Red Hood and the Outlaws #4

Lobdell should be a whiz at writing Bizarro since he was so terrible at writing Superman!

I just saw that meme with a photo of a Native American and then the words obviously written by an agnostic white guy with a 4chan account that says that thing about birds having two wings and people are fools if they believe the wings are different just because they're on opposite sides of the bird. It's pretty shocking when you realize that bird's wings have such different governing philosophies and yet the bird still manages not to crash and burn because the right wing refuses to do its job for eight years. I wonder exactly how dumb a person has to be to think that whole right and left wings being part of the same bird analogy is profound? One time, I made an analogy that I actually thought was clever but because it was an analogy, I forgot it immediately because analogies are simply a way to ignore the subtleties and difficulties of specific problems. I do love to make analogies to make fun of the terrible people who think analogies are clever tactics to use in a debate.

Some of the worst people in the world are those people who refuse to choose a side in a debate because they think it shows they're more open-minded and intelligent. Fuck you, you dumb assholes. You aren't better than everybody else simply because you can't be bothered to support a side unless it's been proven 100%. I like people who passionately believe in the thing they believe! Unless it's the opposite of what I believe and then I hate them more than the "I'm so fucking smart" agnostics. I point this out because I can't fucking stand Scott Lobdell's writing. So if you like it or don't have a fully formed opinion that isn't "It's got some good and bad qualities!" then I probably can't stand you. Figuratively speaking, of course! I totally wouldn't tell you to your face that I hated you just because you liked Scott Lobdell's writing. I would absolutely love to hang out and grab a beer (or a root beer if you're Mormon or Muslim or a teetotaler!) and discuss comic books! Of course after we parted company, the first person I ran into, I'd have to say, "Hey! You see that fucking idiot over there? Totally thinks Scott Lobdell isn't the worst!" Unless the first person I ran into was Scott Lobdell. Then I'd probably say, "Eeep!", and run out of the room.

Is Scott Lobdell the only person left in the world who thinks it's clever or okay to nickname somebody with red hair "Red"?

The high jinks continue on the next page. I'd say it's comedy written by somebody who thinks vaudeville is coming back into style but that doesn't get to the heart of how bad it is. Bringing back vaudevillian humor isn't necessarily bad and has probably been done before by Alan Moore in some comic book I forgot to read. But I also didn't just want to say Lobdell obviously thinks the old jokes he's repeating are funny and original because that opens me up to people saying hurtful things like "Kettle, meet pot!" or "That's you, you stupid cunt-faced motherfucker!" See? I just did it there! How old is the insult "cunt-faced motherfucker"?! I probably cribbed that from Perfect Strangers.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell doesn't understand how Bizarro speaks or if editorial told him to drop the Bizarro shtick because it's just too confusing. Because Bizarro doesn't kill Jason Todd by crushing him against the omnium glass. Instead Bizarro says, "Too many words! Bizarro am confused!" Normally, that would mean there are just enough words (or too few!) and that Bizarro totally understands what's going on. But at least Lobdell understands how Bizarro refers to himself in the third person but speaks with first person singular verbs.

You're better off alone! Jason Todd is the most annoying character in the DC Universe since he's practically only been written by Scott Lobdell! Run, Bizarro! Run far away! I mean, walk slowly close by!

I guess Bizarro is going to be a Lenny or big dumb kid type of character. Does that mean he's going to have a bunch of cutesy, adorable scenes that will make everybody who loves Lobdell's Jason Todd to say things like "He's my baby!" and "My baby Jaybird's Bizarro baby is my baby!" and "Baby baby baby baby Jason Todd baby! Booga too doo booty boo!"?

Red Hood tells Bizarro a bedtime story and Bizarro falls asleep. That's when Black Mask and his goons — all wearing sex fetish gimp masks, of course — pack up Bizarro and take him back to the lab. Black Mask is impressed because Black Mask has chosen to be impressed by everything Jason Todd does. He has a huge crush on him. It's the only thing that explains why he's ignoring all of the signs that Jason Todd has infiltrated his organization to take him down. It's the only reason Black Mask would dare to hire as his second-in-command a man with close ties to Batman who is outside of his organization. He just wants to put his leather clad dick inside of him.

Black Mask invites Jason Todd to breakfast so he can reveal his true feelings to him. Not only does he think Jason Todd will make a great heir to his criminal organization, he also considers Jason Todd a friend. Oh? Is that you make friends as an adult? You hire them into your organization and after one or two days, you choke back the bile and declare they're you're friend? That seems dangerous. What if on the third day of knowing them, I realized they were actually an annoying asshole? Are you allowed to just as easily declare somebody not a friend, or an enemy even?

Jason Todd eats it up even though he doesn't want to because he is lonely and he likes how everybody is confessing to him that they're lonely too. It really helps build the theme of loneliness that lonely Scott Lobdell is trying to express. Lonely people are weak. And apparently they have roast turkey and wine for breakfast.

Black Mask takes Jason Todd down to his warehouse of weapons where he reveals that he's known all along what Jason Todd was trying to do. Of course he did! It was so fucking obvious! Black Mask doesn't need Jason anymore even though he was talking about friendship just a few pages earlier. I guess he was just trying to butter him up so that Red Hood would agree to take over Gotham and run it in a way that would make it better than the way it would be if other people ran it. Why are so many people so obsessed with controlling Gotham? You'd think it rained fucking diamonds there. Gotham City must be the fourth largest economy in the world.

Since Black Mask knows who Red Hood is, Jason Todd is finally able to tell him he's not interested in working with Black Mask. But Roman doesn't care because he's not lonely anymore. He has an even better friend than Jason Todd: Bizarro! With Bizarro, he can rule Gotham easily! I just have to ask again though: why?! How much fucking power does Gotham City give to whoever runs it?! It's just a goddamned city! I don't see the Mayor of Gotham wielding a might influence over anybody else in the DC Universe. It must be the ports, right? Gotham City has the best fucking ports in the world and everybody is just dying to ship their goods through it, right? Who fucking cares about Gotham City?! Just let Batman have it, you imbeciles. It can't be that great. Go take over New Orleans! That's a fun town and no superheroes!

What Did We Learn?
Loneliness will drive anybody to do anything. But mostly, loneliness will allow people to bound, one lonely loser to another. Then lonely loser readers will read the book about the lonely people who can't stop explaining how lonely they are (otherwise how will the reader know?!) and they'll identify with the characters. Then they'll post on the Internet about how much they love their poor little lonely Jaybird while furiously masturbate over that one panel where he's in the shower and you totally see his abs and almost the place where his penis attaches to his body. So close! Oh Jaybird! JAYBIRD! JAAAAAYBIIIIIIIRRRRRRD!

Future Quest #6

The Quest Team about to be sucked into the Time Vagina's vortex.

This is probably he last issue of Future Quest I'm going to read. Not because I don't love Hanna-Barbera cartoons! It's just that I don't love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that make up this comic book! Sure, the Herculoids were one of my favorites as a kid. But Birdfuckingman? Johnny Quest? The Impossibles? No thanks! Maybe if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt wind up in this issue, I'll reconsider adding it back to the pull list.

