Justice League America Annual #5 (1991)

Guy Gardner looks like if Burgess Meredith, as an old man, was one of the Little Rascals.

Jesus Christ that caption! I'm sorry for every time I complained about your super fucking old references, Giffen and DeMatteis!

Based on Max Lord being hooked up to oxygen on this cover, and being that I'm as smart as Sherlock Holmes, I'm guessing this Annual took place during "Breakdowns." I'm reading it after finishing "Breakdowns" because I've been averse to re-reading the Annuals and the Quarterlies. They just contain too many pages! Plus this should really be read with all the other Armageddon books. I have Past Me to thank for none of the big event books ever being stored together. They're just scattered all over, some with the series they belong with and others just in random places because I never read the series they go with in the first place. I hate that I bought into this shit every summer! It was so expensive! Two whole dollars for this book! Outrageous!

I'm pretending I can see the faces of the younger generation right now who pay sometimes up to six whole dollars per book. That's not outrageous. That's fucking criminal. You can be reading a whole damn used book for that price! Sure, it doesn't have all the pretty pictures but you get way more value out of it. People always like to compare modern prices with prices from the past by running them through some sort of inflation calculator but let me tell you: no matter what an inflation calculator says $2.00 from 1992 is worth now in 2023, it was still way easier to buy a $2.00 comic than a $6.00 comic. Plus there were more pages: twenty-four versus the twenty you get now. Unless you get less? I have no idea. During The New 52, each comic was 20 pages which pissed me off at first. But then when I realized I had to write about every single one of them, I was glad for the lighter load of work.

If I remember Armageddon 2001 correctly (and I suspect I don't, memory being what it is and LSD doing what it does), the story was that some evil despot named Monarch was going to take over the world and murder all of the other heroes by 2001. That despot was an unknown superhero from 1991. A being named Waverider came back in time ten years to ferret out who the culprit would be and to stop them before they turned villainous. I won't spoil who Monarch turned out to be here because Waverider won't find him in this group of heroes. But it was Captain Atom. Just kidding! It was actually somebody else. Just kidding again! It was definitely Captain Atom except DC changed it part way through the story because all of the fans were casually discussing how Monarch was obviously Captain Atom. So I was kidding?

Anyway, how Waverider would discover who was probably Monarch was to divine their futures. But he was only divining possible futures so it wasn't really that effective. What it was effective for was creating a whole bunch of Elseworlds stories and What-Ifs! So much fun! Let's see what Waverider learned about these chowderheads.

Dramatic ironically, Waverider takes the form of Captain Atom so he can touch all the other heroes without raising their suspicions. No wait. It would only be "dramatic irony" if everybody reading the comic already knew Captain Atom was Monarch but nobody in the comic book did. Oh wait! It was dramatic irony because everybody reading this comic book had already figured out Captain Atom was Monarch! Unless the dramatic irony only rears its dramatic head now in 2023 as I read this knowing that Captain Atom didn't become Monarch which means I knew something the audience at the time thought they knew but ultimately did not (because DC editors cheated).

I'm confused. Let's just see what happens when Waverider touches J'onn J'onzz. Not like that, you pervs. They just shake hands!

In 2001, Martian Manhunter has become a guru high up in the Himalayas where he doles out wisdom to those who sacrifice everything in the attempt to reach him. One man, in Waverider's vision, ascends to the temple and asks J'onn the meaning of life.

I buy it.

J'onn obviously isn't Monarch and nobody would have expected him to be anyway. He's pretty much the only decent hero on Earth, aside from maybe Wonder Woman and Halo.

The next member of the League Waverider comes in contact with is Guy Gardner. Now there's a good candidate for Monarch! He's angry and filled with issues that he never confronts. Surely some day all of his trauma that he keeps bottle up inside will explode outward and he'll become an inhuman monster. Or more of an inhuman monster, I mean.

Guy's a girl?

That isn't really Guy, just a member of his cult. But it could have been Guy if Waverider missed the mark by 1000 years and was seeing the year 3001!

Guy's a girl!

In 2001, Guy has thousands of followers who all act like him and get their hair cut like him. He also loves fucking women who look just like him. Hey, I get that! I always knew Guy and I had a lot in common! At the big Guy Gardner rally (whose purpose isn't expressed. I guess to feed Guy's ego?), he's hit in the head with a sandbag from the rafters, cut by some mysterious person! This obviously turns him into Nice Guy Guy Gardner who his fans despise. His downfall is swift and I assume he's killed at the rally. So it must have been Monarch who cut the sandbag.

Waverider touches Blue Beetle next. Instead of seeing nothing at all since Blue Beetle has been murdered by Maxwell Lord by 2001, he sees a fat, balding Blue Beetle sitting in a tiny apartment watching television. As if Blue Beetle could ever be Monarch! He doesn't even have any super powers! How is he going to kill all the other heroes? I mean, Batman doesn't have any powers either and I wouldn't assume Batman couldn't be Monarch. But then I respect Batman.

I never thought I had what it takes to be a super hero until reading this panel.

Blue Beetle's life has gone to shit. He lost the rights to his own super hero name, tried to become the Stupendous Silverfish, and was laughed at by criminals due to his stupid costume and his flab. Bold call in 1992 by Keith and J.M. to know you could still laugh at fat people in ten years time. They probably assumed that would never change having spent their entire lives immersed in American pop culture where anytime a fat character was on screen, they were double fisting high calorie snacks and had chocolate smeared on their faces. Ha ha! What a great joke! What a time to be alive!

After realizing Beetle becomes too much of a loser to be Monarch, he moves over and touches Ice's inner thigh. Isn't Waverider worried that this inappropriate touch could be what sets everything in motion for Captain Atom to become Monarch?! He should be more careful! By the time he touches Captain Atom, he's going to see how his life fell apart when Ice sued him for sexual harassment and then Sue Dibny arranges to kill herself by having Jean Loring stomp all over her brain so that nobody finds out she's dying of cancer after fucking Captain Atom but that plan falls apart too because Waverider messed with the timeline! People say even the flapping of the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane so why can't touching the inner thigh of an ice goddess bring about the destruction of every DC hero?

In 2001, Ice is living alone in a small cottage with a dozen cats. So she made it! She's living the dream! The only problem is she hears about Guy's accident and how he was struck on the head. She rushes out to find him, knowing he'll be sweet and kind and asexual Guy Gardner. Why she loves that one, I can't fucking guess.

I wish this were a scene between Batman and Superman.

Waverider's vision is broken because Ice reacts to his forwardness.

Oh, I know what you felt! The same thing I feel when I get a boner!

Darn. Waverider probably learned he shouldn't touch the heroes so close to their no-no zones. That's too bad because I was hoping he was going to read Bea's future via contact with the inside of her butthole! Finger or tongue. Hell, I'd take a toe even!

Waverider approaches Fire next thinking about how beautiful she is and how that translates to her being the hero he most admired. Sounds like it's butthole exploration time!

Fire touches Waverider's chest and he sees her future. She's at Tora and Guy's wedding with her date, Oberon. Oberon asks her to marry him just as Ted Kord comes barging into the church to kick Bea's ass. It was her company who bought the rights to Blue Beetle and sued him to keep from using the name. He's so angry that he just might be Monarch! Except he's still just a powerless loser so nobody reading this comic book was thinking anything other than, "Monarch is Captain Atom. I fucking know it. All the clues point directly at him!"

Booster Gold arrives and Waverider reads his future next. But he shoots way past 2001 and reads Booster's future when he returned to the 25th century (or whatever time he's from) after he lost everything going into business with Ted. But while looking at all the displays in the super hero museum's 20th Century exhibit, he realizes something terrible happens to Blue Beetle in 2001. It's not revealed because Keith and J.M. want the readers to think Ted might be Monarch but instead of thinking that, we're all thinking, "I wonder if Ice and Fire every kiss while naked?"

Booster decides he has to go back in time to save Ted and realizes only Maxwell Lord can help him. Oh man! Maybe he read how Maxwell Lord shoots Blue Beetle in the face!

Sorry, no scans for Booster's future. We've got to move along quickly here! Chop chop!

