Team 7 #7

This may be the dumbest fold-out cover so far. It might be acceptable if Pandora were on the first page and maybe if it said, "Team 7 & Pandora against the rage of Majestic." Maybe.

The big shocker last issue was when Ramos died. Ramos. You know? RAMOS. The pilot? R. A. M. O. S. RAMOS! Sheesh. Maybe you'd remember when Alex Fairchild was killed by his daughter, Caitlin? I wish I had more deaths to point out but that was it. Also, Bronson was transformed into Majestic by the cyber creature Spartan.

The way this issue begins, it proves that I completely didn't understand the previous issue. I thought Spartan was something Team 7's prosthetic research lab had created which got out of control. Maybe that's what happened but maybe not. It seems Gamorra was somehow behind it and Spartan was supposed to target Bronson. But if Gamorra was behind it, why did it activate Bronson's meta-gene and turn him into Majestic when Majestic's first act after the transformation was to destroy Gamorra (as seen in the double splash page on pages 2 and 3 of this issue).

Perhaps Kaizen Gamorra wanted to be attacked by Majestic so he could defeat Majestic and prove himself King of the World?

Or was Spartan the thing created by Lynch to give super powers to all of Team 7? I wonder if I would be following this comic more closely if I was more interested in it? How can I not be completely interested in a team that flies into battle in a giant pink slipper?

The new alive pilot is Steve Trevor.

I guess Team 7 has run out of time on the comic book store shelves, so they decided to shut down Kaizen Gamorra by Issue Seven instead of allowing the island to be the main threat throughout the comic book's run. Plus Lynch states this is the last time Team 7 operated on a unit. Ewww. Oh, wait. Operated "as" a unit.

No, wait wait. I guess he is talking about penises. I think.

The Gamorran soldiers are called Basilisks? So is Basilisk over in Suicide Squad related to Gamorra? Is that why they were supposed to be such a big deal? DC was really trying to give the Wildstorm Universe a chance to shine by making the Daemonites and Basilisk huge threats. Too bad none of the stories they've been in were interesting or well written.

Next Lynch begins discussing fucking puppies and I begin to realize why Team 7 is so horrible. Their leader is an insane zoophile who can't stop referencing penises in his after action battle reports. While Lynch is waxing philosophic about Brazilian waxing kittens, everybody but Dinah Drake is wounded. So Dinah screams in frustration and learns that Bronson wasn't the only person who had a meta-gene activated.

This has got to be the worst depiction of Black Canary I've ever seen. It looks like she's dry heaving after breast enlargement surgery.

According to Lynch's after action reports, during a brief lull in his metaphors for erect penises, he mentions that Gamorra did activate Bronson's gene before Team 7 could even though Team 7 had been planning to do it all along. Why did Gamorra do it? Fuck if I know! I guess that thing about Kaizen Gamorra wanting to kill a God is a good enough excuse.

Eventually using Plan Shoot Everything in the Face and Keep Moving One Foot in Front of the Other, Team 7 reaches the inner sanctum of Kaizen Gamorra's palace where he keeps the bald headed little Oracle children. Hey, I think I remember these guys from a long time ago! These kids decide to show Team 7 a glimpse of the future. I bet it's an empty spot on the comic book shelf among the other comics that begin with "T".

The vision is the cover of this issue: Majestic and Team 7 battling Pandora. And then I realize why Kaizen Gamorra's three eyed skull at the beginning was so familiar. He has Pandora's Box and he seems to have the power to open it. And just as he's about to open it and cause who knows what the fuck to happen, Majestic flies into space, turns about, and speeds down into the Earth causing a massive tidal wave to roll towards the island of Gamorra.

Team 7 #7 Rating: No change. I guess Team 7 has one more issue left? That's my guess anyway. It never held my interest much anyway. Too many characters I didn't care about because there was too little characterization. But most of all, too much Eclipso.

Suicide Squad #19

Why is he defeating them if he's their new leader? This story is going to be stupid, isn't it?

Last issue, Deadshot shot Yo Yo in his Neck Bomb to kill Red Orchid. It was really stupid because there were so many other options to choose from. Deadshot could have shot Red Orchid. Maybe that wouldn't have worked because it would have been like shooting a tree. Well, Yo Yo could have choked her with his elastic neck. Maybe that wouldn't have worked because it would have been like choking a tree. Hmm. Yo Yo could have bitten her head off with his elastic jaw muscles! I bet that would have worked because trees shouldn't have heads.

Shooting the bomb apparently killed Red Orchid and Yo Yo although nobody actually dies in the pages of the Suicide Squad, so Yo Yo will be okay. Besides, he spent weeks in King Shark's belly and was no worse for the digestion. But the entire penthouse came crashing down on the other Squad member's heads. But remember how nobody on the Squad ever dies? Yeah, they'll be okay.

Mere seconds ago, Waller was in Louisiana. Now she's suddenly in Gotham. I hate short cut story telling bullshit like this. Adam Glass, are you proposing I institute my Patented Drop-a-Rank Review System this issue? Because MINUS ONE RANKING!

