Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)
By Barry Kitson, Mike McKone, John Dell, Jack Torrance, Peter Gross, Bob Smith, Jimmy Palmiotti, Gaspar, and Lovern Kindzierski
Cover by Mike McKone and Jan Harpes
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Raspler

• Should I make a list of the top ten comic book characters I'd like to fuck or would that make me sound too much like a huge anti-social nerd who too often thinks about having sex with fictional creations? Would a list of fuckable comic book characters be more or less weird than a list of animated insurance characters I'd like to fuck? Maybe if I actually fucked a real person, I'd stop thinking about fucking fictional characters that have no agency? Or would I just become the protagonist of Boxing Helena II: The Boxening?

• Shit! I meant the antagonist! Fuck! Did I just expose too much of my interior squidgy being by accidentally expressing that the main character of Boxing Helena was the guy who cut off Sherilyn Fenn's limbs and not Sherilyn Fenn?! I mean, I was joking! Ha ha! It was a joke! I totally understood Boxing Helena! Probably more than you did because I'm an introvert pervert who has only ever loved women whom I've projected my own thoughts and beliefs onto instead of actually getting to know them. Yuck!

• Anyway, that top ten list of comic book characters I'd like to fuck would include Lobo like seven times so it's probably not worth writing. Lobo drawn by Simon Bisley. Lobo drawn by Val Semeiks. Lobo drawn by Keith Giffen¹. Lobo drawn by Jorge Corona².

• Halo would have made that list when I was in my mid to late teens but now it would be just weird. Also, is she still in a coma? Because that would make it less weird. I mean more weird. Stupid squidgy interior being!

• Also, obviously if I made a list of Insurance Company cartoons, it would be Erin Esurance. I would fuck, marry, and kill her! Wait. Goddammit.

• Are there insurance company cartoons other than Erin Esurance? If they are, are they hot? Should I search them out on Deviant Art?

• The issue sort of begins³ with L.E.G.I.O.N. waiting outside the United Nations for a meeting. Maybe the reason was revealed in the monthly title. Maybe it'll be revealed here. For some reason, even though Lobo was in this series, I never fucking read it.

I don't know who this member is but she's wearing Brother Blood's belt slash loin cover-up.

• How many pages until Lobo defeats everybody and wins at comic books? I'm not sure why there's another annual after this and a final bookend Eclipso issue to finish the story. Once Lobo becomes possessed, Eclipso should have all the power he needs to accomplish whatever he wants to accomplish. Destroying the sun, I'm guessing?

• Lobo had to remain behind because, as you can see on the cover, he's missing a sleeve on his jacket and you can't go in front of the United Nations in a leather jacket missing a sleeve! Also he might kill everybody.

• Back at the hotel room where Vril Dox decided Lobo couldn't cause any trouble other than throwing the television out of the window like any Earth rock star might, Lobo decides to drink himself silly with L.E.G.I.O.N. member Scrawny. Is that her name? Scrawny? It's what Lobo calls her so probably.

Oh, no. It must be Stutters!

• Stutters isn't offering to fuck Lobo. That's just the conclusion that he and all the comic book readers leapt to. She wants to play Settlers of Catan Or whatever the equivalent to Catan was in 1992. Probably Trivial Pursuit.

• Lobo drawn by Mike McKone isn't on my list of Top Ten Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck because it looks like he was using Brett Michaels as a reference. No thank you.

• Oh, Ice would be on my list! Also Supergirl's bum drawn by Mahmud Asrar. That might be on the list twice. I wonder if Mahmud has ever drawn Lobo's bum? Hmm. Be right back. Gotta see if Mahmud does commissions!

• Fire wouldn't have been on my list even before she wasn't being transphobic in this issue.

I don't think it's up to you to decide, Fire.

• I have no idea which member of L.E.G.I.O.N. is Strata she's got to be either the caterpillar, the shiny bald one with the massive shoulder pads, or the red Schmoo. None of them are on my Top Ten List of Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck.

• Vril Dox didn't make it to the United Nations thing because he's out on the town looking to buy a Black Diamond. I'm going to assume he has a solid reason for buying one because he's one of them Brainiacs.

• The guy who has the diamond tells Vril Dox "No" when Vril asks him if he can buy the Black Diamond. Afterward, Vril Dox and his partner beat the shit out of the guy's henchmen.

