Superman #17

Hooray! Three cheers for the conclusion of H'el on Earth!

The only problem with H'el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can't wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let's dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don't think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H'el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

Aha! That's what Oracle is! He appears when a person fucks with time and says, "Shame! Shaaaaaame!" Except he must have only come into existence due to The Flash fucking with time in Flashpoint since The Oracle didn't appear to The Flash and say, "Shame. Shaaaaaaame!"

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn't be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H'el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I'm probably wrong about all of that because I'm just as confused as Superman!

I hope that wasn't the last we'll see of Oracle! He deserves his own title! It can simply be composed of twenty pages of various panels from DC's Preboot comic books.

Superman shrugs his shoulders because he needs to get back to Earth and stop H'el. Although Superman suddenly doesn't want to stop H'el! I mean, he wants to save the lives of everyone on Earth. But he's suddenly sympathetic to H'el's cause to save Krypton. What a fool! Didn't he learn anything about mucking with time from Superman the Movie? Oh, yeah. I guess he did learn something: go for it because it always works out in the end and doesn't cause anybody any harm.

Batman and the others tell Superman to go save the planet because they're pretty much useless in situations like this. They're just going to sit around the Watchtower pushing buttons and reading monitors and hoping they don't suddenly cease to exist. And while they fiddle about waiting for the end of the world, the Narrator decides to fill the readers in on H'el's plan (just in case they've forgotten after the multiple reminders in every issue of H'el on Earth).

Really? The "imminent" destruction of Krypton? I guess if you have a time machine, everything is imminent! At least Lobdell got the "arctic" part of the story correct. Perhaps the elementary school website I linked to long ago helped him sort out the differences between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Man! I should have quizzed him about that when I met him at the Portland Comic Con!

With Wonder Woman's girl-on-girl advice, Supergirl has finally realized that H'el's sexy shaved upper pubic area is no consolation for his lying, murderous, insane ways! She's decided to help Superboy and Wonder Woman shut down his time travel project.

Speaking of Time Travel, Primer is once again available on Netflix. Anybody reading this that has Netflix, I highly recommend the movie Primer. Good, good time travel stuff.

Superboy is able to destroy H'el's Star Fuel Machine with his Tactile Telekinesis which he finally has the use of again because H'el ripped off the Super Suit that was keeping him from using it. But not in time! Because H'el has a time machine! He can use it to go back in time and stop Superboy from destroying the Star Fuel Machine! Oh, but he doesn't need to. His time machine is all fueled up and ready to go. Now he's just waiting for the navigation system to align with the proper chronus-portal and he'll be off to Krypton, leaving a gaping hole in our solar system and destroying it.

Superman finally comes charging in from space to begin pummeling H'el. What he should be doing is pummeling H'el's time machine because we've seen what happens when Superman goes toe to toe with H'el! Superman can't match all of H'el's amazing powers that really make no sense if he's merely another Kryptonian. He must be something else since he has super teleporting breath and super DNA unraveling vision and super duper super strength. Maybe if Superboy isn't feeling too sick from trying to keep his DNA inside himself, he'll remember to destroy H'el's time machine now that he's destroyed the time machine's fuel source too late.

I wonder where Oracle went?

"Making this up as I go along." We know, Lobdell, we know. I mean Superboy!

The next minor thing that happens is purely idiotic and unnecessary but I think Lobdell just can't help himself at this point.

Oh look! H'el planned it all right down to this moment! Because that's all he's been doing is planning! The revelation isn't even needed. It just makes this moment worse. How about H'el just built a hardy ship that's majorly resistant to physical trauma? That's easy to accept because it only means he took care against Superman trying to stop him. But I think this is Lobdell's way to show why these idiot heroes haven't just smashed the shit out of his ship. Because H'el planned the diversion! Or something. Whatever. Fuck you, Harvest. I mean H'el.

H'el punches Superman off of him and Superboy exclaims he's never seen anything hit that hard in his life. Since Superman only flies a few dozen feet, I guess Superboy didn't see when H'el punched Superman into space.

With that amazing punch that Superman barely felt, H'el gets away and is about to enter his Time Machine when Kara asks him to forgive her and take her with him. Oh baby! How can anybody say no to that sweet face and the Kryptonite you're hiding in your underwear? Come on board!

