sized headache. The headache also imparted some information to Deadman. He now believes he can find Madame Xanadu.

Surprisingly, everybody caught in the ARGUS explosion survived! Oh, I thought they were all going to die so we could get this Villains Month thing going already. I just hope Scott Lobdell isn't writing the Bizarro issue. If he's writing the Bizarro issue, I'm quitting this whole fucking project!

The Superman gang's story is really boring. They yell at Waller for a bit and then search the rubble for survivors. Who cares? Just fight something already!

Back in Lex Luthor's prison cell, Frankenstein suddenly doesn't have to hold back now that a male (and a bratty one at that) has Pandora's Box. Time to go full Monster on this fucker!

That's my boy!

Frankenstein also succumbs to the power of the Box but by this point, everybody is flipping the fuck out. Zatanna finally casts a fucking spell that protects her and Pandora and Stargirl from the Box's corrupting influence. Which allows her to begin helping out instead of just standing around looking adorable.

Hurry! Make Aquaman interesting while you're casting spells!

Well that spell should work for a few seconds.

With all of these splash pages, I'm surprised I'm still reading this thing. I should have been through with it twenty minutes ago! It's not like I'm saying anything interesting about it!

For the majority of this battle, I was rooting for Frankenstein because the rest of these people are twats. Well, not Black Orchid but she seriously needs a mini-series or something before I can fully get back into loving her. And I adore Wonder Woman in her own title but not this one that's been making out with Superman. But Frankenstein is the coolest corpse in the room until my real main man shows up! Not Lobo. Although I'd root for Lobo! No, this time it's just John Constantine.

I guess Papa Midnite did a pretty fantastic healing job on him.

At this point, I'm not even sure the Constantine Tie-in should have been written. That issue should have just had them stop in somewhere for Frozen Yogurt while Constantine warns Billy about the Skull, Billy says, "Stuff it, old man," and then they go their separate ways to end up here. It would have been just as effective!

John and Zatanna end up in Greece because that's where the Skull decided to bring them, outside the Temple of Hephaestus. They discover that Madame Xanadu has been imprisoned in a bunker beneath the site. And then Batman and his gang arrive! Hopefully nobody decides to punch anybody else in the face simply because that's standard operating procedure! For once violence doesn't erupt and everybody decides to listen to Madame Xanadu who explains that Pandora's Box is not a prison but a doorway.

Oh yeah. That's obviously an evil Alfred from another Earth. And that Earth is probably Villain Earth, right? Which is where Pandora's Door leads. Which is why Seven Aspects of Evil came through the Doorway already long ago.

Justice League Dark #23 Rating: No change. I suppose if everybody on the internet has already guessed that this is an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth than DC is going to have to change this from being an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth! Just like they fucked up Monarch with the Hawk twist when it was so obviously Captain Atom! Stupid fucking DC. And just like Lost changed direction after everybody guessed that the island was Purgatory and everybody was already dead. Fucking writers. Stop reading what people write on the internets and just tell your stupid goddamn stories.

Justice League of America #7

You'd better make that single arrow count, Oliver!

I currently have a summer cold because I dared to walk amongst you filthy, virulent, disease-ridden organisms last week. So I've been sucking on some Halls Cough Drops things because they keep me from continuously coughing which is a nice change of pace from continuously coughing. The cough drop wrappers have "A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP" (with a trademark symbol on that cleverest of clever sayings just in case you were thinking of stealing it for use with your semen or breast milk or something). They are the stupidest, most trite, ridiculous "PEP TALKS" that any middle management unimaginative suit and tie could come up with. Of course I'm going to share some with you!

"Don't wait to get started." Nope. You wouldn't want to look like a giant ass lazy fuck. This is America! Get off the couch and hit the bricks, Capitalist!

"You've survived tougher." Well I fucking hope so! If I die from an illness for which my main medication is sweetened candy lozenges, I fucking didn't deserve to live.

"Get back in the game." Here's a little sneak peek at America, all you foreigny foreigners: We treat everything as if it's a sport. If a sports analogy doesn't exist for a situation, that situation can't possibly exist. Everything in America is a competition and the longer I sit at home sucking on Hall's Lozenges being a weak twerp, the further back I'm getting in the race! I'm being left behind because I'm a weak piece of shit!

"Hi-five yourself." *slap* You know what? I feel better already! I'm pumped up now! Everything is awesome! Well, everything would be if I wasn't so fucking pissed off at this wrapper and the assholes who wrote it! "Hi-five"? It's HIGH FIVE, you stupid candy medicine monkeys!

