Invasion! Book Three: World Without Heroes (December 1988)

Looks more like Heroes Without a World, amirite?!

The Cover
Somehow Bart Sears pulled a cover out of his ass that I appreciate. Did Bart Sears begin doing Artist Steroids in the early '90s? I don't know what they are but the symptoms are drawing all of your characters like they just took steroids and got done lifting at the gym. Here, they're all just regularly muscled and Wonder Woman isn't scaring my penis away. I think that's just because I'm old though. In 1988, I'm sure my penis was cowering inside me at the thought of a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and what she might want is for me to satisfy for her sexually. My penis, at 17, was definitely not up to that task and it knew it. I've heard from a comic book reading friend that Bart Sears got over his '90s fixation on drawing everybody like they were burly pieces of beef jerky but I'll have to take his word for it because I'm not in any hurry to hunt down any Bart Sears comic books. I'll never get the taste of early '90s Power Girl out of my mouth. Dammit. Now I'm horny.

The Story So Far
It doesn't matter! The first two Books told a complete and coherent story of the invasion of Earth by tall toothy bastards whose foreheads looked like they never missed a Wesley Willis concert! I once had the opportunity to headbutt Wesley Willis at his merch table when I went to see him decades ago in Portland but I was too nervous. How do you prepare yourself for meeting a man who beat Batman's ass? It's impossible.

I suppose the story so far is that the nerdiest Dominator of all time has developed a bomb that will disable the Meta-Gene in Earthlings. He's so hyped to stop getting Dominator Swirlies and Dominator Wedgies that he's going to break the terms of the Dominator's Unconditional Surrender to Earth and restore the Dominators to glory! In his mind, at least. Obviously he's going to wash out and wind up stuffed back in his Dominator locker.

The Story
Before I get to my little comic book, I want to post a quote from the book I'm currently reading, John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor (1960). I've owned this book for about 27 years and am finally getting around to reading it which is fitting if you know anything about the main character in the book. Anyway, here's the quote:

"I fear me what Father would say, did he hear of't."

"My dear fellow," Burlingame said, "we sit here on a blind rock careening through space; we are all rushing headlong to the grave. Think you the worms will care, when anon they make a meal of you, whether you spent your moment sighing wigless in your chamber, or sacked the golden towns of Montezuma? Lookee, the day's nigh spent; 'tis gone careering into time forever. Not a tale's length past we lined our bowels with dinner, and already they growl for more. We are dying men, Ebeneezer: i'faith, there's time for naught but bold resolves!"

Sure, this is sort of a standard profound thought, a bit of the old seize the day mundanity. Barth was 30 when he wrote this and there's a weird twilight zone in a young person's life where the realization that you only have the one life hits you pretty hard and you wonder what the fuck you're doing with it. But I just love the way this is expressed. The concept of how fast everything goes remains the theme throughout, that and nobody else caring what you do with your life, even the worms who will eventually eat you. It's not just about life going by fast; it's about not living for other people as well. I don't mean in an isolated, uncaring and selfish way! I mean in a don't let the authoritarian control freaks make you think twice about doing something you long to do. Look, maybe it's simpler if I just let somebody who expresses things better than me say it. Somebody like Chris Onstad:

It's fake ideas all the way down, man!

Not only is the rock careening through space: the space is careening through space! Everything is careening, faster and faster. If the planet is revolving around the sun at X speed and the sun is moving through space at Y speed and the galaxy is moving through space at Z speed and, and, and, well, it's all additive, you know? That's reality! Making sure you're home at 10 PM because your parents proclaimed that was your curfew? How the fuck does that stand up to what's really happening out past the roof, the atmosphere, the edge of the solar system?! Just fucking go for it, man!

At the moment, I may be a little drunk on misfiring brain chemicals due to reading and possibly genetics and I did drink a Monster energy drink because I hate my kidneys. Let me calm down a bit and we could get back to reading about that Nerd Dominator. I also need to process the loss of Todd McFarlane on this series. Gone too soon, especially when replaced by Bart Sears.

This is fucking page one. I guess we're just getting right into it, eh?

Okay, great, Gene Bomb deployed. What exactly does that mean? Earth will still be protected by Superman, Green Lantern, Batman, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Starfire, Nightwing, Blue Devil, The Spectre, Jason Blood & Etrigan, Doctor Fate, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and so, so many others. The meta-gene explains maybe — and this is being generous — fifty percent of Earth's heroes? Of course I'm only on page one and I'm bringing logic to an irrational gun fight. I bet Aquaman loses his powers because the entire race of Atlanteans are based on a meta-gene. And the Amazons too. And maybe Martian's have a meta-gene being that they're part of the Sol system so J'onn will just turn into a big green powerless gumby dude. And maybe Batman's meta-gene runs his memory so he'll forget his PIN and not be able to access his money so he'll lose all of his wonderful toys?

It turns out the Gene-Bomb doesn't immediately shut down the powers of every superhero. First, it makes their powers spike so they go out of control. In Moscow, Firestorm begins transmuting everything into everything else. In Manhattan, Captain Atom almost causes a nuclear incident. At JLI Headquarters, Fire begins barfing up green flame everywhere.

In the Dibny home, Sue considers divorce on the grounds of "My husband is gross."

Most of the heroes I named earlier aren't affected and they're called in to help stop the out of control heroes. The one exception in my list is Doctor Fate. Why is he out of control? He's not even really human when he's got the helmet on, right? Is this evidence that the Lords of Order are humans super evolved from the Meta-Gene?! I suppose Kent Nelson could have a Meta-Gene that allowed him to use the helmet effectively. I guess. I might as well let comic book logic lead my thinking or else how am I going to understand any of this shit?

By the end of Chapter One, the crisis is over. The non-affected heroes didn't defeat the out-of-control super-powered heroes. The out-of-control super-powered heroes just wore themselves out and collapsed. Having them collapse immediately after their meta-genes were turned off by the Gene Bomb would have resulted in a comic book with far less than 80 pages. And probably a really boring comic book. Also, without the sudden burst of power, how could Terra have come back to life?

Far, far away, Deathstork feels a mysterious movement in his pants.

All of the downed heroes are gathered in a large Lex-Corp medical facility where they're strapped to beds, hooked up to monitors, and supplied super bedpans. But the one thing the doctors don't do is remove any of their masks. Because even if they're dying, they wouldn't want their identities exposed! Also I don't know what kind of pillow they gave Firestorm since his head is still on fire. Were we still consciously using asbestos in 1992?

That bit about asbestos reminds me: I grew up in the '70s! That's my excuse for being as stupid as I am. I was huffing lead gasoline exhaust! I should get a medal for never becoming a violent criminal with all the lead, asbestos, and nuclear fallout from weapons testing I sucked down during my youth! Fuck, why didn't my Meta-Gene ever kick in?!

