Batgirl #19

I guessed the 2nd half would say, "Will Batgirl have to kill?" Close enough. Although this "ultimate crime" might refer to incest, so then I wasn't close at all!

The Following are Excerpts of Batgirl's Daily Life as Seen Through Various Notes To and From Barbara and the People in Her Life.

Dear Barbara Barbara Gordon,

Stop writing inane shit inside of me. I've had it up to my penultimate page with your Batgirl fantasies and problems with your lack of males lips and tongues all over you. You're a hot, nubile young woman. Why aren't these pages filled with random encounters of hot young Gotham studs? Are you frigid? Are you a prude? Perhaps you're mentally ill and truly do think you're Batgirl. Well you know what? Until you get some juicy sex stories, some real panty wetters, I refuse to let you write in me any more. I'm flushing the remaining pages into the toilet so you can no longer abuse me with your rambling bullshit.

Truly Yours,
Your Diary.

P.S. Sorry about overflowing your toilet. Who knew you couldn't flush down a ream of paper at one time? I've convinced Alysia to clean it up for me and take care of the sopping clothes. Sorry. Sorry!


Dear Alysia,

Stop eating everything out of me! I'm tired of you running your tongue along the crisper to pick up any crumbs that have fallen down from higher shelves. And the face you make shoving it all in as you lean halfway into me? Nauseating! But mostly please stop eating all of the ice cream snacks in the boxes in the freezer that have clearly been labeled with post-it notes of Batgirl's face and waggling finger which say, "Batgirl says only you can prevent fat roommates from eating seriously sexy and barely chunky at all roommate's ice cream sandwiches!" Perhaps you would prefer some of those nice fruits sitting on the counter across the way? And perhaps water that doesn't belong to anybody to wash it down instead of the Diet Coke with the Batman stickers on it which say, "Batman always says: 'Drink your own soda! Don't be Dick!'" Which is kind of funny when you think about how Batman was a Dick for a full year! Oh wait. Never mind that part, Alysia. Thanks for listening!

With Much Caring and Love,
The Refrigerator


Dear Babs,

Can you please stop standing on me? Every day, it hurts more and more. Let me provide you with a simple mathematical equation that you can do each morning that will prevent the need to stand on me every morning with shower water running out of your hoo-ha and all over my face. "Weight + 5 = Today's Weight." Just do that every morning and let me rest in peace while I fantasize about Alysia's luscious, naked body mounting me later in the evening. Thanks for being so sweet!

Kisses and Mild Hostilities,
The Bathroom Scale


Dearest Alysia,

What on God's Blue Marble have you been eating every day?! The other bathroom fixtures are beginning to blame me for the horrible, gag inducing smells that permeate the bathroom on a twice daily basis. I try my best to flush down the colossal mound of barely solid putrefaction you explode into my bowl, but I just can't get it down fast enough. You have to realize there's a problem when even the pillowcases in Bab's room retain the wretched odor from your over-sized bowel movements. The fact that the stink can...oh my GOD ALYSIA HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING ON MY PILLOWS?!

Vomiting Up Breakfast,
The Toilet


Dear Barbara,

I understand telling Alysia all about how The Joker once crippled you and then the Joker came back to cripple you and that your brother is a homicidal maniac was difficult, but did you have to eat the whole tray of cookies while you did it?! Alysia had some pretty emotionally vulnerable stuff to get off her chest as well and she would have liked to have consoled herself with a few of the cookies she made with her own two hands for her one single stomach. I suppose it's okay though since you need the extra calories to maintain that sturdy frame you're carrying around.

Not Judging Too Much,
The Cookie Tray


To Whom It May Concern (Mostly Alysia),

Babs is sorry she had to rush out and fight imaginary crime immediately after you revealed you were transgender but she really doesn't want you to think it was because she was feeling awkward or weird, especially since your pussy was in her lap. It's just that she has a bunch of other secrets that she's not willing to tell you because it could compromise some other very important flying rodents in the rest of the city and she can't take responsibility for that. She just wants you to know that you guys are cool and she may have said something about how the only thing she's disappointed with is that she can't borrow your pants because they just fall right off of her.

Lots of Love,
Babs' Cell Phone


To: Barbara Gordo,

I'm pretty sure when you said you couldn't borrow an article of Alysia's clothing because it kept falling off, you meant me.

