Wonder Woman #13

Apparently Wonder Woman cries out of her eyes and ears.

When a person gets annoyed at somebody saying "All it takes to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," it's almost certainly not why you think it is. The problem with the statement isn't strictly the part about the guns. The problem is that time after time we've seen that the "good guy" can't actually recognize a bad guy (or if there is even a gun (or, knowing that all the good guy has to say is they thought there was a gun, not caring that there isn't a gun at all)). It's easy to point to a mass shooting and say, "That guy could have been stopped if a good guy had a gun." In fact, gun lovers love to point out those hypothetical situations as proof that more guns are needed. But try to point out that "good guys" with guns constantly shoot anybody they perceive as being a bad guy and you'll soon find out what the real argument of the "All it takes..." quote is. Because as we've seen from people who support Donald Trump's travel ban from countries with populations which have a zero percent rate of terrorist attacks on American soil in the last thirty years, they already know who the bad guys are. You would think the operative word in their pithy argument would be "gun" but the actual identifier of the bad guy is a dog whistle and a wink: dark skinned. In Professor John Jennings' essay, "Skin Cells" (published in Bitch Planet #8 (and possibly elsewhere?)), he states how his black body is inscribed by society "with the visual language of discrimination, fear, and violence." He also uses this quote by Claudia Rankine: "Because white men can't police their imagination, black men are dying." Societal beliefs and expectations are a virus which you've lived with for so long that you come to accept it as just a part of who you are. Many people truly believe the bad guy is dark skinned. Many people now believe the only real bad guy is Muslim. Somehow they conveniently ignore all of the mass killings perpetrated by white skinned individuals. I have a theory about that!

Don't I always have a theory about everything? I am, after all, a complete and utter individual whose confident voice of reason demands to be heard. Or at least that's what I've learned, having grown up white, male, and heterosexual. Oh wait. That's my theory! White people are seen as individuals who are responsible for their own actions and thus don't represent an entire group when they shoot up school or a church or a mosque or a Planned Parenthood. But dark skinned people are seen as representative of their entire race or religion and thus any crime perpetrated by one is an example of how all the rest will act. I guess that isn't much of a "my theory" as it is the generally accepted theory of how we view race in this country. Or at least a theory held by intelligent people who perceive reality and not people like my cousin Troy who find Super Bowl ads hilarious, thinks responding to facts by saying "Bullshit" is discussion, and likes pages like CarMax on Facebook because why?

I'm considering posting that on Facebook and then replying to it with "In before Troy can say 'Bullshit'." (The period belongs outside the quotes because Troy doesn't know about punctuation.)

The Review!
This comic book is hard to follow because it's two different stories published in an alternating schedule. All that really means is that I have to wait a month to read the next part of each story which, in yet another theory, should be fine since that's how people generally experience comic books. But knowing that I have a problem remembering stories from month to month, I began a blog to help me remember what happened the previous month. But now when I get a new issue of Wonder Woman, I reread my previous blog entry on Wonder Woman which discusses the story that I'm not about to read! I suppose I could reread the penultimate entry I've written but that's too much of a hassle. And by "too much of a hassle," I just mean anything that takes just a moment's extra thought and nearly no extra time at all.

What I'm trying to say is I forget what was happening in this story. But I also haven't read a Wonder Woman comic book for two months due to falling behind. So that's probably the main source of my inability to remember.

It turns out Wonder Woman, in her search for home, has fallen into a coma. Also a woman with a name-tag that reads Maru (probably Chris Carter's daughter) is killing government agents in her search for Wonder Woman. She's the woman with the scar on her face on the cover of this issue except somebody forgot to tell the cover artist, Liam Sharp (unless this is the variant cover and then it's Jenny Frison. Except I don't think it's Jenny Frison because I usually come in my pants when I see her art and that didn't happen when I looked at this cover), that the scar is supposed to look like a caduceus. That's probably a clue!

Wonder Woman quickly gets better. I don't mean all the way better. I just mean out of a coma better.

I think Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman have wound up on the island from Lost in their search for Themyscira. That must be why there's a Dharma logo on the cover for the Sprocket Station.

Did anybody ever do an I Ching reading of the Dharma logos? I should ask Lord Google about that. Here's a reading by NewSuez on losteastereggs, a blogspot blog:

"I chose these symbols for a reading on the internet and this is what it came up with...
The time is not yet right for you to act, so be patient: the transition from chaos to order is not yet complete. You are following the right path, but avoid disputes, and success will come to you in time.
Equal partnerships benefit. Act with humility to all people; restore balance between excess and dearth in order to be successful.
This is a good time for increased activity and prosperity, and maybe travel over water. Make the most of this time because it will pass. Be generous and do not seek unfair advantage over others.
Do not follow someone else's path. Be careful of dangerous situations: deceit and hidden objectives will be harmful, although honesty and honourable actions could be beneficial. Learn from these situations for the future.
There is good fortune, but this is not a time to relax. Be sure to consolidate what you have, or have gained. Act with caution and strive to maintain balance.
Everything is as it should be! Take opportunities as they arise, and act with conviction, but make sure you do not appear over-confident or 'immodest'.
Avoid excesses, and preserve what you have. You may need to accept a loss, but do so easily: greater benefit will replace the loss. Be restrained but flexible, and act with sincerity.
There is danger which must be acknowledged, and actions taken in quiet ways with the support of others. Greater prosperity will follow if you act fairly and with honour, and are cautious in your actions."