Oh snap! Didn't plan for that, did you bitch?!

H'el drips blood that burns like acid and reveals that he was keeping the portals open psionically which is why he needed Superboy to free the ship from the Fueling Station. But what does that reveal about H'el? There's no way he's a Kryptonian! Perhaps he was a biological experiment created by Jor-el? Wounded although most likely not mortally, H'el falls backwards through one of the chronus-portals never to be heard from again! Well, as long as Scott Lobdell doesn't keep writing Superman. If Lobdell is still writing Superman around this time next year, I figure H'el will be back around then.

And then I get to have one of those rare moments where I scan in a scene by Lobdell that I really like! Enjoy this rare moment!

Such a well-written scene!

No, no. Just kidding! Although I should have saved that shot for the "THE END OF H'EL ON EARTH" Supergirl Bum Shot! Here's the real scene:

That'll happen when you hide Kryptonite in your hoo-ha.

Afterward, The Oracle wishes it could cheer because Superman didn't do anything Superman wasn't supposed to do anyway and has always done no matter how many times The Oracle experiences it. Except apparently time has changed because Lobdell says, "The past has been changed" in the teaser box for next issue. Also because H'el did make it back to Krypton with the Kryptonite stuck in his chest and without his time machine space ship.

So basically H'el spent all those years planning a plan that he didn't even need? He didn't need to suck up our solar system's energy to fuel his ship to travel back in time and through space. He simply had to open a chronus-portal and jump the fuck through all by himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

Superman #17 Rating: Let's do some math to figure out how I'll change the Ranking! I'll give it a +1 for the Supergirl stabbing H'el in the chest with the Kryptonite. And I'll give it another +1 for the homage to Crisis on Infinite Earths! It'll get another +1 for the leaving it up to her baby cousin line! That's +3 Rankings so far! But it'll get a -1 for the stupid ass build up to the Oracle that fucking did nothing. It gets a -1 for the stupid ass plan by H'el which completely failed and yet still delivered him to Krypton. It gets a -1 for stupid ass time travel post Flashpoint. So now it's even! Oh! It gets a -1 for Batman feeling Superman punch H'el all the way up in the satellite and Batman NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! Are you trying to make Batman look stupid, Mr. Lobdell?! So that means Superman gets a -1 Ranking this month! And that's simply because I'm being fucking kind. How dare you pull that Oracle shit, Mr. Lobdell. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Build up this bullshit character for months and then have it do absolutely nothing except make Superman think, "Great. Real helpful, that."

Fuck you.

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.

Superman #16

I am truly excited to learn about Oracle! I wonder why it chose the name "Oracle"? Is it obsessed with Earth just like every other alien in the universe? Or, being omniscient, does it know something we don't? Oh! Oracles know things we don't! But why choose an Earth word that describes something Oracle can do that wouldn't actually seem special to someone that can do it? Again, it must know something that forced it to choose the name Oracle which it has always chosen and always will choose and, being omniscient, never even actually had a choice. Or maybe "Oracle" just means bad ass motherfucker in its long dead space language.

Recent events in H'el on Earth have left The Flash on the Justice League Watchtower and the rest of the Justice League still trying to find H'el within the Fortress of Solitude. It's been rough going though because Scott Lobdell makes up new science fiction terms every page to hamper their pursuit. I think they fought a Mega-Future Bio-Enhanced Auto-calibrated Vestigial Socket Wrench from Pax Crustulum. Then they battled the Stratford-Avon String Theory Megamonkey from Globular Cluster 5ADoubleP. But once they bested the Flirtatious Florence Nightingale Battle Ball and taught her to love again, they were finally through the defenses. Except for Wonder Woman who was fighting a bajillion Kryptonian Battle Drones. She may have finished slaughtering those by now though.

This issue begins as a flashback to H'el beginning his space journey, hoping he'll "survive the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravitational pull." Well, that was awkward. How about just saying "the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravity"? But then I'm not a genius Kryptonian Space Genius working side by side with Jor-el, another really smart Kryptonian smart Kryptonian. I'm just a cynical asshole constantly poking Scott Lobdell with a long pointy stick with a sharp point.

