Convergence: Justice League International #2

I wonder how quickly I can finish my Convergence commentaries?!

Here's the Justice League International! When they're not joking, they're dying! Boom! Next!

Of course you wouldn't because you're all assholes.

Most heroes in comic books have a kindergarten level understanding of war (in other words, an American citizen understanding of it). They understand it's either me or them and don't mind how many others die as long as they keep the people like them safe. So when they're trying to save a future timeline, they don't mind that they're killing all of the people in all of the alternate timelines. When they need to save Earth, they don't care about the alien citizens relying on the alien army taking over the planet for the race's survival. They just want to punch things and ignore whatever the real problem is. And if they don't have to see the dead bodies piled up due to their involvement in all out war instead of trying to negotiate some kind of diplomatic solution, even better!

I wish Telos's game had simply been a test. All the heroes that chose not to play his game and decided to save everybody would get to live. The others would wind up back in a dome, all together, for the rest of their lives. The whole "violence solves problems" philosophy is the thing I hate most about comic books. Except Scott Lobdell's writing. That's probably slightly worse.

Blue Beetle gives back the gobstopper and wins it all!

Telos would have been better off not having announced his game the way he did. Now he's ensured that at least half of his participants will refuse to fight because they were told they have to. He's supposed to be half-Brainiac, so you'd think he could have come up with a better plan to trick these heroes into battling each other to the death. Or he just should have found more super villains. Super heroes rarely question whether they should punch a bad guy in the throat. But you send Alternate Timeline Wonder Woman to fight with Blue Beetle and he's going to wonder why anybody would think he'd actually punch Wonder Woman in the face.

This issue is called "Punchline" because Justice League International are jokers. But we all know what the real punchline of a Justice League International series is, right? Dead League members!

Blue Beetle can't get Kingdom Come Wonder Woman to lay down her sword but he does at least convince her to have their Heroclix battle on the desert map instead of the Metropolis map. She gathers up her unique Heroclix buddies while common Heroclix Beetle heads back to his mostly common group to give them the bad news. At least they have Martian Manhunter! He's a powerful unique figure!

They fight for awhile until Blue Beetle finds himself thrown off the edge of the map by Wonder Woman where he meets up with other Blue Beetle.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come. I thought Kingdom Come Ted Kord was just a fat old man.

Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle battle Telos battle bots. It's a Telos battle bot beetle battle. Soon they battle in a puddle with paddles and it's a Telos battle bot beetle paddle battle in a puddle. Then Blue Beetle rattles off some riddles and it's a Fight For Home Outside The Dome Double Beetle Telos Battle Bot Paddle Puddle Riddles Rattled Cattle Battle (because some cows wander into the battle). And then there's the earthquake which really causes some confusion.

After the earthquake, it seems Telos's battle bots no longer care about keeping the contestants of Multiversal Thunderdome in the arena. So Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle head back to the Heroclix map where they find Justice League International has been handily defeated. Again. And again. And, also, again.

That means that every Pre-Zero Hour combatant has lost their fight. Pre-Zero Hour is the worst! But once again, they've only surrendered and gone home to wait for Metropolis to stop existing. But they all seem pretty upbeat about it. I suppose Ted is upbeat because he's going to get some birthday sex from Fire!

Or a crappy surprise from Booster. I guess that's just as good.

Convergence: Justice League International #2 Rating: I'm just surprised that nobody died. Five Bwa Ha Has out of Ten.

Divergence: Justice League 3001
"It's one year later as we travel deeper into the future with Justice League 3001!"

Isn't it clever? They added one year to it! Bwa ha ha!

Clark and Teri are out on a date. Ariel and Bruce are along as chaperones. Bruce is probably there to tell Clark he's an idiot a few times as well.

Close enough. Drink!

Close enough again! Double drink! And eat a cookie!