Waller somehow arrived before the emergency response vehicles emergencily responded to the explosion and before Batman could respond to the Bat Signal. And remember, she was in Louisiana! And Gotham is in North Dakota. Or New Jersey. New York? Michigan? Anyway, it's a long way from Belle Reve! So she must have some super duper travel technology, right? Well if she does, it's one way because the only way for the Squad to escape the building without being seen is by diving into a garbage chute. Which King Shark probably shouldn't have fit into. MINUS ONE RANKING!

Deadshot gets into an argument with Waller because WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM?! And why would she bother heading into the field? That's what I said last issue! It makes no sense! I hate that Waller now has an action history with Team 7 and that she's capable of going on dangerous missions. It just fucks up the character completely. She's a female version of Deathstroke instead of a bad ass bitch that can make even Batman backdown with a raised eyebrow and a subtle threat. Well, maybe not Batman. But she should never go into the field and risk her life!

Except she's totally in love with Kurt Lance so she had to try to rescue him when the Squad failed and Regulus took him. So she shuts off everybody's nanobombs and joins the team to save Kurt.

Except is that really a good idea to shut off their neck bombs? I mean, seriously? Bite her head off, King Shark! Now's your chance! While she's melancholy and nostalgic!

Harley asks why Amanda turns off the "shock collars" (Idiot. They're nanocite bombs!) and Amanda says, "I need you. And if you come with me, I won't forget it." Then King Shark asks what will happen if they don't, Amanda says, "I will get what I came for. Then I will hunt down every one of you and kill you myself." That dialogue is worse than anything Scott Lobdell could have come up with in a majillion years. If Amanda is going to get what she wants even if they don't help her, why does she need them? If she can just force them to help her with the nanocite bomb threat (except Deadshot. He's willing to die), why turn them off and then owe them a favor? Why turn off the bomb and give them a choice when she just threatens to kill them if they don't help her now anyway? Fuck you, Adam Glass, for making Amanda Waller so fucking stupid. MINUS ONE RANKING!

Anyway, they decide to join her for stupid reasons. And even though Amanda took off from Louisiana and arrived almost immediately, just seconds after Regulus escaped with Kurt, Amanda has intel that Regulus is now in the sewers. Oh! That actually maybe makes sense because Black Spider once hunted Regulus in the sewers of Gotham, I think. So it might be old intel. But they need to get away from the Gotham Police anyway, so they might as well head into the sewers.

While trudging through the sewers, Amanda and Harley have a nice heart to heart conversation.

Of course she lost a lot of blood! She walked from Gotham City to Belle Reve! Hey wait a second! Does Adam Glass think Belle Reve is in Gotham City?!

As the group runs through the sewers to investigate gunshots, a mysterious shadow appears on the wall! I knew Yo Yo survived! I mean, I'm pretty sure Yo Yo survived and I'm pretty sure that's his shadow. It's not like Yo Yo would have died anyway. Adam Glass sucks at killing characters.

Meanwhile in New Zealand, some mysterious soldiers are digging OMAC out of the snow. Is that what happened to him after he got out of the hospital since he no longer was reactivated by The Engineer in Stormwatch since that never actually happened due to Adam One being killed immediately after being born?

Now that that nonsense interruption is out of the way, Deadshot and Harley find their teammates unconscious from the Swamp Angels. Were they a gang killed by Regulus or something? Well, now they're made of watery feces and glowing red eyes. They're led by a puddle of poo named Trench and they're probably going to help the Squad find Regulus. Except instead they kidnap Amanda Waller to take to Regulus so he'll stop treating them like shit. Hee hee! How else would he treat them?

Trench tries to drown Voltaic and discovers he can't drown a guy that doesn't need to breathe anymore because he's dead. He then gets shocked by him and dies. Maybe. Then King Shark knocks down the sewers and collapses the streets of Gotham on the Swamp People. And that's when Deadshot begins talking sense. Finally.

When did King Shark care about anything except biting people in the face? I liked him better when he barely spoke.

While they're arguing about how stupid it is to keep their word to Amanda Waller who has done nothing but use them and manipulate them and lie to them constantly, The Unknown Soldier shows up to lecture them about the importance of keeping one's word. It's absolutely like the end of a 1980s G.I. Joe Cartoon. "Now you know! And knowing is how you stop being a despicable scumbag!" The Unknown Soldier knows all about Lawton and, as was seen in that shitty piece of shit G.I. Combat, he's a super duper super soldier and the embodiment of the Biblical Cain. So when Deadshot attacks him, The Unknown Soldier has no problem committing self-defense.

Great. Since nobody actually dies in this comic, is Deadshot going to end up "dead" every few issues? MINUS ONE RANKING!

Suicide Squad #19 Rating: -4 Rankings. Usually this comic has something that I find fun or enjoyable to say about it. But last issue was pretty crappy and this was the worst issue yet. And ending on the "death of Floyd Lawton" a second time? Real powerful, that.

Constantine #2

Come on, DC. You couldn't splurge on some glow-in-the-dark faerie paste?

Last issue, Constantine was on a quest to find the three pieces of Angus Croydon's Compass. Angus Croydon is a nod to Aleister Crowley. Also one of my sources (you're all my sources now! But if anybody threatens me to give you up, I'm giving! Immediately! No journalistic integrity here!) reminded me of the name of John's buddy that I can never, ever remember: Chaz. So I'm pretty sure Lemire and Fawkes were throwing a shout out to Chaz by naming John's first victim friend, Chris. But now John has to travel the world on his own to find the last two pieces of the compass because he allowed Sorceress Stradenko to kill Chris. The reason John could give up Chris so easily is that the compass does Chris's job. So Chris was an idiot to help John out on this one. You never give an inanimate object the chance to steal your shit.

