The Omega Men #12

I haven't been this melancholy about a last issue since...I don't even have an example to give it's been so long.

The Review!
Entertainment in this day and age is bullshit. It doesn't ask anything of its audience. Hell, it doesn't even want its audience asking questions. It just says, "This is the good guy. This is the bad guy. This is the way the world should be, no questions asked." And what boggles my mind is that 21st century people seem to want it that way. They want their no-friction stories of tepid characters who all get along and stick together against the obvious bad people. The tellers of the tale do not want ambiguity. They do not want people making up their own minds. They want to put a finger in the face of the audience and waggle it around a bit. It's all propaganda and we're all blindingly consuming it so that something, anything, can give us a few moments of warm fuzzies in a shitty gray world of gray decisions and moral ambiguities. We ignore the hard conflicts because there are so many easy ones where we can take a side and feel safely righteous in our exuberant patting of our own backs. We express opinions we know have the support of others and secretly, fiercely, guard those opinions that might bring on a mob of holy crusaders. If we take a stand against the easy, popular opinion, we are sure to fall. And we're all too filled with cowardice for that. So instead, we argue about Doctor Who and Sherlock and comic books and Harry Potter. We attack showrunners and writers and artists when their superficial story choices aren't those we would have made. We take our battles to the popular culture because we have no stomach for a real fight. We're all assholes. Every single one of us.

That might not seem like a review of The Omega Men but I assure you it is. It's the highest praise I could give it.

The Commentary!
Today I'm reading the last issues of the best two series of the Prebirth comic books I have left in the stack: The Omega Men and Grayson. I'm still not sure how I'd like this comic book to end. Should it have a happy ending where the terrorists topple the government putting corporate financial matters ahead of the lives of ordinary people? Or should the violent extremists be gunned down by superior forces better at violence than they ever were? Should Kyle Rayner fail to stop tyranny from succeeding because that's a more realistic outcome? My guess is that The Omega Men who are still alive will be driven from the Vega system so that they can have another uncomfortably true story somewhere else in the Rebirth universe later. Oh! I know! Maybe instead of battling the metaphor, they can actually wind up on Earth and go up against the United States itself!

This issue begins with Kyle and the Omega Men closing in on the Viceroy of The Citadel underneath Kyle's memories of first meeting the Viceroy and getting the Viceroy's version of an imperialist's rationalizations. And then...well, I think I'll just finish reading it in silence. You already read my thoughts up there. In fact, right now, as I type this, you know more about my reaction to this comic book than I do. But two pages in and, once again, I just can't make stupid jokes while I read it. I need to immerse myself in this story. I need to be present. It's rare that a writer of comic books cares this much about a story they want to share with others, and I don't want to taint the experience by being distracted.

The Omega Men #11

There are plenty of reasons why this comic book is so much better than most of its competition. Turning the Green Lantern symbol into the Omega symbol is simply not ignoring the balls.

The Review!
Super hero comic books too often wind up not being about anything except super hero comic books. So now we get stories deconstructing the ideals and myths which were commonly excepted tropes for decades. How would people actually react to a world full of super powered people? What if the super heroes weren't infallible and could be corrupted by their own power? What steps would the government take to control the perceived menace? If we're not getting stories about the negative reaction people would have to the super heroes, we constantly get the story where the heroes teach regular people that they're the actual heroes. Everybody is actually Batman! Everyone is actually Superman! We are in control of our own lives and thank you, super heroes, for giving us that message! It's exhausting! Although not in an intellectually exhausting manner! The stories are never subtle about who is in the right and who is totally fucking wrong. Although sometimes I think Superman is being a complete and utter dick but the story is hitting me over the head with some stupid fucking message about how he's doing the right thing even though he obviously isn't. So maybe I'm just tired of writers who can't write complex stories without having to explain them in long-winded narration boxes that often contradict the actions of the character. Maybe I'm just tired of being told, by the writer and the first person narration of the main character, how I'm supposed to feel and the conclusions I'm supposed to draw.

Sometimes I just want to read a book that can't fucking decide if the hero is inspiring or terrible! I want a book that lets me decide who to support! Although, to be fair, putting "The Omega Men" right on the cover kind of makes me think I'm supposed to agree with their view of the universe. And who is actually reading this book and siding with The Citadel anyway (you know, since politicians and CEOs probably aren't reading it)? So maybe this is a bad example of a comic book with an ambiguous message that doesn't offer any easy answers. This book hasn't really tried to be subtle about the black eye it's intending to give America's foreign policy and America's kowtowing to corporate interests. Maybe I should have begun with an off-topic thought like usual.

Is it bad that I drive around in Grand Theft Auto laughing hysterically as I run people over or would it be worse if I were totally stoic and serious about it?!

This month, The Omega Men gather an army and march into the Citadel's headquarters. That's pretty much the summation of the entire issue. Trying to summarize something so well put together and make stupid dick jokes about it would be an insult to the work. The meat of the story is how the characters go about convincing each world to join the war against the Citadel. The actual action, the war, the battles...they're all skimmed past in a few pages detailing half an Earth year's worth of conflict. Some writers would have made a huge mistake and swapped those ratios and concentrated on huge double splash pages of heroic battle and stupid one liners. I don't know if Tom King would have spent longer on the war if given more than twelve issues of The Omega Men. Whatever the case, it's better this way. Sometimes writers are tempted to fill pages with nonsense or simple action because they have no actual deadline for a story. In fact, it's the exact opposite where the writer knows that the comic just keeps going and going, so why not pad the story as much as possible to fill up as many pages as possible to extend one story for as many issues as possible? I really wouldn't mind if all of DC's comics simply became four, six, or twelve issue mini-series! Because then the writer would be forced to pitch an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end with a fucking reason for existing. Until then, we'll just keep getting pitches for stories for things like "Superman battles the most powerful intergalactic monster he's met to date for five issues until he finally wins in the last issue through sheer force of willpower and heart!"

The Omega Men #10

I'm surprised DC has been competent enough to let Trevor Hutchison do every cover of this series. Best set of covers ever. That's probably not hyperbole.

Rating: This is currently my favorite monthly comic book from DC Comics. Yes, it surprised me too. I remember back in the eighties passing this comic book by on the shelves because it looked boring and the characters all had boring names. Broot was brutish. Demonia looked demonic. Doc was a doctor. Unless he wasn't. But I assumed he was! Felicity was a cat. The Green Man was green. Harpis was harpy-like. Kalista was beautiful. Primus was leader. Tigorr was a tiger. You get the idea! And if pink-clad Lobo seemed too "wolf-like", Giffen made sure to remind everybody that his name meant "He who devours ones entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." I think. That definition is off the top of my head. The characters have the same names in this series but that's to be expected! It wouldn't be The Omega Men without the same characters! This is a Reboot, not a Totally-Forget-Everything-You've-Ever-Known-Boot!

I'm probably not going to comment much on this book because I simply want to read it and take it in and enjoy it. I don't remember being so eager for a story to finish since the SAS story arc in Hitman. And yes, yes, I know. A bunch of you pussies are thinking right now, "But if you like it so much, why would you want it to end?!" Go fuck yourselves.

After the revelation that the Citadel murdered everybody on Voorl for profit, the rest of the Vega System has erupted into chaos and rebellion. Especially Karna because it seems The Citadel has its sights on making Karna their next Stellarium Mine. Which means putting an awful lot of kitty cats in a sack and finding a nice big lake to toss them into. The worlds of the Vega System are on their own because the planets that need Stellarium to prevent going all Krypton don't really give a shit about the Citadel's methods. Unless, of course, The Citadel can't produce any Stellarium. And then they'll remind a galactic court how The Citadel committed genocide.

Karna manages to fight off the Citadel but it's only the beginning of the rebellion. The Viceroy's life is at stake. If he can't manage to turn one planet into a Stellarium Mine, he'll be tried for genocide and executed. It was the Omega Men who won up until this point because they were desperate and had nothing to lose. Now it's the Viceroy's turn.

The Omega Men #9

DC actually did something really smart by not ruining the travel poster cover with a fucking advert for Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us.

Rating: +1 Ranking. Can this be a movie? But not a movie ruined by Hack Snyder? A movie directed by somebody who is good at directing movies. Like, um, I don't know any good directors. What about Lexi Alexander? I bet she'd kill this shit.

