Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Captain K'rot has been called in from the bench to make this comic book interesting! He must be part of the rebellion on Colu trying to overthrow Validus and Computo. Hopefully I'll remember who all of his friends are as I begin reading the comic book but it's unlikely. I was mostly drunk while reading Threshold because I had turned it into a drinking game.

Telos has decided to reenact The Odyssey because it has so many exciting chapters. There's the part with the cyclops and the part with the dog and the part with the shooting contest and the part with the sirens and the part with the Scylla and Charybdis and the part with Xena and the part with the blind man and the part with the Nemean Lion and the part with the hydra and the part with the cockatrice and the part with the kraken and the part with the Trojan War and the part where the ghost says "GET OUT!" I may have gotten some of those parts mixed up because I read every single book on myths I could get my hands on in elementary school as well as The Amityville Horror. I also read all of the Oz books and all of the Mouse and the Motorcycle books but I can tell when I'm thinking of one of those stories and not a myth. Because I just ask myself, "Now, Tess, was there a big round mechanical man in that story? Did he fall through the center of the Earth? Were there flying monkeys and evil gnome kings? Was there a mouse riding around on a toy motorcycle? Then it probably wasn't one of Hercules's twelve labors." I also read The Hobbit in elementary school because my sister checked it out of the library (who fucking knows why?! She's never been into fantasy literature at all! Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she can read!) and I saw it had pictures of monsters in it.

On the second page of this issue, Telos reveals his real identity: Arak, Son of Thunder! Ooh! Ooh! That's so fucking exciting I just pulled a bladder muscle! Is that a believable excuse for pissing myself? I wish I'd taken an anatomy class in college.

I'll talk about Arak, Son of Thunder in a Who's Who Update Special Spectacular after this since I haven't done one of those in a long time. I really should stop taking on projects only to completely forget about them because I'd rather just waste time by thinking about nonsense and naked women. When I first began doing New 52 Who's Who Updates, I had meant to keep up with all of the characters as they were reintroduced into The New 52. I sure have failed at that! At least I did most of the Villains Month characters.

Telos allows himself to become a prisoner on Colu because that seems like the best way to infiltrate Computo's fortress. Remember the prison in Lost Army #5? Remember how the cells were connected to all of the important places that could help the inmates escape? I guess Colu prisons are the same way! Once Telos is inside, he'll meet the rebels who are bad at their revolting and were caught. Then they'll devise some kind of plan that probably involves Captain K'rot digging a tunnel and missing that left turn at Albuquerque.

Telos remembers fucking his wife when he was Arak, Son of Thunder! I wish he'd remembered a different moment with less blanket.

Telos tells himself his origin story because I guess he forgot most of it until just recently so he just wanted to make sure he had it all straight. Brainiac came to steal his planet and to save his family and his people, Arak surrendered to Brainiac. He'd hoped to betray Brainiac but Brainiac wiped his memories and turned him into a much more boring character. Maybe this book should just be about Telos remembering stories from when he was Arak because his life as a shaman is more interesting than his life as Odysseus.

Captain K'rot is in prison with his partner Stealth and Captain Comet. I don't know how Captain Comet wound up here but he's like super evolved so I guess he can go wherever he wants to go. K'rot lost his ship as Telos arrived on Colu in a meteor swarm and now K'rot thinks Telos owes him a new one.

What a conveniently placed service shaft! Comic book prison architects must accept huge bribes to build their prisons so that the prisoners have access to everything they need.

The plan (which is actually a trap) goes off without a hitch except for the one hitch where Captain Comet doesn't do what he's supposed to do because he's distracted by evidence that the Psions are conducting eugenics experiments on Colu. Telos insists that they find his family before they destroy the Psions. But when Techne argues that if Psions are on Colu then his family might not exist, he relents immediately and decides to destroy the Psions first. I suppose he's smart enough to know better than to argue with a Twelfth-Level Intellect! Although he doesn't actually listen to her either because after she finds the location of the Psions, he decides to lead everybody back to Brainiac before going on the mission to kill the Psions. I thought Kyle Rayner killed them all but I guess the dirty little bastards are hard to wipe out.

Too bad on the way to Brainiac, Validus attacks! Validus is like a big baby that's evil and strong. I know most babies aren't strong but I think maybe the "evil" part was redundant.

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.

Telos #1

Will somebody tell me why I bought this shit?

I guarantee that by the time I'm done reading this comic book, I'm going to hate myself for having thrown away three dollars. I'm still upset that I didn't just spend two months taking time off from reading comic books during Convergence. Now I'm going to torture myself by reading about this uninteresting prick who pretty much did bugger all throughout that series? Who the fuck was curious about what happened to this guy? Who are the asshole fans that were clamoring for more Telos? No seriously. Tell me. I could use some practice slapping people in the face.

The issue begins with Telos angry at Brainiac. That's because Brainiac used him and probably destroyed his planet and probably killed his family. Although I suspect that Telos probably killed his family and Brainiac gave him a boon of forgetfulness. That's the kind of cool thing Brainiac does for people, right? I mean, as long as they can be turned into immortal slaves forced to do all of his bidding, of course.

Telos attacks Brainiac looking for the truth. But he probably doesn't want to know the truth! That's why he's forgotten it! How many times has this story been written where somebody has their memory wiped because they don't want to know what they've done but then they realize that their memory has been wiped and they try to discover the truth and then when they discover the truth they say, "Oh yeah! That's why I wiped my memory!" I know it was done at least once in Red Dwarf. And I think that's happening with Noah Bennett's character in Heroes Reborn right now. It happened to Jason Todd in Red Hood and the Outlaws around issue twenty or so. And I'm pretty sure there were some examples in famous plays as well. And possibly some music videos by The Police! Telos isn't familiar with any of those things although he's familiar with the story of Odysseus which might have some memory loss parts in it. But I think the main reason he's thinking about Odysseus is because he's trying to get back to his family after being away for years.

Telos seems to be getting the better of Brainiac when the scene shifts to the capital of Colu where Computo is hanging out with Validus. Maybe they're supposed to make this comic book interesting.

Ooh! Exciting!

Telos wants to know the location of his family but--surprise!--Brainiac doesn't remember where they are! Oh no! Does that mean Telos will have to go through some sort of long, drawn out adventure to discover the information? And then he'll have to go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to find them! And then he'll go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to prove to them that he's who he says he is! No wait! I forgot this comic book will be cancelled long before most of that crap happens.

The plan is for Telos to steal Brainiac's backup data disk which is hidden deep inside of Colu. That means he has to beat the shit out of Computo and Validus, meet up with the rebels led by Techne, avoid the trap Brainiac is sending him into, hack the system, do some other things that I probably missed while skimming the boring dialogue, and then he'll know where his family is! Easy peasy!

Telos #1 Rating: I'll begin this at Ranking #43. This comic book commits the ultimate sin. No, not nuclear war. It's simply uninteresting. If I wanted to experience an alternate version of The Odyssey, I'd rewatch Oh Brother Where Art Thou? because at least that had interesting music and visuals. This is just Telos beating up Brainiac and then accepting Brainiac's word when Brainiac has never been trustworthy in any moment during the entire history of every universe in the infinite DC multiverse. Telos is a chowderhead and I don't recommend this comic book to anybody. Please let it die by Issue #6.

Convergence #8

I actually made it to the final issue without anybody spoiling it for me!

The cover must portray the end of the book when Telos delivers all of the heroes to their new worlds in The New 52. Hopefully those new worlds include the entire universe they came from as well. The Multiversity Guidebook listed seven unknown dimensions. Hopefully those will be converted into old DC Universes that will subsequently be ignored for years. Except for the new Earth-2. After what DC did to it, Earth-2 needs a serious reboot. And probably a long shower too.

The issue begins with Doctor Fate speechifying and explicating up a storm. He explains how the death of Deimos has released the powers of all of the time travelers and has turned Planet Brainiac into "a proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse." Is this the Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Doctor Fate because he's talking Madame Xanaduian nonsense! Nobody listen to Doctor Fate! I've never heard of this proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse! What proverb was that in?