The human body is an incredible machine. Today, I farted, belched, and urinated all at the same time. And I have a mind capable of admiring that feat! At first I typed "burped" and "peed" but I figured I should probably smart it up a bit. I couldn't think of a good smart word for fart. I wish I had been spitting instead so I could have said expectorate!

This issue begins with the kid from the swamp who was deputized by Johnny Quest expressing glee after turning into a full grown man named Mightor with a saber-toothed cat as his sidekick. He also decides to nickname his saber-toothed cat friend "Snag" which means this must be Snagglepuss. I'll know for sure when I see which side of the panel he exits.

When I was about ten or twelve years old, I would have hated suddenly becoming a full grown man. It would have just made me feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than I already was. The transition from childhood to adult is supposed to be a long battle against puberty which every child eventually succumbs to through attrition and self-doubt. When they finally drag themselves into sixteen or seventeen, they just roll over and scream, "Enough already! ENOUGH! I accept it! I'm a stupid adult! Fine! Fuck everything!" Although maybe it would be better to just wake up one day and find you've easily slid into the transition overnight. Then you can just pop out of bed, run outside, and find somebody to fuck badly!

Another player in this story is Ug, the caveman. He speaks some kind of made up gobbledygook language that I can call gobbledygook because it's fictional. You can't call me disrespectful for that. It's why I only criticize comic books because anybody who screams at me for saying something they disagree with just looks like a petty asshole who takes their stupid comic books way too seriously. Ug is a fucking stupid caveman who sounds like his mouth is shitting when he speaks! There! I said it! He disgusts me!

I once had a growth spurt when somebody grabbed my club fossil! OH!

The kids know Mightor used to be Ty because he's the only black character in this comic book. I hope his introduction to the Quest team gives Hadji the confidence to start calling out all of the racist crap Dr. Quest and Race Bannon get up to. I'm fairly certain there as least one episode where Dr. Quest experiments on Hadji, and at least three episodes where Race Bannon said the N-word.

I'm glad I've forgotten all of the dinosaur names I knew as a kid because about 75% of those names probably aren't recognized by the scientific community anymore. Hell, when I was a kid, people still weren't sure what killed off the dinosaurs. One Dr. Larson thought maybe they died from smoke inhalation!

In the 70s, dinosaurs had names like Angry Sky Lizard, Terribly Fat Swamp Monster, and Long Necked Ducklodadopuss.

Mightor arrives with the unconscious body of Birdfuckingman and leaves him with Johnny Quest. Before he leaves, he says, "Told you Snag was a scrapper!" Oh, did you? When did you say that? In the time that doesn't exist where you hung out with Johnny and the others after transforming and before this moment? Fuck you, Ty. You're a fucking liar! You're worse than that guttermouthed Ug.

Meanwhile in another universe or timeline or reality, Space Ghost fights for his life against the evil monster whose name I've long forgotten. I do know it isn't Brak, unfortunately. Oh! It's Omnikron! I think that means "All of the weed." Space Ghost chases it through a Time Vagina, so he'll probably be on Earth soon too.

Race Bannon, master of anatomy!

Zin's dinosaur attack on the Quest's isn't proving sufficient to destroy them so he ties a bomb to a velociraptor and giggles maniacally. He might be the greatest evil scientist in the history of evil scientists!

Somehow, Birdfuckingman saves the kids from the velicoraptor bomb. He must have seen this trick before. Maybe Zin isn't as imaginative as I thought. I bet he pulls the old bomb on a dinosaur every time he needs to make a fast get away with a kidnapped scientist. Oh yeah, during the kerfuffle, Jade kidnapped Dr. Quest. Good. Dr. Quest probably made his career as a scientist thanks to Project Paperclip. He deserves whatever he gets.

That's the end of the Jonny Quest bit because the last half of the comic had to be used for something even more boring than a Jonny Quest story: The Impossibles! Also, I know I've been spelling "Jonny" wrong throughout this commentary but I'm too lazy to fix it. So if it was bothering you, you should realize that you might have a problem with being a know-it-all jerko and not some super chill awesome dude like somebody I know! Hint hint: it's me!

The Impossibles, who are giant Magic the Gathering playing nerd bro whinter babies, make a friend who is a girl. So, you know, they live up to their name! The end!

The Ranking!
You know what? I've always hated Jonny Quest. He's such a little prick. And his dog is an asshole too. I don't know why I even began reading this comic book. No wait! I do remember! Because the Herculoids were in it! But they're not in it enough for me to keep reading it. So I'm throwing you in the discard pile, Future Quest! Somebody let me know if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt ever turn up in this thing!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #3

I bet Scott Lobdell would sell his soul for a time machine so he could go back in time and introduce a fresh audience to his old jokes.

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with Jason Todd remembering his first night as Robin. He doesn't know why he's remembering it but I think it might have something to do with looking up at a huge glass tube containing Bizarro. In his memory, he's looking at a huge glass tube containing the costume of Robin. Except Dick Grayson's Robin costume was never retired and put on display, no matter how much Bruce Wayne insisted Dick was dead to him for abandoning him to go off with the Teen Titans. I suppose this is now the Post-Crisis Flashbirth 52 Universe, so whatever Scott Lobdell wants to pretend happened in the past, happened. That's not an encouraging thought. Remember how Scott Lobdell tried to make The Joker completely responsible for Jason Todd becoming Robin? And remember how Scott Lobdell changed history so that Tim Drake didn't figure out Batman was Bruce Wayne but then the fans reacted so strongly against that idea that it ate at him for months until he was able to tell that story again but with Tim Drake thinking, "I know Batman's secret identity but I don't want to hurt his feelings by revealing how easy it was to figure out! So instead I'll act like I didn't know!" He also did some terrible things to Superman that we don't speak about anymore.

• Black Mask crawls out of the helicopter and into the train car so he can be present as Artemis and Red Hood are gassed. I would expect one of his henchmen to do something that dangerous but maybe they all refused. And Black Mask respected them for refusing because he likes henchmen who don't follow his orders if they go against the henchman's ethics, beliefs, and safety protocols.

• Jason Todd wakes up in a strange place the next morning and exposes his terrible powers of observation.

Actually, you still have your pants on and you aren't tucked in.

• Jason Todd wakes up wondering if Black Mask is playing him better than he thought he was playing Black Mask. Let me answer this for you, Jaybird: OF COURSE HE IS! Why the hell would he hire you when you wouldn't even kill a coworker for him?! And why would he see everything you did to betray him during the Artemis Encounter and still think you're his Number Two?! Get the fuck out of here! No wonder Batman didn't take revenge on the Joker when you died. I bet Batman actually sucked the Joker's dick for getting you out of his hair!

"Oh! Thanks for waiting until I was awake to show me this, Boss!"