"Turn 'can do' into 'can did!'" At first I just thought whoever penned these was reluctant to put an exclamation point on the sayings because they knew sick people would be reading them and who wants to read aphorisms in an overly enthusiastic voice when snot is streaming from their face holes. But now that I've found this one with an exclamation point, I can't help but read the others in a depressed voice. "Oh, I suppose you've survived tougher." "Hi-five yourself although I don't know what good that will do you."

"Don't try harder. Do harder!" Oh, I guess some of these have pickup lines on them too!

"The show must go on. Or work." What the fuck does that one even mean?! "Hey, you know, you've eaten pretty nearly a whole bag of these while away from your job for a few days and, well, don't you think maybe you should get back to work? America can't run itself, you know? Busy busy busy!"

And, of course, "Seize the day." With just a period, of course. They don't want you going fucking crazy while using the verb "seize"!

This issue opens with a gaggle of Lawyers telling Lex Luthor that he's about to become a free man. I suppose this shit will be explained more later but even if it isn't, does it really matter? It's not like DC has explained why Lex Luthor is in prison in the first place. Or what happened to his face.

Did they? Maybe I missed it in a mini-series I didn't read or something.

Anyway, Lex Luthor fires them all because, I suspect, Lex doesn't actually want to be free from the prison he created for himself. Because he can escape any time he wants, having made the place with his own designs. And he's living a nice, safe life of luxury behind his prison walls.

But then this bitch has got to come ruin his good times. "Touch my box! Touch my box!" Get the fuck out of here with that ratchet shit!

While Lex Luthor contemplates his conjugal visitor, Plastique is busy shoving coins onto Doctor Light's corpse. The Purple People Leader says something about Doctor Light's metamorphosis but whatever's going to happen, it'll have to happen without Doctor Light's soul because it's all cozy and secure in Heaven's Foyer.

And elsewhere, Doctor Psycho is doing truly psychotic things instead of acting like Superboy's bumbling sidekick.

I refuse to believe Lobdell's Doctor Psycho is the actual Doctor Psycho. I think it's just a hypnotized eight year old with delusions of being a well-written character.

I get the feeling that the comic books Superman, Superboy, and Action Comics aren't currently in The New 52 continuity. Eventually Lobdell will leave DC and everything he wrote will be ignored by the writers that come after. Because it's all shit.

The Justice League of America and Superman and some other members of the Justice League need some answers from Doctor Psycho because he was in Khandaq when Superman killed Doctor Light. So everybody believes he probably had something to do with it. Because he's a psionic. And he, you know, calls himself Doctor Psycho. But whatever Martian Manhunter learns will have to wait because the scene shifts to The House of Mystery where the rest of the crew is hanging out waiting for Batman to return from Heaven. Which he eventually does. And that's that for that scene. Personally, I don't think it should have interrupted the Doctor Psycho scene since it didn't really reveal much. Except maybe that The House of Mystery has a major woody for Catwoman.

The Atom cracks under Martian Manhunter's interrogation of Doctor Psycho.

So now the cats are all out of the bag and eating everybody's food. And Element Woman, who isn't always in a very good space, is emotionally wounded that her friend The Atom lied to her. But she'll feel better when Metamorpho turns up since the Free Comic Book Day Comic mentioned somebody stealing the Orb of Ra from the Black Room. So he's out there somewhere! And any appearance he may or may not have made in Batman Incorporated doesn't count because that comic book exists in a hazy place in The New 52 continuity.

With The Atom's revelations, Superman decides it's time to intimidate Amanda Waller. I hope she gets demoted down to Head of, and Only Head of, Task Force X.

Back to Lex Luthor's cell, Wonder Woman and her crew interrupt before Luthor can finger Pandora's Box. I really can't wait for the Trinity War to be over so I can stop repeating, over and over and over, double entendres about her stupid box. Even I'm sick of them! And I don't get sick of listening to myself very often

How the hell did they get in here? Fucking comic books.

Wonder Woman takes the box and becomes possessed by it, growing an eye in the middle of her tiara and a sword chained to her left arm. Batman and the others learn that The Phantom Stranger has been killed although who the fuck really cares. None of them really needed him anyway. And Superman and his Super Friends return to Amanda Waller which is when Plastique's Doctor Light bomb goes off. Which means it won't have killed Martian Manhunter or Superman or Element Woman or Firestorm or Cyborg although since it's a bomb, Green Arrow might be dead next issue! Right? No? Yeah, probably not.

Justice League of America #7 Rating: No change. So far it feels like this Trinity War could have been finished in two issues of the Justice League. These interim issues don't really feel like the plot is moving forward much. And there are so many heroes involved, nobody gets any real time to shine and there's no real feel for any of the characters. After playing this shit up since The New 52 began, it had better have a tremendous payoff!