The point to be taken from Doctor Barn Owl's words is that they're all going to die now. Everybody thank Uncle Parallax!

Hal Jordan is all, "No, no! Hold on! I wasn't finished yet! You can't critique my work until you've seen it to its end!" Then he quickly writes a script that portrays Starfire as something more than a cosmic cum dumpster and points out how everybody was completely wrong when they criticized him. No wait. That wasn't Hal Jordan! That was Scott Lobdell. Hal Jordan's lie to save face is just that he can stop the planet from becoming this mysterious proverb.

Hal's new plan is to gather up all of the Green Lanterns on the planet so that he can kill them and take their rings. Then he'll say, "Voila!" And nothing will be fixed but Hal will be even more powerful and might even survive the new crisis. But nobody trusts Hal probably because he actually vocalized that ridiculous plan. The Flashes begin to feel the world coming apart and Telos says, "The Countdown to Final Zero Infinite Crisis Point Hour Redux has begun!"

Great, Booster. You just had to bring Waverider into this. Can I get a refund now?

How long will this fight to survive go on before Booster Gold mentions that he comes from a universe that isn't represented by any cities on this planet which probably means that it has never been destroyed in a crisis! I bet he remembers when Waverider screams, "Booster! Only one chance left! You have to suck my cock!"

Waverider tells everybody his plan and then acts on it before anybody can chime in with a "Bad idea!" or a "Are you fucking nuts?" or "Where did Ambush Bug and Cheeks go?" His plan is to bring Mega-Brainiac back to the planet because Mega-Brainiac is the only being that can absorb all of the chronal energy threatening to destroy the multiverse. But the heroes pretend like they didn't hear Waverider's plan because they didn't come up with it, and they attack Brainiac.

You're the asshole who screamed attack, Superman. If this was your stance, why did you provoke him?

Superman's speech reminds Brainiac how he just wanted to be known as the most intelligent person in all of existence. Oh, poor boy! He's just suffering from low self-esteem. I think all he needs are billions and billions of tiny hugs.

Brainiac explains how he's experienced every single version of the DC Universe and survived them all. But the exposure to all of the nonsense left him riddled with Cosmic Time Cancer. Now he just wants to go back to being Brainiac from Colu. And he asks the super heroes for their help.

Meanwhile in The New 52 universe, the heroes have given up hope and gone home to wait for nonexistence to creep in. Superman holds Supergirl's hand and says, "Well, we did our best! We all gathered here by this strange anomaly, watched it for a bit, got hit by exploding chronomatter, and realized we couldn't do anything. Nobody can say we didn't try our hardest to save the universe!"

"Although," begins Kara, "If we really do believe this is the end of everything, shouldn't we have laid down our lives trying to stop it instead of just twiddling our thumbs?" Superman smiles a smile that he'd be surprised to learn made him look exactly like Ma Kent. And he says the last words he figures he'll ever say: "What are you? Dumb?"

Back on Planet Brainiac, Brainiac begins sending everybody back to their cities so he can return them to their original universes. He mentions something about resetting the Multiverse because it's been over three years without a universe changing crisis. But then something goes horribly wrong!

I don't get it.

So Brainiac says if the First Crisis isn't changed, the multiverse will once again collapse into one universe. So he wants the First Crisis to maintain a multiverse instead of it happening and destroying infinite Earths. But then he sends The Flash and Supergirl back in time so that they can die in the Crisis just the way it happened the first time. Wouldn't that result in the First Crisis not being changed and exactly what Brainiac doesn't want to happen to happen?

Maybe he'll explain it better if I keep reading.

Before Mega-Brainiac sends everybody back in time, the heroes form teams and decide to go back to different parts of the past to help defend against the various crises. Parallax wants to go back to Crisis on Infinite Earths to try to save The Flash and Supergirl. That means he won't be around to become The Spectre. I think DC has gone mad! After decades of trying to make their entire library of stories more coherent, they're now on the verge of making them incomprehensible!

I love it! Tear it all down! Blow it all up! DC Comics does like this theme of "52" so this must be their version of playing 52 Pick-up with their universe.

Who wants to be DC Comics does "Crisis On Infinite Earths Redux" with the new ending? Then they'll set up a few comics that continue from that version of the DC Universe. Dan Jurgens can write it since it'll have to take place in 1985.

Mega-Brainiac informs everyone that the heroes were successful. Crisis on Infinite Earths now happened differently! Now they'll have to deal with Zero Hour! Or have all the other crises just been wiped out by the change of the first one?

Apparently it changes everything. All of the worlds that were destroyed by Crisis on Infinite Earths actually survived. They've changed and evolved now because it's thirty years later and we don't want stories about a bunch of planets from 1985. Mega-Brainiac declares he's returning to Earth-0. But first he must cleanse Planet Brainiac. Too bad the Twofers and Telos are still on the surface! If Alan Scott can't save them with his Rainbow Energy power, they'll all be doomed!

Alan Scott converts Planet Brainiac to the new Earth-2 and Telos transports it back to Universe-2 where the survivors of World's End are still looking for a new home. Green Lantern sends out a Green Spectrum Flare for them to follow back to Earth. Hopefully when Dick is reunited with his son, he won't ever ditch him again for his son's own good.

At least the kid had the sense to ditch Barda!

Convergence #8 Rating: -1 Crisis on Infinite Earths out of 1 Crisis on Infinite Earths. Oh, DC Comics! Why can't y'all just be content with the universe as it is. It's not a puzzle that has to be solved. It's just a bunch of stories. This feels like the powers that be got together and asked, "When did our universe get so fucked up?" And what they came up with was that everything started getting screwed up after Crisis on Infinite Earths which was supposed to be their big fix. So what the current people in charge of DC Comics think is that more variety and insanity is good for comics. This was something that DC tried to quash for years. My question is this: how long before a new set of people in charge decide things should be more like the universe after Crisis?

Hopefully this revelation isn't treated as a "fix" of the universe. Hopefully DC has the endurance to run with it and just accept that this is their universe now. Every story is now in continuity. Even the ones that happened after Crisis are in continuity because they had to have happened to have the characters meet on Planet Brainiac so that they could eventually beat back the Anti-Monitor. So are y'all satisfied now? While your favorite characters might not be in a current book, their stories exist. They haven't been rebooted into oblivion. They're just part of a wacky-doodle universe that has never made complete logical sense no matter how much the powers that be wanted it to.

For some reason, this entire thing reminds me of Brandi Carlile's song "I Will."

Convergence #7

I really wish Scott Lobdell would stop getting writing credits on these. It's biasing my whole take on the story!

I just realized last night that Grant Morrison's title, Batman Incorporated, was a pun! It didn't just mean that Bruce Wayne was turning Batman into an international business! It was about Grant Morrison incorporating every aspect of The Batman's long history into a coherent story about the one man. Nothing was out of continuity for Morrison. He found a reason for it all and "incorporated" it into the Batman he wrote for years. He was even allowed to continue writing Preboot Batman into the Reboot and tie him to Snyder's Batman as well. That guy can blow my mind even when I'm not paying attention.

I mention that here because where else am I going to mention it? In the new blog I'll be starting soon about playing every computer role playing game ever made like the way the CRPG Addict is doing but doing it all Iron Man style? I think I'll use his list and I won't go as in depth into the games as he did (because he did that already! What am I? Stupid! No way! I'm lazy! Duh!). I'll just approach them with a strategy to try to beat them in one play. When I die, I die and move on to the next one. I need to think of a name for the blog though, preferably one that describes what the blog is about as opposed to this blog name which is totally awesome but doesn't mention comics in it anywhere at all.

Speaking of comics, let's discuss the one I have in front of me right now! Not in depth! I'm just going to do a shallow read of the comic while making snarky remarks about the art and the pacing and the characterizations and the plots. I won't even recognize the theme if it has one! That's for poetic nerds with hearts and brains and love. Themes! Pshaw!

Anyway, I think the theme of Convergence is "look how messy converging things can be. Kind of like pressing that slice of bread with peanut butter on it against that slice of bread with jelly on it. Smoooooooosh!"