Scott Free, Mister Miracle, is next although does anybody really care about that? He's retiring and passing on the mantle in 1991. Shouldn't Waverider be touching his protégé, Shilo Norman? Maybe it doesn't matter since Shilo Norman and half a dozen other Mister Miracles appear in Waverider's vision. Maybe because Waverider's abilities causes him to focus on the hero that is most likely to become Monarch, Scott's future vision is mostly about Blue Beetle and the trouble he's causing. He's been arrested for attacking Fire at Ice's wedding and now everybody thinks they're responsible for rescuing him. Sure would have been nice if they thought about rescuing their friend when he was down on his luck, lonely, and depressed.

Next up is General Glory. Why? Won't his alias, Joe Jones, be dead in ten years?

Well, he's ready to die but stupid Max convinces him to become General Glory again.

The General Glory vision becomes a Justice League vision as it's mostly about Maxwell Lord getting the Justice League back together and working for the United Nations again. The new team consists of General Glory as the leader and his sidekicks Guy Gardner, Ice, Aquaman, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and two women I don't recognize. Beetle is still fat but I guess he didn't become Monarch or kill himself? Whatever was happening with him, I guess Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Oberon, and Big Barda saved him.

Oh wait! There's one vision left: Maxwell Lord! This vision fills in the gaps of the effort to save Blue Beetle. Booster talks Max into mind controlling Bea to drop the charges and then he figures he might as well force her to hand over part of her business and then he decides to convince General Glory to lead the new JLA and then he almost certainly uses his power to get all of the new members to cut their hair like Guy Gardner. What I'm saying is that Waverider learned Maxwell Lord is still a controlling jerk ten years later.

The next chapter in Armageddon 2001 takes place in the Hawk and Dove Annual but I won't spoil what Waverider discovers there. I mean, he discovers nothing because Hawk isn't Monarch at all. At least not yet!

Justice League America Annual #5 Rating: I don't rate these things! The thing I find most interesting about this Annual is how Booster Gold never mentions what Blue Beetle is going to do if Maxwell Lord doesn't help him out. It shines an interesting light on what eventually became DC continuity. What if Blue Beetle was going to do something even worse than become Monarch? What if Booster Gold knew Beetle needed to be stopped by any means necessary? And what if minor things can change in continuity but major things are much harder to change. So at some point in the future, Maxwell Lord learns he must stop Blue Beetle but many other events have transpired and he can't get General Glory back. Fire isn't running a corporation that bankrupted Beetle. Ice and Guy aren't married. What if the only resource at Lord's disposal was a gun? And Beetle absolutely had to be stopped? Maybe Max Lord teamed up with Brother Eye not to become all-powerful and a Monarch of his own sorts. Maybe it was all a ploy to kill Blue Beetle before he does the horrible thing Booster Gold saw he would do! I'm pretty sure that's what happened and Max Lord saved everybody by being a huge manipulative fascist dick!

Justice League Quarterly #1 (Winter 1990)

The Conglomerate fucks.

Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League was so popular in the late 80s and early 90s that some accountant at DC counting the stacks of cash it was bringing in realized DC wasn't printing enough Justice League to fill demand. He did some quick calculations on how much more money they could squeeze out of fans without killing enthusiasm for the Justice League. With dollar signs in his eyes, he rushed into Jenette Kahn's office and screamed, "We need 80 more pages of Justice League every three months!" Jenette Kahn, seeing that his pupils had turned into actual dollar signs and the tumescence in his pants, stood up and pounded her desk with her fist. "Make it so! Get down to the oubliette and let Giffen and DeMatteis know we need more, more, more!" And that's why this comic book exists.

I'm surprised how much use the Justice League teams got out of the Justice League #1 cover pose over the years without it feeling like they'd gone one too many. This cover has at least eight separate short stories happening all at once. It's just lovely. And Batman's face blocked by the logo is just a heroic choice to make.

In the regular, normal, best series of Justice League which obviously takes place in America, Booster Gold was up to something. He'd become sick of everybody thinking he was Blue Beetle's best friend so he moved on to form his own team. Knowing that fans probably wouldn't put up with some kind of backdoor pilot in the pages of Justice League America where a whole issue would focus on The Conglomerate and what Booster was up to, DC did the smart thing: charged fans $2.95 to read a comic book with "Justice League" on the title but which was mostly about The Conglomerate. It must have been okay with the fans because at least ten quarterly issues were published (I say at least because I have 10 of them. It's possible they kept going and I just reached my limit of them). This one begins by showing that Max Lord has been spying on Booster Gold. This establishes the connection needed to have a Conglomerate comic book under a Justice League title.

Claire Montgomery, the ostensible brains behind The Conglomerate, has gathered together representatives of all the most vile corporations in the DC Universe, some of which aren't completely transparent simulacrums of actual companies (like Stagg Industries and LexCorp!). She is looking for funding and who better to fund a new superhero team than the people with all of the money? I mean "who better" in that they've got the cash but not "who better" in that they're definitely going to want their interests looked after by the bought and paid for superheroes. But I'm sure Claire and Booster have thought of a way to protect The Conglomerate from that kind of corruption!

Oh, good plan! Not like the public won't see these corporations as even more vile once the corporations use The Conglomerate to destroy Greenpeace boats and cover-up toxic spills in heavily populated areas!

Claire believes when people see The Conglomerate save the world, they'll think, "Shell Oil really does care about us!" She introduces the team to the corporate monkeys and I'm surprised their first and only question isn't, "Why aren't are logos on their jackets?"

The Conglomerate is composed of seven members. Booster Gold, the leader, who can fly, project a forcefield, and knows whatever Skeets knows (otherwise he knows next to nothing). Praxis (not on the cover) is a large blonde man with a ponytail who apparently has mind powers as great as Doctor Fate's magic? With a name like Praxis, I imagine he's a Twitter reply guy know-it-all actually nerd. I despise him at first sight. Gypsy is Gypsy. You know Gypsy! It's Gypsy! From previous incarnations of the League! She has camouflaging powers and her long skirt has pockets. Echo is the small red head who can reflect forces back at their origins. Her kryptonite is the quack of a duck (that's a joke, you fucking Internet Praxes! Lay off me with your kneejerk need to correct everybody just trying to have a little laugh!). Vapor, the woman on the cover whose top Flash is looking down, can turn into an acidic mist and melt the face off her enemies. Sounds like the kind of power a good guy should not have! Maxi-man, the guy on the cover who is going to be sued by Superman over the spit curl, is basically blond Superman. Last and certainly least based on being Vibe's brother is Reverb (the dour guy dwarfed by Maxi-man on the cover). He has the same powers as Vibe but with less break dancing and street lingo (I'm assuming! He might wind up being the same kind of racist caricature as Vibe was!). None of their uniforms match in any way but they all have matching jackets. I'm assuming as soon as a corporation ponies up some start-up cash, the jackets will be covered in various logos. And whoever puts up the most money will probably get a name sponsorship: The Conglomerate brought to you by BlackRock.

My main issue with the team is the redundancy of the sound heroes. Do they really need both Echo and Reverb? Along with Maxi-man and Booster, they sound like an 80's boom box. Also who needs Gypsy on the team? Oh boy, she can hide really well! Her skirt's pockets are more useful than her super power.

After the meeting which isn't resolved one way or the other because it will probably be apparent later in the story, some guy with telekinetic powers attacks Dupree Chemical because it was their carelessness that resulted in his powers. It's just the kind of attack that Max Lord would have come up with to get Dupree Chemical interested in super powered protection! Claire must have also got all of her ideas from mob movies! If it is Claire's doing, she also tipped off the Justice League so that they would show first. Then The Conglomerate can show up and make the experienced heroes look like rookies (because it's a set-up! Obviously they'd know how to defeat the terrorist with their inside knowledge from Claire).

I really didn't remember about the logos but it's the only thing that makes sense if a corporation is backing a project.

Praxis catches the guy by shutting down his brain (temporarily! I think) and that's that. The Conglomerate become the belles of the ball! The entire world loves them as they save one corporate asset after another! They save planes and chemical plants and hostages (who were probably Wall Street guys or something). They can do no wrong and the Justice League just becomes an ever bigger laughing stock. That doesn't seem like a great way to treat the team whose name is on the cover of the comic book!

