Shadow Thief #1

That's a really unfortunate placement for Catwoman's knee. But that's the kind of shit that happens when you just reuse the same backgrounds over and over again because you think nobody will notice due to Lenticular Blindness.

They've dropped the dash in Shadow Thief's name for The New 52 which seems to be something they're doing on most characters that has punctuation in their name. I can't think of any others at the moment but the thought is in my head so it must be true. They even cleaned up I...Vampire because who needs a fucking ellipsis in your comic book title? Just throw a comma in there! It'll save ink! But dropping the dash, does that now make the name a little less clear? Now is she a thief that steals shadows as opposed to a thief that is a shadow evidence by the dash connecting the descriptor to the noun.

Is that how that works? Who can remember the rules of your own language unless you've really studied a second language? I know how to put words together to, usually, express coherent thoughts. Am I supposed to be able to describe how and why it all works too? I suppose if I want to seem professional and maybe make money at it and possibly answer Tumblr asks in a slightly humble yet obviously super hoity-toity way like Neil Gaiman!

I'm fairly certain (not due to all of the research I have done but due to my cynical gut feeling and jumped to conclusions) that Neil Gaiman really wants people to "make good art" because he knows most people will just produce shit art and then he can look at it and laugh and laugh and laugh all the way down to the proverbial bank where he stores his laughter safely while earning a proper interest on it. Neil knows you have to make your laughter work for you.

Oh Neil Gaiman! You were lucky The Sandman came out before Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was on the scene! But I'm here now, so you'd better hope The Sandman Overture is a masterpiece! Even if it is, I will be drawing dicks on Morpheus in Photoshop and posting them to Tumblr.

The writer on Shadow Thief #1 is Tom DeFalco. Hey buddy! I've missed you! I can't wait to see how much you've improved in your time away. At least you didn't begin the comic with, "My name is Shadow Thief." Although you did begin with a splash page. But to your credit, I think this one actually works as a good beginning point.

This is going to be a short comic book.

Carla Sands (or whatever her name was. Hawkman ended a long time ago! And I'm shit with names!) is a member of the Mossad (which you probably know if you read the tiny Narration Boxes in the scan above). I believe the Mossad are like Israeli Avon. Apparently the people in this high-rise really didn't like any of her products. As she's falling, she thinks about how she's fighting a war against aliens invading the Earth. I remember that and now I'm wondering why she's in Villains Month! Is it because she's like Javert and is entrenched in foundational thinking with no flexibility or leeway for exceptions to her darling rules? So she makes no distinction between Superman and Doomsday. Thus making her a villain. Or, at the least, a big stubborn racist jerk. Which isn't a great "least" but there you have it.

There may also be other reasons which I'd learn if I'd just sit down and keep reading the stupid comic book.

Earlier as she was hunting down the arms dealers that would eventually throw her out of a window, she notices the world has kind of gone to shit.

At least she's aware of her prejudices.

During her flashback, Shadow Thief gives a quick rundown on her powers. She can enter the Shadow Realm through any shadow on Earth. The Shadow Realm is full of portals that lead back to any place on Earth (I assume any place with a shadow). Her Shadow Skin allows her to become insubstantial and to create Shadow Weapons which she uses to kill aliens. She has a trust problem and only seems to trust herself. Inside the Shadow Realm are hostile, mindless (possibly) Shadow Creatures which attack her on sight and created her Shadow Skin. I think they created her Shadow Skin by growing it on themselves and then she took it. And most of this rambling, expository paragraph was just to put some distance between the last picture and this following one that I think Chad Hardin did an amazing job on.

I really liked his work on Demon Knights and couldn't be happier that he's working on Harley Quinn. Okay, I guess I'd be happier if Amanda Conner were actually drawing Harley Quinn. But Chad Hardin is a fine substitute.

Shadow Thief looks quite a bit like April Winchell in the next panel that I didn't scan. If you're curious about that comparison, you can think of it as a homework assignment and do the research yourself.

One of the men in the arms deal gone bad is an old acquaintance of Aviva (that's her name!). And by "acquaintance," I mean "spy fuck buddy." Those terms are nearly synonymous. At least the way I use them. From her conversation with her fuck buddy, we learn that Aviva is a steel stomached, cold hearted killing machine that does what (she thinks) needs to be done. No qualms. No worries. No regrets. Fire and forget. Kill and chill. These attributes might be the things that make her a villain.

Aviva continues to have flashbacks as she falls because they have some ridiculously tall buildings in Dubai.

Look at that panel border in the lower right corner! Goddammit, Hardin! You still haven't purchased that t-square I recommended back in Demon Knights?!

I bet Mister Q is Green Arrow! It's hard to tell by his looks because, and this is helpful information for people new to comic books, different artists draw people slightly differently. Or quite differently when they're drawing King Shark. Fuck me, how many versions of that character exist?

It turns out Mister Q is not Oliver Queen. He's the beginning of Aviva's origin story. I didn't realize the A.R.G.U.S. story was beginning after she had to flee the Mossad for killing her commander and initiating a missile strike on an area full of civilians. Mister Q sends her for a case which contains a biohazard and a suit. Her mother and brother (the family that fled to America with her) were biochemists and they decided to test the biohazard. It blew up in their faces and melted them down inside the sealed chamber where they were examining it. Aviva grabbed the suit out of the case and put it on thinking that it was protective wear against the virus. But it was the Shadow Suit and she accidentally traveled for the first time to the office of Mister Q where he called her a thief. So that's why the dash is missing! She did steal a shadow!

And to finish out her origin, the explanation for her hatred and mistrust of aliens!

While falling in her reverie, Aviva manages to change into her Shadow Skin and slip into the shadows of her trench coat to enter the Shadow Realm. I guess her momentum has no effect on her as she enters the Shadow Realm? She doesn't just splat on a wall or ceiling or floor as she hurtles through the Shadow Portal at 122 miles per hour? I know, I know! Comic book logic! She exits the Shadow Realm back in the room she'd just been thrown out of where she proceeds to kill everybody but her fuck buddy. Although all the blood and violence and gore has probably killed the mood a bit if she were keeping him alive for old time's sake.

