Superboy #32

The living weapon finally cracks!

This is a story about Superboy. Superboy was created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon, you know? Because the best kind of weapon is not the kind that sits there passively waiting for you to use it. No, no! That's conservative and traditional thinking! The best kind of weapon is the kind that you have no control over! The kind with emotions so that when somebody says "Guns don't kill people. Living weapons kill people," they're more accurate than that other stupid version of the statement. Who wants a gun that can't kill people?! What a useless object! That's why you need a living gun that can get pissed off all by itself and do the killing all by itself so that all those pinko lefties will finally be right when they say guns kill people!

If I had a living weapon, I'd probably take it on walks at the park and keep it off leash. Then when it ran up to people, I'd say, "It's okay! He's harmless!" And they'd be forced to uncomfortably smile and pretend they didn't hate my fucking guts for allowing my living weapon to shove its muzzle right in their crotch. Then if my living weapon ever did kill someone, I'll justify it by saying that my living weapon was always loving and had never harmed anybody ever so it must have sensed that the person it killed was a horrible person and probably the next Hitler. I'll blame the victim for all of my troubles and resent them for getting my living weapon euthanized. Afterward, maybe I'll start up some kind of cultural campaign trying to explain how living weapons aren't dangerous at all! I'll show pictures of a baby curled up with a living weapon and say, "See? That baby isn't dead! Living weapons are never dangerous!" I'll ignore the fact that a living weapon has a mind of its own and can go off for any reason and at any time simply because I love living weapons so much! And nobody will ever convince me that a person hurt by a living weapon wasn't asking for it or else why would the living weapon have hurt them, hunh? Answer that!

Superboy begins with a scene that's intensely insensitive to quadruple amputees and the decapitated.

As you can see, Aaron Kuder honed his writing chops on the elementary school playground. Next up, he'll place Parasite in various situations and wind up calling him Bob and Art as well as Matt. He'll probably follow all of that up with a rhyme about pee in Coke and a ditty about where milk, lemonade, and fudge come from. Then he'll finish up with a few facts about gross things and things that might be grosser than those already gross things.

Superboy has suddenly come into telepathic contact with the other Superboy. That Superboy was lost in time while destroying Krypton but apparently he's back in the Now of the DC Universe and being kept in a stasis pod by Harvest. It makes sense if you don't give a shit about anything that has happened to Superboy in The New 52 prior to Aaron Kuder taking the helm. I highly suggest not giving a shit about that past stuff because, so far, Aaron Kuder's work on Superboy has been the best of the series (aside from Justin Jordan's run that was cut short due to interference with a Lobdell story). Superboy hasn't really had a chance to be in a story that was just his story and contained within the pages of his comic book. Kuder is finally giving him that chance so I'm going to ignore all of the past history of this poor kid. For now, all I need to know is there are two versions of Superboy in the present due to time-shenanigans and they must merge with each other to survive.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility in the Arctic. Or the Antarctic. Or at the Harvest School for the Gifted in some desert in Africa or something. Fuck if I know! See what happens when I try to make sense of Superboy's past?! I'm instantly confused! So let me start over relying only on Aaron Kuder's work.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off north to Alaska to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility. On the way there, Niti kisses him and then shows him her ass while making eye contact. That's like the universal sign for human presenting! Unless she's not making eye contact when she shows him her ass and looks back over her head. She might be looking to see if there is any movement in the crotch area since he's wearing that skin tight outfit.

I'm guessing there is a lot of movement in the crotch area.

In the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility currently being approached by the New Newsboy Legion, Rose Wilson, Hammersmith, and Leash are all thawed so they can defend the facility and keep Kon-el for themselves. Remember that thing I said about previous history not existing? I'm really resisting commenting on it right now! For all I know, this is the first appearance of Rose Wilson. And if you want to remain sane, you'd join me in my ignorance.

As Superboy and his friends arrive to battle some Ravagers, Aaron Kuder puts a few typos into the script in honor of Howard Mackie. It's really touching. I hope when DC unfreezes Howard Mackie because they're desperate for another writer to fill some quotas, they show him this homage to him. If I were Aaron Kuder, I would have also added about twenty extraneous punctuation marks as well as the typos.

And then there's the big fight scene. The fight scene is usually where I take a break from describing the action to talk about other things going on in my life. But nothing is going on in my life. So let's get back to the action!

If only Dave Sim were here to over-explain the injury to the eye motif!

I have to say, after seeing Superboy get his vile jelly stabbed out, I'm ready to petition Congress for another go at the Comic Book Code Authority! Ghastly! Just look at the eyeball flopping off into the distance! I can't believe teenagers are allowed to read this! Shouldn't they be studying and promising their purity to Jesus?

I don't really know much about Superboy's levels of invulnerability, so I'm just going to have to believe Rose has a sword that can easily enough lop out Superboy's eyeball. Plus Superboy's powers have been wonky from all the time travel and from battling parasite and from his genetic defect that is killing him, so it's easy enough to think this could happen to Superboy whereas it would never happen to Superman.

