Batman: The Dark Knight #25

Time once again for some lonely jerk losing himself in a character and spending all of his time dealing with The Penguin! Also Clayface is in this story.

Clayface has broken out of Arkham Asylum again because nobody knows how to keep that guy incarcerated while still maintaining an illusion of humane treatment. And now The Goddamned Fucking Batman has to waste more time hunting him down.

Clayface's first visit is to The Penguin to tell him that he won't be working for him anymore. He's paid his debt and he's going out on his own now. I wonder what ever happened between him and Poison Ivy? They seemed like a happy couple for a little while there. While Clayface is off thinking up his own crime spree which will probably be pretty stupid (no offense intended, you big moronic pile of clay, but seriously, you don't really have much of a brain anymore. Just a big pile of slimy sludge), Batman and Commissioner Gordon are investigating Clayface's breakout at Arkham.

I think Hurwitz has pages and pages of Batman suddenly appearing and disappearing around Gordon jokes. And as long as they keep making me laugh, I'll be happy to keep seeing them in these pages.

Batman surprises even himself when he sees the footage of Clayface kidnapping people and realizes that he was correct about Clayface going out and getting a new audience. He says, "I didn't mean it literally, Alfred." This is the only acceptable use of the word "literally." When a metaphor suddenly turns real. Also you can use it this way: "I literally figuratively shit my pants when that guy attacked me with a chainsaw." Also if that happened, you probably wouldn't need the figuratively in there, would you? Maybe I should have thought up a better example.

Batman and Alfred make a list of all locations in Gotham that have any ties to Basil Karlo or his movies. The list is too big for Batman to cover himself, so he decides to get some help tracking down the kidnapped citizens. The two people he calls on for help? Black Canary and...ugh...Condor. Really, Batman? I think you're above needing that asshole's help. Unless you can accidentally get him killed! Is that the plan?!

Yes!

Luckily Batman finds Clayface first so we won't have to see any more of Condor. Except Batman probably gave Black Canary and Condor a list of his locations and they'll come swinging in at the last second to help Batman defeat Clayface. Not that Batman needs anybody else's help. But they have to make it look good so maybe a few fans will think, "Neat! Maybe I should be reading Birds of Prey too!" No, you don't need to be reading it. Not at all.

Nice sarcasm, Batman. Do you think they'll ever help you again with that attitude?

As you can see from the above page, Batman defeats Clayface by knocking him into a gigantic fondue pot. I have no idea what a gigantic pot of melted cheese was doing in the theater. Perhaps it was the hors d'oeuvres for the cast party after the show?

See? Pages and pages of these jokes!

Clayface is returned to Arkham but this time he's kept in a pressure cooker to keep him from being able to keep any form. I guess that's as humane as they can make it with this guy.

Batman: The Dark Knight Rating: +8 Ranking. This issue wasn't a "+8 Ranking" kind of issue. But I figure this comic has been way farther down in the rankings than it deserves to be since Gregg Hurwitz took over. Ever since he came on board as the writer, this comic book has been interesting and entertaining. It was a pile of shit before that though, hence it's previous position at 37 on the charts.

Batman: The Dark Knight #24

What the fuck? I thought we were through with Clayface already!

Last issue, Batman and Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham City Police Department finally captured Clayface. This month, Clayface is once again on the cover. Unless that's Cthulu. Or the Kraken. Batman with a really bad case of diarrhea?

This issue begins with Clayface explaining his criminal motivations to the man in the cell next to his, a fan of Basil Karlo. Clayface merely needed an audience. He needed the attention and the fame. He needed eyes on him and people talking about his performance. Clayface a criminal? No, no. He is an Artist!

Or a needy asshole. But why quibble over terms?

No need to quibble. Needy asshole it is!

Poor Clayface. His adult life as a super villain has turned out just like his high school years. He's just trying to fit in but none of the cool kids in the Crime Syndicate want him hanging around. At least his new jail buddy adores him. Although he's probably a paid actor himself helping to keep Clayface's mind preoccupied and prevent him from escaping.