Is a compass actually an inanimate object? Can I call it partially-animate? Or mystically-animate since it uses some kind of hoodoo to tell direction?

This issue begins with John preparing to tell the reader a funny thing about magic. Oh boy!

Hmm. It wasn't that funny. Here's his joke, reinterpreted a bit through somebody else's voice (possibly mine but I can't always be sure about that):

How does a great wizard become truly powerful? Give up everything!

People might interrupt you after you say the "give up" part with a "yes". If they do, shoot them a really hurt look for interrupting your joke and maybe even slap them in the face for being rude.

That joke wasn't very good AND it didn't quite get John's message across. Maybe I should try again!

How does a powerful wizard become truly great? By losing everyone you've ever loved and everything you've ever valued and turning bitter and twisted and rotten and hurt and shameful.

That joke wasn't very good either. I suspect John didn't mean the first definition of funny but the definition of funny that isn't really funny at all!

John's trip to Myanmar for the 2nd piece of the compass doesn't start out so well.

Once John gets kidnapped, he suddenly becomes funny! He makes a bunch of child warrior kidnappers laugh by telling them dirty jokes on the way to his captor. I have to just assume he was telling them dirty jokes because how he made them laugh was edited out of the comic book. They were probably really funny and super dirty and would have been just the sort of thing to make Hellblazer sound mature and adult! I bet some of the jokes were even misogynist but Lemire and Fawkes could have gotten away with it by pointing out that they weren't telling the jokes; Constantine was!

Next Constantine is tied to a chair and meets his captor, the blind Mister E, where he makes even more jokes when Mister E demands to know the location of Croydon's Needle!

Mister E and half of Tumblr don't take kindly to John making fun of Mister E's blindness.

Mister E uses some kind of hypnotism to make John think he's in pain when he acts like he's twisting a silver cord connected to John's soul. Come on, Mister E! Everybody knows souls aren't real things! And silver cords are just new age mumbo jumbo! Even if I give you the benefit of the doubt and agree that souls are real, threatening to cut John's soul off from his body is going to attract all of the wrong kinds of attention! There are creatures that can't let John die, you know. You don't know what you're fucking with here, Mister Mister E.

Mister E is basically a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Colonel Sanders.

For being magic types, Constantine's attackers somehow keep forgetting what magic is all about. It's about misdirection. But they've all decided it's about fireballs and disintegration spells and lightning bolts. So they keep trying to overpower Constantine. And while he's playing the victim, his real plans are going on behind his metaphorical mirrors.

And his plan is to tell a joke! Finally! My whole commentary has been building up to one of his jokes!

I don't get it.

After John gets away, The Spectre attacks him. The Spectre is this douchey guy that thinks he can decide who needs to be punished for something they did. He's a real dick to be around. "YOU THREW YOUR GUM WRAPPER ON THE FLOOR! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!" Ugh. Total wank. And he takes his anger out on people in the name of God. As if God cares (or even exists!) that somebody poked another somebody in the eye one time. Leave it alone, Spectre! Let people handle their own problems. Nobody needs you!

Man that guy is a jerk.

The Spectre decides he's going to punish Constantine because The Spectre's host, old whats-his-name Corrigan, knew John's latest sacrifice, Chris. So apparently The Spectre's list of those that need to be judged is run by favours and lobbyists and nepotism. There isn't any Divine Plan to the people The Spectre punishes! And John basically points it out to him when John admits he probably deserves to be punished but he's kind of busy stopping powerful mages from displacing God over here.

This is akin to telling a cop to go catch some real criminals when he pulls you over for running over a couple of school children.

Constantine's bullshit once again wins the day and The Spectre believes him. He heads off to bully some other little magic kid while still not punishing the people that probably really need to be punished. Did I mention The Spectre is a fucktard?

Afterward, John finds Croydon's Dial inside a temple. Now he figures he has a choice. Hide the Dial and get on with his life knowing nobody can use Croydon's Compass without all three parts, or go for the Lens to look like a big shot. I'm pretty sure he's going to go with the big shot plan. And he's going to need to be a big shot because waiting for him in London is a trap set by Sorceress Stradenko: corpses hanging from buildings!

Yeah, I don't know how that's a trap either.

Constantine #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know if I totally buy Constantine talking The Spectre out of whooping some ass though. That Spectre guy is always looking for a reason to parcel out Divine Retribution! John must have really scared him with the line about having to pick up John's slack and do more work if John died. "MORE WORK?! FUCK THAT! YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH, CONSTANTINE! YOU SHALL LIVE AND I WILL GO TAKE A NAP!"

Superboy #19

Yes, but what about the third strand of DNA?! Jimmy Olsen?

At the end of the last issue, Dr. Psycho had found himself astrally projected into Superboy's lungs where he encountered a mini-hologram or nanobot of Lex Luthor. While that was going on inside of him, Superboy was busy fighting Plasmus because Plasmus was trying to rob the same bank that Superboy had robbed earlier in the year and Superboy now knows that that was wrong. But the most important part was that Lex Luthor was going to explain Superboy's origin and unravel the mystery of his DNA! I hope Scott Lobdell remembered that was how the last issue ended!