Um, what? It's you guys who didn't understand the word "No" and then resorted to violence. Am I losing my mind here?!

• Fascism to fascists is when they don't get their way. If other people's agency stands in the way of them getting something they want, they believe their freedoms are being crushed and think that violence against the person not giving them what they want is righteous violence against the oppressor. God, I hate fascists. I know! I can't believe I've gone out on such a long, scrawny, stuttering, dangerous limb to declare such an extreme opinion!

• Also I hate libertarians. They're just authoritarians who don't have the balls to do their own violence. The only State anything they like is State violence. But only if that State violence allows them to keep doing whatever stupid fucking thing they believe they have a right to do without anybody complaining. Creeps.

• Here's a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night (1961) that has aged like the finest wine⁴:

"There are plenty of good reasons for fighting," I said, "but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too. Where's evil? It's that large part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side. It's that part of every man that finds all kinds of ugliness so attractive. "It's that part of an imbecile," I said, "that punishes and vilifies and makes war gladly."

• Mother Night isn't one of Vonnegut's most memorable works but it should be. I hardly remembered it after reading it in my 20s. But then I just re-read it a few years ago when I turned 50 and it quickly became one of my favorites. Especially in our modern era of fucking Fox News. The thing Mother Night most taught me was that Sean Hannity should be first against the wall in the coming revolution.

• The game Lobo plays with Stutters is Scrabble. Lobo plays "fragulate". Lobo is so smart!

• Vril Dox and his helper (Lady Quark in a wig, maybe?) retrieve the Black Diamond and then leave it in the same hotel room as Lobo. Even without having seen the cover, I know that's a bad idea! Lobo's anger, rage, and violent libido can probably activate the Black Diamond from several feet away! That wasn't a length of Lobo's dick joke but it could be?

• The first page after everybody leaves Lobo and Lady Quark alone with the Black Diamond makes me laugh out loud. Probably because I'm giddy from all the love chemicals spiking through my brain right now. If I knew how to make heart emojis in HTML, every time I typed L♥B♥, the Os would be hearts. Oh look! I do know how!

1992 and Lobo has mastered the manspread.

• Vril Dox was intelligent enough to somehow beat Lobo in one-on-one combat⁵ so we've got to assume that Vril Dox wanted Lobo to get his hands on the Black Diamond and become Eclipsed. He's already said as much by admitting to Lady Quark that their visit to the United Nations is a sham and that if they really wanted to visit Earth peacefully, they wouldn't have brought Lobo. So why bring Lobo? Why pretend to negotiate an Intergalactic peace summit? Because Vril Dox wants to experiment with making Lobo into super weapon!

• Lobo trashes the hotel trying to kill Lady Quark and Stutters. I mean Zena. Apparently her name is Zena. She can absorb light to make things dark and, this is the important bit, release the light she's absorbed. When Eclipso begins bragging about how darkness is his friend and darkness can't stop the God of Vengeance and "I love Darkness's dick, baby!", Zena thinks light might save the day and blasts Lobo in the face with a million, um, Kelvin? Moles? Parsecs? of light!

• Lobo left the diamond upstairs so once Eclipso's been forced out of him, he returns to plain old regular violent Lobo.

• The rest of L.E.G.I.O.N. returns in time to miss all the action. But when Vril Dox patronizes Lady Quark while she's holding the Black Diamond, she gets super pissed and Eclipses. Or she just saw an opportunity to gain a free beatdown and slapped some make-up on so she could blame it on Eclipso.

• Lady Quark easily defeats all of L.E.G.I.O.N. leaving Lobo to save the day. But not because he wants to save the day. Because he wants to get vengeance on the God of Vengeance for using him to get vengeance on Lady Quark who is currently the God of Vengeance. No matter what happens, Vengeance shall be venged this day. Unless the Justice League shows up to fuck it all up.⁶

How could this team manage to constantly out-fail a team made of Vibe, Gypsy, and Aquaman?!

• English isn't Lobo's first language so he probably thinks "buttheads" is a lot filthier than it actually is. I mean, it sounds pretty filthy! A butt? For a head? Gross! Or is that sexy? Damn, I think it might be sexy.

• Lady Quark gets away and Zena goes missing. She was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and his Ozymandias gang. Nobody apologizes to Lobo for assuming he was the bad guy because he'd beat the shit out of them if they tried.

• Finally having an intelligent person on the side of the good guys means somebody finally comes up with the idea to take the fight to Eclipso on the moon. It took a fucking Coluan to think up that plan!