Superboy knocks out Rose and kills Hammersmith and Leash. Okay, maybe he doesn't kill them. But he does throw them on a trajectory that crashes them through a solid fortress's outer walls and off into space. Or maybe just miles away into the harsh environment of Alaska. So while he might not have killed them, he certainly didn't try to not kill them. Then again, if I were to remember Joke-el's pre-Kuder history, I might remember he's murdered plenty of people already so these two hardly count at all.

Superboy continues on to find Superboy on his own. When he finds him, he realizes it isn't Kon-el at all but an alternate version of himself. He reaches out to merge with himself and then everything explodes.

Or multiplies. Or something. "Malkovich Malkovich!" "Superboy! Super! Boy! Superboy!" "Pika pi!"

Superboy #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't help but rate this comic book on a curve. After all the confusing shit the character of Superboy has been put through, it's nice to see him star in a fucking story of his own. Even if he's still locked to the crappy baggage from the first two and a half years of The New 52. It looks like Aaron Kuder is going to put all of that history to rest and finish this comic book off with Superboy ready for a new start. Thank Christ. Seriously, thank you, Jesus Christ. This is a miracle that only you could have accomplished which is why I now accept you as my Lord and Saviour. With a "U"!

The Ravagers #12

Time to put The Ravagers out of their misery. It was ungrammatical knowing you.

Ridge is on the cover so I have a feeling Deathstroke's PokeDagger is going to get broken. I think he'll make nice with Rose Wilson and realize he doesn't owe Harvest shit. This will lead him to break his contract with Harvest which is something the best mercenaries in the DC Universe never do. So I'm probably wrong.

In the first four pages, Deathstroke captures Thunder, Lightning, and Terra in his PokeDagger. And even if all of the other evidence were stacked higher than a thoroughly convincing stack of evidence, the fact that Terra has already shown up again in Deathstroke #19 means that stabbing people with this dagger does not kill them and turn them into ash. But Beast Boy doesn't know that so he reacts a little angrily.

Awww. Seems just like Preboot times!

While Gar and Slade relive their Preboot rivalry, Caitlin and Rose get into one of those knock-down, drag-out fights that only happen between former best friends. Rose's feelings are hurt because Caitlin didn't remain on the side of evil. And Caitlin's feelings are hurt because Rose didn't tell Caitlin that Niles Caulder was using her DNA to create Real Dolls. Instead of both apologizing and hugging it out, Caitlin throws Rose through a cylinder holding a clone. And then the clone attacks Caitlin. You'd think a clone would have some loyalty. You just can't clone decent clones anymore. Or yet! You probably can't clone them yet! The technology is still being perfected.

Of course that clone fight ends up smashing more clone cylinders which cause more clone fights and more smashed cylinders until nobody knows which Caitlin is Caitlin and which Caitlin is #1 and which Caitlin is #12 and which Caitlin hates Rose more.

I think the one with the moisturized skin is Caitlin.

While Caitlin battles herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself, Beast Boy defeats himself by bringing Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters down on his head. Deathstroke shrugs his shoulders and goes off to stab Rose in the back. Now that he's taken care of everybody but Caitlin, he waits for Caitlin to take care of all of the other Caitlins before having a little chat with her.

Caitlin is distraught about possibly being a clone. Who cares?! Your memories are as real as my memories. They're in the past and it doesn't fucking matter what "body" participated in the creation of those memories. Stop whinging on about it and suck it up! I'm so tired of people searching for reasons to feel discontented and put upon. I don't know for sure that I came out of my mother's vagina! I don't know that my grandparents were truly the people they said they were. But it doesn't even matter! Stop trying to be hurt, Caitlin, and break Deathstroke's jaw already!

Instead, Deathstroke stabs Caitlin in the chest and sucks her up into his blade as well. And that's a wrap on The Ravagers! Except for Beast Boy who gets pulled from the rubble by Raven over in Teen Titans #19 and taken to New York to fight on the side of Trigon.

Later at Harvest's new Colony, Slade returns for his payment. The blade was actually a teleportation device which sent everyone he stabbed back to Harvest's Colony. And since Slade's payment was to be Rose Wilson and Terra, he had to come back to pick them up. They all head over to Deathstroke #19 to battle Jericho and Majestic.

The rest of the Ravagers end up sealed in tubes as Harvest's prisoners. I guess they'll be back whenever Harvest gets his own monthly title.

The Ravagers #12 Rating: No change. This was just a bunch of Ravagers getting stabbed with Slade's magic dagger. Not much of an ending, really. It was almost exactly like what a movie theater employee does after the movie has ended and the audience has gone home.

The Ravagers #11

It's a good thing Caitlin had a Swivel-Spine installed so she can fight enemies in front and in back of her at the same time. Also, she can do the Boob-Butt Showcase with ease.

Last issue, Deathstroke stabbed Little Boy Ridge in the thorax (I'm pretty sure Ridge had a thorax) with a mystical blade that burnt up Ridge's body. But I see Ridge on the cover, so it probably wasn't a fatal stabbing, gutting, and burning. But the smell awakens Beast Boy and he goes to wake up Terra who is totally up for fucking under the scent of human flesh.