I would do an I Ching reading of the logo on the cover except I don't think it has entries for tentacles.

The theory that they're on the island from Lost isn't just a joke! The caduceus on Maru's face was one of the Dharma stations. In fact, all of the Dharma stations have some connection to Apollo. Which probably means something if I cared to spend any more time thinking about Lost than I already have in this lifetime.

That's what the captain of the Black Rock probably said! Oh! Steve Trevor keeps thinking about how they're trapped on a "rock" in the middle of the "Black" sea! Totally on the Lost island!

This island is also an island that can't be found and shouldn't be where it is. Coincidence? The island might also be a gateway to another place. This one to Themyscira, the island of Lost to Heaven (since it was, you know, Purgatory).

Maru (who is a Marina and not a Piper) lands on the island with her team, Poison. They rock the fucking faces off the hair band kids and then get their asses beat by jock Steve Trevor. He might kick the asses of Poison but not their leader, Marina Maru. She gets the drop on Wonder Woman and ends the battle because Steve Trevor hasn't seen the comic by Kerry Callen

Why the bracelets? Click through to find out!

Steve and Diana are rescued by some of Steve's or Etta's or Jack's or Locke's or Ben's friends. They leave the Island and escape although they'll probably have to come back later to finish finding Themyscira and Diana's past.

Diana is locked in a mental ward until she can metamorphose into Rebirth Wonder Woman. Right now, she's still really confused by all of that history between Crisis on Infinite Earths and now.

The Ranking!
-1! This was just a stupid love letter from Steve Trevor to Diana! Romance is stupid! And dumb! That might not be a fair assessment of this comic book but it's a completely biased assessment, which is all you'll ever get from me! I promise!

Constantine #6

Fucked.

Last issue, Constantine left his body in a seedy dive in New York called The Joint. Not very responsible of him. Even if he comes back for it, it'll likely have suffered some kind of horrible abuse. I hope he wakes back up with his mouth full of semen and a huge turd on his chest. Constantine's buddy Lloyd is currently watching over it but Lloyd might be slightly pervy himself. Constantine does have a big smoking hole in his chest and, well, how many chances does a shitty dive bar owner get to fuck a dying man in the chest? A dozen, maybe?

Lloyd does call Zatanna because how else do you save the life of a magician ravaged by a demon? Too bad he doesn't have the number for that Demon Nurse whose name I've forgotten.

I just recently learned that Hawaiian Pidgin has the word "da kine" which can be used as a placeholder for any word that you can't remember or possibly don't know. My brain often doesn't allow me to access the word I want even though I know, quite specifically, which word I'm looking for. I've learned to compensate by throwing in a random word so I can just get my thought out. Even though The Non-Certified Spouse is used to this, it can still confuse her. So I should try to remember to use "da kine" from now on! Although what do you replace "da kine" with if you can't remember "da kine"?

As a nearly dead Astral Projection, Constantine encounters his good buddy Chris who is a little bit upset about the way things ended between them. Namely that John used him and left him to die. From what I've seen in movies where people have friends, that sort of thing isn't cool. I guess John was supposed to risk his own life to save his friend's life? Bah! Who needs that kind of pressure?

Meanwhile in Switzerland, some apprentices in The Cold Flame learn they've made a huge mistake.

How do evil organizations keep their membership rosters full? People sign up for this shit of their own free will? "Hey, come join The Cold Flame and have a demon burst out of your stomach, killing you! Don't like that? Well how about being used as sacrifices and getting your heads chopped off? The Cold Flame! Prepared. For life. Which Probably Won't Last Long For Most of You."

The Cold Flame leader, Tannarak, heads to New York with his new dead disciples in demon form and a Paramedic Werewolf. They plan on destroying Constantine's body before he can return to it.

I can't imagine how much shit would go down in pursuit of Constantine's soul. It would be like a fucked up bloody evil naked-demon filled Mahabharata. Hey! I spelled that correctly on my first try! I get a gold cookie.

