Deathstroke #20

It's strange that Majestic is the big threat in this issue and yet here we get Terra on the cover.

John Lynch has a problem. He manipulated the genes of a man named Bronson so that when Bronson's meta-gene was activated by a creature named Spartan, Bronson would become a living god. But now Lynch doesn't like the idea of having a living god that he isn't in control of running loose in the world. He has decided to kill or capture him. His plan? Well, Plan A was to nuke Majestic. But that didn't work. So Plan B is not get killed by the now pissed off living god. But what is Plan B?

Surprisingly, Plan B does not involve shooting many, many bullets at Majestic. That was an old Team 7 plan and Lynch retired it after Amanda Waller shot him in the face. Plan B does involve a Wilson Family Reunion. Besides winning Majestic to their side by offering him a bowl of the Famous Wilson Buffalo Chili Pancakes or Jericho's Homemade Jam-filled Chitlin Chunks or Rose Wilson's Sweet Potato Tea (I can't vouch for the deliciousness of any Wilson Family Recipe. They're a strange bunch), I can't think of any way the Wilsons will be of any help whatsoever. Well, okay, Jericho can control Majestic. But why did Lynch specifically need Rose along? To convince Jericho to play nice? How would that work when, according to Deathstroke #0, they never even had a chance to know each other? Fuck, Rose never even had a chance to be born! I suppose Adeline could have been pregnant when her and Baby Joseph pretended to blow up and left Slade forever. But that just gets into other problems as seen last issue.

Anyway, why did Terra tag along? Is she Plan C? And when is Geoforce going to send a fucking postcard to his sister? You would really think that a missing Markovian Princess would be a much bigger deal! Do they just not care that she's missing?

The title of this issue is "Prodigal Sons" and I understand why this phrase is used in this context due to the misunderstanding of the adjective used in the Biblical story. I've bitched about this before so I'll keep this short. Here's the definition of "prodigal":

Adjective: Spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant.
Noun: A person who spends money in a recklessly extravagant way.

So this story is about Majestic (as Lynch's returning son) and Jericho (as Deathstroke's returning son) going on a shopping spree?

At the end of last issue, Jericho took control of Majestic.

"Majestic: Having or showing lofty dignity or nobility; stately." It might be time for a name change, even without Jericho behind the wheel.

When Majesticho drops the plane on Lynch's base, Adeline is crushed under the rubble. Before she dies (again?), she's able to talk to Slade without Jericho's influence and tell him that she could never hate him and that there was nothing to forgive. I know deep down in the brain in my heart that I should simply ignore Liefeld's Deathstroke history but I just can't! According to Liefeld, Slade believed Adeline was dead for many, many years. He often visited her grave while carrying a framed photo of her underneath his trenchcoat. He also thought that Jericho had died. But here he is acting as if the Preboot relationship he had with his family takes precedence over the New 52 history! So shoddy, DC. The overall continuity on The New 52 is nearly as bad as the continuity on my first comic book, JC Presents.

The quality improves greatly when I get around to my second comic book, Arrogance, many years later.

Deathstork Deathstroke realizes they're all about hip deep in a whole batch of love gravy as he rounds up his famly. Terra is super pissed off to have been brought into this mess but since she's bound to be Deathstroke's surrogate child, she's ready to do her part. And her part, she realizes, has to do with the dormant volcano that John Lynch's base has been built on top of. I suspect Rose Wilson's part of the plan is to calm down Jericho. I'm sure Lynch knew Jericho would be seduced by Majestic's power and turn on them all. So now Rose has to make some banana sandwiches so Jericho remembers the good times before their dad left. I'm not sure how he's supposed to remember things that never happened. Perhaps Rose has the power to implant false memories.

I see he's familiar with her work.

This doesn't last long before Majesticho escapes and explodes through the floor yelling, "Was that seriously your best shot?" Come on, Jericho! When is the first attack ever the best shot? And yet the opponent always automatically assumes that it is and that it indicates the future outcome of the battle. I suppose Jericho would know for sure if he'd sent Stillborn or Deadstill or Miscarriage or whatever his name was to test out Terra's limits instead of Deathstroke's.

Speaking of the Deadborn issue, that was possibly the worst issue of The New 52 including all of Howard Mackie's grammar disasters. Zealot appears in the issue simply to sleep with Deathstroke and receives one entire line. A super hero in her own right, and she isn't even allowed to help battle Deadborn when he attacks. The battle takes place on foot and on motorcycle and on a train. Maybe. I forget all the details! And then it ends with Deadborn missing an arm and running from battle yet declaring that Slade lost by winning. Or something. Ugh. What a piece of shit!

Majesticho notices Adeline is dead and gets sadgry. That's where you get really sad at reality and then get really angry at whatever you want to blame on reality other than yourself. Majesticho takes out his sadgry on Deathstroke because he's the father. Remember my Phantom Stranger rant? It all comes down to Daddy Issues!

And then Deathstroke realizes the non-family reunion reason Rose Wilson was brought in for the fight.

I didn't realize Invulnerability was a "power" that could be on or off. How is it generated? Is it like a tiny field surrounding every cell of the body that acts like a force field? And Rose Wilson can kick right through that shit? Does that mean Rose could operate on Superman and fix his teeth and clip his nails and cut his hair and shave his back? Rose should become a personal assistant to the Super Powered.