Oh, Shadow Thief just disarms him and sends him back to the Mossad with a message to not deal with aliens or else.

Shadow Thief is the ginchiest. I think that's a positive thing you say about someone you have a crush on.

Shadow Thief #1 Rating: A Tom DeFalco story that I actually liked. He must have gone to some writing workshops while he was away. What I liked about this issue is that it really pretty much ignored the overall Crime Syndicate story and Shadow Thief had no real enemy because Hawkman was cancelled, so it was free to just tell her tale. And as an origin, it was well done in that I'm now fully prepared to enjoy Shadow Thief stories because I really feel like I know her. This was a really well done character portrait of a woman losing herself in paranoia, grief, and power. Plus Chad Hardin's art is not hard to look at. He draws an adorable Shadow Thief.

I wonder if I'm been in any lakes recently with brain eating bacteria because I just liked Scott Lobdell and a Tom DeFalco origin stories back to back. Although I liked DeFalco's story overall and I just liked Lobdell's explanation of H'el while the writing was kind of poo.

The Salvaged Hawkman #20

Have I run my Salvaged Hawkman joke into the ground yet? I would still be using Turds of Prey if Duane were still writing it! That was my favorite.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman found himself thrown into an abandoned well.

More like The Melodramatic Hawkman, amirite?! "Hey, Hawkman! While you're down there, make sure there aren't any bones or anything that need to be brought up and given a proper burial to end some kind of horrible curse."

Tom DeFalco must have learned to write from an ancient wise clown that believed writing needed to be like clown make-up: big, bold, and over-the-top so the reader understands the emotion of the piece. So on the first page, DeFalco smears a great big greasepaint grimace all over the book so the reader understands how much pain Hawkman is in, both physically and emotionally. He even uses the phrase "an infinity of agony" just in case you think Hawkman might be faking. Nope! Not faking! His pain is infinite, bitches! This man hasn't hurt like this since he crashed to Earth on the night of the hurricane! Oh snap! How is that for foreshadowing! Or backshadowing? Flashadowingback? Whatever it's called, Tom DeFalco just rained down some hooks for more Hawkman history, so y'all better be as intrigued as I am!

No, no. Hopefully you're more intrigued. Because as a cynical asshole, I can't really bring myself to care.

Next Hawkman checks his messages on his cell phone even though "his body screams in protest" and "every movement" tears through him "like a rusty dagger." Fuck dude. Lay off the greasepaint already. I get it! Hawkman is a sad clown in pain.

If just pulling his phone out of his pocket is this hard, how is he going to get out of the well. Granted, pulling a cell phone out of the front pocket of jeans can be the most difficult thing in the world depending on how you're sitting. Climbing out of the well might actually be easier.

Then the Nth metal tries to ooze out of him but he strains to keep it back like a fifteen year old boy trying to keep from ejaculating into his pants during his first slow dance. Fuck, do kids even slow dance anymore or is all just anal sex right on the dance floor? I'm so fucking old. Um, anyway, the reason Carter doesn't want to transform into Hawkman is because he's afraid to begin crying once he realizes his wings may not come back. And he needs to save Emma, not cry in front of her. Or down the well in front of her, anyway. So he decides to climb out of the well as Carter Hall!

Good fucking luck. Have you ever tried to climb out of a well before, Carter Hall? I'll tell you, I haven't. So maybe it's easy. I don't know. I'm just a guy reading a comic book at five in the morning wishing that the breakfast place around the corner was already open.

Here's some clown wisdom for the ages. Be sure to use it to advance your career at whatever shitty office job you might have (or may eventually) find yourself:

I don't know how you actually fight beyond all these things but it's not my place explain the mysterious ambiguousness of clown wisdom.

Too bad this wisdom doesn't help with climbing wells because Hawkman's thought is interrupted when he plummets back down. Perhaps if he could fight beyond short, stubby fingers.

Eventually Carter Hall just cheats and uses the Nth metal to create a claw that helps him scale his way out. So much for "if he has to escape this pit, it must be as Carter Hall." I guess 95% Carter Hall is close enough.

Meanwhile, Doctor Phaser is shaken down by Emma for information.

Did the Doctor always have an accent or does Tom DeFalco have trouble with the "o" and "oo" words just like the entirety of the internet?

The Omniscient Narrator continues to tell Hakwman's story as Carter climbs to the top of the well. It begins with "after escaping Thanagar, he ran directly into the hurricane which forced his starship into the Atlantic." That's one enormous hurricane if it stretched from the orbit of Thanagar to the oceans of Earth! Immediately after that, the doctors renamed him Carter Hall and FEMA helped him establish the identity of Carter Hall because why the fuck not? And then after he was released from the hospital, he ran directly into college where he met Emma. That's quite the fucking synopsis! Thanks, Tom DeFalco, for boiling down the whole of Hakwman's history into six stale fart Narration Boxes. Now I know everything I ever needed to know about Hawkman's transition from Katar Hol to Carter Hall! It was all a goofy mix-up! And even though the story is lacking in details or Hawkman's feelings or his reasons for going to college or how he paid for it or which college it may have been or why FEMA is committing crimes by creating false identities, at least it clears up nothing else as well.

Once Hawkman crawls from the well, he calls Amanda Waller and asks for the Justice League of America to come help him out. As if Amanda answers to Hawkman. If it isn't in Amanda's plan, it isn't going to happen. So suck it, Hawkman. You're going to have to transform, wings or no wings.

Without wings, his life as Hawkman is over. He will now be transformed into a gigantic pickle.