Basil spent years trying to be noticed but nobody found him interesting. Probably because he didn't find anything interesting himself. He was so desperate for people to notice him that he was ignoring himself as well. He seemed to be into old horror movies judging by the posters in his room. I'm sure he could have found friends in that shared interest and then he wouldn't have been so desperate to be noticed. Sure, those friends would have been depressing middle aged men that could quote entire B movie scripts for no good fucking reason but at least he would have had some buddies! He could have sat around in an undusted (as opposed to dusty. This is a critically exact description I'm making here!), bitter smelling, dark apartment at a folding table with three or four older men playing marathon sessions of Magic the Gathering. One of the guys would probably have turned a set of cards into some old time monster movie playing card game that only he really knew all of the rules for playing it. I think there would also be many fleas and three mangy cats named Frohike, Byers, and Langly.

But instead of doing that, Basil simply grew older and more alone and less interesting. So he did what the rest of us wind up doing when stuck in that position. Make a deal with the devil while on the verge of sleep after crying for twenty minutes straight, lying in the slowly drying puddle of our own bodily emissions which we didn't even enjoy producing but we just needed to feel something.

Except Basil's devil wasn't imaginary.

Later Basil snorted the clay and found that he could mimic any face. He found that he could perfectly express any emotion. It took practice but he had a lot of time for that since he didn't have any friends and nobody particularly liked him. The jobs began pouring in and people started to like him. Just imagine if he'd been into practicing before snorting the Skinwalker Cube! I bet he could have made an honest living as an actor! But who fucking likes hard work? It's hard! And it's work! Fuck that shit. Let's go do some ecstasy instead!

Fame and fortune followed. But that's the kind of thing you should expect when you deal with the devil! He knows how to make good on a contract. Unlike that God fellow who works in mysterious ways by giving you cancer and allowing your daughter to drown when she was just barely two. Thanks a lot, God! I guess I learned something!

Yeah, like God is a dick. That's all I learned! At least when you deal with the devil, you know he's going to come back and try to screw you. But at least he'll have made good on the initial promise by giving you whatever you wanted. That's important! So after all the fame and fortune and discovering he could replicate other people simply by touching them, Basil finally gets the callback he's been dreading. The Penguin wants his due.

He should just transform into somebody with less stress.

Clayface is left with only one person in his life: The Penguin. And so he continued to do The Penguin's jobs until Batman caught him, he was thrown in Arkham, and he met his bestiest friend ever. Too bad his life story was so shitty and depressing that his bestie killed himself during the tale. Oh well! That's life!

Afterward, Clayface fakes a choking incident which the idiot doctors fall for. Look at him! Look at what his body can do! Do you really think he can choke? Or breathe, for that matter? I bet he doesn't even need to eat! How does he have any organs that do anything? He probably gets nutrients like a whale! You know, if a whale were a land animal and plankton were floating in the air. It's not a perfect analogy but that's what makes it an analogy! You don't use an analogy to make an apt comparison with the original situation! You use an analogy to muddy the water and make your side of an argument seem better by using shadow puppetry and legerdemain! Anyway, the big act wins Clayface an Oscar. And by Oscar, I really mean his freedom. Because now he's able to escape which means another fucking Clayface issue next month! I can't believe when this whole Clayface story began, I thought it was over after the first issue! I'm such an idiot.

Batman: The Dark Knight #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets a thumbs up from me because it was nice to see some of Clayface's history, even though he was a pathetic jerk.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23

I guess last month's one-shot was actually a two-shot! Stupid me and my ability to accept unresolved stories!

Last month's issue ended with Batman saving Commissioner Gordon from Clayface while Clayface looked on from the street in disguise. It's at that point that I declared that story over and that it was pretty decent for a one-shot. I guess I should have known that Batman wouldn't let it end at that! Especially since he's already put Clayface in Arkham about seven times so far in just The New 52 alone.

I might have been exaggerating when I said "seven times" but I don't think by much.

I have a huge--cataclysmically huge, if I may be so inaccurate and bold--problem with people labeling criminals like these as "smart."

