Grayson #7

I hope Grayson tells a Batman and Robin story this issue while getting out of the shower naked.

I have a new comic strip character that I don't want to draw so I'm going to put the first script here and wait for somebody else to draw it and then we'll become a team and make tons of money and score with lots of groupies. The comic strip is called "Optimist Man" and it's about a super hero named Optimist Man! Here's the first comic:

Panel 1: Four kids in jeep stuck on train tracks. Train coming. "HEY OPTIMIST MAN! HELP US!"
Panel 2: Optimist Man floating/flying by side of car saying, "You kids are gonna be just fine!" Kids excitedly cheering, "Yay!"
Panel 3: Optimist Man flying away.
Panel 4: Side of train filling panel.

I think Optimist Man should have a sidekick named The Inspiration Kid! And maybe they'll occasionally team up with The Prayer. Optimist Man's nemesis will be Cynigal! She totally can't stand him and his credulous idiocy.

I can already smell the money! SMELL ME THE MONEY!

Anyway, last issue, Dick Grayson was trapped aboard the Carrier by some woman named The Gardener. He had just beat up Midnighter because Midnighter can only predict tactics of things he understands and Dick Grayson is full of shit Midnighter can't comprehend, things like happiness and joy and upbeat positivity! He's so disgusting he makes me want to puke rainbows.

Helena is currently trying to retrieve Paragon's brain before the Fist of Cain use it to destroy Tel Aviv. She'd like Dick at her side but he's gone off the grid. But Spyral is able to see through Dick's Hypnos and figure out where he is. They find out that he's with Midnighter and that Midnighter is currently utilizing Dick's Hypnos. Using Dick's Hypnos as a delivery system, Helena is going to allow Midnighter to see what she found out while interrogating the Fist of Cain who told her about the brain. What all of that means is that it looks like Midnighter will be Helena's partner for this mission while Dick remains trapped on The Carrier.

The Gardener is one of those ends justify the means people.

For some reason, The Gardener actually thinks that death and violence will stop humans from making better weapons to commit violence and cause death. I think her super power is naivety.

Dick's story about Bat-nets convinces The Gardener to open a door to Tel Aviv for him and Midnighter to step through. Which is a good thing because some asshole stepped on Helena's crossbow and broke it. What the fuck is she building her crossbow's out of? That more-paper-than-wood material they use in those dollar store planes? You know the ones that you put together in twenty seconds, stick a weight on the nose, and fly it into a wall where the wings crack and the whole thing crumbles? Those things are cool.

Now clear Midnighter's head!

And Midnighter really needs his head cleared! Because he's not supposed to kill anybody but what do you suspect he's up to?!

The soundtrack to most of the Friday the 13th films was by Harry Manfredini. I may have spelled that completely wrong since I'm only going by memory.

Dick knocks the knife out of the air and then beats up the band while complaining about how their music is completely ruined now because they're Fists of Cainanites. He even mentions roller skating to their songs with a cute redhead which is totally my thing! Not the cute redhead part but the mentioning roller skating as a metaphor for that awkward stage of youth where you first begin to explore your budding sexuality. I don't mean hand jobs and second bases! I just mean crushes and boners!

The leader of the Fist of Cain attacks Helena but gets shot in the face by Director Minos who decided to go on this mission because, according to Cirque du Soleil: Spyral, he's been taking this whole Paragon/Fists of Cain mission too personally. Instead of arguing with that, he's apparently decided to embrace it. Meanwhile to save the day, Dick Grayson squicks Paragon's Brain and everybody stops hating everybody and begins loving everybody. Dick wins with hugs!

In the Epilogue, Midnighter moves out of the Godgarden. I don't really know much about the Godgarden or how it fits into Stormwatch. Is it part of the Carrier? Something else? I've been assuming it was in the Carrier. But I don't know who this Gardener is anyway! Midnighter doesn't appreciate the games she's playing, whoever she is, and walks out on her. Maybe that means he's quitting Stormwatch altogether since he has to get ready for his own title in a few months.

Grayson #7 Rating: No change. Still probably the best written, cohesive, character driven DC Comic. I hope Midnighter and Dick Grayson become best friends. I think they'd get along great if they could just have a calm talk over coffee and waffles. They'd realize that they're not so different! Although the breakfast might end with Dick's hair on fire and Apollo screaming jealously at Midnighter. "Breakfast?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What the hell were you two doing that you'd wind up eating breakfast together?! Let me smell your breath!"