The Ranking!
This was the best annual yet! That's a weird thing to say because it surmises that I actually likes some of the annuals and then this one was of even superior quality to those. And I hate annuals! Sure, sure. You can't really know if I liked this annual or not because Lobo was in it and I love everything Lobo is in even if it's terrible. I'll never admit to a Lobo comic being bad. You can't make me! Because, um, I don't believe any Lobo comics are bad! If I ever admitted to a Lobo comic not being the best comic, I'd be lying and that would be wrong. Plus this one had a really fucking great ending where it was all, "Only one more annual left and then the conclusion! You're almost done, baby! Celebrate by eating an entire cake!" And I was all, "Rmffleplumfgrr?"⁷


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¹ Weird, sure. But intriguing!
² I mean, probably. We'll find out on Wednesday, March 18th, if I want to fuck that Lobo!
³ If you ignore the actual beginning.
⁴ Most of Vonnegut's quote age that way because when you can see reality clearly and have no agenda other than to communicate the truth of how things are, your words will always sound prophetic and modern. When you're speaking lies to manipulate people toward a selfish agenda, your words will die over time, if they don't immediately fall out of your mouth stillborn.
⁵ Which is why Lobo works for L.E.G.I.O.N. Keeping his word and being honorable is Lobo's biggest flaw!
⁶ I'm pretty sure fucking things up is in their charter.
⁷ That's "Yes, sir! Right on it, sir!" with my mouth full of half of a cake.

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Aquaman #46

This cover sent me down the trans-rabbit hole beginning here.

Aquaman has been on some pulpy pulp adventures recently and they'll probably continue right up until you see an Aquaman comic book on the stands without "Bunn" on the cover. He's also obtained any power he needs to solve any plot problem that swims along because Poseidon decided to bless him even though Aquaman doesn't believe in gods (according to the Aquaman of the current run of JLA). He's lost his wife and his kingdom and his ability to say he's never been raped. Hopefully this story has been going six issues now so that it can mercifully end to be reprinted in a trade with which everybody will be disappointed. Even Cullen Bunn seems to have admitted that this entire run on Aquaman has been terrible and unwarranted from the start. Although he probably used different words like "people were mean to me!" and "I was coerced into writing this!" and "Have you read Harrow County yet? I actually care about that book!"

This issue begins with Aquaman returning to Earth and immediately choking the fuck out of Extriax who is a character in this story. It's not the usual way most people begin conversations but Extriax takes it in stride. Heroes are allowed to choke the fuck out of whomever they want because they're heroes. Whatever they do must be the right thing because they're on the side of the just! If Aquaman chokes the fuck out of Extriax because Aquaman is dealing with his anger of being raped, it must be the morally just reaction to Extriax's not stopping the rape from happening. I mean, Extriax must be at fault, right? Why would Aquman cause harm to a good person?

"Look at my violated boner, old man! LOOK AT IT!"

Aquaman declares that he will go rescue Mera now that he realizes she's in danger. He probably should have realized it earlier when Mera was suddenly acting nothing like Mera and was sending people to kill him and declaring that she will protect Atlantis at any cost even though she's never before shown any interest in what happens to Atlantis prior to this.

Mera wouldn't want her death to stop Aquaman from trying to save her?

Wonder Woman arrives on the scene to find Aquaman pouting about his new lot in life. I think he'd be happy! Now Mera is merely in life-threatening danger as opposed to hating his guts and trying to kill him. That sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. Plus, Mera can take care of herself! At least before Aquaman received every new power in the superhero handbook, she was way more powerful and capable than he was. I think she'll be okay if he just keeps doing what he's been doing! As for why Wonder Woman is here? Oh, I don't know. I guess so Cullen Bunn could use the title "Amazon in the Amazon"? See how clever that is?

Wonder Woman also appeared in Sinestro this month so I guess somebody just wrote a blank Wonder Woman check to Cullen Bunn to do with her as he pleased.

Uh-oh! From the beginning of Wonder Woman's speech to Aquaman, it sounds like she might be taking up the Sire-disguised-as-Mera role now. She didn't immediately choke the fuck out of him like some other hero might have done but she's certainly got quite the accusing tone to her speech. It seems she and the other Justice Leaguers know about Thule's attack on the world and how Aquaman has known about it for some time and hasn't gotten around to stopping it. I'm not quite sure yet if she's just come to him to help or to yell at him because I was distracted by this:

What the fuck, Guy Major?

