The Ravagers #9

Look at all the skeletons! Oh please oh please oh please let one of them be Superboy’s!

Does anybody else get the feeling this cover is exaggerating what will happen? I know DC has announced that The Ravagers has been canceled but this would be ridiculous! Beast Boy and Terra can't die yet! Although if only Ridge's skeleton were shown, I'd be willing to believe the cover.

People in a little town in Colorado called Hartsville have suddenly gained the intensely useless power to implode. One of those people is Rose Wilson. Luckily she'll probably be killed by The Ravagers before she turns into an ash pile.

Lucky for Rose, the sheriff of Hartsville is acting completely opposite of the way a comic book character is supposed to act. Especially when that character is a cop! Violence, sir, not talking! VIOLENCE!

The Sheriff threatens violence if everybody doesn't calm down and listen to him but he doesn't begin with shooting people in the face. I'm having a tough time understanding this comic book. Talking only happens after the violent altercation is realized to be a misunderstanding! But instead this sheriff has stopped The Ravagers from fighting the Real Ravagers (one of those groups is Warblade and Rose Wilson and the other is Caitlin and her kids. Take your pick) by the mere use of words! It's incredible! This man needs to teach Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and Green Arrow and Firestorm and all the other characters this strange power.

Because the Sheriff has the secret power of speaking, he shouts orders to the heroes and they listen to him. What the fuck? Warblade actually does what the Sheriff commands instead of mouthing off like all teenaged comic book characters do. When the Sheriff says, "Warblade deals with the inmates," Warblade should have said, "Boss people around much?" But he doesn't! He actually does what the Sheriff tells him to do and goes to investigate the prison. I'm so fucking confused! Comic books have not taught me how to read this kind of story!

To be fair, Warblade probably would have eviscerated the Sheriff by now if Rose Wilson hadn't also come down with the Imploding Power.

Warblade finally encounters the convict that was causing all the trouble at the prison and his Implosion Infection took differently. Instead of gaining Implosion Powers, he's gained Hadouken powers! For the less nerdy of you, that means he shoots fireballs out of his hands.

Meanwhile, the Sheriff has shouldered the responsibility for finding the cure for the Implosion Virus. Doesn't Hartsville have a doctor? Or a scientist? Or, at the very least, a barber? I'm not sure of the Sheriff's credentials for curing diseases. His first attempt is to shoot Rose up with morphine. Well, at least that won't hurt her! While they're all waiting to see what happens, Caitlin and Rose remember that they were once friends.

Holy fuck. I can't believe anybody even remembered they were once friends! I blocked most of the issues of Superboy and The Culling from my mind.

In all the confusion, the Sheriff's daughter Candice stole a cop car to escape town. But the only way into town was blocked by an avalanche. And the switchback was, well, I don't know. Not an option any more? But luckily a third way out of town has been discovered: County Road 22! Candice says, "Oh, c'mon! There has to be at least one road still open!" Funny! I thought there was only one road to begin with! It looks like there are so many roads that the quarantine has probably already failed anyway. But Ridge and Thunder and Beast Boy and Terra have all been sent to retrieve this one girl before she can spread the Implosion Infection across the world. Seems like a bit of overkill for one teenage girl. While they're dragging her ass back, Thunder has some kind of attack that he has to explain to everyone since they all suddenly think he's catching.

Dude! Don't give up on your sister so easily! She didn't die. She just entered a portal to The Red! Anyway, if she is dead, you can team up with Light once she gets out of jail. Thunder and Light! Enh, close enough.

Later Warblade gets a DNA sample from the prison inmate and then kills him. The Sheriff's son exhibits some kind of super power where he makes bubbles or something. And Warblade and Terra suddenly have something to talk about.

I think the Colorists are just looking for attention since I never fucking mention them. Okay, I'll bite! Hey Tony Avina? That was supposed to be Rose Wilson, not Terra!

Once everyone is back together and not punching each other in the face for some reason, Warblade tells the Sheriff he knows how to "dissipate the radiation." He needs fifteen people for the cure which the Sheriff readily finds volunteers for. Because people in small towns get things fucking done when they need to come together and count on each other! Them Ravagers better learn a lesson from all this! And then the Sheriff proves once and for all that he really shouldn't fucking be in a comic book. At least not without wearing an "S" on his chest.