• Up until now I've been mostly trying to ignore how much I can't stand Scott Lobdell's writing. But after Black Fetish Mask takes Jason Todd downstairs to view the hatching of Bizarro, I can't help remember all of the pain Scott Lobdell has put me through for the last five years. It's just a simple trigger that brings it all rushing back: omnium. Black Mask calls the glass securing Bizarro "omnium glass." Why is he so fucking in love with the prefix "omni"?! It doesn't even make sense in this context!

• Jason Todd bonds with Bizarro because Jason Todd knows what it's like to come back to life. Not that Bizarro was dead and has now come back to life. But it's a close enough fit that it doesn't take a lot of pounding to wedge it in thematically.

• Things really take a turn for the worse when I remembered how much I loathed Scott Lobdell's writing. I rushed through the rest of the comic book because there was a scene where Jason Todd reached out to Bizarro and I was all, "WHO FUCKING CARES?!" And then there was a scene where Jason Todd goes to buy Bizarro a toy and I'm all, "OH MY GOD JUST GET IT OVER WITH!" And then there was a scene where the Black Mask had dinner with Jason Todd so that he could tell Jason Todd that he loved him so much he was like family and I was all, "WHAT DID I JUST DO?! I HAVE NO MEMORY OF SLITTING MY WRISTS?! OH MY GOD!"

• Anyway, Bizarro ends the comic book saying, "ME AM BIZARRO!" I think that means he's not Bizarro. I guess he thinks he's Superman then!

The Ranking
-1! Look, I can't be fair to this comic book because it is attached to five years of Lobdell mentally torturing the fuck out of me. I should probably read some reviews of this comic book from people who like Scott Lobdell. I bet they were able to concentrate on the story. Maybe they can clear up all of the questions I have. Like why does Black Mask want Bizarro? Or why doesn't Black Mask retire if he's got the kind of wealth that allows him to furnish a cutting edge laboratory staffed with the best scientific minds in the world? And why didn't Artemis use one of her terrible metaphors that was undoubtedly going to be one of her trademark personality quirks? I bet Lobdell simply forgot he was doing that!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #2

Sure they do! It's "θείος"! They probably just don't use it often. And they almost certainly don't use the idiom you're referring to.

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with Roy Harper wearing a dress. I think. I'm pretty sure it's Roy Harper. Red hair. Bow. Way too many fucking Narration Boxes hovering about his head.

Yeah, yeah. Definitely Roy Harper.

• Oh! I'm starting to understand why Scott Lobdell was picked to do Red Hood and the Outlaws for Rebirth! He probably still had a bunch of scripts left over from the initial series which he's just recycling for this series. I mean, how different really will Artemis be from Roy Harper?! And with Starfire's constant confusion about Earth culture, she's almost exactly like Bizarro!

• Artemis learns that warriors don't choose their weapons because their weapons choose them. Is that how it works? Is that why so many soldiers rush off to battle weaponless because no weapon ever spoke to them because they weren't insane? Maybe that's a Sun Tzu piece of wisdom! It's just stupid enough to sound like ancient wisdom. Judging by her appearance last issue, the weapon that chooses her is an insanely large and unwieldy battle axe.

• Artemis is an Amazon who worships Egyptian gods and she never thought it was weird. I wonder if Scott Lobdell accidentally researched the wrong Pantheon and just decided to go with it. Why should he let all the new information he learned go to waste? Better yet, I wonder if he didn't even notice until the editor said something? He probably wrote the dialogue between Artemis and Nephthys about the bow of Ra thinking he was nailing the whole Amazon thing. Then his editor was all, "Dude. You're using Egyptian gods. Amazons are Greek!" So then Lobdell was all, "Oh! I'll fix that with a Narration Box! 'The origin of my name is Greek. But the gods I worshipped were Egyptian.'" Is that better?!" And the editor was all, "Really? You like the double 'P' version of worshiped? Whatever. Just hand in the script."

• I wonder if Lobdell would ever admit that what I just supposed was true? It probably totally is, right?! Boy, what a fuck-up!

• Artemis is trying to get the same weapon that Jason Todd is trying to steal for Black Mask. It's probably the Bow of Ra. Unless it's the Mace of Incredible Size. Or the Lance Beyond All Normal Proportions. Or the Galactic Cannon of Ultimate Girth.

• Black Mask stands off to the side to applaud Jason Todd when he gets the upper hand. But that only lasts long enough for Black Mask to assure Jason Todd that the Bow of Ra isn't what he wants at all. He wants some kind of genetics technology (in other words, Bizarro!). Good thing everybody is so free with their information! Artemis is telling Todd all about the Bow of Ra. Black Mask is telling Todd all about the technology (you know, Bizarro!). How else could Jay make a decision if he didn't have all of this information? Good thing he was trained by Batman that it isn't enough to know your enemy, you have to really, really know your enemy! That's some good advice, right there!

• Artemis realizes Jason isn't trying to hurt her because she knew everything there was to know about battle straight out of her mother's vagina. She might be exaggerating because it took her until sixteen to realize that your weapon chooses you! Anyway, she decides she should work with Red Hood to blow his cover. He joins up with her and they turn on The Black Mask. So his undercover work is already over? I guess it's just changed because that's how Lobdell's stories work. His stories begin with a premise and then, in the next issue, he carefully wads up that premise and throws it at the wastebasket (and misses, of course) because he thought up a different premise he'd rather pursue. Obviously he had to think up a way to get Todd and Artemis working together. So he may have meant to use the Black Mask premise for just the initial issue. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt this time.

How is Red Hood impressing Black Mask now? "I always wanted an heir with morals who would turn on me the first chance he got! You're getting a raise, boy!"

• To follow Black Mask, Artemis throws Jason at the helicopter and then leaps after. As Jason crawls into the train car being stolen by Black Mask's helicopter, they have a barely comprehensible conversation.

She needs to figure out a better way to treat her metaphors?

• Artemis's metaphors are as good as they're going to get since they're being written by Scott Lobdell. They're awful and you can tell he's going to use them constantly as part of Artemis's personality. "You comparing yourself to me is like a weaker thing comparing itself to a stronger thing!"

• After Todd and Artemis stop bickering in just that way that gets fangenders underwear frothing but is actually terrible dialogue, Red Hood tells Artemis to call Mjolnir because the genetic technology in the train car with them is Bizarro. I hope he also gets out his book of antonyms or things are going to get confusing really quick!

Ranking: 0.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

Basically, Artemis will probably act exactly like Starfire and Bizarro will act like Arsenal but with better grammar.

The Review!
I feel relieved. This comic book isn't as bad as every other comic book series Scott Lobdell has begun but I see all the frayed threads of warning that this will become the train wreck everybody expected. I think that's why the issue ends in a train wreck. It's a prophetic warning! But until then, fans of Red Hood will probably be happy with this issue. At least I think they will. I have no idea what Red Hood fans actually want. I suppose some of them want somebody other than Scott Lobdell writing him. But there seem to be a minority group who think Lobdell writes a great Red Hood. I wonder if we could gather up those people and do a scientific study to determine what is wrong with their brains? I feel like maybe I could replicate what they're seeing in Scott Lobdell's Red Hood if I chose to jerk off while reading the comic book. Then I'd at least have the ecstatic feeling of impending sexual release while reading the story and understand what they feel. But I don't dare try it because who needs to suddenly associate orgasms with Scott Lobdell's writing. I'd never have sex with myself again!