If all comic books told a story as well put together as this, people would lose their shit because they would be spending way too much money on comic books every month.

The Omega Men #8

If it's forbidden, don't make a travel poster about it! Jerko!

Rating: +1 Ranking. People want you to believe that mainstream comic books eschew important messages in favor of popularity and profit. If you want your comic book to say something important about the world and the people in it, you should be reading indie comic books or--I can't believe I'm saying this after having lived through the 90s--Image books. That's probably true. It's almost definitely true. But because of it, some people will miss the best series to come out of Marvel and DC since the British Invasion. Maybe that's hyperbole. It's not like I've read every comic book between then and now. But if that kind of hyperbole can get people to go out and get this fucking book and read this fucking book and cry over this fucking book with me then the hyperbole has done its job. Get thee to a comic book store and pick up Tom King's The Omega Men. It's so fucking good. And it's important. Seriously important.

The Omega Men #7

Still the best overall run of covers.

Rating: +1 Ranking. So good. So fucking good. Good good good good good. So so so so fucking good. So fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking good.

The Omega Men #6

If you're not reading this comic book, you're missing out on the best DC Comics of the year.

If I owned a comic book shop, I would have the first six issues of Omega Men displayed proudly behind the counter because the covers are fantastic. Then I would point out how everybody should probably be buying The Omega Men from my store. Then I would make fun of all of the other comic books they've purchased. Then they would never shop at my store again. Then I would go bankrupt. Then I would write a note saying, "I regret nothing except the fact that I was too stupid to regret anything and make some serious changes in my life!" Then I would hang myself from the rafters. Then I would be found months later because nobody shopped at my comic book shop anymore because I committed the cardinal sin of critiquing their purchases.

I'm not a great businessman.

Apparently Primus, Tigorr, and Kalista were not killed at the end of the last issue when they were ambushed inside the Church of Changralyn. They've been captured instead which seems like something terrorists don't want to happen. I guess their living suicide bomb Kyle didn't manage to go off when the first responders arrived. It's also possible they have a different plan for Kyle but it doesn't involve drawing comic books so they needed to get into a position to retrieve his ring.

Or the entire movement could just be a viral campaign to sell more breakfast cereal.

Kyle Rayner is currently getting the bomb removed from his throat while the rest of the Omega Men (minus Scrapps and the Doc who escaped, and Broot who died and went to hell (maybe?)) are being questioned as to why they needed him for their terrorist activities. That's probably a mistake. It's possible The Citadel didn't get the memo that this comic book has been allowed to run twelve issues which means letting The Omega Men live for any reason is a bad idea. Although people in power are generally filled with the kind of hubris that makes them think things like, "This comic book is going to last another six issues. So I guess I have six issues to torture the Omega Men before I kill them since they certainly will not escape our clutches at all!" Another likely scenario is that none of the characters actually know they're in a comic book at all.

Scrapps and Doc are headed for the one planet in the Vega System not under the thumb of The Citadel. The planet Hyn'xx has managed to escape well-meaning government occupation which would bring sorely needed supplies, technology, protection, civilization, and a general sense of safety and well-being by erecting a shield around their planet to keep everybody away. No wait. That's the planet Voorl! The planet Hyn'xx is the one where everybody was allowed to do whatever they wanted to do because they knew about bread and buttering the right side and maybe also sucking government cock and showering it with loads of the local currency and precious metals. But the planet isn't what Scrapps and Doc are interested in. They're just following a radio signal being emitted by the locator that was placed in Kyle Rayner's neck. And that signal leads them right to the satellite headquarters of the leader of The Citadel. I forget what he's called. Probably Imperator or Emperor or Perfectly Legitimate Democratically Elected Leader.

I bet Gandhi would have secretly loved this book.

Scrapps invades the space station as Kalista remembers the time she recruited Scrapps, Primus and Tigorr remember when they were recruited by Kalista, and Kyle Rayner prays. It seems as if Kalista's plan for the total destruction of The Citadel began to seriously manifest after she met Scrapps. And it seems Scrapps told her what really happened to Voorl. It's beginning to sound a lot like planetary genocide and less like total resistance. And possibly only Scrapps escaped. Can she be the new Lobo?

Scrapps rescues the Omega Men while murdering a lot of good government soldiers. They need the key and Kyle Rayner to enact their plan (and probably Rayner's White Lantern ring) but Kyle has escaped thanks to the power of prayer. Or maybe the power of struggling with his bonds and breaking free due to increased adrenaline and overloading systems? Whatever. I'm sure either way it was a miracle and the will of God.

I'm actually glad Kalista makes a point of acknowledging that this is all just their plan gone completely fubar as they try to salvage it the best they can. It's kind of refreshing to have a leader without a plan that only an omniscient being could have really pulled off. Tom King understands the crutches of comic book writing tropes and refuses to be a part of the system. He's like...well, I can't think of something to compare him to but I'm sure it's staring me right in the face.

As the space station falls out of orbit, The Omega Men search for Rayner while Rayner, presumably, searches for his ring. He knows it's on the finger of Lord High Dildo. The ring is probably the only thing that will save the terrorists at this point. Do I want the terrorists to survive? I'm not sure I've seen enough violence and destruction to be convinced that their world is better than a world where I'm constantly told that I'm safe as long as I continue to not complain about how shitty the people in authority treat everybody else. Best to just stick my nose in books and video games and pretend the rest of the universe doesn't exist and cannot intrude to damage my perception that everything is perfectly fine.

The space station crashes into the planet's surface. It was a partially controlled descent which is the excuse I'm making up to believe that everybody survived. It might not look like they all survived but Kalista is speaking when Kyle Rayner finds her to explain that it's their chance to get away while the terrorists are unconscious and probably not dead at all because The Omega Men don't have that many members to burn through in the first half of the story. Kyle apparently still buys the whole Kalista is a hostage nonsense. So the bomb comes to Kalista and now she can finish her plan if she doesn't die from internal bleeding first.

The Omega Men #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I've been reading all of DC's comics for the past four years now and I've come to this conclusion: comic books should stop with the open-ended series business. Giving a writer a job where all they really need is a title or premise or character as the premise for their ongoing book just encourages them to vomit up any old bullshit story they can think of to make their deadlines. Sprinkle in some nonsense hooks that may or may not play out during each story to make the reader believe more is going on than just an overpowered fist fight and a writer thinks they're doing a great fucking job. I'm more than a little bit sick of reading what amounts to writing an essay the night before it's due. I suppose I can choose to read more actual books, or more independent comic books, or just watch movies! But I like mainstream superhero comic books. Unless I just like writing shit about them? No, I think I really like them for some reason I can't quite make up. I just want more mainstream superhero comic books like The Omega Men. I want stories which have been plotted out and which take place in fleshed out worlds with motivated characters. I want less books like Cullen Bunn's Aquaman and more books like Tom King's anything he writes. Or more books like the original twenty issues of Elfquest! Maybe the real problem is that I'm not fangendering correctly. I'm supposed to not give a shit about the story and just love characters so much that I buy whatever they appear in and then bitch and moan constantly when a writer isn't writing them to my perceived notion of the correct way to write the character. I think, maybe, I want too much from the medium. Maybe I should just reread everything by Chris Ware.

The Omega Men #5

In DC Comics' 1985 version of Who's Who, all of the Omega Men are listed as having the occupation of "freedom fighter." That's just a liberal, candy-ass way of saying terrorist! How dare 1985 DC explicitly tell me which side of the conflict I should be on by labeling them as freedom fighters. They're terrorists now and they were terrorists back then and I'm going to believe The Citadel is trying their best to keep the citizens of all the worlds under their protection safe! From what I've read, I can't see any reason to side with a bunch of violent maniacs and flagrant rules violators like The Omega Men! I suppose I could take Starfire's account of The Citadel into my decision of which side to root for but how reliable can her opinion be when she was completely hopped up on drugs?! I hope this is the issue where those Omega Men get what's coming to them! And by that I mean bullets! Lots and lots of bullets!