Constantine #5

After I did the preview scan of this cover, I had to take it out of the scanner to look at the colors to make sure my scanner wasn't set to grayscale with trace amounts of red. That is so a setting!

This issue begins after this panel, one of the creepiest panels so far in The New 52:

It's creepy if you look at it in the right way!

A strange man in a trench coat lures a young boy away into the dark with vague promises? Come on! That's disturbing! It's really going to color the way I read this issue. Constantine wants something from this boy and he's going to take it no matter what the cost. I think this might be one of those analogies or cautionary tales for young, rebellious boys.

John leads Shazam out of the House of Mystery and into a bar in New York, a fitting place to corrupt a minor. John manages to convince Billy Batson to take off his uniform and then John shows him his monkey. He then handcuffs Billy to the bar and takes what he came for.

Remember, kids! If a strange man tells you that your family is in danger, don't believe him! Also, you probably shouldn't be reading this if you're a kid. I say things like "cunt" and "fuck" a lot and I wouldn't want to be thought of as a corrupter of the youth! Except if you are a kid and you are reading this, how is it my fault? Your parents should be keeping a better eye on you. Hey, kids! You want to learn some things about your parents that they probably don't want you to know? Go through their things the next time they leave you alone in the house! Don't worry about getting caught as long as you put everything back where it was! Parents develop this kind of mental block where they forget that their children are individuals with their own wants and desires. They think that telling you to stay out of their shit actually means something. It doesn't! They only say that because they went through their parents stuff too! They know at a visceral level that you're going to go through their things. But they convince themselves that you won't because they so desperately need to believe that you'll respect their privacy. Which is also the reason why they won't be getting rid of any of the stuff that might reveal they're someone other than who they show you! My mother had joints that were probably over a decade old in her jewelry box and my grandfather had some of the filthiest magazines I'd ever seen!

This is a very short story you may not want to read if you're at all squeamish. My friend Paul was dating a girl named Rachel who was still living with her mother. One night when he was over at her place and her mom was out, she took him into her mother's bedroom closet and showed him his mother's sex toys. My friend Paul grabbed her vibrator out of the box and licked it. I'm surprised Rachel didn't break up with him right there. No, she waited a bit longer when the fucking idiot began cheating on her with her boss.

Was that story squeam-inducing? It's hard to tell what other people might think of things. I'm the kind of person that eats as many free cookies as I can when the bank leaves some out instead of politely just taking one, so I'm not always sure how to react to things. I found the story hilarious. Not the cheating part of it! That was sophomoric and immature. But that other part with the licking! Ha ha! Good one!

Where was I? Oh yeah! Don't listen to strangers, kids!

Meanwhile the guy that was in the bar when Constantine arrived is tattling to the Cold Flame. He gets directions to say a magic word and then to go kill Constantine and Billy Batson and the barkeep.

This Runespeak is upside down and makes no sense. Although it seems to be related to Abra Cadabra! Just more gibberishy.

The magic word might be crap but it causes a demon to burst out of the thug's chest. I don't get the point of being a henchman to super villains or evil groups in comic books. Are they all convinced that some day they'll gain great power just like their leaders? Hmm, that sounds fucking familiar. Hey henchman! Not everyone can be a super magic cult leader! Stop giving up your lives for them! They're just manipulating you so they can gain more and more power! Stop voting them into Congress and allowing them to take more and more government benefits out of the hands of the people simply because you believe you can one day be super rich too and God forbid you have to pay taxes on that future hypothetical money! Or maybe you just don't give a shit because your only concern with which cult you join and which leader you follow is their public stance on abortion and/or child sacrifice.

When the demon thug breaks into the bar and attacks, Constantine is forced to use Billy Batson's magic word. That word doesn't make any sense either but at least we're all familiar with it. I mean, it makes more sense than "abraoac lvcfs lvcfj acabra" in that it's an acronym for a bunch of Gods' names.

Moon Prism Power!

This isn't Constantine's usual tactic but I guess he didn't have much choice. He usually likes to stand by smoking a cigarette with his trap already laid out and his enemy already well inside of it. He's not a blatant power guy! He likes subtlety and misdirection. This Shazam shit might be a bit too much for him. Luckily Billy Batson gets loose. Maybe he'll realize he should probably destroy John's Voodoo Monkey to get his voice and his power back.

Constantine manages to pull the head off of the demon and then Billy Batson pulls the head off of the Voodoo Monkey. Billy says Shazam and gets his power back. And everybody lived happily ever after.

