Grayson #14

While peaking on LSD, Otto Netz came up with the idea of Spyral when he placed a pirated copy of Freud in his Apple IIe's floppy drive in the hopes it would clear out what he believed was a spider infestation within the casing and then sat back to watch the action through a kaleidoscope.

After that caption, the plan was to find a picture from the Freud program on the internet but sometimes the internet fails miserably (unless I failed miserably?) The Freud program was generally found stuck on a disk handed to you from the greasy kid in junior high who spent his entire lunch hour hogging up the lone Apple IIe computer in the library. His disks were full of cracked games like Conan and Karateka and a version of Zork which never actually worked. Freud was really just the therapist program "Eliza" with a lo-res image of a bald man whose eyebrows would move up and down as he thought about each of your responses to his questions which would eventually point out that your mother was the problem. Maybe that was just me because I would answer every question with "My mother is the fucking problem!" But I just spent forty minutes scouring the internet for a picture of Freud. I'm sure one exists out there but I couldn't figure out the exact chant to repeat into Lord Google's ear to get him to manifest my desire. I even downloaded a disk image for "Personal Therapist" to try out on my Apple IIe emulator so I could get the image myself. Alas, the disk image was based on Eliza but didn't include the bald guy waggling his eyebrows. When the program began, no image popped up but I thought maybe after entering my first response, it would enter the lo-res screen with the bald guy. So I dutifully typed "My mother is the fucking problem!" but no dice. Eliza just mumbled something about how I wasn't being clear. How could I be any clearer, you stupid machine!

This issue begins with Otto Netz giving a brief overview of why Spyral came into being. I could choose to scan the page so the explanation is made clear or I can fuck Eliza right in her stupid confused face and make things unclear by providing an even briefer overview! I realize that I'm not really punishing a fifty year old computer program but I feel that I have to act petulantly anyway because how much clearer could I have been! I don't think mankind ever has to worry about Artificial Intelligence taking over because it may be able to beat huge nerds at Jeopardy but it'll never know how to act childishly and misdirect its anger.

So my brief, brief overview of the beginning of Spyral is this: So there were these Nazis, you see? That's probably enough.

Grievous that you were reading Shelley!

I probably shouldn't have such a strong opinion against Shelley since I really can't judge him by anything but Prometheus Unbound (which I read in high school so I can't even place any credence on what I thought of it then, being that my experiences of life were negligible) and that his name is Percy Bysshe. But being human, I will allow myself to hate Shelley simply because I was bored by one of his plays when I was sixteen. If anybody would like to try to assuage my feelings toward his poetry by giving me some great example of his work, I'll pretend to give him another chance before sticking to my guns.

Midnighter sits nearby as Luka Netz wanders away unnoticed. Some computer brain he is! He really should try not to be so gay sometimes. Maybe if he'd just looked at this woman as she walked past, his computer brain would have figured she was listening to Grayson and Tiger being eaten by robot spiders in her lair.

With the help of God Garden enemy agent Ladytron, Tiger and Dick defeat all of the Luka Netz's robot spider guard dogs. But then when Tiger asks Ladytron to EMP Luka's computers to stop the next wave of robot spiders so he can go back to defeating Ladytron (because he thinks that's the mission, after all!), Dick knocks him out again in literally one punch. Although after he punches him, he also has to kick him to knock him unconscious so I may have jumped the gun on the use of "literally" there. Although in this climate where most people can't go half a sentence without shoving that word into it, it's not like anybody will notice.

An "oily," hunh? I can't say I've ever been robo-curious before but now I'm totally into it. Also that was a fairly blatant lie about the "can't saying" part of that last sentence.

Otto Netz reappears to tell more of his origin story. He was bored killing the heroes whom he had helped to create so he created a villain that would challenge Spyral because it would be him but he would call himself Doctor Dedalus. That's why Spyral is so nutty and so into webs and spirals and Ouroboroses. Also this might be the first villain that I've ever truly identified with! He created Spyral and Spyral's nemesis, Leviathan, simply to entertain himself! The only other villain I identified with was one that my friend created but I eventually gave him his motivation. It was Global Thermonuclear War Dude and his goal was simply to destroy everything. I supplied the reason for his goal: so he wouldn't miss out on anything after he died.