Now that I'm almost through with this issue and it really hasn't shaken the whimsy loose from the icicles covering my soul, I realize I should have made this issue my first try at reading a comic book all the way through and then discussing it. Oh well. I was busy. I had to sleep about 58 of the last 48 hours away. Probably because I'm an Atheist and live in a world of sadness and despair, and not having anything at all to do with brain chemistry, shitty weather, and a lack of Oreos.

That part about being sad and filled with despair was sarcasm, for those who actually think that's how Atheist's live. Sheesh. We know joy! Just ask my backyard filled with small domesticated animal corpses! Or the bathtub full of their blood in which I soak every night while masturbating onto a crucifix.

Now I'm in the mood to watch horror movies, drink sake, and cry.

I also want to play some fucking board games or role-playing games on a regular basis. I suppose I could find a group to do that with but fuck if I can't stand role-playing with anybody but the friends I've gamed with my entire life. I've always been horrible at meeting new people. I'm one of those people who forgot how to make friends after elementary school. Here's a fun fact: I have four times as many Followers on Tumblr as I have friends on Facebook! And most of my friends on Facebook are relatives!

That's okay, though! The friends I do have are the best people in the world. I don't suffer fools or shallow assholes. If you're a friend of mine, you're a pretty fucking good human being. If you're a friend of mine I've sort of lost contact with, it's because you don't have an online presence! Get with the times, man! Says the guy without a cell phone. Hmm. That might help me remain in contact with people!

Let's pull out of this pathetic nosedive and talk about something else before I get back to John Constantine. I was just looking at some of the links that send traffic to my website (placesandpredators.com, where I house all the scanned pictures) and found a forum called "Fantasy Face-Off". I get a lot of shit traffic to places like this where people argue about which fictional character can beat up which other fictional character. People get really fucking serious about this shit. Generally they hotlink to one of my Superman scans where it mentions he's bench-pressed six times the weight of the Earth while only generating one drop of sweat. Well two days ago, somebody suggested Godzilla versus Superman! And here is the Number One, Gold Medal Response to that match up:

Superman, no contest.
Won't even try and explain why, it's common sense honestly.
I would actually classify this as a mismatch to be truthful.

"It's common sense honestly." "[A] mismatch to be truthful." Well, thanks for being honest about who would so obviously win in this battle! And that guy's name was Reptilian! Race traitor! Man, he can't even take the time to explain his reasons because it's so fucking obvious! IT'S COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE! So that's what common sense is used for! Is this the type of common sense that all hyper-intelligent people lack? The ability to see so fucking clearly why Superman would beat Godzilla? THREAD CLOSED, MOTHERFUCKER! DUE TO COMMON SENSE! BITCH!

But wait! We have other golden responses! Oh, and if you're actually here to find out how Constantine ends, he doesn't die or something. I don't know. I haven't finished it yet. If you're really that interested, go spend $2.99 and find out for yourself. I have a forum about Superman versus Godzilla to read! So let's get back to the other responses!

Swarmlord2012 says,

It depends on what incarnation of Superman and Godzilla you use.

Are there really that many variations of Godzilla? Was there a Kryptonite Breath Godzilla? Because, hey, common sense! I know who wins that one! But what fucking version of Superman is going to convince Reptilian that this isn't a mismatch? Superman on a planet with a red sun? Because Superman is pretty much fucked there, right?

Being that this is the internet, Reptilian's next post discards his first theory in order to simply argue with Swarmlord2012's belief that Final Wars Superman has infinite power. Since this is the internet, having opinions is only fun if you have somebody to argue with. So Reptilian decides to shit all over Superman's possible power level at one time in his comic book history. And then Swarmlord2012 comes back with this bit of fucking amazing:

As far as I'm concerned there is no reason not to assume that Final Wars Godzilla isn't omnipotent.

Holy fucking shit! Final Wars Godzilla is omnipotent!? Or wait. Is that what he said? Who fucking doesn't not write sentences with no positives whatsover?

That's about it for that. The forum discussion really needs a moderator since every new person that joins in decides "it depends on which version of each character" is the only real common sense answer!

Back to Constantine, Lloyd's ass is saved not by Zatanna but by a different person that Constantine has recently pissed off:

Perhaps he thought it over a bit and realized Constantine did help save his life. Or maybe he just wants a chance to fuck Constantine in the chest hole.