Or they might. Constantine warns Shazam not to touch Pandora's Box or it'll be the end of the world. But why would Billy listen to him now? Why would Billy listen to him ever?! Billy is a little prick. He's going to do whatever the fuck he wants, end of the world or not. Especially since he has so much power! So what if the world ends? He'll be okay!

And John doesn't exactly live happily ever after either since he had a hole poked in him by the demon. So he's lying on the floor of the bar bleeding out when he's visited by the ghost of his good buddy Chris. You know, the guy he sacrificed at the end of the first issue? So that should make for a fun reunion next month.

Constantine #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm giving this a negative ranking because I haven't been giving many comic books negative rankings lately and I think I'm getting a little soft. So I'm going to put on my harsh hat and give Constantine what-for due to the really not very good art and the not so exciting "Trinity War Tie-In"! I might have enjoyed seeing Constantine's version of Shazam but the art was horribly sketchy and the bodies malformed and the color palette was miserable. I think his cape was basically his trench coat but it was hard to tell!

Justice League Dark #22

Why is Frank choking The Flash? Frank owes The Flash his life! Twice! Stupid cover not making sense within the confines of Justice League Dark Continuity.

I hope The Trinity War sets a precedent for crossovers. I like the format of a six issue crossover that ends in two months because it's across three titles. And they've spaced the issues out so that I'm not completely forgetting what was happening between each issue. I also like the extra smooth Before Watchmen type glossy magazine covers! I'm easy to please!

At the end of the last issue of The Trinity War, Wonder Woman had gone off in search of Magic to save the world from Pandora. Batman was going to rely on science like an idiot (doesn't he know he's in a comic book?!). And Superman was going to use questions or something. I don't know what Superman was going to do. Research, maybe? Kill another hero? Threaten Scott Lobdell with legal action?

This issue begins with a shocker: Madame Xanadu was not killed in the explosion in Part One! Yeah! Go figure! And it's not like she saw the explosion coming with her extraordinary prognostication abilities! Oh no! She was rescued and kidnapped by The Purple People Leader! I wonder what he needs her for? Maybe he needs a Purple People Leader Queen! She loves purple!

I knew she was a fraud! If she can see the future, why does she need to ask him his plans? And don't say because she doesn't know who he is because she can see the future! That's proof that I'm right somehow!

Meanwhile Firestorm is making Kryptonite for Amanda Waller. That won't end well! Batman will be pissed that somebody else has Kryptonite. But right now, Batman is sitting in on the autopsy of Doctor Light which is the weirdest autopsy ever because they're keeping him in uniform as they perform it! Maybe Cyborg is using Apokoliptian Ultrasound technology. The Phantom Stranger interrupts the autopsy because there aren't enough players in this thing already. I think he just wants to feel included.

Nobody has any idea what's going on, so they just assume that The Phantom Stranger knows what he's talking about. They must stop Wonder Woman and Justice League Dark from going after Pandora and her box. Steve Trevor relates the story of the shitty comic book he was in and how it ended when Pandora's Box killed all of Team 7. Except for most of them.

Holy shit. Superman is looking super fucked up.

For some reason, The Question isn't keeping to speaking entirely in questions. Way to fuck up the gimmick, asshole. The Question gives Superman a piece of paper that should help him figure out who actually killed Doctor Light. I'm just going to assume this really is The Question because he's helping Superman while The Phantom Stranger is helping Batman and Wonder Woman is going after Pandora. That's why it's called The Trinity War! I'm like Sherlock Hemlock and shit. I don't even need no fucking Prairie Dawn to help me solve the case!

Whatever the note said, it makes Superman angry enough to almost kill Cyborg and the ARGUS soldiers guarding his cell. He explodes out of captivity and rushes off to kill Batman. Or something. I don't really know where he's going. But my guess is Wonder Woman is trying to stop Superman by getting the Box and uncorrupting him. Batman is trying to stop Wonder Woman from getting the Box and ending the world. So Superman must be trying to stop Batman from stopping Wonder Woman from getting the box so that she can stop him. Or something.

Wonder Woman has found the Justice League Dark and they've agreed to help her. But first they'll have to get through Batman and his crew.

I don't know why Shazam or Catwoman are here helping out. I figured they'd just bugger out to their own lives by now.

I suppose Zatanna brought them to The House of Mystery. Constantine should have barred her from the House once she left the group. He's too sentimental!