Wonder Woman seems mostly upset that she had to speak with John Constantine while researching who was invading Earth. I think she just wants to help end what's happening but I'm not entirely sure because other things are distracting me far more than Guy's alternate Earth.

That costume is so fucking aggressive!

Aquaman asks Wonder Woman "What Would Batman Do?" which seems like a really irresponsible question. A lot of innocent people might die asking that question! Batman would obviously do the thing that would keep his hands clean of any blood no matter how many innocent people would die at the hands of monsters while he was making sure he didn't kill anybody at all. Also, Batman would never do whatever you'll wind up doing, Aquaman. Even if Batman might have done the thing you're going to do, as soon as you reveal that that's what you're going to do, Batman would be all "TT!" and then point out how stupid the thing you're going to do is.

Wonder Woman was followed by Aqualad's All-Stars so that Aquaman could stop gnawing at his problems and just begin punching stuff. My only problem with this twist is that it's not going to help end this story any quicker and get Cullen Bunn off of this book.

If King Shark has the upper hand here then I was a way better wrestler in Junior High than I realized!

The battle ends quickly because Wonder Woman. Now Aquaman just needs to figure out how to defeat Thule while saving the Atlanteans and Mera so that he can get back to his regular life of riding giant seahorses and forcing dolphins to fight his battles for him.

Etriax's followers all begin to panic in that way that crowds in Cullen Bunn books always panic. I guess it helps the reader to realize the situation is tense and scary? And then Thule attacks Amnesty Bay! I hope Aquadog can stop them!

Aquaman #46 Rating: No change. Aquaman looked terrible this issue. Even his raging costume cock didn't seem as full and in my face as I usually like it. He sort of looked like the type of guy a casting director would get to play the part of an action hero when they couldn't book Jean-Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe the guy hired to play Van Damme's character in the porn version of Timecop which would probably be called Rimcop or Timejob or Time Travel Fuck Arrest. The story was more of the same of the bullshit pulp fiction adventure that Aquaman has found himself stuck in. I guess if you like Pulp Fiction adventures, you might like this comic book. But you probably wouldn't have thought, "You know what? Let me pick up Aquaman to fulfill my desire to read new Pulp Fiction adventures!" Most people also probably don't think, "I really like Aquaman and the way he talks to fish and punches things while being surly! Let me pick up some old copies of Conan or John Carter adventures!" Why did Cullen Bunn allow himself to be strong-armed into writing Aquaman when he didn't really want to?! Has he no convictions?! Now he's just wasting my fucking time!

Aquaman #45

This is how responsible Aquaman is with his powers. He commands other forms of life to be furniture for him.

Cullen Bunn has really turned this character around! Aquaman now spends most of his time on land, he has a whole bunch of new magic powers, he's traveling in space, and he's been raped! I'm not sure if this is the Aquaman everybody has been clamoring for! Maybe Cullen Bunn misheard "Aquaman should ride giant seahorses!" as "Completely destroy the character and make the comic book extremely hard to care about."

So last issue after being raped by Mera's evil twin sister, Aquaman teleported to a strange planet. Maybe he's going to process the violence of what Siren did to him? I mean, it wasn't really that violent. Aquaman just thought he was being intimate with his one and only love but instead found out he was fucking somebody else. I mean, some guys might just think of that as "bonus sex." Especially since Mera can't get mad at Arthur because then she'd be blaming the victim! Although Aquaman probably shouldn't smirk and smile when he talks about it.

I'm pretty flippant about everything so it's kind of hard to really figure out where I stand on any issue but I will say this: I don't fucking care about this rape. It's no big deal. Arthur's a big boy and he can handle having had sex with somebody who turned out to be somebody else. I would say this is less traumatic than Patty being raped by Future Barry Allen who was technically the same person but pretending to be his younger self! That's some fucked up shit and I could totally understand why Patty had to break up with Barry after that even if it wasn't Barry's fault. I just hope Cullen Bunn isn't around long enough to have Mera get angry at Arthur for this encounter (which was rape).

The great thing is that nobody has to care about my opinion of how much I care!

Aquaman has been in a pulp comic for the last few months and he's just getting deeper into the pulpiness of it all. Now he's John Carter!