Since the medical community has failed at finding a way to reverse the meta-gene meltdown taking place (even the greatest scientists in the DCU like Doc Magnus, The Chief, Lex Luthor, and Dr. Megala), Hal, Guy, J'onn, Starman, Robotman, and fucking Dmitri the Rocket Red travel across the universe to have a word with the Dominators. They're obviously the cause even though there's no evidence as to the cause. Batman probably figured it out.

Guy stole my favorite line when I'm visiting the bath houses down on Castro in San Francisco.

The group run into Superman in orbit around Earth who claims he won't set foot back on Earth for some reason. He'll think twice when he's about to run out of oxygen. Why he needs oxygen when the yellow sun basically gives him everything he needs, I can't say. Maybe he just needs to keep some kind of gas in his lungs so they don't collapse in the vacuum of space? No wait. That's like backwards! Oh, never mind! I keep forgetting I'm reading a comic book and not a scientific journal!

While trying to find out while Superman won't go back to Earth, the Omega Men arrive in a star ship. They were headed to Earth to join the battle but it's over. So they agree to transport everybody to the Dominator's homeworld using their ship's hyperdrive.

Tigorr's an intelligent man. Err, cat. Um, man-cat?

Back on Earth, the heroes begin dying.

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Scott Fisher. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

It feels wrong that I used the whole "Who the fuck is that hero?" joke for two members of the Doom Patrol. But let's face it: it wasn't exactly the greatest run for those guys. And they needed to really start building up some solid wreckage so that Grant Morrison could crawl them out of it.

Apparently the person coming back to life in Markovia was Metamorpho and not Terra. That's too bad. Not that I'm not happy for Metamorpho. I just wanted more Terra. I guess I have to wait for fake Terra from the future (unless she wasn't fake?) in Team Titans! No wait. I already re-read Team Titans. I guess I'll never again have any Terra in my life!

The mission to the Dominator's home planet takes two seconds. Snapper Carr (who now has a super power because his Meta-Gene was activated by the Dominators in Book One and who is now a member of a superhero team named The Blasters) has the power of teleportation. He teleports J'onn to the surface of the planet where J'onn disguises himself as a Dominator (luckily one with a huge red spot). J'onn then infiltrates the locker where the Nerd Dominator has been stuffed, reads his mind, learns the antidote, and he leaves. That's it! They've got the cure! Story over!

Oh, right. They needed to fill 80 pages.

So all that's left is a bit of a space battle so that Superman and the Green Lanterns can have an excuse for being here (although Robotman, Starman, and Rocket Red really weren't needed in this entire plan). And we meet Frag who, I'm assuming, is one of Carr's Blaster buddies? But that's pretty much it. J'onn makes the cure, the team hyperspace back to Earth, Superman acts weird, and they explode the antidote in the atmosphere, curing everybody immediately!

Okay. Not everybody.

The Ranking!
If you don't take into account that Book Three was used as a launchpad for the whole "super powers are caused by a meta-gene" shit that DC will use to empty my pocketbooks with Bloodline a few years later, this really should have just been a two 80-page book series. This was an unnecessary third chapter! Maybe editorial also felt they needed to highlight the Earthlings that would become The Blasters since The Blasters was an new series about to hit the shelves that I'm positive absolutely nobody was interested in. Finally, the back cover proclaims, "We have no idea what we're doing! Did we need this third Book? Do we need a fourth?! Who wants more Meta-Gene stuff! DC! We're Putting the Meta-Gene Back Into Comics!"

Um. Yes?

Batman/Green Arrow: The Poison Tomorrow (December 1992)

This cover probably has you asking, "What is happening?" I'll tell you what's happening: you haven't even begun to ask "What is happening?" until you see the back cover.


You fuck one college professor for better grades and suddenly you're a "deadly temptress."

You still might be asking "What is happening?" so let me tell you: that's the look of a woman really enjoying her pudding.

The previous sentence sounded so much like a euphemism that I couldn't go on without addressing that it was absolutely earnest and sincerely not meant as a euphemism. It was as innocent as a woman enjoying her pudding can be.

So last issue is how I begin 90% of my comic book reviews but I can't begin this one that way because it's a Prestige Format One-Shot. Did that also sound like a sexual euphemism? I think DC did that one on purpose. Their offices are full of dirty old men and deadly temptress women.

I guess I'll begin this review how I begin the other 10%: this issue begins with this set of Narration Boxes.

And then I jizz in my pants.

The entire scene looks like this and it's fucking crazy because Batman's too nonchalant about discovering this professor in the act of whatever the fuck crazy shit the professor is up to. It's certainly not science. I mean, it could be science. Scientific experiments come in all shapes and animal-murdering sizes.

"Get out of here, Batman! I'm making spaghetti!"

I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't use animals in some of our scientific experiments; I'm suggesting that we share the results of our findings with them. Not a single mouse or rat should ever die from cancer again once we finally cure that shit. Doctors should have to treat six rats for every person once cancer cures begin.

Maybe Batman has seen so much violence in his life that he's absolutely desensitized to it. Maybe that's why he's so casual in the first panel. But then the neurons in his brain begin to fire and recognize that a man swinging an axe around and destroying everything in the room might indicate trouble. That's why Batman's tone suddenly changes and he's all, "Put it down. Now." But the professor is all, "Why should I? It's my axe and my tomato sauce. You're invading my space!" So he takes a swing at Batman with the axe which, if this is the Professor's property, is absolutely justified. If you're an asshole who fantasizes about killing somebody, I mean. I don't think you should swing an axe at somebody who opens the door to the room you're in and tries to confirm your identity indicating that maybe they know you or are looking for you. Swinging an axe at somebody who comes to your door just means you've been looking for the right moment to swing an axe at somebody where you might not immediately get shafted by a murder or manslaughter conviction.

Remember that time that drunk cop came home from a night of getting drunk and her keys wouldn't fit in the lock of her apartment and a Black guy answered the door, being that it was his door, and she shot him? Remember how (and I assure you this is true because I heard the right wing radio assholes suggest it, especially that one super pro-gun lady at the time who had her own show whom I absolutely hope is dead now) people suggested that he should have had his own gun and maybe it's his fault for not answering his door by immediately shooting the person on the other side of it? Remember how people turned logic upside down to insist that being on the side of the cop wasn't racism at all and just — oh, I don't fucking know. I can't think like these people — just plain murder?

Goddamn it! I'm just trying to read a simple Batman teams up with dumb Green Arrow to fight the sexy villainess lady and now I'm suddenly mad at idiot conservatives again! That isn't to suggest some conservatives aren't idiots. That's just a really good adjective to describe them all so I stuck it on there.

"No! My delicious tomato sauce!"