Once they've uncovered Rose Wilson's super secret power, Deathstork Deathstork Deathstroke and Rose manage to knock Majesticho unconscious. That simply means that Jericho transfers his consciousness back into his own body and Grant's and Terra's for good measure. Deathstroke takes out Terra quickly since she's the only really dangerous one left. And then Jericho threatens to make Grant kill himself unless Deathstroke gives up.

Jericho, you stupid jerk. You don't need to stand directly behind him when he does it!

Sheesh. I really have to read the next couple of pages with my brain dialed into the off position (as opposed to the "barely on" position I usually enjoy setting it to). I get the need for finding a cool, actiony way for Jericho to get his throat slit that's still, ultimately, Slade's responsibility. But this! Jericho controlling him and standing right behind him? The long sword held up so awkwardly to not really slit Grant's throat but to drive it straight through? I don't normally like using the word "contrived" since all works of fiction are ultimately "contrived" to a greater or lesser degree. But this? Holy fuck. I can only imagine that Justin Jordan and his creative team were sort of looking askance at this whole scene with a bit of a grimace on their faces and kind of shrugging and thinking, "Eh. Good enough."

Really, I'd rather Jericho had grabbed a hostage that he couldn't control and threatened to kill the person as he held him/her to his chest. And then Deathstroke could have done this same thing but with his own sword. This set up is just ridiculous. But it's comic books and ultimately I find the ridiculousness at an acceptable level!

Rose freaks out and attacks Slade while yelling, "Do you know what you've done?!" Slade kicks her in the face and answers in his own mind. Yeah. He knows what he's done. And it may be the only time in this entire run of Deathstroke since he killed the young kids that wanted to partner with him in the first issue that I feel his character is being done justice.

I'm exaggerating a bit. I did like some of the Kyle Higgins stuff before Liefeld took over. SOME! Not all! Some teeny, tiny percentage! Like maybe the issue before Liefeld took over where it was revealed Slade's drive came from *gasp* Daddy Issues!

The issue ends with Majestic hooked up to an IV full of sedatives, thanks to Rose Wilson's latent gen power. A.R.G.U.S. comes in to clean up and they take Majestic with them to either get counseling or take over Gypsy's now empty cell in The Circus. Lynch is missing and presumed dead. Grant and Jericho are not mentioned but my guess is they're dead and Jericho now resides in whoever the fuck he wants as a ghostly consciousness since one of the A.R.G.U.S. agents has glowing eyes. And Deathstroke never has to deal with his family again! Well, I guess he does. At some point, he'll need to make nice with Rose and battle Jericho to the death.

Deathstroke #20 Rating: +2 Rating. For a comic book that didn't have any idea what it was doing for most of its run, it actually ended on a positive note. Well, not a positive story note! Lots of people died and shit! But it was done well and I liked Slade's characterization in this better than anything I've read him in yet. I think.

And let me say this about Daddy Issues versus Mommy Issues. I don't want to give the impression that I think everybody's lives are ruled by the relationship they have with their father! I think a bad relationship with a father can really screw up a person's life. The problem with Mommy Issues is that a good relationship with a mother creates Mommy Issues! A mother needs to walk a very thin tightrope to do a really superb job caring for her child while giving the child enough freedom to provide for themselves when it's time to live on their own. A person with Mommy Issues becomes a Momma's Child. They often allow their mother to over provide for them and feel way too comfortable living at home well into their thirties. So Daddy Issues and Mommy Issues really take two different tacks. Daddy Issues generally arise from an absent or emotionally unavailable father. Mommy Issues are generated from a mother that's too overprotective and too loving. Both issues can create wildly successful people or horrible failures. None of them indicate a specific adult that will be created. Except maybe Daddy Issues create more strippers and Mommy Issues create more virgins*.

*Most of my research comes from Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac on Poor Parenting. Pink Floyd based their rock opera, The Wall, on this book.

The Ravagers #12

Time to put The Ravagers out of their misery. It was ungrammatical knowing you.

Ridge is on the cover so I have a feeling Deathstroke's PokeDagger is going to get broken. I think he'll make nice with Rose Wilson and realize he doesn't owe Harvest shit. This will lead him to break his contract with Harvest which is something the best mercenaries in the DC Universe never do. So I'm probably wrong.

In the first four pages, Deathstroke captures Thunder, Lightning, and Terra in his PokeDagger. And even if all of the other evidence were stacked higher than a thoroughly convincing stack of evidence, the fact that Terra has already shown up again in Deathstroke #19 means that stabbing people with this dagger does not kill them and turn them into ash. But Beast Boy doesn't know that so he reacts a little angrily.

Awww. Seems just like Preboot times!

While Gar and Slade relive their Preboot rivalry, Caitlin and Rose get into one of those knock-down, drag-out fights that only happen between former best friends. Rose's feelings are hurt because Caitlin didn't remain on the side of evil. And Caitlin's feelings are hurt because Rose didn't tell Caitlin that Niles Caulder was using her DNA to create Real Dolls. Instead of both apologizing and hugging it out, Caitlin throws Rose through a cylinder holding a clone. And then the clone attacks Caitlin. You'd think a clone would have some loyalty. You just can't clone decent clones anymore. Or yet! You probably can't clone them yet! The technology is still being perfected.

Of course that clone fight ends up smashing more clone cylinders which cause more clone fights and more smashed cylinders until nobody knows which Caitlin is Caitlin and which Caitlin is #1 and which Caitlin is #12 and which Caitlin hates Rose more.