The Commentary!
I don't think Scott Lobdell has the chops to pull off this book (or any book, really). Rebirth was fine because it probably had so much editorial control over it that it could argued that Lobdell didn't have much to do with it. Editors are usually the worst because they want to be writers so badly that they'll tell writers we're not as good as we actually are. They'll be all, "Grunion Guy. None of these sentences make much sense. I think I get the gist of what you're trying to say but it's confusing and muddled. Clean it up." Then I'll say, "Who's paying who, buddy?! Just do your job and tell me if I spelled something incorrectly!" Then my editor will sigh and be all, "Most of these words are spelled incorrectly." Then I'll blow up at my editor and yell, "ARTISTIC LICENSE!" So, don't tell me I don't know a little bit about usurpers. I mean editors.

I forget what I was trying to say in the last paragraph. I wish my editor hadn't quit!

When Lobdell begins a comic book, I try to suppress my reaction (which is 85% gag reflex) and try to imagine I'm a fan of Red Hood and/or Scott Lobdell. But I never know how because it's hard to put myself in the shoes of total morons.

Am I supposed to cheer when I see this? Laugh uproariously? Feel aroused? Or is my reaction the proper one: rolling my eyes so aggressively that my eye muscles cramp and thinking, "I was just saying to a bunch of other super nerdy comic book guys the other day, 'You know who needs Rebirthing?! FAY GUNN!' And they were all, 'Genius!'"?

Ma Gunn's School for Wayward Boys! Fay Gunn is an important figure in the history of Jason Todd so I shouldn't be surprised to see her in the first issue. What I also shouldn't be surprised by is that this opening image was definitely sourced from her Who's Who entry in the 1987 Who's Who Update. It even has the pull down gun reference shade!

See, years ago, Batman was all, "What do I do with this kid who thinks stealing hubcaps is fun? I know! Fay Gunn has a school to help set boys on the right track! I should be suspicious of her because she's Australian but I don't want to have to deal with another teenager in the Batcave!" But then Jason Todd found out most of the lessons were word problems about how many bills can fit in a sack with a dollar sign on it, or how many cops you can potentially kill with one pistol clip, and he snitched to Batman. That's probably what this flashback is going to reveal, right?

Ma Gunn is shooting Batman in the chest and not one of her boys. I suppose in this day and age, the villain has to engage in the physical confrontation themselves but Ma Gunn is a teacher, not a fighter! She should have Batman swarmed by her students! Although I guess she is the gun expert, so why not shoot the shit out of Batman? It's a good thing the story started at this point so I don't have to roll my eyes over how Ma Gunn got the drop on Batman, especially since my eyes still hurt from the first eye roll.

Ha ha! Instead of giving her a distinct personality, Lobdell chooses to make her aware of her roll as a villain and a fan of Tim Burton's Batman! So funny!

Ma Gunn did send her crime kids after Batman and he dutifully beat the shit out of every one of them. That's why he now needs to be taught a lesson...in crime! But Jason Todd saves the day by tackling the old lady through a window. It's okay if she breaks all of her hips and dies from future complications because she's a bad guy.

The scene shifts to the present where Red Hood is diving away from an explosion with Ma Gunn in his hands. Okay, so I guess she didn't die from complications arising from having all of her hips broken. Or maybe Jason Todd is just rescuing the stuffed corpse of Ma Gunn that's kept on display at her new and improved School for Wayward Boys. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Jason Todd uses his Narration Boxing to catch up all of the readers who did not pick up Rebirth because it probably sold out so quickly. I need to figure out an algorithm for how many Red Hood issues I actually need to purchase to follow the entire story. Would every other one do because Lobdell usually spends three or four pages explaining everything that happened in the previous issue? Or could I maybe get by with only every third issue?

Jason Todd is investigating a thing that happened in Rebirth. He's doing it by going undercover as a bad guy which was totally hard to do because most of the heroes were all, "What? Not Red Hood! He'd never walk the other side of the line! If by other side I mean the law side so yeah, I meant I believe he's a dick. Sorry for the confusion." And all of the villains were all, "That hero who murders us all constantly! Sure! Why not embrace him as one of us! Cool!" Jason saved Ma Gunn not because he has fond memories of her but because she has information he needs. Information about The Black Mask!

I know it's Rebirth but didn't we have all we could stand of Black Mask already? I don't see what makes him so captivating a villain. Is it because you don't know if he's going to shoot you or tie you up and stick a billy club in your ass?

Just in case you had any doubts that Black Mask's mask wasn't some kind of sexual fetish, let the zippered mouth oliterate them.

I suppose Scott Lobdell chose the Black Mask as the enemy because he and Jason Todd have so much in common. They're names are practically identical in that they share the same pattern: color and type of covering for the face and head. Maybe they can sing some Les Mis in the climactic battle! "Red! The color of my hood! Black! The color of my mask! Red! Blood leaking from my ass! Black! Sodomy feels so good!"

Black Mask has decided being a Batman villain wasn't good enough. He has decided to go all in on being a Scooby Doo villain. He's got the mask and now he's stealing real estate via the tactic of fear. Plus he's taking out Ma Gunn early so that his plans won't be ruined by any pesky kids.

Jason Todd wants to kill the Black Mask because that's Jason's usual solution to problems. "What? There's a criminal in Gotham doing criminal stuff? And a criminal told me they were going to do even more criminally criminal stuff! Boy oh boy! That means I should do the ultimate criminally criminal crime on them! That'll show them!" But instead, he's all, "Stupid Bruce made me promise not to kill anybody. He never lets me have any fun. He's worse than Ma Gunn!"

So now Jason Todd has to figure out another way to stop Black Mask. Like maybe find evidence that he was behind the bombing, give it to the police, and let the police and District Attorney deal with it? I mean, as long as the crazy District Attorney isn't on the case. And as long as he gives it to one of the five Gotham cops that aren't dirty. And as long as he makes sure Blackgate's guards aren't going to help Roman escape. And as long as...you know what? Fuck Bruce. Just kill the asshole.

This is the most disturbing image in the book.

I can't stand messy food. I mean, I'll eat messy food. But I eat it carefully and with a lot of napkins to wipe my lips and hands after every bite. But this carefree attitude some people have where they make a huge mess while eating? It drives me crazy. I hate Carls Jr commercials as much as the next feminist. Although I don't really care that they're making immature jokes about lesbian three way fist merry go rounds. I just can't stand that they always have shit dripping out of the burger being eaten. Be more careful! Don't you care about staining your clothes?! Don't you care about having sauce smeared all over your face and vagina?!

What's odd is that this aversion to mess doesn't extend to anything other than food. I will lay in the mess of sex and just roll over and go to sleep. Maybe I need Batman to kidnap me and take me back to my childhood home so I can confront my issue with messy food!