First off, it doesn't make somebody smart if they can manipulate the financial system to make themselves lots and lots of money. It makes them a thief. It makes them an asshole. It makes them a cheater. But it doesn't make them smart. You are not a smart person if you get ahead in some kind of game by not following the rules. Not once did I ever play a game of Monopoly where it ended with somebody stealing all the money from the bank and everybody else giving that player a standing ovation, a chorus of "Bravo," and the Nobel Prize for Ingenuity. Beating people at something by manipulating the rules or playing by a different set of rules or by ignoring the rules altogether does not make you smarter than a person who has agreed to play by the rules. It makes you the asshole who doesn't merge until the very end when one lane has been closed. Yes. Bravo. You chose to be a dick. But it doesn't mean other people didn't see that fucking option. They just didn't want to fuck everybody else in the face for their own selfish needs and desires. So fuck everybody who calls a criminal "smart" when they're able to line their pockets at other people's expense. Unless smart is also a synonym for asshole and then, well, I'm okay with that.

I think I concentrated on the wrong part of the first page! I think I was supposed to notice the guy in the Scottish Golf Chauffeur Taxi Nerd Cap melting into a pile of earwax and sliding under the door. I wonder what that's about! I bet he's one of them smart criminals!

The man sliding under the door turns out to be Clayface for anybody not reading DC Comics for the last two hundred years. And if you've been reading Marvel, just imagine The Sandman but without the buzz cut and the nice striped shirt. Boy, I hope I'm correctly remembering what The Sandman looked like in the old Spiderman cartoons from when I was a kid! Those were the ones with the Spiderman theme song that everybody remembers although some people remember the lyrics as Spiderpig now.

Sandface distracts the guards with his "Old Man Trapped in a Closet" routine while Clayman's henchmen storm in and destroy the place. After that, they're all given their pay checks and sent home for the weekend.

Kidding! He kills them all!

I suppose, in comparison, I'd have to go with those other Wall Street criminals as being smart compared to fucking Gotham City Henchmen. Why don't they learn?! I suppose because they're dead. But why don't other Henchmen see that being a Henchman never fucking pays? If people are willing to put up with this kind of treatment to be a Henchman, I can't imagine what kind of horrors the employees at Gotham McDonalds are suffering through. "Hmm, McDonald's Drive Thru Cashier or Henchman for that psychotic madman, The Joker?"

It's right about this time that the Securities Exchange realizes they're going to have to call in the Gotham City Window Repair Union and pay their outrageous prices because Batman appears on the scene. And if Batman has ever walked through a door, I'll eat my cat. I first typed "gone through a door" and realized I was opening myself up to a major technicality since I'm certain he's crashed through a fair number of those as well as windows, walls, and skylights.

Batman saves a woman and the fight gets taken out to the street where cars and hydrants and lots and lots of pavement can be smashed. How can Clayface be so malleable and yet hard as an inmate's cock at the same time?! Hmm, I think I just answered my own question.

Batman has a gun that creates one of those hard plastic tubes that Batman caught Clayface inside of way back in an issue of Batman. I think it was an issue of Batman. It was the one where Clayface turned into Damian for a moment. Anyway, Batman can't quite lock him down because the tube keeps getting hung up on shit, allowing Clayface to throw it off of himself or slip out from under it.

Once again Clayface gets away. But now Batman needs to know how Clayface knows that Natalya had a connection with Batman. I think he may be beginning to panic that his secret identity could be slipping away! He doesn't know it yet but that's okay since Batwoman is going to figure it out next issue. And she'll probably sell it on eBay just for kicks.

Speaking of smart criminals who don't play by the rules, it's The Pen...hmm, I guess "not playing by the rules" is pretty much the definition of a criminal.

Not that I feel everybody needs to play by society's rules! But most people have decided that they're going to honor a certain contract by living in a community because that contract offers safety and peace for everybody. Some shit that thinks he's getting one over by breaking into cars hasn't thought up something that nobody else could have thought up. All that shit is doing is breaking the unspoken contract of community. Basically if you don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you and we all fucking benefit from not being fucked with. Which is why I think that if you find some little shit breaking into a car, you should be allowed one good kick in their private area or a punch in the tits. Not having female body parts, I'm not sure which one would hurt more for a little female shit.

Later Batman goes to talk with Jim Gordon by using the Reverse Bat Signal Waste of Electricity Approach.

Nothing gets an old man's attention faster than a light having been left on!