I think the one with the moisturized skin is Caitlin.

While Caitlin battles herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself and herself, Beast Boy defeats himself by bringing Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters down on his head. Deathstroke shrugs his shoulders and goes off to stab Rose in the back. Now that he's taken care of everybody but Caitlin, he waits for Caitlin to take care of all of the other Caitlins before having a little chat with her.

Caitlin is distraught about possibly being a clone. Who cares?! Your memories are as real as my memories. They're in the past and it doesn't fucking matter what "body" participated in the creation of those memories. Stop whinging on about it and suck it up! I'm so tired of people searching for reasons to feel discontented and put upon. I don't know for sure that I came out of my mother's vagina! I don't know that my grandparents were truly the people they said they were. But it doesn't even matter! Stop trying to be hurt, Caitlin, and break Deathstroke's jaw already!

Instead, Deathstroke stabs Caitlin in the chest and sucks her up into his blade as well. And that's a wrap on The Ravagers! Except for Beast Boy who gets pulled from the rubble by Raven over in Teen Titans #19 and taken to New York to fight on the side of Trigon.

Later at Harvest's new Colony, Slade returns for his payment. The blade was actually a teleportation device which sent everyone he stabbed back to Harvest's Colony. And since Slade's payment was to be Rose Wilson and Terra, he had to come back to pick them up. They all head over to Deathstroke #19 to battle Jericho and Majestic.

The rest of the Ravagers end up sealed in tubes as Harvest's prisoners. I guess they'll be back whenever Harvest gets his own monthly title.

The Ravagers #12 Rating: No change. This was just a bunch of Ravagers getting stabbed with Slade's magic dagger. Not much of an ending, really. It was almost exactly like what a movie theater employee does after the movie has ended and the audience has gone home.

The Ravagers #11

It's a good thing Caitlin had a Swivel-Spine installed so she can fight enemies in front and in back of her at the same time. Also, she can do the Boob-Butt Showcase with ease.

Last issue, Deathstroke stabbed Little Boy Ridge in the thorax (I'm pretty sure Ridge had a thorax) with a mystical blade that burnt up Ridge's body. But I see Ridge on the cover, so it probably wasn't a fatal stabbing, gutting, and burning. But the smell awakens Beast Boy and he goes to wake up Terra who is totally up for fucking under the scent of human flesh.

Terra sleeps with a Preboot Version of Beast Boy.

While Deathstroke is wandering about Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters killing various children, Rose Wilson and Warblade have also shown up with their own agenda. Their agenda is to capture various children to bring back to Harvest. But since Harvest just paid a small country's GDP to Deathstroke to kill them, he might not be as pleased as Rose is hoping when she brings the kids alive to Harvest's lair. Rose Wilson currently has a blade to Caitlin Fairchild's throat.

I wonder if Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man is going to be Beast Boy and Terra's child? They'll probably have sex because Terra is so fucking turned on by the smell of burning Ridges. Terra and Beast Boy are probably carriers of Harvest's Chrono-Virus, so immediately after sex, Terra will give birth to Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. Then everyone will have to team up to defeat him. Which they'll do. And then Slade Wilson will crack a joke and they'll all laugh. But the joke won't come until the end of next issue because I'm hoping that's the last issue of this comic book.

Does it make me weird that I'm aroused picturing Caitlin literally crapping on Rose? Or does that just make me German?

Meanwhile, Deathstroke jabs his mystic blade into Niles Caulder causing a flesh meltdown and a rich sexual aroma. But before Niles Caulder could be captured in the PokeBlade, he instituted a security protocol to release Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. The Doom Patrol always had the best villains and/or Security Protocols.

And finally Warblade shows up to attack Thunder and Lightning and Terra and Beast Boy as they run around Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters confused at the security alert. They probably should have listened to Niles Caulder's safety briefing when they first arrived. But they were all too full of angst back then to listen to anybody in a position of authority.

I'm not sure why Rose is offering this particular nugget of truncated wisdom as Fairchild smashes her through a steel wall.

With everybody now in the, well, whatever room they're all in, Deathstroke shows up to catch them all. He greets Rose by name so they do know each other. She does have his last name and she was his daughter in another pre-time and pre-place but their relationship has yet to be explored in The New 52. At the time Adeline and Baby Jericho were supposedly killed, there was no sign of a daughter in the Wilson household. I still think she should be the native girl from Eclipso Island.

Everybody recognizes Deathstroke from TMZ. He's so scary and deadly that Rose and Warblade instantly join The Ravagers! Warblade doesn't even have anything snarky and rebellious to say!

Well, maybe just a little bit snarky.

But just as the plan to not get defeated by Deathstroke too quickly is put into action, Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man crashes through the floor! What happens to the plan now? My new plan would be run away really fast while Deathstroke kills it for free and then kills himself from the shame of being manipulated into a freebie. I have a feeling the real plan is going to be Total Chaos.

Actually, Caitlin puts my plan into action with the added benefit of family drama to help her escape.

While Deathstroke and Warblade fight to the death because Warblade is one of those arrogant, stupid idiots that think challenging yourself against the best is a fun diversion, the Ravagers and Rose murder Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. And then Warblade utters his last words: "Rose! Run!"

That's just a mask though. Right? *sniff* RIGHT?!

As Deathstroke continues to fill out his PokeDex, Rose drags Caitlin away from the battle to show her Niles Caulder's secret sex doll room.