Forget Papa Midnite for a second. I couldn't resist! I had to go back to Fantasy Face-off's forums and see what other stupid fucking match-ups they came up with! They have a pure fantasy section with dream match-ups as "Frost Giant versus Cave Troll." Really? Just get out your own fucking dice and Monster Manual and figure it out yourself! You need some deep philosophical plumbing of this match-up to really feel like you've put the matter to rest? I suppose they're discussing specific literary examples of these creatures. But my way is still easier to come up with a winner! Here are some more battles forum users have suggested:

Harry Potter vs. Percy Jackson
Flying Dutchman vs. Black Pearl
Lord Voldemort vs. Sauron
Ceiling Cat vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (come on! Take this seriously, assholes! Obviously Ceiling Cat. Common sense)
Aragorn vs. Legolas
Ghost Rider vs. Balgrog
Samson vs. Achilles
Coke vs. Pepsi (this was in the Historical Versus Forum. Now I'm considering match-ups like "Dr. Pepper vs. Hitler" or "Mr. Pibb vs. Genghis Khan")

Let me take a time out from listing match-ups. I'll get back to it because this shit fascinates me. Not who can beat up whom. But that people actually care about working this shit out. Here's a quote from Epicness about how tired he is having to read people talk about "people in armor being as mobile as stones and katanas cleaving through other swords":

Yea...people need to do theor research before they have a discussion about it! That's why i love this forum. Nobody bases their votes on who they like more. We actually have brains!

Wow! This must be the definitive forum for face-off results! Maybe I'll think up some match-ups for them!

Pippi Longstockings vs. Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Green Gables vs. Laura Ingalls
Harriet the Spy vs. Dorothy Gale
Superman vs. Huck Finn
Johnny Truant vs. Charles Kinbote
Charles Kinbote vs. Professor V. Botkin
Pelafina Lievre vs. Ma Joad
Kilgore Trout vs. John Yossarian
Tom Joad vs. Tom Bombadill
Randle MacMurphy vs. Strider

You get the point. Let's finish this comic book, bitches!

Constantine and Papa Midnite come to some sort of agreement as to why Papa should save Constantine's life. Meanwhile, Tannarak discovers John Constantine's home by continually repeating "Mystic Symbols" in Old Portugese [sic]. So Constantine lives again. He's made a tentative kind of peace with Papa Midnite. And Tannarak of the Cold Flame has discovered all of John's mystic treasures. Be with us next time for "A Poor Start in John's Pet Store Apartment" or "Brother Mage you spare a dime?".

Constantine #6 Rating: No change. I'm not exactly sure why I was so distracted that it took me three sittings to finish reading this comic book. Maybe I need to read a bunch of old comics for awhile before I jump back in to commenting on The New 52. Or maybe I should go outside and reconnect to the world! I wonder if anybody wants to go get drunk with me in some open air patio somewhere?

Constantine #5

After I did the preview scan of this cover, I had to take it out of the scanner to look at the colors to make sure my scanner wasn't set to grayscale with trace amounts of red. That is so a setting!

This issue begins after this panel, one of the creepiest panels so far in The New 52:

It's creepy if you look at it in the right way!

A strange man in a trench coat lures a young boy away into the dark with vague promises? Come on! That's disturbing! It's really going to color the way I read this issue. Constantine wants something from this boy and he's going to take it no matter what the cost. I think this might be one of those analogies or cautionary tales for young, rebellious boys.

John leads Shazam out of the House of Mystery and into a bar in New York, a fitting place to corrupt a minor. John manages to convince Billy Batson to take off his uniform and then John shows him his monkey. He then handcuffs Billy to the bar and takes what he came for.

Remember, kids! If a strange man tells you that your family is in danger, don't believe him! Also, you probably shouldn't be reading this if you're a kid. I say things like "cunt" and "fuck" a lot and I wouldn't want to be thought of as a corrupter of the youth! Except if you are a kid and you are reading this, how is it my fault? Your parents should be keeping a better eye on you. Hey, kids! You want to learn some things about your parents that they probably don't want you to know? Go through their things the next time they leave you alone in the house! Don't worry about getting caught as long as you put everything back where it was! Parents develop this kind of mental block where they forget that their children are individuals with their own wants and desires. They think that telling you to stay out of their shit actually means something. It doesn't! They only say that because they went through their parents stuff too! They know at a visceral level that you're going to go through their things. But they convince themselves that you won't because they so desperately need to believe that you'll respect their privacy. Which is also the reason why they won't be getting rid of any of the stuff that might reveal they're someone other than who they show you! My mother had joints that were probably over a decade old in her jewelry box and my grandfather had some of the filthiest magazines I'd ever seen!

This is a very short story you may not want to read if you're at all squeamish. My friend Paul was dating a girl named Rachel who was still living with her mother. One night when he was over at her place and her mom was out, she took him into her mother's bedroom closet and showed him his mother's sex toys. My friend Paul grabbed her vibrator out of the box and licked it. I'm surprised Rachel didn't break up with him right there. No, she waited a bit longer when the fucking idiot began cheating on her with her boss.

Was that story squeam-inducing? It's hard to tell what other people might think of things. I'm the kind of person that eats as many free cookies as I can when the bank leaves some out instead of politely just taking one, so I'm not always sure how to react to things. I found the story hilarious. Not the cheating part of it! That was sophomoric and immature. But that other part with the licking! Ha ha! Good one!