Turns out many of my assumptions were incorrect. I'm happy to admit that! Most people don't like to admit that their reading of a situation was wrong. It's one of the reasons so many cops and District Attorneys stick to their guns after they've arrested and convicted an innocent person, even when mounting evidence overwhelms any possibility of the person's guilt. If I'd just looked a little closer, I would have noticed that Batman hadn't come through a door but a rolling bay door, like in a warehouse or the back of a truck. It turns out Doctor Parsons had somehow gotten into the back of a random trucker's truck and began smashing it up. Batman must have gotten the call via Truck Stop Bat Signal and come to save the day. He's calm because he's sort of surprised. He's all, "Hey! I recognize that madman. He's a professor. Maybe I can talk some sense into him." And then the guy turns on him with the axe and Batman just offers a calm and well-advised opinion to drop the axe. Because, you know, Batman will make him if he doesn't and then he's going to spit out all of his tomato sauce.

Oh, that was another mistake I made: he wasn't making spaghetti at all. Whoops!

Does this truck driver not recognize Batman or is he just trying to casually discover Batman's CB handle?

His CB handle is probably just "The Batman", right? With the article capitalized?

As Batman's dragging the professor away, Green Arrow shows up out of nowhere asking about him. He even knows the professor's first name which probably gets under Batman's skin since Batman only remembered the guy's last name. Imagine being a rich conservative crime fighting vigilante with loads of cool bat-themed gadgets who knows less about the current case than some rank super liberal billionaire who uses a stupid bow to fight crime? So fucking embarrassing!

You didn't answer the question, motherfucker.

Oh? Batman doesn't allow law breaking in Gotham City? What is he? The fucking Pope of Gotham? Mr. Batdictator? Batman breaks every law there is (except for murder (but definitely not manslaughter. You know some henchmen have died in the care of doctors after Bats has broken two or three of their legs). Maybe Batman is just talking down to Green Arrow in a way that he believes will facilitate communication. He isn't going to get into a debate about justice with Green Arrow and whether it's just to take a man who's obviously having a mental or physical health crisis (possibly brought on by spoiled tomato sauce) into custody. So he firmly states, "The guy broke some laws. He's going to jail."

But Green Arrow, being smarter than Batman (as I pointed out earlier), sees how Batman is trying to manipulate him while also not answering the question directly.

Get his ass, Ollie!

Normally, one hero would pop off with the "I don't have time to explain!" bit so that you could get two heroes fighting which, I hear, some of the kids really love. I do not love that shit. I like when people are all, "There's time to explain because a long, drawn out fight where one of us could get seriously hurt will almost certainly take much longer than me explaining what's happening, especially since I know and respect you and realize that you will see the logic in my case." Why are we so willing to accept comic book stories where good guys beat the shit out of each other over a miscommunication or, even worse, lack of communicating at all? Are those the kinds of people we're supposed to be looking up to? Those that choose violence over reason and diplomacy?

I bring it up because Ollie, whom this comic book is making me truly love in just three or four panels even though I hate him as much as Aquaman for all the same biased reasons (lame costume, terrible skill set, small dick), actually deescalates the situation. You know, like a good liberal or progressive would!

Obviously Denny O'Neil has a strong love for and history with Green Arrow. And it fucking shows in this scene. This is the kind of shit I love.

Oliver explains that a few days ago, this Professor bit Black Canary while she was shopping. He, being a man, progressive or not, was waiting outside the store and saw the attack through the window. He rushed in and liberally beat the shit out of the guy. That's a good pun, right?! But it was too late! Dinah was already infected with this guy's creeping skin disease. When Oliver went to question the professor at the local jail, he found that he was already gone. He traced him to Gotham and that's where the story began. Now Ollie wants to take the professor back to Seattle because Dinah's infected with the same sickness he is. And he believes the professor knows the antidote, if they can get him to not be an absolute lunatic for the few minutes it would take to describe it.

The professor begins coughing like crazy in the back of the Batmobile so Batman decides to take them all to the hospital. On the way, the professor begins babbling about loving somebody so much. He then has his own little hallucinatory memory of how he contracted the disease.

Do you think this was a disease from her butt or her front butt?

I re-read Poison Ivy's Who's Who entry from the '80s series as research before reading this series. It turns out, according to Who's Who, Poison Ivy's main motivation is sex. She doesn't just want people to fuck her; she wants people to love fucking her. And if they won't even fuck her, she declares them her enemy. Which is why Batman, according to the Who's Who, is her biggest nemesis. Because he won't fuck her the most.

Immediately after remembering the best night of his life, the professor coughs up a little more Prego and dies. Green Arrow grabs him by the lapels and shakes the shit out of him because he learned CPR from a gorilla when he was trapped on that tropical island for years. Needless to type, Ollie is not successful at resuscitating the professor. Hopefully a doctor will be nearby when Dinah's time comes.

The professor's last words before he dies are not "Poison Ivy's bush was incredible!" They are "Luivy luver to the bone . . . gotta cure . . . skeleton's gotta cure -- *HNGHH*". Green Arrow begins to cry like the liberal snowflake he is (that was a compliment! Being liberal and able to show your emotions are good things!). Batman, unable to cope with any displays of emotion at all due to Joe Chill, interrupts Ollie with logical solutions: he knows a guy who would be willing to cut up this body without any prior notice! I bet he works at Arkham in the "let's experiment on violent felons" wing.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Poison Ivy puts on her boots in the sexiest manner possible.

If that man wasn't in a HAZMAT suit, he'd explode as soon as Ivy presented her nether bits in this way.

I'm not one to complain too much about the art of a comic book unless I'm feeling really sassy but couldn't Mike Netzer have drawn this panel from the perspective of the other side of the couch? So we'd be looking directly up Ivy's crotchport? I'm salivating at the possibilities! Somebody get me a HAZMAT suit, quick!

I would never be Poison Ivy's enemy! She'd love me so much because she'd be all, "You came so quickly! You must really enjoy fucking me!" Sure, those would be the last words I'd ever hear as my skin erupted in sixteen thousand botanical STDs. Totally worth it, though, right?

The man in the HAZMAT suit is some guy named Mr. Fenn. He's the business brains of whatever these two are up to while Poison Ivy is the artist. Every artist needs to cultivate a good friendship with a business person early in high school so that both can be successful in later years. Well, the business guy will probably be successful. But how come this stupid world expects artists to be good at both art and business if they want to exist in this capitalist fuckhole? It's totally unfair! Especially since I hated all the business types in high school and mistakenly made friends with a bunch of other useless artists! Dumb jerks!