Jason Todd remembers some spectacular advice Batman once gave him about crime fighting: "It isn't enough to know your enemy. You have to know everything about them." Um. Hunh? You just said it wasn't enough to know your enemy! Why would you then tell me to know my enemy?! Give me some advice that takes a turn if you're going to start "It isn't enough," you ass-bat. Maybe he meant "know" in the Biblical sense. That's why he not only fucks Catwoman but he constantly gaslights her too! "It isn't enough to just fuck your enemy! You have to know how to totally fuck your enemy!" Hmm, this advice stuff is hard!

Red Hood decides to have a chat with Black Mask. Although I don't think he knows the dictionary definition of chat because it usually doesn't involve falling on one's head onto the hood of a moving car while emptying two pistols worth of bullets into guys with masks specifically designed to stick penises in.

This would be an exciting dictionary entry though, wouldn't it?

Black Mask's reaction to Todd's attack is to applaud and come in his pants. I think he wants to hire him!

Black Mask takes Red Hood out onto a ledge of a building to talk about his past relationships. He's all, "You might not realize it by the mask, but I have challenges concerning intimacy! That's why I fuck Gotham! I fuck her hard! In every dark corner! In every abandoned building! In every children's theater! I'll be there! Fucking and fucking until I'm totally disgusted with myself. It's probably why Batman doesn't like me. Because I bitch slap his woman on a nightly basis and call her a whore. That's the way she wants to be treated, and I'm the man to treat her that way! None of this slow caressing like The Penguin, or the intellectual thrill of The Riddler, or the hot, passionate quick fuck on a level surface before the apartment door can even shut of The Joker! No, Gotham likes it rough. That's why...you did get that's what the mask is about, right?"

Oh, Black Mask actually does point out the way other villains have treated her. It's not as accurate or entertaining as mine since Black Mask kind of slips away from his relationship metaphor. Unless what he means to say about Bane treating Gotham like a never-ending boxing match is that he's an abusive boyfriend. I suppose that's possible. This whole treating Gotham thing like a lover was what Scott Snyder used to make the Court of Owls so devastating to Batman. Batman hated the idea that somebody out there knew his lover more intimately than he did. I'm not suggesting Lobdell stole that theme for his Black Mask story! I'm just saying it's been done recently (and probably before that. I bet Alan Grant wrote a Zsasz story with that theme. I also won't bring up that the whole Red Hood undercover thing was taken from Grayson because that would be too much mayonnaise.

Oh, go on the date. At least five people are clamoring for a bisexual latino Jason Todd! And who better to write that than Scott Lobd...no wait. I just heard in my head what I was typing. Bad idea.

Sure, Black Mask! This makes sense! Why not take on a Bat-kid as your criminal heir! Hiring from outside the company never pissed off any of the people working their way up from the bottom before. I'm sure they'll all be totally cool with it. Especially since you headhunted a guy with a Bat-symbol on his chest. What could go wrong?! He may constantly be working for justice but did you see the footage where he shot the mayor in the head? He tried to kill one supposed good guy so I guess he can be trusted. Although how good really is the mayor of Gotham? I mean, if it was Hady, he fucking deserved it.

Black Mask puts Red Hood through a test. He asks him to kill some henchmen who failed him and Red Hood refuses. So Black Mask kills them anyway. Christ. Why would anybody be a henchman for Black Mask? Not only does he hire outside the company for the top positions, he kills you if you make a mistake! He must give great dental. If you know what I mean!

Red Hood fails the test by refusing to kill the henchmen. But it turns out failing the test is passing the test because Black Mask likes an employee who has a moral code! In other words, if the henchmen Black Mask just killed had said they refused to kill Ma Gunn due to their beliefs, Black Mask wouldn't have killed them? That doesn't seem right.

Red Hood's first job is to retrieve something from a train entering Gotham. But he can't go about it the normal way by picking it up when the train arrives at the station. No, he has to derail the train and take it from the crashed cars. Too bad Black Mask didn't tell him he would be picking up an Amazon. I mean, he could have hurt her in the train derailment! I think. Can Amazons get hurt? Anyway, her name is Artemis and she carries an axe so big that manga characters think it's ridiculous. I guess next issue Todd will fight her.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

The issue begins with Jason Todd stealing the tires off of the Batmobile.

Have you ever tried to get a floor jack under the front of a Camaro, let alone a Batmobile? Unless if you got a couple guys to help lift the car a bit, it's not possible. Therefore this scene has already ruined the comic for me! And why the bottle jack in the back as well?! Why so many different jacks, Todd?! Scott Lobdell is terrible!

That was a joke! I don't blame Lobdell for making a mess of the jacking up the Batmobile scene! That's Dexter Soy's fault! Or maybe it's just part of the characterization of Jason Todd. He just likes to be careful. Who wants a Batmobile falling on them while they take the tires? This just shows that Jason Todd thinks ahead and that he's strong enough to wander the neighborhood with a floor jack, probably two bottle jacks, four car stands, and a tire iron! He probably keeps them all in his hoodie because he wouldn't want to raise any suspicions!

Batman catches Jason Todd in the act and now it's time for Scott Lobdell to really execute that hilarious wit of his! Batman is all, "Serious serious!" And Jason Todd is all, "Snarky smarm, Batdick!" And Batman is all, "Eww! I'll show you! Want to get a sandwich?" Then Batman is all, "I really miss having a child in my cave. It could be fun having a surly little asshole running around! Want to be my sidekick?" And Jason Todd is all, "You'll never tame me!"

Since this is a Rebirth issue, I guess we're just getting a refresher on Jason Todd's origin. So I don't think Artemis and Jason will be doing it this issue. That's too bad! That's why I figured people were enjoying this book!

Oh wait! We're in the present now! Let the finger banging commence!

You can tell just how mature a person is by whether or not they've ever used the phrase "finger banging" seriously. I assure you, I was using it seriously! I mean ironically!

Red Hood is stopped by Batman before he can kill the mayor. That's when Red Hood says directly to the reader, "They say there are no straight lines in life. That it's all one big circle." Who says that? I've heard the line "There are no straight guys in life" that time I was propositioned by another man in my friend Doom Bunny's apartment. But I'm not sure I've heard that other thing about it being all one big circle. That sounds like maybe it's something out of the Big Book! But since I've never had an addictive personality, I've never read it! I should call my drunk...I mean my dad and ask him!

Anyway, Jason Todd defeats Batman because it's his comic book, and then he shoots the mayor in the face while Batman impotently watches. The only explanation for this is that Batman wanted the mayor dead and didn't mind playing at losing to see the job done. Oh, Batman! You're such a sly devil! Never killed anybody, my ass! Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

It's about the time of the story for Jason Todd to remember that he was once killed by The Joker. I hope he blames Batman like he always seems to do because he's not mature enough to blame himself!

In his memory of the event, Jason Todd mumbles an apology to Bruce just before he's blown up. Luckily he doesn't get too blown up or else he would have come out of that Lazarus Pit looking disgusting instead of sexy. And then where would his fans be?! I'll tell you where! Um, wherever small-minded idiots hang out! Like hot tubs you rent by the hour! Yeah! That's where they'd be! Ha ha! Burn!