I was under the assumption that Aquaman was teleporting via Ya'wara's bauble but apparently it's just another magic power that was granted to him via Poseidon. Of course!

Aquaman winds up in a battle he's sure to lose against a pack of vicious predators. But a bigger creature screams and the predators run off because that's just what happens in a situation like this! When the hero can't save himself because he's terrible, he needs some kind of cliche intervention!

Aquaman, now safe, wanders off to discover that the world he's on shares a lot of similarities with Thule. Oh my gosh! Atlantis is an alien civilization! You don't get much more pulp than that!

Aquaman passes out from loss of blood from the wound Siren gave him. So he fails again and dies!

Stupid aliens. Can't they leave well enough alone?

Aquaman meets the queen of the aliens but she only speaks in garbled Old Portugese [sic]. That means that Arthur has to make a whole bunch of assumptions on why he sees architecture and creatures from Thule on this alien planet. He has no evidence for his assumptions; he has no proof for his guesses. But I'm sure he's figured it all out anyway because that just makes everything easier. He's pretty smart to figure out that Thule has been colonizing other planets. I was an idiot to think that maybe Atlantis came to Earth from this planet! That was such a stupid assumption without any evidence to back it up. Of course I was wrong!

Arthur figures out that the way to defeat the Thules is to surprise them! Wasn't that the first chapter in The Art of War? But he finds out that surprising them is going to be harder than it seems because the Thules know him! THEY FUCKING KNOW HIM!

But if that's Earth That Was, does that mean Arthur needs to travel through time as well?! And that they have a reason for hating him! Such pulpy sweet goodness!

I am actively trying to ignore the nonsense of the needing a bigger boat tag at the end.

Aquaman #45 Rating: No change. Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman simply feels like a story he wanted to write or tell in a pulp fiction setting and he just crammed Arthur Curry into the lead role even though he doesn't belong there. Is it a good story? Who the fuck can tell because it doesn't work as an Aquaman story and Aquaman's name is on the fucking cover. I can understand how DC's editors would okay this story though because I think DC Comics really doesn't understand Aquaman. He's pretty simple at his core. He protects the sea, he's king of Atlantis, and he talks to fish. But DC is like a child who has been told over and over again that they're worthless. So they hear all the jokes about Aquaman and assume he needs to be tinkered with and changed. But he really doesn't. Just stick with his core shit no matter how silly it can be. In fact, embrace the fucking silly shit. Make him ride seahorses! Introduce a dolphin that has a huge crush on him and won't leave him alone. Give him a manatee sidekick. Do anything that involves the sea or sea animals and forget about all of this shit where he suddenly has more powers than Martian Manhunter. Come on, DC! A five year old can write a better Aquaman story!

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2

I'm eating Carrot Cake right now, so I think I know who I want to win.

How many times have you gone to the library and suddenly realized, "Why am I drunk in a library?" Well no more! From now on, my comic book reviews are going to be so full of reviewer goodness that you'll wonder why you even bother to cultivate your own opinions!

Am I supposed to read the comic book before I actually review it? I've been doing this incorrectly for three years, so I don't know exactly what I'm doing. This will probably be how I'll feel when I have sex for the first time. I mean, ha ha! That was fiction! As a writer, I'm allowed to tell lies because it brings out the greater truth of the world. And the greater truth is that I've done it like infinity times and every time I do it, it's like doing it for the first time. Remember how incredible the first time was? I totally remember it like it was yesterday! Except it wasn't yesterday! It was, like, when I was twelve or something! But oh boy! Remember how great that first time was?! I mean, if you're male. If you're female, remember how incredible the time was when you finally decided to have sex with an older guy with experience who didn't premature ejaculate all over your clothing as soon as he saw you look directly at his cock? I'll leave the following paragraph blank for people whose first times weren't heterosexual because I don't want to erase their experiences by not writing about them at all because I can barely make up my totally real and believable first hetero experience, so I probably shouldn't even attempt to make up a first time experienced by other sexualities!

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This issue begins with Pig Iron being teleportated into Multiversal Thunderdome by Alley Kat-abra so that Pig Iron can warn Captain Carrot about how crazy his opponent, Harley Quinn, really is. I think "Pig Iron" is some kind of old fashioned pun that none of the kids or the hip young cats understand anymore. Or is that "hep young cats"? This modern slang is tough to keep track of! I mean, this modern slang is of which tough to keep track!