I like how Scott Lobdell took a look at the word "universe" and decided the prefix was all wrong. "Uni doesn't describe the Universe correctly! It has more than one thing in it! It has everything in it! It should be the omniverse! And you don't just learn one subject at university! You learn them all! It should be an omniversity! And a unicycle doesn't just take you to one place! It takes you every place you want to go! It should be an omnicycle! The Unitarian Church doesn't just accept people that believe in one set of dogmatic rules! They accept people who believe all kinds of crazy things! They should be Omnitarians! I wonder why Omnivores aren't called Univores? I could have fixed that one as well!"

Jor-el gives H'el a Super Crest for his journey and H'el promises to live up to it by saving Krypton no matter what happens. I think he might be going a little overboard now. I believe he's suffering from Space Madness. If he were truly a good person that was trying to save Krypton because he promised people he loved, he should be able to realize that those people he promised would not ask nor want him to destroy an entire galaxy to change the events of the past. But Space Madness will make you blind to things like that. The main symptom of Space Madness is wildly trying to kill anything you possibly can while pretending that you are working toward some greater good. I wonder if Space Madness is covered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?

After H'el's magnificent story about everybody on Krypton coming out to watch the launch, Kara begins to get suspicious. She doesn't remember anything like that ever happening! But he's got such a magnificently shaved upper pubic region that she quickly dismisses any thoughts that H'el might be trying to deceive her. You go, Supergirl!

H'el should have a giant "D" on his chest. You know what I'm saying.

Meanwhile Superman and Wonder Woman and Cyborg and Superboy (but not Batman for some reason) are still battling Superman's collection of strange and exotic plants (which are his hobby). I guess I got ahead of myself earlier when I declared they were done battling the many dangerous things that Superman left lying around the Fortress of Solitude. Currently they're battling Gigantic Purple Hentai Eels.

"The only way to defeat them is to stop struggling, lie down, and die!"

Reading this bit, my spider sense is beginning to tingle. I'm beginning to understand why Batman can't trust Superman. He has all of these crazy weapons and creatures in the Fortress of Solitude. Why? He could just as easily destroy the weapons and keep his indoor outdoor safari zoo biodome place on another planet with no native life of its own. But instead he keeps it here on Earth and lies to everyone about what they are. Yes. I said it. He lies. Need proof?

See?! He's just making shit up as he goes along and then forgets what he just made up! First it's Aaricus Prime. Then it's Aarticus Prime! Well, Superman, what is it? I know it's not a fault of Scott Lobdell or DC's Editors since they're known for always doing an exemplary job.

Batman appears after the fight to tell everybody that they're doing their jobs wrong. That's it, Batman! Lead by douchebaggery! It's the fucking American Way now, isn't it? And what better way to fight the fucking xeno H'el than with American Shitkickeristic Values and the Talk Downingness of Rich Fat Cats That Think They Know Better Because Their Orifices Are Stuffed With Money! Batman's new plan is to "go off-script." He passes around new scripts for everybody because God forbid they ad-lib their own material. Who in their right mind would think they could come up with a better plan than Batman? Only Batman could come up with a better plan than Batman. Unless not even Batman can come up with a better plan than Batman? Whichever one makes him sound smarter.

Batman's new plan is to let Superman and Superboy go on ahead to deal with H'el while the rest of the Justice League gets the fuck out of this comic book. Superboy battles Supergirl and Superman battles H'el. Judging by the last battles against H'el, this fight should only last a few panels before H'el pulls some magic Kryptonian Dragonrabbit out of his hat and either unravels their DNA or teleports them away or simply knocks them unconscious with his super super strength.

And whattya know? Superboy and Superman both get about one punch in before H'el teleports the Fortress of Solitude to somewhere else leaving the Justice League (and Superboy!) lying on the ice where the Fortress used to sit. At least the bad guy's ultimate powers have been consistently used. I was afraid Superman was going to get the upper hand for a second there.

Once H'el moves the Fortress, he activates his machine. The Justice League watches impotently from a distance as the end of the world is upon them. And meanwhile in the far reaches of space, Oracle continues to slowly crawl toward Earth so he can watch the show. What the fuck is his issue? He's obsessed with witnessing planets die? Is he a voyeur or a scientist? What's the difference between a voyeur and a scientist? One observes as a notes taker and the other observes while totes naked! And since the Oracle looks like a big naked crystal thing without a notebook, I think we know which one he is.