The date is going poorly enough (because Giffen and DeMatteis can only write antagonistic, ball-breaking dialogue which isn't the kind of dialogue that helps get a couple into bed at the end of the night) before Diana and the new member of the team crash the restaurant.

Yay! Guy Gardner! With boobs! And...I'm going out on a limb here but I think I'm probably right...a vagina!

Is it wrong that I now have a crush on Guy Gardner?

Oh hey! I'm a woman too now! I get to say sexist stuff too! Hooray!

Men are pigs that pee on everything! Balls are gross! Men and remote controls, amirite?! I wonder how many fingers I can put in my vagina?!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2

One of these two characters is the greatest character Grant Morrison ever created.

If you're a big nerd and just love to be a huge pedantic jerk-face, you're probably chomping at your Cheetos-covered bit to point out that technically Grant Morrison didn't create Damian Wayne. The technically in that is important because obviously Grant Morrison created the character! Denny O'Neil created a world in which Batman had a son with Talia but that was just off-canon, semen-covered pablum. The semen is the important part of that descriptor because it seeded Grant Morrison's vagina mind and got it pregnant with Damian Wayne. I'm glad pedantic jerk-faced nerds don't know anything about sex or else they'd get all pedantic about me saying a vagina can get pregnant!

Last issue, Damian met the Red Hood for the first time. Unless he didn't. He seemed not to know that the Red Hood was previously a Robin because he got all heartbroken that Batman would treat the guy like family. It's also possible, since I know nothing about the Pre-Flashpoint years (except that Grant Morrison wrote a lot of shit I should probably read), that Damian was using that "treating this strange jerk like family" line because he knows it's Jason Todd under that mask. He's trying to tell Batman, in the only way he knows how (by being a little asshole), that Batman is a shitty father who loves dead kids better than alive kids, and he doesn't even love dead kids that much if they return from the grave. People without their own opinions are the easiest people to deal with. And you know how many opinions dead people have, right?! No wonder Bruce loves his mother and father so much. They were only able to fail him once. Imagine how much more angst Batman would have if he had to grow up as a teenager around them?!

Last issue ended with the C-List Extremists challenging Batman, Robin, Red Hood, and Scarlet to a battle. But Batman is all, "We don't fight just because somebody told us we fight. But we will fight to defend our lives which is kind of the same thing but at least it's on our terms. So there."

Okay, they sound like poorly written siblings. They must know each other.

Has anybody ever had their breakfast peed on? Why would anybody even assume that happened when they meet somebody in a bad mood? Aren't there more unlikely reasons that a person is annoyed and disgruntled in the morning? I would assume that they're still just getting over the intrusion of reality on their dreaming life. Waking life is the worst part of life. It takes me at least eight hours after waking to acclimate to it.

After all the living dolls are destroyed and the Extremists join the fight, the dialogue really gets interesting!

Scarlet really nails her big line!

I think somebody is writing this Marvel style! You know, that's where Ron Marz hands a "script" to Denys Cowan that looks something like this:

Page 1-4 or something: The Bat-family is overrun by Carny's living dolls.
Page 1-10 or something: The Extremists join the fight and everybody fights.
Page whatever to whatever: The fight is resolved and stuff.
Page the last pages: Damian and Batman almost hug. That should be clear but if you have any questions, text me! I'm going to go blow my fat Convergence money on hookers now!"

I've read that panel with Scarlet and, um, Meanstreak? about seven times because it's so awful. I keep trying to make it sound clever by stressing different words, or imagining they're having sex. It's especially terrible since this is only the second time Scarlet has even gotten to put words in a word balloon. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma encased in an enigma!

How did Ron Marz once make Wizard's List of Hottest Writers?

Why even have Batman say anything if he's just going to stand there asking their names? Why is he doing that? Has he forgotten who they are after getting punched in the face a dozen times by Brute? Is this Batman's way of showing disappointment that they haven't taken care of their rivals yet? Wouldn't it be better if he just said nothing?