I love that Batman opens with a threat. It's not good enough to appear and say, "Hey! You should really stop this because it's dangerous. Let's research what's going on and we'll eventually get to the bottom of this. How about some coffee?" Instead, he appears with a small army behind him with an ultimatum! These super heroes really piss me off sometimes. Stop taking every opportunity you can find to get in a fight with other heroes. Maybe if Wonder Woman were about to pick up Pandora's Box, Batman would be justified in escalating the violence since he's not sure that opening the Box won't end the world. But they don't even know where Pandora is yet! Everybody just calm the fuck down!

Back at ARGUS, Superman's rush to destroy everything to get out is all because The Question gave him a clipping from Khandaq showing Doctor Psycho had been in town. Oh shit! Well fuck! No wonder he destroyed millions of dollars of ARGUS equipment and almost killed half a dozen men! He had a newspaper clipping! Now I'm really pissed off! Somebody go call fucking Uncle Ben over to this universe to explain about power and responsibility! I can fucking wait because Superman is acting like a spoiled child. And now Amanda Waller is getting into it by threatening Superman with a bunch of ARGUS guards! Why don't the ARGUS guards simply say, "Fuck that! That's Superman! You deal with it!" Oh, that's right. Because the "you" is Amanda Waller. I guess I wouldn't be talking back either.

Green Arrow takes control and does the right thing. No, he doesn't throw a garbage can through a pizzeria window. But close enough. He deescalates the situation by providing some smoke cover so they can all get away and go find Doctor Psycho.

I like Green Arrow's actions here because he quickly decides they should help Superman and not fight. So smoke screen it is! Except there will probably still be a big brawl since they're in the subbasement of ARGUS and Amanda is blocking the way out.

Back in the House of Mystery, John Constantine makes off with Shazam because Shazam didn't really want to be there in the first place. Which is what I thought. Which makes me wonder why the fuck he went with Batman? I suppose anywhere was better than ARGUS. The rest of the crew divvy up teams so that they can fight each other because the people Batman brought with him really didn't have their hearts in the idea of beating up Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman's crew teleport away thanks to Zatanna while Batman's crew is left wondering where Constantine and Shazam went.

Shazam is wondering the same thing!

Back at ARGUS, nobody wants to play with Amanda Waller. Maybe that'll make her think twice next time she shoves a nanobomb into somebody's neck. You're not making friends, lady. Everybody else heads off into different comic books while The Purple People Leader tells Madame Xanadu something she'd already know if she could actually see the future: he has a mole in the Justice League! I bet that mole is The Question that isn't the Question because The Question wasn't asking questions the whole time! I bet it's Clayface or some other shape shifter.

Justice League Dark #22 Rating: No change. The Purple People Leader believes he's already won although I don't know why he believes that. Is it just the usual super villain arrogance? Or has he, himself, seen the future? And what's going to happen to the Justice League of America when this is all over? Amanda Waller is going to be hell to live with.

Justice League of America #6

Is this still happening?

Doctor Light was killed last week and all hell broke loose. That's the recap! Let's fuck and roll!

The Purple People Leader declares it's time and The Question reveals that he can Narration Box without having to form a question. So the issue begins with two mystery men: The Purple People Leader and The Question. The Purple People Leader has been revealed, by Madame Xanadu's Tarot Cards, to be The Outsider. In Flashpoint, there is another dapper character named Mr. Outsider. He wears a white suit instead of a purple suit and his face is scarred or made of rock or ash or something strange. But he has the same general attitude as the Purple People Leader. Also, J'onn read his mind and realized The Purple People Leader also saw his world destroyed. So he could be from a Pre-Flashpoint world and he could be Mr. Outsider. But that still doesn't answer the question as to who Mr. Outsider was in that world? The other guess around these forums is that it's pre-Flashpoint Alfred Pennyworth. That makes sense since somebody was able to infiltrate Batman's Batcave and The Purple People Leader explained that he knew the location of The Batcave. Also, The Purple People Leader has a stained glass window with Pandora's Skull on it, so it makes sense that he knows why the world has changed and is working to return it to what he sees as normal.

It's looking pretty good that The Purple People Leader is Mr. Outsider who is also Pre-Flashpoint Alfred Pennyworth.

But who could The Question be? He's one of the Trinity of Sin and it looks like his identity is going to remain a mystery for a good, long time. But he's got to be a historical figure like Pandora and The Phantom Stranger. If The Phantom Stranger's crime was betrayal and his punishment is now to betray, The Question's crime must be questioning since that's now his punishment. He's probably a fucking two year old.

The Question: "Why? Why? Why? Why?"
The Council of Wizards: "SHUT UP ALREADY! You're damned forever!"
The Question: "Why?"