He's a gigantic cosmic buttplug! Who wants to take bets that when he arrives at Earth, he approaches it on the plane of the solar system with his head to Earth's north? I'm pretty sure cosmic creatures can't enter our solar system from the "subjective top" or "subjective bottom" of the horizontal plane in line with the planet's orbits.

Superman #16 Rating: No change. I think Scott Lobdell had to estimate how long the crossover he was doing would be and he overestimated by a few issues so now he's just vamping for time in this one. And the last page with the Oracle? Very nearly identical information from the last page of Supergirl #16. I thought I was going to learn more and now I'm disappointed and unfulfilled. Eh. I'm used to that feeling!

Supergirl #16

And H'el is Bizarro again. Maybe the covers shouldn't be finished so far in advance of the rest of the comic book.

Supergirl has major Kryptonian lady wood for H'el and has decided to join forces with him to return Krypton to its unexploded former glory. I hope H'el realizes that once they go back in time before Krypton was rubble, he's still going to have to stop it from exploding by destroying the End of the World Cult that blows it up. Unless it's the clones fucking with the weather systems that causes it to blow. Or maybe one of Jor-El's secret experiments is the cause. No, you know what I bet the cause of Krypton blowing up was? It was H'el traveling back in time! The energy he uses to fuel his time machine will probably go back with him only to explode deep within the center of the planet Krypton. So before that happens, let's hope Flash can talk Supergirl out of going back in time and killing herself as well.

Except according to Superman #0, Superman ends up back in time hanging around stalking his parents! I hope that part is just completely forgotten about so that years later everyone can go, "What the fuck was Lobdell on about? Superman on Krypton? When the fuck is that going to happen?"

This issue of Supergirl begins with H'el's story as told by Oracle's Horn Blower.

Okay. I guess the scar healed quickly over time. And it looks like he made the mark himself to alert whoever found him that he needed to see Superman. But since he made the mark while looking in the mirror, it came out backwards. And he was too loopy from space madness to realize it.

It's at this point in the story where Oracle's Horn Blower finds the body and blows the horn. This actually occurred back in Superman #1. It was a single page of the fishy guy blowing the horn and saying his task has finally been done and now he just has to be heard. And then an editor's note says to read Stormwatch to find out more about this. But Stormwatch simply recovered the horn and put it on the Eye of the Storm. Nothing ever came of it. Until Scott Lobdell decided it was to be used to summon an omniscient creature named Oracle. Although I still don't know why an omniscient creature would need to be summoned.

But that can wait until Scott Lobdell's Superman because it's just too silly to take place in Supergirl. This is a serious fucking comic book, not one of those Silver Age throwbacks written to children and social deviants. So instead of revealing more about Oracle's Horn Blower, this comic will be focusing on The Flash trying to remove Supergirl from H'el's influence.

Hey Flash. She probably can't understand you when you speak while running at super speed.

The Flash slows down long enough to drop some truth bombs on Kara which she obviously doesn't want to hear.

Flash: "H'el is a bad guy, Kara!"
Supergirl: "Go fuck yourself, Flash! You can't tell me who to date!"
Flash: "He's just using you to destroy the world!"
Supergirl: "You're just jealous!"
Flash: "You're not thinking straight! You've spent too much time being written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!"
Supergirl: "Lecture much? I don't have to listen to you! You're not my father!"

Eventually Supergirl just decides to break his skull. It doesn't work because The Flash has weird vibrating powers that Supergirl has felt before.

I feel a FWAAASH! coming on!

The Flash vibrates himself and Supergirl through a wall and into Superman's Zoo of Solitude. This is the third zoo to grace a plot in this month of The New 52! Damian and Fake Batman ran about the Gotham Zoo in Batman and Robin #16. And Grifter had a climactic last battle in a nameless city zoo in Grifter #16. I don't think there will be any polar bears in Superman's zoo though. He just keeps exotic alien species in his Zoo which are probably all against some kind of Earth law. And even if there isn't an Earth law against it, how smart is it to bring a strange creature into a new environment? If it gets out, it's going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Superman, you're an irresponsible jerk!