Eventually, Hawkman emerges from his cocoon not as a gigantic pickle but as The Salvaged Hawkman from the cover! Nearly dying almost always calls for a new look. Also, Tom DeFalco must love the phrase "jolts awake" since he's now used it twice in one comic book. Also, the Melodrama Boxes inform the reader that Hawkman now barely remembers Emma but he may still love her. Oh, that's so fucking romantic I'm weeping rose petals.

The best part about the newly transformed Hawkman?

His gigantic cock!

The Savage Cockman, amirite?!

Let us take a brief respite from the action to enjoy the soothing sounds of The Salvaged Hawkman's action scenes.

SPWA-QWOOOOMP!

THWOOK!

PTWAMMM!

SQAA-PWOOM!

SPUUKWOWK!

SPWA-TAMM!

KWA-TWOOOM!

SPWAA-DWOOOM!

Ahhh. Wasn't that refreshing? And now back to Hawkman.

Somehow Emma realizes that this new Hawkman might possibly mean that Carter Hall is no more. The penis may have been her biggest, most amazing, drool inducing, underwear ruining clue. That's a double entendre! It's subtle and you may not have gotten it if I hadn't pointed it out!

Man, I just can't stop thinking about that penis!

Back to the fight between Hawkman and Blockbuster, Hawkman starts spewing a lot of psychological bullshit at Blockbuster as he beats him. And just like I subtly clued everyone in to my big penis joke, Tom DeFalco makes sure the reader knows Hawkman is not just psychoanalyzing Blockbuster but himself as well! Which may have been an interesting twist if anything Hawkman was saying had anything at all to do with Blockbuster or the human Mark that serves as his host! Mark wasn't trying to gain anything except a cure for his Alzheimer's and yet Hawkman accuses him of wanting power, for "exchanging his humanity for mere power" and thinking "power is all he needs to feel whole" and that he "embrace[s] it like a desperate lover." Mark didn't think any of those things! He was just taking treatments for his condition and then was in an accident caused by Professor Ziegler!

I guess he's not doing anything different than what most of humanity does. Judging other people through their own flaws and desires.

Just after Hawkman punches Blockbuster dozens of feet into the air, Simon Baz arrives to contain him. But he wasn't sent by Waller because Hawkman called and was in trouble. No, he was sent to grab Hawkman for a new mission. Just like I said. Everything is done by Waller's timetable and fuck you if you think you're going to demand something from her. Like, you know, life saving or rescue.

Hawkman takes this time to finally respond to Emma's ultimatum with a "Fuck you" and an "I'm outta here" and a "How dare you give me an ultimatum?!" Or maybe he just barely remembers her or Carter Hall because he sort of died and was reborn as Katar Hol. Or something. How the fuck should I know?! It's not any more clear than why he began Issue #1 with burning his Nth Metal Outfit!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Good fucking riddance. This comic book was a complete mess from Issue #1 and it only got worse, especially after Liefeld got his non-artistic hands all over it. For what it's worth (nothing? What does that even mean?), Tom DeFalco did improve the quality of the comic book somewhat. But he had the easy task of just putting it out of its misery. This is one comic book that deserves to be retired at Rank #52.

...my gigantic cock!

The Salvaged Hawkman #19

Yay! This is the last of these stupid double wide covers that don't fit on my scanner!

Blockbuster is tearing Hawkman's wing off on the cover. Since Carter Hall doesn't walk around with wings, I suppose they're grown by the Nth Metal. So I suspect this is only a temporary setback for Hawkman and he'll have two wings again in no time.

My favorite ever moment with Blockbuster was when he was killed in Legends. Unless that was a different guy and a different comic book series.

Last issue, Shadow Thief stormed off in a huffy shadow and Emma pouted off in an ultimatum. It was the worst day of Hawkman's life when it comes to dealing with women. But now he's ready for a new day to dawn on the day's dawn! He's got a gig with Justice League of America and people are beginning to respect him. Sure, he's still being written by Tom DeFalco but what can you do? Some day, I'll get over being a gigantic prick to these writers and I'll only say nice things. Maybe that day is today! Instead of being mean, I'm just going to take that one stupid person's advice: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say shitty things instead." I think Jesus said that. I'm sorry I called Jesus stupid. But you never know! It's not like The Bible printed his IQ or his standardized test results or anything.

So, Tom DeFalco! Are you ready for me to read your comic book and only say nice things? Shocking, isn't it? Any time I want to be mean, I'll just say, "_______________!"

Man, I hope this entire commentary doesn't just end up being one long underscore.

Tom DeFalco opens the comic book with a simile.

"__________________!"

Hawkman is already battling Blockbuster when the comic book begins. And Blockbuster is apparently the most powerful fucking man in the universe ever because he crushes Hawkman's Nth Metal Mace with his bare hand! I had no idea Blockbuster had such amazing power levels! He's amazing! Too bad Hawkman is inextricably drawn to this battle like a sharpened knife to an exposed throat or else he'd be able to flee like a polished spoon from a terrified narwhal.

But then Tom DeFalco decides that this is too much action for the reader to handle right off the bat, so he takes us back in time 24 hours to find out how Hawkman pissed off Blockbuster. It probably has something to do with Catwoman since Blockbuster captured Catwoman at the end of Justice League of America #3. Unless it has something to do with Emma. Or Shadow Thief. Or Hawkman's mom. I'm just throwing out any old woman now! That's not as misogynistic as it sounds!

So before Hawkman got his Nth Metal crushed by Blockbuster, he was flying around Manhattan thinking, "No way in hell I'm joining that stupid ass Justice League of America with those knob flobbers Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor!" "Knob Flobber" is a Thanagarian insult meaning a person who flobs knobs.

"Or I have to wash my hair. Or volunteer at the animal shelter. Or get my wing ripped off by Blockbuster."

Who thinks "J.L. of A."? I know it's Justice League of America but everyone just thinks of it as the JLA! Who is this guy? Some kind of alien that doesn't know the standard convention for shortening The Justice League of America? I guess I should forgive him for that. I'm still not sure if it's Batman or The Batman!