Scott Lobdell must begin the writing on this issue because it stars Oracle and guess what?! He's making him speak! And he's doing a thing with his hand! I think maybe Scott Lobdell took offense that Jeff King had Supergirl call Oracle retarded last issue.

Fuck you! The least powerful people in any universe are the omniscient ones! Talk about lacking freewill! No wonder Oracle looks like a big drooping cock. He's the most impotent motherfucker in creation!

You're blind, you big dumby, because you're a huge liar! If you can't see what happens next then you aren't omniscient. Have you ever considered that you're one of those fucking psychics that truly think they're psychic because they don't understand the difference between random thoughts and visions of the future?! I hate you Oracle! I hope you die because you aren't listening to Superman! Also, I think he might die here which is why he can't see what happens next. Hmm. I wonder what Alan Moore comic book Scott Lobdell stole that one from?! I mean, you know, if it happens.

Oh man I hope it happens! I've never been so excited to turn a page! I might even go for a walk just to savor the moment! No, no! I can't wait! Here it goes!

Well, he hasn't died yet! But maybe before this is all over!

I like how a great writer can write the smallest story in the world that has huge philosophical implications but Scott Lobdell has to create a cosmic creature that knows everything that has zero impact on the reader. It's not the huge splash that awes the viewer. It's the body passing through the surface without leaving any evidence behind that is the real trick, you stupid, clumsy beast!

Superman is busy saving Stormwatch from the temporal and antimatter energy cascading all over the local space around the planet lodged in some weird, dimensional sphincter. It makes no sense! Not the space sphincter! Superman having to save Stormwatch! They've faced worse than this at least six times before breakfast!

Zilius Zox continues to not be dead for some reason. And Guy Gardner is back in his old uniform with the big boots and the snazzy vest. Maybe it's the temporal thingamajigs?

Is there a super hero that is some kind of cosmic midwife? That's who they need to save this planet! I bet Marvel has a ridiculous superhero like that!

While the New 52 heroes look on in horror at what amounts to just another random space event that they really could just be ignoring if they had other things to do which they don't because all of their titles are on hiatus, every other hero from DC Comics history are busy punching each other in the face on the surface of Planet Brainiac.

But it doesn't last for too many pages because it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in the video game age where we can enact this battle any time we want!

I like how Aquaman decided to ride Grodd and how Supergirl is basically disintegrating Ocean Master.

These little maniac superheroes love to fight! It's hard to get a decent screenshot of these assholes because as soon as you stick one bad guy into the mix, they go fucking nuts! I had other shots with Captain Marvel and Catwoman and Metamorpho and Blue Beetle and Fastback and Black Lightning and Captain Atom but it took me too long to figure out the screen shots and by then they'd killed the bad guys and moved on to other parts of the screen. This time I trapped them in STAR Labs but then I forgot to add a bunch of the other characters before I added Harley Quinn and they all went apeshit about her arrival. No offense intended, Grodd.

Anyway, the fight in the comic book ends when Telos erupts out of the ground in giant form. At least the brawl part of the fight ends. Once Telos arrives, Deimos turns his attention on Telos while everybody else stops fighting to enjoy the show.

The New 52 characters get a sneak peek at the alternate versions of themselves that exist when Planet Brainiac belches or something. It probably makes sense if you want to spend any of your precious life actually thinking about it. I wish Omniscient Narrators still existed so they would explain the comic books to me and I could just shut off my brain. Except that wouldn't work because my brain would constantly nitpick the writing and the art because I'm one of those jerk nerds that just can't help being a troll. I wish I were dead!

Except my death would merely give Deimos more power. That's what everybody finds out when Yolanda mentions it to Dick. Wonder Woman overhears the message and tells everybody else. Everybody else goes, "I don't know who that is but she's probably telling the truth!" Then they stop fighting. Which is the exact opposite of what comic book characters would normally do! If there's a chance at a misunderstanding, they're supposed to keep fighting! None of this believing something somebody said just because Wonder Woman claimed the woman was telling the truth. Since when did whatever version of Wonder Woman that was gain the power of her lasso just by looking deeply and seductively into another woman's eyes? I mean besides in my Paradise Island fan fiction?

In the end, Telos gains the upper hand. Sort of.

I bet Telos was the first Brainiac!

The person who asks "Nothing?" is Parallax. He's killed so many things that he thinks he can just go around killing whomever he wants. I guess that's why he eventually becomes The Spectre, right? That guy is a righteous asshole!

Parallax disintegrates Deimos before he can reveal Telos's true identity. I say who cares! Unless he had the power to give him back all of his memories so that Telos could be and remember the person he once was, it doesn't matter. What connection does Telos have to that past? The only reason it's important is because it will probably be a good comic book revelation to the fans!

Since Deimos was full of time traveler chewy goodness, pieces of time get all over everything when he explodes. It also gets all over The New 52 universe because Planet Brainiac was mostly in that universe when Deimos died. Oracle catches most of it in the face and begins to disappear. Everybody shouts, "Hooray!" And then Oracle's final words are about how reality is breaking apart and everybody shouts, "Again?!"

Convergence #7 Rating: This issue scores Ten Dead Oracles out of Ten because the worst character in The New 52 has finally died! I hope. He'd better not come back! The comic wasn't actually good enough to score a ten out of ten but who cares anyway? Did I tell you guys that Steve Pugh began following me on Twitter for some reason? I guess he likes seeing old comic book covers and panels with stupid jokes posted underneath them because that's all I use it for. Did I also mention that I have 21 Convergence comic books left to read? What a hassle!

Did you see IGN's blurb for the new Batgirl series in the advertisements? "Not your Daddy's Batgirl." That's so gross! Why did they capitalize daddy? That's weird, right? IGN had this to say about Gotham Academy: "Slick, charming, and, dare we say it, fun." Why would you have to be dared to say fun?! Is it a bad word? Are you too cool for comic book school, IGN? You can't enjoy fun comics without making a big show about it? You're low self-esteem is showing!

The Nerdist.com says this about Gotham Academy: "A little bit CW television series and a little bit Harry Potter, with a wee touch of manga-inspired storytelling...." It isn't any of those things in those portions at all! Your recipe is all wrong, Nerdist! Nobody is fucking anybody so it isn't anything CW! And I haven't seen an ounce of magic! And you're only calling it manga because of Maps and her brother, you racists!

DC Comics really should have gone with my blurbs for the books!

Gotham Academy: "I'm so old that my crush on Maps looks super pervy and gross!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Batgirl: "I thought the ad said, 'A reinvention from the boobs up!' and I was all, 'I'll read that!'" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Grayson: "How do I get DC to use my blurbs? Do I have to say things like 'Dick is so good that I can't put it down!' and 'I haven't loved Dick this much since college!'?" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Convergence #6

The New 52 to the rescue!

If it weren't for Superman being on this cover, I'd believe that everybody was falling into a large, gaping, poorly wiped butthole. But Superman makes me believe that they can fly. Supergirl actually looks like she's falling down and her screaming face helps sell it. Lex just looks like he's trying to catch space debris in his mouth. Those rocks must be made of kryptonite.

For the last five issues, things have been converging. They were really converging well and the converging seemed to be speeding up. I imagine the converging will continue with this issue and it will converge into a frothing convergence of convergy convergence by the end of the next issue culminating in a convergence of convergimate convergences in the epic last issue. Unless there's a huge twist! Maybe things won't converge at all. What if they wind up...diverging?!

I see Scott Lobdell is back in the credits so I'm preparing myself for some really crappy characterizations. But Ed Benes is drawing, so I've also got my dick in my hand. Here come the over-sized boobies and sexually charged poses! Look! Here's one right on the first page!

Oh yeah! Bend over, Cyborg! Bend over like Beckham!

Cyborg isn't really bending over. He's actually kind of squatting. But that's still sexy because I'm picturing him doing it over a glass coffee table.

When Batman was asking J'onn about whatever he's witnessed and he says, "You and your team have traveled across the universe and back," I assumed Batman was talking about Stormwatch. That's a team that will make your eyelids catch fire when they describe the things they've seen. But Batman is talking about Justice League Canada. Seriously, Batman? You're going to get your news from that chicken little outfit?