Fenn and Ivy have concocted a plan to let loose a super STD on the world. Not for the kicks, mind you! I mean, Fenn doesn't think it's for the kicks but we all know how much Ivy fucking loves kicks. Fenn thinks they're going to profit from the cure and vaccine that Professor Parsons developed before he died. Fenn is concerned that the professor turned into a violent maniac but Ivy assured him that his violent outburst was because she deprived him of any more poontang and not from the disease itself. Fenn believes her because he's thinking too much with his money penis. If he were thinking with his brain penis, he probably would realize she's lying to him. He just wants to be super rich so badly!

You don't need to know who this guy is. He's just here for a mid-review jerk-off intermission. Have fun!

The autopsy guy Batman left the professor's body with delivers the results and Batman's first instinct is that the toxins which killed the professor were probably created by Poison Ivy. I'm glad he's such a good detective because this comic book is already 60 pages long. Who needs another twelve just to watch Batman investigate the professor's death?

After Fenn left Ivy's jungle "compound" earlier, the guards of her "compound" burned his HAZMAT suit with a flamethrower. That makes me think whatever toxins and viruses are floating around Ivy's place are pretty contagious and somebody leaving the premises probably could be carrying many of the contagions out into the wider world. Fenn doesn't think like that because when he visits her the next day, she gives him a shot of the vaccine and he immediately tosses the HAZMAT suit aside. He plans on going directly to his kid's little league game after this so why bother with precautions, right?

Oh, never mind. He's never going to make it to the kid's game anyway, is he?

A few hours? I was under the impression that fucking is measured in minutes? Does Fenn think she's offering to play some Monopoly?

I love how horny '80s and '90s Poison Ivy is! She really is an iconic diva!

While Poison Ivy fucks Fenn for hours, probably loading up with way more STDs than the professor had, Batman and Green Arrow wait around until nightfall before heading out to investigate. Their first stop: investigate the professor's hotel room. What they find waiting for them there are several men in HAZMAT suits with machine guns waiting to terminate him.

What? Are you havin' a laugh? Of course he'd rather mess with the idiot with the bow over Batman! Easy choice!

Batman recognizes a bunch of these henchmen and knows for whom they work. Green Arrow doesn't really care; he just wants to know how hard to beat them up so they'll tell him where to find the cure for Dinah. Batman puts together all the clues and realizes he knows where Poison Ivy's currently headquartered. They head out while Poison Ivy reveals her real plans that have nothing to do with making stupid bankers and businessmen richer than they already fucking are. What does she want with money when money's destroying the world? Better to destroy humanity to help get the planet back on track. Not that the planet really needs any help in the long run. It can take care of itself. Just tweak a few variables and kill off all life for a few million years until somehow, somewhere, another spark occurs and life returns to change the entire face of the world again. And maybe this time, it won't get too smart for its own good.

I guess I should mention who the hot guy from earlier is because he's Ivy's actual partner in all this. And by partner, I might mean sex toy. He's just another person who, like Ivy, is immune to the disease that the Professor died from. And now she's sent Fenn into the world as a carrier himself. And he'll pass it on to his kids and his business contacts and they'll pass it on to Wendy's employees and sex workers and they'll pass it on to dog walkers and trash collectors and pretty soon, 99% of humanity finds itself dead! So it's worse than Green Arrow thought! This isn't just about saving Dinah! It's about saving, um, well, you know what? I bet, for Ollie, it's still just about saving Dinah.

Ollie's never heard of Poison Ivy so Batman loads up the Who's Who on the Batmobile Mobile Computer and gives Oliver the salient points.

Rule #1: Don't fuck her. Rule #2: GODDAMMIT WEREN'T YOU LISTENING I SAID DON'T FUCK HER!

Sure, a gentleman doesn't discuss fucking a woman when he hasn't fucked her. But a pig does discuss fucking a woman when he hasn't fucked her! But does a gentlemen actually not discuss fucking a woman when he's actually fucked her? This whole line of questioning is getting gross because it's literally turning women into objects! Grammar joke!

On the way to Ivy's hideout in a toxic superfund site 80 miles outside of Gotham called Appleville, Batman and Green Arrow pass a baby food truck loaded with Ivy's deadly sex toxins. Only after Batman and Green Arrow beat up the guards at Ivy's complex, Batman figures out Ivy's plan.

Oliver isn't too smart. Or Denny just assume us readers ain't too smart. Either way works for me!

Batman points out the plan is to poison babies and Oliver is all, "Why are you so obsessed with babies, you fucking billionaire pedocon!" No, actually, it's worse than that. Batman lays out the reason for needing to go after the trucks immediately instead of finding Poison Ivy. He points out the toxins are in baby food. Going to babies. Shipped as they speak. To store quite nearby in Gotham. And Ollie is all:

I don't know how Batman keeps from slapping him.

You know what? That panel is even worse than I thought! I just assumed that Oliver got the gist of what Batman was saying on the panel where's he's mentioning babies every other panel. And then I assumed his reaction, "There are a lot of trucks," was his argument against going after the baby food truck because, you know, how are you going to find it now that's it on a highway full of trucks! But it turns out, Batman still needs to explain what the fuck is going on to this thick-skulled dunderhead because it takes another half page of Batman explicating the situation before Ollie does this:

"I should have had fifteen V-8s!"

I don't think Denny was trying to make Oliver look stupid; I think he was trying to make Batman look like a great detective. Sometimes you don't achieve the goals you set out for yourself when you begin writing!

Also, Oliver Queen is sick with worry over Black Canary. I shouldn't be so hard on him when he can't understand what Batman's trying to tell him. Plus I don't actually know how thick Batman's Gotham accent is. Perhaps Oliver isn't catching every fucking word because Batman sounds like an ignoramus.

I don't mean to suggest that everybody who has an accent sounds like an ignoramus! But I do think Gotham's street accent would probably be a kind of cross between the worst New Jersey accent coupled with the heaviest Boston accent, with a little bit of Pittsburgh in it when Batman gets excited. I know he's a rich fuck who probably sounds posh, especially since Alfred would have whipped the accent right out of him if he'd had one, but I like to think Batman spends so much time with the criminal element and the people on the street (as well as the cops; local cops always keep the strongest accents, right?) that maybe he can't help talking like just another Gothamite.

Even after Oliver realizes hundreds, maybe thousands, of babies are in danger, he opts to stay behind in the hopes of catching Poison Ivy and saving Dinah. Batman's all, "One life already half-lived versus thousands of lives yet to get a chance? Okay, I guess." Oliver's counter-argument is "You wouldn't understand love, you monster!" Somehow Batman resists turning around and yelling, "Oh yeah! Well I fuck Catwoman all the time!" I guess cause he's a gentleman?

Meanwhile, Ivy is still feeling horny.

Batman catches up to the truck on a bridge. The truck, being driven by Ivy's henchmen, tries to force the Batmobile off the bridge. It's crushed between the guardrails and the truck so Batman abandons it, leaps to the driver's door, and knocks him out in one punch. This results in Batman killing the two men in the cab but later explaining how he didn't kill them! Bad driving did!