If this guy survives, he should be next in line to wear the Goddamned Bat Costume.

The yokels stand around in a circle with the Sheriff at the center and then Warblade throws apricot jam on them. Or he does a hand dance. Or he twirls fire. I don't know what the fuck he's doing! But whatever he does, it cures the town and kills the Sheriff! Yay! I mean, yay for curing the town! Boo for killing the Sheriff! He was the best character in The Ravagers so far!

How come Ig Guara made Brenda so cute in Blue Beetle but his art is kind of crappy in this? Is it Norm Rapmund's fault? Is he a lousy inker? Or was Ig just rushing through these issues because the gig was just dropped in his lap?

Warblade and Rose Wilson decide not to fight the Ravagers and the Ravagers decide not to fight Rose Wilson and Warblade. Rose chooses not to fight because she's all fucked up from the morphine. Caitlin decides not to fight because, well, I don't know. Maybe she feels guilty because Rose kept shoving the whole betrayal thing in her face. I forget what the betrayal was all about. I think it was just that Caitlin chose Superboy over Rose. It's always about a guy when best friends feud.

Elsewhere, Harvest is watching his crystal ball to learn that Rose Wilson and Warblade fucked up big time. So now he's supposedly angry enough to want to kill them. That means Rose and Warblade will have to join Caitlin's Ravagers! I still think Harvest should be Future Vampire Tim Drake instead of Echo Captain Future Shard of Captain Atom.

The Ravagers #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's suddenly a decent comic book! But more importantly, it isn't full of grammar errors and sloppy punctuation and punctuation errors and sloppy grammar! I wonder what happened to Howard Mackie? Maybe he's writing Chick Tracts now.