Batman smacking Jim around was a nice touch too. Especially after Jim took a swing at him for corrupting Batgirl which ended up in his son "dying." He discusses his plan to capture Clayface which involves everybody dressing up like Batman and scaring Clayface. I think I've seen this in a movie before. Gone with the Wind, maybe? Didn't everybody dress up like General Sherman to scare the South into surrendering?

And it does work! Although y'all look fucking stupid.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really did not expect to enjoy this issue as much as I did. Perhaps I've had a bit too much Clayface for now (and he gets a Villains Month Book! Yay?) lately. But there were some great moments in this thing. Most of which I scanned. So, you know, don't read any of the previous shit if you don't like spoilers.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22

James Gordon might turn on his own daughter, Batgirl, but he'll never go against Batman! How dare this cover suggest as much? If I had any sensibilities, they would be offended right now. Not having sensibilities and not knowing how to be offended, I'm not even sure if the previous sentence made any kind of sense. People often think that being offended is equal to thinking critically. But it's not. Thinking critically is equal to thinking critically. Telling somebody that you are offended is a bit of a power play; it paints the offender as a bully and the offended as a victim. I feel like stating you're offended is superfluous. I'd rather just hear the reasons why, stated rationally and succinctly. Then instead of feeling put on the defensive by an accusation, I can respond in the proper manner. Sometimes that response will be "Fuck you!" and sometimes that response will be "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize that my dick was out."

Sometimes I wish that I could begin a serious thought and not have it devolve into silliness. But I do so because I'm afraid that if I actually say something serious, somebody might disagree with me and point out, rationally and logically, that what I just said was an utter load of bullshit. Then I would be called on to defend myself and my ideas! But if I say something serious and then follow it up with pure slapstick, my response can simply be, "I was joking!" And then I can wipe the sweat from my brow and write in my diary, "August 3rd, 2013. Whew. That was a close one."

Speaking of diaries, my friends Doom Bunny and Upright have a great Monkey's Paw style story about reading someone's diary! Since they've told it to me, I think it's fair that I can pass it on because it's a great Cautionary Tale. In high school, Upright was dating this girl that I will call Rosy Akelson. She was beginning to get a bit distant and Upright thought that maybe he could find out why by reading her diary. He knew how to get into her bedroom through the window, so he and Doom Bunny went by one day to break in and read the diary. Now Doom Bunny was good friends with Rosy and he had a huge crush on her. So he was hoping to read some juicy details on how she felt about him, seeing as how they hung out quite a bit when Upright wasn't around. So they climbed into her bedroom and took out the diary. In it, Rosy described how she was feeling less and less for Upright and how she had a huge crush on a guy named Curtis. Page after page was just more about Curtis and less about Upright. His great high school true love relationship was on the rocks and getting rockier! The diary had done nothing but make his feelings worse. And it was no better for Doom Bunny, for there was nary a mention of his name throughout the whole diary. They put the diary away and left, dejected and broken. It was probably only because of their friendship with me that they could continue on with any semblance of a happy life.

That was a Monkey Paw story not because there was a monkey paw anywhere in it but because it was a be careful what you wish for kind of a thing! If Upright or Doom Bunny read this, they'll probably tell me I got the entire story wrong. But the moral is the important part, not the particulars! And what is the moral? "If you're a soccer coach for young kids, don't wrestle with them."

Hold on a second. James Gordon has something he wants to say.

Gordon is having a Synchronicity II moment. He knows that something somewhere has to break. And now Clayface has reared his ugly head. Or somebody else's ugly head. Apparently the last time Batman captured Clayface in Wayne Towers, it didn't take. But then when does anybody remain in Arkham? That place doesn't have a revolving door; it's got ejector cells.

Gordon has arrived at a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. Police showed up in the middle of the heist and the robbers took the store's security guard hostage. Jim negotiates a trade with Clayface's gang; they release the guard and Jim heads in. Once inside, he pulls the guns taped to his back and begins killing crooks. Damn. Somebody get the Commissioner inside Arkham before he regains his sanity! I don't mean put him in Arkham because he's crazy. I mean put him in Arkham because he's willing to kill the fucking crazies!

But then old sour sop wanders in from the shadows, as per usual.

Okay, which one is Clayface?