Does Scott Lobdell even know that comic book stories are allowed to continue from one issue to the next?

Okay. Forget Dr. Psycho. Forget Nanobot/hologramatic/miniaturized Lex Luthor. Let's just go with Harvest telling the reader the secret of Superboy. And, I guess, the secret of himself. But why now? Why is Harvest suddenly telling his story? And I'm not so sure Scott Lobdell should be telling that story! He's sure to get a bunch of his facts wrong. Like I'm sure he'll have forgotten how many times I said Harvest was futuristic vampire Tim Drake and he'll screw up and make Harvest somebody else!

Also, who are these new people being introduced at the beginning of the comic book?! I want to see fucking Plasmus puke on Superboy some more!

This Colonel guy is Harvest. This is the 30th Century. There is a war between Metas and Normies. This is another alternate fucking timeline story. At least Scott Lobdell realizes he can't keep anything straight in normal continuity so he constantly cheats and makes up timelines that will eventually cease to exist. Colonel Harvest's child, Venn Diaphragm, was the only thing he ever truly loved. His wife was dog shit on his heel compared to his love for his son! But then one day, the Metas kidnapped the child, ate his gonads, and left his body to rot in the sun. The day Colonel Harvest lost his most cherished connection to humanity was the day he made a decision.

The Metas also ate all of his clothing.

But don't think that Colonel Harvest went into this massacre with vile intentions!

Which is why he devised a plan to make young metas fight each other to the death!

I can't believe Scott Lobdell hasn't called something an "omni"-something or other yet. He's omnislacking.

NO! Bad Colonel Harvest! BAD! Scott Lobdell is not good with time travel stories!

Unless Colonel Harvest goes back in time to create Superboy and Superboy is the reason that the metas take over the 30th Century and begin killing everybody, this time travel story is stupid and broken. Oh, guess what? That isn't going to happen because Colonel Harvest comes from a dead future timeline. The "real" future timeline is the one where the Legion of Super-heroes takes place.

Look. I'm taking this whole New 52 thing as literally as possible. DC set it up. They set up the parameters. They wanted to make things more coherent and less confusing. So they're the ones fucking up the whole paradigm by doing so many time travel stories especially since they declared time travel broken early on. You know why time travel was supposed to be off-limits when The New 52 began? Because time travel and alternate timelines is simply another way to make infinite universes and dimensions. The reason Earth 2 is different than Earth Prime? Because somewhere in the past, something happened (Mr. Mind was hungry!) and things went a different way. Earth 2 is merely a different timeline than Earth Prime. That's how you get these 52 alternate Earths. But guess how many alternate Earths there must be in the 30th Century?! The New Billion! Because DC keeps allowing this bullshit and fucking with their own model. Idiots.

Colonel Harvest's timeline stems from a past where Superman and Lois Lane had a child. This child had super super powers because he was born under a yellow sun instead of just migrating to one. He also somehow didn't kick his way out of Lois's womb, killing mother and child before he could be born.

But then the kid "died" because Lois's genes were incompatible with Clark's genes. And Superman became omnisad and omnihid inside his omnifortress. But Colonel Harvest knew the kid could be saved and collected and taken back in time on his slow backwards tour through reality. Or, um, "reality."

I'm not sure how the law works but I think if you take a baby backwards through time, it's technically not kidnapping.

Except Harvest doesn't take him either way through time. He just begins raising him as his own child while Superman and Lois Lane hid in their Fortress of Near Solitude. Colonel Harvest and Jon Kent (JoKe-El, in Kryptonian) defeated all of the metas. But then Jon's cells began rebelling again and Colonel Harvest needed to go back into the past where Superman and Lois Lane could still be found. They were the only chance to heal him. So he went back in time again.

Harvest's super duper abilities are also explained as his making "use of all the amazing technology" he had acquired during his journey through time. I guess he just stuck it all in a backpack. Too bad he didn't have a time bubble. Oh wait! He did! Or he had did? Because he certainly doesn't have one now.

Harvest begins wearing a mask because he apparently doesn't actually look like a vampire red dot faced dick. That's too bad. That was his most interesting aspect. He also creates the clone Superboy out of the DNA of three people although he doesn't say who they're from. I suppose Lois and Superman since the clone is supposed to somehow save Jon someday. Maybe the third strand is from himself since he's desperate to be a father again. Colonel Harvest creates N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to take care of Superboy and then he hides Jon in a dumpster out back until he's ready to be healed.

That's because you're the same person! Colonel Harvest just doesn't know it yet because he's confused and muddled from time travel!

Five years before it happens, Colonel Harvest witnesses Superman kiss Wonder Woman. Somehow that moment makes him realize that time can be changed. Even though that's why he came back in time. To, you know, change it. Wow. He's a fucking genius, that one.

Fucking Scott Lobdell. Different characters are supposed to be different. Stop having every single fucking character you write describe something or other as "so-called".

Anyway, let's return to "NOW". Superboy is still fighting Plasmus as Colonel Harvest watches from afar because he has cameras inside every one of Superboy's cells. Apparently these cameras can pick up astral projections and subliminal thoughts.

Holy shit, you suck at writing comic books, Scott Lobdell.