Where was I? Oh yeah! Don't listen to strangers, kids!

Meanwhile the guy that was in the bar when Constantine arrived is tattling to the Cold Flame. He gets directions to say a magic word and then to go kill Constantine and Billy Batson and the barkeep.

This Runespeak is upside down and makes no sense. Although it seems to be related to Abra Cadabra! Just more gibberishy.

The magic word might be crap but it causes a demon to burst out of the thug's chest. I don't get the point of being a henchman to super villains or evil groups in comic books. Are they all convinced that some day they'll gain great power just like their leaders? Hmm, that sounds fucking familiar. Hey henchman! Not everyone can be a super magic cult leader! Stop giving up your lives for them! They're just manipulating you so they can gain more and more power! Stop voting them into Congress and allowing them to take more and more government benefits out of the hands of the people simply because you believe you can one day be super rich too and God forbid you have to pay taxes on that future hypothetical money! Or maybe you just don't give a shit because your only concern with which cult you join and which leader you follow is their public stance on abortion and/or child sacrifice.

When the demon thug breaks into the bar and attacks, Constantine is forced to use Billy Batson's magic word. That word doesn't make any sense either but at least we're all familiar with it. I mean, it makes more sense than "abraoac lvcfs lvcfj acabra" in that it's an acronym for a bunch of Gods' names.

Moon Prism Power!

This isn't Constantine's usual tactic but I guess he didn't have much choice. He usually likes to stand by smoking a cigarette with his trap already laid out and his enemy already well inside of it. He's not a blatant power guy! He likes subtlety and misdirection. This Shazam shit might be a bit too much for him. Luckily Billy Batson gets loose. Maybe he'll realize he should probably destroy John's Voodoo Monkey to get his voice and his power back.

Constantine manages to pull the head off of the demon and then Billy Batson pulls the head off of the Voodoo Monkey. Billy says Shazam and gets his power back. And everybody lived happily ever after.

Or they might. Constantine warns Shazam not to touch Pandora's Box or it'll be the end of the world. But why would Billy listen to him now? Why would Billy listen to him ever?! Billy is a little prick. He's going to do whatever the fuck he wants, end of the world or not. Especially since he has so much power! So what if the world ends? He'll be okay!

And John doesn't exactly live happily ever after either since he had a hole poked in him by the demon. So he's lying on the floor of the bar bleeding out when he's visited by the ghost of his good buddy Chris. You know, the guy he sacrificed at the end of the first issue? So that should make for a fun reunion next month.

Constantine #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm giving this a negative ranking because I haven't been giving many comic books negative rankings lately and I think I'm getting a little soft. So I'm going to put on my harsh hat and give Constantine what-for due to the really not very good art and the not so exciting "Trinity War Tie-In"! I might have enjoyed seeing Constantine's version of Shazam but the art was horribly sketchy and the bodies malformed and the color palette was miserable. I think his cape was basically his trench coat but it was hard to tell!

Constantine #3

Juan Jose Ryp, I am not your fan.

Instead of getting snarky with no pants wearing male demons and doing drugs and cursing like a man quickly using up the final reserves of his Vitamin C, John Constantine is playing Indiana Jones and trying to save the world. He's running about the world collecting magical antiquities to store in his pet store basement apartment. I think one of the rules of The New 52 was that the title character had to be heroic in some way (not counting comics with rotating leads). So instead of using magic to find a way to clear up his anal warts, John Constantine is using magic to prevent a future mystic apocalypse. Not a specific one! He's just trying to stop any and all of them from accidentally cropping up. I think that's the main difference between this comic and Hellblazer. In Hellblazer, John would sacrifice his mother to cure a painful cavity. In Constantine, John would simply go to the dentist and send the bill to mom.

Although I really haven't lost faith that this comic book can be as bad-assed as Hellblazer was. Lemire made sure that John sacrificed Chaz Chris in the very first issue to let the fans know John was still going to be a douchebag. It's just John is probably saving his most selfish and horrible acts for matters important to the Many instead of matters important to John. I'm not going to trash this book simply because it doesn't star demon penises anymore.

Not that I know if Hellblazer ever did. But it should have!

John, dear, that isn't just magic people. That's everybody. Everyone reading this commentary thinks they're smarter than me and I know I'm smarter than they are. Um, wait a second. I think I just called myself stupid.

When John lands at the only airport in all of Great Britain, he finds he's fallen under some kind of curse that is causing London itself to kill him. He decides he has ten minutes to find some chump to take the curse for him. I think that means he has to bake a pie, will the curse into the pie, and get some patsy to eat the pie. I hope he makes Shepherd's Pie!

Did The Boy Who Cried Wolf ever have a real name? I bet he was the inspiration behind Shepherd's Pie.