"You should have learned to drive unconscious, you fool!"

I'm assuming these guys die from this page but I'm sure it doesn't happen, being that Batman never kills even when he's not in total control of a situation like this where he's now relying on pure luck that these men survive the fall into the bay. He'll probably save them from drowning and tie them up on the shore before returning to help Green Arrow. That's when the guys will die of exposure before the cops find them, probably.

Back at Ivy's compound, after putting on one of the unconscious guards' HAZMAT suits, Green Arrow begins searching for Ivy. What he finds is Jason, Ivy's sexy boy toy. Jason has a shotgun but he doesn't blow Green Arrow away because he knows Ivy loves to jerk off to him kicking the shit out of people. And Green Arrow doesn't shoot Jason in the throat with an arrow because he can't operate his bow in the bulky suit. After getting several fractures and being kicked in the balls at least once, Oliver realizes he'll have to remove the suit to engage in proper fisticuffs. And since his ultimate goal is to get the cure for Black Canary, who cares if he gets infected too, right? They'll either live together or die together! Batman could never understand that!

I was speaking from Ollie's perspective there. I think Batman does understand love. He wouldn't be doing the insane shit he does nightly if he didn't know how to love. He's like Socrates in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Batman loves baseball. And billiards. But most of all, he loves . . . he loves Gotham City!

Oliver beats Jason once Ollie sheds his suit. After the battle, Poison Ivy tries to fuck him.

Later, after Oliver has saved Dinah's life and they've locked themselves in a penthouse apartment to celebrate all night, Dinah will turn to Ollie and ask, "Dear. Why is your penis green?"

Oliver's tempted because as we saw on the back cover, Ivy is a deadly temptress. But at the last second, he shoves her junk out of his face and screams, "No! That's my purse! I don't know you!" After that, Poison Ivy points out that the antidote doesn't exist and everybody's going to die so, you know, they might as well fuck. At least Oliver has the choice of getting laid one last time before he dies. It's better than what Batman gave the truck drivers he just killed. Yes, that's right. He killed them!

I guess if he never checks to see if they survived, he never has to deal with the guilt of having killed them! Genius!

Obviously I'm teasing about Batman having killed these men. Batman isn't responsible for their deaths at all. People have to take way more responsibility for the circumstances that lead to their eventual downfall and stop blaming other people for their own terrible choices. See, these men were going to kill many, many babies. And Batman just wanted to stop the truck and destroy the tainted baby food. But they tried to drive him off the bridge. Then when his Batmobile was smashed into oblivion, he did the only thing he could. He jumped to the truck and tried to stop it by knocking the driver unconscious. Obviously Batman would have steered the truck to safety and saved both the men and all of the babies around the world. But the stupid passenger chose violence.

See?! That's why the truck went off he bridge! Not Batman's fault at all. Leave the poor guy alone!

I'm sorry I hid this information from you so that I could make Batman look guilty of murder. It was poor form! This other truck driving idiot chose to swerve the truck into the railing of the bridge in an effort to shake Batman from the truck. I suppose if you're a really cynical asshole, you can point out that they never would have died if they weren't so afraid of Batman catching them. But then I could just go back further and point out Batman never would have needed to stop them if they weren't about to kill five million babies. Sheesh! Learn to argue, Internet!

Back at Ivy's place, she finds she has about five free minutes being that she and Ollie don't fuck. So she explains her plan to Oliver.

Is this the first story where we see Ivy as an eco-terrorist? Or was that already well established?

While Ivy and Arrow discuss the horrible future Batman just stopped from happening, Fenn, Ivy's business partner, has taken his children up in a helicopter to fly by Ivy's compound and set off a bunch of explosives he's supposedly had placed there. He doesn't want her eventually exposing him in their plan, thinking he still has a legitimate cure and vaccine. He tells his children all about how he's going to blow up this woman so that she doesn't expose him. I guess he really fucking trusts his kids, hunh?

Don't worry! Green Arrow, a normal man with no powers or protective equipment, survives this not-as-massive-as-it-looks-I-guess explosion!

Ivy is knocked unconscious in the explosion but Green Arrow and Poison Ivy are separated in the explosion and Ollie can't save her. He barely escapes with his life and collapses outside the gate. Batman arrives just in time to cradle him intimately when Jason, the buff dude, comes out of nowhere and strikes Batman from behind. Batman throws a wild punch as he falls unconscious, knocking Jason out as well. Then Ollie passes out thinking, "Maybe I could have saved her. Maybe I didn't want to." Then everything fades to black and they all die from the toxins, I guess.

Time passes. Oliver's in the hospital being treated for his burns while Batman visits him. Ollie tells Batman they're all going to die now because he infected them all. But Batman, being the great detective he is, realized what the professor was trying to say just before he died of Ivy's toxins and also a massive orgasm while thinking about the time he fucked her. He said that thing about skeletons and Batman realized it meant the cure was a bone marrow transplant using the bone marrow from somebody immune to the toxins! But since Poison Ivy has gone missing, they used Jason's bone marrow to save everybody! With his consent, of course. He was happy to help Green Arrow because Poison Ivy showed such interest in his penis. Man, I bet even Dinah would have had to forgive him if he'd actually fucked Ivy! What a missed opportunity!

Batman realizes there's one last thread to torture: Fenn. So he visits him at his home to torment him with the inevitable death of his kids.

Justice!

Batman/Green Arrow: The Poison Tomorrow Rating: A+. Exactly what I'd expect from Denny O'Neil: an engaging story with characters following well-thought-out motivations in a situation more realistic than many super hero comics tend to deal with. I say that after having, according to my blog, only read Denny's Sword of Azrael series which I moaned about the entire time. But mostly because I hate Jean Paul Valley and also because The Order of St. Dumas was eventually done so much better by Scott Snyder as The Court of Owls! I'm sure I've read other Denny O'Neil books in my time but I can't remember them off-hand (although two more will follow this as I just happen to have a bunch of Denny books all stacked together (not because I would have organized them that way (my organization skills are only just the other side of completely random) but because he just happened to write a bunch of Bat titles around the same time in 1992)). But I'm sure they were mostly as well done as this book! Plus Poison Ivy was so fucking horny! I thought for sure there would wind up being a plot reason for why she was sucking her finger in every other panel but you know what? There wasn't! She was just really fucking hot to trot!

Justice League America #51 (June 1991)

I'll eat my own asshole if this is a Space Cabbie story.

I must want to eat my own asshole because the only writer I can remember doing a Space Cabbie story was Keith Giffen. Didn't he do some Space Cabbie stuff in Threshold during the New 52? Fuck, I think he did. So I guess my next question is "What condiments go with asshole?"