Terra sleeps with a Preboot Version of Beast Boy.

While Deathstroke is wandering about Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters killing various children, Rose Wilson and Warblade have also shown up with their own agenda. Their agenda is to capture various children to bring back to Harvest. But since Harvest just paid a small country's GDP to Deathstroke to kill them, he might not be as pleased as Rose is hoping when she brings the kids alive to Harvest's lair. Rose Wilson currently has a blade to Caitlin Fairchild's throat.

I wonder if Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man is going to be Beast Boy and Terra's child? They'll probably have sex because Terra is so fucking turned on by the smell of burning Ridges. Terra and Beast Boy are probably carriers of Harvest's Chrono-Virus, so immediately after sex, Terra will give birth to Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. Then everyone will have to team up to defeat him. Which they'll do. And then Slade Wilson will crack a joke and they'll all laugh. But the joke won't come until the end of next issue because I'm hoping that's the last issue of this comic book.

Does it make me weird that I'm aroused picturing Caitlin literally crapping on Rose? Or does that just make me German?

Meanwhile, Deathstroke jabs his mystic blade into Niles Caulder causing a flesh meltdown and a rich sexual aroma. But before Niles Caulder could be captured in the PokeBlade, he instituted a security protocol to release Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. The Doom Patrol always had the best villains and/or Security Protocols.

And finally Warblade shows up to attack Thunder and Lightning and Terra and Beast Boy as they run around Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters confused at the security alert. They probably should have listened to Niles Caulder's safety briefing when they first arrived. But they were all too full of angst back then to listen to anybody in a position of authority.

I'm not sure why Rose is offering this particular nugget of truncated wisdom as Fairchild smashes her through a steel wall.

With everybody now in the, well, whatever room they're all in, Deathstroke shows up to catch them all. He greets Rose by name so they do know each other. She does have his last name and she was his daughter in another pre-time and pre-place but their relationship has yet to be explored in The New 52. At the time Adeline and Baby Jericho were supposedly killed, there was no sign of a daughter in the Wilson household. I still think she should be the native girl from Eclipso Island.

Everybody recognizes Deathstroke from TMZ. He's so scary and deadly that Rose and Warblade instantly join The Ravagers! Warblade doesn't even have anything snarky and rebellious to say!

Well, maybe just a little bit snarky.

But just as the plan to not get defeated by Deathstroke too quickly is put into action, Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man crashes through the floor! What happens to the plan now? My new plan would be run away really fast while Deathstroke kills it for free and then kills himself from the shame of being manipulated into a freebie. I have a feeling the real plan is going to be Total Chaos.

Actually, Caitlin puts my plan into action with the added benefit of family drama to help her escape.

While Deathstroke and Warblade fight to the death because Warblade is one of those arrogant, stupid idiots that think challenging yourself against the best is a fun diversion, the Ravagers and Rose murder Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. And then Warblade utters his last words: "Rose! Run!"

That's just a mask though. Right? *sniff* RIGHT?!

As Deathstroke continues to fill out his PokeDex, Rose drags Caitlin away from the battle to show her Niles Caulder's secret sex doll room.

Okay. Between this and Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Niles Caulder is officially on his way to being as creepy and disturbing as the Preboot Chief.

Rose continues to try to drag Caitlin further into Caulder's lair because he has something that can stop Deathstroke. But Caitlin's having a little bit of trouble moving past The Caitlin Fairchild Memorial Clone and Sexdoll Museum.

Ego? Narcissism? Arrogance?

The Ravagers #11 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book finally had a really good issue and it ends with "To Be Concluded"! I know I said earlier that I was hoping next issue would be the last. But after this issue? This comic book could go places! Oh well. I guess that's what happens when, month after month, you let Howard Mackie shit in a jar, bury it underground for three weeks, then dig it back up, put it in a folder, and hand it to his editor as the script for next months Ravagers.

The Ravagers #9

Look at all the skeletons! Oh please oh please oh please let one of them be Superboy’s!

Does anybody else get the feeling this cover is exaggerating what will happen? I know DC has announced that The Ravagers has been canceled but this would be ridiculous! Beast Boy and Terra can't die yet! Although if only Ridge's skeleton were shown, I'd be willing to believe the cover.

People in a little town in Colorado called Hartsville have suddenly gained the intensely useless power to implode. One of those people is Rose Wilson. Luckily she'll probably be killed by The Ravagers before she turns into an ash pile.

Lucky for Rose, the sheriff of Hartsville is acting completely opposite of the way a comic book character is supposed to act. Especially when that character is a cop! Violence, sir, not talking! VIOLENCE!

The Sheriff threatens violence if everybody doesn't calm down and listen to him but he doesn't begin with shooting people in the face. I'm having a tough time understanding this comic book. Talking only happens after the violent altercation is realized to be a misunderstanding! But instead this sheriff has stopped The Ravagers from fighting the Real Ravagers (one of those groups is Warblade and Rose Wilson and the other is Caitlin and her kids. Take your pick) by the mere use of words! It's incredible! This man needs to teach Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and Green Arrow and Firestorm and all the other characters this strange power.