The Omega Men are currently on Changralyn, Broot's home planet, to return Kalista to her father in exchange for a cube of chocolate. Unless it's a valuable artifact or a key or a puzzle cube. The people on Broot's home planet hate him as much as the Jewish people hated Jesus. That'll happen when you're brutally honest with people's beliefs. They get all bent out of shape and call you arrogant and get pissed at you for climbing up in the pulpit and interrupting the priest's sermon by pointing out how God doesn't actually exist and they throw you out of church and call the police to arrest you for trespassing. Totally unfair.

The cube of chocolate holds within it the Key of Alpha. It's the key to salvation! It's a magic key that allows the bearer a free pass into heaven no matter how many sins they've committed. It's also, apparently, a sham. Hidden inside an unbreakable piece of chocolate, it gives believers something to believe in. It allows them to masturbate frequently while still believing that someday before they die, they'll break that piece of chocolate, take the key, and walk right into heaven with their dicks in their hands! When Omega sees that key, all he'll be able to do is roll his eyes because he'll also see the Key of Alpha dangling from a Prince Albert. Boom! In your face, eternal justice!

Oh, sorry! The chocolate was just payment to attempt the breaking of the stone! The Omega Men couldn't afford the price so they kidnapped Kalista to get her dad to pay it. I totally knew what was going on the whole time like a reasonably intelligent person!

Broot beats at the rock for hours when Doc, in orbit around the planet Changralyn, reports that The Citadel Army has not arrived at the planet. No, they were already on the planet waiting to ambush the Omega Men. That probably means if any dung is left after throwing it at Broot on his way in, it's going to hit the fan. Doc's advice is that they hurry up and finish the ceremony so that everybody can leave while still breathing. The only problem is Broot is having a tough time breaking the unbreakable rock with his bare fists. Wussy.

Broot finally falls to his hands and knees, defeated. But his dad, the Pontifex of Changralyn, decides he proved himself enough to get his old name back and to be forgiven and to be welcomed back home. It sounds like that was part of the deal to trap the Omega Men in the temple. Sort of how Lando Calrissian sold Han Solo to the Empire in exchange for keeping his city. It seems to me that deal didn't work out so well for Lando. I bet the Pontifex winds up fucked too!

Time for the bomb to do its duty!

The Pontifex explains to Broot how the rock is a total trick to keep himself in money, power, and super hot rock pussy. Unless he's into little gravel peens? Whatever. He tells Broot the church is corrupt. But I bet Broot still believes! And he's going to break that fucking rock the church was built on and tear it all fucking down around them!

Which, you know, he totally does. He gives the rock one last smash and discovers the key. It's a little squashed version of the Jesus fish. Or the letter "R". Or an Egyptian eyeball. Whatever it is exactly, The Pontifex wants it! It proves everything! Or something. I don't know. I doubt it's worth much to the Pontifex when all the other people in the temple saw Broot uncover it. Although with all of his newly bribed treasure, he can have them all killed!

Broot tosses the Key of Alpha and Tigorr tosses Scrapps so that she can catch it and break through a window and escape the temple. The rest of the Omega Men are all about to die and Scrapps herself might not survive the fall. It looks like the omega for the freedom fighters! I mean terrorists!

Fuck yeah.

The Omega Men #5 Rating: No change. Spirituality is a single person's experience of the divine. Religion is other people's faith in that one person's experience. I suppose in this case, the initial experience that was the catalyst for the Church of the Omega was based in some kind of fact because Broot just proved at least one piece of the church's religious dogma true by finding the Key of Alpha. Finding the key could break the church since the Pontifex was not a believer and now he must question his place in things now that the religion he used for his own benefit was proven to be true. Even if Broot had not found the Key, it would have meant the destruction of the church. What I've learned is that if you're going to base a major part of your religion on an unbreakable rock, make sure that fucking thing is really unbreakable! And for all those people taking their religion second hand? You're being fucking used. Make up your own mind on the interpretation of your religious texts. Read The Bible yourself. Or the Quran. But not the Book of Mormon. Jesus Christ, please don't read that one.

The Omega Men #4

Imagine that. A fantastic comic book with gorgeous covers to match.

This comic book isn't real, right? I'm completely dreaming it, aren't I? Who designs these beautiful travel poster covers?! Trevor Hutchison? Mister Twitter, please tell him how much he rocks. Thank you.

This issue has a guest artist so I might be slightly disappointed. But I have to imagine that this comic book will disappoint me more than most of the others at some point simply because I look forward to it so much. I hope those horrible Omega Men get what they deserve this issue. Terrorist jerkos! Don't they know they're upsetting the status quo by rocking the boat like they do?

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner and Princess Kalista discussing how they can't sleep. Kyle can't sleep because he's a captive and Kalista can't sleep because she's a lying whore! You aren't a captive, Kalista! You're the leader of the Omega Men! Stop toying with Kyle Rayner's feelings! Don't you know he's a sensitive artist! I mean, he's a comic book artist anyway. How sensitive can they actually be? They draw kiddie cartoons!

It's nice to see Rayner actually acknowledge his life before Lanterning, even if he's doing it with pointy little duck lips.

Kyle Rayner tells Princess Kalista his origin story although he leaves out the part about how he had his dick in his hands when Ganthet found him. But he does admit that he wasn't anything special and only received the ring because Ganthet was drunk and horny.

Kyle also mentions he had a girlfriend but he leaves out the refrigerator. That's probably a smart move because Kalista might not know what a refrigerator is and then he'd have to describe how hard it is to fit a body in one full of racks and vegetables and expired milk. Just saying she's dead is the right choice.

Kalista begins to yawn so Kyle quickly gets to the point of this story about how he ended up in the clutches of the notoriously vile Omega Men.

Eww! They're such manipulative bastards!

Kyle is having trouble learning that you can't save everyone even though it's practically the first lesson every super hero learns. It's probably because his loved one was killed in such a horrifically comical way. You don't get over finding your dead girlfriend stuffed in among the yogurt and pickles. Especially when it was your actions that ultimately put her there. I mean, Kyle bought that jar of pickles and the Vanilla Bean Yogurt. What if he'd bought larger items? What if he'd placed some watermelons in that fridge. Then maybe Alex would still be alive, you know?

Primus and Tigorr (Primus is the public leader of the Omega Men and Tigorr is the one that eats breakfast cereal and goes into battle yelling, "GRRRRRRRRRREAT!") watch Kalista bond with Kyle via hidden camera. Kyle is the most important part of their plan to defeat The Citadel. They call him the bomb but I don't think it's because he's super sexy. I think it's because he's going to have to explode in the heart of The Citadel's capital once he gets his ring back. Hopefully before then, Kalista can convince him that to save most everybody, you have to kill a few other everybodies.

Next Kalista tells her history. She explains how she kills people every morning to become a better swordfighter, how her people believe that Alpha was the first king of their royal lineage and not a god, and how The Citadel eventually punished them for that belief. She doesn't tell him about how swollen her lady parts get around Primus or about how quickly she can bring him to orgasm. I only mention that because that's what I want to hear about.

Kalista also explains the difference between the six planets in the Vega system. I think there are actually twenty-two, at least according to the old DC Universe. But maybe only six of them matter. If Kalista doesn't mention Tamaran, I'll know she's leaving a bunch out for some reason. Probably political reasons. I bet X'hal kicked The Citadel's ass out of the region of planets around Tamaran.

Euphorix was the planet where Kalista and her people were placed. It was already inhabited but when has that ever stopped any sentient being ever? Might makes property ownership!

The conquerors of Ogyptu turned their natives into slaves but Kalista's dad was all, "Too hot!" Changalyn was a planet full of religious nuts bribed by The Citadel to keep peace and Kalista's dad was all, "Too cold!" The planet Karna is a constant battlefield between the feline natives and The Citadel because cats can't be kept in check, dammit! Kalista's dad was all, "Too some other temperature that isn't right!" Hyn'xx just let the natives free to do what they want to do which seemed to be buying, selling, and orgying. Kalista's father was all, "Too different from the way I run things on Euphorix so it must be wrong!" The final planet was Voorl. The natives put up a shield when The Citadel came and nobody has been able to enter or leave since then. Kalista's father was all, "Too impenetrable!" So they went back to Euphorix where Kalista's father said, "Now get back to killing the natives, sweetie." And so she did. And her father walked away without saying, "Just right!", and left everybody without a feeling of catharsis because the tale wasn't wrapped up symmetrically.