That was my version of the expected Cannibalism Joke on a food item called "Shepherd's Pie." I guess the apostrophe is there to alert people to the fact that the pie is something Shepherd's love and not that the pie is made from Shepherd but fuck you, punctuation, for trying to tell me what to think. I,ll make up my own? ^rules^ t*h*a*n*k*s.

I hope all of that random punctuation doesn't fuck up the HTML Code!

A woman named Jules picks up John at the airport. I wonder if she's hungry for pie?

Oy! Maybe this is how curses get transferred in London! If so then, "Hey Ladies! I can guarantee I'm curse free!"

It seems like John has been suffering from this London Curse longer than this comic has been going on. I guess this is why he's been living in New York. Jules had some protection spells cast on the car to protect John from the Curse. But that didn't keep whoever was after John from casting spells on the world outside of the car. Eventually John and Jules and the little car that couldn't be cursed end up in a Hellish Version of London. It's probably Hell!

They're in the dirty little corner of London's mind.

John and Jules escape when John makes a deal with a creature called The Riddling Butcher and then jump down its throat. What was the deal? I don't know! It was as secret as Red Robin's deal with Amanda Waller! It had to do with Constantine somehow enabling The Riddling Butcher to also escape his chore of hanging visitor's to London's seedy undermind. But I don't now how The Riddling Butcher is supposed to jump down its own throat to escape! Maybe John told him how. It probably involves Yoga.

Back in London, John continues to die and he sends Jules on her way. He tells Jules to kiss her husband and kids for him so maybe he wants Jules to spread the Curse to her husband so that he can have Jules all to himself since he once proposed to her. Except Curses only transfer in Kisses in my stupid head. I mean, they only transfer in reality and not in comic books! So any women out there that think they're cursed, I'm willing to sacrifice my snogger to save your life! Although once I save one person, won't the Curse I accept then be transferred to the next person I kiss so that we'll just trade Curses? Maybe I can get a bunch of feeder fish from the pet store and kiss them one at a time to transfer each Curse I collect. Then I'd have the most awesome aquarium ever full of Cursed Fishies!

After Jules leaves, John walks into a pharmacy and ends up in Sargon's magic circle. Mister E is also there holding the silver cord of the proprietor and threatening to yank it clean out of him if he doesn't give up the Lens. John claims to know where the Lens is and he has the Dial, so it looks like Sargon and Mister E may be ready to strike some kind of deal. They probably think the deal will be that they won't kill John slowly if he tells. But John has probably already set up the trap that will ensnare these two idiots because they think they're smarter than he is. At this point, I imagine they have no chance of winning. Constantine is always better prepared than everybody else and nobody ever gives him credit because he's too casual and he wears a dirty trenchcoat and he's not intimidating and he loves to put on that he's five steps behind. He'll always be the first to throw himself in a magic trap to ensure that his magic trap works. He's the master of misdirection in that everybody should know that he's the master of misdirection because he always does it but still nobody seems to take him seriously! That's good misdirection!

If it's another trick, you've already fallen for it, dumb dumb.

I'm starting to believe that Constantine's main magic trick is being the title character of the comic book and having a direct line to the writer's thoughts! That's how he knows what to do and how to get the best of everybody! He knows what's going to happen before it happens. Lemire and Fawkes are feeding him information. That's hardly fair.

John reveals that the name of the proprietor is Philip Croydon, the son of Angus Croydon. And right when his ten minutes of life he had left before the London Curse kills him are up, he tells them that Philip's eyes are the lens. And then a sudden electrical fire breaks out. And then The Riddling Butcher crashes through a window and vomits on Mister E. The Butcher puts out Croydon's eyes so that nobody can have the compass and then turns his vengeance on Sargon since it was her father that imprisoned him in the Dirty Mind of London. And during John's best friend, Chaos, John simply walks away. And nobody gets the compass.

John hops back into London's Dirty Mind to save himself from the London Curse and escapes back to New York where he prepares for next issue.

I hope he destroys the Cult of the Cold Flame in this first story arc and I never have to hear about them again.

Constantine #3 Rating: No change. People should stop listening to Constantine. Riddling Butchers should stop throwing their lives away for him. Good friend Chrises should stop helping him search for lost objects. Mister Es and Sargons should stop parlaying with him when they have him trapped. The first spell anyone should cast when they encounter Constantine is a spell of deafness on themselves so Constantine's cool and collected charm can't be used against them. Bunch of idiots!

Constantine #2

Come on, DC. You couldn't splurge on some glow-in-the-dark faerie paste?