In Which I Compare My Ranks to Actual Sales

By Sales	Comic Book	My Rank	Comments
1	Batman	1	From what I've seen by some of the other sales figures, it's simply a coincidence that my rank matches the sales rank of Batman. If this same amazingly well-written story was about Silver Scarab, it would probably sell about as well as Phantom Stranger. Batman is only number one because he's The Goddamned Batman.
2	Justice League	31	Admittedly, my rank on this comic is pretty fucking low for the actual quality of the book. But it's only #2 in DC sales because it's their flagship comic. Let's average out my rank with the sales rank and say it's probably more of a #17 ranked comic book.
3	Detective Comics	36	Here's more proof that Batman sells. Once again, my rank is low but only for the current incarnation of this comic which is much improved since Tony Daniels left. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of readers are simply on auto-pilot because they've been purchasing Detective Comics for twenty, thirty, forty years or more.
4	Batman and Robin	10	The quality of this comic has been constant. I'm glad to see it's selling well but who's surprised? The top four comic books common factor: The Goddamned Batman!
5	Green Lantern	38	My ranking here shows a big bias to my New 52 rankings. I really penalized comic books that ignored the Reboot and GL's rank has suffered. If you've been following Green Lantern for years, my rank makes no sense. But as I haven't been following it for years, it was nigh incomprehensible for a number of issues.
6	Batgirl	28	Batgirl has been one of those comic books that, if you're a fan of Batgirl and/or Gail Simone, you're going to love the fuck out of it. My ranking of 28 might seem low but that actually puts it in the Area of My Rankings I refer to as "If You Like the Title Character, You'll Probably Really Enjoy This Comic." If you're not a fan of Batgirl, you're probably not missing anything.
7	Nightwing	15	I've been reading Teen Titans since I first began reading comic books in the early eighties and this is the first time I've ever really appreciated Dick Grayson. If this is the way he's been written in the years before the Preboot, I see why he has such a huge fandom. I even enjoyed Tom DeFalco's guest run on this!
8	Teen Titans	49	This comic book owes all of its numbers to Cartoon Fandom. Scott Lobdell is trying his hardest to write the most uninteresting Teen Titans' characters I've ever seen. And guess what? Everyone keeps buying this book so it's never going to get any better! Yay!
9	Aquaman	6	I still have Aquaman ranked high even though I've begun to fall out of love with it. I like how his character is being handled but once Johns has used up the Black Manta stuff and the Atlantis stuff, what's next? Fighting Japanese dolphin killers?
10	Red Hood	46	Another comic book where Lobdell could fill the speech bubbles and narration boxes with gibberish and it'll sell. The Jason Todd Fandom will just keep buying this even if Lobdell began jerking off into every issue. Imagine how well this would sell with a decent writer telling Todd's story? Huge missed opportunity here but DC doesn't care because they know it'll sell.
11	Action Comics	1	I know I already have Batman ranked at #1! It's called a tie! I can't  believe Morrison's unbelievable run on this story is underselling Lobdell's nonsense. I'm so ashamed of comic book readers right now.
12	The Dark Knight	43	The Goddamned Batman. This comic has gotten much better though with Gregg Hurwitz writing it. My rank reflects the horrible state of affairs left by David Finch and Paul Jenkins run as writers.
13	Earth 2	29	Like Batgirl's low rank, it doesn't indicate that this is a bad book. On the contrary! It's just that my ranking system has serious flaws and a whole swath of comics in the middle of the rankings are well done. It's only when comics are ranked about 40 or lower that they have no redeeming value. I could see this ranked anywhere between mine and the sales rank.
14	Superman	42	If you're interested in reading a good Superman story, read Action Comics. If you're interested in reading a not so smug and well-put-together as Action Comics Superman story, read Justice League. But don't read this one. It lost its way almost immediately in the first story arc and has just been a sad joke since.
15	Batman Incorporated	4	Even though this one maybe reads better with Preboot knowledge (I don't know having never read the Preboot title), it's still spectacularly well done. The sales of rank of 15 is probably more justified than my rank of 4. Good book either way though, amirite?
16	Green Lantern Corps	27	This comic probably got a healthy boost in January from the Third Army crossover. But it's been a consistently good read from the start. If you're a fan of Guy Gardner, John Stewart, or the Green Lanterns in general, you're probably already reading it. If you aren't fans, here's the TL;DR: The Guardians are assholes.
17	Flash	17	Ding ding ding! I win! This comic is almost without fail beautiful to look at. It has more of an old school super hero feel to it. It's fun and, so far, a neat take on The Flash and his powers. Yes, I described The Flash as "neat".
18	New Guardians	24	This one has yet to settle down into a formula yet so I don't know what the whole "new guardians" thing is going to end up being. Hopefully one Lantern from each Color Corps will simply replace those asshat Guardians. Another consistently well-presented title.
19	Wonder Woman	3	This comic is worth it just for Azzarello's dialogue between characters. Also because he and Cliff Chiang turned Wesley Willis into a demi-god. If you like Xena and Gaiman's The Sandman, you should probably be reading this.
20	Red Lanterns	20	Like New Guardians, this comic has quite decided what it wants to be either. But that's actually fine! The Red Lantern comic book should be chaotic and blundering and filled with angry killing. Atrocitus is a frustrated philosopher that usually just ends up vomiting on dissenters.
21	Batwoman	14	This comic is beautiful and entertaining and it seems to be selling fairly well. If you're not reading it, help out its numbers by picking up the trades. You (probably) won't regret it.
22	Catwoman	34	The sales rank of 22 might have been appropriate while Judd Winick was writing it. But it's been a disaster since Ann Nocenti took over. Avoid at all costs! If you love Catwoman, let it go until you see another writer on it. You can buy the back issues after Nocenti is canned!