Is that a saying? "Chicken Little Outfit"? It sounds like a fast food restaurant. Now I want Popeyes.

Justice League Canada's weekly hockey game has been interrupted by a strange planet forcing its way into The New 52 Universe. Superman and Supergirl are also there to witness the cosmic birth. Or cosmic bowel movement. Tomayto, tomahto.

The Red Lanterns have also stopped by, even the dead ones like Zilius Zox! That stupid ass Oracle that Lobdell created has also come by to watch and probably say nothing and do even less. Why is that character still being used in the DC Universe?! It's fucking--and I have to say this no matter how much flack I get for it because nobody has come up with a word that means the same thing but without the inherent insult toward the mentally handicapped--retarded. And since nobody has given me an equitable word, I think we need to agree that the word "retarded" means something totally stupidly fucking fucked up and nothing else. Here's a crazy idea! Stop letting language tell us what to do! We make the fucking rules here! Language isn't in the saddle riding mankind! Mankind is in the saddle riding mankind!

*sigh* She's my girlfriend.

On the first page (you can look at it yourself because I scanned it), the story begins with "Our Universe. Now." But that has no meaning because all of the Red Lanterns are there and hanging out and being a team and not worrying about the ones that should be dead (this being, you know, now). The Guardians of the Universe are watching the heroes watching the planet instead of laying around all murdered by Sinestro. So this is some weird kind of definition of "now" that's beyond my comprehension. I said earlier that language doesn't rule us but we do, at first, need to have some kind of consensus before we change it. First we begin with a nomination like I did earlier. "I nominate that we allow 'retarded' to mean what we want it to mean without a bunch of feelings getting hurt because we've moved the horrible definition of 'retarded' to...let's say...kumquat! If somebody calls you a kumquat, you should get super duper bent out of shape about it and wag your finger like crazy and feel eminently superior to the person who actually used that word! Any seconds?!" But you can't just begin calling people kumquats and expect them to get offended until we've had the caucus and made a decision about the change! King and Lobdell have just gone with their own definition of the word 'now' and it's got me completely befuddled!

The planet is, of course, Planet Brainiac. And it's got an offer for enrollment which The New 52 just can't refuse! Although they already did refuse it five years from now in Futures End. So I guess Planet Brainiac wants to show them what they're missing and bring Multiversal Thunderdome to their doorstep.

Meanwhile Deimos has given the citizens of all of the cities on Telos one hour to allow him to rule them. I don't think it's a legitimate offer though because he tells Yolanda that he's just going to use their deaths to begin a new Deimos-themed universe. Everybody will have boring white nerd goatees and collars that poke out more eyes than childhood toys.

So I'm guessing something will happen this issue that will reverberate through the week's Convergence titles? Maybe they'll get Deimos's offer in the next ten issues I read.

The Earth Twofers stumble upon the Teen Titans who just got their asses kicked by the Extremists. Again! I can't believe they're worse than Justice League International! And Changeling's jokes aren't as funny either!

Pacifist Superman has completely forgotten that he's pacifist now because he's flown right in to beat the crap out of Lord Havok. I think it's like a game of Chinese Telephone (unless that's racist! Why was it called Chinese Telephone (Chinese Whispers to you other racists around the world!) in the first place? I bet because it was racist!) where each subsequent writer taking on the job of writing pacifist Superman has given him slightly more violent tendencies until he's become what we see now in Convergence. He's the same old punch drunk motherfucker from Krypton that we're all used to! Except this one is black.

Was that racist?! What would a game of African Telephone sound like? I'm not going to answer that! Think up your own (probably extremely racist) answers!

Why was any game about talking on the telephone about how confusing it was?! Did people have a hard time understanding each other on the phone because their minds were boggling over the seemingly impossibility of the technology?!

You don't have to answer any of these questions. I'm smarter and more racist than you so I already know all of the answers! The questions are simply for entertainment purposes!

Does he look like he's sporting a huge disco collar?

Another Superman arrives with another Flash and a Batgirl and a Speedy. The Extremists remember the beating they took from the guy with the bow and arrow and decide it's time to go join Deimos. That's a good idea because The Extremists can't be defeated. Except by Silver Sorceress and Scrub Jay who know their secret: they're amusement park animatronics!

Or completely fuck up all of the timelines forever.

Non-pacifist Superman (I mean the one that never once claimed to be a pacifist!) sends everybody to go recruit more heroes to battle Deimos. They all run off in separate directions leaving Dick and Clark to stand there thinking how awkward it would be if neither one tried to kiss the other one.

They don't kiss but they do flirt a little bit. Superman tells Dick Grayson that he's the heart of the heart of the DC Universe and that he's going to save them all by becoming best friends with Telos. Then while Dick is giving Telos one of those "best friend handjobs" that Doom Bunny tells me are the best way to show friendship, Superman will punch Telos in the back of the head and knock him unconscious! Then all the DC Timelines will win! Except the Justice Riders because they're all dead.

Jay Garrick recruits Superboy and then runs into Barry Allen just before Barry Allen runs so fast that he disintegrates for thirty years. I hope they race to see who is the fastest man alive while Dick hunts down Telos!

"Now show me that planet-sized cock of yours!"

Dick must have a really soft touch because Telos agrees to help save everyone in just a few strokes. I bet that's why he decides to move the planet into The New 52 multiverse! They beat Brainiac so that's the only place left to live! Time to move everybody into the seven empty mystery universes in The New 52! Whoo whoo! Train's leaving! All aboard for Sugartown!

Superman and friends confront Deimos and point out that a lot is greater than one. But Deimos points out that the equation is more like a lot is less than X and X is a lotta lot! X even includes stupid Billy Batson! Doesn't he know he's supposed to be a good guy?! Jerko!

Convergence #6 Rating: Your lips are moving! That means you're lying! I may be old but I'm not dumb! Oh. Sorry! Every time I turn on the radio it seems that song is playing. I'm going to write some songs about other trite sayings like...well, I can't think of any at the moment! It's hard to come up with cliches when everything you write is so original! I should probably rate this issue! It gets Seven Cosmic Bowel Movements out of Ten because it wasn't horrible and it was better than mediocre. I'm still working out the kinks in my system! I'm not actually equipped to do real comic book reviews. I mean, I didn't even throw in the obligatory paragraph where I say how the art matched the tone and how I wouldn't have even noticed the coloring if I wasn't doing a review where I'm supposed to be critical of the entire comic book.

Divergence #6
This isn't a thing. Why are you reading this paragraph?! Look! There's Howard the Duck!

Convergence #5

The triceratops is all, "Fuck this crazy shit! Imma gonna go eat some weeds!"

Don't you hate when people talk for animals? It's so arrogant and almost always not funny at all. I think those kinds of people are the same kinds of people who hear somebody make a subtle self-deprecating joke and then repeat the joke bluntly to the person as if the person making the joke didn't mean to make fun of themselves. It's like, "We're all in the same fucking room as the animal. We have observed what it just did and also thought it was cute and/or funny and/or horribly disgusting. We don't need some asshole ruining the moment by saying in a high-pitched voice, 'I sure love the taste of my butt!'" There are only three people allowed to speak while animals are doing things: David Attenborough, Marlin Perkins, and that Honey Badger dude. And I think two of them are dead. So be prepared to hear a lot of "Sloths don't give a shit" and "Penguins are nasty" with your animal videos!

The first page of Convergence #5 is technically the inside cover which is an advertisement for Loot Crate. Don't read this paragraph if you get offended when people make fun of shit you love and you also love Loot Crate. Why the fuck would I pay for a random assortment of bullshit that a whole bunch of other people are getting as well? Most of it is random tchotchkes I didn't ask for. The only tchotchkes I want in my house are ones I specifically picked out because they were of interest to me. And most of the random tchotchkes in my house right now I can't fucking stand to look at. Except for my paranormal Collect Club figurines. Those fucking rock your face off. With Loot Crate, do I get a crazy thrill running into people wearing the same Goddamned shirt that I'm wearing? Are we supposed to high five and then buttfuck? I mean, the buttfucking would be cool but not the highfiving. But seriously, what a terrific service! I get to pay like thirteen bucks a month for somebody to clutter up my fucking space! Sounds terrific!