Oh wait! It's The Goddamned Batman! Whew. I knew I knew that one!

The next morning, Carter and Emma take Emma's father to Rest Haven where they meet that other guy that was strapped down and costing medical science a lot of money. Tom DeFalco seems to think that people with Alzheimer's and other memory problems simply say "ahhh" after every three or four normal words. He probably learned that from his great research he's done on the disease. I hope they find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease soon. It's just so depressing to watch great minds descend into a constant state of inserting "ahhh" into every sentence. So sad.

Emma's father isn't too lost in his dementia to remember his doctor's name and to seek him out on his own while Emma and Carter remain outside with the other looney tunes patient.

Why does he throw the posable artist model into the trash? Is that a metaphor for tossing out all past medical knowledge in favor of bullshit and mumbo-jumbo?

Emma's father decides to stay overnight with the Nazi Dr. Phayne. Also there is an old covered well on Rest Haven's property that might become important later because it was drawn in the foreground of a long shot. Maybe that's just me being overly influence by Ringu.

After dumping off the old man at Rest Haven, Carter and Emma go home to Carter's apartment so he can thought bubble "JLA" correctly and then have a relationship talk with her. Dump her, Carter! Dump her now!

Or take a dump on her. Whatever. I'm not here to judge.

But before Carter can tell Emma that he chooses the half of the ultimatum that gives him his freedom, Emma's dad calls and interrupts. He may have Alzheimer's but he knows a screwy place when he checks himself into one and spends a number of hours there listening to the other patient scream his head off. While he's on the phone, he stumbles into Dr. Phayne's lab where he's treating Mark, the young man that says "ahhh" all of the time.

This is what happens when you let people with dementia have free reign to stumble around your hospital. Well, this and little cups of ketchup for dipping Doritos in stashed under all the beds.

Because they heard a "SKRASHH" and a "PWA-DA-QWOOOM" over the phone, Carter detects that something is wrong! He transforms into Hawkman and flies off to Rest Haven! Of course he has to take Emma with him. Again.

When Hawkman arrives at Rest Haven, he finds Professor Ziegler, Emma's dad, transformed into Blockbuster! Or a Blockbuster like-a-look, anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter. Apparently a lot of people can be Blockbuster! They just have to stumble into the right Alzheimer's Experimental Treatment Lab and smash everything in sight. That's because the experimental treatment used Steroids. And everybody knows that Steroids makes you super muscular if you shower in them. Perhaps lightning struck at the same time. That's a reasonable explanation for the transformation.

Except Mark is the one that really turned into Blockbuster! He's about ten times bigger than Emma's dad and Emma's dad has probably already forgotten that he was a raging lunatic monster and gone to lie down. But now Mark...ahhh...is attacking Hawkman who...ahhh...has been drawn to this...ahhh...battle like a frigid fork...ahhh...to an overheated casserole.

During the battle, Emma accidentally gets knocked out by her father and Hawkman gets one wing ripped off. Now he matches my Super Powers Hawkman Action Figure from the 80s which lost a wing when I drove The Batmobile off the back porch with Hawkman riding shotgun! I was just ahead of my time!

But then the real battle begins: Blockbuster versus Blockbuster!

How does the real Blockbuster fit in to all of this?

And then the covered well comes into play as Hawkman is tossed to the bottom of it! Score: Master Comic Book Reader: 1016. DC Comics: 24. And that's being charitable!

The Salvaged Hawkman #19 Rating: No change. "____________________________!"

The Salvaged Hawkman #18

I don't remember Hawkman being defeated by Yu-Gi-Oh?

Last issue, Tom DeFalco actually wrote a story that allowed me to rationalize this entire series. Up until last issue, this series was just a steaming pile. It was an embarrassing, putrid growth on the backside of DC Comics. I still don't care about Hawkman but at least I'm not completely confused by it. I don't usually repeat big chunks of text from previous commentaties but I think this bit is especially important for understanding The Salvaged Hawkman.

If Carter Hall’s personality is affected by the change into Hawkman, he may have been trying to destroy the armor because he was afraid of what he was becoming. Perhaps when he first escaped to Earth, he took on a human persona to try to escape paying for his “crimes” on Thanagar. It’s possible he even used some kind of technology to forget his real identity of Katar Hol. But the Nth metal was slowly drawing out his real identity every time he wore it, possibly making him angrier and angrier. Perhaps he killed someone the night before he tried to burn the suit! Desperate and afraid, he drove out to the forest, drunk and scared. He burned the suit hoping to be rid of the confusion it engendered in him. Instead he and the suit became one! Ever since then, his memories were beginning to come back. He began investigating the Nth metal to try and combine the disparate wisps of memory floating to the surface of his mind. While doing so, he must have dropped clues at libraries and research centers that were picked up on by mercenaries like Xerxes who were searching for the mysterious Nth metal. His encounter with Xerxes alerted even more people like Pike who was searching for him because of his crimes on Thanagar. And then when he encountered Shayera, his memories completely came back and he realized how he had been living a false life. It kind of falls apart after that when he lets Shayera go and then begins hunting her again. But maybe he didn’t realize he had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask until after he sent her off into space. L’esprit de l’escalier, sort of. In a way.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman and Shadow Thief escaped into the Shadow Realm rather than being blown to bits by a Thanagarian Buster Bomb. And it is in The Shadow Realm where this issue begins!

I had to just recheck the cover to make sure they hadn't changed the title to "The Melodramatic Hawkman!"

The Savage Hawkman can stand against any man or monster but he is ill-prepared to battle the cold! The Nth Metal can form weapons and armor but it just can't make a decent sweater.

Hawkman learns that Shadow Thief is willing to kill men bringing alien death to her home planet of Earth. She gets defensive when he questions her about killing and sentencing them to death but she really shouldn't. I'm pretty sure he's impressed by her tactics. Other creatures live in the Shadow Realm and they threaten Hawkman and the Shadow Thief. She can apparently enter the Shadow Realm from anywhere on Earth but to exit the Realm, she needs to find a portal. So they go looking for a way back as the readers get to catch up with Emma and her dad.