Okay. Between this and Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Niles Caulder is officially on his way to being as creepy and disturbing as the Preboot Chief.

Rose continues to try to drag Caitlin further into Caulder's lair because he has something that can stop Deathstroke. But Caitlin's having a little bit of trouble moving past The Caitlin Fairchild Memorial Clone and Sexdoll Museum.

Ego? Narcissism? Arrogance?

The Ravagers #11 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book finally had a really good issue and it ends with "To Be Concluded"! I know I said earlier that I was hoping next issue would be the last. But after this issue? This comic book could go places! Oh well. I guess that's what happens when, month after month, you let Howard Mackie shit in a jar, bury it underground for three weeks, then dig it back up, put it in a folder, and hand it to his editor as the script for next months Ravagers.

The Ravagers #10

Deathstroke? Is Deathstroke what comes next? Wasn't Deathstroke supposed to be coming? What happened to Deathstroke?!

Yep! It's Deathstroke!

I know I should have some profound observation about Deathstork teaming up with Sweatervest but I'm stunned that they spelled Ig Guara's name wrong.

Ha ha! Just kidding! I'm not really stunned at all! This is The Ravagers, after all! Historically, it has been the worst edited comic in DC's 75 years publishing comic books! I haven't actually done the proper research to know if that's true, but my gut is telling me no other comic could possibly have been edited this poorly. And my gut is full of french fries, so it knows what it's talking about.

Look at Harvest being all batlike! He's also acting so Tim Drakey! I'm surprised Deathstroke hasn't figured out who he is already just by the smell of his body odor and the way he shifts his weight and the name on the contract I'm sure they both signed or else Deathstroke wouldn't have taken on this assignment. Free killing is the worst.

Of course he'll stick to the deal, Slade. Because you signed a contract. Right? Tell me you signed a contract! He's a super villain! Of course he's going to try to screw you! At least you have the contract so you can sue his ass. Right?

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke isn't interested in money on this mission because he wants access to Rose Wilson. Does he know she's his daughter? Is she the native girl from Eclipso Island? Or is she just some psycho that took Slade's name and Slade simply wants to know why? Maybe it's his granddaughter!

Speaking of Slade's relatives, what the fuck happened to Jericho? Liefeld had a fucking major boner over bringing Jericho and Adeline back and then they both disappeared with Liefeld! I hope everyone just forgets that version of them (along with Jericho's henchman, Miscarriage Man).

Harvest has already sent out his Butcher Bots to kill Warblade and Rose for their ineptitude. If that happens and Deathstroke signed a contract to kill The Ravagers so that he can have access to Rose Wilson, he's got a potential lawsuit on his hands. I hope the final issue of Deathstroke takes place in Judge Judy's court with Harvest guest starring as the Defendant.

Meanwhile back at The Chief's non-Doom Patrol safe house, The Ravagers are bonding over not having to speak any more Howard Mackie dialogue.

Here they revel in some good Tony Bedard conversation. Blue Beetle died so The Ravagers could suck way less. Well, he didn't actually die. I mean, Ted Kord died but that was in the Preboot and now I'm sad because I brought up Ted's death. Thanks a lot, readers!

While everybody is joking around about their most embarrassing moments like how Caitlin fucked Niles and how Beast Boy sprayed butt juice on a Ravager and how Thunder's sister disappeared into Brother Blood's portal, Ridge begins to exhibit Hulk-like behaviors. Or should I say Banner-like behaviors? Ridge doesn't hulk out when he's angry but when he doesn't feel safe. And now that everybody is having a good time and nobody is trying to kill them, Ridge reverts back to his human form.

I guess Beast Boy can stop being jealous of him now.

Back in Hartsville, Warblade and Rose defeat the Butcher Bots and realize they need to capture the Ravagers and bring them back to Harvest or else Harvest is going to keep trying to kill them. Maybe they should just join the Ravagers and help defeat Harvest! That's such a dumb idea that might just happen! Damian Wayne was a psychotic monster and he learned how to love. Maybe Warblade can too!

Meanwhile more of this disgusting shit is going on:

Dude! How many times am I going to have to see Beast Boy get his heart broken by Terra?! Hasn't he been through enough already! She's going to betray him!

Now I'm wondering if Geoforce is out there ruling over Markovia!

While Beast Boy and Terra suck face in a children's toy store, Niles Caulder is busy bringing Lightning back to life. How did he do it? Did he use Waller's Samsara project? A Lazarus Pit? Whatever Basilisk uses to bring back their corpses? Nanobots? Cloning? Black Magic? No, he just used technobabble! I mean, science!

I bet Batman still has one of Damian's stool samples! I bet Caulder can resurrect Damian from that!

After a big day of nobody trying to kill them (day's not over yet!), everybody tries to go to bed happy so that nothing horrible can crop up unexpectedly. Too bad Little Boy Ridge decides to get up for a midnight snack. As he's grabbing food, he remembers that his mother was pregnant when N.O.W.H.E.R.E. kidnapped him. So there's a Little Toddler Ridge out there somewhere as well! Too bad Little Boy Ridge will never get to meet him. Remember last commentary when I said, "If only Ridge’s skeleton were shown, I’d be willing to believe the cover."

I knew he was disposable!

The Ravagers #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ridge being stabbed in the back by Deathstroke and erupting into flames doesn't actually mean he's dead. You see, a stipulation in the contract was that Deathstroke use "the Abeo Blade" to kill The Ravagers. I have a feeling the Abeo Blade somehow captures a person when they're stabbed by it. Kind of like a really sharp Pokeball.