Actually, the Extremists don't live by the rules at all which is why they destroyed their homeworld. Which also means they probably make the rules since nobody else was left to make any. Unless that's just Lord Havok's job, and then Death Angel is being as honest as she can.

When I first glanced at that panel, I thought Damian was laughing at what Death Angel was saying. Then I read Death Angel's dialogue, saw that it was incredibly boring, and realized Damian is simply laughing at Jason Todd getting his face slashed off. That kid is a dick, isn't he?!

The action only gets more incredible as Brute recovers and attacks Batman before Damian or Jason can answer him. As Brute grabs Batman's cape, Batman says, "You again." It almost makes me quit reading comic books once and for all. But then Damian Wayne calls Carny fat (again!) and I go so far past quitting comic books that I'm back to reading them again! Red Hood kicks Death Angel because he can't grapple with her or punch her because he's holding a gun in each hand. If he's not going to shoot her, he really should put the guns away. And finally, Scarlet pulls out a teeny little knife and says to Meanstreaker, "That's a knife! This is a knife too!" She probably should have pulled out her blade earlier before her face got all slashed up.

You know, I think I have a comic book from way back called Scarlet. Wasn't it about vampires? Is this that Scarlet? Is that why she doesn't say much? Vampires don't say much usually. At least that was true before Ann Rice got her hands on them and then, oh boy! Stop whinging on, Lestat! Just accept your life as a vampire and stop being such a fucking baby! Even Louis who is far more likeable and kind accepts his Salem's Lot in life! Anne wrote Interview With a Vampire in which Lestat and Louis seemed to say everything that needed to be said. But then fucking Lestat couldn't stop going on and on about how life fucked him and he needed his own book. And still that wasn't enough because we still had to hear about how Lestat was his own worst enemy and constantly drove away everybody he loved in Tale of the Body Thief! That's about where I stopped reading so if Lestat was still rolling around in his own piss and misery, I, for one, wasn't reading any more about it.

Batman allows himself to get the lower hand with Brute so that Damian and Jason will work together to save Batman. Then Batman is all, "Good jorb, guys! Did you hear how I pronounced 'job' as 'jorb'? That was me kidding around with my sons! You're both my sons and I love you a lot! Now let's fight these bad guys together!" And Jason Todd and Damian Wayne hug and then go running into battle holding hands.

Scarlet must have died while the kids were helping Batman.

Throughout the entire comic book, Carny goes on and on about playing and games. It was only now, about eighteen pages in, that I got the hint! Hey! This guy likes playing games! Ha ha!

Brute grabs Jason and Damian just as the Convergence Earthquake hits and shakes the old building apart and turns Gotham into a no man's land. Probably. Brute falls off the building but Damian grabs Jason's hand and falls off the building and then Batman grabs Damian's hand and doesn't fall off the building, even though he's crying his eyes out because Jason Todd said "dead in an alley." What an unfeeling asshole!

After the fight, Batman asks, "Are either of you hurt?" See, that's supposed to be a call back from last issue when Damian did not ask if Batman was hurt when he obviously was very hurt. He's teaching his son how to be a man! Or maybe he's actually asking if either one is emotionally butthurt because he showed more love for one or the other during the fight. Also, he doesn't ask if Scarlet is hurt because he's all, "Who is Scarlet? Was somebody else fighting on our side?"

Scarlet ties up all the bad guys while the Bat-Family watches. I guess billionaires and their families are too good for the blue collar work of cleaning up the crime scene. Dicks.

See, Batman? Hugs aren't lethal.

Well! I'm glad Jason Todd is over the whole "I was killed by The Joker and you didn't kill him at all afterward so you must not love me!" thing he was suffering from. And Batman found the ability to do that move where you immobilize a criminal but you just do it softer and people feel comfort from it. Nice jorb, Batman!