First off, the Lex Luthor projection never told Dr. Psycho that he was going to reveal the secret of Superboy nor did he actually introduce himself. So Dr. Psycho must know this information because he can read "Next Month in Superboy" tags when they're in the same panel as he is. Lex Luthor actually said, "Finally. I have been waiting for you. It is time for you to learn who you are." Which should mean that Dr. Psycho should have thought Lex had some Secret Origin News about Dr. Psycho himself! And then for Lex's "subliminal thought" to respond? What the fuck is that? And to say that Dr. Psycho misunderstood because they were going to have a tea party investigation and frolic through Superboy discovering the mystery together? This isn't quite as bad as the lead up to nothing that was the Oracle storyline. But it's pretty much crap. It's typical of Lobdell though. If he can't figure out how to continue the story that he wasn't planning anyway, he just dumps it for something else while making up a shit excuse about the previous issue.

Superboy defeats Plasmus as an aside and thinks he might not quite be recovered from the DNA unraveling he caught in Metropolis. And whatever H'el did to Superboy, apparently it began the process that will allow Harvest to utilize Superboy to save Joke-El. Here's what Harvest says about H'el's power initiating the process. It's classic and beautiful.

"I alone know that he's completely unaware H'el's intrusion into Superboy's genome has initiated the process that will finally allow me to reanimate my son."

I love it. Harvest is the only one that knows Superboy is unaware of the process! Pure genius with the languagical skills!

Anyway. There you have it. The Secret Origin of Harvest revealed! I can see Scott Lobdell did a lot of rethinking about the Superboy and Culling storylines to come up with something that is at least coherent in the parameters of a crappy time travel drama.

Superboy #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I can live with this explanation. At least they fucking finally explained some shit in this comic book. But this is crap that should have been slowly explained all along instead of getting to a place where the story of Superboy and Harvest made no fucking sense so it was time to explicate it somehow. If told across all these issues, it might seem reasonable. But when thrown at the reader in one issue that relies heavily on alternate realities and different timelines, it can only be read as scrambling to finish a project that wasn't started until the night before it was due. And because of that, it doesn't ring true to the previous stories with Harvest. Like why would Harvest have had a Time Bubble? And how come Harvest knows only so much history up until Captain Adym goes back in time? And why would Captain Adym be surprised by Colonel Harvest's identity when he's actually a nobody? Not to mention how could he time travel post-Flashpoint. That I can actually accept though. One guy gets some kind of Chronal Virus or something and slowly travels backward through time? Sure, I can accept my slightly altered take on it.

But basically, I can live with this rewrite where Scott Lobdell had a sudden inspiration to fit it all together so he wedged it into the story and had Harvest overly narrate the entire thing. I hate to though since it involves a Joke-El from an alternate timeline. But who am I to complain when I now have a character I get to call Joke-El?! That's magic! (For those precious few that didn't understand that, "JOn KEnt"? See? JOKE?) The main thing I'm disappointed with is that Harvest is a nobody. I still think he can somehow end up being Tim Drake. It wouldn't be any more complicated than Cable's history! I think.

Batgirl #19

I guessed the 2nd half would say, "Will Batgirl have to kill?" Close enough. Although this "ultimate crime" might refer to incest, so then I wasn't close at all!

The Following are Excerpts of Batgirl's Daily Life as Seen Through Various Notes To and From Barbara and the People in Her Life.

Dear Barbara Barbara Gordon,

Stop writing inane shit inside of me. I've had it up to my penultimate page with your Batgirl fantasies and problems with your lack of males lips and tongues all over you. You're a hot, nubile young woman. Why aren't these pages filled with random encounters of hot young Gotham studs? Are you frigid? Are you a prude? Perhaps you're mentally ill and truly do think you're Batgirl. Well you know what? Until you get some juicy sex stories, some real panty wetters, I refuse to let you write in me any more. I'm flushing the remaining pages into the toilet so you can no longer abuse me with your rambling bullshit.

Truly Yours,
Your Diary.

P.S. Sorry about overflowing your toilet. Who knew you couldn't flush down a ream of paper at one time? I've convinced Alysia to clean it up for me and take care of the sopping clothes. Sorry. Sorry!


Dear Alysia,

Stop eating everything out of me! I'm tired of you running your tongue along the crisper to pick up any crumbs that have fallen down from higher shelves. And the face you make shoving it all in as you lean halfway into me? Nauseating! But mostly please stop eating all of the ice cream snacks in the boxes in the freezer that have clearly been labeled with post-it notes of Batgirl's face and waggling finger which say, "Batgirl says only you can prevent fat roommates from eating seriously sexy and barely chunky at all roommate's ice cream sandwiches!" Perhaps you would prefer some of those nice fruits sitting on the counter across the way? And perhaps water that doesn't belong to anybody to wash it down instead of the Diet Coke with the Batman stickers on it which say, "Batman always says: 'Drink your own soda! Don't be Dick!'" Which is kind of funny when you think about how Batman was a Dick for a full year! Oh wait. Never mind that part, Alysia. Thanks for listening!

With Much Caring and Love,
The Refrigerator


Dear Babs,

Can you please stop standing on me? Every day, it hurts more and more. Let me provide you with a simple mathematical equation that you can do each morning that will prevent the need to stand on me every morning with shower water running out of your hoo-ha and all over my face. "Weight + 5 = Today's Weight." Just do that every morning and let me rest in peace while I fantasize about Alysia's luscious, naked body mounting me later in the evening. Thanks for being so sweet!