Why was this issue called "Women and Children First"? Is it because that's the order in which Deathstroke likes to kill people? What a dick!

I also think the cover was intended for whatever storyline Howard Mackie had in line before he left the title. Because that shit don't make sense!

The Ravagers #9

Look at all the skeletons! Oh please oh please oh please let one of them be Superboy’s!

Does anybody else get the feeling this cover is exaggerating what will happen? I know DC has announced that The Ravagers has been canceled but this would be ridiculous! Beast Boy and Terra can't die yet! Although if only Ridge's skeleton were shown, I'd be willing to believe the cover.

People in a little town in Colorado called Hartsville have suddenly gained the intensely useless power to implode. One of those people is Rose Wilson. Luckily she'll probably be killed by The Ravagers before she turns into an ash pile.

Lucky for Rose, the sheriff of Hartsville is acting completely opposite of the way a comic book character is supposed to act. Especially when that character is a cop! Violence, sir, not talking! VIOLENCE!

The Sheriff threatens violence if everybody doesn't calm down and listen to him but he doesn't begin with shooting people in the face. I'm having a tough time understanding this comic book. Talking only happens after the violent altercation is realized to be a misunderstanding! But instead this sheriff has stopped The Ravagers from fighting the Real Ravagers (one of those groups is Warblade and Rose Wilson and the other is Caitlin and her kids. Take your pick) by the mere use of words! It's incredible! This man needs to teach Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and Green Arrow and Firestorm and all the other characters this strange power.

Because the Sheriff has the secret power of speaking, he shouts orders to the heroes and they listen to him. What the fuck? Warblade actually does what the Sheriff commands instead of mouthing off like all teenaged comic book characters do. When the Sheriff says, "Warblade deals with the inmates," Warblade should have said, "Boss people around much?" But he doesn't! He actually does what the Sheriff tells him to do and goes to investigate the prison. I'm so fucking confused! Comic books have not taught me how to read this kind of story!

To be fair, Warblade probably would have eviscerated the Sheriff by now if Rose Wilson hadn't also come down with the Imploding Power.

Warblade finally encounters the convict that was causing all the trouble at the prison and his Implosion Infection took differently. Instead of gaining Implosion Powers, he's gained Hadouken powers! For the less nerdy of you, that means he shoots fireballs out of his hands.

Meanwhile, the Sheriff has shouldered the responsibility for finding the cure for the Implosion Virus. Doesn't Hartsville have a doctor? Or a scientist? Or, at the very least, a barber? I'm not sure of the Sheriff's credentials for curing diseases. His first attempt is to shoot Rose up with morphine. Well, at least that won't hurt her! While they're all waiting to see what happens, Caitlin and Rose remember that they were once friends.

Holy fuck. I can't believe anybody even remembered they were once friends! I blocked most of the issues of Superboy and The Culling from my mind.

In all the confusion, the Sheriff's daughter Candice stole a cop car to escape town. But the only way into town was blocked by an avalanche. And the switchback was, well, I don't know. Not an option any more? But luckily a third way out of town has been discovered: County Road 22! Candice says, "Oh, c'mon! There has to be at least one road still open!" Funny! I thought there was only one road to begin with! It looks like there are so many roads that the quarantine has probably already failed anyway. But Ridge and Thunder and Beast Boy and Terra have all been sent to retrieve this one girl before she can spread the Implosion Infection across the world. Seems like a bit of overkill for one teenage girl. While they're dragging her ass back, Thunder has some kind of attack that he has to explain to everyone since they all suddenly think he's catching.

Dude! Don't give up on your sister so easily! She didn't die. She just entered a portal to The Red! Anyway, if she is dead, you can team up with Light once she gets out of jail. Thunder and Light! Enh, close enough.

Later Warblade gets a DNA sample from the prison inmate and then kills him. The Sheriff's son exhibits some kind of super power where he makes bubbles or something. And Warblade and Terra suddenly have something to talk about.

I think the Colorists are just looking for attention since I never fucking mention them. Okay, I'll bite! Hey Tony Avina? That was supposed to be Rose Wilson, not Terra!

Once everyone is back together and not punching each other in the face for some reason, Warblade tells the Sheriff he knows how to "dissipate the radiation." He needs fifteen people for the cure which the Sheriff readily finds volunteers for. Because people in small towns get things fucking done when they need to come together and count on each other! Them Ravagers better learn a lesson from all this! And then the Sheriff proves once and for all that he really shouldn't fucking be in a comic book. At least not without wearing an "S" on his chest.

If this guy survives, he should be next in line to wear the Goddamned Bat Costume.

The yokels stand around in a circle with the Sheriff at the center and then Warblade throws apricot jam on them. Or he does a hand dance. Or he twirls fire. I don't know what the fuck he's doing! But whatever he does, it cures the town and kills the Sheriff! Yay! I mean, yay for curing the town! Boo for killing the Sheriff! He was the best character in The Ravagers so far!

How come Ig Guara made Brenda so cute in Blue Beetle but his art is kind of crappy in this? Is it Norm Rapmund's fault? Is he a lousy inker? Or was Ig just rushing through these issues because the gig was just dropped in his lap?