Superman stops by to rub his father and mother in Batman's face. They don't hug because that would be totally gay and the paparazzi might be watching and then the headline on some rag sheet will be all, "Batman and Superman...Bat butt buddies?!" And then Superman and Batman will have to be even more cautious when they fuck in the sky. But they leave each other on good terms because they're both dads now and they have no idea what's going to happen after Convergence ends. I wonder if even DC Comics knows?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2 Rating: This issue wasn't as awful as the first issue although it was 90% fight with horrible dialogue thrown in. Nobody really acknowledges Scarlet and the final panel with Batman, Robin, and Red Hood completely leaves her out. Did I just imagine her? The final few pages were a bit rushed but that was fine. This whole Convergence thing is about leaving characters in a completely different place than they've ever been (or haven't been for a long time). So Batman and Superman are accepting their changing roles as fathers and realizing they have a new responsibility to the world. Damian and Jason have a grudging respect for each other. And Jason Todd has let the past go so he can hang out with daddy. This issue deserves 6 Dead Parents in an Alley out of 10.

Divergence: The Omega Men
"For 200 years the Citadel has controlled the worlds of the Vega star system. Millions have resisted. Millions have died. Billions have surrendered. Six fight on."

Did The Omega Men really need to be rebooted? Does anybody think they'll accidentally strike gold again and create another rock star character like Lobo? I have my doubts! I also have my doubts that this series will be interesting!

I think Tom King, the writer, came from television, right? I could ask Lord Google but fuck him. We're fighting right now because I asked him for an innocent search term and he returned row after row of erect phalluses. Jerko! Anyway, the opening scene is quite cinematic and done in that "Keith Giffen/Brady Bunch" style. It starts with a robot and a probably cat person and a big broot...er, brute in a robe setting up a set for a ransom video. Or a cutting off the captured person's head video but I think DC Comics is probably thinking twice about publishing touchy stuff like that right now.

Okay dammit. This is a good set-up for the series. I'm in.

I hope Fox News doesn't get a whiff of this and portray it as a pro-ISIS comic book!

The man in the hood is Kyle Rayner which makes me hope the beheading is actually going to happen! No, no! I'm just kidding! No wait! Kidding about beheadings is probably worse than actually beheading somebody! And kidding about a fictional beheading is probably worse than that! I take back everything I said forever and completely apologize and will now think whatever thoughts won't offend anybody forever.

Kyle came to the Omega Men with words of peace from The Citadel. At least, that's what Kyle thought. But the history has proven that these negotiations are full of lies and betrayals. Kyle may have thought he was negotiating peace but he's just caught up in a conflict that can only end with one side's complete destruction.

Oh. There's the cat person!

Tigorr goes to slit Kyle's throat but the tape goes all wonky the way VHS tapes were wont to do in the time before fire was invented. So Kyle probably didn't actually die at all. He's probably going to join the Omega Men and help them defeat The Citadel. That's cool. Dead or not dead, Tom King just got me interested in The Omega Men and Kyle Rayner.

Holy fuck this Divergence comic was heavy. Beautifully put together. Nicely done, Tom King. I hope the Convergence Weekly lives up to this eight page mini!

P!S!: Never mind all that stuff where I confused Tom King with Jeff King. I probably should have consulted Lord Google! Also I should remember names betterer.

Convergence: Justice League International #1

Grgglplz!

Justice League International only has two speeds: comic relief or horrible tragedy. I wonder which one we'll get this time!

This issue is called "It Only Hurts When I Laugh" which is probably a pretty apt title for the Justice League International I just described in the previous paragraph. It begins with Metallo marching down the street in front of the Daily Planet proclaiming that he shall be the new leader of Metropolis. That sounds like the cue for Booster and Beetle to drop in and make a dumb joke!

Or just Beetle.

So Roy Harper's cybernetic arm didn't work under the Dome but Red Tornado is fully functional. Do Martian Manhunter's powers work since they're part of his physiology and not actually super-powers? He obviously has his shapechanging ability still or else he'd look like a monstrous alien freak. No offense!