Kalista points out how the Omega Men suck but The Citadel sucks more and Kyle Rayner thinks, "She's vulnerable! Time to take advantage of her!" Little does he know she's just made him the vulnerable one! Ha ha! Take that, male dominated modes of thought!

I hope Earthlings aren't allergic to Primus's semen or Kyle's penis is going to fall off after he has sex with Kalista.

Kalista finishes her story by sticking her tongue in Kyle's mouth. Also, she asks him to save her. Because if he needs to save someone and he failed to save Alex then maybe he should just save her instead. Plus while he's saving her, maybe he can possibly find the time to save everybody else in the Vega system too? Oh, and don't forget about the tongue!

The Omega Men #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Can't DC Comics force their bad comic book writing employees to read this book to discover how really well constructed stories are told? I think DC Comics should have a meeting where they put all of the bad writers who I won't mention by name here into a room with a stack of Tom King comic books and say, "Do this! Do this kind of stuff right here." Then they'll have to add, "Not this exactly, Scott! Stop copying it!" And somebody will have to say, "Cullen, you and Frank are not leaving this room until you've finished the entire stack!" And maybe DC Comics will also have to say something like, "Tony, stop sketching Wonder Woman's boobs on the covers of all of the comics! Read them!" And then David will say, "Hey, Tony! Stop drawing my woman!" And then they'll get into a fist fight on the big double splash page of the comic book depicting the class. And then Tom King will be surprised to find a big bonus check on his desk and a huge contract to make an Omega Man movie and a Grayson television show. And then he'll turn to the camera and say, "You rock, Tess!", and he'll wink! Then I'll swoon and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table and die. The end!

The Omega Men #3

Save the princess. Save the...why the fuck is Heroes coming back? That show had enough chances that they blew spectacularly.

Last night, I saw an article entitled "Black and Unarmed" on the front page of The Columbian, a Vancouver, Washington, newspaper. The article was by three writers from the Washington Post which means it was perfect for a Washington paper, I guess. I mention that the article wasn't original to The Columbian only because it makes it unclear which ass-sprites were responsible for the subheading between the article's name and the body of the article. The sub-header went like this: "Since Michael Brown died a year ago, police killings of unarmed people have hit black men disproportionately." And people wonder why print media gets no respect anymore. That statement is, at best, poorly constructed, and at worst, racist and ridiculous. First off, Michael Brown did not simply die. Don't fucking construct a passive sentence out of somebody who was murdered. At the very least, if The Columbian (or the Post! Who the fuck knows when one paper relies on articles by other papers to fill space!?) thought the word "murdered" was too controversial for their audience, they should have said he was killed. And the rest of the statement is just preposterous. "Police killings of unarmed people" should not be a casual statement followed by who the killings are "hitting" disproportionately. How about making that proportion zero to zero? Also, stating it as if police have only begun killing more unarmed black men since Michael Brown's departure from the mortal coil suggests that it was Michael Brown's decicion to stop living that has caused the uptick in black men's deaths at the hands of police officers. I'm pretty sure that before Michael Brown's cute naptime shenanigans, police killings of unarmed people was a perfectly proportionate pie chart of black men, white women, Hispanic babies, and Japanese diplomats. A year and a day ago, the header probably would have read "Police killings of unarmed people have hit white men disproportionately," and I mean the good kind of disproportionately in that case!

The media is full of assholes and idiots and failed writers who somehow still consider themselves writers when they're really just glory-holes for their corporate erections.

Enough of Earth propaganda, let's see some of the Citadel's now! I'm more willing to believe The Citadel's propaganda though because those Omega Men are horrible terrorist monsters. Just like the propaganda says!

The issue begins by making sure the reader knows the Princess of Euphorix is a mean jerk with delusions of kindness.

Speaking of mean jerks with delusions of kindness, why did The Beast's curse end when somebody else could learn to love his hideousness? Belle did all the work! I guess somebody loving you is proof that you're, ultimately, not a monster and must have exhibited enough decently shallow traits to fool the other person into sucking your monstrous cock. Not that Belle did that! She's a Disney princess! They only do weird things like shack up with Dwarves and use mice as Ben Wa balls in an innocent and non-sexual fashion.

The Princess is on the planet of Euphorix because The Omega Men had to leave Ogyptu in a hurry. I think leaving Ogyptu is supposed to make them like Moses or something. Now they're going to wander the Vega System for forty years before finally returning to their homeland which will be The Citadel's headquarters. I can't wait for Issue #480 to read about it!

Come to think of it, The Omega Men could use another woman on the team. And I'm disliking this Princess as much as those other terrorist scumbags, so she should fit right in! Plus her name seems to be "Princess" and she's a princess! She's perfect for the team.

The Princess has no love for The Citadel. They transported her and her people to the Vega System and stuck them on Euphorix where her father became king. The earlier scenes showing her trying to be kind in the only way she knows how and trying to erode her vanity even in the face of sycophantic servants suggests that she isn't in any way at fault for being part of these colonial oppressors of Euphorix. She began training in swordplay when she was six which means she's been inculcated to believe a bunch of crappy things. I bet The Omega Men will help her to become a better person and a great big fat terrorist to boot!

Breakfast!

Tigorr has come to save the Princess. This must be the eighth castle he's stormed! Unless he cheated and used a warp. I used to be able to beat the arcade Super Mario Bros. on one quarter without using warps. I spent a lot of my teenage years in a 7-11! My first year of college, I mastered the Willow game and could play it to the end on one quarter as well. My social life rocked and rolled.

The Princess and Tigorr battle across two pages and then the Princess tells a joke and I fall in love with her. Unless I fell in love with Tigorr. Maybe I'm just into them both and only when they're together and bleeding? Lust is weird.

The Princess stabs Tigorr through the neck and he collapses. Doctor Robot is going to have more neck surgery in his future! Well, well, well, Tigorr will be feeling fine. But first The Omega Men need to rescue him from The Princess. The next challenger is Snark. Was that her name? Snark? Or was it Scrappy Doo? I can't remember.

To get to the battlefield, Broot and Scrapps invent this move where the big one throws the smaller one! They should come up with a name for that move! Like the Catapult Special or something.

Scrapps shoots down Princess Kalista (we should just call her "Princess" since what does a "Kalista" do? That name doesn't fit the mold of The Omega Men!) while Princess throws her sword and takes out Scrapps. I hope Doctor Robot has prepared enough LSD for this many patients. The Princess's guards rush in but so do Broot and Primus, so everything works out in the end for somebody. The good guys, I think? Or are they terrorists?! I'm just so torn! I don't know who I'm supposed to root for! Although I guess I should root for whoever's side the Princess joins because she swoons my nether regions.

I have an idea for a new Birds of Prey comic book! Scrapps, Maps, Vampire Tig, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! Is that how you pitch a comic book to DC? You just list characters you want to use? Sometimes it seems that way, amirite?

Doctor Robot fixes everyone up so nobody will have to go without cereal tomorrow morning. The Princess is thrown in the brig with Kyle. That's where members of the Omega Men who don't realize they want to be members yet have to sleep. Princess and Kyle have a conversation. It's a really cute conversation. It's one that I'd usually scan and then ruin with a stupid comment. Instead I'm just going to say that the conversation is worth the price of the comic book. And even if it wasn't, you still get all the other great stuff that makes this comic book worth more than the price of the comic book.

After the Princess and Kyle begin to become friends, Primus calls for The Princess so they can have sexual relations. Don't worry, the sexual relations are her idea.

This scene needs less Primus and more Scrapps.

I need to use the term "vulgar" more often! This is why people don't recognize the heroic work I'm doing here! They don't notice the sublime beauty of my thoughts or the terrible justice of my words or the generosity of...well, maybe I'm not that generous in any kind of way at all. But it's because I'm so horribly vulgar! I'm written off as an uncouth, unsubtle, probably misogynist and very possibly racist scumbag! But it's just because everything about my writing is a vulgar fog hiding from most readers the shining light on the hill which my intellect truly is! The poor saps!

The Omega Men #3 Raring: +1 Ranking. Tom King is appropriately named because he is the current Uncle Tom of comics. I mean King! He's the King of Comics! Stupid fingers! Stop listening to the part of my brain that loves whim!

The Omega Men #2

Hasn't anybody told The Citadel what happens when you assure? You make an ass out of you and re.