Sincerely,
Alysia's Bra.


Dear Diary,

Alysia can't know what happened tonight. I still need to protect her from knowing my secret identity. Luckily she just thinks I have an infatuation with the idea of being another person. My brother tried to kill me tonight and he almost succeeded. But then he threatened Alysia and since she's the best character in the universe, and because it would be my responsibility for not hiding my identity well enough, I couldn't let him kill me. Mom was there. He wanted to hurt the whole family. But then mom shot him and he still didn't go down. And he nearly cracked my skull. And then he had a knife to mom's throat. And I just needed my family to be safe. My whole family. Mom. Dad. Alysia. Alaska. Dick. Dick's dick. Everyone safe. That was all I needed at that moment and so I took the shot.

What's the opposite of an oracle? Someone who talks about the past? A historian? Someone who hides the future? The Obfuscator?

But even sending James to his watery grave (which he will, eventually, crawl back out of. So I don't know why I'm kicking myself about murdering somebody! Villains never stay dead!) wasn't the worst part of the night. Dad came to the family meeting. Dad saw what Batgirl did. And now Dad thinks Batgirl is a heinous murderer. I wish I could just tell him my secret identity! But the first thing he'll do is grab a shotgun and go after Batman for contributing to the delinquency of a minor! Well, and I don't write this lightly Diary (in fact I'm going to press down really, really hard as I write it): FUCK.

Batgirl #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really like the fact that Simone is going to be highlighting Alysia a fuckload more because you don't make a minor character transgender and then forget about her. And Alysia is my favorite character in the DCnU! I've been claiming that since she first appeared, all y'all jumping on the Alysia Yeoh bandwagon! Well shit. The more the merrier, I guess! Let's get this bandwagon rocking! And then maybe puking. And then it'll have to take a bunch of aspirin and sleep in late. I'm not really keen on Batgirl being seen as an enemy of her father's but I do hope the James Jr. future storylines kick ass when he comes back in a wheelchair. Or with cyber-legs. Or spliced onto the back of a water buffalo.

Batgirl #17

Have you ever had a wet dream where you were eating a shitload of bananas, running up and down stairs, and banging your sister? No? Me neither.

"Endure the Flame"
A Story by Grunion Guy about Batgirl writing about Ray Fawkes writing about Batgirl

Dear Diary,

Tonight I feel like pounding beers and playing Call of Duty. I don't know what's gotten into me! Perhaps I'm just kind of depressed after all that crapo-la-la The Joker laid down on us Bat Kids a few days ago. Maybe I just want to zone out in an alcoholic stupor while I rape camping faggots n00b-t00b style. What the hell was that?! I just feel so insensitive and out of touch with my normal self! Maybe touching myself would help?

Stop it, Babs! Get control of yourself (I almost wrote 'Get a hold of yourself' but I didn't want to see how my brain would react to that! Especially with these super fine titties. God damn it!)! I don't know what's going on but I just don't feel like myself. Perhaps a little Ray Fawkes fanfic will calm me down. What should I write about? Hmm...?

"Ray Fawkes sat down at his computer to begin computer-typing his Batgirl story that would show that Gail Simone how to really write Batgirl. 'Oh ho! A real writer does not use the computer! I will pull out my old fashioned typewriter! The one that drops the 'R's! That is how real writing is done and I have done a lot of real writing if you count writing games for White Wolf real writing which I totally do! Besides, I have written so much more than that and have even been nominated for awards and things! I am truly a Writer with a capital 'W'!"

"Ray Fawkes sat down at his typewriter to begin typing his Batgirl story that would show Gail Simone how to really write Batgirl. 'Oh ho! A real writer does not use the typewriter! I will get a notepad and a mechanical pencil and I will go to the local coffee shop and order a Raspberry White Mocha with Extra Whip. Then I will sit down in one of the comfortable, cushy chairs, and I will look at the ceiling a lot while biting the end of my mechanical pencil. And then I will look surprised and satisfied occasionally as I take the pencil out of my mouth and scribble one or two lines of the story! That will impress everyone watching and they will all think, "There is a real Writer with a capital 'W'!"'"