Kisses and Mild Hostilities,
The Bathroom Scale


Dearest Alysia,

What on God's Blue Marble have you been eating every day?! The other bathroom fixtures are beginning to blame me for the horrible, gag inducing smells that permeate the bathroom on a twice daily basis. I try my best to flush down the colossal mound of barely solid putrefaction you explode into my bowl, but I just can't get it down fast enough. You have to realize there's a problem when even the pillowcases in Bab's room retain the wretched odor from your over-sized bowel movements. The fact that the stink can...oh my GOD ALYSIA HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING ON MY PILLOWS?!

Vomiting Up Breakfast,
The Toilet


Dear Barbara,

I understand telling Alysia all about how The Joker once crippled you and then the Joker came back to cripple you and that your brother is a homicidal maniac was difficult, but did you have to eat the whole tray of cookies while you did it?! Alysia had some pretty emotionally vulnerable stuff to get off her chest as well and she would have liked to have consoled herself with a few of the cookies she made with her own two hands for her one single stomach. I suppose it's okay though since you need the extra calories to maintain that sturdy frame you're carrying around.

Not Judging Too Much,
The Cookie Tray


To Whom It May Concern (Mostly Alysia),

Babs is sorry she had to rush out and fight imaginary crime immediately after you revealed you were transgender but she really doesn't want you to think it was because she was feeling awkward or weird, especially since your pussy was in her lap. It's just that she has a bunch of other secrets that she's not willing to tell you because it could compromise some other very important flying rodents in the rest of the city and she can't take responsibility for that. She just wants you to know that you guys are cool and she may have said something about how the only thing she's disappointed with is that she can't borrow your pants because they just fall right off of her.

Lots of Love,
Babs' Cell Phone


To: Barbara Gordo,

I'm pretty sure when you said you couldn't borrow an article of Alysia's clothing because it kept falling off, you meant me.

Sincerely,
Alysia's Bra.


Dear Diary,

Alysia can't know what happened tonight. I still need to protect her from knowing my secret identity. Luckily she just thinks I have an infatuation with the idea of being another person. My brother tried to kill me tonight and he almost succeeded. But then he threatened Alysia and since she's the best character in the universe, and because it would be my responsibility for not hiding my identity well enough, I couldn't let him kill me. Mom was there. He wanted to hurt the whole family. But then mom shot him and he still didn't go down. And he nearly cracked my skull. And then he had a knife to mom's throat. And I just needed my family to be safe. My whole family. Mom. Dad. Alysia. Alaska. Dick. Dick's dick. Everyone safe. That was all I needed at that moment and so I took the shot.

What's the opposite of an oracle? Someone who talks about the past? A historian? Someone who hides the future? The Obfuscator?

But even sending James to his watery grave (which he will, eventually, crawl back out of. So I don't know why I'm kicking myself about murdering somebody! Villains never stay dead!) wasn't the worst part of the night. Dad came to the family meeting. Dad saw what Batgirl did. And now Dad thinks Batgirl is a heinous murderer. I wish I could just tell him my secret identity! But the first thing he'll do is grab a shotgun and go after Batman for contributing to the delinquency of a minor! Well, and I don't write this lightly Diary (in fact I'm going to press down really, really hard as I write it): FUCK.

Batgirl #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really like the fact that Simone is going to be highlighting Alysia a fuckload more because you don't make a minor character transgender and then forget about her. And Alysia is my favorite character in the DCnU! I've been claiming that since she first appeared, all y'all jumping on the Alysia Yeoh bandwagon! Well shit. The more the merrier, I guess! Let's get this bandwagon rocking! And then maybe puking. And then it'll have to take a bunch of aspirin and sleep in late. I'm not really keen on Batgirl being seen as an enemy of her father's but I do hope the James Jr. future storylines kick ass when he comes back in a wheelchair. Or with cyber-legs. Or spliced onto the back of a water buffalo.

Batman #19

I thought it was going to be the IRS.

Bruce Wayne has had enough time to grieve over Damian. He should be completely back to normal now, dating lots of cheap women and buying up lots of sexy property. I just have a few last questions about the death of Robin. What did Bruce Wayne tell people about Damian's death? According to Channel 52, everybody knows that Robin died. So is anybody asking any questions about how coincidental it was that Robin and Bruce Wayne's son died about the same time? Is anybody investigating Bruce Wayne on child endangerment or neglect charges? Maybe Gordon is going to check it out this issue and that's why he's suddenly become Bruce Wayne's greatest foe. Or else this is just more stupid bullshit like the Jimmy Olsen cover over in Action Comics.

This issue begins with Gordon and all the police that Gotham could spare surrounding a bank being robbed by Bruce Wayne. "It's probably just a guy in a mask!" the astute reader proclaims as he takes another hit of Mountain Dew. "Not so fast!" challenges Scott Snyder as he quickly writes up some dialogue between Bullock and Gordon about having gotten some "lab work" back that proves beyond a snowball's shadow of a doubt in hell that the person inside robbing the bank and killing hostages is definitely Bruce Wayne. "My God! Damian's death must have really cracked him up!" exclaims the reader now thoroughly convinced that this must be Bruce Wayne because science said so! But then some other readers have probably just set down Action Comics utterly disappointed at the whole Jimmy Olsen cock up who are snorting and clucking their tongues and shouting at the walls, "Fuck you, DC! Why am I still buying your comic books after this New 52 bullshit where you shaved off Lawton's mustache and denied Wally West his position as the best Flash ever! You will rue the day! RUE IT!"