Kal Kan was a kind of pet food! Who is writing this comic book? Mister Old Person Von Oldestperson?

Mister Oldestperson is actually doing a really good job of making me believe that these characters came out of a pre-1985, pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths universe. So that's a positive thing to say in my review! That means the comic book is doing well so far and I'm only on the first page! Do I start giving it stars right now? Is that how people get to three and a half out of ten star reviews?! I'm going to give it half a carrot for making me roll my eyes and check the year on the calendar. Good work, Mr. Oldestperson! I truly believe that these characters are from a time before things were interesting.

From now on when this comic earns or loses Review Carrots (those are like stars but bunnies are interested in them), I'll just add a note in parentheses like this: (+1). That one doesn't count! Plus I'll assume that all comics begin with Five Whatevers!

Pig Iron runs into Harley Quinn whose profile looks like a sexy rabbit so he obviously mistakes her for Captain Carrot. (+1)

"No squealers" means either Harley doesn't want Pig Iron telling Captain Carrot about her or she's not going to do it to him in the butt without his consent.

Harley smashes him into bits because Pig Iron is apparently a robot. That's the pig part of him. I mean the iron part! Dammit. I had a fifty percent chance to not screw that up and I did! Now I wish my backspace and delete keys weren't worn out from all of my previous backspacing and deleting!

Harley Quinn writes a message for Captain Carrot on the wall in Pig Iron's oil: "Rabbit Season." I don't think Harley Quinn watched enough Bugs Bunny cartoons! She should not be willingly taking the role of Elmer Fudd in this battle! Now the issue can't end any way except with Harley shooting herself in the face with a shotgun.

I bet there's a scene where Captain Carrot says, "It's Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Rabbit Season!" And Harley says, "Clown Season!" And then Harley will shoot herself in the face.

Captain Carrot mutters, "You shall be avenged, old buddy," to Pig Iron's corpse which is weird because they're cartoons and Pig Iron will be just fine. Heck, when I turn the page, his head, torn from his body and lying in a pool of oil, will probably answer Captain Carrot with a "Thoinks good buddy!"

Get it? I said "thoinks" instead of "thanks!" Just the way a pig would say it!

After Captain Carrot says that think about avengeance, the comic book reverts to one hour earlier. I hate when comic books do that (-0.5!). But I guess we need to see how Captain Carrot got to this point. We know how Harley did! She ran out of medication, began talking to invisible fish, was told by her friends that she couldn't defeat a costumed rabbit, and then probably pooped on the coffee table before running from the room with her mallet going "Yoik yoik yoik yoik yoik!"

Check out the Amazing Fetish Crew in the top panel! I had to say that because you probably didn't notice it being that you're probably not as good at reading comics as I am.

Here comes Harley pleasantly accepting the role of Elmer Fudd! She's not very bright when it comes to cartoons. Although Captain Carrot is the good guy, so I guess Harley is doomed to lose no matter what. It's not like that coyote that was really a crazy clown ever caught the roadrabbit, right? She's destined to lose. And not only lose, but have horrible things happen to her! Running into cliff walls with painted on tunnels. Acme safes falling out of the sky. Shotguns. Lumps of tea that aren't sugar at all! The good guy and the rabbit always come out on top!

Harley lies to Captain Carrot and tells him that she has a whole bunch of super powers that she doesn't actually have. The only super power she has is Pants on Fire. Unless the arena they're fighting in is like the Roller Playing Game "Toons" where the combatants can pretty much do anything they can think of. Back in the Zoo Crew Universe, the New Zoo Revue Gang are trying to figure out a way to help Captain Carrot.

Remember that show New Zoo Revue? It was so creepy! It was this gay guy and his beard and they lived in a village with a gigantic mutated owl, a juvenile delinquent frog (also giant and mutated), and a prissy hippo with the biggest nostrils anybody has ever seen. It had a theme song that went something like "It's the New Zoo Revue! Coming right at you!" That was always my cue to dive behind the couch and pray.

Meanwhile funny stuff happens that you wouldn't believe if you didn't read the comic book and you were too cheap to buy it and you expected me to tell you all of the jokes but now are sorely disappointed in my story telling skills (+1)(+1)(+1)(+0.5!).

People say that tight clothing leaves nothing to the imagination but if you've never seen a naked woman before, you better believe you'd be imagining a whole lot of different stuff! Like what does a lady's pee-pee look like and how come in tight clothing I can't see the outline of it?!