Now, I totally understand the appeal of the "opening a present on Christmas morning feeling" unless it's actually an "opening a present on a non-denominational day feeling" or maybe even an "I've never opened a present in my life because I'm a Jehovah's Witness and now I feel bad so thanks a lot jerk feeling." Oh! That's why Loot Crate is so great! It allows Jehovah's Witnesses to discover the thrill of opening presents without it actually being a present because it's a paid service! Loot Crate is a miracle to the Jehovah's Witness community! I'm all turned around on it!

"All over my face! Hi yo!"

Dick Grayson is pretty funny, right? Get a load of his next joke!

If he were more like Batman would he have his wife and child? Ha ha ha! Oh man. Tears! So many tears from laughing!

Deimos has Skyped Brainiac (the actual Brainiac!) who is currently living in a four inch studio uSphere. He wants to taunt him and maybe make a deal to free him if it can make Deimos the lord of everything. But first he has to reveal to Telos his true shape and name and previous life. I think he might have been Strongbow from Elfquest.

Deimos's story is actually kind of boring. I thought he was going to tell him he was Jimmy Olsen or Steve Dayton or Lenny Shapiro. Instead he's just some king or something with a family who gave himself to Brainiac to protect his world. Boring! Although Dick is really into that story because Dick just got done Narration Boxing all that boring shit about how he lost his family too. So now he's all, "We are Telos! Telos is we! Or us! Whatever!"

Later a female character dies because comic books. Look at all of Warlord's angst and sadness! It's a good thing he still has his sexy cat at home.

Even laterer, Deimos pulls out the heart of Machiste. I think he was one of Warlord's buddies. It's a really bad time to be a friend of Travis Morgan, Warlord!

Once Deimos kills Machiste, Val-zod decides it's time to punch things. But he's a little ambiguous about whether it's the right move. Not because violence is always the wrong choice. He stopped believing that many, many issues ago. No, he just isn't sure they should fight because fighting is what Brainiac wants. It's interesting, isn't it? For once his pacifism would be a useful trait and yet he's completely abandoned it so he can act like every other fist-throwing, hot-headed super hero in the DC Universe. Excuse me. Multiverse.

Maybe his plan is just to hug him really, really hard?

I'm so disappointed that Val-zod has been turned into just another brawler. What a waste.

While Val-zod struggles with Deimos, the rest of the heroes just stand and watch, mouths agape. No need to help Superman, right?! Eventually, The Flash goes running off somewhere to do something while Alan Scott tries to befriend old whats-his-name. But too late because whats-his-name decides he's still just Telos and everybody is fucked.

How about just continuing to stand there and ignore your power ring?

Deimos banishes Brainiac so he can't be released even though he brought him to release him to gain power. I guess he rethought his plan and realized it was a pretty idiotic plan. Best to keep the master of this world off of it, right?

After banishing Brainiac, Warlord comes crashing through the wall on a triceratops. It's probably all, "Fuck you! I don't give a shit! I'm nasty!" I'm sure Deimos is trembling in his fanciful boots now. He just defeated a Kryptonian and a Speedster. Now he's going to be defeated by a guy in a loincloth with a sharp piece of metal? And dinosaurs. I guess he has dinosaurs. But vegetarian dinosaurs! Please!

I guess it's not a good time to be Travis Morgan, Warlord, either.

This seems symbolic of something! If only I were smart enough to figure it out. Like maybe comic books like Warlord, which were big hits among the youth at one time, have no place in comic books anymore. They've grown old and outdated and long past their prime. It's as if DC realizes that some of their past comic books actually can be put to rest. How about thinking the same way with your war books?! Enough with the GI Combats and the Mens of War and the Star Spangled War Stories! Make them age into dust too!

I bet Telos is the real Travis Morgan and that's why Skartaris was at the center of the world and that's who Telos really is! If that doesn't turn out to be the case, I should remember to come back and delete this paragraph or else it will be an embarrassment to my comic book reading skills!

The castle collapses and everybody but Yolanda escapes. Yolanda is helped out by Deimos so that she can pretend to be his buddy and then slit his throat at a crucial moment. Dick Grayson finds a batarang in the rubble because the time he found a batarang in World's End has been forgotten. It needed to be reinforced that he will become the next Earth-2 Batman. At least he's better than the last Earth-2 Dick Grayson who insisted on wearing that hybrid Batman and Robin costume.

Oh yeah. Telos has disappeared as well. That might be important later.

Deimos heads into Brainiac's radio station to deliver a message to all of the cities. If they band with him, he will allow them all to exist. Of course they'll owe him a favor or two. They'll probably decline, being heroes and all. But I guess it's worth the effort because when they say no, he can act angry and offended and crush them without feeling guilty about it.

Convergence #5 Rating: Now that I've finished all of the first issues of the Convergence series, I'm beginning to get back into it. I won't have to read the same Telos speech forty times in a row, so that's a plus. And since the stories have all been set up, I get to write about how horribly they conclude all of their stories! That will be fun! As for this Convergence series, I'm enjoying it. It's weird that Telos and the domes and Brainiac are supposedly so powerful that nobody could ever escape. But then Deimos comes along and kicks everything's ass. I hope they explain how Deimos got hold of all the time travelers. I think Brainiac simply separated them from all of their home timelines so none of them could use time travel to fuck up his plans. And he stored them in Skartaris because time there is wonky, according to the dinosaurs and King Beauregard of the Tumblr Comments Section of most commentaries. He's like my Yoda but taller. Probably.

I didn't take the time to do a Scribbly Jibbet drawing this time but it probably would have had two or three penises in it.

Convergence #4

That bald guy on the left should be fighting and not masturbating furiously.

It's Warlord! It's Warlord! He makes a snickity sound!

Hmm. That's all the energy I have for that song. Anyways, I've seen Warlord in ads in a bunch of old comics but never once have I read one of his comics. He must have been popular because his comic ran for eight years or something. I should ask Lord Google so I can go back and edit that statement to be precise so that I can drop the "or something."

The comic lasted 133 issues which makes my guess off by three years! That's even more impressive than my first impression! Just imagine if Tony S. Daniel had been drawing it! It probably would have lasted another ten years! Plus the whole 90s comic book art vibe could have begun much earlier! Look at this cover! It's full of grit and action and well-muscled wank material! I'm feeling so adult just looking at it! So very, very adult!

This issue begins with Telos holding Dick in his hands like a baby bird that has fallen (or been pushed by some asshole cuckoo (like The Joker! More apt! Pretend the "fallen" part was in parentheses instead!)) out of its nest. He's been Killing Joked which means he needs to become the new Oracle because it's about time a man had the job. Goddamn women have been trying to take men's jobs ever since men beat and raped them into second class citizens so long ago. How dare they try to change the natural order of things?! Remember how God made woman to be man's servant? No wait. I don't think you do remember if you're thinking of only the rib thing. In actuality, God tried to fix Adam up with every fucking animal in the world before he thought of creating a female variant of man.

Genesis 2:18-20: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

So don't try that fucking "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" bullshit on me! Seems more like it was "Adam and every animal on Earth that God tried to set him up with!"

I understand people will interpret the previous Biblical passage in whatever way they've learned to interpret it by the dogma of the church. But I'm just reading it the way it was written! God says he'll make Adam a help meet and then precedes to introduce him to every animal ever. Afterwards, Adam is all, "Dude. None of these interest me." So that's when God makes Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. Seems pretty clear to me that God doesn't mind bestiality.

Also, I just realized it might be purposefully misunderstood by some jerks that I might be equating homosexuality with bestiality in that previous digression! Well I wasn't. So there.

Join? I thought they were just the guest judges?

Telos sets Dick up with an organic metal suit to help him with his newly shattered spine and to make him less like Oracle and more like Broken Bat Batman. Was that ever an action figure? That should have been an action figure. Or at least an accessory to a Bane figure.