They only spend a couple of pages fighting strange creatures before Flash vibrates them through another wall. The Fortress of Solitude is like its own city! It has dangerous robots and dangerous weapons and dangerous animals and dangerous gadgets. I have a feeling Batman is going to have some strong and disapproving words for Superman when this is all over.

The next room they end up in is only dangerous if you don't have the proper treats.

I wonder if Krypto simply means "dog" in Kryptonian? So Krypton is "The Place of Dogs."

Stupid animals in media. They get me every time! The greeting between Krypto and Supergirl is very sweet seeing as how Supergirl had no idea the big dumb dog survived. While Supergirl is distracted by dog kisses, The Flash zips out to find some secret weapon Superman told him to use as a last resort. It's some weird suit of armor that I've never seen or heard of before. But that's okay because The Flash explains where it came from in the most general terms possible! It was created by an "evil genius" Superman fought "off-planet" a "couple years back." Superman has had so many adventures in five years (possibly a few more) that the Fortress is stuffed full of crazy trophies.

I'm still curious about Superman's ability to fly. He couldn't fly at the beginning of Action Comics. Is it because he just hadn't absorbed enough sunlight yet? Supergirl has no problem flying. Or is it because of their special graduation suits they wear? Or does Superman have a Legion Flight Ring shoved up his colon?

The Flash doesn't save Kara because H'el comes along to do one of those fight ending things he does with no explanation as to how he does it. He teleports Flash to the Justice League Satellite. And since teleportation has never been a Kryptonian power, who is this fucker?

The Supergirl part of the story ends with Supergirl and H'el making kissy faces at each other. And then in space on the way to Earth, an all-powerful impossibility awakens!

Being omniscient sucks. This poor bastard Oracle has to travel all the way to Earth knowing the whole time that he's not going to accomplish whatever horrible thing he's supposed to accomplish. But he can't not go because he knows he goes so he has to go even though he knows he's going to fail. Omniscience is a fucking curse.

Supergirl #16 Rating: No change. I think I find the Supergirl parts of this crossover the best parts because I have a huge bias against Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. It didn't start out as an irrational bias but it might have gotten a bit out of control by this point. It started out because they sucked at writing and because they didn't know that the arctic and Antarctica are two different places. But now I just see their names on the cover of a comic book and my brain explodes.

Ugh. According to the advert in this issue, the H'el on Earth crossover still has four more issues to go.

Superboy Annual #1

Fuck you, DC! How dare you make me read two Tom DeFalco Superboy titles in one month!

Last issue, Superboy informed me that his name was Superboy and that he was a clone created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon! And I just read that comic book last week so he'd better not remind me again! Although since this is an Annual, DC probably thinks they'll be luring in a bunch of new readers (even though it's in the middle of a crossover) and so Superboy will have to explain, once again, who the fuck he is and what his sorry ass is all about (it's about being a living weapon!).

Oh that's so cute! Superboy is proud of his idiotic decision to follow Superman into this dimension after Superman risked his life to keep Superboy out of this dimension. What a jerk.

I expect this weird and wacky dimension the Superguys have found themselves in will be terribly exciting and full of strange science fiction ideas that nobody with at least a 9th grade science education would find compelling. Right off the bat Superman tells Superboy that the dimension they're in "operates under different rules for time, matter and space" so DeFalco doesn't have to justify anything he writes in this issue. Perhaps I'll just pretend to read it.

I always say that and then I never actually do it. I did write a completely false commentary for the last issue of Blackhawks but I still read the comic book. I hope this Annual sells really well and everybody that reads it will realize Tom DeFalco is shitting all over Superboy and the regular title isn't worth picking up. But I have a feeling that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are entrenched in this DC regime due to their friendships with the people in charge. Plus they simply vomit up crappy stories that don't really go anywhere month after month, so they easily make their deadlines. I guess I'm stuck with them.

The pocket dimension is home to some mysterious entities that decide they're going to toy with the Superguys. They don't have any actual reason to fuck with them. They just "hope they prove amusing." I guess when you're trapped in a pocket dimension for a very long timeless amount of time, boredom becomes your number one enemy. So fucking with the Superguys is simply about defeating boredom and killing a few non-minutes.

Meanwhile back in the Fortress of Solitude, Cyborg and Batman have everything figured out.