Warblade and Rose Wilson decide not to fight the Ravagers and the Ravagers decide not to fight Rose Wilson and Warblade. Rose chooses not to fight because she's all fucked up from the morphine. Caitlin decides not to fight because, well, I don't know. Maybe she feels guilty because Rose kept shoving the whole betrayal thing in her face. I forget what the betrayal was all about. I think it was just that Caitlin chose Superboy over Rose. It's always about a guy when best friends feud.

Elsewhere, Harvest is watching his crystal ball to learn that Rose Wilson and Warblade fucked up big time. So now he's supposedly angry enough to want to kill them. That means Rose and Warblade will have to join Caitlin's Ravagers! I still think Harvest should be Future Vampire Tim Drake instead of Echo Captain Future Shard of Captain Atom.

The Ravagers #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's suddenly a decent comic book! But more importantly, it isn't full of grammar errors and sloppy punctuation and punctuation errors and sloppy grammar! I wonder what happened to Howard Mackie? Maybe he's writing Chick Tracts now.

The Ravagers #8

Look at all the blood! Oh please oh please oh please let it be Superboy's!

Before I begin reading this comic, I have a few things to discuss. I'll start with Harvest. After reading Legion Lost #16, the last issue of Ravagers actually makes a little more sense. It's too bad the stories in Ravagers, Superboy, and Legion Lost are currently so convoluted you can't tell what's happening. In Legion Lost #16, Harvest found himself at a point in time where he doesn't know what's going to happen anymore, so he needs somebody that can tell the future. Now, I don't know why Harvest has this problem. It's not like he gave Captain Adym some kind of cheat sheet when Adym went back in time so that Adym would know all of the moves he should make so that the events in Legion Lost #16 would come to pass. He must have known what to do from studying the history of the time period while he was in the future. I suppose he stopped studying the events at the point where he goes back in time, so Harvest (who is Captain Adym after he went back in time in Legion Lost #16) now doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen. Harvest says it himself, so that isn't just speculation. But that reasoning only makes Ravagers #7 a little bit better because the girl he's trying to capture sucks at actually telling the future. She can see many, many versions and doesn't know which one will come to pass. Plus she obviously sometimes can't even see the version of the future that happens because when Terra fucks everything up at the end of issue #7, she claims it was worse than the worst vision she had seen earlier. Hopefully she ran away forever.

The second thing makes me happy! Ig Guara and Norm Rapmund are now the art team on this book! That must be why Ig was missing from the last issue of Blue Beetle. He's moved on to make everyone in this book super cute.

The last thing to note is that Howard Mackie is gone! No more fucking random punctuation! No more horrible train wreck, vomit inducingly awful scripts (maybe!). It looks like Michael Alan Nelson wrote the 28 Days Later comic book and a bunch of Cthulu comics. So he's a horror writer! I hope that means he's going to kill people. One thing I'm pretty confident about: he absolutely, positively, in no fucking way can be worse than Howard Mackie. No offense, Howard!

And that's it! Time to see if this comic book can drag itself out of the bottom of the ranks.

The comic begins following Rose Wilson and Warblade to a small town in Colorado where they're hunting down another one of the Culling Kids that escaped when NOWHERE's headquarters exploded in Antarctica the arctic Antarctica the arctic fuck if I know where. This kid's super power is imploding. Or maybe that's a defect of his super power. He seems to be one of Harvest's experiments. And he's not a very successful one the way Superboy was successful. I wonder if whatever creature was in Biotube #1 (the empty tube next to Superboy's Biotube #2) was a successful experiment? I wonder when he'll show up? I hope it wasn't H'el. While I was wondering about the other clone, Adam the Imploder decides to implode which spreads radiation all over town turning everybody else into imploders.

I guess it's time to burn down the town and slaughter everybody.

Rose Wilson decides not to kill everyone because Harvest might not understand. And she'd rather not be bitten by vampire Tim Drake lectured by Echo Captain Adym when he learns that they massacred everyone in a small town simply because they couldn't catch The Imploder.

Rose decides to quarantine the town so she sends Warblade out to cause an avalanche to block the only road into town. Really? Just one road in to town? What is this, a computer role playing game? The next Pokemon game? "The road out of town is closed. You'll have to save everybody's lives and make their pets fight each other while we try to clear the road. If you check back, you'll notice we've made no progress because we'll only clear the road when you've finished your mission here. And then it will instantly be clear and you'll be free to travel the linear path to the next town. You'll probably be stuck there until you kill the dragon and/or wake up the Snorlax."

Pretty soon the once normal citizens begin exercising their rights to use their new found super powers!

Murray's wife is pregnant. I hope her baby hasn't gotten this power and implodes in her womb. That could get messy and/or sexy.

After seeing Murray disappear inside himself leaving a stinking, smoking pile, the other citizens of the town begin to suspect that they've inherited the worst super power ever right after being able to telepathically boss fish around or being able to not tell the future. They also suspect that the weird green guy with the smiley teeth and his white haired bombshell are to blame. And since this is a backwoods small town, there's only one solution they can think of: lynch those strangers! Or tar and feather them! Okay, okay. They have two solutions to outsider problems! But for once, the police try to calm everyone down so they can talk it out and find a non-violent, non-implosive solution to the problem.

I don't even know what I'm looking at here. Why isn't he shooting something? Why isn't someone punching him in the face? How dare a police officer act rational!