Meanwhile in Skartaris, Val-zod mentions how he doesn't kill unarmed men. Don't worry, Val! That'll change soon enough. I remember when you wouldn't even punch somebody and now you're a violent whirlwind of fists and feet.

Skartaris must have been one of the first cities Brainiac collected and placed on Telos because he completely fucked it up. It's not domed. It's in the center of the planet. It's got a plan to return everybody to Earth. How is it that Telos can't see what's going on deep inside of him? It's like he shoved Skartaris up his ass and simply forgot about it. Or was too embarrassed to get help dislodging it.

Time must flow differently on Skartaris if Warlord just noticed Skartaris moved. Or maybe Warlord just isn't very observant.

Back on the surface, Dick Grayson begins questioning Telos's plan. Will it become up to Dick Grayson to save everybody by being the nice guy? Will he convince Telos that it will be more fun if Telos lets them all survive? Maybe he can also convince Telos to save the universes that go along with each of these cities and let them all exist in this place that is no place and in no time! Then DC Comics can eat all of their cakes while also having their cakes uneaten too!

Do all ideas have value, Dick? Do they? What about this Convergence one you're trying to stop because it has no value?! How about when a male child is born, we begin removing their penises and surgically attaching them to their foreheads? Does that idea have value? What about a parallel reality where rape jokes actually are funny? Value or no value?

Beneath the surface, Deimos has ditched his new friends to search for the Time Masters. Yolanda has followed him because the Twofers don't trust him anymore. That'll happen when you decide to align yourself with the first person you meet on a strange planet. Deimos offers to tell Yolanda all about Telos and his plans and how to defeat him but Yolanda is an idiot. Instead of gathering information from Deimos, she decides to try to kill him instead. Yolanda would be a terrible gamer. This shit is all about timing, Yolanda! Even if you think Deimos needs to be killed, you don't simply try to kill him at every opportunity. You wait until you have to make a move against him. Right now, he was offering you information! Take it and then maybe try to kill him. Or take it and join him! Or take it and masturbate upside down while picturing Snorlax naked and being anally fisted by Meowth while his payday power rains money all around them. Do anything you can think of but do it after you've learned what Deimos was going to tell you!

Deimos easily defeats Yolanda and then he defeats Shakira, Warlords's cat and/or girlfriend. He then begins draining the Time Masters of their powers so that he can use the power to take over the multiverse.

Telos and Dick Grayson arrive in time to see Deimos use his new time powers to convene a meeting with the real Brainiac who is still trapped in a uSphere.

Now I have the I Dream of Jeannie theme stuck in my head.

Convergence #4 Rating: It's weird. I sometimes have to wonder why I've been doing this comic book blog for the last three and a half years. I'm definitely not as passionate about comic books as most comic book fans. I realized when I glanced at this cover and knew it was by Tony S. Daniel that I don't ever remember being so into comic books that I could normally do that. Sure, I could recognize some of the most obvious cover artists of the time. Simon Bisley, for instance. You know, I could recognize the covers that any true comic fan would scoff at and mutter, "Obvious!" Passionate fans remember the issue number of comics that meant something to them. I remember, vaguely, the title of a series that I once read that had a story that I kind of remember enjoying. What I'm trying to say is why am I doing this blog?! There are so many other people better suited to a task like this because they actually remember the last thirty years or more of comic book character histories! I remember everything that happened in Elfquest and Cerebus and Shade the Changing Man and that's about it. The rest is just blurry, vague impressions of stories I either liked or didn't like. Even Suicide Squad which is my favorite "masks" comic book, I can only recall a handful of moments that have truly stuck with me.

So why am I doing this? Fuck if I know. I just know that one of the things I truly love about comic books is the never-endingness of it all. The stories just keep going and going and the heroes persevere and survive and keep on keeping on and there's something magical in that which feeds my need for something eternal, no matter how illusory. Plus there is a lot of punching and pretty pictures!

Anyway, Convergence earns five out of five Who Gives A Rat's Asses.

Convergence #3

What is the name of the villain with the knife? Gloryhole? Squick-Lass? Trepansy?

On a planet completely separated from all space and time, a battle to end all battles to end all battles is taking place! Sounds exciting, doesn't it?! Well, that battle isn't the concern of Convergence. Convergence follows the exploits of six lost Twofers tasked with ending the exciting battle before it can come to a satisfying conclusion. What a bunch of jerks! I'm paying four bucks a pop reading a bunch of comic books about super heroes battling to their deaths and these guys are trying to stop any of those deaths from taking place? If they fucking succeed, they'll owe me three hundred and twenty dollars for wasting my money! Then I'll make eighty dollars because I get a 25% discount on all of my comic books! I hope they succeed!

This issue begins with Green Lantern reminding the readers what was happening because it's been a whole week since we read the last issue and how can any of us be bothered to remember shit from last week? We can't even remember shit we texted to our friends because we were talking to other friends while texting and now neither of the conversations filtered into our long term memory. Fucking multitasking! You're ruining our brains! Any time somebody proudly proclaims to me that they're great at multitasking, my brain reinterprets what they're saying as "I will never fucking remember anything you tell me."

Having grown up an absent-minded person, I had to learn early on ways to keep from losing everything I ever set down. One of the first things I realized which helped me immensely was that if my mind was engaged on some task when I set something down, I'd never remember where I set that thing down. I had to train myself to always put things down in the same spot so I would never have to remember where I left something while my mind was otherwise occupied. Of course now if I leave my keys or wallet anywhere but in the place I've trained myself to leave them, they're fucking lost man! Also, you know how when you leave the house you can't remember if you turned off the curling iron or the oven or the home cat crematorium? It's because you almost definitely turned it off by rote. You don't remember that shit because you just do it as you're thinking about the other things you're doing. You're not actively concentrating on it, so it doesn't stick in your mind.

All that is to say multitasking is a fucking bullshit lie told by people who want to appear constantly busy (because that means they're living life to the lifiest!). Multitasking doesn't mean you're saving time. It means you're doing two or more things more shittily than if you were doing just the one thing. It also means that you're not going to retain details of both tasks. You will invariably concentrate more on one task and that will be the one you remember better. Although you'd remember it even betterer if it were the only task you were engaged in.

Multitasking can work though which is why the lie continues to be spread! But it only works in certain situations like if one of the tasks is something a monkey could do, or, you know, something you've done so often that you need no concentration on it. It also helps if one of the activities doesn't need to be remembered. So washing dishes and having a conversation with the man you're hiring to kill your husband is a valid multitasking situation. But having a conversation with your dying mother while texting your girlfriend about that weird mole on the underside of her breast isn't. Sure, you can do it! But you really should be fully present in only one of those situations at a time.

I listen to podcasts while I work because my job is so mechanical. But if a customer messes up my pattern of buffing the floor, I easily forget which aisles of the store I've buffed because I wasn't really paying enough attention to log it into my long term memory.

I know, I know! You're all the greatest multitaskers ever and I'm just an idiot and what I just said doesn't make any sense because you're so fucking awesome at all the multitasking ever! Don't listen to me then! I don't give a shit. Live your life the way you want to live it, man! Also, go read shit from people that completely agree with everything you think because that's fucking healthy.

Back to Green Lantern, here's what he had to say about last issue.

I couldn't even be bothered to crop this scan so that Green Lantern's entire face would show.

Why the fuck does Alan Scott correct himself from "we hope" to "no, we pray"? What the fuck is the difference besides adding a little delusion to your hoping? I can understand hoping to find a weapon. You're actively looking for a weapon and would like it to end in a positive manner. But what the fuck is up with adding the praying to it? Does that add a bleaker tone of desperation to the scene?

Deimos offers to lead the others underground where, I'm assuming, a kingdom of rebels who have escaped Telos's cities have gathered together in some kind of Anti-Telos dome of their own. But then they're attacked by Planet Brainiac's robots! Val-zod is dragged off in a smart web because that seems totally logical. Plus Alan tells The Flash that "at this rate, we'll never fight our way clear of them!" "At this rate"?! How about if The Flash stops fucking slowing down to say stupid shit like "Let's play Need for Speed! Oh look I won! Ha ha!" and just grab all the robots in one nanosecond and leave them on the other side of the planet?