23	Swamp Thing	19	The best issues of this comic have been when they've been pure horror. I hope after Rotworld is over, Swamp Thing returns to its roots (ha ha!) and goes Full Horror. And hopefully Yanick Paquette continues on as artist.
24	Talon	32	I'm sick of The Court of Owls.
25	Worlds' Finest	7	This comic scores a "7" in Best Friendship. I think the sales rank of "25" is pretty good for people looking for some super hero action.
26	Supergirl	33	This comic is about at the bottom of my comics that I'd recommend if you like the character. Overall it's been really good and drawn super cute. But it's had too many issues where nothing much happens except a fight. The first 12 issues really should have been 6 issues.
27	Animal Man	9	I may have Animal Man ranked higher than its quality simply because I'm a biased sucker. even so, it should be no lower than Swamp Thing's rank. Both well done books and since they're inextricably tied by their theme, I'd highly recommend reading both (you know, even after Rotworld is over!).
28	Threshold	26	Too soon to really say. I like the idea. I like that Keith Giffen is writing. I like that Captain K'rot (or whatever) will be starring. I don't like that DC is pissing off the creator of Captain Carrot, Scott Shaw. But that's what the whole Reboot is about! Not paying people!
29	Superboy	50	Ugh.
30	Suicide Squad	21	I have at least one vocal fan of Suicide Squad that assures me each month that this is crap compared to Ostrander's run. And he's right! But come on! If you're going to compare a comic to John Ostrander's run on Suicide Squad, that comic is going to be beat thoroughly about the head and genitals. I think it's fun for what it is and I'm always happy with more Suicide Squad.
31	Justice League Dark	12	This comic was good although a bit lost while Milligan was writing. The comic found its way and became wonderful when Lemire took over. More people should be reading this.
32	Birds of Prey	47	I really want this comic book to be good. Under Duane I Seriously Can't Spell His Last Name, it's just been illogical with no regards to causality. The writing has simply been sloppy and lazy.
33	The Phantom Stranger	25	It's been pretty well done with some complex characterization (no, I'm not simply talking about the Phantom Stranger being Judas Iscariot!). It's still early. This and all comics beneath it sold under 20,000 units in January. That puts them all at risk of the chopping block.
34	Green Arrow	48	This comic book was a disaster under J.T. Krul. It was somewhat better under Giffen. It was horrible with Nocenti. But it looks to be on the rise with Lemire and Sorrentino. I wouldn't recommend reading any of this book prior to Issue #17.
35	All Star Western	11	If you weren't a big fan of Jonah Hex teaming up with Amadeus Arkham, shame on you! It's the team up I didn't know I was waiting for. I always look forward to reading this book. Get the trades! Support it that way! But more to the point: BEGIN READING IT WITH #17! 19TH CENTURY STORMWATCH featuring JENNY FREEDOM!
36	Legion of Super-heroes	44	Whatever. If you like these guys, maybe you'll like this comic. I've never been a fan and 17 issues into my first time reading about them, I still don't care.
37	Ravagers	45	Howard Mackie made a mockery of this comic book. He's possibly the worst writer I've ever read that was earning a paycheck doing it. What's worse? His editors didn't fucking seem to care! I don't even think they read his scripts.
38	Team 7	35	This comic showed early promise but it's just full of too many of the same character. A bunch of bad-asses that shoot guns. I guess they'll be getting super powers now. Too late, apparently.
39	Dial H	13	Really, people? Really? DC hires a real honest-to-goodness gosh-darn author and you don't give the book a chance? This thing is good and weird, people. Why are you letting it die?!
40	Stormwatch	23	It's because half the team is gay, isn't it? Jerks! Support this title!
41	Demon Knights	5	I'm amazed. Next to Batwoman and The Flash, this has been the consistently most gorgeous comic book of The New 52. Don't you people like eye candy? Also, a super fun story with great characters and well written dialogue.
42	Sword of Sorcery	18	It hardly seems this comic got a chance. The Beowulf back-up story was really fun with a creative future version of the world. And I can't believe this comic was canceled after the last issue of Amethyst where she was hanging out with Constantine. So adorable!
43	Legion Lost	48*	Tom DeFalco was writing this. I think I've made my point. *My rank it ended on.
44	Frankenstein	16*	I liked this book and it had tons of wacky potential. Sad to see it go. *My rank it ended on.
45	Batwing	37	This book had a decent initial story arc that went too long and was too predicable. After that, I really haven't been too interested in it.
46	Hawkman	52	This comic book has been crap since the beginning. Not one good issue here. Well, maybe one but I certainly don't remember it and I wouldn't testify to that fact.
47	Deathstroke	41	Under Kyle Higgins, Deathstroke was an amoral aging mercenary trying to maintain his place at the top of the food chain. It was going places. Then Liefeld flushed it all down the toilet. By the time Jordan took over, I just didn't fucking care anymore.
48	I, Vampire	22	Wow. This is ranked this low in sales? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Fialkov might have shot himself in the foot by flip-flopping the story's direction too many times in the first ten or so issues. But it's still been a consistently well-written book.
49	DC Comics Presents	8	I thought this was doing a solid job as a showcase book. But I think I know why it failed. Too many of the stories went for too many issues. This title should have been $3.99 with no back-up story. The showcased hero's story should never have gone more than two issues. It probably would have done better.
50	Blue Beetle	*28	This title was funny and well-written. Although it didn't star Ted Kord so good fucking riddance, bitch! *My rank it ended on.
51	Firestorm	40	As a super hero comic, this book was pretty lousy. As a repressed homosexual tale of high school forbidden love, it rocked! Hell, Jason and Ronnie even got married at the end of the Zero Issue! I'm sad to see it go because where else am I going to get sanctioned slash fiction?!
52	Grifter	*52	Ding ding ding! Worst. Comic. Ever. *My rank it ended on.