Emma's dad is being nice and sweet and that's only making Emma's decision to send him off to an old person concentration camp called "Rest Haven" more difficult.

Back in the Shadow Realm, The Shadow Thief tells Hawkman an abridged version of her origin. Suffice to say, she's mad at the people in charge and she no longer trusts them and now she's taken it upon herself to save the world! I think Hawkman likes her. For an agent of the Mossad, she sure does talk a lot about herself. Sure, she speaks in generalities to Hawkman. But she should know better than anyone (except Batman!) that you keep your fucking mouth shut. Otherwise you're just giving other people an advantage over you. Maybe it's exactly her training that leads her to tell Hawkman just enough so that he knows she's dangerous. How should I know exactly why she does what she does?! I've never been trained as an assassin or spy or covert agent for a secret organization that I assure you you've never heard of and if you think you have it was just the ramblings of a paranoid schizophrenic.

Meanwhile at "Rest Haven":

Yeah, science comes at a cost, Mark! Just not one that the doctor is willing to pay! So you'll have to pick up the check, buddy boy!

And then back in the Shadow Realm, Shadow Thief's other shadow shoe drops. She asks Hawkman to share his story because she already shared hers. So it was a gambit to gather more information for herself. She tells him a vague story about how she found the Shadow Skin and she tries to convince him to tell her all about his Nth Metal Skin. She's a tricky one! And slippery! And sexy! Is it weird that my shadow is turning me on right now?

Once Hawkman finishes his story about coming from Thanagar, The Shadow Thief rewards him by trying to kill him. Even though his story mostly matches her in that he was used and abused by authority and learned not to trust them. The only thing The Shadow Thief hears is that he's a stupid alien. They spar for a bit because otherwise the comic book wouldn't be exciting. The Shadow Thief may just be trying to gauge Hawkman's abilities while showcasing her ability to turn insubstantial at will. I don't think the fracas is too serious since they stop just as quickly as they began because they're suddenly threatened by a common enemy in The Shadow Realm's residents.

Hawkman takes a blow that might have killed Shadow Thief. His armor heals him but Shadow Thief is a bit pissed off that he went and saved her life when it goes against her xenophobia. I guess now that her entire worldview has been shattered by this encounter, she has to sing about the unchanging stars and jump off a fucking bridge. Or she can rescue him and leave their relationship a bit up in the air. While they could have made a good team, it seems Shadow Thief is just a bit too violent for even the Savage Hawkman. And she can't stand him because he's one of those aliens she hates, even if his goal is the same as hers. So they ramp up the sexual tension between the two and then Shadow Thief takes off.

You know what would have made this moment even more interesting to me? If Shadow Thief was still a guy.

Later Hawkman has one of those interminable arguments with his increasingly less significant other.

There it is! The ultimatum! My stance is that whenever anybody gives you an ultimatum, you always take the choice they didn't actually want you to take. Fuck them and their controlling ways!

I hope this relationship ends soon. I despise it. When Tony Daniel was writing, it was sort of a possible mutual attraction where Carter was a bit shy and awkward around her and uncertain how to ask her out. And then they may have gone on one date under Daniel's writing when the Gentleman's Ghost and the Zombie outbreak and Static's guest appearance happened (I might be making some of that stuff up. Stupid memory). But then when Liefeld took over, they were basically a couple and running around the world together because fuck Emma's responsibilities! She's in love! I guess. Whatever. I loathe this relationship and how it developed. Or didn't develop. So please just end it.

The Savage Hawkman #18 Rating: No change. Sorry, Hawkman. You just weren't good enough to justify climbing up out of the bottom rank and shoving the Teen Titans into the bottom slot. Although the Teen Titans really were bad enough to be there! These books just are not very entertaining.

Superboy #18

Driven insane by his new toupee?

I was pretty excited when I heard Tom DeFalco was off Superboy. But I knew in my heart of hearts that Scott Lobdell would be taking control of this comic book once again. Why can't they just reprint Jeff Lemire's Superboy run from before the Reboot? It would probably have less problems with continuity! But since that isn't going to happen, I guess it's time to find out if Superboy's DNA completely unravels or not.

Unless that was somehow solved with H'el getting sent back in time?

As I open to the first page and read, "My name is Superboy. I'm a clone created by an organization called N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and designed to be a living weapon," I know Tom DeFalco has not yet completely left this title. And then I see the credits which show the Plot was by Tott Dedell!

Does Tott Dedell get two paychecks for Superboy #18? Will this comic be twice as crappy as usual? Will Tony Lee get a chance to write any speech bubbles with all the fucking Narration Boxing going on?

To be fair to Supeboy, he really is still an infant. He shouldn't have any real idea of causality at this point in his life. He should know his wants and desires and a pressing need to have those wants and desires filled. He should be mostly crying, throwing tantrums, and pooping himself right now.

Although I don't know if I should fault Superboy or Tott Dedell with "the money's just sitting around doing nothing" seeming like a decent justification for stealing a vault full of money. I do know that I can blame Tott Dedell for the stupid "a few thousand dollars" and "by 'a few' I mean 'a lot'" line! That can be a clever way of saying something. And by "clever", I mean "not clever at all". See how funny that is when you don't put any effort into it? And by "funny" I mean "not funny". Also, if you go back and edit his statement so it reads the way he means it to read, then he says, "The money's short a lot thousand dollars." How has he had time to spend so much of it? I guess Bunker is an expensive date.

The best part about this page is that Superboy is going to turn himself in for bank robbery. I hope there's mandatory jail time for the minimum sentence!