I, on the whatever hand I'm on, believe it is Rex Mason and he's gone insane from the imminent death of Element Girl in a future issue of Justice League of America! And the woman he's holding hostage is Sapphire Stagg and she's in on it with him! You have to admit that's more plausible than Bruce Wayne actually perpetrating this crime.

Oh look! Even Jim is beginning to figure it out!

I'm a full step ahead of Jim Gordon because he trusts science. But I know science is full of lying scientists that are just trying to make people who believe in God feel bad. I also don't think Harvey Bullock is very good at reading so he probably read the lab work results incorrectly. It's too bad Gordon puts his trust in science and in Harvey and in his friendship with Bruce Wayne instead of Jesus and/or his gun because it costs him dearly.

I guess we know who is going to be the new Oracle now!

As Gordon is lying on the ground smoking and dying, he notices the Bat Symbol underneath Bruce Wayne's shirt and probably thinks, "For a day with a lot of shocks, that has got to be the biggest of them all!" But it's not! Because the next thing Bruce does is run over Gordon's stomach on his motorcycle. Ha ha! Take that, Commissioner Pig!

That scene ends and the next one begins with the date stamp of Six Days Ago. So now I guess we get to find out why Bruce Wayne is being such a dick and how it all works out in the end and Gordon somehow survives what just happened to him without needing a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Six days ago, Batman was fighting with a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. No, no. Six days ago, Batman was watching an old video of himself fighting a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. Robin appears and sniffs the flowers and is then told by Batman that they've been poisoned. But everybody remains calm because super heroes never die and they have plenty of time to take the antidote. Apparently Batman records all of his adventures. He's probably planning to sell them all to Dark Horse Comics when he retires. Alfred comes down to check on him and make sure he isn't training a new boy already.

I don't think Batman has forgiven Alfred yet for allowing Damian to leave the Bat Cave the night Damian died.

Batman learns that an employee of Wayne Industries has recently killed himself and Batman finds it incomprehensible so he looks into the matter. The man, Brian Wade, was recently being investigated on murder charges. The police had plenty of lab work proving that it was him but Batman can't believe it. So now Batman has to investigate and hope he doesn't end up committing a bank robbery and murder and then going home and killing himself!

Batman's investigation turns up some evidence that Wade wasn't in town the week of the murders and it also turns up a guy that looks like Wade. The guy that looks like Wade uses a weapon that looks like a flamethrower. He gets away from Batman, leaving Batman to go back to relying on his lousy detective work. But it's a good thing the Bat Computer does good detective work because it figures out that the blood on Batman's batarang that had been lodged in Wade's skull has trace amounts of Clayface in it. After that, Bruce Wayne gives the readers a lesson on shape-shifters in other cultures before wondering, "Who's DNA will he absorb next?"

Oh! I know how Batman is going to defeat this newly mutated Clayface! Bukkake! The multiple types of DNA splashed on Clayface all at once will cause him to freak out and go into shock whereby he can be crated up and sent to Arkham.

But before that happens, Clayface needs to get Bruce to swallow his DNA tube.

Why do all of these Batman books devolve into semen flinging contests? I guess that's what happens when the super hero's name is a type of phallus. Or a winged rodent, I guess.

Now Clayface has Bruce's DNA and he'll be able to rob banks and shoot Commissioners as Bruce Wayne! I'm not sure how the DNA enables Clayface to change his undershirt into Batman's costume.

The back-up story has Superman paying a visit to Gotham City.

Batman doesn't want to talk about it because eventually Superman is simply going to say, "Why the fuck were you dragging a ten year old into life-threatening situations, you stupid bastard?"

Batman and Superman investigate some Lovecraftian shit going down in The Narrows and eventually run into a sanity draining version of Slimer.

And Batman still won't open up to Superman.

Batman #19 Rating: No change. I should probably go out and buy the Injustice Video Game later and play as Aquaman the entire time simply to enjoy watching him get his ass handed to him by everybody else. Even Green Arrow! That had nothing to do with Batman but what the fuck more can I say about Batman? It's still good. Maybe this title needs Tom DeFalco on it to shake things up a bit and keep me guessing.

Action Comics #19

I should probably start guessing at what the big twist is going to be on the 2nd half of the covers. I probably would have guessed Batman!

I don't know anything about Andy Diggle but since he already quit this comic book, it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that the only things I've heard so far are that Tony S. Daniel or Scott Lobdell (perhaps first one, then the other) are going to be taking over the writing duties for this comic book. And that is just horribly sad and depressing news. So far in The New 52, Tony S. Daniel was responsible for The Dark Knight filled with confusing layouts and terrible writing ("Two-Face no longer. You can call me One-Face now!"?). The Savage Hawkman was also confusing and not very interesting although it was Rob Liefeld who really wrecked that one. And I won't go over all the comic books that Scott Lobdell has ruined. But I'm fairly certain I've given him credit for writing one decent scene across all of his books so far. So I'm not very hopeful for the future of Action Comics.