Last issue, Constantine was on a quest to find the three pieces of Angus Croydon's Compass. Angus Croydon is a nod to Aleister Crowley. Also one of my sources (you're all my sources now! But if anybody threatens me to give you up, I'm giving! Immediately! No journalistic integrity here!) reminded me of the name of John's buddy that I can never, ever remember: Chaz. So I'm pretty sure Lemire and Fawkes were throwing a shout out to Chaz by naming John's first victim friend, Chris. But now John has to travel the world on his own to find the last two pieces of the compass because he allowed Sorceress Stradenko to kill Chris. The reason John could give up Chris so easily is that the compass does Chris's job. So Chris was an idiot to help John out on this one. You never give an inanimate object the chance to steal your shit.

Is a compass actually an inanimate object? Can I call it partially-animate? Or mystically-animate since it uses some kind of hoodoo to tell direction?

This issue begins with John preparing to tell the reader a funny thing about magic. Oh boy!

Hmm. It wasn't that funny. Here's his joke, reinterpreted a bit through somebody else's voice (possibly mine but I can't always be sure about that):

How does a great wizard become truly powerful? Give up everything!

People might interrupt you after you say the "give up" part with a "yes". If they do, shoot them a really hurt look for interrupting your joke and maybe even slap them in the face for being rude.

That joke wasn't very good AND it didn't quite get John's message across. Maybe I should try again!

How does a powerful wizard become truly great? By losing everyone you've ever loved and everything you've ever valued and turning bitter and twisted and rotten and hurt and shameful.

That joke wasn't very good either. I suspect John didn't mean the first definition of funny but the definition of funny that isn't really funny at all!

John's trip to Myanmar for the 2nd piece of the compass doesn't start out so well.

Once John gets kidnapped, he suddenly becomes funny! He makes a bunch of child warrior kidnappers laugh by telling them dirty jokes on the way to his captor. I have to just assume he was telling them dirty jokes because how he made them laugh was edited out of the comic book. They were probably really funny and super dirty and would have been just the sort of thing to make Hellblazer sound mature and adult! I bet some of the jokes were even misogynist but Lemire and Fawkes could have gotten away with it by pointing out that they weren't telling the jokes; Constantine was!

Next Constantine is tied to a chair and meets his captor, the blind Mister E, where he makes even more jokes when Mister E demands to know the location of Croydon's Needle!

Mister E and half of Tumblr don't take kindly to John making fun of Mister E's blindness.

Mister E uses some kind of hypnotism to make John think he's in pain when he acts like he's twisting a silver cord connected to John's soul. Come on, Mister E! Everybody knows souls aren't real things! And silver cords are just new age mumbo jumbo! Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and agree that souls are real, threatening to cut John's soul off from his body is going to attract all of the wrong kinds of attention! There are creatures that can't let John die, you know. You don't know what you're fucking with here, Mister Mister E.

Mister E is basically a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Colonel Sanders.

For being magic types, Constantine's attackers somehow keep forgetting what magic is all about. It's about misdirection. But they've all decided it's about fireballs and disintegration spells and lightning bolts. So they keep trying to overpower Constantine. And while he's playing the victim, his real plans are going on behind his metaphorical mirrors.

And his plan is to tell a joke! Finally! My whole commentary has been building up to one of his jokes!

I don't get it.

After John gets away, The Spectre attacks him. The Spectre is this douchey guy that thinks he can decide who needs to be punished for something they did. He's a real dick to be around. "YOU THREW YOUR GUM WRAPPER ON THE FLOOR! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!" Ugh. Total wank. And he takes his anger out on people in the name of God. As if God cares (or even exists!) that somebody poked another somebody in the eye one time. Leave it alone, Spectre! Let people handle their own problems. Nobody needs you!

Man that guy is a jerk.

The Spectre decides he's going to punish Constantine because The Spectre's host, old whats-his-name Corrigan, knew John's latest sacrifice, Chris. So apparently The Spectre's list of those that need to be judged is run by favours and lobbyists and nepotism. There isn't any Divine Plan to the people The Spectre punishes! And John basically points it out to him when John admits he probably deserves to be punished but he's kind of busy stopping powerful mages from displacing God over here.

This is akin to telling a cop to go catch some real criminals when he pulls you over for running over a couple of school children.

Constantine's bullshit once again wins the day and The Spectre believes him. He heads off to bully some other little magic kid while still not punishing the people that probably really need to be punished. Did I mention The Spectre is a fucktard?

Afterward, John finds Croydon's Dial inside a temple. Now he figures he has a choice. Hide the Dial and get on with his life knowing nobody can use Croydon's Compass without all three parts, or go for the Lens to look like a big shot. I'm pretty sure he's going to go with the big shot plan. And he's going to need to be a big shot because waiting for him in London is a trap set by Sorceress Stradenko: corpses hanging from buildings!

Yeah, I don't know how that's a trap either.

Constantine #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know if I totally buy Constantine talking The Spectre out of whooping some ass though. That Spectre guy is always looking for a reason to parcel out Divine Retribution! John must have really scared him with the line about having to pick up John's slack and do more work if John died. "MORE WORK?! FUCK THAT! YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH, CONSTANTINE! YOU SHALL LIVE AND I WILL GO TAKE A NAP!"