The Justice League, being that they rarely save the world from anything, have plenty of time to sit around watching news reports about The Conglomerate's successes.

Well, her dress did have pockets! Your pants don't even have pockets!

Max Lord arrives to show everybody the double page advert The Conglomerate has taken out in magazines and newspapers offering any American to be a sponsor for just $50! That's just for a limited time, of course. And you don't get a patch on their jacket but you do get a gold sponsorship card and two tickets to meet The Conglomerate when they throw a banquet in or near your town! Is this a satire on the American military and how they're basically funded by the people yet answer to corporate needs? Part of their pitch reads, "The Conglomerate will be working for you, the American people, to make the planet free and safe." Isn't that just like the American military?! Proclaiming they're making the planet free and safe while exclusively meaning "keep Americans free and safe" and actually protecting corporate interests while making the planet less free and safe for everybody, even Americans?!

It turns out Blue Beetle feels the same way I do about how The Conglomerate is selling themselves. I often forget that he's a super genius because he and Booster act like a comedy slapstick duo. This comic book was written in 1990 so there's also talk about being a sellout and how Booster Gold is tarnishing his superhero image for a quick and easy and unethical buck. That probably doesn't read the same in 2023 where the idea of selling out is pretty much the only way anybody can ever make any kind of money any more at all! I'd probably take a sponsorship from BlackRock at this point!

That was a joke! I totally would never unless they planned on giving me cash every time I point out how the worst people in the world work for or accept money from BlackRock! I know that would make me one of them but at least I could keep my dignity by being honest about how I was making money!

The difference between Booster and Beetle is that Beetle knows who he is so he doesn't mind being seen as a member of a comedy slapstick duo while Booster is so insecure that what other people think of him bothers him.

Behind the scenes, the entire Conglomerate, even Booster Gold, seems to side with Blue Beetle. They're forced to go to a meeting of the shareholders to glad hand all of the people who are more important than any of the actual superheroes on the team. Pleasing shareholders has been the downfall of everything. There used to be a time when people would get bank loans to start a business and then pay off those loans when the business took off and then had no obligations to anybody. But there is risk in taking out loans! So new businesses began convincing other people to invest their money so that they were taking all the risk. If the business failed, the people starting the business weren't out any cash. But if the business took off, they would forever be indebted to the shareholders who would want to see their investment make more and more every year, demanding a certain percentage of growth from the company. When a company can't continue that kind of yearly growth (partly because that should never be baked into a system! Some companies find their plateau and don't want to grow anymore!), the extra money has to be found elsewhere, like in employee wages and benefits. As long as a company must please shareholders, the company will never honor the employees who make the company what it is. The Conglomerate will probably learn this lesson soon enough (or not soon enough! This thing still has 60 pages to go! Yeesh!).

The Conglomerate think that this one shareholder meeting will be the only time they have to sell-out to their corporate interests and beg for money but they find they're constantly doing photoshoots for chemical companies and press junkets for LexCorps and aerial stunts with Ferris Air. They're all disheartened by the actuality of the gig, especially Booster Gold who is someday going to have to face Blue Beetle's, "I told you so, you fucking pickle juicer."

During all the photo opportunities, Reverb reveals that Praxis doesn't show up in photos. So he is on the cover! Somewhere.

Even though the Justice League were watching all of those news clips about The Conglomerate, apparently none of them were actual times they saved anybody. They must have all been publicity stunts because The Conglomerate mention the only mission they've gone on was the one to save Dupree Chemicals. But before they can all quit from boredom and the embarrassment of being huge sell-outs, they receive a mission: overthrow the leader of a small South American nation to help establish democracy (or at least put in power somebody who the United States and their corporate overlords can control!). They easily manage to overthrow the government, believing themselves true heroes instead of imperialist scumbags. Blue Beetle is going to have years of feeling smug and superior to Booster Gold after Booster eventually heads back to the Justice League with his corporate tail between his legs.

The Conglomerate is summarily convicted of war crimes and all put to death. The end!

No wait! That wasn't the end but I'm also wondering why The Conglomerate and The Suicide Squad basically do the same kinds of missions. Makes you think, doesn't it?! It really makes you think about the kinds of things watching a string of suggested YouTube videos which popped up after watching a video about Building 7 makes you think. You're all, "Oh no! Do corporations want the same things as the Deep State?! When I drink a can of Coke, is that equivalent to murdering an Arabic child in his home country with a military drone strike?! Why won't beautiful women sleep with me, a nice guy who never leaves his room and creates dank memes all day?! Why don't more people listen to David Icke?!"

The United Nations also believe that The Conglomerate should not have done what they have done. So The Justice League is sent to beat the shit out of them. Blue Beetle can't wait to go toe-to-toe with Booster Gold and also to tell him, "I told you so, you stupid moronic jerkface."

Green Lantern is the most power the Justice League has at their disposal but they have to leave him behind because he's an asshole.

The Flash appears to Booster Gold and Claire with his usual killer opener of "Not so fast!" I wonder if Wally has to work at the dumb puns or if they just come naturally the way they did for Barry Allen? Maybe that's part of what attracts the Speed Force to certain people: they have to be quick with a good pun about, um, being quick. Hmm, I wonder if I'm going to get struck by lightning the next time I'm in my room full of chemicals?! I hope not. If I get superspeed, everybody is going to expect me to do all of their chores because none of them realize that while I can do them fast, I'm still experiencing doing them at normal speed due to how my brain must function to control being at super speed! Nobody gives a thought to how bored a speedster must get doing mundane shit! Jerks.

Thanks to Booster Gold having a force field and J'onn forgetting that he can phase through objects like force fields, The Conglomerate manage to escape back to the United States where they can't be touched by a UN-backed group of heroes. For some reason. I guess they can attack them on foreign soil because nobody in the US cares about foreigners? Anyway, now they'll have to wait to beat them up some other time, like if they go to Tijuana for the weekend or up to Canada to get some prescriptions filled. Hopefully the Justice League will remember to bring Guy Gardner next time so that they can actually defeat The Conglomerate.

oh no who could have foreseen this happening

The Conglomerate all slowly wake up to the realization that they're being used to protect corporate interests. Was it more difficult to see this in 1990? I don't think so because the Reagan era should have made everybody realize it. I suppose that's why Republicans still think of him as the greatest president because their manipulation of everything to serve corporate interests was so blatant that even stupid conservatives were all, "Oh! I get it! We're screwing over dumb-dumb middle class and poor people who don't see life as a competition to earn as much money as possible and actually enjoy living their lives in other ways! Fuck those guys!" What I'm saying is The Conglomerate are only now realizing that they've been bought and paid for by corporations who don't give a fuck about the world and are only interested in protecting their bottom line. So the choice is not to do the missions the corporations demand and lose funding or continue to do unethical bullshit and harm people in other countries to keep playing superhero. Seems like an easy decision but for some reason these jerk-offs believe they need to keep being heroes. Like the DC Universe needs more heroes, especially at the expense of regular people. Do no harm, assholes! Fuck, I'd be happy if they'd at least do more good than harm! I'm looking at you, New Titans of this era!

The team agrees to not go on any of the corporate missions while still cashing their paychecks. So that's a good sign! I thought for sure they would cave. Instead, they're going on a paid strike! Sure, they still get cats out of trees and help old ladies cross the street by carrying their heavy sacks of groceries. But they're not overthrowing dictators to establish factories in foreign countries! And that makes the people paying their checks a little bit angry and resentful.

As if the corporations weren't portrayed as being evil enough in their own right, we learn Hector Hammond works for Dupree Chemical.

Hector Hammond is just a general contractor, apparently. Thrunctuous, the liaison between The Conglomerate and the Corporations, had him released from prison to program a brain-dead employee of Dupree Chemical who was turned into a brain-dead monster due to an industrial accident. He's been kept prisoner in the basement of Dupree Chemical to avoid a lawsuit. Now Thrunctuous sees the creature as a way to solve his problems (those problems being the individuality and free will of the members of The Conglomerate). He describes his plan to Hector Hammond.