Because the Sheriff has the secret power of speaking, he shouts orders to the heroes and they listen to him. What the fuck? Warblade actually does what the Sheriff commands instead of mouthing off like all teenaged comic book characters do. When the Sheriff says, "Warblade deals with the inmates," Warblade should have said, "Boss people around much?" But he doesn't! He actually does what the Sheriff tells him to do and goes to investigate the prison. I'm so fucking confused! Comic books have not taught me how to read this kind of story!

To be fair, Warblade probably would have eviscerated the Sheriff by now if Rose Wilson hadn't also come down with the Imploding Power.

Warblade finally encounters the convict that was causing all the trouble at the prison and his Implosion Infection took differently. Instead of gaining Implosion Powers, he's gained Hadouken powers! For the less nerdy of you, that means he shoots fireballs out of his hands.

Meanwhile, the Sheriff has shouldered the responsibility for finding the cure for the Implosion Virus. Doesn't Hartsville have a doctor? Or a scientist? Or, at the very least, a barber? I'm not sure of the Sheriff's credentials for curing diseases. His first attempt is to shoot Rose up with morphine. Well, at least that won't hurt her! While they're all waiting to see what happens, Caitlin and Rose remember that they were once friends.

Holy fuck. I can't believe anybody even remembered they were once friends! I blocked most of the issues of Superboy and The Culling from my mind.

In all the confusion, the Sheriff's daughter Candice stole a cop car to escape town. But the only way into town was blocked by an avalanche. And the switchback was, well, I don't know. Not an option any more? But luckily a third way out of town has been discovered: County Road 22! Candice says, "Oh, c'mon! There has to be at least one road still open!" Funny! I thought there was only one road to begin with! It looks like there are so many roads that the quarantine has probably already failed anyway. But Ridge and Thunder and Beast Boy and Terra have all been sent to retrieve this one girl before she can spread the Implosion Infection across the world. Seems like a bit of overkill for one teenage girl. While they're dragging her ass back, Thunder has some kind of attack that he has to explain to everyone since they all suddenly think he's catching.

Dude! Don't give up on your sister so easily! She didn't die. She just entered a portal to The Red! Anyway, if she is dead, you can team up with Light once she gets out of jail. Thunder and Light! Enh, close enough.

Later Warblade gets a DNA sample from the prison inmate and then kills him. The Sheriff's son exhibits some kind of super power where he makes bubbles or something. And Warblade and Terra suddenly have something to talk about.

I think the Colorists are just looking for attention since I never fucking mention them. Okay, I'll bite! Hey Tony Avina? That was supposed to be Rose Wilson, not Terra!

Once everyone is back together and not punching each other in the face for some reason, Warblade tells the Sheriff he knows how to "dissipate the radiation." He needs fifteen people for the cure which the Sheriff readily finds volunteers for. Because people in small towns get things fucking done when they need to come together and count on each other! Them Ravagers better learn a lesson from all this! And then the Sheriff proves once and for all that he really shouldn't fucking be in a comic book. At least not without wearing an "S" on his chest.

If this guy survives, he should be next in line to wear the Goddamned Bat Costume.

The yokels stand around in a circle with the Sheriff at the center and then Warblade throws apricot jam on them. Or he does a hand dance. Or he twirls fire. I don't know what the fuck he's doing! But whatever he does, it cures the town and kills the Sheriff! Yay! I mean, yay for curing the town! Boo for killing the Sheriff! He was the best character in The Ravagers so far!

How come Ig Guara made Brenda so cute in Blue Beetle but his art is kind of crappy in this? Is it Norm Rapmund's fault? Is he a lousy inker? Or was Ig just rushing through these issues because the gig was just dropped in his lap?

Warblade and Rose Wilson decide not to fight the Ravagers and the Ravagers decide not to fight Rose Wilson and Warblade. Rose chooses not to fight because she's all fucked up from the morphine. Caitlin decides not to fight because, well, I don't know. Maybe she feels guilty because Rose kept shoving the whole betrayal thing in her face. I forget what the betrayal was all about. I think it was just that Caitlin chose Superboy over Rose. It's always about a guy when best friends feud.

Elsewhere, Harvest is watching his crystal ball to learn that Rose Wilson and Warblade fucked up big time. So now he's supposedly angry enough to want to kill them. That means Rose and Warblade will have to join Caitlin's Ravagers! I still think Harvest should be Future Vampire Tim Drake instead of Echo Captain Future Shard of Captain Atom.

The Ravagers #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's suddenly a decent comic book! But more importantly, it isn't full of grammar errors and sloppy punctuation and punctuation errors and sloppy grammar! I wonder what happened to Howard Mackie? Maybe he's writing Chick Tracts now.

The Ravagers #8

Look at all the blood! Oh please oh please oh please let it be Superboy's!