How come I never learned in school how quickly a healthy metabolism is supposed to turn a meal into a bowel movement?! I had a 7-11 Red Hot Burrito on Friday morning and it exploded out of me on Sunday afternoon. That seems like a long time! And I know that burrito was the culprit because that particular burrito does that to me over 75% of the time! I know, I know! I'm not learning not to eat it! But it's also the only thing I eat that destroys my system. Usually my bowel movements are quick and healthy for some reason! I think it's because I rarely eat meat. Which is probably why that beef burrito with extra spicy chemical poop-loosener beats me every time! I bet the self-loathing generated from eating a meal out of a 7-11 doesn't help.

Oh! I think I know the answer to the question that began the last paragraph! I never learned that fact because I was a stupid literature major! I wish George Eliot just once had a character that specialized in bowel movements! Then I might know what I want to know! Stupid George Eliot!

Last issue, The Omega Men ran away from a fight like a bunch of cowards. Sure, they would have been slaughtered if they'd stayed to fight and some people might think of their decision as wise. But I still would have thought highly of their bravery had they killed themselves in a hopeless battle against an endless host of foes with superior firepower. Now I have to read a comic book about a bunch of scaredy cats (that was a jab at Tigorr! For those not familiar with The Omega Men, Tigorr is a ferocious tiger who may or may not be moonlighting as a spokestiger).

The issue begins with the Viceroy of the Citadel visiting the Governor of Ogyptu, the planet of pleasure and meditation and raking rocks and happy endings. They have a contract between them that sounds like it was written up by the Mafia or an American cell phone company. In exchange for The Citadel's protection, the Pleasure Planet had to agree to certain conditions. One of those conditions was that if a member of the Citadel is killed on the planet, one hundred residents of the planet must be executed in penance. And since thirty-nine Citadel soldiers died in the raid trying to capture The Omega Men last month, 3900 citizens of Ogyptu need to be killed. Yeesh. The planet didn't really look big enough or crowded enough to handle that kind of loss of life! But I suppose as the protectors of the local galaxy, the Americans' Citadel's demands must be met!

Meanwhile the cowardly Omega Men are busy placing a bomb in Kyle Rayner's neck. That'll teach Kyle Rayner! I don't know what it will teach him but I'm sure he'll learn a lesson from it somehow. Like maybe don't start dating the exes of your friends immediately after they break up. Or how about don't go out and find more Guardians after Sinestro took care of your Guardian problem. Or maybe don't be the best Green Lantern ever when there is absolutely no reason you should be better at Lanterning than Guy Gardner who is the best at everything including being an attractive woman.

The negotiation between the Viceroy and the Governor take place in Narration Boxes laid over Kyle Rayner's implantation surgery. It's some of the best stuff I've ever read that I didn't write myself. It has all the hallmarks of great dialogue. Quotation marks. Occasional changes in speaker. Other things that are important to good dialogue. It's so good! You should probably go out and buy this comic book just for the first three pages alone! And then, since you already bought it, go ahead and read the rest. Aside from every character being named after what they do, it'll probably be pretty good.

As Kyle recovers from surgery, he wakes up speaking Spanish. I'm not surprised I didn't know Kyle was Spanish because the only thing I ever knew about Kyle was that he was a comic book artist and that he kept his yogurt next to his girlfriend. But it turns out he's 50% Spanish just like me! Oh my God! I finally have representation in a comic book! Plus I get a chance to translate his Spanish with my half-ability to translate Spanish!

Panel One: "Angel of God. What am I? Your janitor? How about you take these divine goodies of mine and eat them, ha? May the Illuminati's dirigibles protect me!" Panel Two: No Spanish here. Just the governor asking 4000 citizens to surrender themselves to death. Unless, you know, they'd rather join The Omega Men! Panel Three: "In the numbers of the San Diego Padres, the son, and the ghost of Santa Claus. Ramen."

I bet some of the citizens being gathered for execution are named things like Fasty and Piloto and Good Conversationalist. They're the ones that would be good on The Omega Men! And now's the time to join a terrorist group of freedom fighters to overthrow the imperialist colonial dogs! I don't think this comic book has any secret messages about certain countries trying to impose their ideals and their will on certain other countries at the expense of the people within those countries that are already hated by the people in power. It's just a comic book! And we all know comic books are stupid bullpoo meant for kids! Look at the colors!

Primus (the leader of the Omega Men! Nobody else could be chosen when one of the team's name was Primus! It would be ridiculous if he were second in command!) tells Kyle that he must work with the Omega Men now or they'll incessantly call the iWatch they've placed inside of his neck and he'll forever hear that awful Apple ringtone! And everybody around him will constantly be checking their iPhones and iWatches because they're all trained like Pavlov's guinea pigs (which were dogs). Primus needs Kyle's help to rescue the 4000 people about to be slaughtered by the Viceroy and his toadie, the Governor. I'm glad I don't have to try to remember their names! It's easier to just remember their titles. I bet nobody every forgot Father of the Preamble Gouverneur Morris's name! Although nobody could ever spell it correctly.

The Viceroy's ship (shaped like an Omega because, I guess, the Romans were actually from the Vegan system) is piloted by a Changralyn (get it? Like Shangri-La! Whatever that is! I think it's like Neotopia or something) who needs to attend prayers while on the planet. But guess who else is a Changralyn? You'll never guess! It's Brute! I mean Broot!

I don't need your stinking forgiveness if it means I wind up murdered! Which it does! Jerk!

Kyle wants to save the people about to be executed but he had to leave his ring with the Citadel to enter the Vegan System. Primus is trying to teach Kyle the difference between terrorism and rebellion but he's a tough nut to crack having grown up in America where rebellion is only good if you're of America or her interests. Anything else is just monsters killing for no reason whatsoever! And now Primus has to convince Kyle that The Omega Men are on the right side. They're fighting for the rights of the Ogyptuans. They're fighting for freedom. At least that's what he says! He could be a terrorist in which case he's lying!

Broot and Tigorr take the robe of the Viceroy's pilot and try to sneak aboard the Viceroy's ship. Things fall apart but I don't know why because everybody is speaking in a font of gibberish.

They must be discussing nutritious breakfasts.

Scraps is hiding inside the body of Doctor Robot (no one can succeed like Doctor Robot!). She kills some guards while being cute and funny in that way that cute and funny works when people are being murdered. It's a difficult thing to pull off but I hear Napoleon was pretty good at it too. After the fighting, killing, and snappy rejoinders are done, The Omega Men steal the Omega Ship because it's fitting, right?! How could they not own it?!

After stealing the ship and picking up Kyle, The Omega Men do what they do best: flee like cowards! Kyle is all, "Dammit! I can't even check my texts on this watch!" And Primus is all, "We would have died if we had tried to save the 4000 already doomed by The Cita...what? Oh, you don't care about that, hunh?" And Kyle is all, "Hey Doctor Robot? Are you an Omega Man?" And Doctor Robot is all, "Shh. Shh. Of course I am. Stop being so stubborn and accept that you're one of us too." And Kyle is all, "I'll show you! I'll turn my Omega symbol into a Green Lantern symbol! Ha ha! You'll never own me! iWatch or no iWatch!"

The issue ends with a quote by William James about why people pray and I'd say it's pretty apt. It is this: "Many reasons are given why we should not pray. Others give reasons why we should pray. Very little is said of the reason we do pray. The reason is simple: We pray because we cannot help praying." I mean, sure, we can't help praying because we've been acculturated in a world that makes even atheists scream "Jesus Christ no!" just before they're hit by a bus.

The Omega Men #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you are not reading this comic book then you are not reading this comic book. I don't envy that position because it is a very good comic book indeed.

The Omega Men #1

This comic book looks interesting, so it's already better than a large percentage of comic books on the shelf. Although it doesn't look quite as interesting as the Alice In Wonderland comic book with the upskirt shots of the huge breasted Alice.

The Divergence Eight Page Sneak Peek of this comic book seems like it was pretty important to the overall comic book. But I'm going to ignore it for now and just dive in like everybody who bought this comic book because the cover was so cool but hadn't read the terrific eight page Sneak Peek in the pages of Convergence: Batman and Robin #2.