I'm not against eating asshole but I don't think I'm limber enough to make good on my declaration to eat my own!

This issue is called "My Dinner with G'nort" which makes me think, "Is somebody eating G'nort's asshole?" No wait! I meant it makes think, "Were Justice League fans pissed during this series having to read so many G'nort-centric issues?" Imagine being a huge fan of the big 3 and 1/2 (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and excitedly picking up this next volume of the Justice League only to find stories about G'nort, Guy and Ice dating, some fool named General Glory, Barda leaving her rod in an unlocked car, and the Injustice League. People think comic book fans have only become grouchy, bitter assholes in the Internet age but I guarantee you, they have always been grouchy, bitter assholes. This shit would have pissed them the fuck off. It's just that the grouchiest and most bitterest of them could never get their letters printed in a comic book because of those Goddamned gate-keeping editors, picking and choosing only the most civilized angry letters! And even then, they occasionally let a real whopper through as an example of the kind of fan you never want to be. Like the guy who wrote the letter concerning the Tales of the Teen Titans Presents: Starfire issue about Apartheid where he was all, "Why did you have to portray all the white people as bad guys?! Not all white people! Have you heard about black-on-black crime? I have but I ignore all the context of it and just like to point out how black Americans should be more afraid of black Americans than white Americans based on Chicago!" I don't think Chicago was a go-to dog whistle back then but does it matter? You know that guy who wrote that "Not all white people!" letter about an Apartheid story would have whistled at that Chicago dog (no ketchup) if he'd been around today!

Normally I would capitalize "Black Americans" but it was inside the quote of an angry comic book nerd from the late '80s who was also a racist caricature so I wrote it how he would have written it. Also, I would not capitalize "white Americans" ever. I won't debate anybody on why that is because the kind of people who would want to debate me on it are also the kind of people who usually profess how they're self-educated so they can figure it out by educating themselves online.

J'onn, being the most mature and polite member of the Justice League, greets G'nort as politely as anybody possibly can.

The only members of the League not busy are L'ron, J'onn, and K'ilowog. Kilowog being in this month's issue must have been a headache for fans who love continuity! Kilowog being in New York and Starroshire-by-the-Sea in the same month! Also, what are all the other members of the Justice League up to? It's not like DeMatteis can say they're on a space mission the way he would say Superman is on a space mission anytime there was a threat to Earth that Superman could solve too quickly for a three story arc. Maybe there's a barbecue at Scott and Barda's place upstate. Also, J'onn says Kilowog isn't busy but he's been fixing the washer and dryer and taking a two hour bath! How is that not being busy?

Martian Manhunter manages to ditch G'nort, pretending to go engage in a sacred Martian meditation ritual when we all know he's just going off to mainline Oreos. So G'nort hangs out with General Glory's dog, Liberty the Wonder Dog, and Kilowog. Too bad Blue Beetle isn't around to begin a discussion about which one is the ugliest.

Kilowog must really hate humans. First he tries to ditch Justice League Europe to hang out with Starro. And now he's excited to ditch Justice League America to hang out with G'nort.

Kilowog is just a great guy and an alien booster. Unlike so many other heroes, he isn't prejudiced against non-Earthlings. Batman and Superman will go on and on about how they don't kill but as soon as they face an alien threat? They fucking cut those bastards up into filets! At least Kilowog sees the humanity in other aliens. Um, you know what I mean.

So this is Fire being too "busy" to party with G'nort?! Or is J'onn just a massive fucking liar?!

Maybe J'onn isn't a liar! Maybe there's a meta reason for Fire looking not busy at all. Adam Hughes probably doesn't really pay attention to the character's dialogue so he didn't know Fire was supposed be busy. And then he got bored and disgusted drawing ugly characters like Liberty, G'nort, Kilowog, and J'onn, so he decided to take a moment to draw Fire and her titties. If this had been a comic drawn by David Finch, Fire would have been in a towel stepping out of the shower.

Speaking of David Finch, did The White Rabbit ever return to the DC Universe after her one or two appearances in The New 52? I'm assuming she did not ever appear again because she was a terrible fucking character and only existed so David Finch can draw a nearly naked woman in situations other than having just stepped out of the shower.

Kilowog and G'nort decide to hit some bars and hit on some babes. J'onn, who really needs to relax and learn to trust other people whom he believes are his responsibility but actually aren't, realizes that they might embarrass him so he decides to chaperone. Embarrass him. As if it's all about J'onn! The only responsible and mature person in the entire world! Apparently green Martians are stuck-up, arrogant, pricks with huge anti-fun sticks up their asses. Give me a white Martian to pal around with any day!

The three aliens go buy suits for their night out because that's funny, I guess? Seeing aliens in suits? It's a weird choice being that they're in 1990's New York City and not 1940's New York City. Who goes out for a night on the town in a fucking suit?! Oh, wait. Now I'm like Adam Hughes and not reading the dialogue! Apparently they're going to dinner and a Broadway show. I guess a suit is acceptable for that. Not that I'd know owning exactly zero suits and having never been to a Broadway show and only occasionally eating dinner sitting in a restaurant as opposed to standing at a food truck counter or gobbling from a bag while seated in a stuffy vehicle. I have been to musicals though! Just never been to New York.

While everybody is away, Booster Gold wanders into the Embassy.

The Biblical allusion works well for Booster because he does spend his money recklessly.

Do people actually know what "prodigal" means or do they just assume it means "somebody who was missing for a long time"? I suppose it doesn't matter since it's a Bible reference which, if I assume people understand the reference and the meaning of "prodigal," they simply use it to mean "I've been gone for a long time and now, like the son who recklessly spent his portion of his pre-inheritance, I've returned home!" Man, I've got to stop fixing plot and continuity holes in reality for ignorant people! No more excuses for people who say things like, "You've got another thing coming!" Just going to shake my head and look down on them as I walk away trying to rub the dog shit off of my shoe in the wet grass.

Booster, finding nobody to goof off with, decides to hang around with L'ron, probably because he reminds him of Skeets. Where is Skeets, anyway? He's probably getting his insides filled up by Mr. Mind right now. Take that as you will.

J'onn, Kilowog, and G'nort choose to see Cats because J'onn might be a telepath but he's pretty shit at forecasting the obvious results of basic choices. It's not like every member of the Justice League uses some sort of canine insult on G'nort about two and a half times per panel! And J'onn couldn't see that taking G'nort to a musical with a bunch of people in cat costumes wasn't going to be trouble?! Of course he jumped on stage and tried to eat them! I'm not even dog-like and I would probably have trouble not jumping on stage and licking some of those performers!

If Cats were using totally honest advertising, the marquee would just read Nipples.