Demon Knights #17

I don't have anything to say this morning but I really want to read this comic book.

I've never painted in my life but I realized last night that I have a painting project in me that I really want to do. Perhaps I'll save it until my golden years though. I want to paint images and situations I experienced while on acid or mushrooms. I was thinking about one time at a flea market in San Jose tripping with my buddy Bobby. As we approached a rack of sunglasses with a small girl crouched at the base digging through a box of toys, the girl turned around and she was wearing a pair of those glasses with the eyes already on them. I was suddenly able to see the stylized painting I would do of that moment and it made me think of all the other drug-addled moments that would make lovely paintings. Lovely to me anyway. The kid offering me fizz. The brawl in the Grizzly roller coaster line between the transvestites and the asshole jocks. The kid that looked like Data as he did the "Live Long and Prosper" greeting when we asked to take his picture. Gumby in line for The Demon. Jupiter following me. The thousand years I spent in the strip joint parking lot. Sitting cross-legged on Jason Beymer's floor while his younger sister's friends drank and partied around me. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar in fast forward while listening to Rush. Rock and Roll bowling and seeing everybody staring at me constantly.

I think I should learn to paint. I could see myself really enjoying my golden years painting these moments.

Didn't I just type that I had nothing to talk about? Let's get back to that! I want to read Demon Knights already!

Since we saw Jason Blood was busy being tortured by Vandal Savage and unable to call forth the Demon since Jason had seemingly misplaced his mouth, let's check in on what Etrigan is up to!

Boredom seems fitting. He is in Hell, after all.

Lucifer stops by to taunt him a bit and then Etrigan impotently threatens Jason Blood. Meanwhile Jason Blood continues to endure torture and humiliation at the hands of Savage. In Al-Wadi, Exoristos, Sir Ystin, and the Horsewoman set off to rescue Jason Blood. Al-Jabr believes they'll need him to help stop Cain from taking Paradise Island. Well, not Jason Blood. You know who they really need.

Once they get there, Exoristos simply walks in the front gate to distract Vandal Savage while the others do whatever the others are going to do. Probably rescue Jason Blood! I hope they find his mouth while they're at it.

I'm going to miss Vandal Savage if they can't manage to finagle a way to bring him along.

Meanwhile, Sir Ystin easily frees Jason Blood. But getting in has probably alerted other guards and getting out is going to be much harder. Especially since the plan was to use Etrigan's muscle to secure their egress. Luckily Sir Ystin has a Plan B. B as in Bellerophon.

I'm surprised Savage didn't have someone paint a sad face on Jason Blood.

As they escape the castle, Horsewoman gives a thought command to Savage's men's horses to not follow. Once Vandal and his brigands mount up, the horses drop to their knees. Of course Savage knows what's up having ridden with the Horsewoman in the past. So it seems like Savage won't be along for this adventure. Unless his ire forces him to follow. But I have a feeling the others are going to need to seek out Madame Xanadu to fix Jason Blood's face.