Blue Beetle makes sure to mention how they adapted Red Tornado's tech so that he could retain his powers so that fanboys like me can just suck it with our whiny bitching over every little pathetic detail. I get it, Blue Beetle! I'm annoying! I should just sit back and enjoy whatever DC Comics shoves in my face: shoddy characterization; implausible plot points; huge, erect, pre-cum dripping phalluses. I got the message! I need an attitude adjustment.

Blue Beetle has spent the last year working on new technologies to protect Metropolis when he should have been practicing his banter. His witty rejoinders just weren't good enough to balance out whatever tragedy is going to befall them by the end of this issue. After they defeat Metallo, Blue Beetle is already left with a broken arm with the owner of a nearby store taking him to task for destroying his restaurant in the melee. At the point the guy says Blue Beetle isn't a real hero is when, if I were Blue Beetle, I'd decide to fix up Metallo and set him loose on the streets of Metropolis. Fuck that ungrateful asshole. He's lucky he's not currently being used as a flesh socket for a robot dongle.

Later at Justice League International Headquarters, Beetle debriefs his team.

You traitor to the robot race, Tornado.

After the meeting, Fire tells Beetle that she wants to fuck but he's all, "No, I need to tend to my bug." Nobody makes a masturbation joke because they are all apparently from Mars.

That's funny. According to The New 52 Teen Titans, the Martians were all about justice and no mercy. You'd think a race that revered poets would be all up inside mercy.

J'onn has a sense of humor, Ted, it's just too subtle for fucking slap-monkeys like you and Booster. J'onn was also making a joke about joining you and Bea in bed, idiot. Or maybe it was a serious suggestion? If he still has his shapeshifting ability (which he must because look at him being all shapeshifted to look human!), he can fill all of their holes!

If Martian Manhunter ever makes it onto one of the new DC Comics television shows, he needs to be played by Andre Braugher.

Ted and J'onn have a boring conversation about the state of their world and their place in trying to keep it from falling apart. Thankfully they're interrupted by Planet Brainiac's Battle Games announcement.

The team congregates on the roof to listen to Planet Brainiac's message. When it's over and the dome is gone, they all discover that their powers have returned. Red Tornado observes silently and then the sad Charlie Brown music plays and he walks off to go sit back in the storage closet and turn himself off.

Justice League International's opponents arrive in a crack of thunder and flash of lightning. They are Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, and a bunch of other Kingdom Come versions of characters like Obsidian, Jade, Blue Beetle, and others. Suffice to say with just Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, I think they're powerful enough to destroy Justice League International. I know the JLI has Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom on their team, so they've got some pretty major fire power as well. But judging from their history? Half of them will be dead by the end of the next issue which might actually be cancelled halfway through the book.

Convergence: Justice League International #1 Rating: After Ambush Bug and Cheek's appearance at the end of Supergirl: Matrix #1, everything else is just going to be disappointing! Not to mention most of the stuff written by Ron Marz is also going to be disappointing. So this issue was doubly disappointing! I wish it would have concentrated on J'onn's search for just one more fucking Oreo left in the city. Or Blue Beetle talking to a Booster Gold hand puppet that he keeps strapped to the copilot's seat in the Bug. Even if the whimsical Justice League International can be a little much with the constant banter, the endless bickering, and the constant breaking of each other's balls, I still found it preferable to the Justice League International in which half of the members were constantly being hospitalized or killed. Maybe it's just time to forget this team ever existed.

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1

Oh boy! Ron Marz writing! I have not been kind to Ron Marz in the past.