I never read The Omega Men back in the eighties when nobody I knew was reading The Omega Men. I had an aversion to comic books that didn't have any characters that I already recognized from somewhere else. It didn't take long before I stopped feeling that way but back when I first began reading comic books, strange characters on the cover and the issue number being too high were dealbreakers. Now I'm older and my passions and opinions have been worn away by time, experience, heartbreak, and too many Oreo cookies. I'll pick up and read anything as long as it gives me a few moments free from excruciating and unbearable contemplations of my own mortality.

The first thing I notice is that Tom King and Barnaby Bagenda continue the same cinematic style they used in the Sneak Peek (I know! I know! I'm not ignoring it at all!). The sense of movement and time across panels could teach Tony S. Daniel a thing or two or five billion about pacing. The general layout of each page is the old Giffen Brady Bunch layout of nine panels which makes for a lot of room to establish a sense of time and rhythm to the story. I'm sure most artists prefer less panels so they can just get to drawing big, sweeping movements. I can see how this style, and slow pacing across many panels, might bore an artist since they have to draw many similar panels across every page. I rarely mention the art in these commentaries but I just want to acknowledge Bagenda's time and effort here. It's very much appreciated. I'm only three pages in (plus the Sneak Peek!) and it's one of the most cinematic experiences of any comic since The New 52 began. I wish more comic books took advantage of the many paneled page instead of just throwing three page width panels full of disparate actions which the reader has to stitch together in their mind (if they're even able! Remember the initial issues of The New 52 Hawkman?! Those fight scenes were impossible to understand).

The comic begins with The Citadel searching for The Omega Men. They're the bad guy dissident rebel scum! I think I'm supposed to support them but that feels icky and gross because they're vile insurgent terrorists trying to destabilize the status quo! I'm choosing to root for The Citadel because I'm a patriot and a supporter of inculcated regimes that base their system of governance on outdated modes of thought, a pretend concern for the masses, and policy that allows them line their pockets with scads of cash!

The Citadel's troops have landed on Ogyptu, the world of pleasure and contemplation, and have raided a building of worship. They seem to have a lead on The Omega Men's secret headquarters where they filmed the execution of Kyle Rayner (in the Sneak Peek!). The search leads them to a trap door hidden under a carpet in the back room. Now The Omega Men will pay for their crimes! Ha ha!

I've changed my mind! The Omega Men are cooler than the pink faced guy! Go murdering terrorist rebel scum! Defeat America! I mean The Citadel!

Tigorr crawls out of the hole in the floor all bloody and badass which is when the person in the robes pulls some staple guns and blows a hole in the head of Mr. Pink. I flipped back to the first page at this moment and realized what was going on in the first set of panels. Mr. Pink is going through a bunch of flash cards practicing his English (or Interlac or Intergalactic Cosmic Standard or whatever) so he can say things like "Where are the Omega Men?" and "We are friends" and "We will not hurt you." You know, things he wouldn't normally know how to say because he's part of the police force for The Citadel.

In the ensuing, inevitable slaughter, Nick Lachey tells me all about the difference between the two Twix bars. I mean, the reader is introduced to The Omega Men. There is Primus who is probably the leader because he has a beard. But he's a reluctant leader in that he isn't happy about the slaughter; he just knows it's necessary to battling The Citadel. Doc is the robot that can tell whether or not a creature with an exploded head is dead. Tigorr is the big cat that tears people apart. Broot is the big blocky guy who smashes things. I mean, um, maybe not smashes because that could get into a weird copyright or trademark issue with that other company. Maybe he deconstructs people and things in a thoughtfully violent manner. Scraps is the tiny female with the anime hair and the lip piercing who is probably scrappy. And that's it for now. There are probably more because I bet they have an entire squadron of freedom fighters who aren't terrorists at all.

If Primus is nonviolent and this is the first time he's killed (or participated in this kind of killing), then that means Kyle Rayner is definitely still alive somewhere.

Coming to the conclusion that Kyle Rayner isn't dead isn't really going out on a limb. But realizing he's alive through the context and characterizations provided by the writer and artist is more satisfying than just being a comic book nerd and going, "PSHAW! *sputter* Of course Kyle Rayner is alive! Comic book characters don't die! Duh! I could have told you that when I was two!" Ugh. Fuck you, comic book nerds!

The Omega Men realize they need to get the heck out of Alien Dodge before The Citadel send an army after them. They escape through some tunnels with a footlocker that keeps thumping because there is probably somebody secret inside of it! I hope it's a naked lady and not a White Lantern!

Um, forget armies. The Viceroy of The Citadel simply bombs the hell out of the building in which The Omega Men had been hiding. Good thing they had tunnels through which to escape!

As The Omega Men escape through the tunnels, they check on "the bomb" which is the thing in the footlocker. And it isn't a naked lady. It's that stupid Kyler Rayner. Lame! Now I have to ask Lord Google for some naked ladies!

The Omega Men Rating: Ten Non Terrorist Freedom Fighters in the Right and Not Evil At All out of Ten! It's a perfect book! Except for its lack of naked ladies! Although some people might find that a plus! Like maybe heterosexual ladies! Seriously though. Everybody should pick up this book because it is good and will be getting gooder. Perhaps it might even get gooderest!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2

One of these two characters is the greatest character Grant Morrison ever created.

If you're a big nerd and just love to be a huge pedantic jerk-face, you're probably chomping at your Cheetos-covered bit to point out that technically Grant Morrison didn't create Damian Wayne. The technically in that is important because obviously Grant Morrison created the character! Denny O'Neil created a world in which Batman had a son with Talia but that was just off-canon, semen-covered pablum. The semen is the important part of that descriptor because it seeded Grant Morrison's vagina mind and got it pregnant with Damian Wayne. I'm glad pedantic jerk-faced nerds don't know anything about sex or else they'd get all pedantic about me saying a vagina can get pregnant!

Last issue, Damian met the Red Hood for the first time. Unless he didn't. He seemed not to know that the Red Hood was previously a Robin because he got all heartbroken that Batman would treat the guy like family. It's also possible, since I know nothing about the Pre-Flashpoint years (except that Grant Morrison wrote a lot of shit I should probably read), that Damian was using that "treating this strange jerk like family" line because he knows it's Jason Todd under that mask. He's trying to tell Batman, in the only way he knows how (by being a little asshole), that Batman is a shitty father who loves dead kids better than alive kids, and he doesn't even love dead kids that much if they return from the grave. People without their own opinions are the easiest people to deal with. And you know how many opinions dead people have, right?! No wonder Bruce loves his mother and father so much. They were only able to fail him once. Imagine how much more angst Batman would have if he had to grow up as a teenager around them?!

Last issue ended with the C-List Extremists challenging Batman, Robin, Red Hood, and Scarlet to a battle. But Batman is all, "We don't fight just because somebody told us we fight. But we will fight to defend our lives which is kind of the same thing but at least it's on our terms. So there."

Okay, they sound like poorly written siblings. They must know each other.

Has anybody ever had their breakfast peed on? Why would anybody even assume that happened when they meet somebody in a bad mood? Aren't there more unlikely reasons that a person is annoyed and disgruntled in the morning? I would assume that they're still just getting over the intrusion of reality on their dreaming life. Waking life is the worst part of life. It takes me at least eight hours after waking to acclimate to it.

After all the living dolls are destroyed and the Extremists join the fight, the dialogue really gets interesting!

Scarlet really nails her big line!

I think somebody is writing this Marvel style! You know, that's where Ron Marz hands a "script" to Denys Cowan that looks something like this:

Page 1-4 or something: The Bat-family is overrun by Carny's living dolls.
Page 1-10 or something: The Extremists join the fight and everybody fights.
Page whatever to whatever: The fight is resolved and stuff.
Page the last pages: Damian and Batman almost hug. That should be clear but if you have any questions, text me! I'm going to go blow my fat Convergence money on hookers now!"

I've read that panel with Scarlet and, um, Meanstreak? about seven times because it's so awful. I keep trying to make it sound clever by stressing different words, or imagining they're having sex. It's especially terrible since this is only the second time Scarlet has even gotten to put words in a word balloon. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma encased in an enigma!

How did Ron Marz once make Wizard's List of Hottest Writers?

Why even have Batman say anything if he's just going to stand there asking their names? Why is he doing that? Has he forgotten who they are after getting punched in the face a dozen times by Brute? Is this Batman's way of showing disappointment that they haven't taken care of their rivals yet? Wouldn't it be better if he just said nothing?

