Supergirl #20

Power Girl was so upset her boobs weren't the focal point of last issue's cover, she killed Supergirl to claim focal boobage. Perhaps it was meant to distract people from noticing Michael Alan Nelson's name was spelled wrong.

This is the third issue in a row to have a different writer. That can't bode well for the comic, can it? Perhaps the editors are simply telling the writers what they need to write which is why the writers aren't hanging around because who needs a stupid editor telling you what to write when they're job title is "editor" and not "writer"? Editors are jerks! They're just Fuddyduddies that rain on parades and refer to 'artistic expression' as 'grammar errors.'

Last issue, the Fortress of Sanctuary decided that either Kara or Karen was a clone and thus it had to destroy them both. Better safe than allowing a disgusting, nasty clone to live so it can steal a normal Kryptonian's job. According to the cover, boobs. I mean, Kara is going to be killed! So then will Power Girl take over as the new Supergirl? That's probably exactly what's going to happen.

My initial reaction to the first page was "Love Mahmud's art!" Then I thought, "Sanctuary is an annoying bitch." But by the end of the page, I was totally, "I think I like Sanctuary!"

While Kara and Kara engage in some truly adorable conversation regarding age, uniforms, and manners, Sanctuary decides to scan them to determine which one of them is a clone.

Oh my god! Mahmud Asrar is going to kill me with Kara's adorableness!

While Sanctuary tries to convince Kara to throw herself into the matter reduction room, Supergirl tries to puzzle out why she might be giving off clone vibes. She probably caught something from kissing that nuisance H'el. He had clone smell all over him since he made no sense as a Kryptonian. Although even if he were a clone, that doesn't explain his super set of powers either.

Supergirl argues with Power Girl because she's not sure she can trust her anymore. Something happened to give her Clone Face and if it wasn't Power Girl, who could it have been? Oh, I don't know. Maybe H'el. Maybe Stupid Lava Girl. Maybe Superman. Maybe Lex Luthor. Maybe Simon the Butler Statue. There are a lot of possibilities! The arguing takes long enough that Sanctuary finally decides to stop politely asking Kara to die and sends in the death robots. It also kicks Power Girl out of the front door and into the bottom of the ocean.

Even Sanctuary was taken in by his cleanly shaved upper pubic area.

Something is obviously wrong with Sanctuary. Perhaps it picked up a virus from Simon the Butler Statue. Or maybe it has Space Deep Sea Madness. Didn't somebody in that novel The Sphere get deep sea madness? That means it's a real thing, right? Perhaps it's simply that The Fortress of Sanctuary is controlled by a Brainiac AI and everybody knows that Brainiac AIs are complete assholes. That's why the name is a combination of BRAIN and MANIAC.

Supergirl has Power Girl freeze the Fortress of Sanctuary with her Super Cold Breath and then Supergirl does a silent FWAAASH of incredibly hot power to shatter the building. I can't believe Supergirl would destroy her Fortress of Sanctuary just to stay alive. And what's going to happen to Simon the Butler Statue?! I bet he gets free because of this.

After the destruction, Supergirl and Power Girl wind up in space to watch the sun rise. Or set. And then The Fortress of Sanctuary's Brainiac AI reforms on the ocean floor to politely hunt down Supergirl once more. I think Michael Alan Nelson didn't pay close enough attention to this series to realize he just destroyed Simon the Evil Butler Statue.

Supergirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this comic book mostly for Power Girl and Supergirl's conversation with each other. The Fortress of Sanctuary's demented Brainiac AI going Full HAL was reasonably entertaining as well. My guess is that it didn't much matter whether Kara had Clone Taint on her or not. The Brainiac AI just went nuts and decided it preferred the older, more physically endowed Supergirl. But now that the Fortress of Sanctuary has been destroyed, I guess Kara will be crashing with Kal-el. I'd suggest she crash with Karen Starr but I think her island has been destroyed by Desaad so Karen's going to need a place to crash too! I think Huntress probably has a studio apartment in Gotham they can share.