As Superboy sits on top of the returned money in the vault that I guess he used his superpowers to sneak into (and by "superpowers" I mean "bad writing"), Plasmus breaks in because he's justified that the money was just sitting around doing nothing. Plasmus's first evil act is to tell Superboy his real identity. I guess it doesn't really matter if you're stuck forever in a super hot fire dripping mass of goo. Plasmus's second evil act is to tell Superboy what he plans to do with all of his loot.

I think his plan boils down to "It takes money to make money!"

The next page makes me wish every single bit of the story was annotated so I knew whose mother's vagina to blame! The first panel is a well constructed argument on why Super Hero Dialogue must be written poorly.

Forget that you're a writer who has many hours in the day to think up good lines for your super heroes! Much easier to think up a really fucking stupid line and then justify its existence. Because it would take too long to come up with a good Plasmus punching line. But Superboy has all the time in the world to think about how unfunny he is and to drag poor Louis C.K.'s name into this mess.

The last panel isn't any better.

Technically you didn't make a joke. You THOUGHT you made a joke. And by "joke" I mean "racist comment".

Why doesn't Superboy say the Schwarzenegger accent line? Why is that just in a Narration Box? This is why I can't fucking stand the things. These writers don't even have a handle on the fucking medium they're working in. Why would he simply think that when it's a direct response to Plasmus? And I'm being charitable when I said "think" since Narration Boxes take place in a really fuzzy place in space/time. Did Superboy choose to merely think it because even he knew it was poor form to mock Plasmus's accent? Kind of the low hanging fruit of insults when you realize he has an accent because he's taken the time to learn a second fucking language. I guess Superboy could have insulted Plasmus's looks. I think I would have been okay with that.

Meanwhile Dr. Psycho is busy stealing identities while pretending to be a palm reader named Dr. Psychico. That's kind of humorous and by "humorous" I mean "full of or characterized by humor." I like that name. It sounds like a psychic Mexican boy. I was ready to give Dr. Psycho credit for being clever but apparently it's just the rich woman he's fleecing as she gets his name wrong. This is Dr. Psycho's life hiding from H.I.V.E. (the Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave. And by "Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave" I mean "the Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination"). I guess H.I.V.E. feels he needs to be exterminated or vengeanced. Just the mention of H.I.V.E. fills me with dread because it probably means yet another future Superboy story tied directly to The Teen Titans and The Ravagers and even Deathstroke. Except two of those have been cancelled (I think!) so maybe it means the Ravagers and Deathstroke will end up hanging out with Superboy each month.

More probably it just means Dr. Psycho will see Plasmus fighting Superboy and believe it's all about him. Or he just thinks aliens fighting in midtown is a good opportunity for him to scavenge alien technology. So he runs against the fleeing crowds to try and get a better glimpse of the action.

At this point, even the letterer doesn't care about this fucking comic book. Maybe Dr. Psycho is using his psychic powers to make the other guy speak his lines?

Dr. Psycho witnesses Superboy "somehow" using his "telekinesis" to turn "objects into weapons." Isn't the basic telekinetic attack to use objects as weapons? I've seen the fight at the end of The Empire Strikes Back! That's Introduction to Telekinesis 101! And by "Introduction to Telekinesis 101" I mean "an old joke I've used before."

Long story short (and by "long story" I mean "Dr. Psycho"), Dr. Psycho wants Superboy's power! And he's just the guy to steal it! I guess. I'll have to read up on Dr. Psycho in my Who's Who later. I think he was a Wonder Woman villain.

Dr. Psycho inadvertently travels astrally. I hate when that happens! He's sucked into the back of Superboy's head and begins experiencing Superboy's past memories. I hope we learn something really juicy! He doesn't learn anything except that Superboy feels cut off from everybody else. Fuck. Who doesn't? Welcome to the Dollhouse, Superboy!

It doesn't take long for Dr. Psycho to get knocked out of Superboy's brain and back into his own body. But he hates his own body! It's so tiny and weak and small penisy. So he astrally dives back into Superboy and ends up in his lungs where a tiny version of Lex Luthor has been waiting for Superboy to arrive.

Why would Superboy arrive in his own lungs?

But wait! There's more! Since Tott Dedell could only fill sixteen pages with their Superboy story, they had to make up another story to fill out the issue. It begins with a crashed alien woman spouting the usual Tott Dedell nonsense about how if she fails, Earth will die. Isn't that always the case? Is that the only way Tott Dedell can build any kind of tension in his story? I'm surprised she didn't say that if she fails, the OMNIVERSE WILL DIE!

The woman sends out a distress signal on a wave that nobody on Earth can hear in the language of Interlac that nobody on Earth can speak because it isn't the 30th Century. I think Interlac has existed for a very long time, actually, but nobody on Earth knows it yet except maybe Superman since he's good friends with time traveling kids. But there is someone on Earth that can hear the communication and can quite probably understand Interlac because he's good friends with Superman!

Yay! This gives me hope for a Bat Pet back-up feature!

I have to give Scott Lobdell credit for doing a Super Pet story in The New 52, no matter how gritty he decided to make it look. I don't want modern comics to be as goofy and carefree of continuity as some of the wacky Golden and Silver Age stuff. But I still want there to be a place for ideas like Super Pets and other whimsical tales. This was only a very short scene, not really a story at all. But that's because the twenty page books are not supposed to have back-up stories! Twenty pages is already well shy of what's needed for a well-paced story. Cutting it down to sixteen is ridiculous and telling a story in four pages is just plain silly. But I liked the Krypto scene! Much better than the rest of the book. And by "much better" I mean "I'm biased toward Super Pet stories!"

Superboy #18 Rating: No change. Another issue that was decent enough but could have been told better. I think having two writers plotting and one doing dialogue doesn't help the flow of the comic. And I still maintain that most writers themselves don't really know how to narrate modern comic books anymore because of the overuse of the omniscient main character voice used in the narration.

The Savage Hawkman #17

I was wondering where DC was going to stick DeFalco after kicking him off of Superboy. This seems appropriate. What harm can he do here? I actually think he'll make it better!