I don't know what plays were on Broadway in 1991 but imagine choosing Cats over any other one of them. How the fuck did that spectacle run for so long on Broadway? Oh, wait. I think I already answered that question with the "nipples" bit.

Since the play went so poorly, J'onn nearly cancels dinner. But in the end, he relents because Martians never learn. They decide to have dinner in whatever tower of the World Trade Center had a restaurant (probably both but, never having owned a suit or been to New York, I wouldn't know). Also dining there: Black Hand and his henchmen! He's just recovered from his beatdown by Guy Gardner at the porn theater. After months of therapy, he's decided all of his problems were caused by his father. Jesus, who needs months of therapy to learn that?! Just spend one evening with your father and you can realize that! Or does that say too much about me and my relationship with my dad? If so, ignore it! I don't want you fuckers knowing intimate details like that about me!

Black Hand notices Martian Manhunter when J'onn is talked out of letting down his disguise for one moment and, well, I guess Black Hand still wants to kill his father.

Good thing J'onn doesn't look like Black Hand's mother.

Hopefully seeing an image of two people falling out of a window of the World Trade Center doesn't traumatize anybody. If it does, just try to remember that G'nort has a power ring and they'll be okay. Also that they're fictional characters.

J'onn manages to save G'nort and Black Hand because G'nort's "ring" was in J'onn's "pocket." I put "ring" in quotes because G'nort's ring is actually more of a bracelet thing that fits around his paw. And I put "pocket" in quotes because J'onn's suit was just part of his transformation into looking human. So G'nort's "ring" was really just in, like, a flap of J'onn's skin. Gross.

Black Hand winds up in a place called "The Home for the Terminally Bewildered." He'll only be incarcerated there long enough for Geoff Johns to rebrand him as a real threat and start up that whole Blackest Day shit.

Justice League America #51 Rating: B+. I'm not sure if the world needs the Justice League. I haven't been paying close attention but I don't think they've really saved the world at all. At most, maybe twice. Definitely once when J'onn took out Despero. But did any of the other fifty issues tell a story where the JLA saved the world? I really don't think so! But that's what fans came to expect of the Justice League during these years. The members just participated in silly stories right up until things got super serious (which should be in an issue or two!). And as far as silly stories go, this one was pretty entertaining. I enjoyed Kilowog getting a role in the alpha story. And G'nort, while still being treated in a disrespectful manner and constantly compared to a dog (which he fully participates in at this point), was far less annoying than he can be. Plus Booster and Beetle had some best friend time in the beta stroy which I didn't really discuss much! It's really just part of the main story where they bet L'ron that J'onn and Kilowog and G'nort are going to wind up in trouble. They win that bet, of course. They're quite familiar with the Justice League's fifty issue track record of not really doing anything heroic.

I don't remember why I'm supposed to eat my own asshole but I guess I promised to do it or something so . . . see you next time!

Justice League Europe #21 (December 1990)

I was going to critique this cover but I looked up Marshall Rogers, discovered he died in 2007, and now I'm not in the mood. So, um, this is the greatest cover ever!

I should say to myself, "Marshall Rogers did the art in the last issue and I liked it much better than Bart Sears so even if I point out the failings in this cover, it doesn't mean I'm shitting all over Marshall Rogers' art entirely! I complimented him in the last issue for the way he remained true to Bart Sears' versions of the Justice League but he didn't make them look like they were shooting up five kinds of steroids." What's really weird is that I looked up Marshall Rogers to see if he were still alive because I didn't want to hurt his feelings when I shit all over this cover and then I found out he was dead and I couldn't bring myself to shit all over his cover! So now I don't know what my brain expects me to do! How about a personal anecdote?!

Marshall Rogers lived in Fremont, California. That's where my Aunt Lol and Uncle John lived. Their house was the first place I remember going for huge family Christmases. When you walked into their house, just to the right was a conversation pit which was a truly magnificent room that Americans have forgotten about but which still remains the greatest room of any house which has one. By the end of the night, with so many family members opening presents (my great grandmother on my grandmother's side had nine children and all of them and their kids and their kids' kids were at these Christmas Eve celebrations), the house looked exactly like the cover of this comic book (minus the weird guy with the long neck). Also, our Christmases looked about five thousand times better than this.

Last issue ended with the Justice League's French Embassy imploding from one of Kilowog's dangerous contraptions. This resulted in this issue beginning with the news that the Justice League has been transferred to London. That could never happen today because there are these gigantic idiots called Brexiteers who decided to fuck their country in the face based entirely on their xenophobia. Sure, the United Kingdom is still technically part of Europe but they've made the bold stand to strengthen their borders and make it a huge aggravation for their citizens to do any sort of work abroad as well. Why can't old people just die in piece and let young people control the world that's going to be theirs for so much longer? And I'm saying that as a 51-year-old man! Why would I want to limit the freedoms of young people? I don't! I wish people older than fifty couldn't vote or participate in jury selection! Mostly because I'm too lazy and want an excuse to stop doing those things. I mean, I don't do jury duty but I would love to do it, especially if I could help convict a cop! But I'm the only employee of my own service business who works nights and jury duty would absolutely fuck my life and kill my business. But I still dream about helping to put a cop in jail! Oh if only I could have been a resident on that island where they built the Wicker Man every spring!

After getting to page two and seeing Catherine's hair which is way too much like Bart Sears' version of her hair and not at all like last issue Catherine's hair, I notice that the inker of this issue is different than the inker of last issue. Mostly, I ignore how inkers make or break a penciller's work. But I have come to the conclusion, based on this issue's cover and Catherine's hair, that Bob Smith inks Marshall Rogers way better than Joe Rubenstein does. I don't know how it all works or who is improving or hurting whose art. I just know Rogers and Smith is greater than Rogers and Rubenstein.

Inker and Penciller math was always my worst subject in comic book review school.

I don't fucking get it. This isn't anything like the art from last issue. Do pencillers have any control at all?! Should I have been praising inkers all of this time?!

What is this ache in the center of my chest? What are these strange electric impulses firing through my brain? Do I . . . Do I miss Bart Sears' art?! It may have been terrible but at least it felt like a professional doing terrible work. This feels like a 7th grade art student doing their best work (which isn't very good)! How vague are Rogers' pencils if they can be interpreted so differently by two different inkers?! What the fuck is going on?!

I really don't know why I still read comic books.

Max Lord relieves Captain Atom of leadership over Embassy matters and promotes Catherine to the position and putting her job in line with what all the readers assumed was her job already anyway. Captain Atom just leads the team in matters of beating the pulp out of bad guys, a job he's much more suited to. The rest of the team go shopping for new everythings seeing that everything they owned was destroyed in the implosion of the Paris Embassy. And Max Lord is paying the bill!

Kara's bikini having been mentioned last issue, Rogers and Rubenstein decide they needed to draw what that would have looked like.