Somebody must have just read White Noise before writing this story.

Here's my review of White Noise after reading it around 2000: "Do you live under a perpetual fear of death? I don't! But then I'm only nine years old! But if every single thought in my head every single minute of the day was my eventual death, then I'm not sure I'd want to read a book that reminds me page after page after page that I'm a walking corpse. But since I still believe I'm living forever, this book was pretty funny. Some old married chick falls for this scam where some old pervert trades her don't-fear-death pills in exchange for sex! But there aren't any nasty sex scenes or nothing. Bic, Gillette, Lady Remington. The husband dude gets all bent out of shape cause he's gonna die and he's afraid of dying too. And even though his wise New Yorker friends tells him all plots lead to death, nobody in this book dies! Not even the baby! What a rip! But if you think you can find comfort in the words of others who are scared to die, check out this book!"

That was for a web page I had back in the late 90s/early 00s called "Reading Rainbow: The Out-takes" on the site No Apologies! Press. I wasn't really nine years old at the time!

Once The Conglomerate die from the toxic airborne event, Hector and Thrunctuous will release their new hero, the Brain-Dead Workplace Accident (or whatever his name will be). And the corporations won't even have to pay him because he'll be mind-controlled! Oh, but they'll probably have to pay Hector Hammond. But he doesn't accept cash. He's into weird and perverse memories for his mind collection.

The Conglomerate realize that it won't be long before their money supply is cut off which is the worst thing that could happen. To them, of course! Nobody else in the world could fucking give a fig. Is that a saying? And, if it is, will young people understand it? And if young people will understand it, does it matter? Do they still read blogs? Should I turn this review site into a Tik Tok dance?

Just like everybody in the world, they think their thing must continue at all costs. Get over yourselves! Your comic book review site doesn't need to exist, Weird Science!

Claire shops The Conglomerate to Max Lord as a subsidiary organization to the Justice League and he seems open to the idea. During the conversation, it's revealed that Max and Claire used to be married. I guess I didn't remember that because it probably doesn't actually go anywhere outside stories featuring The Conglomerate.

The Conglomerate and the Justice League have a small cocktail party so that Guy Gardner can hit on Echo while Ice stands nearby, The Flash (why is he even here?!) can hit on all the other women (except he doesn't do that for some reason? What's wrong with him?! Is it really Wally under that mask?!), and Booster Gold can apologize to Beetle. Beetle ignores him but you can tell that Booster's words got to him. They're going to be best friends again real soon! Gypsy and Martian Manhunter just stare at each other while eating Vienna sausages off of toothpicks. They're probably speaking telepathically where J'onn is all, "Well, looks like you're joining the League anyway!" and she's thinking, "These little franks are disgusting."

Thrunctuous interrupts the cocktail party with an emergency at Dupree Chemical! It's the trap he set up to kill The Conglomerate. Not that he tells them that! I was just reminding readers although you probably just read the part about the trap mere seconds ago. I was probably writing that to remind myself because sometimes it takes me days to read a comic book this long! I've spent almost a week with this thing sitting in the scanner and reading a few pages here and there!

Thrunctuous doesn't expect the Justice League to accompany The Conglomerate to the accident so the toxic airborne event is easily taken care of by Guy Gardner. Thrunctuous calls an audible. Since his creature won't be able to save a day that's already been saved, he orders Hector to make the creature attack the League and The Conglomerate. It's just one massive fat guy that looks like a more melted version of Two-Face. How is he going to defeat both teams?!

The most disturbing aspect of this guy is his tighty whities.

This creature vomits toxic waste so it's basically a white trash Chemo. Hector Hammond pops up out of his hole for some inexplicable reason since I'm sure he can control the thing from a distance. Immediately upon showing his face from his floating chair, Guy Gardner recognizes him. Two seconds after that, Hector Hammond recognizes Guy Gardner and shits himself. Hector also loses control of the creature meaning the creature becomes more dangerous and starts yelling, "PHIL!" Phil, it turns out, is his brother, the person behind the first attack on Dupree Chemical. He has easily broken out of Belle Reve after re-establishing the telepathic link with his brother. And he's come to end his brother's pain. By touching tips?

FWASH is the sound it makes when Supergirl's vagina explodes! I didn't realize until now it's just the generic comic book sound for any genitalia exploding.

The third person in that picture is Thrunctuous because he's the bad guy and had to get his comeuppance, this being a Comics Code Authority approved comic book.

The issue ends with Claire extorting the corporations that originally funded The Conglomerate, telling them that if they don't sponsor The Conglomerate without interfering, she'll release the story about how they worked with Thrunctuous and Dupree Chemical and Hector Hammond to do bad guy stuff. Maybe it's written less as her extorting them and more her pleading with them to do the right thing in a world where it's often too easy and more lucrative to do the wrong thing. Nobody agrees to anything on-panel but it seems like The Conglomerate will continue to do their thing. And it feels like maybe Booster Gold will continue to work with them but maybe he's been invited to rejoin the League as well? We'll see!

Justice League Quarterly #1 Rating: Too fucking long. I'm sure in 1990 when I was 18 years old, I was excited beyond rational belief to be getting an 80-page comic book (that includes the adverts, thank God! I only had to read 72 pages of comic!) for the price of three 24-page comic books! What a deal! I mean, was it a deal? Or was it exactly the same amount for the same amount of pages?! Fuck! Now I feel ripped off! No, wait! I saved a nickel! Woo-hoo! And for a backdoor pilot for The Conglomerate, it featured enough Booster Gold and members of the Justice League to justify the Justice League title. I'm pretty sure it was a failed backdoor pilot as I never remember getting a comic book series called The Conglomerate. But looking up the group online, I see there was a New Conglomerate and let me tell you: whatever the fuck that is, I need to read it! It looks like the art was done by Rob Liefeld (or one of his disciples like Marat Mychaels)! It looks so fucking terrible! And just imagine if it were written by Ann Nocenti! Oh my God! I'm not sure I could survive writing about a comic book that terrible! I'd die of ecstasy! Anyway, this issue was too long and it was about a bunch of dumb heroes who signed a deal with corporations but somehow thought the money wouldn't come with strings attached. Like, did people in 1990 not realize corporations are pure evil?! No wait. I already discussed that. They knew! Fuck you, Ronald Reagan!

Justice League Europe #13 (April 1990)

Why is everybody in the DC Universe afraid of feral cats? Because they're pussies.

That caption was a hilarious riddle! The ambiguous answer makes the riddle logical with word play! I just made it up but there's a fairly decent chance that dozens of jokes nearly identical to it were written into every stupid fad joke book of the 80s. There was probably a dead baby version and a dead cat version and a dumb blonde version and a redneck version and a whole bunch of racist versions too because racist jokes were practically currency in the 80s. And having grown up in school yards during that time, I have one particularly racist joke burned into my head which I never asked Philip Newby to tell me! I will not repeat it here because it's fucking racist, you dumb motherfucker! I don't want to do to your head what Phil did to mine! And not that Phil was racist! Far from it, I'm sure! But it was the 80s and remember what I said about racist jokes and currency back then! But since I did mention awful jokes from the 80s, I'll tell you a different one that Philip Newby told me and which I, at the time in 5th grade, did not understand at all!

"Why can't the Go-Gos have children?"
"Because their lips are sealed."

Oh sure, I laughed! Because it was a joke and Phil was a funny guy! But I didn't fucking get it. I told it to my cousin and he, being more honest than me, I guess, said to me, "I don't get it." And I said, as an explanation, "If their lips are sealed, they can't say 'yes' when somebody asks them to marry them!" Fucking hell, I was a dumb little shit.

Phil also told me the joke about the cop who arrests three kids (in the joke, the teller uses you and a friend and somebody you hate) where the cop is all, "I'll let you go if all together your penises measure sixteen inches (or something)." The joke ends with the person you hate making up the last of the sixteen inches with half an inch and saying, "It's a good thing I had a hard-on!" I'm fairly certain that's where I figured out what a "hard-on" was as I worked out the joke in my head. After laughing uproariously, of course!