Hey! Did you see that caption?! I think I actually sort of gave Tom DeFalco a compliment! I haven't liked anything he's done on Superboy (every issue is basically the same issue anyway) and his Legion Lost was horrible. But he did a middling job on his guest stint on Nightwing although he turned Batgirl into a raving lunatic. And I think a bad writer that can sometimes do a mediocre job is just what The Savage Hawkman needs!

Plus I hope it's funny! Why does Hawkman have to be all savage and angry all the time?

The first page is some nonsense about a bunch of thieves that don't understand gambling who blow themselves up. I'm sure it's tied into the Shadow Thief somehow. Like maybe he gave them the bomb to crack the safe knowing it would kill them and then he slips in and steals the money as a shadow. But it's the second page that really gets things moving! Because look at this! It's lighthearted with Emma's dad joking around with her!

Oh ha ha! He didn't even notice they were gone! What a joker!

And then Tom DeFalco makes me feel bad.

Fuck me! Way to kill the lighthearted aspect!

If the Professor has Alzheimer's, does that mean he has no idea why this hot woman is rubbing her tits all over him? Do you think he's pressing an erection against his daughter's thigh here? Not only does this disease rob a person of their humanity, it also has to embarrass the fuck out of them too? At least he's still mostly himself and wants to talk about evidence he's found that the Sumerians were actually an advanced civilization. Or more advanced. I have a feeling he means with alien technology and cosmic doohickeys.

But then it's Hawkman that begins to exhibit signs of mental degradation.

The inevitable mix-up between the Narration Box voice and the Thought Bubble voice!

Emma kicks Carter out so she can spend some time alone with her father. Also so she can spend some time away from Hawkman.

Meanwhile in the slums of Manhattan, The Shadow Thief is extracting information from some drunk nobody. I guess she wasn't involved in the heist gone wrong but she's trying to find out who was behind it. So maybe one of her family members or a love interest was killed in the explosion and she wants revenge. Revenge is a big theme in The Savage Hawkman!

The man behind the explosive was...Xerxes! Oh whew! I was hoping we hadn't seen the last of him!

Xerxes' men were all killed by Hawkman in Issue #10. Or maybe killed. It's hard to tell sometimes and Liefeld didn't name any of them. So Ironsides might be a new character or he might be Tic Tac Foe (trademark E!TACT!). I don't think he's Nipslip but I'd love for Nipslip to return as well!

Having been ditched by Emma, Carter wanders back to his old apartment. He finds everything has been repaired and his neighbor, the guy that looked like Ekuar from Elfquest but with a mohawk, has been holding his keys for him! The landlord assumed his lack of maintenance caused a gas leak which caused an explosion and he fixed the place up in the hopes that Carter wouldn't sue. So Tom DeFalco figured out a way to return the comic book to a place right around before Liefeld and Tieri shat all over it. Of course it was hard to differentiate their shit from Tony Daniels' shit. But if I were forced to make a choice, I'd probably do what DeFalco is doing here and try to move things back to where they were in Tony Daniels' run. This is no longer The Savage Hawkman! It's Tom DeFalco's The Salvaged Hawkman!

Next DeFalco spends a page on introducing the Shadow Thief.

Well that doesn't clear up anything! She must be tearing the shadow skin from her vagina in that final panel.

Hawkman's Nth metal now reacts to Thanagarian devices being activated within his vicinity. It changes him into Hawkman and a seemingly (somewhat) different personality. Perhaps DeFalco is going to try to make sense of the seventeen issues of sticky mess that came before this? I know this is issue #17! I can do math! There was a Zero Issue, remember!?

Hmm. This actually gives Issue #1 some context.

If Carter Hall's personality is affected by the change into Hawkman, he may have been trying to destroy the armor because he was afraid of what he was becoming. Perhaps when he first escaped to Earth, he took on a human persona to try to escape paying for his "crimes" on Thanagar. It's possible he even used some kind of technology to forget his real identity of Katar Hol. But the Nth metal was slowly drawing out his real identity every time he wore it, possibly making him angrier and angrier. Perhaps he killed someone the night before he tried to burn the suit! Desperate and afraid, he drove out to the forest, drunk and scared. He burned the suit hoping to be rid of the confusion it engendered in him. Instead he and the suit became one! Ever since then, his memories were beginning to come back. He began investigating the Nth metal to try and combine the disparate wisps of memory floating to the surface of his mind. While doing so, he must have dropped clues at libraries and research centers that were picked up on by mercenaries like Xerxes who were searching for the mysterious Nth metal. His encounter with Xerxes alerted even more people like Pike who was searching for him because of his crimes on Thanagar. And then when he encountered Shayera, his memories completely came back and he realized how he had been living a false life. It kind of falls apart after that when he lets Shayera go and then begins hunting her again. But maybe he didn't realize he had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask until after he sent her off into space. L'esprit de l'escalier, sort of. In a way.

Now that The Savage Hawkman makes sense, maybe it'll be entertaining! And if Tom DeFalco didn't mean for all the stuff in that last paragraph to be true, I'm giving it to him for free so that he can use it to make it all true, no questions asked!

The Nth metal leads Hawkman to the deal going bad between Xerxes and the gang leader. Shadow Thief is also there for an as yet unknown reason. But when Hawkman begins battling Ironsides, I learn his true identity!

Yes! It is Tic Tac Foe! See the X and O on his back?! I think the best Tic Tac Foe can hope for is a Cat's Game.

During the fight, Shadow Thief reveals that she fights extraterrestrial threats. While Hawkman was alone and flying to the fight, he also declared to himself that he has sworn to protect his adopted world from all threats terrestrial and galactic. So I think he and Shadow Thief are going to get along and hunt monsters and no-goodniks just like Amanda Waller reported to Steve Trevor in Justice League of America. Boom! Hawkman rebooted!