Turns out Gordon is Clayface. Of course! You didn't think Jim Gordon would really have had the nerve to go into a dangerous situation before talking it over with Batman, did you? So naive! After Batman dodges the bullet, he punches Gordon in the face causing clay and bats to fly across the room. Don't ask me why Clayface is full of bats! It's probably a metaphor for something that I'm too stupid to figure out.

Clayface manages to slip down a drain in the floor without completely clogging it up. He's acting a bit more like The Sandman than Clayface. I think in the amount of time it would take Clayface to jam himself into the drain, Batman could have kicked him in the face at least thirteen dozen times. But this is a comic book and you just can't get believable depictions of clay men slipping into three inch drainage holes. Once Clayface disappears through the floor, Batman does his disappearing act as well and begins to wonder who Clayface is now disguised as. It's like the crappiest shell game in Gotham.

I wonder if Batman breaks up shell games and Three Card Monte hucksters? I bet he just plays them and wins every time, forcing them to move to Metropolis where they just get their asses handed to them by Clark Kent.

The real Commissioner Gordon is the one creating all of the Narration Boxes seen at the beginning but overlaid on Commissioner Clayface. Gordon is tied to a chair and chained to the floor in a broken down community theater. While realizing that at no point does one ever give up in Gotham, he discovers a flood light and a bunch of bats. Isn't that lucky! Now all he has to do is grab a bat with his teeth, slap it onto the flood light, chew through the chain at his feet, roll across the floor and down the stairs to the basement, find the power fuses, flip the switch with his tongue, wake up hours later after recovering from being electrocuted, hop up the steps while still tied to the chair, plug in the flood light, and cry as the bat signal shines mockingly against the ceiling above.

While Gordon works on his plan, Batman and Alfred have a minor therapy session.

I don't know what he's paying you, Pennyworth, but it isn't enough.

Gordon's Papier Mâché bat is pretty terrible but once he slaps it on the floodlight and turns it on, it does the trick. Batman follows the signal to its source like a good domesticated bat and rescues Gordon. But Gordon is such a dedicated cop, he wants to stick around and investigate Clayface's hideout even with the danger of Clayface returning. Does this guy ever take any time off? They find a bunch of old posters for Basil Karlo's Master of Disguise Act and some wigs and fake mustaches. So that's how Clayface does it! It's just special effects and movie makeup! What a genius.

Batman and Gordon leave with Old Woman Clayface watching from outside with her bag of jewels. Clayface has escaped for now! And I have nothing at all witty to say about it. Especially since the woman at the end might not actually be Clayface and I wouldn't want to insult her by pointing out she looks like a zombie that the cat drug in and spat up a hairball on.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22 Rating: No change. This was a pretty decent one shot about Gordon and his resourcefulness and inner strength and shitty Papier Mâché bat making skills. At the end when Batman rescues Gordon, he smashes the Bat Signal first thing and tells him he doesn't want Clayface to know they're there. But in reality, he's just smashing it so people all over Gotham don't get stupid ideas about making their own bat signals and driving him nutty. I could have used a synonym for nutty there that would have been more apt but what do you think this is? A Flash comic book? Batman is no place for punning.

Batman #20

This surprise cover is for everyone that picked up this issue but didn't read last issue.

Last issue, we learned that Clayface loves shoving his junk down people's throats. He also ends up incorporating other people's junk into his being so that he can turn into an exact clone of those people, right down to the DNA. Commissioner Gordon was also shot in the chest by a shotgun and run over by a motorcycle. The jerk who did it was Clayface but he was busy looking like Bruce Wayne. So Bruce might be in a spot of trouble.

If you need anymore of a recap on what's going on, here's Clayface to explain it in just that way that bad guys love to explain their plans because they're arrogant idiots.

Sounds like a reasonable plan. Except the part where you tell the plan to everybody. When is that ever a good part of the plan?

Clayface swallows up Bruce Wayne and spits him in a trash compactor/incinerator with Lucius Fox. Luckily the trash that gets destroyed in this thing is composed of experimental Batman Incorporated Technology, allowing Batman to find an old model of Batwing suit that didn't fit David Zavimbe because he had gotten so fat. Or it could just be the Batman Beyond suit which is currently simply too expensive to keep producing. Either way, wearing it allows Bruce Wayne to bash through the wall so they can escape. And now Bruce Wayne knows that for Batman to stop Clayface, he can't allow Clayface to get any of his DNA.