If you're a fan of Jason Todd, I wasn't talking about you in particular! You obviously have good taste and intelligence because you actually read this far into my brilliant rambling!

Later, Batman shows up at Red Hood's hideout to thank him for killing the mayor. Probably.

Oh right! Trust the kid who murders indiscriminately! Oh wait? Is this the version of Jason Todd that kills willy-nilly? Or is this the version, in the same series, that chastises everybody not to kill? Luckily this is Rebirth so I can't disagree with whichever one Lobdell chooses to use this time around. As long as he, you know, sticks with it. Or at least gives a motivation for a sudden change.

Jason Todd asks Batman to let him infiltrate the seedy underworld of Gotham since they all think he tried to assassinate the mayor. Batman doesn't like the idea but he decides to let Jason do it. Of course Batman doesn't give up full control, being a completely manipulative micromanaging control freak! He points out that if Jason kills just one person, Batman will come for him. Jason pouts and decides to have a flashback.

In the flashback, Alfred takes a serious picture of Batman and Robin. Batman fucks it all up and smiles in it. What an idiot. I will say without a hint of hating myself for it that the scene is actually pretty good. But even a shit on clock is right once per day! Don't argue with that! You don't have all the details! The clock is broken and it has no hands but once a day it plays a recording that says, "I have been shit upon."

In the final scene where Jason Todd quotes the Rolling Stones, the reader gets to see the only two books Jason Todd has ever read: Rambo: First Blood and Where the Red Fern Grows. No wait! That's my high school friend Paul Bauerle! Jason Todd's two books are The Prince and The Art of War. Those don't shine any kind of new light on his character! Those are two books you would expect him to have read! It would have been much cuter if the books had been The Little Prince and The Art of the Deal. Okay, maybe that last one wouldn't have been cute at all.

The Review!
So far, not bad! But then this is kind of a one shot which avoids a lot of Lobdell's really weak spots. Like how he changes how one issue ended in the first few pages of the next issue. Or how he'll introduce a completely random plot thread to never follow up on. Or how he'll discard a premise he's been working on for a few issues to go in a different direction only to return to the original premise a few issues later without any compelling reason why. So this issue sets up the premise that Jason Todd is starring in his version of Grayson because that was super successful! I hope he remembers that's the premise by Issue #3! I'm sure Lobdell can pull it off as well as Seeley and Kind did! Although Lobdell isn't as funny as he thinks he is. Although that could be a description of me as well, so maybe I should just shut up already and say this comic book wasn't bad like I expected it to be.

Convergence: The Flash #2

Out of 22 Convergence two issue sets so far, I've only picked up three where both covers had the Chip Kidd Variant. All these mismatched covers are probably hurting my collection! I should sue my Local Comic Book Shop!

Last issue ended with Barry Allen running into Tangent Universe Superman. Normally I'd suggest that they run a foot race to decide the winner of this contest but since it was determined in DC Comics Presents #1 that they're equally as fast (unless the ending was actually more ambiguous than I remember), and since Tangent Universe Superman is a magic being, I'm going to suggest something completely wild for their competition: card tricks! Think about it! Magic Superman should know loads of card tricks because he's, you know, magic! And what is magic except legerdemain? And legerdemain means "having fast hands" or something. Which is totally in Barry's wheelhouse!

Now I have to ask Lord Google what a wheelhouse is and what it has to do with a person's talents! Oh! It has to do with steamboat captains hitting home runs! Now I get it!

Stop running your mouths and pick a card already!

This issue is called "Race to the Finish" because it is a comic book about The Flash. What else could Dan Abnett have called it? "Hanging Out With Mr. Allen"?

By page four, the only running pun is the title of the story. And Tangent Superman has simply talked the entire time while Barry keeps responding, "So, like, we're supposed to fight or something?" Tangent Superman gains my estimable esteem by pointing out how nonsensical the original Star Trek episodes were. You might think he just means the ones where advanced beings make lesser beings battle but those are actually the ones that make the most sense! What's better than watching two roosters claw each other to death, amirite?! When is the last time any of you watched the original Star Trek and weren't twelve years old? Especially the episodes written by Roddenberry. I wonder why nobody ever explained to Roddenberry that an analogy was a way of telling one story by telling a different story that has no seeming similarities to the story the writer actually wants to tell? I think Roddenberry just thought an analogy was telling a story about 1960s human civilization but in space with aliens that looked just like humans and were dealing with the exact same thing with which 1960s humans were dealing.

It's a good thing that fact is simple because those are the only facts Barry can understand! Zoom! I mean Zing!

If Tangent Superman were as smart as he's saying he is, he'd realize that he's not convincing Barry to fight him at all! He's just giving Barry something to prove. I don't care how smart and magical Tangent Superman might be. The Flash can travel through time! The Flash can run at the speed of light! The Flash can vibrate his molecules until I can think up a joke for this third sentence because that's how comedy works! Tangent Superman has already lost this battle.

Now I want to see a fight between Midnighter and The Flash. Can Midnighter predict everything The Flash is going to do when The Flash can do five million things before Midnighter can even finish predicting The Flash's second move?

They're ramping up to the card trick face-off! Tangent Superman is so smart I bet he's dumb in whimsy! So Barry will win by challenging him to Fifty-two Card Pick-up!

So far this has been eight pages of these two guys just talking on the roof of a hotel and it's been one of the best issues of Convergence yet! Finally some thinkers working through the problem without worrying about some kind of time limit. I guess Barry never has to worry about time limits, and Tangent Superman figures he's already won. All those other super heroes panic too easily and figure they need to throw the first punch or they might lose.

And then on page nine, Barry throws the first punch. I spoke too soon! Coward! (It's still the best Convergence match-up so far!)

The Flash and Tangent Superman punch each other for a few fairly silent pages and it's enjoyable. I'm actually enjoying a fight sequence! I think because it was set up so nicely with the talking and the speaking and The Flash's inferiority complex. Eventually Tangent Superman uses his powers to stop The Flash's synapses from firing which if you're into biology means that The Flash loses. I guess. What's a synapse?! Wasn't that a tech company in the eighties out of Silicon Valley? How does keeping them from making employees redundant stop The Flash in his tracks?! It must have to do with time travel.

The Flash admits (under duress though!) that Tangent Superman outclasses him. Once Tangent Superman drops the synapse block, The Flash tries to surrender but Tangent Superman wisely stops him. I love that Tangent Superman is supposed to be hyper-intelligent and he actually acts like it! This is the part where I give Dan Abnett a rimjob for actually writing characters well. A figurative rimjob!

Tangent Superman realizes that while everybody on Planet Brainiac is divorced from their timeline, Barry is "disconnected from all multiversal timelines." That's because the asshole created them all in that Tale of Two Flashes comic book! Jerko!

This page gave me goosebumps.