Actually, the Extremists don't live by the rules at all which is why they destroyed their homeworld. Which also means they probably make the rules since nobody else was left to make any. Unless that's just Lord Havok's job, and then Death Angel is being as honest as she can.

When I first glanced at that panel, I thought Damian was laughing at what Death Angel was saying. Then I read Death Angel's dialogue, saw that it was incredibly boring, and realized Damian is simply laughing at Jason Todd getting his face slashed off. That kid is a dick, isn't he?!

The action only gets more incredible as Brute recovers and attacks Batman before Damian or Jason can answer him. As Brute grabs Batman's cape, Batman says, "You again." It almost makes me quit reading comic books once and for all. But then Damian Wayne calls Carny fat (again!) and I go so far past quitting comic books that I'm back to reading them again! Red Hood kicks Death Angel because he can't grapple with her or punch her because he's holding a gun in each hand. If he's not going to shoot her, he really should put the guns away. And finally, Scarlet pulls out a teeny little knife and says to Meanstreaker, "That's a knife! This is a knife too!" She probably should have pulled out her blade earlier before her face got all slashed up.

You know, I think I have a comic book from way back called Scarlet. Wasn't it about vampires? Is this that Scarlet? Is that why she doesn't say much? Vampires don't say much usually. At least that was true before Ann Rice got her hands on them and then, oh boy! Stop whinging on, Lestat! Just accept your life as a vampire and stop being such a fucking baby! Even Louis who is far more likeable and kind accepts his Salem's Lot in life! Anne wrote Interview With a Vampire in which Lestat and Louis seemed to say everything that needed to be said. But then fucking Lestat couldn't stop going on and on about how life fucked him and he needed his own book. And still that wasn't enough because we still had to hear about how Lestat was his own worst enemy and constantly drove away everybody he loved in Tale of the Body Thief! That's about where I stopped reading so if Lestat was still rolling around in his own piss and misery, I, for one, wasn't reading any more about it.

Batman allows himself to get the lower hand with Brute so that Damian and Jason will work together to save Batman. Then Batman is all, "Good jorb, guys! Did you hear how I pronounced 'job' as 'jorb'? That was me kidding around with my sons! You're both my sons and I love you a lot! Now let's fight these bad guys together!" And Jason Todd and Damian Wayne hug and then go running into battle holding hands.

Scarlet must have died while the kids were helping Batman.

Throughout the entire comic book, Carny goes on and on about playing and games. It was only now, about eighteen pages in, that I got the hint! Hey! This guy likes playing games! Ha ha!

Brute grabs Jason and Damian just as the Convergence Earthquake hits and shakes the old building apart and turns Gotham into a no man's land. Probably. Brute falls off the building but Damian grabs Jason's hand and falls off the building and then Batman grabs Damian's hand and doesn't fall off the building, even though he's crying his eyes out because Jason Todd said "dead in an alley." What an unfeeling asshole!

After the fight, Batman asks, "Are either of you hurt?" See, that's supposed to be a call back from last issue when Damian did not ask if Batman was hurt when he obviously was very hurt. He's teaching his son how to be a man! Or maybe he's actually asking if either one is emotionally butthurt because he showed more love for one or the other during the fight. Also, he doesn't ask if Scarlet is hurt because he's all, "Who is Scarlet? Was somebody else fighting on our side?"

Scarlet ties up all the bad guys while the Bat-Family watches. I guess billionaires and their families are too good for the blue collar work of cleaning up the crime scene. Dicks.

See, Batman? Hugs aren't lethal.

Well! I'm glad Jason Todd is over the whole "I was killed by The Joker and you didn't kill him at all afterward so you must not love me!" thing he was suffering from. And Batman found the ability to do that move where you immobilize a criminal but you just do it softer and people feel comfort from it. Nice jorb, Batman!

Superman stops by to rub his father and mother in Batman's face. They don't hug because that would be totally gay and the paparazzi might be watching and then the headline on some rag sheet will be all, "Batman and Superman...Bat butt buddies?!" And then Superman and Batman will have to be even more cautious when they fuck in the sky. But they leave each other on good terms because they're both dads now and they have no idea what's going to happen after Convergence ends. I wonder if even DC Comics knows?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2 Rating: This issue wasn't as awful as the first issue although it was 90% fight with horrible dialogue thrown in. Nobody really acknowledges Scarlet and the final panel with Batman, Robin, and Red Hood completely leaves her out. Did I just imagine her? The final few pages were a bit rushed but that was fine. This whole Convergence thing is about leaving characters in a completely different place than they've ever been (or haven't been for a long time). So Batman and Superman are accepting their changing roles as fathers and realizing they have a new responsibility to the world. Damian and Jason have a grudging respect for each other. And Jason Todd has let the past go so he can hang out with daddy. This issue deserves 6 Dead Parents in an Alley out of 10.

Divergence: The Omega Men
"For 200 years the Citadel has controlled the worlds of the Vega star system. Millions have resisted. Millions have died. Billions have surrendered. Six fight on."

Did The Omega Men really need to be rebooted? Does anybody think they'll accidentally strike gold again and create another rock star character like Lobo? I have my doubts! I also have my doubts that this series will be interesting!

I think Tom King, the writer, came from television, right? I could ask Lord Google but fuck him. We're fighting right now because I asked him for an innocent search term and he returned row after row of erect phalluses. Jerko! Anyway, the opening scene is quite cinematic and done in that "Keith Giffen/Brady Bunch" style. It starts with a robot and a probably cat person and a big broot...er, brute in a robe setting up a set for a ransom video. Or a cutting off the captured person's head video but I think DC Comics is probably thinking twice about publishing touchy stuff like that right now.

Okay dammit. This is a good set-up for the series. I'm in.

I hope Fox News doesn't get a whiff of this and portray it as a pro-ISIS comic book!

The man in the hood is Kyle Rayner which makes me hope the beheading is actually going to happen! No, no! I'm just kidding! No wait! Kidding about beheadings is probably worse than actually beheading somebody! And kidding about a fictional beheading is probably worse than that! I take back everything I said forever and completely apologize and will now think whatever thoughts won't offend anybody forever.

Kyle came to the Omega Men with words of peace from The Citadel. At least, that's what Kyle thought. But the history has proven that these negotiations are full of lies and betrayals. Kyle may have thought he was negotiating peace but he's just caught up in a conflict that can only end with one side's complete destruction.

Oh. There's the cat person!

Tigorr goes to slit Kyle's throat but the tape goes all wonky the way VHS tapes were wont to do in the time before fire was invented. So Kyle probably didn't actually die at all. He's probably going to join the Omega Men and help them defeat The Citadel. That's cool. Dead or not dead, Tom King just got me interested in The Omega Men and Kyle Rayner.

Holy fuck this Divergence comic was heavy. Beautifully put together. Nicely done, Tom King. I hope the Convergence Weekly lives up to this eight page mini!

P!S!: Never mind all that stuff where I confused Tom King with Jeff King. I probably should have consulted Lord Google! Also I should remember names betterer.

Deathstroke #9

Yet another Liefeld book where his Inkers, Adelso Corona and Jacob Bear, get not mention on the cover. What a dick.

This cover is a bit too polished to be Liefeld's work alone and you can see Matt Yackey signed it as well. My bet is Liefeld sketched out the form of Deathstroke and Yackey polished the entire thing up. I do like that Liefeld was given a book where the main character wears an eyepatch since he has so much trouble making symmetrical faces.

A group of heavy smoking underworld figures have gotten together to plan Deathstroke's death.

Okay, one point for Liefeld. This made me chuckles since I'm constantly unsure about which superhero names include the article. Is it Batman or The Batman?!

If Liefeld can bring a semblance of humor back to this comic book, I'm all for him taking the lead on it. I thought Kyle Higgins was going to keep the story fairly light (seriously, you have to make it fun and tongue-in-cheek! It's a story about an amoral killing machine!) but he kept the tone fairly serious and I lost all enthusiasm for the comic. Especially with that Legacy idjit showing up and mucking around every fucking issue.