Of course Jason didn't warn them whom they were going to see. He could have written it down!

Meanwhile on their steady march to Paradise Island (I'd rather call it that because Themyscira is too hard to spell), Cain and his Vampire Amazon cohort descend on the Bison Riders so that they can add a Vampire Cavalry to their army.

Demon Knights #17 Rating: No change. Even with the change in writers, this book is still one of the better written New 52 comics. And Bernard Chang hasn't missed a beat as the replacement for Diogenes Neves. It's simply a beautiful book to look at and a fun story to read.

Batman and Robin #17

Seriously? Is there more trouble in Gotham? Unbelievable.

About 850 comic book commentaries later, how do I still have anything new to say? Obviously I have new things to say that comment directly on the current comic book I'm reading. But how many ways can I say, "Scott Lobdell and/or Tom DeFalco can't write"? You know what? I'm going to stop referring to them by their individual names since I'm pretty sure they're the same person. From now on, I will refer to them collectively as Tott Dedell when I want to bust their balls at the same time. I never leave my tiny office to have new experiences to write about either since I'm constantly labouring over my pile of comic books to vomit up poison filled rants about the state of DC's editorial department. Even lunch wasn't a new experience! I've probably eaten 1000 burritos just like that one in my lifetime!

But that's why I read comic books, I guess! To live vicariously through costumed vigilantes so I don't have to actually live amongst the rest of this world's populace. So I can at least thank Tott Dedell for that much! I'd rather spend time reading his half-assed scripts than spending time with actual people. At least I know when I'm lying on my deathbed struggling for my final breath, I won't regret having not read enough shitty comic books.

Although I might regret having not read enough good comic books! I hear there are some good stories going on over at Image and Marvel right now! Too bad I don't have time to read them. Except for Saga. Of course I'm reading Saga. What do you take me for? An uncivilized, illiterate, intemperate barbarian of dubious virtue?

Luckily Batman and Robin has yet to fall into the bad comic book category. Peter Tomasi has been doing an excellent job with these characters (and Alfred as well!). And for those people who hate The New 52, I'm pretty sure you can read this comic book and simply pretend it takes place in the old universe. All the really important history is still the same, including the fact that Dick was Batman for a year with Damian as his Robin. This is my secret gift to you, The New 52 Haters: Batman and Robin is Preboot Friendly.

I once lamented while reading a scene from Batwoman where Kate and Bette are changing into costume together how we never see Batman and Robin in their underwear while getting ready. Well consider that lament rectified!

Okay, so they're not exactly in their underwear. But they're getting there because they're removing their costumes at the end of a long night.

That's the first page. Beautiful moment. And look at those sandwiches! I've always had a love of cartoon sandwiches. Yogi Bear's sandwiches always looked so fucking delicious. One New Year's Eve while near passing out from inebriation, I gave voice to my fetishization of cartoon food for a solid ten minutes. I only wish one could retain the exact structure and nuance of speeches like these, born of spontaneity and intense drunkenness.

On page two, I proffer another example of the excellence with which this comic book is put together.

Some writers would ruin this moment, feeling it necessary to fill the space with Damian's inner thoughts.

Those panels above go a long way toward bonding the reader with the characters and this comic book. These are panels that are necessary for the long term relationship between the reader and the creators. In this we see that Tomasi cares about these characters. We see that he thinks about their relationship. In the simple act of a child comparing the size of his shoe to his father's, Tomasi engages our emotion to the story. I can only wish that this were the trend as opposed to Narration Boxes filling up all the quiet, empty spaces of comic book panels.

The comic continues in their dreams as Alfred, Damian, and Bruce all lie down to sleep.

Damian's dream begins as he watches everyone in his life sunk beneath the ocean, weighted down and drowning. He speaks with another version of himself, his two halves, the al Ghul and the Wayne, not quite reconciled with one another. He is calm until he sees Alfred drowning and this causes him to dream awaken. That just means he wakes from his dream within a dream. In his new setting, he begins following a robin throughout Wayne Manor only to find this:

I have no idea what Jung says about this dream imagery!