The Action begins one year ago in a bar in Qurac as Lois and Clark are busy with doing actual investigative reporting. Some of you younger kids might not know what that is. It's where the reporters don't just gather in a room to hear the official press release and then everybody reports the press release even if it's obviously all lies and obfuscation. See, in the old days, reporters would hear bullshit and then they'd investigate that bullshit and then they'd put politicians toes to the fire and expose them for the fucktards they really are. Nowadays, the press actually wonder if it's their job to dig out the truth of statements they report on. Fuck them. Fuck them all!

Shouldn't Clark get his own symbol for a Narration Box? Like a pair of glasses? Or a tie? Because that is not fucking Superman speaking there.

I can't tell if Clark is making a joke with that all thumbs thing since most people text using only their thumbs. He is a fairly self-effacing droll character. Plus he's humble! I like how he pretends to hang out at the bar all day while he's really probably helping Lois get the story and save the prisoners as Superman. Or Super Sheik since he probably had to be in disguise.

I suppose this is one year ago since Superman recently lost his job at the Daily Planet in Lobdell's Superman. Because Clark Kent didn't scream like a girl and hide under the bed when the area was bombed the night before, Lois is completely turned on by his brave manliness. I bet if he changed a tire right about now, she'd pull up her skirt and jump on his face. Instead, she tries to take his glasses off and almost discovers his secret identity! But instead of removing his glasses, Clark gets a message to meet a contact and he's off. I bet the contact is Batman!

As soon as Clark is out the door, Lois is hit on by Jon Carroll. I think that's the guy she's dating over in Superman! Unless she was dating him in Action Comics. So basically Clark Kent got Lois all hot but he took off just before she made her move and this other guy swept in and got all of Kent's action. That's a pretty smart move, Jon Carroll! Meanwhile, Clark is out in the alley taking off his clothes all by himself. Yeesh. I bet Batman is going to be surprised!

Superman's contact's note sends him off to a Quraci dock to destroy a cache of weapons. When he arrives, some war machines are waiting for him! I bet Batman set it up to test Superman's strength for future reference!

Why am I so obsessed with Batman being a part of this comic book? Well, who else would Superman trust to find the best information?

Anyway, Superman defeats the War Machines after about nine pages of showing what Superman can do and some of the weapons that throw him off balance. When he's done breaking them apart, he goes to interrogate one of the pilots.

Subdermal thermite? That can't be comfortable.

So that's the big surprise cover? Over in one page? Jimmy Olsen isn't actually Jimmy Olsen? At this point, I have to wonder how much of this comic was actually written by Andy Diggle and how much was just Tony Daniel and Editorial taking over after Diggle walked. Not that I know Diggle's style. But this Jimmy Olsen reveal makes it seem like the cover's big surprise might have been part of a different story. And the fact that nine pages were taken up by a fight scene reminds me of some shitty aspects of early Hawkman. Perhaps the Jimmy Olsen thing will make more sense when I find out who sent these War Machines after Superman.

Lex Luthor appears on the next page probably because he's the one behind it but more probably because he's the one that everyone probably expected to be Superman's "greatest enemy". Except these covers were advertised as WTF Covers and they're supposed to reveal some kind of surprise twist. And Lex Luthor as Superman's enemy is never a surprise!

The cover would have been more shocking if they showed Lex Luthor plotting and then on the flip side show his shrink taking notes.

So Superman is brave and strong and Lex Luthor is smart and manipulative. Got it! I'm ready for these two to go at it now!

Lex Luthor's plot was to stick some nanites in Superman during the battle with the War Machines. Now Lex can recode Superman's DNA at will. Which doesn't really make much sense. But then it's Lex Luthor and he's much smarter than me. More smarter than me? Mostly smarterer than me? Anyway, the nanites decide to change the gene sequences in Superman's hand so that they're the genes of a lizard and then the nanites activate those genes to grow into a lizard hand and then Superman's hand reforms into a lizard hand. That's totally how science works!

You know, if this were just some X-men x-Gene activation, I wouldn't fucking question it at all!

I would have done this to his cock.

Oh, by the way, that was the last panel and it took up two pages. Good old Tony S. Daniel!

There is no back-up story because that story took 25 pages. But usually the $3.99 books are 28 pages! So what does DC do with the final two pages? Well, one page informs the reader that this story continues in Action Comics #20 and #21. Fuck yeah! I was wondering where to find the end of this story! That was worth the wasted fucking page. The next page shows Superman in his Black Suit with a red sun and machines flying in the sky behind him with the tag, "THEN THINGS TO COME...". And then the last page shows an alternate version of the variant cover that shows Lex and Jimmy and Lois and Superman and another woman that didn't make it into this story. Probably because Andy Diggle quit and didn't tell anybody what her role was in the story he was writing.

Action Comics #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like that Superman and Lex Luthor are going to face off. But I didn't care for the pacing of this comic book at all. And I'll never give a comic book a good rating when they make me pay for their bullshit ads and looks at variant covers as part of the cover price. Throw those in for free if you want to add extra pages. But don't sell me a 25 page story for a 28 page story price. I was a little more lenient with this early on in The New 52 before I really became comfortable with the standard lengths. But now I have expectations and DC needs to meet those expectations or refund my fucking money! Bastards!