Supergirl #19

Power Girl is angry that the focal point of this cover is Supergirl's crotch instead of Power Girl's boobs. Even with her old costume on!

The first thing I did after checking out the not very surprising cover because it's just following the previous issue's story arc was look up the inside credits for the comic book to make sure DC wasn't lying to me for the second month in a row. Thankfully, Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar really are back on the comic book! That means we can all look forward to a cute little picture of Supergirl's bum at the end of this commentary. Go ahead. You can scroll down and take a peak before continuing. I won't continue without you.

Now that that is taken care of, let's see how much of last month's issue Mike Johnson ignores. I bet Stupid Lava Girl doesn't make another appearance any time soon because she's stupid. It does look like Lex Luthor and his Legion of Villains Whose Names Begin With an "A" will be assaulting Kara. And of course Power Girl doesn't want anybody else casually saying how much she looks like Supergirl, so Karen Starr needs to put Kara in the ground. For good. I think heroes from Earth 2 are allowed to kill.

At the end of last issue, Supergirl came plummeting back to Earth with Stupid Lava Girl and apparently killed herself. Although she's still Narration Boxing about her "death" as the military drags her away.

I don't remember her being green last issue. Did the colorist not get the memo?

Supergirl is rescued from the military by Power Girl because Power Girl is feeling sick and she thinks it's somehow tied to Supergirl. That makes sense if you're into comic book logic. Supergirl has been poisoned so badly by the Kryptonite that it's leaking into her doppelganger, Power Girl. They don't say a word to each other. They simply reach out and touch fingertips. And their minds melt into one confusing, super hot mess.

If they're the same person, why are they different cup sizes?

I think their differing breast sizes is the main difference between Earth Prime and Earth Two. "How would Earth be different if Kara had smaller boobs and a better ass?" BOOM! FWAAAASH! Earth 2!

The mind melding with Power Girl cures Supergirl of her Kryptonite poison but she doesn't have much time to enjoy it because the military begins firing on them. Is this Lex Luthor's military? I only ask because as soon as they've done their duty (stalling the Supowergirl by getting their asses kicked), The Overgrown Man arrives to smash Power Girl into boob jelly.

Why am I so fixated on Power Girl's boobs this commentary? I blame the cover giving me a glance at the old Boob Window. Also, I love the look on Supergirl's face in this panel.

Whoops! This guy is Appex. I apparently got the names confused in the last issue. I thought Appex was the brainier guy and this guy had yet to have a name so I dubbed him The Overgrown Man. I think I like my name better.

During the fight, Supergirl has another attack of Kryptonite Poisoning. Power Girl carries her away to Supergirl's underwater lair while Lex Luthor berates Appex for failing to learn anything about the girls. That's not fair, Lex. He did learn that they're really, really fast and impossible to follow! That's something.

Back home, The Sanctuary begins healing Supergirl and designs a new old outfit for Power Girl.

This works for me! Oh wait. That's the latest destroyed one. Anyway, the new one looks like the Preboot one. You think I'm going to scan another picture of it when you can just look at the cover again?

After Supergirl begins feeling better, Sanctuary finally flips the fuck out because there are two identical Karas and Kryptonians and Kryptonian Technology have serious issues about clones. It threatens to destroy them although that will have to wait until next issue.

Supergirl #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know what it is about this comic that I like so much. No, wait. Yes I do. It's Supergirl's bum. And maybe some other undefinable qualities. Like her boobies.

Supergirl #18

Really? Is that a thing? Is that why H'el was so strong? He was mainlining Kryptonite?

It looks like Supergirl has developed a severe case of Kryptonite poisoning from hiding the Kryptonite she used to defeat H'el in her panties. Does this cover mean that she's actually stronger due to the Kryptonite's influence? Or is this some kind of a Midwestern "it builds character" type of bullshit?