This will be my first Convergence issue that isn't the weekly mini-series so I'll find out how it's going to work here. Besides the whole Multiversal Thunderdome plot, I don't really know how these stories are supposed to work. Is Red Hood from DC Comics in 2007 going to wander over and bump into 1990 Tim Drake Robin while 1987 Batman watches creepily? The only thing I know for sure is that a whole lot of writers whose writing I have described in many horrible ways have come back to be a part of the fun. Marz. Nicieza. Wolfman. Tieri. Lobdell. Maybe this whole Convergence thing isn't just a competition to see which characters get to come back into the DC Universe but also a second chance for crappy writers. I wish Liefeld wasn't so butthurt by DC Comics because I'd love to comment on more of his books. He's terrible! And I'm talking about his writing!

I notice Howard Mackie's name isn't on any of the Convergence titles. I guess DC Comics actually has some standards when it comes to hiring writers.

Now I feel bad for saying that about Howard Mackie. No, wait! Inspecting my feelings a little closer and I feel bad for Howard Mackie because he's such a crappy writer.

The inside cover of the issue has the fight card on it.

The sure bet for overall winner is the Pre-Flashpoint Universe so look for Batman (Bruce Wayne version with underwear) to beat ass on Batman (Thomas Wayne version). Unless this story takes place after Batman read his dad's letter and then maybe look for tears and hugs.

I don't know anything about El Inferno. But I am looking forward to the Extremists murdering every single member of the Amazing Zoo Crew. Of course, they'll just spring back to life due to cartoon physics and then pelt the Extremists with pies and carrots.

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze stomping on Poison Ivy's berries. I guess it's Arkham's annual field trip to the farm since alongside Mr. Freeze are Black Mask, Killer Croc, Man-Bat, and The Penguin. The Penguin wants to control the food production here in Gotham's new home on Telos. But he must have Space Madness because instead of working with a bunch of his usual thugs, Oswald thinks it's a good idea to use the Arkham crew as his gang. If there's one criminal in Gotham I would think was smart enough to avoid working with these guys, it's The Penguin. But what can you do? It's a new world! But then Oswald makes another mistake by having Man-Bat fly Poison Ivy out of her garden. How do you think the food is being produced out here, you idiot? Good luck getting anything to grow without Poison Ivy around. Besides, isn't Planet Brainiac supposed to be providing everybody with everything they need? It seems like a lot of work and hassle to make a bunch of useless money, Penguin.

But then Batman and Robin appear to save Poison Ivy's farm! Hooray!

Batman's flying vehicle was an ugly piece of shit back before Flashpoint!

Wow! I forgot how much better Pre-Flashpoint Batman and Robin were! This is so different! See how Damian Wayne has a big stick and he's mouthing off to his father?! You can just feel the sense of history tied to these characters after being told which version they are! How could DC Comics have thrown this magic away for The New 52!? And by "magic," I mean Batman's outside underwear.

"Or is that a batarang in your pocket?"

Mister Freeze gives up immediately because he's got my attitude if Portland were ever transported to a mystery planet and trapped beneath a dome. Who fucking cares about anything anymore after that? Time to just get drunk and read shit until I died.

Damian's really improved his one-liners while battling villains. When he sees Black Mask, Damian is all, "Why did they invite you?", which is a major burn. Good one! Then he follows that up with "Trick-or-treating?" Ha! See, because Black Mask wears a mask! Okay fine. Those were terrible lines and it proves that Damian is as enthusiastic about this bullshit existence as Mister Freeze is. Maybe Damian will regain his love of battling super villains once he realizes he's battling for his timeline's survival. Or maybe he just can't help sounding like an unimaginative clod because he's being written by Ron Marz.

Red Hood arrives to help subdue Killer Croc while Batman and Robin decide to ignore the fact that he's wearing a Red Hood not just to rub his death in Batman's face every time he sees him but to probably obscure his identity as well. So they're all, "Jason? Jason Todd?" And he's all, "Yup! That's me! The Red Hood!" Meanwhile Mr. Freeze is scribbling furiously into his notebook from behind a bush.