Twat Lobo #5

Finally, Cullen Bunn is delving into the one thing that always defined Lobo: romance!

See? Would I lie to you, loyal readers?

I just dug through a bunch of comic book boxes looking for issues of Lobo by Alan Grant and I only found from #48 on. It looks like the older issues remain in my childhood home. I also realized I don't have my run of The Demon. And now I feel empty inside! I think I need to plan a trip home soon to pick up all of my old comic books. Oh, and to see my mom!

I found a lot of comics that I'm surprised I owned. Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier #1. The first three issues of Identity Crisis. Maybe that's why I purchased the hardcover when it came out because I wanted to see how the story ended. But fuck all if I even remember reading the individual issues. I also discovered this gem which is relevant to the current Teen Titans run:

I don't remember this (or the other issues of The Power Company that I own) at all. I'm sure I purchased it on the strength of Busiek's Astro City.

The Power Company is about an eighth of an inch wider than other comics. I thought maybe new comics had shrunk not just in pages but in size, but Twat Lobo #5 is the same size as Lobo #54.

Anyway, let's turn our attention to far less interesting matters: Twat Lobo! The issue begins with Twat Lobo killing off yet another of Earth's would-be assassins. When is he going to have trouble killing one of them? I guess that will be the final target, right?

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

What does "just this side of binary code" mean? Are her spells just long strings of either Eye of Newt or Toe of Frog? TOE EYE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE.

Twat Lobo shoots Zarielle Thane in the face and walks away. I doubt she's dead though because Cullen Bunn gave her a name! She'll be back using Binary Magic!

Next on Twat Lobo's list is a guy named The Businessman. Sounds scary! To get some information on the whereabouts of The Businessman, Twat Lobo interrupts two employees fucking in the middle of the office on everybody's last day.

How does Twat Lobo know she could do better? Or he could do better? Whichever one he was actually talking to. And what does "better" even have to do with it? They just want to fuck before never seeing each other again! What does "better" have to do with it? Unless Twat Lobo knows instinctively how good each of these people are at fucking and he's just trying to hand down some friendly advice so they don't waste their time on awkwardly bad sex.

Up on the 42nd 23rd Floor, Twat Lobo discovers lots of dead security guards and a woman called The Pariah. She's from Xrexia, Czarnia's sister planet (whatever that means). And she's the last of her kind too! I guess that means these two are destined to fuckfight. It's plain to see! Especially if you close the comic book and look at the cover again. Yep! There it is! Fuckfighting right out in the open!

So they fuckfight for a bit with a lot of yakking about how Xrexia was destroyed when Czarnia blew up and how Czarnians and Xrexians are apparently the same species because sister planets and comic books and fuck you and what not.

She obviously doesn't know Twat Lobo very well. He gets a boner every time he kills.

Twat Lobo's kink for killing isn't anything near as strange as The Pariah's kink though.

Eww! Guts turn her on! Gross! She probably uses them like anal beads!

So Xrexia was colonized by anti-Emperor Czarnians and the Emperor was all, "Sure! No problem! Let them go live free from my rule!" You know, the way emperors always do. So understanding. I suppose he couldn't stop the initial batch from fleeing but according to Twat Lobo's recent flashback, the emperor did set up a policy of destroying all ships leaving Czarnia for Xrexia.

Apparently there is one of those ancient prophecies that like to impose themselves on comic book characters. This one states that one day The Pariah and The Lobo would bring back both of their races from ruination! But that can't happen because Twat Lobo has a code and that code says something about how The Pariah has to die for some reason. I guess she's one of the Earth Assassins and she's taking out her competition as well. So I guess she's the one with which Twat Lobo is going to have a tough time dealing!

The Pariah leaves Twat Lobo to heal because she really wants to save the fuck part of the fuckfight for later. After Twat Lobo heals, he finds half of The Businessman crawling for safety. Before Twat Lobo kills him, The Businessman delivers a message from The Pariah: she destroyed Czarnia, you fucking toolbag.