Phil also told me the joke about Jesus on the cross calling Peter up to him three times but the Romans keep kicking the ladder out from under him before Peter can hear what Christ has to say. Until finally, Peter leans his ear to Jesus's lips and Jesus says, "I can see your house from here." Fuck that was a good one.

This issue begins with Catherine and Captain Atom giving a bunch of French schoolchildren a tour of the Justice League embassy to show the French people that the Justice League aren't a bunch of dangerous lunatics. Captain Atom invites the press because he's an idiot who can't remember the last twelve issues of his own comic book! He think the press will show the country how nothing terrible happened to any of the children while visiting but surely they're simply going to capture twenty children dying horribly in extreme close-ups as Queen Bee drops some terribly perverse child-killing beast onto the embassy. This is exactly the kind of stupid stunt that Batman would have shut down before it even started! Nobody endangers children on Batman's watch! Except Batman.

Oh, my. It seems you've caught me in a lie. It was Catherine's idea and Captain Atom is rightly skeptical. It's just I didn't want to call Catherine an idiot!

Don't think I'm afraid to call a woman an idiot (especially after all the vile things I've called Madame Xanadu)! I simply didn't want to call Catherine an idiot because she's not an idiot and possibly the character I admire most in this comic book! But Captain Atom? Well, he's basically been portrayed as the main idiot in Europe. He's the Blue Beetle of the Old World.

Captain Atom, having taken only one French class which was interrupted by a massive brawl, tries to have a conversation with the teacher in French but accidentally says, "Would you dance naked with me in a bowl of onion dip?" Captain Atom having atomic powers and no visible sign of his junk in his skin tight pants is more believable than somebody accidentally saying that in a language they don't speak! Unless he had a weird teacher who thought the most pertinent words in French were "naked" and "onion dip." Although I myself don't speak French so maybe the words for "Thank you for coming" and "the children are well-behaved" are extraordinarily close to "dancing naked" and "bowl of onion dip"!

No, you came because it was a mandatory school field trip, you lying bol de trempette à l'oignon.

The cat arrives in the teleporter hacking and farting like a higher dimensional Bill the Cat. You understand what I mean, right? See, comic strips are basically one-dimensional and comic books are two dimensional and comic book movies are three dimensional and my blog entries on comic books are fourth dimensional. I'm sure I didn't need to explain that to you, my zero-dimensional readers. No wait! I meant my fifth-dimensional readers! I always forget that adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar because my brain has always thought, "Yeah, but you catch even more flies with shit!" And then my attitude tanks even further and I just insult all the flies like crazy! Not that my readers are flies attracted to shit! Although, really, if you're enjoying my blog, I've got a minor reality check for you. Fly? Meet shit.

Some new information is revealed during the tour: the Justice League Embassy is full of precious works of art donated by the French government! Why? Well, that's not an easy question to answer through the lens of a government giving art to a UN peace keeping force that nobody likes. But it's easy to answer through the lens of comic book plotting: its bait to lure in a would-be art burglar to cause chaos during the children's school visit! His name is hilariously Jean-Jean De Jean! I'm laughing in much the same way I used to laugh at Phil Newby's jokes in 5th Grade! And he might be the most villainous bad guy yet! Worse than Doomsday even!

I hope they fucking kill him.

The kids receive a demonstration of the, um, uh . . . how do I say "Danger Room" in DC speak? Anyway, Flash and Crimson Fox are in the automated training simulation simulator when the cat hops up on the control board and accidentally sets the room to "Maximum Danger!" The kids are thrilled because the next best thing to meeting Batman is seeing The Flash maimed in a workplace accident! The kids, who would have gone absolutely batshit for Batman, go absolutely accidental-deathshit for a near accidental death. They're so worked up into a frenzy that the burglar had better hope he doesn't run into them! They might tear his fucking head off in their frenzy!

Are they this excited because the French love physical comedy so much? Or are they all sociopaths?

That second question in the caption was a rhetorical question before everybody on the Internet begins to explain to me how, yes, children are sociopaths because their empathic lymphburger neurosystems haven't fully developed or some shit. Just try to read these things in a whimsical, non-I-have-to-actually-everything-this-idiot-says manner, hmm? Can you do that? It would make it way easier on both of us.

Sue realizes the settings on the Danger Room control board were fiddled with meaning an intruder has gotten in which is the same conclusion I always come to when I've fucked up at my work. "What?! I didn't do that! It must have been an intruder!" Then you gasp loudly and berate yourself internally for fucking up yet again. Although I don't think Sue does that last part. She's so perfect and sexy that she'd never think anything was her fault, just like every other perfect and sexy person in the world. I despise them and yet I also want to fuck them. Man, life is the worst.

Sue, having left her post once which caused a huge screw up, leaves her post again to tell Captain Atom how leaving her post the first time allowed an intruder to fuck up something at her post. As soon as she leaves, the cat enters and takes a nap on the Emergency Red Alert button, sending the Justice League New Yorkers into an absolute panic. Which isn't great because they're already worked up from that huge battle they had with the feral cat and seeing Fire walking around naked in only a towel.

Sue reports to Captain Atom who simply points out what I already pointed out: Sue fucked up and refuses to acknowledge that she fucked up. Now, Sue is arguing that she didn't fuck up because she didn't set the Danger Room to High Death Rate. But this is why communication between two humans never works: people view things through their own perspective which blinds them to other perspectives. Sue did fuck up by leaving her post. Even if the intruder is the one who pressed the button, she was the one who left her position watching that button to make sure nobody pressed it! But Sue currently only sees her side of things: she didn't set the Danger Room to Super Duper Danger and she's defending that position. But the bottom line is Sue messed up and now she's mad at Captain Atom for pointing out that she messed up. I'm concerned that she's never going to fuck him now!

Justice League Europe desperately needs a Human Resources Department.

Justice League America arrives in response to the alert and that idiot J'onn sends in Guy Gardner to do reconnaissance only. What is wrong with Martians? Do they have terrible memories? Or are they simply too trusting? J'onn knows sending in Guy means a huge physical altercation is about to break out! Guy might even simply attack the children if they're showing too much emotion! Luckily, the first person to catch Guy's attention is Wally when he wakes up with pussy smothering him. No, of course it's not Power Girl, you Comicgater! Constant sexual harassment doesn't actually work like they show you in the movies where the nerd protagonist pesters and badgers the female lead until she finally realizes she loves him, no matter how unsatisfactory their lovemaking sessions. The pussy is the feral pussy that's been causing all the trouble!

Guy smashes in Wally's window to rescue him only to have the feral cat once again latch onto his face. I guess Guy forgot he teleported the cat to the European embassy to cause exactly this kind of chaos!

That's about the end of the violence (other than the cat jumping on the Jean-Jean De Jean's head and capturing him) and the kids all love the experience. The press report the visit as a huge hit and equate Captain Atom to Jerry Lewis. All's well that ends. Or whatever. And the cat finds a new home because Power Girl falls in love with it!

Aww. Power Girl is the best.

Justice League Europe #13 Rating: B+. The world wasn't saved but also the Justice League weren't putting anybody in danger saving themselves from a threat to themselves. It was just a nice day in at the embassy where some children were entertained, Ralph Dibny's marriage averted catastrophe by Captain Atom's horrible condescension to Sue, and a lonely feral cat found love and a home. A pretty good story!

The Multiversity: Society of Super-Heroes #1

Why is that Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lanterny Daredevil character on this cover? He was on the cover to Issue #1 and never appeared in that! I bet he doesn't appear here as well!

After reading the first issue, I pointed out that the reader was the villain bringing on tragedy by continuing to read the story and that was why the narrator was trying to get the reader to stop. Obviously I was wrong and reading it completely backwards. But that's because I was just trying to trick my readers into not reading for fear of being the villain. Then I would be the only one left reading The Multiversity and I would be the one true hero! Obviously the narrator is a bad guy, perhaps one of The Gentry, trying to get the reader to give up reading the comic book since reading the comic book creates time and executes the plot which will allow the heroes to win (since that's how comic book stories always end all the time forever). So if the reader were to listen to the Narrator and abandon the book, the heroes would never get a chance to win. This is why Captain Carrot mentions he likes reading stories with good endings. Because he knows he's reading the stories of heroes in alternate dimensions and, by reading those stories, he's helping those heroes to succeed.