Thanks, Cyborg. So very helpful.

The Superfellas have been transported into a new pocket dimension by the fun loving mystery aliens. Superboy freaks out that Superman isn't freaking out and then Superboy repeats the same shit he keeps repeating over and over again. Fucking DeFalco can only write one comic book story. And he keeps reprinting it over and over again each month in Superboy.

Superboy has said this in every comic he's been in with Superman so far. And he says it as if it's a matter of fact. As if there is no possible way there are thousands and thousands of various theories and opinions on Superman. Nope. People either love and trust him or don't trust him at all. That's it! Superman deconstructed in one sentence. Tom DeFalco wins.

The panel immediately after this one has Superman explain that H'el is going to drain the energy from the solar system. That's the third time someone in this comic book has explained that in ten pages. I sure hope I don't forget the danger they're all in. The tension just keeps getting ratcheted up every time someone reminds me of H'el's plan!

Superman and Superboy battle some gigantic dirt clods for a bit before being sucked into a new pocket dimension by the mysterious couple watching them.

The plan has changed! Forget playing with them! Use them for a means of escape! I mean, that makes more sense but it just seems like DeFalco thought of it halfway through the comic book.

As you see, I have no respect for DeFalco's ability to plan a story. I know he's just fucking winging it from page to page.

Superboy is a fucking annoying brat. I guess that's how DC wants to portray him. Perhaps editorial thinks they're portraying Superboy as rebellious and mistrustful of adults. But he really just comes across as a stubborn ass playing the victim that purposefully misconstrues the actions of others to paint them in a negative light. Superboy is fucking tumblr!

Shut up shut up shut up! I can't imagine anyone likes this Reboot version of Superboy. Pouty. Whiny. Confrontational. I certainly have no empathy for him and yet his actual origin story should make him a tragic character. Instead he's just a tra-dick character.

Superman is being nothing but patient with Superboy and every response is a shitty attack. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if this book were written better. But too many of the teen characters that Lobdell and DeFalco write have this horrible attitude.

I'm sure Superboy's attitude can be defended on a shallow level being that his life is a gigantic confusing mess. But this attitude is the same attitude Jason Todd has toward Superman as well. I think Jason Todd even says the thing about people believing that Superman is either a hero or a threat. I guess DeFalco and Lobdell live in their own world where that's all anybody thinks about Superman. And it's too bad because Lobdell is currently writing Superman, so he's going to fuck that shit up real quick.

The device the Superdudes have become trapped in turns out to be a female healing pod which has been taking over by two evil entities known as Blastor and Lasara. Superboy bonds with the healing pod because it's being used the way he's being used. So he decides to save it. He mouths off to Superman inappropriately about a half dozen more times before they finally engage in a fight with Blastor and Lasara to free themselves and the healing pod.

Superboy comes up with some plan that might make some sense if the reader were still interested in the comic book by the time they got to it. Seeing as how I wasn't, I didn't really pay attention. Something about removing all the negative influences on the healing pod and allowing it to teleport the bad guys to an empty galaxy at the ass-end of the universe. Somewhere along the way, Superboy thanks Superman for helping him learn a lesson but also bitches at Superman for lecturing him in the same breath. And Superboy and Superman return to the Fortress of Solitude but not before Superboy falls in love with a female healing pod. Too bad she's decided to cut herself off from this dimension. And now that the Superguys are back, they can continue on with the regularly scheduled program in Superman #16. Even though Supergirl #16 is next. I guess that comic isn't very important to the H'el on Earth story. I think they just made a mistake because H'el and Supergirl are done building their device. Now it's up to The Flash to rescue Supergirl and delay the launch.

Superboy Annual #1 Rating: It was like having to listen to a teenager that insists they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. Sometimes you just need to shut up and listen. Here's a secret: you don't learn more as you get older and thus think you're smarter or wiser or better than young people. As you get older, you realize more and more how much you don't know and never can know and become more and more humble when debating points. Well, you do if you're lucky. A whole lot of people never budge from a foundational way of thinking. Everything they believe stems from some unchanging base philosophy and they never actually grow and change. They just get more and more set in their ways. Fucking old people! I hate how they insist they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. I wish they'd all just shut up already.