Meanwhile Planet Brainiac threatens the Kandorians because they're the only city refusing to fight. I guess they didn't get matched up with another city then? Because every other city seems to have been matched up with at least one other city that is just dying to go to war! The Kandorians have way too much time to stand around philosophizing. Somebody send an Extremist or two into their midst. That will change their tune from "We're Not Gonna Take It" to some song about fighting and is current so I don't totally show my age.

Not to be (but I'm going to be anyway) pedantic but it's continued exposure to yellow sunlight! I guess this planet being lit by florescent Brainiac bulbs isn't going to help much.

Val-zod is saved by Dick Grayson and Thomas Wayne arriving on the scene in the Bat-Spaceship. But it's broken now because it was only leased for about three pages of use. Hopefully Thomas got more than the Bat-Spaceship from Bruce (like information, maybe?) because what good was the side trip to Gotham if the thing they gained was only used for three pages? Am I supposed to feel the trip was worth it because an obsolete version of Bruce Wayne got a warm fuzzy from getting to speak with a drug-addicted version of his father? The only way the trip was worth it is if we get some flashbacks to the scene of Alfred and Dick dueling with their cocks as they wait for Thomas and Bruce to stop hugging and crying.

Thomas reveals what he learned after visiting one Gotham: "Every city is either on the attack or under siege." I'm going to assume that he visited every other city in the Bat-Spaceship before returning to the other Twofers. Although he must have missed Kandor because they were engaged in their weekly book club.

By the way, Planet Brainiac kills all of the Kandorians because they were all crying like middle schoolers over their discussion of The Fault in Our Stars.

The Twofers decide they have no choice but to trust Deimos and follow him to whatever trap he's leading them into. Batman and Robin decide to stay behind because Batman is out of Miraclo (and Venom too, apparently). Besides, he sensed that somebody followed them from Gotham even though they were in a Bat-Spaceship and flew all around the world figuring out every city was engaged in the war. It must be somebody with an anti-bat ship! Like all of Batman's villains on the cover.

Skartaris must be where Charles Foster Kane went on that picnic.

The Twofers have made allies with the wrong character of the Warlord comic book! Now they're going to be viewed as the bad guys! I'm sure once they get their asses beat by Warlord, they'll turn on Deimos and join forces with the "good" guy.

In the heart of Skartaris, Shakira, Warlord's friend and/or pet cat, is collecting DC Characters with time powers inside a big glass bauble. She's trying to keep them from falling into the hands of Deimos who wants to clear up his wrinkles, I guess.

Back on the surface, Batman and Robin are attacked by a bunch of Bat-villains. Robin is pulled clear by Man-bat which allows Thomas to blow himself up. That kills all of the villains too, I believe. Now I hope Pre-Zero Hour Gotham survives (or whatever Gotham these guys are from) so that DC Comics can begin a Batman comic book with a whole bunch of new villains. What would become of a Batman living in a city that's pretty fucking safe and an enjoyable place to live?!

I think this page was misaligned by the printer.

Convergence #3 Rating: So Planet Brainiac is a little bit judgy, is he? How dare he condemn The Joker! As if he's the worst person to have ever lived! And in every timeline too! I'm supposed to believe the Joker is worse than Gertrude Stein?! Or post-religious zealot Dave Sim?! Or every troll on the internet even?! The Joker is getting a bad rap here. Also is Dick Grayson really paralyzed? How can he become the new Earth-2 Batman if he has to become the new Earth-2 Oracle?! This book is confusing!

Convergence #2

The hero of every conflict in which an artificial intelligence tries to start a war: Tic Tac Toe Man!

Between the color scheme and the fact this guy is punching Superman, it's obviously Lex Luthor. More simple-minded people who think they're "with it" and "culturally appropriate" or "another term I just made up for my list" might think of it as a hashtag. But hashtags are stupid retarded. #offensive #insensitive #IsThereAnAcceptableWordToCallPeopleThatBasicallyMeansRetardedButDoesn'tGetMeYelledAt? #semantics

You know whose hashtags I just love to hate? My cousin Jennifer's! But since you don't know her, I also can't stand Scott Lobdell's instagram hashtags. I think he thinks he's funny. But then again, I think I'm funny and I just used the word "retard" so my judgment might be impaired. I'm going to invoke "old man privilege" and say that I can use the word retard in a lovingly curmudgeonly way. Also I'm an old man so I don't know how to "check my privilege." I do know how to act confidently in my own opinions though! Here's an essay I wrote to prove it:

The Way of the World
By Grunion Guy

Have you heard all the things the young people are saying? Boy are they not good at saying things! It's like "slang word" this and "phrase somebody else came up with but they're going to stick with it to sound cool" that! It's like I always tell my cat: "Get an imagination, you freeloader!" And why do they keep ranting about the meaning of the word "feminist"?! In my day, feminists knew their place! I think that place was Sunday morning on cable access shows! And now they're all, "Blah blah equality is awesome!" And the anti-feminists are all, "Blah blah equality sucks, you idiots!" Who are you supposed to believe?! It's like the media says: "Every opinion deserves equal weight and airtime!" Sometimes when I lie down in bed, I can't fall asleep because there's a bit of kitty litter under my back and it makes me super uncomfortable but not quite uncomfortable enough to sweep it out of the bed. Goddamn cat! Wipe your paws off before getting into bed like the person you think you are! Asshole.

Back when I first went to Comic-con, long before all of this Tumblr crap where young people tell you how to behave because you're old and probably have gross opinions and they think old people haven't already been over the same fucking ground they're going over, I took pictures of cosplayers and booth babes! I've got a whole stack of pictures from back then. And guess what, you angst-ridden bastards? Every fucking one of them has the person posing for me because even before you told me how to fucking act, I knew how to ask permission before getting a picture! You sound like a bunch of naive punks! Think you're going to change the world do you?! Well, good! I hope you do! Because other generations before kept trying and some almost fucking succeeded but then the money grubbing asshole parasites took charge and fucked up all the advances! You think Jimmy Carter was an impotent bitch? He was a prince of a man! He knew what the fucking world needed but he was naive to the machinations of the people that wanted power and was manipulated and painted as an incompetent prick by power hungry assholes that fucked up our entire world! War on drugs! Increasing tensions with the Soviet Union! Thank the Ever-Loving Fish God for Mikhail Gorbachev! So many other Soviet leaders would have gone as hard at Reagan as he went at them!

So good luck with your changes, you jerks! Get it right this time! All I ask is that you let me call a few Republicans retarded cunts every now and again! Remember, I'm too old and white to change (and I'm only half-white! But it really oppresses my Spanish half)! I'm on your side! Probably! Although if you're into any kind of religion then you can get your fucking God-fearing ass off of my lawn! I mean, you're welcome to come have an old man beer with me (Hamm's, probably) just don't tell me about Christ or Allah or Abraham or Mr. Hubbard. No, you know what. I changed my mind. Tell me all about them because mankind (or womankind (or dragonkin)) has come up with nothing so interesting as religion! Fascinating! Especially the Mormons! Hoo boy!

And what the hell is up with your music?! Why the fuck is it so good? Calm the fuck down, assholes. We get it! Your music is better than our music. You don't have to rub it on our fucking faces. Although have you listened to "Video Killed The Radio Star" lately? Classic! And "Jesse's Girl"? Brilliant! And anything by Rush with lyrics? Fuck songs without lyrics. I mean, I guess some of them are okay. But I think Beethoven's Fifth would have been easier to listen to with Beyoncé singing about cocks and surfboards or whatever you kids sing about these days. Fucking mostly, I think.

Why the hell does Beyoncé have to have an accent on her name? I suppose if I looked and sang like that, I'd throw a few odd pieces of letter punctuation on my name. "Letter punctuation"! Can you believe some college gave me an English degree?!

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah! The way of the world! It's terrible! Fix it!

Bibliography
The Internet. All the pages of it.
My Rapidly Degenerating Mind. The few parts I could access while I rambled.