So while dumb dumb critics continue to call comic books "wish fulfillment fantasies," Grant Morrison is telling us they're actually more than wish fulfillment. The reader gets to be a true hero by reading, and hoping, and pumping her fist in the air when the hero succeeds! Then everybody in the coffee shop looks at her, annoyed, and she stands up, wagging her middle fingers in every direction, and screams, "Fuck you all, you bourgeoisie bitches! Unless you pronounce and/or spell that dumb word some other way and then maybe you're just middle class, uncreative zombie mother fuckers!"

Judging by this cover, this story will be about Doctor Fate and Lady Blackhawk banging each others body parts sore while The Atom chokes himself and masturbates in the corner. Also maybe zombies will attack.

The initial narrator of this story is a composite of Anthro, Immortal Man, and Vandal Savage. He calls himself Immortal Man although he doesn't die and become reborn like the old DC Character, Immortal Man, who was Vandal Savage's rival. He gained his power of immortality from a radioactive meteor as did Vandal Savage. But Immortal Man was also called, at one point during his life, Anthro. And being a Grant Morrison book, I'm sure Immortal Man here is a little bit of all of those characters and maybe even a few more.

Immortal Man answers a call from Doctor Fate to join a group called The Watchmen, unless he decides to call it the Justice League. Oh! Or maybe the Society of Super-Heroes! I bet that's why this comic was called that! Master Comic Book Reader!

See? He's also part Phantom Stranger! Maybe! And some guy named Mortimer! No, wait! "Morty" is probably just a cute sex kitten nickname for "Immortal Man." Master Comic Book Reader!

Maybe I should stop proclaiming I'm a Master Comic Book Reader every time I show that I have an average ability to comprehend what I'm reading.

A few of the other people looking to join the Society of Super-Heroes are the Blackhawks (the all-female division), and The Mighty Atom. He completed some workout course he found in the back of a comic book and then put on a Doctor Manhattan mask, so now he thinks he can be a real super-hero. He's probably going to die, along with half of the Blackhawks.

Doctor Fate has a copy of the haunted comic book that Nix was trying to vivisect at the beginning of last issue. I don't know how you vivisect a comic book but that's what he was doing and I'm just trying to be accurate for once in my life! And since the comic book is extremely dangerous, Doctor Fate left it out where anybody could put their tiny little mighty hands on it. The Mighty Atom gets yelled at just before Jemm, Son of Saturn, arrives.

Dammit! This would be the perfect moment for that yellow penis joke I used to tell in third grade and now I can't remember it!

Abin Sur mentions he has 100 planets to patrol in his Sector 2814. The Green Lantern of Earth-23 said he had one hundred and one planets to patrol! How come Universe-23 has one more inhabited planet than Earth-20? Unless this is Earth-40? It's one of those, according to the cover!

Doctor Fate put out the call for adventurers because a parallel earth might soon be colliding with their earth. The only way to stop devastation on a scale nigh unimaginable is to recruit an eighteen year old comic book reading kid that cosplays Watchmen charactes, a guy that can't die, some women that can fly airplanes really well, and a Green Lantern. And since Abin Sur had already agreed to help Doctor Fate (having brought the warning to Doctor Fate himself), I'm kind of at a loss for why he needed these other chumps to help out! It's like hiring Black Widow and Hawkeye to be on a team with, well, anybody else with actual superpowers! When the Avengers have a Halloween party at their mansion, I wonder if Black Widow and Hawkeye go as Wendy and Marvin?

The real heroes are on the parallel Earth! Go Vandal Savage! Kick their asses!

He's just a caveman! This world confuses and frightens him!

Vandal Savage is working with Felix Faust although it's probably actually Wotan since Wotan is Doctor Fate's fremesis. They decide to go to war with the parallel earth they just discovered. Or the guy whose throat Vandal Savage tore out with his teeth discovered. Credit where credit is due!

And since the Society of Super-heroes had just finished up a war against Jonah Hex, Nazi Mastermind, they were too weary to defeat Vandal Savage when he invaded. At least that's what Immortal Man says. "Too weary." Excuses, excuses! Vandal Savage was just too bad-ass for you, Mort! That's why you lost the United States of America to him and his suicide robots and his zombie army! And then five years passes in the space of two panels because it's time for Futures End: Multiversity #1?

Five years later, things aren't going very well. Abin Sur has been killed by The Fear-Thing (Solomon Grundy, possibly?), and The Mighty Atom's Doctor Manhattan costume has been ruined. But Doctor Fate's helmet has told him of the Monitors, and of Nix Uotan trapped in some eternal battle to save the universe, and the haunted comic book that probably has something to do with one of those things specifically! Probably the one about Nix fighting! Probably! And since Nabu told Doctor Fate all of these things, Doctor Fate knows about the Transmatter Cubes and how to get to The Bleed where the Monitor's Satellite sits waiting for more heroes to join the fight.

While The Blackhawks battle Lady Shiva and The Mighty Atom (with a fresh new Doctor Manhattan costume) battles Blockbuster, Doctor Fate opens the door to the Monitor's satellite. I wonder if he can smell carrot farts through it?

This battle plays out with as much magic as in the final battle in Wizards except with less bullets and more kicks to the balls.

As Fate drags Faust into his interrogation machine, Faust calls to the Fear-Thing: Parallax. Well, I guess that makes more sense than Solomon Grundy although I do think Solomon Grundy's yellow erection could have done serious damage to Abin Sur. Except Parallax did not kill Abin Sur like Solomon Grundy's penis would have, so I'm smarter than somebody even if I don't know who, or even know what I'm talking about. Abin Sur had to survive so that he can be the one to enter the Multidimensional Lex Luthor Parallelotelegram and appear on the cover of Multiversity #1.

At the end, Immortal Man spills Vandal Savage's blood, summoning Nix Uotan (probably the Destroyer version and not the Superjudge version) to this Earth. Is that also what happened in the first issue on Earth-7 when the Genesis Egg hatched? It seemed to hatch only after having Lord Havok's blood spilled upon it. I think these heroes need to stop spilling blood!

Immortal Man sends out an SOS just like heroes from Earths all over the Multiverse have been doing.

More comic books should be like this! DC and Marvel have so much history, stop trying to force some kind of linear coherence on it all! Just let writers pick and choose and merge and mash and come up with fun shit to read like Multiversity! Hey DC! You can use that blurb on the back cover of the Multiversity trade, okay?

The Flash #25

I hope this story is about Barry's first speed pun.

Six years ago The Goddamned Batman emerged during the greatest catastrophe Gotham had ever endured up until that point. The citizens were all like, "Holy cow! That was intense! I'm glad life in Gotham can't get any worse than this!" And then in a few months, the citizens were all, "Shit shit shit shit! Holy fucking Moses! Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was flooding and high winds and knock knock jokes?! Get me out of this fucking city!" Barry Allen decided to visit Gotham amidst this backdrop of the good old days when people weren't constantly poisoned by laughing gas or dying from fear or brainwashed by hats or eaten by ravenous batwomen or smashed by Hydras or turned to stone by Medusa or lost their children to Mexican urban myths or had bat symbols burned into their bodies or any other dozens of horrible things that have happened since the good old days when all they had to worry about was being stumped by a riddle.

The story begins by calling itself "Starting Line" because The Flash is known for running and a starting line is a line where runners start running! So even though he hasn't had his chemical lightning spa treatment yet, Barry's life is still full of punning on running. Barry is even running on the first page ahead of a Gotham patrol car as Barry gives chase to a drug addict.

With all the problems happening in Gotham right now, why is Barry chasing a drug addict? Apparently, on top of everything else, a new drug called "Icarus" has hit the streets and Barry needs to stop the problem before it runs amok.

Really? Mythology references are high-brow? Well la dee da! Who knew ten year old me was such a highfalutin fancy boy!