Maybe The Question is God and/or Satan. I think he's both.

Meanwhile in Khandaq, all hell has broken loose.

John Constantine is digging around the rubble of Madame Xanadu's Psychic Fraud Shop for some nutty reason. Why does he keep going back to her? He knows what she's going to say whenever she opens her stupid mouth: "The world is going to end!" Just dump her ass, Constantine. She's completely useless.

During the fight in Khandaq, Vibe senses something else not of this world. But before he can say what it is, The Flash lets go with a Speed Force Fart that knocks everyone on their asses. That's just typical! I'm sick of comic books creating tension by having a character declare they know something and then having some other character interrupt so the reader doesn't get any satisfaction. Stop stringing me along! Tell me something new and exciting! I prefer learning stuff that raises more questions and keeps me interested over nearly learning something so that I hang around just to learn what I should have been told. You're worse than Local News segments. "Find out what common household item can, AND WILL, kill you! Details at ten!"

Superman super screams and then super confesses and tells everyone to super lock him up. Now that's the Superman I was saying should have appeared immediately after he killed Doctor Light! There's no way he would have killed someone and then began fighting with the people that wanted to arrest him. He would have gone of his own free will. But maybe that's the point! He's not operating under his own free will. Somebody has their psychic hooks in him.

See? The Superman Chess Piece has been stolen by someone! Probably by Doctor Hoodoo Voodoo who do do the voodoo on Su-su.

Superman is arrested and Amanda Waller begins jumping for joy and getting ready to move into a bigger office. It's annoying that Waller wants to shut down a good group of Super Heroes with her group of Super Heroes instead of working with the other group of Super Heroes. But it makes fucking sense. It's what the American Government does every fucking day. If the United States of America isn't in control, the United States of America quakes in fear and schemes to figure out how to get in control. When you believe you're the most righteous government on the block, you'll do some pretty shitty things to maintain control over other governments because, hey, they aren't as righteous! So we fucking know what's better for them and, well, we know what's best for us, so whatever we say goes, motherfuckers! The United States of America isn't the most righteous or the best or the most powerful: it's the most scared.

See? Amanda Waller is America! Here she's controlling the flow of information. And she's creating weapons for defense because she knows any other country that's creating weapons are doing it for offense and she needs to be able to protect herself against them, if not stop them from creating weapons altogether.

Superman is locked up at ARGUS but he's still allowed visitors. So Batman and Wonder Woman speak with him to try and figure out what the fuck is going on. Wonder Woman mentions Pandora's Box and what it did to him. And Batman says, "Shut up. Pandora the myth? Shut the fuck up. The box with the hope in it? Come on! You're not serious. Right? You're not. Right?"

Meanwhile Batman turns to science because science can answer every question there is! Except for all those questions in comic books that have nothing to do with science. Like how Superman can fly. And all those assholes with magic. And how the Green Lanterns can knock somebody out with no more than a beam of light. So Batman is fucked if he thinks he's going to find the answer via science. But Wonder Woman turns toward myth and finds no answers there either. So she heads to the one guy that knows the most about their last option of magic: John Constantine.

That's actually a poor place to go for information. He's going to manipulate Wonder Woman and she'll thank him for his time.

Lastly, The Question visits Superman and asks him a silly question.

Can Superman answer "no" here and just end The Trinity War with Superman going to trial for murder? Seriously, do we need Superman free when all we're getting out of him are horrible Scott Lobdell stories? He might as well be rotting on Death Row.

Justice League of America #6 Rating: No change. Did this issue advance the story any? I guess we learned Pandora's Box is a mystery even to the Greek Gods. And The Question can think in declarative statements. But Madame Xanadu is still lost. The Purple People Leader is still a mystery. The Question's identity is still unknown. Pandora wasn't even in the issue. Nobody made any cracks about how lame Aquaman is. I'm not sure much of anything happened this issue!

Justice League #22

Trinity War! It's about Godfuckingdamned time! So what's the next big story that we're all supposed to wet our underwear over?

Before I get started actually talking about the beginning of The Trinity War, something just occurred to me. When I was reading Jim Shooter's bitter review of Catwoman #1, one of the things he was bitching about was Catwoman's cat carrier! He says of March's work, "He should also get ref on a cat carrier, or at least decide if the one he’s drawing opens on top or at the ends." Hey, Jim Shooter, you fucking garbage bag! MANY CAT CARRIERS OPEN FROM THE TOP AND THE END! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!