More people begin using their powers and buildings begin catching on fire from the heat and fire generated from imploding. Rose has no idea how to stop everyone from acting so rashly and the sheriff isn't going to not shoot people all day. They really need to think of a solution to the problem and the Sheriff's kids might be the answer. Because when Adam blew in, everyone in town's brains showed through their skulls except for Warblade's, Rose Wilson's, and the Sheriff's kids'. And since the Imploder super power couldn't transfer to other people with super powers, that must mean the sheriff's kids, Kris and Candice. Maybe they have a super power that takes away other people's super powers!

While a solution is not forthcoming, Rose and Warblade turn hero to save children from a burning house.

Fucking fuck. I'm not usually a traditionalist but it sure is nice to read correctly punctuated sentences again. I wonder if Howard Mackie is on Twitter? I should follow him so I can get a daily dose of dashes and ellipses!

Warblade and Rose Wilson bicker for awhile about killing people. Specifically, Warblade wants to kill everyone and Rose doesn't want him to. She finally convinces him that if they attract too much attention, it could ruin Harvest's plans and then Harvest will pull out their insides with his cock. Once they get over their spat, Rose begins to implode. That's not supposed to happen but before they can figure out why it is happening, guests arrive!

How did they get through the roadblock? I guess they knew about the old switchback trail into town! Or, you know, Terra moved the avalanche.

The Ravagers #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. Grading on a huge curve, I'm giving this issue a bit of a boost. It's the first issue of The Ravagers that was actually readable. And while I don't know exactly why The Ravagers pursued War Blade and Rose Wilson after their last encounter instead of pursuing the Girl with the Worst Super Power Ever to keep her safe (which was their mission, after all), I don't really care. That might sort itself out in time. And even if it doesn't, I was hoping Que Sandra would never appear again and it looks like she may not. Yay!

The Ravagers #7

Too bad this is only a vision.

Seeing the phrase "The End" on the front of both The Ravagers and Blue Beetle this month got me thinking about how close The Ravagers actually are to being cancelled. This got me to check out total sales on The New 52 for November to see how closely the popularity of a title matched up to the overall ranking I've given the titles based on how well written they are. The sales figures for November are a bit skewed since a number of titles sold better than they normally do because of crossovers such as The Third Army and Death of the Family. Surprisingly, my rankings matched up exactly with the sales numbers of five titles: Batman, Red Lanterns, Swamp Thing, The Flash, and Grifter. Not surprising was how far off I was with a number of books. I have Demon Knights ranked at #4 and sales ranks it at #42. Red Hood and the Teen Titans have sales figures putting them in the mid-twenties while I have them ranked in the mid-forties. Detective Comics and The Dark Knight which have been horrible up until have sales figures putting them in the top ten while I have them ranked at 34 and 45 respectively. These aren't surprising due to the popularity of the characters heading the titles. Jason Todd and Tim Drake have huge fandoms that are sticking with these books even though they're written so poorly while Etrigan can't quite grab an audience's attention even though his book looks gorgeous and is thoroughly entertaining. For fuck's sake, The Ravagers have better sales numbers than Stormwatch! I am so fucking ashamed of comic book readers right now.

Oh, as for The Ravagers? I have them ranked at 42 (probably higher than they should be!) and sales ranks them at 38. That's pretty consistent. At the bottom of the sales ranks and my rankings are the ones you'd expect: Deathstroke, Hawkman, Grifter, Legion Lost. If it weren't for the popularity of some of these characters (like Batman!), I'd expect sales to be a lot closer to my rankings. About half of them are pretty damn close.

Now that I've wasted as much time as I could ignoring reading The Ravagers, it's probably time to waste time figuring out more ways to waste time instead of reading The Ravagers! Call of Duty would kill a few hours. Masturbating wouldn't kill that much time but I'd probably take a nap afterward. I could read an actual book or maybe I could do more Bible Study. Or maybe I could just get this over with.

Instantly I'm lost amid the ellipses and half-finished sentences, the missing spaces and missing commas, the extra commas and double dashes. I'm in the mind of Howard Mackie. It feels like being stuck in the birth canal. Something is happening but not quickly enough. I'm struggling, choking, fighting for life. Is there meaning in anything we do? Is the struggle worth it? Should I just...put in random punctu--ation whenever I feel I...need to breathe?--?...!

The girl that The Ravagers were sent to save hides behind a tree watching The Ravagers battle Rose Wilson and Warblade. She's Narration Boxing a letter to her mother about how she's seen so many visions of the future that she can't be sure what future is about to go down. Wow. What a terrible predicament to be in.

How many punctuation errors can you find?

The title of this issue is "Ghosts of Future Present." Most people reading this comic book will read the title and move on without thinking much about it. Maybe they'll say it in a cinematic way but just keep going. But I want you to read it again.

The meaninglessness of our existent stares back from this title. Drink deep of the despair.

The enormity of time crashes through you. Your ego disappears into the vastness of infinite space.

Paralyzed by decisions that don't matter. Extant for a universal second.

Nothing. Everything. All of it here. All of it gone.

Back to the twenty page distraction from the inevitability of the eternal grave, Caitlin Fairchild gets knocked into the tree where Future Present Girl has been hiding. She not only has the power to imagine how the future might possibly turn out, she also has the power to make other people think about how the future might possibly turn out. Maybe her super hero name is Devil's Advocate or Que Sarah or The Ellipsis.

Her task now is to show Caitlin Fairchild what might possibly happen if things go a certain way for some certain reason. And whatever that thing is that causes this future to happen, please do it because Superboy is killed almost instantly!