"Ray Fawkes gathered up his canvas bag that he slings over his shoulder. It was one that was cool a few years ago which made it super out of date now but that's what made it super duper cool now as well. He got on his bike and biked to his electric car. He locked up his bike and got in his electric car and drove it to the corner of the block where he parked it and got out and got into his ride-sharing car. In that car, he took it to the mass transit station and took the mass transit train (or bus, depending on what kind of mass transit there is in Toronto, Bulgaria) and rode to the coffee shop. While on the bus (or train), he thought about what he could write for his Batgirl story so that he would have an idea that was better than all of Gail Simone's ideas combined! By the time the train (or bus) got to the coffee shop, Ray Fawkes had not come up with a good idea so he decided to write a story called 'Endure the Flame' which he hoped would get better once he thought up more than just the title and this one panel:"

At this point, I'm not sure which writer wants to play Call of Duty but apparently one of them can't get it out of their heads!

"Ray Fawkes patted himself on the back and grinned a self-satisfied grin. 'I know I am writing a believable female character because I have just written something that I would never write if this were Batman! Batman would always leap and never dance. Therefore if a male character would not do it, it must be good feministical writing!' For a moment, Ray Fawkes couldn't help but wonder what he had ever done in his life to warrant being satirized in a lousy piece of fan fiction buried deep inside another lousy piece of fan fiction written by a fictional fan of fan fiction. But he didn't mind because he was going to cash his paycheck later which he earned from writing comic books!"

"At the coffee shop, Ray Fawkes had to wait seven minutes before one of the comfortable chairs opened up. He sat down, stuck the pencil in his mouth, and began the process of writing! But first he thought a little bit about the writing process! It seemed to Ray Fawkes that 1/10 of writing was coming up with a single sentence and the other 9/10s were composed of smug self-satisfaction, sipping coffee, doodling in the margins of the notebook, and wondering if he's spent enough time on writing so that he could get back to playing Call of Duty."

Wow, Diary! That's some pretty good work on my part already, isn't it!? I think I should probably have some ice cream to celebrate. Maybe sneak in a game or two of Call of Duty? Or perhaps I should just work on the story a little bit more. I haven't even gotten Ray Fawkes to write anything about Batgirl yet! I should at least get to that part!

"Ray Fawkes began writing:

'Batgirl sat down at her computer with her coffee and her pencil nearly in her mouth ready to write some fanfic.'

"'Batgirl wrote, "Gail Simone was sad that she wasn't writing Batgirl #17. DC had told her, 'Gail! You cannot write that story you want to write! So we will have Ray Fawkes write a story that you don't want to write to replace the story that you want to write! And you will like it a lot!'" But then Batgirl had to go do some crime fighting so she could not finish her story about Gail Simone's sadness. She would have to think up a good ending for that story later, like perhaps Gail Simone would be able to write a story later about a transgendered hero and Gail Simone would then become a hero for the transgendered. That is a story that practically writes itself, thought Batgirl as she realized she was way behind all of Ray Fawkes' Narration Boxes! "I had better catch up quick!" she thought as she read about how she should have sent her father a bunch of files pointing out which thugs were helping The Joker and how she ends up meeting Ricky the one-legged car thief. Batgirl hurried out of the house but first she put on her Barbara Gordon costume.'"

Is there a category of fan-fiction that deals exclusively with acrotomophilia?

"Ray Fawkes stopped writing for a second to consider what Batgirl was writing about him."

Wait a second, Diary. That's not right. I didn't mean to make Ray Fawkes aware that I was writing about him! I just got a little bit confused. Let me try that again!

"Ray Fawkes took a sip of coffee and pondered his relationship with the universe. Could he simply be a character writing about other characters as other characters of somebody eles's creation are writing about him? It was all possible, he decided, because he was a Writer with a capital 'W'! Clicking his mechanical pencil so that more lead stuck out of the end of it (because he had written so much, the lead had all been used up and the metal part of the pencil kept scratching at his notepad and sending shivers up his spine), Ray Fawkes continued his story:

"'Unbeknownst to Batgirl (being a Writer, I can utilize words like "unbeknownst!"), James Gordon Junior was visiting their mother in the hospital. Instead of bringing her flowers, he brought her a super funny joke.'"

It's super funny because she's physically incapable of feeling a ten!