After Harley (and Steve Pugh because he's the writer and a traitorous unloyal jerk because of the thing I'm going to point out after the parentheses close) says, "I wish Animal Man were here. Hey, I wonder if anyone's ever said that before?", Pig Iron appears out of a Alley Kat-abra's magick portal. The comic book catches up to how it started except it shows one important scene that's probably important if you like your Harley dangerous but not mean to animals: Pig Iron is teleported back to Zoo Crew Revue World by Telos's robots because he wasn't supposed to participate in the battle. But he peed a little oil and dropped his belt buckle when Harley hit him with her hammer. It's his urine that Harley uses to write Rabbit Season on the fence.

Harley and Captain Carrot wind up on the roller coaster when that mysterious earthquake hits. The tracks crumble, sending them (and Harley's fish, Mister Mackeral Cakes) to their tiny deaths. Tiny deaths is a euphemism for being unconscious, right?

The tiny deaths don't last very long though.

Oh my god! I just realized Harleen is a doctor! And Captain Carrot is a rabbit! So is he going to say it?! Is he?!

Harley says, "Hey, what's up?" That's as close as DC's lawyers would probably let them get, I guess.

So later, Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy team up again to travel the world in a florist's van. Also the earthquake hits while they're leaving so I guess the earlier rumble was simply the roller coaster falling apart because Harley smashed some structural supports with her hammer.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2 Rating: 9.5 Review Carrots! Hello my baby! Steve Pugh can write jokes! I always knew he was funny because have you seen his art? HA! Burn! And a zing! That was a burnzing! Now that I'm doing actual reviews, maybe I'll get a blurb in a trade paperback! Hey DC Comics! I said one of your comic books was good! You can quote me on that! My name is Grunion Guy! With two "G"s! I'll give you my bank account information when you're ready to pay me for using my blurb!

Divergence: Section Eight
"Befuddled hero Sixpack returns to Gotham City, desperate to rebuild all-star team Section Eight -- the greatest super heroes of all time, unseen since t end of the hit series Hitman!"

Yay! Yay! So many yays! Section Eight is back! And they're probably going to save the world from Darkseid! I can't wait to see Darkseid with dogs welded onto him as he's thrown out of a window after his honeymoon with Bueno Excellente!

The Sneak Peek begins with Dogwelder sneaking out of the Gotham City pound with a sack full of dogs ripe for the welding. As he's leaving, he runs into some wannabe newbies just itchin' to be members of Section Eight!

Unless they're trying to make a name for themselves by killing Dogwelder!

I don't think they're cool enough for Section Eight. Look at these heroes!

Okay, maybe Guts will make the cut.

Powertool asks Dogwelder what happened because he seems to remember hearing that Six Pack and the others all died. I guess he doesn't realize DC Comics had a Reboot! That was like a dream now or something. Although Hitman is still dead according to Batman and Robin #27. Unless it wasn't really that clear! I do keep hoping Tommy returns as well.

Grapplah gets too up in Dogwelder's face and Powertool asks too many questions and Guts, well...look at him! Ew! So Dogwelder gets them to leave him alone the only way he knows how: by welding dogs!

I hope there isn't a sudden rash of dogweldings or DC Comics will be up the courtroom creek!

It's a good thing we had this prologue to Section Eight! I was worried that Dogwelder was stealing living dogs from the pound and welding them to people. It's comforting to know he's just using the ones murdered by the pound. I wonder if he'll get an archenemy in this series: Catgrafter!

This is going to be the best comic ever published.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1

My pants are tremendously excited for this comic book!

Big surprise revelation coming: this issue, which has criminals known for making Gotham their home on the cover, takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! I can't wait until I read a comic book with a different match-up than this. The home field advantage goes to the biggest world listed on the fight card (in this case, Pre-Flashpoint Gotham) which means the reader should probably be rooting for that world to win. I guess you can root for Captain Carrot or The Extremists but you're going to be disappointed when your team loses. I bet the other cities with home field advantage who we're supposed to be rooting for are all from the Pre-Flashpoint Universe. We'll probably have Pre-Flashpoint Central City and Pre-Flashpoint Metropolis and Pre-Flashpoint Star City and Pre-Flashpoint Coast City and Pre-Flashpoint Keystone City which might be the same thing as Pre-Flashpoint Central City. I might not be as good a detective as The Jeezly Crow Batman but I have a feeling the Pre-Flashpoint Universe is going to get a second chance alongside The New 52 universe. It's possible by the end of this, seven timelines will actually get a chance to exist and they'll replace the seven question mark universes in the Multiverse Guidebook. Although if that happens, I don't know where the Monitors are going to keep their porn.