Before I begin reading this comic, I have a few things to discuss. I'll start with Harvest. After reading Legion Lost #16, the last issue of Ravagers actually makes a little more sense. It's too bad the stories in Ravagers, Superboy, and Legion Lost are currently so convoluted you can't tell what's happening. In Legion Lost #16, Harvest found himself at a point in time where he doesn't know what's going to happen anymore, so he needs somebody that can tell the future. Now, I don't know why Harvest has this problem. It's not like he gave Captain Adym some kind of cheat sheet when Adym went back in time so that Adym would know all of the moves he should make so that the events in Legion Lost #16 would come to pass. He must have known what to do from studying the history of the time period while he was in the future. I suppose he stopped studying the events at the point where he goes back in time, so Harvest (who is Captain Adym after he went back in time in Legion Lost #16) now doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen. Harvest says it himself, so that isn't just speculation. But that reasoning only makes Ravagers #7 a little bit better because the girl he's trying to capture sucks at actually telling the future. She can see many, many versions and doesn't know which one will come to pass. Plus she obviously sometimes can't even see the version of the future that happens because when Terra fucks everything up at the end of issue #7, she claims it was worse than the worst vision she had seen earlier. Hopefully she ran away forever.

The second thing makes me happy! Ig Guara and Norm Rapmund are now the art team on this book! That must be why Ig was missing from the last issue of Blue Beetle. He's moved on to make everyone in this book super cute.

The last thing to note is that Howard Mackie is gone! No more fucking random punctuation! No more horrible train wreck, vomit inducingly awful scripts (maybe!). It looks like Michael Alan Nelson wrote the 28 Days Later comic book and a bunch of Cthulu comics. So he's a horror writer! I hope that means he's going to kill people. One thing I'm pretty confident about: he absolutely, positively, in no fucking way can be worse than Howard Mackie. No offense, Howard!

And that's it! Time to see if this comic book can drag itself out of the bottom of the ranks.

The comic begins following Rose Wilson and Warblade to a small town in Colorado where they're hunting down another one of the Culling Kids that escaped when NOWHERE's headquarters exploded in Antarctica the arctic Antarctica the arctic fuck if I know where. This kid's super power is imploding. Or maybe that's a defect of his super power. He seems to be one of Harvest's experiments. And he's not a very successful one the way Superboy was successful. I wonder if whatever creature was in Biotube #1 (the empty tube next to Superboy's Biotube #2) was a successful experiment? I wonder when he'll show up? I hope it wasn't H'el. While I was wondering about the other clone, Adam the Imploder decides to implode which spreads radiation all over town turning everybody else into imploders.

I guess it's time to burn down the town and slaughter everybody.

Rose Wilson decides not to kill everyone because Harvest might not understand. And she'd rather not be bitten by vampire Tim Drake lectured by Echo Captain Adym when he learns that they massacred everyone in a small town simply because they couldn't catch The Imploder.

Rose decides to quarantine the town so she sends Warblade out to cause an avalanche to block the only road into town. Really? Just one road in to town? What is this, a computer role playing game? The next Pokemon game? "The road out of town is closed. You'll have to save everybody's lives and make their pets fight each other while we try to clear the road. If you check back, you'll notice we've made no progress because we'll only clear the road when you've finished your mission here. And then it will instantly be clear and you'll be free to travel the linear path to the next town. You'll probably be stuck there until you kill the dragon and/or wake up the Snorlax."

Pretty soon the once normal citizens begin exercising their rights to use their new found super powers!

Murray's wife is pregnant. I hope her baby hasn't gotten this power and implodes in her womb. That could get messy and/or sexy.

After seeing Murray disappear inside himself leaving a stinking, smoking pile, the other citizens of the town begin to suspect that they've inherited the worst super power ever right after being able to telepathically boss fish around or being able to not tell the future. They also suspect that the weird green guy with the smiley teeth and his white haired bombshell are to blame. And since this is a backwoods small town, there's only one solution they can think of: lynch those strangers! Or tar and feather them! Okay, okay. They have two solutions to outsider problems! But for once, the police try to calm everyone down so they can talk it out and find a non-violent, non-implosive solution to the problem.

I don't even know what I'm looking at here. Why isn't he shooting something? Why isn't someone punching him in the face? How dare a police officer act rational!

More people begin using their powers and buildings begin catching on fire from the heat and fire generated from imploding. Rose has no idea how to stop everyone from acting so rashly and the sheriff isn't going to not shoot people all day. They really need to think of a solution to the problem and the Sheriff's kids might be the answer. Because when Adam blew in, everyone in town's brains showed through their skulls except for Warblade's, Rose Wilson's, and the Sheriff's kids'. And since the Imploder super power couldn't transfer to other people with super powers, that must mean the sheriff's kids, Kris and Candice. Maybe they have a super power that takes away other people's super powers!

While a solution is not forthcoming, Rose and Warblade turn hero to save children from a burning house.

Fucking fuck. I'm not usually a traditionalist but it sure is nice to read correctly punctuated sentences again. I wonder if Howard Mackie is on Twitter? I should follow him so I can get a daily dose of dashes and ellipses!

Warblade and Rose Wilson bicker for awhile about killing people. Specifically, Warblade wants to kill everyone and Rose doesn't want him to. She finally convinces him that if they attract too much attention, it could ruin Harvest's plans and then Harvest will pull out their insides with his cock. Once they get over their spat, Rose begins to implode. That's not supposed to happen but before they can figure out why it is happening, guests arrive!