Twat Lobo #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I remember Real Deal Lobo's name meant something about one who devours one's entrails and thoroughly enjoys it. But Twat Lobo's name is a rank or a position. Has he explained that yet? I'd like him to re-explain it if he did because I missed it. It makes more sense that there is a prophecy about The Lobo and The Pariah if these were positions that existed for centuries on both planets. Anyway, this issue was much better than previous issues, probably because Twat Lobo never said, "Sorry. Not sorry." I hope Sheba returns soon.

Superman #38

This is actually a wrap-around cover but the back side is just a bunch of disembodied heads staring at Ulysses backside.

I hear Superman gets a new power in this issue! Do you think it has anything to do with how skinny his left leg is on this cover? Maybe he's going to gain super stretchy powers. I hope, after all that bullshit he went through against villains with mental powers in Lobdell's Superman run, he gains some kind of defense against mind control. Or maybe immunity to magic. He doesn't really need any more offensive powers, right? He's got cold breath and heat vision, so he doesn't need to blast lightning or sun-bolts. He's got flight and super strength and invulnerability. Maybe he'll develop at least a modicum of cynicism!

At the end of last issue, he was floating in space in the Fourth Dimension somewhere near where the Great World used to be. Ulysses was a little bit upset about the loss of his adopted home world and Superman was just all, "I know right? Tell me about it."

For the first few pages, Ulysses just beats the crap out of Superman and Superman takes it because he understands that Ulysses is going through some emotional shit right now. He's blaming Superman for sending the Earthlings back to Earth instead of pumping them into the Great World's Furnace to fuel the planet. But it wasn't Superman's fault. It was Ulysses' parents fault for not listening to him and remaining on Earth. Superman never could have talked Ulysses out of killing the millions of Earthlings because it was the only way to save Ulysses' adopted home. But when he suddenly had to choose between his parents and his new home, he chose his parents. So I think if somebody could just stop Ulysses and ask "Who are you really angry at?", he'll stop his rampage and put his chin in his hand and go, "Who the fuck are you?" Then he'll kill the idiot that asked that question and go right back to pummeling Superman.

Ulysses and Superman wind up back on Earth because Ulysses wants to destroy it out of spite. But then all Superman has to do is point out how Ulysses' parents are on Earth and he won't be able to do it! Issue over!

I didn't pay five dollars to read speeches! Start punching shit already!

Ulysses and Superman continue the fight out in the Pine Barrens or somewhere with no people (only squirrels and bears and other creatures that apparently don't fucking matter). At that point, Geoff and John and Laura fill up page after page after page with explosions. Maybe I was wrong about not wanting to read speeches! I guess I paid five dollars to look at a lot of orange ink.

Just to be clear, these are two separate double page spreads. I've pulled more visually interesting things out of the drain in my bathtub.

Superman and Ulysses collapse in a huge crater of mud and burnt foliage and dead, used-to-be-cute little animals. When Superman awakens, he finds himself in the Batcave staring directly into Batman's crotch.

It's a double page manspread!

John Romita Jr's version of the Batcave is awful. I think it goes against Bat-Continuity! When has the cave every looked like this? It looks like a mall with the dinosaur in the middle of the central courtyard where the fountain would usually be.

Batman, being the go-to guy when you need to know about Kryptonian physiology, has been running tests on Superman and he figured out that Superman has developed a new power: Solar Flaring!

What's with the great big circle surrounding Superman's crotch? Bat-perv.

So basically Superman can self-destruct? That's not really a surprise. It's just like Supergirl's FWASH power when she makes her vagina explode. Oh! Maybe that's why Batman circled Superman's crotch. It's where the new power emanates.

Ulysses wound up in a cell built to contain the Parasite. Superman feels like he should go talk to him because that probably won't set him off again. Plus, Superman needs a day or so to regain his powers. His new Self-Destruct Button (that's what Lois will eventually call his penis) really is a last line of defense, apparently. It saps him of all his power, destroys everything in the area, and leaves him as vulnerable as any human on the planet. He should probably go have sex with Wonder Woman now so he realizes what it really feels like! I bet having sex while invulnerable is like wearing a billion condoms.

Ulysses decides to pout in prison and never talk to Superman again. But his parents visits and he cries like a huge wuss.