Thank you for indulging me. That felt good! I think I can hear Scott Lobdell snickering in the distance. That Trouble Shooter must have been one real peach to work for! Not that it sounds like many head editors at Marvel or DC had an easy time keeping the lousy writers and lazy artists in line! I suppose I don't envy Shooter trying to do that job about as much as I don't envy anybody working under him. At least he was probably a better boss than Mort Weisinger!

Now that I've probably made yet another enemy in the comic book business through my absurd use of hyperbolic anger, let's find out what this Trinity War is all about!

The first thing I notice is how smooth the comic book feels. It's the same material they used for the covers of the Before Watchmen comic books. It slides nicely over my naked body and it smells like a real magazine! It also looks like Katana has her Soultaker blade back! Well fuck! Now Katana #6 is spoiled!

The issue begins with a blonde woman paying a visit to Madame Xanadu. No! Stop it, you dumb woman! She's going to look into your future and see the end of the world! Then she's going to make you pay a shitload of money to change that future. She'll hire a bunch of super heroes and tell them what they need to do to save the world. Then the heroes will run around like monkeys with their dicks cut off until Madame Xanadu says, "We did it! We changed the future!" And everyone will blink and go, "What the fuck did we do?" And Xanadu will wink and nod and say, "Yes." And everyone will look quizzically at each other and go home until the next time Madame Xanadu decides to lie about knowing how to see the future.

Madame Xanadu, you have a mental disorder.

Madame Xanadu continues to ignore the woman's problems while she tries to figure out how this Trinity War comes about. She's merely using this woman as a vehicle to see the future since the woman will also be in that future somewhere. But Xanadu doesn't give a fuck about helping the woman combat her sleep suicide problem she's having. Xanadu decides to do some Tarot to find out who causes the Trinity War. The cards read, "The Boy," and show a picture of Shazam. That's quite the Tarot Deck!

Currently that boy is wondering what to do with Black Adam's ashes. I'm simply impressed that he had the presence of mind to sweep Black Adam into an urn before he could blow away or turn into caked nastiness from rain. He's decided to fly over Khandaq and dump the ashes there. That might be a bad idea seeing as how Khandaq is full of mistrustful leaders who are looking for any excuse to blow the shit out of any other nation.

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Superman are on a date touring Belle Reve having a philosophical discussion about capital punishment. Superman says, "I'm not for it but I'm completely up for some corporal punishment!" And Wonder Woman says, "Tee hee!" as she grabs her fanny and runs down the halls of the prison.

Sure, you say it's a Lasso of Truth. But how do we know it's not really a Lasso of False Confessions? And how do we know it's not racist? And does it make a person tell the actual truth whether they know it or not or just what they perceive to be the truth? I don't think your little lasso is as infallible as you'd like to believe, Madam.

Madame Xanadu next turns over the Pandora card. This causes Pandora to approach Superman and Wonder Woman, asking Superman to please open her box because he has the biggest heart. Or maybe Pandora approaching Superman causes Xanadu to turn over the Pandora card. Or maybe it's purely synchronicity and one event has no causal relation to the other!

In another scene over in Washington, DC, Amanda Waller uses the word "literally" and I have to drink. See, it's this ongoing game I have. Whenever somebody says "literally," I drink. It's why I can't watch reality television shows or speak with my friend Jerry before going to work. I guess I just have to figuratively drink this morning though because I drank all of my sake while playing Call of Duty on Thursday night.

Anyway, Amanda wants to recruit Doctor Light onto the Justice League of America even though he only recently received super powers and yet he already has a costume. The costume must have just appeared when his powers did. Maybe Arthur Light just hangs around naked and uses his light powers to create his costume. Except his Light Powers in The New 52 seem to be anti-light powers! He's not a Doctor of Light at all! He's a Cancer to Light! Actually, he probably just doesn't know how to use his powers yet.

This is called "Dramatic Irony."

Madame Xanadu continues turning over cards from the strangest Tarot deck I've ever seen. The Detective?! I wonder if she has a card for every single character of the DCnU in this deck? It's probably mystically big while seeming like it only has 78 cards in it. The reason I know how many cards are in a Tarot Deck has nothing to do with the fact that I used to own the Tarot Deck with art by Dave Mckean. The reason I know the number is because it was a riddle I could never answer in the third Wizardry game, Legacy of Llylgamyn that began, "I am one of the deck of seventy eight." This was back when the internet didn't exist and we were all really stupid and pornless.

While The Atom plays around on an old chess set shaped like the Justice League when Martian Manhunter was a member, Pandora shoves her box into Superman's hands and he flips the fuck out. Apparently his heart isn't as pure as an Irish spring. Pandora takes back the box and beats the hell out of town. Superman failed the audition. Next?!