How did they get through the roadblock? I guess they knew about the old switchback trail into town! Or, you know, Terra moved the avalanche.

The Ravagers #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. Grading on a huge curve, I'm giving this issue a bit of a boost. It's the first issue of The Ravagers that was actually readable. And while I don't know exactly why The Ravagers pursued War Blade and Rose Wilson after their last encounter instead of pursuing the Girl with the Worst Super Power Ever to keep her safe (which was their mission, after all), I don't really care. That might sort itself out in time. And even if it doesn't, I was hoping Que Sandra would never appear again and it looks like she may not. Yay!

The Ravagers #7

Too bad this is only a vision.

Seeing the phrase "The End" on the front of both The Ravagers and Blue Beetle this month got me thinking about how close The Ravagers actually are to being cancelled. This got me to check out total sales on The New 52 for November to see how closely the popularity of a title matched up to the overall ranking I've given the titles based on how well written they are. The sales figures for November are a bit skewed since a number of titles sold better than they normally do because of crossovers such as The Third Army and Death of the Family. Surprisingly, my rankings matched up exactly with the sales numbers of five titles: Batman, Red Lanterns, Swamp Thing, The Flash, and Grifter. Not surprising was how far off I was with a number of books. I have Demon Knights ranked at #4 and sales ranks it at #42. Red Hood and the Teen Titans have sales figures putting them in the mid-twenties while I have them ranked in the mid-forties. Detective Comics and The Dark Knight which have been horrible up until have sales figures putting them in the top ten while I have them ranked at 34 and 45 respectively. These aren't surprising due to the popularity of the characters heading the titles. Jason Todd and Tim Drake have huge fandoms that are sticking with these books even though they're written so poorly while Etrigan can't quite grab an audience's attention even though his book looks gorgeous and is thoroughly entertaining. For fuck's sake, The Ravagers have better sales numbers than Stormwatch! I am so fucking ashamed of comic book readers right now.

Oh, as for The Ravagers? I have them ranked at 42 (probably higher than they should be!) and sales ranks them at 38. That's pretty consistent. At the bottom of the sales ranks and my rankings are the ones you'd expect: Deathstroke, Hawkman, Grifter, Legion Lost. If it weren't for the popularity of some of these characters (like Batman!), I'd expect sales to be a lot closer to my rankings. About half of them are pretty damn close.

Now that I've wasted as much time as I could ignoring reading The Ravagers, it's probably time to waste time figuring out more ways to waste time instead of reading The Ravagers! Call of Duty would kill a few hours. Masturbating wouldn't kill that much time but I'd probably take a nap afterward. I could read an actual book or maybe I could do more Bible Study. Or maybe I could just get this over with.

Instantly I'm lost amid the ellipses and half-finished sentences, the missing spaces and missing commas, the extra commas and double dashes. I'm in the mind of Howard Mackie. It feels like being stuck in the birth canal. Something is happening but not quickly enough. I'm struggling, choking, fighting for life. Is there meaning in anything we do? Is the struggle worth it? Should I just...put in random punctu--ation whenever I feel I...need to breathe?--?...!

The girl that The Ravagers were sent to save hides behind a tree watching The Ravagers battle Rose Wilson and Warblade. She's Narration Boxing a letter to her mother about how she's seen so many visions of the future that she can't be sure what future is about to go down. Wow. What a terrible predicament to be in.

How many punctuation errors can you find?

The title of this issue is "Ghosts of Future Present." Most people reading this comic book will read the title and move on without thinking much about it. Maybe they'll say it in a cinematic way but just keep going. But I want you to read it again.

The meaninglessness of our existent stares back from this title. Drink deep of the despair.

The enormity of time crashes through you. Your ego disappears into the vastness of infinite space.

Paralyzed by decisions that don't matter. Extant for a universal second.

Nothing. Everything. All of it here. All of it gone.

Back to the twenty page distraction from the inevitability of the eternal grave, Caitlin Fairchild gets knocked into the tree where Future Present Girl has been hiding. She not only has the power to imagine how the future might possibly turn out, she also has the power to make other people think about how the future might possibly turn out. Maybe her super hero name is Devil's Advocate or Que Sarah or The Ellipsis.

Her task now is to show Caitlin Fairchild what might possibly happen if things go a certain way for some certain reason. And whatever that thing is that causes this future to happen, please do it because Superboy is killed almost instantly!

The double period...burning into my brain...destroying my memories--first kiss, gone; grandfather's voice, gone; the best fish stick I ever ate, gone--destroying everything that makes me...me?

Harvest wants Future Girl (Maybe her name isn't Que Sarah at all? Perhaps it's Que Sandra! (it hurts my soul to think that joke is being wasted on fans of The Ravagers)) so that she can help guide him in his plans. You know what? That's even stupider than all of this random punctuation. Harvest's plans never go wrong and he's from the future! So why does he need a girl who sees so many futures she doesn't know which one is going to come true to guide him? He wants the future that he came from. So having a girl tell him about fifteen different possible futures isn't going to help him any because the only one he wants to happen is the one that will cause Tim Drake to be bitten by a vampiric scythe so he can name himself Harvest and take over all space and time! Or just come back to the past to ensure that he exists in the future. Man, that's stupid, isn't it?