Clark decides to go back to working for The Daily Planet because he can't stand sharing an office with Cat anymore. I knew those two idiots should have taken the money Glenn Morganmorgan Glennglenn offered them! They would have been free to do anything they wanted! Like start up a new blog doing exactly what they were doing on Clarkcatropolis but maybe with a better name this time. Instead, they acted like fools and now Clark's back to the Daily Grind. I mean Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen and Superman go out for hot dogs and then exchange secrets. Jimmy's secret is that he gave away all of his parents' money because it was a stupid idea to make Jimmy Olsen rich in the first place. Now who decided that was a good idea? Some writer that never thinks through any story further than the end of the month deadline on the issue he's currently writing. Some guy that doesn't understand characterization and writes characters as if they were him instead of trying to understand the character's own motivations and personality. Now if I could just remember that writer's name?! Oh well. After Jimmy tells Superman that he's broke, Superman opens up to Jimmy too.

"I'm Superman, Jim. And I want you to suck my balls."

Superman #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. What a let down! So Superman discovered his Exploding Vagina Power finally! Big deal! He'd have realized he had that power all along if he'd ever take the time to have a normal, non-condescending chat with his cousin Supergirl. And I have no idea if Jimmy Olsen ever knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person even though they were the biggest pals ever. But I'm pretty sure Clark never asked Jimmy to become his personal teapot. That was a weird twist!

World's End #18

Batman Eternal #44

When is the glass going to become sentient and come after Batman to avenge all of its children he's killed?

I want a Bat-Passport like that guy with the Guy Gardner haircut! Where does it allow you to travel?

It's time for Course #4 in Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Detectivanting* School!

*Detectivanting is when you do detective work while gallivanting across the globe. It's a pursuit mainly for the rich and idle, and they tend to cause more trouble than they cure by their interference. They also do a lot of drugs, drinking, and fucking. I need to put a pitch together for Image Comics.

The Fourth Course is a visual crime scene analysis! That's super exciting because they make lots and lots of television shows out of that boring ass career choice! Here's the crime scene:

"Look at this, Trixie! Why would the local paper publish pictures of a recent crime scene still under investigation?" said Honey as she sexily pulled her underwear over her head. "What do you expect from a police force that relies on teenagers to solve their crimes?" replied Trixie as she traced a finger down the ever increasing soft, fuzzy hairs on Honey's midsection. "Besides," said Trixie as she shoved her other hand down the front of her own trousers, "This burglar can't even burgle! Look at all his mistakes!" Honey gasped and shuddered at Trixie's touch. "He must be really new at his job!"

As a Detectivant in training, my first order of business is to make the victim feel guilty. So I point out how he's an idiot leaving the combination to his safe right on his desk in plain view. Also, he shouldn't leave his wallet and $100 bills in plain sight of uncovered windows. That's just asking for trouble! And who installs a wall safe on the outside wall of their house?! That's easy access on the backside hanging out of the wall! Criminals don't even have to break into the house to break into that safe! Idiots! As for the burglar, her mistakes are obvious! She brought her cat along and it clawed up the wall safe and knocked over that cup of coffee. It dragged away one of the burglar's gloves to play with and the burglar didn't notice. Having to chase the cat around the room, the burglar stepped through the coffee spill and left footprints everywhere! Being distracted by her cat (I guess she took the whole "cat burglar" thing literally), she missed the car keys (for an easy getaway) and both Tiffany lamps! She also left behind her scuba snorkel which is going to be chock full of DNA! And last of all, she left a big hunk of her own skin torn off on the glass as she clambered out of the house. She was probably found half-bled out blocks away with her cat munching on her wound.

The Answers misidentify the burglar as a "he," so I know not to take them seriously. I was correct in all of my observations.

This issue begins with all the Arkhamites involved with the destruction of Arkham selling out the guy behind it all: Professor Achilles Milo, aka the guy on the cover with the Guy Gardner haircut.

Batman and the Batkids begin the search for Achilles while Bat-Satellites scan the city with facial recognition software.

My guess is he's here on 433th.

Meanwhile Batwing is beating up ghosts in his apartment which has become infested with them ever since he came back from his trip with The Spectre into a supernatural nightmare. One of the ghosts is Amadeus Akrham's mother. I hope he lets her stick around instead of punching her in the face with his new Nth Metal Knuckles. Luckily I just recently watched the episode of The Brave and the Bold where Batman beats up Gentleman's Ghost with his Nth Metal, so I'm in the loop about how it is the only useful weapon against spirits.