Even if Supergirl is under the influence of Kryptonite, at least she isn't caught up in a Tott Dedell storyline anymore! I have to say that H'el on Earth may have had the worst payoff of any comic book I've ever read in all my years reading comic books. How often did Scott Lobdell play up this Oracle thing only to have it play a few charades with Superman and then leave. So now Lobdell introduced two characters that were supposedly super powerful and he didn't explain either of them. Why did H'el have all the various powers he had? Why was he so much stronger than Superman? And what was this Oracle and why did it waste its fucking time traveling really, really, really slowly to Earth only to do nothing and head back home? I wonder if Scott Lobdell was surprised by how badly his story turned out. I wonder if he was disappointed with it and blamed the story as opposed to himself.

Scott Lobdell: "I waited all this time to find out what happened and it just petered out and sucked cosmic balls! Stupid story! How dare you surprise me with such a lame ending!"

Oh, I'm sorry, Supergirl! I often find myself sidetracked talking about Scott Lobdell. I wonder if he's one of those people that goes around proudly proclaiming, "Love me or hate me, at least I make you feel something!" Scott Lobdell makes me feel gassy.

And then I open the cover.

What in the nine fucking hells?!

I paid for a comic book featuring the stunningly cute Supergirl drawn by Mahmud Asrar, not Robson Rocha! I want my fucking money back, you Goddamned filthy cheating lying bitch bastards! I don't even know if I want to read this comic book now! I was in the mood to hop right back in the saddle with Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar (does that make me sound gay? I mean, gayer?) but instead I find myself shacked up with Frank Hannah and Robson Rocha?! Suck my cock! No, no. Not you, Frank. DC Comics!

I'm so angry I'm not even going to change the tags. Let people looking for Mahmud Asrar's Supergirl's Bum be severely disappointed when they find a Bum drawn by Robson Rocha. I don't even remember if I like Rocha's art or not! I just know I really, really liked Mahmud's look on this title and now that's over. Sad face.

Super sad face.

This issue begins with some narration from a not-quite-so-omniscient narrator.

This narrator isn't simply unreliable; he's confused.

Lex Luthor is definitely resting quietly. But that doesn't mean he isn't doing anything. See why the narrator was so confused? It was mistaking resting with being in a coma. What Lex Luthor is actually doing is having a meeting in his mind with Maxipussy (because she's an Octopus with way more than eight legs, pervert!), Appex (because that's what Luthor calls him), and The Overgrown Man (because fuck if I know what his real name). The meeting place is called his "solar-powered, techno-organic hub" and he can upload information from outside the prison. I knew this was just his vacation home.

While Lex is barely being updated by his stupid partners (who might be geniuses but compared to Luthor? Come on!), he notices that Supergirl was poisoned by Kryptonite. He finds this very interesting. He doesn't elaborate and I'm barely the 1,223,543,390th smartest person in the world, so how can I guess what the Smartererst Person in the World is thinking?! My guess is cupcakes.

To heal herself, Kara has just spent two weeks and two sets of double splash pages sitting on a satellite near the sun and absorbing as much sunlight as possible. Hey Frank, you asshole! First DC steals my money by pretending that a different creative team is writing this comic book and then you make my money worth even less by using four fucking pages to show Kara absorbing sunlight. NOW you can suck my cock.

The way Rocha draws these women, I can't tell what parts of them are clothed and which parts aren't! Am I titillated or not?! I'm as confused as the narrator!

Back inside Luthor's head, Maxipussy turns out to be somebody named Alphina. Does that make sense? Is there a reason for it? Or did Lex Luthor simply pick up a Directory of Super Villains and start picking teammates at the "A"s? They're trying to keep an eye on Supergirl but they lose her when she teleports from orbiting the sun to deep within the center of the Earth to The Block, Dr. Veritas's Omnilab.

Over at Starr Enterprises, Karen Starr and Somya are watching the news when they see some footage of Supergirl.