In Caitlin's vision, The Ravagers take over the world and none of it would have been possible without Future Girl. And somehow Rose says that Caulder and Caitlin delivered her to Harvest although Rose and Warblade and Windshear and Brighteyes already knew where she was and were going after her. So that's more stupidity.

Wow. What a terrifically useless power. "Here are 153 possible versions of the future! One of them is true!"

Caitlin then asks Que Sandra, "What you showed me was real?" And Que Sandra replies, "Maybe...things can change...choices made...I don't know how to control the power...how to tell." She's so powerful! She can speculate on the future but can't know what it'll be! I wish I had her amazing talents! Que Sandra then has another insight for Caitlin.

OH FUCK YOU, LISA! Caitlin has been helping them! That's all that she has been doing. That's what she was going to do all along. And telling someone that "THIS POINT" determines the path they will take is FUCKING OBVIOUS! Every point determines every point past that point, you stupid fucking piece of fucking fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK!

Here's an interlude to allow me to regain my sanity. It is the conversation between myself and Doom Bunny that we were having on Instant Messenger as I read this comic. Some of it will repeat. But I need to go outside for a breath of fresh air.

Me: "Ugh! This new person the Ravagers have met has the dumbest power. She sees all the different things that might happen in the future and one of them always comes true but she doesn't know which!"
Me: "Fuck you! We all have that power! It's called 'SPECULATION!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I see two futures for me: one where I win the lottery on Saturday, and one where I don't! One of those is sure to come true!"
Me: "That moment will determine the path your life will take! After, um, that moment! It's good you can see the possible futures in store!"
Doom Bunny: "I guess that power could come in handy if there is something in the future that came so out of left field that you couldn't speculate about it. Like if I suddenly saw the possibility of being hit by a bus tomorrow! Of course then I might stay home for no reason."
Me: "Except she sees that future alongside 250 other possible futures. More! 250,000,000!"
Doom Bunny: "Oh jeez. So I could be hit by any number of things! Or not at all! What the hell good is that? I know that already!"
Me: "I know! WORST. POWER. EVER. She has the power to WORRY!"

Okay, I'm back and so is Caitlin. She sees the events unfolding exactly like the vision she was shown by Future Girl! Except they're a little bit different for some reason. Everything is the same except Ridge and Superboy don't get stabbed. But they say all the same things! Maybe it's because she didn't run away with Lisa. Instead she stayed to observe.

By staying to help, Caitlin manages to convince Terra to actually fight back. Terra flips the fuck out and begins smashing everything to bits in a big scary display that doesn't actually do anything except vandalize the surrounding properties and throw Caitlin to the ground. Oh, it also excites Rose in a way she hasn't been excited since she and Timber Wolf met in The Culling.

Maybe it was Timber Wolf that wanted to dance with Rose? Whover it was, the dance never happened because Timber Wolf smelled Kid Flash.

Terra knocks out Rose and Warblade and then kills Warblade even though everyone else tries to stop her. Hey! I'm beginning to suspect this is another future possibility! I hope The Ravagers simply goes on for another 300 issues stuck in this moment as Fairchild experiences all of the possible futures that can spring from "THIS POINT!"

Oh my God! Terra is capable of murder in the Reboot! That's so different!

Warblade is okay though because he can morph his body. He also says something that isn't so stupid because everything else in the comic is stupider: "Ravagers die if and when Harvest says we die." Then there's a big whooshing noise and Warblade and Rose are gone and Future Girl is freaking out. The vision she showed Caitlin earlier was the "worst thing that could happen." But now Caitlin did "something terrible...something that might be too late to stop...worse than what [they] saw before...." So no matter how terrible I thought her power was before, she has just proven that it's even worse than that. She then runs into away, hopefully never to be heard from again.

Later they return to Los Angeles (although Caitlin and Ridge actually get transported to Arizona when they chase after Jocelyn and Superboy. I don't know why the rest don't follow since they're here. Unless they end up back in New York later and then go to Arizona? Fuck this is confusing!) where Caitlin informs Niles that The Ravagers are dangerous. Niles says, "Oh my God! Good thing we have emergency measures to keep them in check!" And Superboy goes, "Wait. What? Me!?" And then the final surprise page!

After seeing Rose Wilson here, I'm 98% positive she's the native girl from the Eclipso Island in Team 7 #3.

The Ravagers #7 Rating: -5 Ranking. This was literally the stupidest fucking story in the history of literature. I'm not exaggerating at all! See? I used literally!

The Ravagers #6

Fuck me. More Superboy?

The Ravagers have finally bonded and they're ready to destroy all of Harvest's N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facilities. The first thing they need to do is practice in Nile Caulder's Danger Room (I should call it the Doom Room) and cost him millions of dollars in repairs. The next thing they'll have to do is head to New York to beat up Warblade and Rose Wilson. After that, they'll have to go to Arizona to fight the Cosmic Butcher. Then Superboy will need to take a break from them for awhile to go fight H'el in the Superman crossover. Why do I even bother reading these comics since I already know everything that happens in the next few months simply because these comics are all taking place out of order and referring to plots in comic books that won't be out in months? And people think DC's editors have some kind of control over the new DCnU. I think they barely know what they're doing.