Luckily Batman has just the right Bio-containment Batsuit for the job! It's a good thing having more outfits means selling more action figures so that Bruce Wayne can make huge profits on every single Bat Costume he designs.

Batman puts up quite a struggle but he's just about defeated when Gordon and his men arrive. And they arrive just in time to see Clayface receive a taste of Batman's DNA and reveal who is under the mask!

Well, I see Jim's got a bullet proof vest on but that doesn't explain how a motorcycle with the weight of super dense Bruce Wayne didn't seriously injure him. I guess he rolled with the being run over. Or something.

Batman has Lucius Fox drop a Panic Chamber down on Clayface. The only way Clayface can get out is for the person it's programmed to listen to commands it to open. Batman programmed it to open for Basil Karlo, Clayface's true identity, because Batman surmises that Clayface no longer has enough of his own DNA to command it to open. As for revealing that he's Bruce Wayne, Batman peels some cling wrap from his face and claims that it was covered with Bruce Wayne's DNA! Gross! Gordon and his men all nod vigorously and gasp, "Of course! Of course!" and "Never thought Wayne could be Batman anyway! Ridiculous!" and "How'd you get Wayne's DNA all over your face?"

But then Clayface, defeated, crosses the line when he says that Bruce Wayne doesn't care for anyone.

Boy. Who knew criticizing Bruce Wayne could hit such a Batnerve. That's suspicious.

After all's said and done and shouted and kicked and calmed down, Bruce has a few moments to spend with Alfred.

Don't forget to feed Batcow! Damian lives on in Batcow!

Oh, I wasn't going to scan the final page but here! Have some sad. And happy. Sappy?

Oh that hand! Right in the feels.

I forgot that the back-up story was about Lovecraftian Slimer guest starring Superman. Let's summarize this nice and quickly so I can get out of this cloud of mosquitoes and get my ass inside!

They defeat it by Batman telling a ghost how much he cares about Superman and then not telling Superman how much he cares about Superman's friendship. Well, he kind of opens up a little bit when he thanks him and invites him on patrol with him. And the ditching Superman after the invite is his way of saying he cares!

Batman #20 Rating: No change. The general plot of Clayface stealing DNA and using it to blackmail people was a decent comic book story. But the other stuff that framed the story made it really nice, like how Clayface has lost all traces of himself and will never again be able to be who he was. And Batman's reaction to seeing Clayface wear Damian's face. And, of course, Alfred is always great. Plus the back-up story was much better than my short synopsis and cheeky snark give it credit for.

Batman #19

I thought it was going to be the IRS.

Bruce Wayne has had enough time to grieve over Damian. He should be completely back to normal now, dating lots of cheap women and buying up lots of sexy property. I just have a few last questions about the death of Robin. What did Bruce Wayne tell people about Damian's death? According to Channel 52, everybody knows that Robin died. So is anybody asking any questions about how coincidental it was that Robin and Bruce Wayne's son died about the same time? Is anybody investigating Bruce Wayne on child endangerment or neglect charges? Maybe Gordon is going to check it out this issue and that's why he's suddenly become Bruce Wayne's greatest foe. Or else this is just more stupid bullshit like the Jimmy Olsen cover over in Action Comics.

This issue begins with Gordon and all the police that Gotham could spare surrounding a bank being robbed by Bruce Wayne. "It's probably just a guy in a mask!" the astute reader proclaims as he takes another hit of Mountain Dew. "Not so fast!" challenges Scott Snyder as he quickly writes up some dialogue between Bullock and Gordon about having gotten some "lab work" back that proves beyond a snowball's shadow of a doubt in hell that the person inside robbing the bank and killing hostages is definitely Bruce Wayne. "My God! Damian's death must have really cracked him up!" exclaims the reader now thoroughly convinced that this must be Bruce Wayne because science said so! But then some other readers have probably just set down Action Comics utterly disappointed at the whole Jimmy Olsen cock up who are snorting and clucking their tongues and shouting at the walls, "Fuck you, DC! Why am I still buying your comic books after this New 52 bullshit where you shaved off Lawton's mustache and denied Wally West his position as the best Flash ever! You will rue the day! RUE IT!"