Geez! Calm down, Power Girl! She just said she looked like you. She didn't claim she was your long lost lesbian twin lover.

Supergirl decides she doesn't need Dr. Veritas poking around in her unmentionables to see how the Kryptonite affected them, so she storms out of The Block. Of course storming out of The Block just means she's now wandering around in the molten core of Earth. Whiles she's wandering around feeling terrific, she suddenly develops a Kryptonite-induced migraine and crashes into the lava where she meets an old friend of Superboy's.

I don't remember much about this creature because my commentary for Superboy #3 was mostly just pictures of boobs and butts.

At least the narrator and I aren't the only people confused by this woman.

"You stupid lava girl." Now that's how I like my comic book heroes to talk!

Supergirl flies straight up through the Earth with Stupid Lava Girl clinging to her. They enter space where Stupid Lava Girl loses her fire and turns human, after which they plummet to Earth and create a huge crater. Supergirl ends up unconscious and Stupid Lava Girl seeps into the ground when the military shows up to capture them. So now instead of having unwanted medical tests run on her, Supergirl is going to be experimented on by the military! So much better.

Meanwhile in her busy business meeting, Karen Starr's vagina explodes.

THRAAAAWSH is the Earth 2 equivalent of FWAAAAAASH.

Supergirl #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I have to apologize to Frank Hannah for telling him to suck my cock. Besides the four wasted pages, the rest of the comic book was well paced. I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep, but this issue made me feel like I was reading a comic book from when I was a kid. It seemed to hit all the right beats. It had a gang of super villains plotting. It had a super hero rejecting a doctor telling her what's good for her. It had a fight with a naked lava woman. It had Power Girl's boobs. It had somebody calling somebody else stupid. There was a sort-of-omniscient narrator.

Normally I would "end" my Supergirl commentary with Supergirl's rear "end". But I'm retiring that feature until Mahmud Asrar is allowed back on this comic book!

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!

Supergirl #16

And H'el is Bizarro again. Maybe the covers shouldn't be finished so far in advance of the rest of the comic book.

Supergirl has major Kryptonian lady wood for H'el and has decided to join forces with him to return Krypton to its unexploded former glory. I hope H'el realizes that once they go back in time before Krypton was rubble, he's still going to have to stop it from exploding by destroying the End of the World Cult that blows it up. Unless it's the clones fucking with the weather systems that causes it to blow. Or maybe one of Jor-El's secret experiments is the cause. No, you know what I bet the cause of Krypton blowing up was? It was H'el traveling back in time! The energy he uses to fuel his time machine will probably go back with him only to explode deep within the center of the planet Krypton. So before that happens, let's hope Flash can talk Supergirl out of going back in time and killing herself as well.

Except according to Superman #0, Superman ends up back in time hanging around stalking his parents! I hope that part is just completely forgotten about so that years later everyone can go, "What the fuck was Lobdell on about? Superman on Krypton? When the fuck is that going to happen?"

This issue of Supergirl begins with H'el's story as told by Oracle's Horn Blower.

Okay. I guess the scar healed quickly over time. And it looks like he made the mark himself to alert whoever found him that he needed to see Superman. But since he made the mark while looking in the mirror, it came out backwards. And he was too loopy from space madness to realize it.

It's at this point in the story where Oracle's Horn Blower finds the body and blows the horn. This actually occurred back in Superman #1. It was a single page of the fishy guy blowing the horn and saying his task has finally been done and now he just has to be heard. And then an editor's note says to read Stormwatch to find out more about this. But Stormwatch simply recovered the horn and put it on the Eye of the Storm. Nothing ever came of it. Until Scott Lobdell decided it was to be used to summon an omniscient creature named Oracle. Although I still don't know why an omniscient creature would need to be summoned.