But before next which will probably be in Trinity War Part Two, the Justice League needs to stop Shazam from starting an international incident by raining human remains down upon the people of Khandaq. And the Justice League of America is heading in to Khandaq to start the international incident that the Justice League is going to stop by stopping the Justice League from starting an international incident.

Ha ha ha! Aquaman sucks!

Over in Khandaq, Superman and Shazam begin pummeling each other while Madame Xanadu, speaking to herself (or maybe John Constantine!), mentions how they all have secrets. Oh, I guess she's not speaking to Constantine then because he already knows that. He is, after all, the master of the House of Secrets. And he may end up in Khandaq with the other Justice League of the Dark members since Batman called up Zatanna before heading to Khandaq. He wanted some tips on how to fight magic people. And Constantine has probably been monitoring Zatanna's phone line since she ditched the team. So they're all probably going to meet in the middle of the Khandaqi desert to discuss what to do about the end of the world.

Well, at least the two main Justice Leagues get to meet. Although it's a pretty sketchy reason to be confronting each other. Just about everybody on the Justice League of America know this whole confrontation is bullshit and yet they're all still participating. Whatever the JLA is paying, it must be some pretty good dough. Or perhaps Martian Manhunter has psychically lowered their resistance to following stupid orders.

The Question makes his first appearance in The Trinity War. He's put up a poster of Superman and then tacked a bunch of yarn to it to help him answer the question "Who is the evil behind the evil?" I think the other questions he's asking are "Why do all of these articles I cut out only say NONONONONONONONONONONONO?" and "How did I get this photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing?"

And then Superman blasts Doctor Light in the face with his heat vision, killing him. At least that's what it seems! Madame Xanadu sees it and believes it was someone other than Superman. The Question believes it was The Imputer. Superman thinks it was Superman. So is he innocent or not? Hey, how about tying Supes up with the Lasso of Truth! That'll show everybody whether he's innocent or guilty! Oh wait. He thinks he's guilty! Which means he'll say he killed Doctor Light, right? Yeah, that lasso is just as reliable as a crappy ass lie detector, Wonder Jerk.

Even Plastique and the Secret Society have been fooled into believing Madame Xanadu can actually tell the future.

The next page is a really good one because Madame Xanadu blows up! Some seer she was!

Then all hell breaks loose in Khandaq because the Justice League apparently stands by Superman's decision to kill Doctor Light. Instead of Batman going, "Holy fuck, maybe we shouldn't be killing other heroes?", he decides to punch Catwoman in the throat. And instead of Superman falling to his knees and allowing himself to be taken away for killing Doctor Light, he decides he should brawl with Martian Manhunter. The only sensible one is The Atom, probably because she's worked on both teams and gotten to know everybody in the fight. Or it could be that none of them noticed her because she's super tiny! And she might not really care about stopping the fight or she would, you know, grow bigger and say, "Knock it off, you assholes!"

Wait. She can grow bigger, right? She just wears a magic belt that makes her small. Right?

And because the media are really, really good at their jobs in comics and they actually have people out in the field reporting on actual events and digging up stories instead of just sitting in air conditioned rooms waiting for a press release, they're already airing reports about the death of Doctor Light at the hands of Superman! Holy shit, comic book reporters are fucking brilliant! Lois Lane must be a master if she's competing against this kind of speed and accuracy! Unless, you know, the reports in the comic book are from Lois Lane. That probably makes the most sense.

The man behind it all! He's better at planning convoluted and intricate plots than Harvest ever was!

Did the Purple People Leader program Doctor Light's head to explode when he got near Superman? Did he use the light coin on Doctor Light? And did he use Pandora's Box to program a red light to shoot out of Superman's forehead when Doctor Light's Light Ray went off? Because the Purple People Leader does worship, in some way, Pandora's box. I'm not sure how he manipulated Amanda Waller to get Doctor Light on the team but that was probably the easiest part of the plan. Oh! Also, the Superman Chess Piece was missing so that probably means something too. Like maybe this Superman isn't really Superman but a Superman Simulacrum which is why his heart wasn't pure enough to open Pandora's box! No, no. That's getting too convoluted even for a comic book!

Justice League #22 Rating: No change. Poor fucking Doctor Light. He gets one lousy issue! One lousy issue! I suppose even though this is a whole new universe and the Reboot changed everything, he still couldn't get the taint of diddling little children out of his costume. And he just hadn't been punished enough! Also, Madame Xanadu probably isn't dead. I'm going to say there is a 35% chance that she's not dead at all and a 64% chance that she's mostly not dead and a 1% chance that she can actually see the future.