"Ray Fawkes chuckled at his own joke for twenty seconds and then thought about how he wrote that for three minutes. He enjoyed the glow of his own genius while sipping his coffee before getting back to the story."

"'Batgirl's writing is interrupted by a call from her brother. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that after she went out on the street to bump into Ricky, she immediately went back home to continue writing. That's because she couldn't bump into Ricky while staying home and I wrote how Ricky would get another chance to ask her out in the Young Romance story I wrote. But with all the scene cuts, hopefully nobody noticed that her wandering around outside for a bit didn't really make sense. So now James calls her up and says something like, "You and me sis. How about it?" And Batgirl goes, "You shouldn't go around calling up to people like that." And James goes, "Anyway, whatcha gonna do about it?"'"

"Ray Fawkes chewed on his pencil in silent perplexity. Unless a different word would work better there. Maybe quiet. 'What do I do now? How do I get to a point where Barbara Gordon and James Gordon Jr kiss?' he thought. He really wanted to write a loving story about incest because siblings in positive incestuous relationships were totally underrepresented in comic books. He owed it to his parents to celebrate and support their decision and show society that it wasn't the horrible thing society teaches you it is. 'Perhaps if violence broke out in Gotham, it could get them together?' he thought. Violence in Gotham was always a good idea!"

Boy, Diary! This Ray Fawkes guy sure writes weird stuff in my imagination! Me and James kissing? Ick! Where does Imaginary Ray Fawkes come up with this stuff?! It certainly wasn't my idea! It's weird, isn't it, Diary? How sometimes you'll write something and then later you'll read it and you'll wonder, "Who was that person that wrote that?" Like you have no relationship to the person you were at that point in time. At times, you read something you wrote and it can make you cry because you can only mourn the person you were at the time you wrote that bit. Time kills us every day of our lives. The person I was ten years ago doesn't exist anymore except as an idealized memory. But if I find something I wrote ten years ago, it's a perfect glimpse at the person long gone. It's reading something that I know I wrote but I also didn't write! I could never write that again, ten years gone. And sometimes you think, "I could never write anything like that ever again." And that's a true statement, in one sense! But you, as your new self, can write new things that are just as good or perhaps even better. And if you love writing, you should write every day of your life because the person you were at the time you write is a person you'll never be again.

"Ray Fawkes shakes his penis a bit after finishing urinating in the coffee shop restroom. He hesitates a moment before sliding his penis back in his underwear, knowing that a few more drops will always leak into his underwear no matter how well he shakes himself off. Oh for younger days when the piping wasn't so loose, he thinks. He returns to his comfortable chair with the violent scene now prepared in his mind."
 

"Fummf" is the sound a rocket propelled grenade makes when caught inside an Explosive Proof Bat-Sack.

"Ray Fawkes smiles smilingly at his turns of phrase. Every word perfectly placed so that the reader feels James need to shove his junk into Batgirl's face. 'Let's see Gail Simone top this!' he thinks as he prepares to close his notepad. He finishes his coffee and looks around at the other patrons. Surely they know they're in the presence of a great Writer. He chews on his pencil dramatically one last time before ending Part One of 'Endure the Flames' with the reveal of the monster blowing up police cars as they capture the last of The Joker's thugs:

It's Fireroach! It's actually Firebug. But damn if it doesn't look like one of Sim's Cockroach get-ups. Spooge. Or whatever the Dream Roach character was.

"Ray Fawkes finishes up the confrontation between Batgirl and Cockfireroachbug. He laughs at how easy it was to swoop in and write a better issue than Gail Simone ever wrote! At least if you compared them by how much incest was in each of them. He had her beat easily! He hopped back on his bike or on the bus or in his electric car (whichever one he took to the coffee shop) and headed home to masturbate to his sister's picture."

Well, Diary, that was less than satisfying. Writing is dumb. You know what would be more entertaining? Call of Duty! I'll see you later!

Batgirl #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Unbeknownst to people that didn't actually read this issue, it was pretty good. And all that stuff about Ray Fawkes? Come on! It was Batgirl writing it! Not me! She's the one with Ray Fawkes and Incest issues! Sheesh. And if it wasn't her, it was Grunion Guy! Don't fucking blame me! I wash my hands of it!