So I guess this guy in Pre-Flashpoint Britain sent the skull to his exhibition and then the world ended but Pre-Flashpoint Gotham was whisked away to Telos where, with everything in chaos, the museum still decided to hold the art show. For morale, probably!

It's also possible this is the moment of transference. It makes sense since there's an awful lot of that funny colored portal smoke wafting about the battle. There's also a cop or two that, just like always, forgets that guns are long range weapons. They shoot one of Harley's henchmen from a distance but when it comes to drawing down on Harley, the police officer does it close enough so that she kicks him in the stomach and he drops his gun. Then the next cop gets close enough to be beat down by her mallet. And then everybody begins staring at the sky and the newly formed dome that just appeared overhead.

So Harley had super strength?

The dome negates super powers so Harley Quinn must have some super power that I never knew about. I don't think she had super strength so I guess she had some kind of Cartoon Physics Field surrounding her. That's why she can kill people in crazy, whimsical ways that seem cute rather than violent.

This issue is called "Down the Rabbit Hole" because Gotham has a weird obsession with Alice in Wonderland. I wonder how many stories that have taken place in Gotham have been called "Down the Rabbit Hole"? I bet like 25% of them.

After this opening, the story flashes forward to Harleen without any face paint and in regular, non-harlequin clothes. She seems upbeat and happy about living under the dome. While some people see it as a prison, she views it as a safe haven and proof that something greater is looking out for the people of Gotham. She's right! I'm glad at least one panda in the zoo sees it for the good it's accomplishing!

Is Vicki Vale still publishing new news stories? "LIFE UNDER DOME BORING AS HELL" "BATMAN CAUGHT IN INFLATABLE JOKER SCANDAL" "LOIS LANE STILL DEAD"

Harley is currently living with the police officer she nearly killed the day the dome arrived. She's also run out of medication so she's starting to hear The Joker again. But Louie the Cop fucks her and she forgets all about it.

Meanwhile, some common thugs are trying to steal Poison Ivy's garden. What is it with her garden? Everybody wants a piece of it. One of the thugs mentions that she no longer has her powers so she's just another common crook. But she still has her botanical know-how! So she can still create all of her special concoctions that blew minds and hypnotized people with kisses and poisoned them with a touch. It just takes a little more work than secreting that shit out of her skin, right?

I guess Pamela is less interested in mixing chemicals than just growing plants because, once again, she needs rescuing. This time Catwoman saves her garden. During the fight, Planet Brainiac gets on the loudspeaker and informs Gotham that they need some champions to fight for their city. So that means Pamela's garden was attacked by The Penguin during the day and then later that night by these thugs, if I've got my timeline straight. Harley mentions earlier that there are always strawberries available so why is everybody after Pamela's garden? I'm beginning to think that's just a creepy euphemism and everybody is still being affected by Poison Ivy's pheromones.

Planet Brainiac informs the populace that one of the main match-ups is Harley Quinn versus Captain Carrot! Cartoon physics versus cartoon physics! This outta be good! Too bad Catwoman and Poison Ivy don't exactly have much faith in their girl.

Batman and Robin wear capes and they don't fucking fly! I think wearing a cape just indicates a hero's penchant for feeling fancy. Also, I'm fairly certain Nightwing can do a perfect Harley imitation.

Catwoman and Poison Ivy pay Harley a visit to make sure she's completely insane again so that she can beat Captain Carrot at his own game. Although the rabbit almost always beats the hunter so they need to come up with a better plan than the usual cartoon plan that just winds up with the non-bunny shooting themselves in the face.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1 Rating: Who's the asshole at DC Comics that thought this match-up would be awesome, hunh?! I get the joke! Hell, I mentioned it when I speculated on Harley maybe having cartoon physics powers that she lost because of the dome. But now who am I supposed to root for?! I can't root against Captain Carrot! Although we all know Captain Carrot never really had a chance to beat everybody else in Multiversal Thunderdome. And anyway, a fairly normal version of him already exists in The New 52. So who needs the old one anyway? I guess anybody who can't get enough puns in their lives.