This encounter with a bat feasting on his father and asking Damian to join him actually wakes Damian up with a start. Does this mean a part of Damian wants to be Batman so badly that he'd consider helping his father into early retirement? Of course it would be a subconscious part of him. One of those Oedipal temptations that the dream mind loves to dangle in front of us? Or is this merely Damian seeing weakness in himself? Seeing that he relies too much on his father? Like I said, I don't know how to interpret this!

Next is Alfred's dream. Alfred dreams of helping Thomas and Martha and Bruce prepare for their last night on the town. He then hears noises down in the Batcave. Upon investigation, he discovers The Joker slaughtering the Bat Family with a hammer. Alfred takes it upon himself to end this asshole's reign of terror with a shotgun.

Even Alfred thinks this is how Death of the Family should have ended! Look at that smile!

Bruce dreams of losing his parents and finding respite in solitude. Or perhaps he just feels that nobody has suffered as badly as the poor boy that lost his parents on the night he insisted on leaving the movie early and he just wants to be left alone to pity himself and suffer in silence. Perhaps he thought he could lose himself in the persona of Batman. Instead, he became the popular kid in Gotham whom everybody wanted as their friend.

Or his dream just has to do with his repressed homosexuality and his love of The Joker.

At the end of the dream, Damian reaches down and pulls Bruce up from the bottom of the ocean. It is, and always has been, Robin that saves the Batman. Bruce awakens, checks on Damian, tucks him in, and goes back to bed. Meanwhile Damian dreams of fighting at Batman's side all night long.

The scariest two gargoyles in Gotham City.

Batman and Robin #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a sucker for one shot stories like this. And even though I don't raise the rankings of comic books based on their annuals, that doesn't mean that I can't raise this issue's ranking a little higher than I normally would because the Batman and Robin Annual was extraordinarily well done!

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.

Deathstroke #17

When does Slade have time to spend his money? Does he ever get a chance to relax?

Do I need to read this comic book? People try to kill Deathstroke. Deathstork Deathstroke kills people. Stupid lines of dialogue are said. If the story runs two issues, this one will end with Deathstroke in dire circumstances. But he'll overcome in the next issue and kill more people!

You know what would be a revolutionary idea? Having an interesting story backing up this violence and mayhem. Is that too much to ask? I suppose the story behind this fracas will be that Deathstroke is hurting someone's business, so they need to have him killed. And I guess that's good enough for a Deathstroke comic book at DC these days.

Whenever people wonder how to break into the business as a writer, they're always told to produce scripts that highlight something new about a character, or to show an aspect of the character in a different light. They always recommend taking a different tack than expected. So why is it once a writer is established, those rules go out the fucking window? I haven't seen one surprising moment in Deathstroke yet. Maybe Higgins did something somewhere but it's hard to look past the giant mountain of shit Liefeld placed in the way.

Oh wait! Liefeld took a different tack! Remember how Higgins' last issue showed that Slade's prime motivation was to prove to his father that he was better than him? And then the very next issue by Liefeld, Liefeld shows that Deathstroke's prime motivation is his dead wife! I guess that was surprising!

This issue begins with Slade confronting some guy named Tomo on a bullet train in Japan. Slade does this because he heard this guy was trying to kill him. So what better way to take care of the problem then by confronting it head on? Apparently this guy Tomo knew that Deathstroke would try this, because he's not alone on the bullet train (no, no! He is alone when it comes to other passengers. But he's not alone when it comes to his bajillion ninjas! Or 9,999 according to the cover).

Good thing he was "listening" then! He's very stealthy at it. I usually cock my head to the side while looking off at a distant point of nothing to listen.

Slade might not be that stupid, but he's definitely not as smart as he thinks he is. He's obviously pretty predictable if someone can put a hit out on him and then wait around paying 9,999 ninjas to act as bodyguards. Tomo didn't even have to go after Deathstroke. I guess you just Tweet "I'm going to fucking kill Deathstroke!" and Peabody gets an alert and Slade goes off to kill the Tweeter.