After realizing that Barry is needed in the battle against the Anti-Monitor or else all the multiverses will die (including Marvel's, probably!), Tangent Superman yields and allows The Flash to win. To save DC Comics, he sacrifices the Tangent Universe because does anybody actually care about it? Just throw it in the trash alongside Jim Lee's Wildstorm! Don't worry, fans of those Earths! They still exist in The New 52 Multiverse somewhere! I think!

The issue ends with Barry saying something about not running from his destiny because of course it does! The Flash needs to go to a support group so he can stop dropping running analogies into every story he's in!

Convergence: The Flash #2 Rating: I really enjoyed this one because it had smart characters talking like they're smart! I mean one smart character and Barry! Zip! I mean zing! I give it 9.5 Cosmic Treadmills out of 10! This comic ran circles around the other Convergence comics!

Divergence: New Suicide Squad
"An unstable, violent group has broken away from the League of Assassins and only the World's Greatest Villains stand a chance of stopping them!"

Oh boy! A Suicide Squad composed of the World's Greatest Villains instead of the usual C-Listers that make the group more interesting! Here we go again with Sean Ryan at the helm filling the Squad with ringers that we all know won't die! I think this comic book title needs a new title! How about World's Greatest Villains Squad?

It's weird how little faith DC Comics has in a Suicide Squad built up around C-Listers. They're thinking too hard about this comic book. Maybe it will fail with C-Listers since you really do need an all-star writer to make that book interesting. And I suppose they can't risk this book failing with the movie on the horizon and all. It's got to be on the shelves when the movie makes it popular. And now it's going to have to be composed of at least a good number of the characters in the movie Squad so that when movie fans pick it up, they won't be disappointed by finding a Squad full of characters they've never heard of. And of course, Harley Quinn must remain on the team to ensure a certain level of sales, even if she absolutely does not belong in this group.

The team battles a Rocket Red and Captain Boomerang acts brave and defeats it by murdering some soldiers and stealing a tank. Then when Amanda gives him some Warm Fuzzies, he says, "Tank you." That took me a minute to get the joke because I thought Sean Ryan was just trying to make him sound Australian and failing. Then some government types (you know? The kind that are always interfering with Task Force X?) decide to start ending the program somehow. To find out how, purchase New Suicide Squad #9! On sale in June! Or just read my commentary on it. Probably ready for public viewing in August! I'm so far behind!

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #1

I remember this issue!

About three in the morning, my downstairs neighbors began arguing with each other. Apparently the guy tried to slip his dick into her ass while they were fucking and she wasn't having any of it. At first I thought it was just my view of the world that made me interpret what I was hearing as an argument about buttsecks but then she said a few things that confirmed it like "It hurts!" and "You don't get it. You put your body inside of my body!" and "I have never had anything up there! I should know! It's my body!" and, most particularly, "Don't stick it in my ass!" His voice was just a deep rumble so I couldn't hear him but it seems like he was trying to convince her to go with it and then thought maybe the way to get her to say yes was to point out how other guys have fucked her in the ass which, according to her vehement reaction, wasn't true. At one point I thought I might have to either throw on some pants and go down to make sure she was okay or call the cops but she never sounded frightened just thoroughly pissed off at him. It was when I could finally hear him say, "You're my girlfriend! I'm not trying to rape you! I could go to jail!" (because that, of course, is the only reason not to rape, amirite?!) that I realized I might actually have to get involved. But she, still sounding firmly in control, loudly and forcefully told him to get out of her apartment three or four times after each of his mumbles. Then the door slammed and that was it. I'm sure they've already called each other this morning and made up. They yell at each other a lot between bouts of sex. Seems like a fun couple!

Seems to me that if you ever have to convince your partner that you're not trying to rape them, you're probably an asshole.

The issue begins with some people watching a performance of The Tempest. Why does it always seem to be that play which writers choose to use in their stories? It's probably the play I'm least familiar with. Although this time I get it! The players are transported to and trapped on a crazy island! Just like the characters in Earth-2 Metropolis have been trapped under a dome! And some guy named Caliban is important for some reason or other!

Oh! And if I didn't get it, the Silver Scarab points it out for me! Thanks, Hector!

The entire team has gathered to watch Jade's performance as Miranda. That's heavy handed as well because, you see, Miranda is a daughter and Jade is also a daughter! I don't know if I can remember the names of all of the Infinity Inc kids. I remember Sylvester Pemberton as the Star Spangled Kid and Starman's kid. And Hector Hall as the Silver Scarab and Hawkman's kid. And Hippolyta Hall (unless she wasn't married to Hector yet) as Fury and Wonder Woman's kid. And Todd Rice as Obsidian and Green Lantern's kid. And Jade Scott (except her first name was something else (and also her last name!)) as Jade and Obsidian's twin. And Big Lunk as Nuklon and The Atom's kid. And I can't remember Northwind's name at all or whose kid he was! I also may have gotten some of that information wrong. I never owned any Infinity Inc books. I just read my cousin's copies.

Todd has brought a "friend" along because remember how gay he turned out to be?! I don't think he came out until after Infinity Inc was cancelled, right? So they're playing the "just a friend" scene backstage to show how the whole team knew he was gay already anyway.

After the play, Jade heads off to find Brainwave Junior who missed her play. He lives in a rough part of town because he's a drunk. I guess he couldn't handle losing his powers. Unless he was a drunk before because he couldn't handle having his powers. Unless he was just a drunk because he liked drinking so much. Since it's a rough neighborhood, she's followed by a couple of thugs that took up thugging because they're nice guys that women never noticed because women don't realize that when somebody is nice and thoughtful, they deserve sex.

I don't understand how being nice is supposed to get you laid anyway! Isn't being sexy what gets you laid?! You know what also helps? Being confident and useful and independent! If you like somebody and you can't get their sexual attention by being nice to them, you should rescue some children from a burning building. They'll be all, "Let me take your pants off for you so I can put my mouth against your thingy!" But when you're nice to them, they just say, "Thank you! How sweet and kind you are!" See how my hypothetical situation involving being nice didn't result in getting laid? How could I have written that unless it isn't true? If you want sex, be sexy and confident. If you want romance, show yourself to be useful and independent. If you want to be an angry nice guy, keep playing Magic the Gathering and living with your parents.

Don't get mad at me for the Magic the Gathering comment! I play Magic the Gathering and I've had sex close to five times! But that's because I don't live with my parents. See how that works?

I call these guys thugs. It's funny but until all the recent hubbub about the word "thug", I only ever thought of the word in the context of comic book henchmen and black and white fifties crime movies. But it's totally used as a racist term now. If you're not talking about comic books, of course.

The word thug is a good example of how I've pointed out that the word "retard" will eventually be put to rest but the next polite term which we use for mentally handicapped people (I don't currently know what that is!) will just replace retard as a slur and we'll just have to think up a new one. It isn't that the word retard has any inherent negative connotations to it. It's just that mentally handicapped people were called mentally retarded because their mental growth was retarded for one reason or another. And since we called mentally handicapped people mentally retarded because that was the decided upon term, people began calling other people who weren't mentally handicapped "retarded" as an insult. So no matter what we call mentally handicapped people, some people will turn that term into an insult and we'll be back to square one. That's what thug has become. It absolutely, in certain circles, has become the new way to say nigger. Which is really fucking weird if you're a comic book fan because we all know thugs are the guys Batman beats up without any trouble on his way to get the leader. Are my thug Heroclix going to be deemed racist now?