Because Xerxes primed one of the Thanagarian bombs, he tosses it amidst some others and escapes with Tic Tac Foe. Shadow Thief and Hawkman disappear into whatever Shadow Realm Shadow Thief utilizes to move about secretly as the gang member's yacht explodes.

The Savage Hawkman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book still wasn't very good. But it's so much better than it was! And it actually reboots Hawkman logically where I can Fanboy Rationalize the rest of the series into fitting into this new version of Hawkman. Plus raising it one Rank isn't going to do anything because that raises it to Spot #51 with no comic book beneath it. That slot will be filled by Constantine this month and I really don't think it's going to debut at #52! So, enjoy a non #52 Ranking for as long as it lasts, Hawkman!

Superboy #17

Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.

I believe the last issue of H'el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H'el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.

But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this "Superboy" character is and where he came from?"

To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.

This issue is called "Lost Cause." Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H'el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H'el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H'el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It's just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn't exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they'd still get together and he'd be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that...well, you get the idea. That's nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!

I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won't be anywhere near as fun and exciting.

The first few pages repeat a bunch of shit from all the other issues of H'el on Earth. Just get on with the fucking story! Stop wasting pages simply to have everyone repeat everything EVERY FUCKING ISSUE. Or in the same issue as well! As you can see from the panel above, Superboy informs everyone of H'el's plan. So now that we're all caught up on that, it probably doesn't need to be mentioned again, does it?

Oh! Good thing H'el fucking reminded me about his plans just a few pages later. I'd forgotten!

But if Supergirl is helping H'el, why didn't Kal-el help? I know you've mentioned it before six or seven times, H'el. But could you remind me what the problem was?

Fuck you, Tom DeFalco. How do you still have a job? Regurgitating the same fucking dialogue and stories again and again?

Just a sample of the same conversation from Superboy #15.

H'el ditches Supergirl to go spout Earth aphorisms at the Justice League before destroying Superboy with his Amazing Powers That Defy Explanation* (*or, at the very least, nobody is fucking willing to explain them).

The Aphorism.

The Inexplicable Powers.

Well, I guess that's it for Superboy eight pages into his comic book. Unless he somehow pulls himself together with his tactile telekinesis. Perhaps even Superboy will hitch a ride to Krypton Past.

Superman battles H'el and instead of asking Wonder Woman for help since H'el has previously kicked his ass without so much as a single bead of sweat dripping down his perfectly sculpted abs and cleanly shaved upper pubic area, he sends her to find Superboy and help him. Since H'el used his magic powers to remove Superman's suit from Superboy, Superboy's DNA is falling apart again. But guess what?! He uses his tactile telekinesis to pull himself back together so he can get back into the fight! Wonder Woman just wanders off somewhere. Wander Woman!

While Superboy is recovering, he has an encounter with The Oracle's Herald who tells him a great big stupid lie that's supposed to be exciting foreshadowing about the character of Superboy!

Oh shut up! It's like I've lost all power to rationally deconstruct all of the shittery that leaks out of DeFalco's ass. All that I'm left with is the impotent protestation that he shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Since Superboy is a clone, he's obviously against nature. Therefore no omnipotent being could have predicted his creation. Therefore he has no fate or destiny and is the only creature in all of existence (besides all of the other clones!) that has free will. The basis for this "idea" is so mired in horrible philosophy and theological belief that I find it childish and laughable as a plot point. But the best part? This was simply Tom DeFalco farting in the wind! Since he doesn't plan anything, nothing will fucking come of this anyway! After the crossover, Superboy will go back to his existential crises and his dates that end in violence.

The Herald leaves Superboy and heads off to have a conversation with the mute Oracle. He discusses how Earth contains five anomalies and "any one of them could disrupt the delicate balance cosmic." Really? I've had it up to my fucking cowlick with "cosmic plans" and "saving future time lines" and "chosen ones" (who are apparently thought of as anomalies by the great cosmic monsters!) and all that other bullshit. What it all comes down to is simply lazy writing. Can't think of an intriguing and interesting story grounded in characterization and reality like the one in Batman and Robin Annual #1? Just say vague things about the end of the world or the end of all time or the end of the universe. Allow people to see the future or time travel so they know exactly what must be done. Mix in some technobabble, pseudo-religious bullshit, and a few Deus ex Machinas, and voila! A story that seems epic but is actually shallow as shit.

As Superboy pulls himself together to stop the Star Chamber, Supergirl appears and begins knocking him all over the arctic. He doesn't fight back. He just tries to convince her H'el is a big fat liar. But she won't listen to reason. But maybe she'll listen to a sexy catfight!

Sorry! Sorry! I just watched the Futurama episode where Leela and Amy become Butterfly Fighters and Fry says, "Rowwwwr! Mrrroowwwrrr!" while making cat claws about seventeen thousand times during that episode. By the way, I have a huge crush on Amy Wong.

While Wonder Woman and Supergirl's super sexy fight of wonder continues over in Supergirl #17 (hopefully for the entire thing!), Superboy picks himself up one last time and heads toward the star chamber to destroy it. Will he succeed? Well, according to Superman #0, no. Unless Supes finds another way home later.

Superboy #17 Rating: No change. While I mostly despised this issue, a lot of that stems from my own personal bias for certain types of stories that use logic and characterization to propel the action. But I have to say that from the point Superboy encountered Supergirl, I actually enjoyed the rest of the comic book. That whole scene in the last seven pages pretty much saved it for me. The dialogue between Superboy and Supergirl was actually pretty nice. I think Supergirl being under H'el's spell because she feels he loves her is a bit icky. I'd rather her single motivation was to restore Krypton and not have it be tied into some school girl crush. But Superboy actually acted like a hero here. That was fucking nice to see. And Wonder Woman coming out of nowhere to punch Supergirl through three glaciers? That's always fun. Perhaps my will was just worn out by the end of the comic book? Or perhaps DeFalco actually wrote a good scene. I think the jury is still out on which it was.