Red Hood leaves as quickly as he dropped by, letting Batman know that he and some woman named Scarlet who flies a helicopter will still be around.

Back at the Batcave, Damian loses his shit because he's a little asshole and he's also not being written by Peter J. Tomasi.

To be fair to Damian, Bruce did shake Jason Todd's hand which is more intimacy and fatherly love than he's ever shown to Damian. Usually when Bruce gets emotional towards Damian, he lets it out by telling Alfred how he could hug Damian right about now.

Alfred drops by and I'd forgotten how tiny he was Pre-Flashpoint!

"Master Bruce, can I touch up your mascara and rouge?"

Fuck me. Batman didn't do anything wrong! Jason Todd kicked Killer Croc off of Batman's shoulder and incapacitated the beast. Then he shook Batman's hand and said he'd be around. And Batman was all, "Hey, Damian, you little shit. Stop worrying about that asshole and ask me if my shoulder wound is okay, you fucking prick!" Oh wait. Yeah, that was probably a bit harsh.

Batman heads into the study to speak with a picture of his father, Thomas Wayne. That's probably why Bruce is such a horrible father. He's taking fatherly advice from an inanimate object. He's all, "I don't know how to be a dad because you were never there for me! I mean, you were totally there for me for a few years so much so that I could never cope with your death when you were killed. But after that, where were you?! Now because of that, I don't know how to raise Damian! Boo hoo!" It's not like Bruce didn't have years to learn how to be a father with Dick and Jason and Tim! That wasn't practice enough? I think the real problem is that Bruce just doesn't like Damian enough to try being a good father to him.

Where the fuck is Captain Carrot already?! I'm starting to think he might not ever appear in this book. Shouldn't the other worlds be intruding on this one? Where are the Extremists? Where's Thomas Wayne to hug Bruce and say, "You will be the best father ever!" And then Bruce will be all, "Thanks dad! That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Meanwhile within hearing range, Alfred starts pulling out his hair and punching holes in all of the Bruce portraits around the house.

"While you were busy speaking to ghosts, your son was busy trying to get your attention. Now he's probably dead in a ditch. Good job, sir."

I hope Damian has run off to join the Amazing Zoo Crew. Or the Extremists! Maybe he'll run into his grandfather who will introduce him to Miraclo or Venom!

Batman chases after Damian and finds him attacking Red Hood. Scarlet stands nearby while Jason Todd yells at her, "Stay out of this, Scarlet! And don't say any lines! And don't be interesting at all!"

Batman arrives to break up the fight and Damian continues to act like an uninteresting little shit and asks which one of them Batman came to save. What an insecure little fuck. Pre-Flashpoint Damian is the worst! Although it could be that Ron Marz's writing is the worst! I really can't figure out which is at fault. According to Tumblr, Preboot characters were all so much better than their Reboot counterparts, right? So it must be Ron Marz's writing that's to blame.

Batman doesn't have a chance to answer that he was obviously going to save Jason Todd because Damian would probably murder him if he gets the chance. He's interrupted by Planet Brainiac saying, "Welcome to Multiversal Thunderdome, bitches!" That's the abridged version which you'll be seeing me type a lot in the next month.

That's when The Extremists (minus Lord Havok. I am disappoint) arrive! More importantly, Scarlet gets to say something super boring!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1 Rating: Awful. What a piece of shit. I now know that I'll have at least one regret on my deathbed. This issue was just a shitty version of The New 52 Batman and Robin except with some different costumes and a woman named Scarlet. Damian and Bruce are having trouble getting along. Damian is jealous and angry at Jason Todd. Jason Todd is all, "What the fuck, kid?" Alfred is keeping a better eye on Damian than Bruce is. The portrait of Thomas Wayne is all, "...". The Extremists appear and are all, "We're probably not all robots!" Okay, that part wasn't just a crappier version of Tomasi's comic book for The New 52. But even when that happened, I was less than impressed by the Extremists' roster.