Spoiler has decided she doesn't want to hang around the Bat-Family since they're funded by Bruce Wayne and she knows Bruce Wayne is behind this entire attack on Gotham City. She's probably not wrong but she's also not exactly right, either. So now she and Harper get into a big fight while Cullen tries to play Double Dragon in the other room, constantly yelling at them to keep it down. He probably thinks they're just having sex. I think a stun gun sounds exactly like a vibrator.

Batman catches Milo at the Gotham International Airport and they have a big fight scene together. It's composed of two punches. One punch to Milo's face, and Milo punching the floor. Wait. I said that wrong! Dammit.

Milo gasses everybody in the airport with some kind of "I'm Going To Get You Fuckers" gas that makes everybody go crazy with blood lust. So while Batman is busy taking care of them, Milo escapes out onto the runway. But Batman's Batplane is watching the exits and catches up to him.

If Batman is so against guns, why is the Batplane equipped with two Gatling guns? Do they shoot explosive Batarangs which are much safer than bullets somehow?

As Batman tries to beat some information out of Achilles, Milo's drugs merge and reform into a bunch of ghostly, talking hands. They seem to think Batman is finally ready for the truth. Probably because this series is fast approaching the end and we've all waited long enough to find out what's going on.

Batman Eternal #44 Rating: No change. Almost exactly nothing happened this issue. Batman hunted down a person that was only introduced in this issue. And that was the extent of things! If you feel like you've already spent too much on this series, go ahead and take a break from buying this issue this week! Unless it's too late. Sorry I reviewed it four days after it was released.

Futures End #40

Did somebody say limericks?!

Each week I read Futures End,
Wondering when it will end,
Why'd I rhyme 'end'?
With another 'end'?
This is the fifth line so "The End!"

Did somebody say "the end"? And poetic?! I think I already covered that!

One time I swore I was psychic,
And I tried to pick up a bi chick.
Not in the mood,
To fuck a dude,
She glanced at me and uttered, "Like, ick."

Superman left John in Smallville,
Where some tiny guys wanted a tall kill.
John summoned a boar,
Made of hellfire and more,
To eat so many it would fall ill.

Next Ray Palmer's Stormwatch arrives,
Right in front of the Justice League's eyes,
To warn of an attack,
By Mega-Brainiac,
Which is when The Engineer changes sides.

Do people still quote that line in Aliens where Pessimistic Marine shouts, "Game over, man! Game over!"? Because that could work here.

"JL's spybots worse than Darkseid?"
The snarky headline on Fark cried
Superman said,
"We'd rather be dead!"
But now we all know that Clark lied.

Terrific thought uSpheres would sell,
More phones than Alexander Graham Bell.
But Brainiac's brand,
Came crashing to land.
And Terrifitech's stock fucking fell.

Get your Brainiac Brand uSpheres! Get 'em while they're hot!

Batman and Tim and Plastique,
Stopped by Terrifitech for a peek.
Finding everyone dead,
Tim Drake, he said,
"Holy shit guys are we up a creek."

The Engineer, once more, has a virus,
That changes her fonts to Papyrus,
Which might be absurd,
But her senses it blurred,
Which is why she finds Hawkman desirous.

Every story she's in, Angie's hacked.
If I were her boss, she'd be sacked.
The problem, you see,
She installed McAfee.
Because common sense, Angie lacked.

One of these Others is not like the others!

If this comic were full of just men sex.
Fucked and sucked on gay golden decks.
It'd be easier to buy,
Then the League with this guy.
Who'd believe the League'd hire Vostok X (X?).

Lois Lane has yet another scoop:
"The World Is Going to Poop!"
But her website is down,
So everyone in town,
Will have to be out of the loop.

The spheres dropped all over Manhattan,
Formed a grid that everyone was trapped in.
Some machinery appeared,
Around Lois's ears,
And another Brainiac was begatten.

"Is that a bird?" said a German.
"No, it's a plane!" said Ms. Werhman.
Up in the sky,
They all heard the cry,
"This looks like a job for Superman!"

He's back! The man not behind the mask!

Futures End #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are really beginning to pick up now. Oh, finish this one yourself, you sick pup cow. I'm going to bed before I get dead from making up another rhyme off "pick up now."

Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?