Let's read a comic book!

Now I can't even remember if this kid's name was Johnny or Tommy! I'm pretty sure they got it wrong here!

Maybe Babs wanted to name their son Johnny but Dick had really wanted his son to be named Tommy. So once Babs was dead, Dick decided to just start calling his son by the name he wanted. So now this kid is confused because his mother has disappeared, his father keeps ditching him, and he doesn't even know what his name is anymore. Plus I think he's a few years older here than when he was first introduced. I just hope he grows up to be the Earth-2 Tommy Monaghan.

For some fucking reason (because DC Comics has incompetent editors?), the first few pages of this issue recount that time when Twofer Dick Grayson abandoned his son to an unknown gigantic woman obviously trying to hide her face behind some ratty robes. Perhaps the editors realized that hardly anybody was reading World's End by the time this scene happened, so it could use a revisionist telling. At least little Johmmy is allowed to speak this time instead of just silently accepting that his dad was abandoning him yet again.

Part of the revisionist telling of this scene is that Dick tried to board an escape plane with Babs's police officer credentials but was refused because she wasn't with him. In World's End, he was simply refused because only children with mothers were being allowed on board. Fuck the orphaned children, amirite? What a burden!

"We're in charge of rescuing you! Now die!"

At the last second, Barda leans out of the closing gates and says, "Give me the boy. Hurry! I'm hungry!" And Dick is all, "Here! Save hi...wait what?!" But by then it's too late! Barda has taken his son and disappeared onto one of the final escape ships. It blew up anyway which explains why Dick wasn't moaning about having to find his son after he gave him up this final time.

No, the sun was already blocked by Apokolips surrounding the Earth. If you're going to try to woo me with your flowery language, Dick Grayson, at least try to make it less obvious that it's a complete fabrication.

After Dick's reminiscence, he wakes up in a mass of metal pinning him in place. The other escapees from Earth-2 are stuck in the metal morass beside him.

Of course you can hear her! She didn't say you were unconscious! She said you were TKO! And that doesn't mean Totally Knocked Out!

You might not be able to tell by her skin tone that Yolanda is Mexican but she says "home-boy" which is a clue. I think. I don't know. Maybe she's just half-latina. My mother is full Spanish but after living away from California for over fifteen years and living in Portland, I'm pretty fucking pasty. I used to be able to call my skin color olive! Now I'm whitey-white white white. I think that's a Crayola Crayon color.

I think I've been White-Washed!

Planet Brainiac explains to the Twofers that they will be the judges in his contest. Right now, he's pitting the Futures End world against a world "born of a great creator whose time was short-lived but who moved on to serve his purpose on another planet!" Is that code for an artist or writer that only worked for DC for a short time before going to Marvel and being a big shot? Oh, I see! It's Stan Lee's versions of the DC characters (currently living on Earth-6 of The New 52!). I bet they get killed off! 'nuff said!

I know I said "'nuff said" but I should probably replace my supposition with fact: Stan Lee's characters are most definitely and irrevocably slaughtered. Dead. Gone. Fuck you, Stan the Man! Eat it!

While Planet Brainiac is jerking it to his Hungry, Hungry Royale Games, the Twofers break free from their shackles!

Somebody get Jeff King a dictionary opened to the word "pacifist"!

Alan Scott manages to pull power from the planet Telos (even if that doesn't make any sense. Comic books! Alternately: Fuck you!) and use it against Planet Brainiac. He falls long enough for the heroes to regroup and for Dick to judge Batman when he catches him shooting up with Miraclo. He's an old man, Dick! If the Miraclo is helping him to fight and he's helping y'all save lives, perhaps you should choke on your fucking lectures until later. If you all happen to save the day, you can gather up the last of the Twofers, find some folding chairs, practice your holier-than-thou attitude, and have an intervention. Until then, mind your own fucking business. You don't see him telling you how to raise your son!

Although maybe he should. Father of the year he wasn't. But better than you? Oh yeah.

Planet Brainiac reforms and points out that he did tell them that he was the planet. So, you know, they're going to have to destroy the planet to defeat him. That gives Val-zod an idea! Maybe if he punches him in the face, he can defeat him!

Surprisingly, that doesn't work. Sigh. Remember when Val-Zod used to think violence was useless? And remember that time, just previous to this, when he was shown that violence was, once again, useless? And now his big plan is more useless violence? Did the editors at DC forget to give Jeff King notes on who this character was?

At least Planet Brainiac realizes the futility of Val's violence and decides to go enjoy his game somewhere in peace. He sinks back into the ground and leaves the Twofers to whatever idiocy they can come up with next.

I get that Green Lantern derived his powers from the Parliament of Earth and his relationship with the planet. But that does not mean his powers are derived from any planet he visits. Of course, it doesn't mean they don't either! So, yay!

Alan Scott's Green Lantern will be a much more interesting character if he derives different powers depending on the planet he's on because his powers come from the planet. Of course that would only be interesting if he does a lot of space travel which I don't think the Justice Society did much of. If, you know, they could help it.

Alan Scott learned that Planet Brainiac fears something and that something has to do with a ruined city nearby and an underground kingdom (or something). Flash, Superman, Green Lantern, and Yolanda head off to investigate while Batman and Robin run off to a nearby Gotham to recruit some allies. It's another chance for Bruce to meet his father!

Why the fuck do they need you? So you can write a shitty article about their experiences when it's all over?

Batman and Dick infiltrate Gotham and Thomas is able to find the Batcave. He disappears to search the place while Dick meets Barbara Gordon on Skype and Alfred in the flesh. Babs doesn't get a good look at him and Alfred doesn't seem to recognize him but he did give Dick Barbara's name and mentioned Bruce built this cave, so he must have an inkling that this Dick is a Dick he can trust.

Meanwhile upstairs, a meeting between father and son took place. It might have been interesting but half of it was blocked by Dick Grayson's speculating Narration Boxes. Dick didn't have access to the images but we, the readers, did. So how about giving us access to the conversation as well instead of Dick's fucking audio commentary track? Especially since his stupid track was more about his guilt over ditching his son than about Batman and Batman's meeting.

The other group of Twofers stumble upon the bodies of the Justice Riders and a bunch of Thanagarian feathers. Yolanda cries because that's the appropriate social reaction when faced with the senseless death of others. I'm going to file that away in my memory banks so I can act appropriately if this ever happens to me.

There are words! She just said some of them!

Back in the Batcave, Bruce gives Thomas and Dick the keys to the Batmobile so that they can do their part in saving all of the cities. After they leave, we get a full page of Batman standing stoically without his cowl. It is not marred by Narration Boxes. It's everything that the meeting between father and son could have been if Jeff King had kept from over-writing the moment the way he did.

One of the best things about comic books is that they don't need to tell the reader how to feel. The art can do just about all of the heavy emotional lifting without being pedantic or patronizing. I really wish more writers utilized the medium and realized what it can do and how powerful it can be.

Green Lantern's group finally comes to the ruins of the city they were searching for where Alan finds an old Court of Owls' mask. They also rescue a man calling himself Deimos who tells them he can help lead them off of the planet. Since Alan Scott mentioned Planet Brainiac's fear stemming from something beneath the surface of the planet, could he then be talking about Skartaris where Travis "Warlord" Morgan lives? Maybe Planet Brainiac lost control of that city somehow? But if so, Deimos is the enemy of Warlord, so is he just going to use these heroes to try to defeat Warlord and take over Skartaris? Or maybe something else since I really don't know anything about the comic book Warlord and am just relying on the Who's Who entry from 1985!

Convergence #2 Rating: Minus Plus Double-Bad-Good. This comic book has a lot of writing problems! But they're of the type that I'd probably tend to ignore if I weren't writing a commentary on the book. I'd probably just read it and get giddy whenever some old character makes an appearance (like Red and Blue Superman!). Then I'd probably set it down and forget about it until Convergence #3 next Wednesday. So all in all, it won't be a classic but it was a comic book! And if you're interested in comic books, this was one of them! You should pick it up! Or pick up Saga! That's a comic book too!