Constantine #1

If this comic book fell through a time warp and landed in the suburbs in the early eighties, it would cause a Twilight Zone necrosis of the neighborhood as everyone began accusing everybody else of being devil worshipers.

I've got a whole stack of Hellblazer Trade Paperbacks to catch up on and here I am about to read Hellblazer Issue #301. I'm going to be real quick about this because I've got my alternate self from another dimension disrobing in the adjacent room where we're going to, umm, read poetry and junk. He's so sexy, guys! You wouldn't believe it. Actually, I should go check in on him instead of reading this comic book.

Oh. Never mind. It was just the full length mirror.

Right from Page One, Fawkes and Lemire begin establishing the perfect mood for this comic book. Constantine puts it all out there right at the beginning for any readers that just popped out of their mother's vaginas and are unfamiliar with this character.

He's a cheat. He's a thief. He's dangerous. And some thing about magic. I think that's new to his character.

Constantine goes on to mention how there's always a price to pay for using magic. The universe somehow needs to balance out the lack of cause when a sudden boon of effects takes place. And this has always been one of the reasons John Constantine has always been so dangerous to not only his enemies but his friends especially. Because John never wants to pay that price. He always seems to find somebody else to pay the price for him. He's a master of avoiding the bill. Maybe he gets a phone call and wanders away from the table. The bathroom is always a good excuse. Sometimes he just disappears. And occasionally he'll take his best friend in the world and shove him into a demon's maw because it's the only option left. He's a right bastard most of the time which makes him consistently one of the most interesting characters in the DC Universe.

Constantine's New York dwelling is quickly established: the sub-basement of a place called Dotty's Pets. The animals help interfere with divination magic which helps keep him cloaked from prying eyes. Constantine is given a patsy friend by the name of Chris that seems to be some kind of conduit for magic. It's painful and he wants John to help stop the pain but why the fuck would John do that? It seems Chris is useful in his condition or why else would John ask Chris to find him when the magical activity and pain begin to act up?

See? Useful.

The Introductory Box makes Constantine sound like he's some noble watcher of the magic, keeping everybody safe. But the part about preventing anyone from getting too powerful sounds about right if you just change the "too" to more and add "than Constantine" in place of the ellipsis.

Turns out Chris has the power to see mystic artifacts. The feeling comes upon him and he's able to map out the location of the object. Constantine has him map it out and then it's a race to the item like an episode of "Tales of the Gold Monkey".

And they're off to find Aleister Crowley's Compass!

Since Constantine doesn't seem to be able to fly a 1930's sea plane, he books a flight on Air Norway in his quest for the Compass. While on the flight, he meets a sexy flight attendant that tries to kill him, learns she works for The Cult of the Cold Flame, locks himself in the bathroom with her, and has an argument in Rune Alien Old Portugese Language Speak.

The argument doesn't end very well for the flight attendant.

To cast a disintegration spell, you need a lot of numbers and/or symbols and/or punctuation since what the flight attendant says is complete gibberish with a bunch of symbols I don't recognize. The same holds true for John's counter-spell. What's the etiquette for leaving an airplane bathroom after having disintegrated somebody? Leave the door open a tad so it'll air out? Shut the door completely so the people in the back row don't choke on the rank fumes? Flush multiple times?

Once John and his sidekick get to Norway, they realize the item they're looking for is in the super ritzy ice hotel that travel shows love to spotlight. Constantine also realizes that the compass is in three parts and they're merely looking for the needle right now. I didn't read the preview in the back of every comic book for the last few weeks, but I did look at it and I think it's about to happen now!

John gets the needle just before Sargon the Sorceress appears! Surprise! I mean, for everyone that hasn't been reading comic books for the last three weeks, "Surprise!" I'll just skip scanning in her picture since you all have a copy of that lying around in at least one comic book somewhere nearby. And if you don't, you have fucking Google.

Oh never mind! Here she is "threatening" John. I put threatening in quotation marks because I'm pretty sure threats involving killing someone other than Constantine don't actually work on Constantine.

I think the answer here is "Fuck you."

Before I get to the part that proves what I've been saying about Constantine from the beginning of this commentary, a piece of advice for Chris in his next incarnation: "When your job is to find magical artifacts for somebody, you don't help them find an artifact that allows them to find magical artifacts."

On the next page, Chris is turned into dozens of bloody chunks.

Constantine gets away with the needle while Sargon throws a gigantic fit and destroys the ice hotel. Now all the PBS travel shows are going to have to find a new destination.

Constantine #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic book at #17 because I'm completely biased when it comes to John Constantine. I've been a fanboy for a long, long time.