The double period...burning into my brain...destroying my memories--first kiss, gone; grandfather's voice, gone; the best fish stick I ever ate, gone--destroying everything that makes me...me?

Harvest wants Future Girl (Maybe her name isn't Que Sarah at all? Perhaps it's Que Sandra! (it hurts my soul to think that joke is being wasted on fans of The Ravagers)) so that she can help guide him in his plans. You know what? That's even stupider than all of this random punctuation. Harvest's plans never go wrong and he's from the future! So why does he need a girl who sees so many futures she doesn't know which one is going to come true to guide him? He wants the future that he came from. So having a girl tell him about fifteen different possible futures isn't going to help him any because the only one he wants to happen is the one that will cause Tim Drake to be bitten by a vampiric scythe so he can name himself Harvest and take over all space and time! Or just come back to the past to ensure that he exists in the future. Man, that's stupid, isn't it?

In Caitlin's vision, The Ravagers take over the world and none of it would have been possible without Future Girl. And somehow Rose says that Caulder and Caitlin delivered her to Harvest although Rose and Warblade and Windshear and Brighteyes already knew where she was and were going after her. So that's more stupidity.

Wow. What a terrifically useless power. "Here are 153 possible versions of the future! One of them is true!"

Caitlin then asks Que Sandra, "What you showed me was real?" And Que Sandra replies, "Maybe...things can change...choices made...I don't know how to control the power...how to tell." She's so powerful! She can speculate on the future but can't know what it'll be! I wish I had her amazing talents! Que Sandra then has another insight for Caitlin.

OH FUCK YOU, LISA! Caitlin has been helping them! That's all that she has been doing. That's what she was going to do all along. And telling someone that "THIS POINT" determines the path they will take is FUCKING OBVIOUS! Every point determines every point past that point, you stupid fucking piece of fucking fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK!

Here's an interlude to allow me to regain my sanity. It is the conversation between myself and Doom Bunny that we were having on Instant Messenger as I read this comic. Some of it will repeat. But I need to go outside for a breath of fresh air.

Me: "Ugh! This new person the Ravagers have met has the dumbest power. She sees all the different things that might happen in the future and one of them always comes true but she doesn't know which!"
Me: "Fuck you! We all have that power! It's called 'SPECULATION!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I see two futures for me: one where I win the lottery on Saturday, and one where I don't! One of those is sure to come true!"
Me: "That moment will determine the path your life will take! After, um, that moment! It's good you can see the possible futures in store!"
Doom Bunny: "I guess that power could come in handy if there is something in the future that came so out of left field that you couldn't speculate about it. Like if I suddenly saw the possibility of being hit by a bus tomorrow! Of course then I might stay home for no reason."
Me: "Except she sees that future alongside 250 other possible futures. More! 250,000,000!"
Doom Bunny: "Oh jeez. So I could be hit by any number of things! Or not at all! What the hell good is that? I know that already!"
Me: "I know! WORST. POWER. EVER. She has the power to WORRY!"

Okay, I'm back and so is Caitlin. She sees the events unfolding exactly like the vision she was shown by Future Girl! Except they're a little bit different for some reason. Everything is the same except Ridge and Superboy don't get stabbed. But they say all the same things! Maybe it's because she didn't run away with Lisa. Instead she stayed to observe.

By staying to help, Caitlin manages to convince Terra to actually fight back. Terra flips the fuck out and begins smashing everything to bits in a big scary display that doesn't actually do anything except vandalize the surrounding properties and throw Caitlin to the ground. Oh, it also excites Rose in a way she hasn't been excited since she and Timber Wolf met in The Culling.

Maybe it was Timber Wolf that wanted to dance with Rose? Whover it was, the dance never happened because Timber Wolf smelled Kid Flash.

Terra knocks out Rose and Warblade and then kills Warblade even though everyone else tries to stop her. Hey! I'm beginning to suspect this is another future possibility! I hope The Ravagers simply goes on for another 300 issues stuck in this moment as Fairchild experiences all of the possible futures that can spring from "THIS POINT!"

Oh my God! Terra is capable of murder in the Reboot! That's so different!

Warblade is okay though because he can morph his body. He also says something that isn't so stupid because everything else in the comic is stupider: "Ravagers die if and when Harvest says we die." Then there's a big whooshing noise and Warblade and Rose are gone and Future Girl is freaking out. The vision she showed Caitlin earlier was the "worst thing that could happen." But now Caitlin did "something terrible...something that might be too late to stop...worse than what [they] saw before...." So no matter how terrible I thought her power was before, she has just proven that it's even worse than that. She then runs into away, hopefully never to be heard from again.

Later they return to Los Angeles (although Caitlin and Ridge actually get transported to Arizona when they chase after Jocelyn and Superboy. I don't know why the rest don't follow since they're here. Unless they end up back in New York later and then go to Arizona? Fuck this is confusing!) where Caitlin informs Niles that The Ravagers are dangerous. Niles says, "Oh my God! Good thing we have emergency measures to keep them in check!" And Superboy goes, "Wait. What? Me!?" And then the final surprise page!

After seeing Rose Wilson here, I'm 98% positive she's the native girl from the Eclipso Island in Team 7 #3.

The Ravagers #7 Rating: -5 Ranking. This was literally the stupidest fucking story in the history of literature. I'm not exaggerating at all! See? I used literally!