As The Ravagers watch Nile Caulder's Doom Room begin to transform into a prehistoric simulation so they can practice fighting dinosaurs (might as well begin with something practical, right?), they listen to Niles drone on and on about how different he is from Harvest while being pretty much exactly the same. And instead of commenting on the comic book story, I, once again, find myself more interested in the editing of this book.

Technically nothing wrong with leaving every quote in each Narration Box open and finally closing it in the last one since it's one long monologue by Caulder. Aesthetically? It just looks awful. Note Mackie's use of his favorite imaginary punctuation at the end of Narration Box six. 

The title of this issue is "...ENGAGE!" Even in the title, Mackie can't resist throwing in one of his fucking ellipses. So "Ravagers . . . engage!" really is the rallying cry of this group?

Caulder watches The Ravagers practice while speaking with somebody off-panel. Could it be Rose Wilson? Or Warblade? Will I even find out before this issue is over? Whoever it is, it sounds like Caulder isn't being totally honest with The Ravagers. Caulder and the mystery person have some connection to N.O.W.H.E.R.E. They think Fairchild pulled The Ravagers out of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. too soon although I don't think it was really her choice. She just helped them escape once everything fell the fuck apart.

As Caulder watches them train, he explains their powers to any new readers. He also explains to all of the old readers that Superboy was built by Harvest as a weapon that could destroy The Ravagers if they ever got out of his control. So there's Superboy's purpose! After a year of pouting and wondering why he was created as a living weapon, Superboy almost finds out! Except Caulder simply drops it casually in conversation with the mystery person he's speaking with. So while other secrets in the DCnU drag on and on, this one is revealed in a place where most people are likely to miss it.

What Caulder learns from The Ravagers' first training session is that they suck but they're potentially the "world's most dangerous threat". DC Comics: We Have the Most Superlatives!

Turns out the mystery person is Red Robin. Yeah, that makes more sense than Rose Wilson. I guess Niles Caulder can be trusted. For now!

I can't wait until Red Robin confronts Harvest. Harvest will probably let Red Robin kill him because that will be the moment that Red Robin becomes Harvest. Harvest must ensure his existence through his own death.

After the single training session, Caitlin thinks The Ravagers need a break. She takes them out to spend some time at the beach. Superboy learns that Ridge believes Superboy is a fail-safe to destroy The Ravagers if they get out of control So apparently this isn't Niles pet theory. Once it's mentioned, everybody gets to think it! Because it must be true (as seen in Legion Lost #14 where Harvest is able to control Superboy with mental suggestions). And when Superboy hears this theory, he just kind of shrugs it off because he hasn't spent every fucking second of his own comic book trying to figure out why he exists.

"You know, I've been dealing with this existential angst for close to a year now. And I came out to California to beat you up a bit and force you to answer my questions so I could figure out who I am. But stop bothering me with possible answers. Let's talk about how I want to be friends with you guys!"

Elsewhere on the beach front, Terra has a minor conversation with Ridge which turns Beast Boy into a jealous mess. How dare that bitch speak kindly to another monster?! That isn't how love works!

I bet Gar's jealous panel was supposed to be bigger and they jammed in the panel to the right at the last second. "We need to acknowledge Rotworld!" Also note Mackie's weird love of stupid punctuation with the legendary dash-question mark.

I keep getting distracted by other stuff but I've been wanting to mention Lightning. Everyone seems to be concerned with a lot of things that might be troubling each of the other members of the team but the one thing nobody talks about is the loss of Thunder's sister, Lightning, just a few weeks (possibly days!) ago. Perhaps all of the Lightning talk is happening off panel. But eventually while they're buying tacos, Thunder brings up his sister and how maybe she's still alive somewh....

"Yeah, whatever. I gotta get this."

The Ravagers day at the beach is interrupted by Niles. He needs them for a mission in New York. What a surprise! They need to go help some super-powered kid before N.O.W.H.E.R.E. can get their hands on her. N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is still active? Perhaps Harvest didn't tell them that part of his plan is over.

Once they arrive, The Ravagers are ambushed by Windshear and Bright Eyes in one of the ugliest double splash pages I've ever seen. These two jerks escaped with The Ravagers from the Antarctic N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility before they split up with the main group over the Arctic. Hey, don't fucking look at me! I'm not the one with the horrible grasp on geography or the location of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. After they split up, they were captured by Rose Wilson and Warblade. It looks like they decided being free wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Or even an option, probably.

The Ravagers defeat Windshear and Bright Eyes because Windshear and Bright Eyes are two of the stupidest characters I've ever seen. They never stood a chance! But immediately after taking them down, the real challenge begins.

Don't worry! According to Legion Lost #14, The Ravagers win this battle too.

The Ravagers #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. Someone needs to send Howard Mackie to punctuation school. I can't fucking concentrate on the story because of--all of his...you know--stupid punctuation...--!?.