But that can wait until Scott Lobdell's Superman because it's just too silly to take place in Supergirl. This is a serious fucking comic book, not one of those Silver Age throwbacks written to children and social deviants. So instead of revealing more about Oracle's Horn Blower, this comic will be focusing on The Flash trying to remove Supergirl from H'el's influence.

Hey Flash. She probably can't understand you when you speak while running at super speed.

The Flash slows down long enough to drop some truth bombs on Kara which she obviously doesn't want to hear.

Flash: "H'el is a bad guy, Kara!"
Supergirl: "Go fuck yourself, Flash! You can't tell me who to date!"
Flash: "He's just using you to destroy the world!"
Supergirl: "You're just jealous!"
Flash: "You're not thinking straight! You've spent too much time being written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!"
Supergirl: "Lecture much? I don't have to listen to you! You're not my father!"

Eventually Supergirl just decides to break his skull. It doesn't work because The Flash has weird vibrating powers that Supergirl has felt before.

I feel a FWAAASH! coming on!

The Flash vibrates himself and Supergirl through a wall and into Superman's Zoo of Solitude. This is the third zoo to grace a plot in this month of The New 52! Damian and Fake Batman ran about the Gotham Zoo in Batman and Robin #16. And Grifter had a climactic last battle in a nameless city zoo in Grifter #16. I don't think there will be any polar bears in Superman's zoo though. He just keeps exotic alien species in his Zoo which are probably all against some kind of Earth law. And even if there isn't an Earth law against it, how smart is it to bring a strange creature into a new environment? If it gets out, it's going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Superman, you're an irresponsible jerk!

They only spend a couple of pages fighting strange creatures before Flash vibrates them through another wall. The Fortress of Solitude is like its own city! It has dangerous robots and dangerous weapons and dangerous animals and dangerous gadgets. I have a feeling Batman is going to have some strong and disapproving words for Superman when this is all over.

The next room they end up in is only dangerous if you don't have the proper treats.

I wonder if Krypto simply means "dog" in Kryptonian? So Krypton is "The Place of Dogs."

Stupid animals in media. They get me every time! The greeting between Krypto and Supergirl is very sweet seeing as how Supergirl had no idea the big dumb dog survived. While Supergirl is distracted by dog kisses, The Flash zips out to find some secret weapon Superman told him to use as a last resort. It's some weird suit of armor that I've never seen or heard of before. But that's okay because The Flash explains where it came from in the most general terms possible! It was created by an "evil genius" Superman fought "off-planet" a "couple years back." Superman has had so many adventures in five years (possibly a few more) that the Fortress is stuffed full of crazy trophies.

I'm still curious about Superman's ability to fly. He couldn't fly at the beginning of Action Comics. Is it because he just hadn't absorbed enough sunlight yet? Supergirl has no problem flying. Or is it because of their special graduation suits they wear? Or does Superman have a Legion Flight Ring shoved up his colon?

The Flash doesn't save Kara because H'el comes along to do one of those fight ending things he does with no explanation as to how he does it. He teleports Flash to the Justice League Satellite. And since teleportation has never been a Kryptonian power, who is this fucker?

The Supergirl part of the story ends with Supergirl and H'el making kissy faces at each other. And then in space on the way to Earth, an all-powerful impossibility awakens!

Being omniscient sucks. This poor bastard Oracle has to travel all the way to Earth knowing the whole time that he's not going to accomplish whatever horrible thing he's supposed to accomplish. But he can't not go because he knows he goes so he has to go even though he knows he's going to fail. Omniscience is a fucking curse.

Supergirl #16 Rating: No change. I think I find the Supergirl parts of this crossover the best parts because I have a huge bias against Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. It didn't start out as an irrational bias but it might have gotten a bit out of control by this point. It started out because they sucked at writing and because they didn't know that the arctic and Antarctica are two different places. But now I just see their names on the cover of a comic book and my brain explodes.

Ugh. According to the advert in this issue, the H'el on Earth crossover still has four more issues to go.