For those readers that haven't picked up a DC comic book in the last 30 years, Deathstroke mentions how he's no ordinary man and how he has strength, senses, and reflexes far exceeding those of a normal person. He doesn't say anything about his ability to regenerate so I'm still foggy about whether that power has continued in The New 52 [While perusing Issue #4, I see Christoph says, "If only we all could speed up healing with just a thought." So I guess he does have his healing powers! Although I remember they seem to be acting a bit wonky.].

Apparently nobody is that stupid. But all y'all sure are fucking predictable.

Tomo tells Slade that he and his ninja clan were hired to kill Deathstroke by some guy named Jenner Collins as "repayment" for Slade's assassination of Jenner. I have no idea who this Jenner Collins is. It's possible it's the guy that sent all the Legacy people after Deathstroke since his will stipulated that his fortune go toward killing Deathstroke even after he died. And then Deathstroke killed him. Or perhaps he's just some random rich guy that knew Slade was out to kill him and placed a hit on Deathstroke in his will. Or maybe after Deathstroke is finished killing 9,999 ninjas, he'll get the full story out of Tomo while dragging him face first behind the bullet train.

I imagine I'll read a bunch of pages of ninja fighting now. BRB!

Oh really?! Issue #2: Kills dozens of people for free while saying things like, "At least make this interesting," and, when more arrive, "That's more like it" and "Now we're talking." Then the news crews arrive and he says, "Keep coming. I want you to take your best shot--I welcome it. Because at the end of the day, all of this tonight...this is nothing but fun." Doesn't sound like an offended man to me! And just a few issues ago, Deathstroke accepted the job to kill Koschei because it was a challenge! The negotiations were shown and no mention of money was ever offered. Just "the challenge." Oh well. I guess now it's offensive.

Ignoring my cynical hyperbole in the last caption, I'd forgotten how decently Higgins kept up Deathstroke's going out on jobs while earning money and trying to keep up his fading reputation. He certainly didn't do freebies! And then Liefeld had him go after Lobo for a few issues and he was apparently paid well for that too. Then Stillborn attacked and he would have killed him for free because that guy was an idiot. And he might have been paid for the Koschei the Deathless job but I think he really just wanted to rid the world of a guy with better regenerative powers than he had. So I think Deathstroke actually makes a pretty good point here. He's being used by someone to try to thin the ranks of this ninja clan and he refuses to be manipulated like that. So there. I don't always have to obstinately misunderstand the comic books I'm reading for a rant or a joke! Although mostly I'll still do that. I just wanted to point out that I don't always mean what I say. I just mostly do!

Because there are too many ninjas and Deathstroke doesn't do freebies anymore, he blows up a train car and rides the front half of the train to safety. Because in the case of an explosion, the good half of the train would just keep heading on to its destination. Or perhaps Slade merely needs the extra hundred yards or so before the train stops as a head start to get away from ninjas. Deathstroke is forced to not kill the guy trying to kill him. But, I guess, in the end it doesn't matter since Slade "got what he wanted." I thought what he wanted was to kill the guy trying to kill him but then again, I'm usually wrong about shit like that. The losing participant of a fight always just seems to be seeking "information" about the fighting styles of her opponent. Like Deathstroke against Koschei the Deathless. And Stilldead against Deathstroke the Terminator. And now Slade again. Except I guess Slade didn't actually lose. He just kind of lost.

Deathstroke's goal was to plant a radioactive fingerprint on Tomo that Deathstroke could trace back to the person behind it all. And that's what happens! Deathstroke breaks in on Tomo apologizing to his father, Master Sukesada, for failing to kill Deathstroke. This must be the part where Deathstroke gets captured by the bad guys so that he can overcome next issue! See here in the penultimate page? It's probably where Deathstroke loses.

See how...hey! That's not supposed to happen! But if Deathstroke beat the bad guy, how come this story is going to continue?

Oh! I get it. That's why nobody knows who the fuck Jenner Collins is!

Deathstroke #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Once again, a much better issue than Liefeld and his legacy left behind. I liked that Deathstroke's reason for not killing this old man and his son immediately was because he felt he was being used by someone to get him to kill for free. That really calls for restraint from someone who generally just likes blowing people up and shooting possible partners indiscriminately. One other thing about this comic book: has anybody noticed how many stories about daddy issues are taking place in this thing? Sheesh!