I, on the whatever hand I'm on, believe it is Rex Mason and he's gone insane from the imminent death of Element Girl in a future issue of Justice League of America! And the woman he's holding hostage is Sapphire Stagg and she's in on it with him! You have to admit that's more plausible than Bruce Wayne actually perpetrating this crime.

Oh look! Even Jim is beginning to figure it out!

I'm a full step ahead of Jim Gordon because he trusts science. But I know science is full of lying scientists that are just trying to make people who believe in God feel bad. I also don't think Harvey Bullock is very good at reading so he probably read the lab work results incorrectly. It's too bad Gordon puts his trust in science and in Harvey and in his friendship with Bruce Wayne instead of Jesus and/or his gun because it costs him dearly.

I guess we know who is going to be the new Oracle now!

As Gordon is lying on the ground smoking and dying, he notices the Bat Symbol underneath Bruce Wayne's shirt and probably thinks, "For a day with a lot of shocks, that has got to be the biggest of them all!" But it's not! Because the next thing Bruce does is run over Gordon's stomach on his motorcycle. Ha ha! Take that, Commissioner Pig!

That scene ends and the next one begins with the date stamp of Six Days Ago. So now I guess we get to find out why Bruce Wayne is being such a dick and how it all works out in the end and Gordon somehow survives what just happened to him without needing a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Six days ago, Batman was fighting with a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. No, no. Six days ago, Batman was watching an old video of himself fighting a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. Robin appears and sniffs the flowers and is then told by Batman that they've been poisoned. But everybody remains calm because super heroes never die and they have plenty of time to take the antidote. Apparently Batman records all of his adventures. He's probably planning to sell them all to Dark Horse Comics when he retires. Alfred comes down to check on him and make sure he isn't training a new boy already.

I don't think Batman has forgiven Alfred yet for allowing Damian to leave the Bat Cave the night Damian died.

Batman learns that an employee of Wayne Industries has recently killed himself and Batman finds it incomprehensible so he looks into the matter. The man, Brian Wade, was recently being investigated on murder charges. The police had plenty of lab work proving that it was him but Batman can't believe it. So now Batman has to investigate and hope he doesn't end up committing a bank robbery and murder and then going home and killing himself!

Batman's investigation turns up some evidence that Wade wasn't in town the week of the murders and it also turns up a guy that looks like Wade. The guy that looks like Wade uses a weapon that looks like a flamethrower. He gets away from Batman, leaving Batman to go back to relying on his lousy detective work. But it's a good thing the Bat Computer does good detective work because it figures out that the blood on Batman's batarang that had been lodged in Wade's skull has trace amounts of Clayface in it. After that, Bruce Wayne gives the readers a lesson on shape-shifters in other cultures before wondering, "Who's DNA will he absorb next?"

Oh! I know how Batman is going to defeat this newly mutated Clayface! Bukkake! The multiple types of DNA splashed on Clayface all at once will cause him to freak out and go into shock whereby he can be crated up and sent to Arkham.

But before that happens, Clayface needs to get Bruce to swallow his DNA tube.

Why do all of these Batman books devolve into semen flinging contests? I guess that's what happens when the super hero's name is a type of phallus. Or a winged rodent, I guess.

Now Clayface has Bruce's DNA and he'll be able to rob banks and shoot Commissioners as Bruce Wayne! I'm not sure how the DNA enables Clayface to change his undershirt into Batman's costume.

The back-up story has Superman paying a visit to Gotham City.

Batman doesn't want to talk about it because eventually Superman is simply going to say, "Why the fuck were you dragging a ten year old into life-threatening situations, you stupid bastard?"

Batman and Superman investigate some Lovecraftian shit going down in The Narrows and eventually run into a sanity draining version of Slimer.

And Batman still won't open up to Superman.

Batman #19 Rating: No change. I should probably go out and buy the Injustice Video Game later and play as Aquaman the entire time simply to enjoy watching him get his ass handed to him by everybody else. Even Green Arrow! That had nothing to do with Batman but what the fuck more can I say about Batman? It's still good. Maybe this title needs Tom DeFalco on it to shake things up a bit and keep me guessing.