Jade beats up the blond thug and tells his friend Choochie to take him home before the Citizen's Patrol picks them up. Jade's a fucking narc, man. She's probably going to take her drunk and unconscious friend Henry to an intervention now.

Oh yeah! It was Hippolyta Trevor! And then I think she hyphenated after the marriage?

The rest of the team are going about their daily lives when Telos breaks in with a special announcement. Infinity Inc gets to fight!

Because of this whole doming thing, does that mean Hippolyta and Hector's son Daniel will never be born and will never become the next Dream of The Endless?!

Apparently the team got a note that they would be heading to Hex's city to battle the Dogs of War. Since Hex comes from a weird post-apocalyptic future, they might be real dogs. The team hops in their spaceship and heads out to battle.

Sorry you guys drew this lot, Infinity. I'm going to have to side with Hex on this one.

Hex and Sylvester trade a couple of lines before Hex's pal Centurion screams, "Centurion shall draw first blood!" He then shoots some blasts out of his hands. Turning the page, the next panel has Hex explaining what happened. He says, "Well, Roman--ya blasted their ship ta pieces, and took out the fancy-pants with one shot." I guess Jerry and Ben (you might be thinking Ice Cream right now but I'm thinking Twin Peaks) ran out of room while scripting and drawing the comic book! I bet there was supposed to be a page with the blast hitting the ship and ship exploding and crashing into the ground. Or it was always meant to be this idiotic.

And that's pretty much how it ends. Infinity has once again found themselves in a shitty situation. At least this time it doesn't involve a bunch of tangled relationships and junior high school drama. It just involves possibly being killed in a plane crash. Next issue, Jonah Hex will probably shoot and kill them all.

Convergence: Infinity Inc #1 Rating: This issue, more than most of the others, has made me realize exactly what is wrong with Convergence. One twenty-two page issue isn't enough space to revisit Infinity Inc. It really isn't enough space to revisit any of these old characters which is one of the main problems with this Convergence deal. With all the space that's wasted with the Multiversal Thunderdome plot, and the characters having to talk about life under the dome, readers don't really get much time to reacquaint themselves with their old friends. I really appreciate the books that have spent most of the first issue trying to tell a story that avoids the dome and the Convergence as much as possible. The first few pages of this book captured a bit of that drama I expect from Infinity. Too bad that stuff didn't fill the book.

Convergence: The Flash #1

Barry Allen gets to live!

Barry Allen deserved to die in Crisis On Infinite Earths. The villain of any story must be punished at the end of the story or else you teach children that chaos, bedlam, and scoffing at laws pay off in the end. We can't have that. So Barry Allen, being the initial cause of the Infinite Earth Debacle, had to die as the chaos he created finally came to a close. It's simple arithmetic. By way of literature.

This issue manages to gain One Speed Force Point (The Flash earns Speed Force Points whenever the writer makes a pun based on The Flash's super speed or his name or anything else that I think is punny enough) right off the bat by calling itself "Out of the Running." What is it about The Flash that linked puns to his super power? Was that part of his origin that I missed? Is it because he gained his powers from a "flash" of lightning? That isn't really a pun but it's close enough to the level of puns one might find while reading a Flash comic book. Nobody really cares what happens in this story right? I haven't read it yet but I'm pretty sure it will be about how Barry Allen has learned to live without his powers or his city or Iris West for the last year. And then Planet Brainiac will challenge him to battle for Gotham's life and then the issue will end. Unless it's one of those issues that introduces the bad guy and lets Barry interact with them a little bit before it ends. Either way, it's the same story I've read twenty-seven times before this. So let's just count up the Speed Force Points and run along, shall we?

The title page garners two Speed Force Points! One for "Out of the Running" and one for Barry "flashing" the city.

The third page shows he has a treadmill in his bedroom (possibly of the cosmic variety) and even though he's also making coffee to keep himself moving, no Speed Force points are earned. He's still wearing his costume ring. Does that mean if he opens the ring, does a teeny, tiny costume fall out? You know, because shapeshifters seem to be stuck in the shape or at the size they were when the dome fell, so his suit can't grow, right? I wonder if Plastic Man is stuck in the form of a mailbox?

The treadmill is his cosmic treadmill. Barry just happened to be visiting from the 30th Century where he and Iris went to live. And while he was in town, the dome dropped down on him. And he lost his powers.

But he gained another Speed Force Point!

I hope this issue ends with Barry facing off against a bunch of gorillas from one of the other cities so that next issue can be called "Gorilla Warfare!" That's always a funny joke to use whenever Grodd appears!

Barry has decided that he's no use against the impenetrable dome so maybe he should leave it up to smarter, less boring depowered super heroes. Instead of helping find a way out of the dome, he runs. That's not worth a Speed Force Point. There's nothing funny about Barry running in the mornings! Even if he has to do it at normal speed!

This gets half a Speed Force Point for playing off the fact that Barry would normally say, "I'll be there in a flash!" Also, pagers! Ha ha!

Barry's lab assistant at the Gotham Police Department is a woman named Josie who wants Barry to be more than a coworker. But since he can't give up hope that he'll never find Iris again (especially since he has a cosmic treadmill that will allow him to go to any time to find her (also can't it take him to a time before he had sex with Josie so he technically didn't cheat on Iris? Just, you know, thinking out loud)). While thinking about how he's stuck in this other life that he isn't ready to accept, he thinks, "Maybe this is what life is going to be. I can't run from it." Bold text not mine! Thanks for making sure I caught that one, Tom Napolitano! That makes the score four and one half Speed Force Points so far. That's already a pretty good score and I'm not even halfway through this comic.

Barry skips having coffee with Josie because he has a date with Bruce. They talk about how Barry is a quitter and Bruce is a never-gonna-quitter. And then they end with a Speed Force Point!

Barry only understands advice in running analogies.

Barry leaves Bruce and takes a cab back to work. On the way, he gets a page from Josie about a crime scene nearby. Barry tells the cabbie that "it's faster on foot" and moves the Speed Force Point total to six and a half! And then Planet Brainiac chimes in with his blah blah fucking la dee blah.

When the dome falls, Barry runs off to talk to Bruce and realizes he has his super speed back. But not before some guy says, "That's right, buddy. Run and hide!" Ha ha ha! Ow. My sides!

And on the final page, The Flash meets his competition.

This must be Tangent Universe Superman.

Convergence: The Flash #1 Rating: Seven and a half Speed Force Points! That's a pretty good score although I think it's a bit low if this were truly representative of a Pre-Crisis Flash comic book. I think DC Editorial mandated three good puns per page back then. I wonder if Batman ever screamed at Barry to knock it off while on a Justice League mission. "You don't hear me talking about fucking bats all of the time, do you?!" And then of course everybody began pointing out all of his Batgear and then he'd stomp off in a huff.