This was sort of funny as well. A crime lord sleeping peacefully and not having to worry about his fucking major international crime! I guess Deathstroke is the only person in the DCnU stopping arms shipments. But, you know, moron, you could just hire Deathstroke to protect your arms shipment! Then you could sleep peacefully knowing they'd be safe! Dumb dumb.

These thugs are spending ten million dollars to hire somebody named Mr. Deadborn to take out Slade Wilson. Hey, Mr. Deadborn? What good is ten million dollars if you're not alive to spend it?

Hopefully this comic just doesn't become a series of pissing contests between Slade and the next bad-ass to come along. I say this because I already know Lobo is on the cover of Issue Ten because people think it's awesome to see pictures from upcoming storylines and then share it around because it's cool to be the first to know something. I wish I could follow more Comic Book Tumblrs to discuss comic books with other people but everyone is always talking about what's coming next. And I like to learn about what's coming next by reading about it! So thanks for all of the Alan Scott spoilers as well, internet!

So many fun things to check out in Rob's new story so quickly that I'm overwhelmed with the giddies! You all know what the giddies are! It's when you feel like a twelve year old girl about to experience her first orgasm. From self-pleasure or horseback riding, you sickos! Unless that still makes you a sicko thinking about it that way! If any of this sentence was offensive, just pretend you never read it. May I recommend drinking some alcohol and taking a few Rohypnol to help erase the memory? The only problem with that is once you've forgotten, you'll have forgotten reading this Deathstork Deathstroke commentary and then you'll reread it and be offended again! So maybe you should unfollow me before taking the Rohypnol and leave a note by your computer to never follow tessatechaitea again. But that might make you curious and then you'll be right back where you started when you delve into the mystery of why you forgot everything. So, you know, just forget it.

The first thing Liefeld decides to do is give Deathstork Deathstroke a better motive than the last issue gave for Deathstroke's need to kill for profit. SRSLY! Just last issue Kyle Higgins set up that Deathstroke lives this life to be the absolute best mercenary in the world to prove something to his asshole father. But now, it's because of the death of his wife.

Filling a gaping wound with blood might help if you do it correctly but the money stuffed in there would be better spent having a doctor, you know, put the blood in you correctly. And closing up that gaping wound.

Deathstroke now has Liefeld Face. You can see where David Finch learned to draw men.

Slade Wilson is at the grave of his wife telling her how empty he is and how he's ready to give up Mercenarying because it's leading him down the road to ruin. I guess he's accomplished enough that his dying father finally gets the point that Slade is better than him.

Deathstroke keeps a framed picture of his wife in his trench coat along with grenades, knives, guns, ammunition, and rocket launchers.

While he's gazing lovingly at the suddenly appearing picture of his wife, he realizes something is coming up on him fast and he immediately disappears the picture to deal with the assailant.

Note Deathstroke's clenched fists? Every shot of his hand, it has been in a fist excluding that one where he's holding the picture. And the guy attacking Deathstroke gets to have open fists because he has pointy talon-like fingers which Liefeld loves to draw.

And I'm still only on page three!

This guy attacking Slade seems awfully familiar. But not in that, "Haven't I seen him in a DC Comic somewhere in the past?" It's more like, "Hasn't Sabretooth already been created over in the Marvel Universe?"

Say "Cheese" as angrily as you can!

I like how Deathstroke identifies his wild attacker as "feral." That's a pretty good guess! But look! He's also cat-like with fangs! Sounding so fucking familiar! I hope his name is Crictor Veed.

This Sabretooth wanna-be is not the only person attacking Deathstroke in the cemetery. He senses more so he yells, "Armor up!" which means, well, taking off the trench coat. Oh, and putting on the mask! Can't forget putting on the mask!

I'm beginning to realize that Mr. Deadborn isn't going to risk his life for the ten million dollars! He's going to hire lots and lots and lots of other killers to take out Deathstroke for him. That's why everyone was calling it "The Extinction Agenda." Wasn't that the name of an X-Men storyline? And isn't sending lots of people to kill Slade Wilson what was going on previously except in a more boring fashion because each killer was named Legacy? But now it'll be exciting with lots and lots and lots of cool new villains created by someone else but revamped in Liefeld's style! And they'll all be battling Deathstroke!

Is he being attacked by toddlers?

Excuse me. Is he being evaluated by toddlers?

 

Who are these nobodies attacking Deathstroke the Terminator? Oh, wait! They're not even attacking him. They're evaluating what his capabilities are. Are there lives worth the information? Seriously, who are the minions or underlings or hired mercenaries who willfully give up their lives for something like this? I think they're brought over from a foreign country where they've never heard of Deathstroke and promised lots of money to participate in a Flash Mob! "Just act like you're going to attack the guy in the graveyard. It'll be filmed for a laugh and you'll make a ton of money."

While Deathstroke gives the readers a quick primer on who he is and what his powers are (you know, in case they've forgotten by the 9th issue. Or does Rob Liefeld think that a shitload of new readers are going to follow him to this comic so he thinks all the new Rob Liefeld fans need an update on who Deathstroke is?), he's suddenly attacked by someone with Telekinetic Powers. This takes him by surprise even though, in just the previous panel, he mentioned how he knows his opponents movements before they make them. Whoops!

Why would you expect a higher level Telekinetic to have Telepathy? And how long does it take to get to Level 7? I've never role-played a Telekinetic.

While Slade is held in the air, more foot soldiers head up the hillside to the gravesite of Slade's wife. But Slade is prepared for this! All the tombstones around the hill are actually bombs! He blows them all to hell with the detonator that came from the same place his wife's framed image came from. He must have found a Pouch of Holding on his way to becoming a Level 44 Assassin.

What must the Inker (whose name didn't appear on the cover) think when he has to ink over this picture by Liefeld?

The leader of this stupid little group appears to engage Deathstroke in small talk. You know how these things play out! I've discussed it over and over. First the fight. Then the talking after the realization that the fight was either a misunderstanding or a test or any other barely logical reason the writer can come up with to make some characters fight. This time, Maxim (the leader) tells Deathstroke that this attack was necessary to get his full attention. Yeah, wasting the lives of a bunch of your soldiers was probably the best way to go about hiring Deathstroke. How about just sending him a letter saying, "Hey! Big money to catch Lobo! You in?" That would probably have worked.

Meet the team Deathstork Deathstroke will probably be working with even though he doesn't believe in teams, only in competition. Are these the New 52 version of the Omega Men? Looking it up online, yep, looks like it. It took the Tigorr name to bring it back since they didn't have big old Broot who most represents the team to me.

Oh, and the next page Maxim calls them the Omegas! Deathstroke decides to go with them and hear them out. This offer means something to him and is saving his life because he was close to suicide by recklessness. Peabody comes out of hiding and hands Deathstroke his armor (which he called for at the beginning of the fight! I guess Peabody had to run down to the car and get it).

Deathstroke heads back to the Omegas' facility where he meets their head of security. She's the one that couldn't keep Lobo locked up and why they now need Deathstroke.

Does Slade feel he's being disappointing because he's asking his question or because he's so tiny with widdle bitty foots?

I'm sorry, it wasn't her fault that Lobo escaped. Lobo was being held in a maximum security prison in Colorado. Colorado? I've never heard of that planet? Is it one of Saturn's moon? I mean, it couldn't be the state, right? Um...right? Lobo wasn't being held in a normal prison in the United States? Was he? OMFG!

The final pages of the issue tell Lobo's story: how he ended up in the prison and how he escaped and what he plans to do now that he's free. I'll just scan some pictures from it and then get to my Rating.

Looks like Lobo received a nice cleansing of his past in the New 52 reboot if he's been stuck on Earth for many years. Was Lobo the cause of the Roswell crash?

Well, not your entire race! There is that one female Czarnian in the Red Lantern Corps. But your genocide of the Czarnians probably filled her with the rage that turned her into a Red Lantern.

I don't know who Sheba is!

Why do all of Liefeld's male characters grimace in the exact same weird way?

Deathstroke #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really have a good time boggling at Liefeld's creations! But the main reason I'm giving Deathstroke a +1 on Liefeld's debut is because I think the comic is going to be fun again. Deathstroke is over the serious freaking out phase he's been in the last few issues that were driving him to get more and more reckless. And with the offer from the Omega Youths, he's instantly turned around! He's optimistic and ready for battle! And he made a few stupid jokes but that's better than being grim and surly and no fun to be around.