I've stopped reading the letter pages so I won't have to read comic book fans verbally jerking off to this panel in a month or two.

Is it weird that I'm glad I don't have to read comic book fans verbally jerking off to cheesecake superhero shots when it's practically all I do in my commentaries?! I don't think it's weird because that's the joke! That I'm one of those inappropriately horny comic book nerds who just want as much tits and ass as possible in their comic books. Another joke is when I'm passionately angry about something trivial! Another joke is that I've never had sex! It's all stage magic, man! You know when I write that I want to fuck Lobo? Spoiler alert: I don't really want to fuck Lobo! It's a bit I'm doing! An extremely online character! I'm always amazed when people can't parse the idea that most of what I write is facetious and hyperbolic. But then again, when people treat what I've written as gospel, I don't get upset about it because what was I expecting?! Not to be taken at my word?! That might also be why I have such a tiny audience. Most people are looking for earnest, easily parsed mediocrity. They don't want to read things that make them instantly feel one way and then have to recalibrate their feelings when they discover whatever dumb thing I truly meant! It's also why so many people online get so angry when they've misinterpreted something. Usually they stick to their guns and decide that you're being disingenuous when you point out how they're read something incorrectly. It's why I don't argue on the Internet! I limit my responses to one time clarifications and if the person still wants to argue after that, it's just not worth it. They obviously don't want to communicate at that point; they simply don't want to have been wrong.

I once had somebody on Tumblr ask me if I was okay with sexual assault or domestic violence or something. I responded with, "I am not. If you thought that was what I was saying, read it again but with the realization that I didn't say that. That should fix it." They then responded with the exact thing I wrote which was obviously a critique of Meredith Finch's writing style. So just remember: if I say something you find egregious, I didn't. The problem is all on your end!

French people cuddle baguettes when they sleep.

This issue revolves around all the heroes getting settled in London. Wally goes out to buy a bunch of new clothes using the Justice League expense card for The Flash which means he has to reveal his secret identity to all the haberdashers in London. Blue Jay hangs out with the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. And the Justice League's cat kills some guy's dog.

Good kitty.

In the mid-90s, my cat Smaug beat the shit out of woman's Chihuahua as she walked it past my house. Animal control was called and they were going to take Smaug away to quarantine for a week but, luckily, I was able to vouch for my cat and quarantine him in my room in the basement. He fucking loved it. I'm surprised he didn't attack more dogs more often after realizing he would get 24/7 access to drooling all over me as I tried to sleep. I didn't blame Smaug for attacking a Chihuahua since everybody agrees they look like rats. He was just doing what he was born to do!

If a cat and a dog get into a fight and the cat is killed, it's a tragedy. If the dog is killed, it's a comedy. That's just facts.

See? Captain Atom gets it. So proud of his little kitty!

Silver Sorceress spends her time flirting with Kilowog but he's not interested in her because he doesn't know where to stick his spanner. Blue Jay arrives and begins to flirt with Kilowog as well and now I wish this had developed into a full blown throuple. Throuples existed in the 70s but then Reagan banned them in the 80s, probably because Nancy kept asking to get more dicks into their bedroom and Reagan felt threatened. But then in the 90s, indie rock and Janeane Garofalo movies almost brought throuples back but they were still finding their way so they mostly turned into "one person gets their heart completely broken when the other two people fall in love only with each other but imagine if they'd been open to throupling!"

I feel like the majority of throuples are composed of one person who loves another person so much that they don't complain that the person they love wants to fuck some other hotter person as well. I imagine there's quite a bit of three-way action happening where one person is thinking, "At least I get to fuck the person I love!" while the other two are just passionately going at it like crazy and treating the third person as a large sex toy. I mean, I'm all for people loving and being intimate with more than one other person! Monogamy just seems like such a waste and definitely a kind of prison cell for those who don't think that way. Why are we allowed to passionately hate as many people as we want but we're only supposed to truly love one single person at any one time? I can see monogamy being great for introverts like me because I really don't want to interact with that many other people, especially if it means intimate touching! I don't even want to hug more than one person in my lifetime! But I still think it's rare to find three people who all really do find more positives in being in a throuple than a throuple where one of the members is just barely hanging on for dear life because they so desperately love one of the other members!

Who the fuck is Mitch?!

Oh yeah! Uncle Mitch from Angor! I completely forgot about that asshole! I just assumed he died from his influenza. Uncle Mitch has decided to visit Disney World. He's acting pretty weird about it too.

What does that mean? Is he planning on sticking as much of it as he can up his ass?

What is wrong with that ticket person? Who buys a one-way trip to Orlando to go to Disney World?!

Ever since Captain Atom was relieved of the stress of managing the League, he's simply ignored all of the fires Catherine has had to put out. Kara convinces him to apologize and she buys a gift for him to give to Catherine. The gift turns out to be a négligée. You can practically hear Catherine's underwear getting ruined when she opens it. She kisses Captain Atom on the cheek and expresses how glad she is to see Captain Atom making an advance on her. So of course when she leaves the room, Captain Atom curses Kara and swears revenge for this mean-spirited prank! You know, before this scene, I didn't realize Captain Atom was gay.

The mysterious group who tried to get the Justice League notes from Wally Tortolini a couple of issues back in Justice League America close out this issue by realizing they have to move their operation to London now. Some guy named Mr. Bigger has been plotting some evil scheme against the League in Paris but now they've got to go back to the drawing board and stake out the London Embassy. I guess that means we'll finally be getting another Justice League story that actually involves some bad guys? After The Extremists, Justice League Europe has spent two issues on down time! The only member who has done any fighting is Kara's cat!

Justice League Europe #21 Rating: B. One of my favorite comic books of all-time is Box Office Poison which was many, many issues of pretty much nothing happening except mundane daily life. Oh, sure, there was a lot of emotional stuff going on as a bookstore clerk who thought of himself as a writer becomes bitter and jealous as he watches his friend become successful as an artist. He also ruins his intimate relationship over being an angry jerk as well. Anyway, what that admission is meant to convey is that I can handle reading loads of issues where basically nothing happens. Another great story arc in a comic where pretty much nothing happens: "Guys" from Cerebus. I loved Strangers in Paradise too but Terry Moore obviously thought his audience wanted more than just Francine and Katchoo hanging out which is why he introduced the whole Parker Girls stuff. But seriously, I didn't need all of that action and violence! I was happy reading about Francine and Katchoo hanging out on the couch! Oh, that was another 90s throuple: David, Francie, and Katchoo! Maybe that's where I got the whole idea that one member really would rather not have to share! David was such a miserable, pouty, lovesick puppy for Katchoo! Um, oh yeah, this was an okay issue! Maybe great because a cat killed a dog in it! Ha ha! That video would easily have won $10,000 on that ABC video show!