Maybe Barry is just making a tasteless joke about the way Icarus died by calling the street drug's name "high-brow."

Man. Now I want to try some Icarus. I bet coming down off of that shit is the worst!

As Barry chases the addict, he mentions that Harvey Bullock and Bullock's partner, Spencer the Probably Dirty Cop, don't have the same sense of urgency as Barry. That counts as a speed reference, right? I bet this Zero Year issue scores really high on my Speed Force Point System! That's where the issue gets a Speed Force Point for every reference to running or speed. By page three, The Flash's Zero Year story has...dammit! I just had the number and began typing the sentence and forgot. I'm going to say it was five points!

Oh yeah. Coming down off this junk fucking sucks. I think this also earns a Speed Force Point because he went up in a flash!

Iris West just happens to be off panel with a fire extinguisher and she steps in to put out the combusting addict. She works as an intern for the Gotham Gazette. Looks like she's one of the smartest people in Gotham because she winds up moving out of that hellhole. Before Barry and Iris can realize that they should be fucking, Harvey pulls Barry away to continue with the Icarus investigation.

As the cops take the corpse to do some forensic analysis on it, Barry tells Harvey how the drug increased the perp's reflexes. Harvey is then able to quip, "Maybe you're just slow." Ha ha! That's funny because he's soon going to be the fastest man alive! Hoo boy! I can't get enough of these allusions to Barry's future career! Keep 'em coming, The Flash Creative Team!

Okay, okay! I get it! You can do this all day!

I bet Patty gets real sick of Barry's puns. It's probably going to be the reason they eventually break up. That or because Dan DiDio decides he doesn't like how cozy they're getting.

Barry: "Hey Patty! I'm going to run to the store really quick."
Patty: "Oh, could you pick up a case of deodorant for yourself?"
Barry: "Want me to smell good for a quickie when I get back? Can't stop yourself around me and my fast hands, can you?"
Patty: "Get off m...did we just have sex?"
Barry: "Of course not! I know you like to take it slow, babe. Although, you kind of chose the wrong guy for that. Bit of a rash decision on your part, enh?"
Patty: "Speaking of rashes...could you get something for the friction burns on my ass?"

Um, and then there are more speed puns and Patty gets tired of them and they break up! What? I don't have all day to write comic book scripts!

Harvey and Barry head over to investigate the free clinic where Iris West was researching the use of Icarus. They do this because the building is about to explode and Harvey needs to make more references about Barry trying to be a hero and running into burning buildings and pointing out how fast Barry is and how great his buns would look in a spandex suit. Maybe some of those thoughts were my own.

Barry decides to investigate the explosion to try to put a stop to Gotham's drug problem while Harvey says, "Fuck it, that's too much work. I'm going to head over to a different Zero Year comic book." Iris West sets up a makeshift lab for Barry to work in and the two of them begin a professional relationship that will last for many, many years! Or at least until DC decides to go back to the old universe and then their relationship will be different somehow. But not very.

Barry and Iris wind up snorting a whole bunch of Icarus and fucking like monkeys. While they're banging each other, Barry has a flash of insight into where the drugs were probably cut and packaged: a cold place! Like with ice and stuff! And since Iris has cold beer because she knows a fish guy that can get her ice, Barry decides he suddenly knows where the drugs were packaged! It's easy to know your gut instincts are correct when you're in a comic book because their aren't enough pages for you to follow dead end leads.

I didn't actually guess that Spencer was a dirty cop earlier when I called him "Spencer the Dirty Cop." Originally, I had just typed "Harvey's Partner." But then when I decided to scan this page in, I realized I needed to make sure his name was mentioned so I wouldn't have to explain who this was. And as I typed his name, I added "the probably dirty cop" because isn't that the Gotham way and it made me giggle. But then after adding that so that I wouldn't have to explain who he was, I realized I needed to add all of this to explain how I already knew he was dirty when I added the "dirty cop" thing because I believe in transparency and I don't want people believing I guessed something that I didn't even consider while reading. Most internet denizens thrive on being able to look up facts and pretend they already knew them, thus presenting a false version of themselves. I like to let people know when Lord Google held my hand through something. Although I don't mention how often I check the spelling or the precise meaning of a word to make sure I'm actually saying exactly what I want to get across. Sometimes, even knowing the meaning of the word, you just need to make sure you've got the subtlety and precision just right for the sentence you're constructing. Although most of the time my sentences are more like a flailing child running amok in a candy store.

Harvey Bullock has arrived to back up Allen but he's a bit too late because Spencer shoves a bunch of Icarus up Barry's nose and now Barry thinks he's the Goddamned Batman. Barry punches up Spencer a bit but soon finds himself about to explode. Spencer goes to shoot Barry because he's the kind of cop that believes in ultra-violence but Harvey shoots Spencer before he can pull the trigger. Iris floods Barry with cold air from the cooling unit and everybody but Spencer lives happily ever after.

This bit from Harvey gave me feelings. Am I gay?

Then it's time for Barry to head back to Central City! But first he needs to be manhandled by Iris!

I think Iris West is really The Penguin!

The Flash #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even when The Flash doesn't have any powers and it's just a stupid CSI comic book about dumb cops without any super powers, this comic book is entertaining! Probably because Barry Allen's character has been well defined by Manapul and Buccellato. If only Tim Drake were being written this well! Not that I care about Tim Drake. But some people care about Tim Drake for some reason. Probably because those people are younger than I am. My favorite Robin was Alfred Pennyworth's pet Gerbil from Amazing Wonder Time Adventures #53.

Action Comics #18

I predict this issue ends with Superman wedged between a train and a wall.

Last issue, Mr. Mxyzptlk finally woke up. But since he's a fifth dimensional creature, doesn't that mean he's now awake across all moments? So it's like he was never in a coma at all! I'm so confused. Leave it to Grant Morrison to not only tell a multi-Earth tale but to add multiple dimensions and time travel to his story as well! What a show off.

Oh yeah! And Lex Luthor saved Superman's life.

I didn't say he did it with the best of intentions.

Luthor only gets the one chance to divert Doomsday Brand X Superman's attention away from killing Superman because Lex isn't really in the battle armor. He's controlling it remotely from his super secure prison facility vacation home. Once Doomsday Brand X Superman destroys it, Luthor's out of options. But his distraction may have helped save Krypto's life. Although I don't know what kind of a life a dog can have without a soul. Oh wait! Yes I do! A normal one!

If you guys are going to insist on constantly making me sad, I'm going to stop reading your stupid comic book!

Superman doesn't have time to save Krypto because he has a schedule to keep. First on the schedule, punch Doomsday Brand X Superman in the bony face. Second on his schedule, get loaded on Red Kryptonite.

At this point in Superman's life, he's never even met Mr. Mxyzptlk! Poor Supes! Being punished for something he'll never get to do!

Lion-headed Superman soon becomes Ant-headed Superman as Vyndktvx reminds Superman that the Silver Age was a super fun time to be alive. But those days it was Mxyzptlk doing the pranking! It was silly and whimsical. Vyndktvx is a modern day fifth dimensional bastard and he knows some really mean tricks. At this point, I don't even think he wants to kill Supes. He just wants to torture him and make the whole world hate his guts.

Meanwhile in Mr. Mxyzptlk's hospital room, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane and Cosmic Man and Saturn Woman and Lightning Man all try to make sense of what is happening. Ferlin Nyxly arrives to add to the chaos. He brings the Superman shirt with his mother's blood on it. He does this because he's supposed to do this. It's one of the reasons he was created. It's all a fifth dimensional plan that three dimensional people can't even begin to see.

So even the stories about Superman buying his shirts were important to the plan!

Apparently Ferlin Nyxly is the key to defeating Vyndktvx. Ferlin was Mxyzptlk's greatest trick not because he created a son that he always wanted but he created a way to defeat Vyndktvx. Ferlin is a Music Therapist and he's also somehow linked to Vyndktvx. So either Ferlin has to sing Vyndktvx into submission or maybe Ferlin simply has to say Vyndktvx's name backwards. Or most probably, Ferlin is roommates with Ambush Bug and he needs to give Irwin a ring to come and save Supes life!

The fight between Superman and Doomsday Brand X Superman is happening in the third dimension but Supes is also battling Vyndktvx in the fourth dimension although Superman sees this battle as the Red Kryptonite hallucinations. Vyndktvx is beginning to get confused trying to comport himself to the rules and boundaries of the third dimension as he controls Doomsday Brand X Superman. Thankfully for Superman, the original Superman, Captain Comet, shows up with his 31st Century team, The Wanderers.

It would have been so much better if he had shown up with Atari Force.

Atari Force defeats the Anti-Superman Army and save Krypto (he'll regrow his soul!) and convince Erik Drekken to evolve into one of them and join Atari Force. Now they're providing psychic cover to help Superman. And then Morrison hits on an interesting aspect of a fifth dimensional attack on a third dimensional person.

For Vyndktvx, this is a spontaneous attack. He hasn't been planning to torture Superman across his whole life. He just threw a tantrum and all of this happened. It's so easy for Vyndktvx that his plan came together in mere moments (if you can call whatever he experiences as time "moments") while Superman has been dealing with it seemingly his entire life. Technically Vyndktvx has as many chances as he wants to defeat Superman. He can just keep coming back again and again and again. But he doesn't. It's just this single time. Which means he must be defeated.

Well, duh! Of course he's going to be defeated! But I like the logic inherent in the situation that implies he absolutely must be beaten here.

And to do so, instead of getting Vyndktvx to say his name backwards, Superman gets everyone on earth to say their names backwards at the same time. He can do this because Vyndktvx has linked everyone's minds so that Superman could feel the pain and anguish and death of mankind. But when everyone says their names backwards, Ferlin says his backwards too. And it's not the one he thought was his.

And so Vyndktvx says his name backwards as well, disappearing into the fifth dimension.

Back in the Fifth Dimension, it's the moment after Vyndktvx killed the king and he's arrested and dragged away. Mxyzptlk's plan came through. Although it wasn't a plan to save Superman at all. It was simply a plan to become King and win the Princess's love. What a little bastard.

Unless it all happened differently. Who can fucking tell?

Action Comics #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm a bit disappointed with this ending. Although it could be my feeble mind that just hasn't put it all together, it was pretty much a super cheesy ending getting everyone to help support Superman with the name trick. But I also think there's a lot I didn't quite follow. I know I should reread the entire Mxyzptlk run but I think I'll leave it as it is for now. Vyndktvx killed a king and threw a tantrum to punish Superman. In the end, Superman's life ends up altered and screwed up from what it could have been, but Superman does not let Ms. Nyxly wish it back to normal because he needs the wish so that Noah Random and his family on Mars don't have their faces melted off. I'm not clear on why or how Ferlin was a part of Vyndktvx except that he was "Mxy's greatest trick." I'm not sure that Legion really did anything to help unless they did slam their time bubble in Vynnie's face to confuse him. And I'm not sure at what point in time the final Day took place, but I guess that isn't really important. It just happens to be a fight that Superman had to wage across his whole life. Luckily it just happens the one time. Umm, as far as Superman knows!

Action Comics #17

Why is Vyndktvx so proud about defeating Superman? That's like me being proud that I crumpled up a picture of a stick figure.

When I began reading last issue, I though it was Grant Morrison's final issue of Action Comics. And then when I finished reading it, I thought this was the final issue of Action Comics written by Morrison. But since the one thing I'm unerringly wrong about is the final issue of things, I imagine Grant Morrison will be writing Action Comics for a really long time. That wouldn't be so bad.

Last issue ended with Super Brand X Superman from Earth 5 (I think) being escorted into Earth Prime by Lex Luthor. Lex wasn't actively trying to make that happen but one thing I've learned from the Young Earth Creationists is that scientists never actually know what they're doing and they only ever discover things on accident and most of the time they're lying anyway. I guess they also taught me that if you can think up a theory in your imagination without any research or evidence, it's just as valid as scientific theories that are in reality laws of the universe. My theory that ghosts are just brains picking up other people's brain waves like a radio signal is probably true because I thought of it and it makes sense if I tell it to you until you're sick of arguing with me.

The other grand event that happened at the end of last issue was the Legion Founders coming back in time to help Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen bring Mr. Mxyzptlk out of his coma so that he can save Superman's fourth dimensional ass.

This issue begins with a sentimental moment that interferes with getting straight into the action! So I skipped it to get to the good stuff! The comic book doesn't really begin until Superman is getting beaten to death by the Earth 5 Superman with the Superman statue commemorating Superman's first death.

I like the spit curl image on the back of Earth 5 Super Brand X Superman's back.

While Superman is waiting for somebody else to save the days, Lightning Man, Saturn Woman, and Cosmic Man are racing back in time in their Time Bubble to alter everything. These Legion of Super-hero members are from a future where Superman was killed. But their future sucks since Universo took control and hypnotized everyone into being assholes. So they figure, even if it means they'll never exist, they're going to change the past. Except then they won't have existed to change the past and thus Superman will still die and they'll exist to change the past and then...oh fuck it! I already went over this in my commentary on Superboy! But now that Morrison is writing this messed up Back to the Future version of time travel in a comic book I really like, I have to do the fanboy thing and defend it somehow! Perhaps when this kind of event takes place, two time lines become inextricably tied together for all time. Which would mean that the Legion members will continue to exist as if Superman died in the one time line braided to the other timeline where they save Superman's ass. So even if they're successful, they're shitty timeline will still exist. They really can't do anything except be caught in a weird ass time loop that never quite resolves or changes either time line.

So Legion goes back in time but they skip over to the "Superman Lives" timeline when they fix past events. The two timelines would be identical except for the moments changed by Legion and the repercussions of those moments. But in the end, who cares? Vyndktvx can change whatever he wants in either timeline and more without breaking a sweat. So ultimately, I think they still need Mxyzptlk.

Or events happened how they always happened. Or those other travelers on the other side of the overturned truck were Legion returning to make sure Ma and Pa Kent die before Legion can save Ma and Pa Kent because saving Ma and Pa Kent fucks everything up so that Superman dies. Or something. Fuck you, Time Travel!

While Legion does whatever the fuck Legion does while fucking up time and history, Vyndktvx talks to the reader (or maybe someone else that's outside the page that isn't the reader but another character) and describes how he planned the entire thing. He explains each issue and why he did what he did and how it helped to get Superman to his next death. Maybe he's talking to me since I accepted his deal to not help Superman last issue! I'm part of his gang now! Too bad all the losers on Earth didn't accept Vyndktvx's deal!

They're actually helping him! Bah! Why do people always help Superman?!

At some point during Legion's travels, they end up at the side of Mxyzptlk as seen at the end of last issue. Mxyzptlk awakens with his wife's name on his lips. Brand X Superman tears off his face plate and reveals he's an amalgamation of Doomsday and Superman. And Lex Luthor arrives to complicate things further.

Or help. It's hard to tell with that asshole.

I also forgot to mention that the last time The Anti-Superman Army were shown, they were trying to devour Krypto's soul with their Blue Kryptonite. But Superman spoke with Erik Drekken the Unevolved Man and told him he was still a good scientist and Superman believed in him. And how can someone fight that? So when Superman's brawl took him away from that scene, perhaps Erik saved Krypto's doggy soul. As if dogs have souls! I mean, if people don't, why would dogs?! Maybe dolphins have souls. But that's it!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story was a bunch of emotional pap that didn't make me feel anything! Although it might have made me sick because I suddenly need to blow my nose. Really, it wasn't worth reading at all! In fact, it spoils the end of this entire run because you find out that Superman survives! Oh look! Now I've spoiled issue #18 as well! It's just so hard to concentrate with tears splashing all over my keyboard and this erratic breathing.

Action Comics #17 Rating: No change because it's already tied with Batman at #1. Which means it's one of the best comic books of The New 52. Which is weird because I generally don't care much for Superman stories. But I do like alternate dimension and time travel stories! But I don't like stories that show future Superman getting to talk with Pa Kent one last time on the night Pa Kent dies! Sholly Fisch is a jerk that likes to make people sad!