Otto is telling this story to his two daughters (or granddaughters (or clones)): Katarina and Elisabeth. Luka must be short for Katarina. And Doctor is short for Elisabeth.

Otto finishes up by telling the two girls that he will encode his being into a computer. He is the Spyder Oracle which Mister Minos and now Helena can access for information. And then one day, one of the girls will download Otto into their being while the other becomes Leviathan. And the spirals can continue like this practically forever.

It turns out Otto's story is the information Dick is gathering from Luka Netz's computer system. So now he knows Spyral's shameful secret: it's based on Percy Bysshe Shelley's poetry! Dick is aghast and asks Ladytron to maybe do that EMP thing like Tiger wanted earlier. For, you know, kicks?

Back in Spyral headquarters, Spyder commands Helena to activate Dick Grayson's nanobots' auto-cannibalization sequence. Luckily Tim Drake deactivated all of that shit for Dick. I think. I hope!

Or Ladytron's EMP shuts them down just in time. That's probably the thing that actually happened because do any of us really want to believe that Tim Drake is that smart and capable?

And then Tiger wakes up full of shame and embarrassment and thoughts of manly revenge.

But first a sexy Robin war!

Grayson #14 Rating: No change. In the future when people are obsessively snatching up anything Tom King writes, they'll look back at Grayson #14 as the point when people began saying, "Grant who?" Sure, lots of people, right now, love to say things like, "Who does Grant Morrison think he is? He expects me to pay $4.99 so he can jerk himself off directly in my mouth?! Well, I'm not going to allow him to get away with that anymore without first saying how much his jizz tastes like self-indulg...GAG CHOKE SPIT COUGH!" Maybe there's been a bit too much time since I read the entirety of Batman Incorporated and I'm taking the credit away from Grant Morrison because maybe this was all in that and I was just too dizzy to realize it but if it wasn't, Tom King just made Otto Netz make sense. It's also possible that I'm a stupid American who...no wait. That's a fact! Let me try that again. It's also possible that the fact that I'm a stupid American means that I needed the entirety of Batman Incorporated boiled down to these key points straight from Otto Netz's mouth. One thing I'm certain of though...no wait! I'm totally not even certain of that. But let's pretend I am, okay? One thing I'm probably certain of is that Otto Netz doing all of this because he was bored is Tom King's idea. If not, then I probably should have loved that idea when it was written by Grant Morrison as well! But then, I never wrote anything about the Pre-52 Batman Incorporated, so I have no Grandmaster Record of what I thought at the time! The world mourns the loss of my thoughts. Right, world? Mourn, you fuckers! MOURN!

Midnighter #5

That's a gay sex act, right?

According to my previous review, the last issue was about either vampires or glory holes. I wish somebody else were writing my reviews so I could just sit back and enjoy reading them. Lazy jerks.

This issue begins with some old guys teasing Midnighter's boyrfriend because they have a death wish, I guess. They do know who Midnighter is, right? And how he has a serious lack of clearly defined borders? His ethics are like a Risk gameboard if three dozen hobos just shit all over it. Was that analogy clear?

How old is Steve Orlando?! He does know you can't jog in a Discman, right? Those things fucking sucked. They were pretty much for long car trips or people in wheelchairs. Slow moving wheelchairs!

That page I just scanned has me thoroughly confused. People jog in Oakland? Why are those guys practicing ballet in the park? You're supposed to stretch after running too?! The world is far more complex than I ever believed!

After jogging and having brunch with his friends, Matt gives Midnighter a call to check in with him. Midnighter is busy beating up super powered thugs with Dick Grayson and Matt doesn't get jealous because it's not a video chat. Midnighter says, "It's going very Russian. I beat someone with a birch branch." That sentence alone makes this comic book better than 75% of all super hero comic books currently being published.

I was going to be irrationally angry while writing this commentary because I'm still coming down from the state of ragephoria induced by Twat Lobo. But these first two pages of Midnighter have mellowed out my emotions and now I'm quite pleased that I didn't quit reading comic books completely a few hours ago.

The man Midnighter is hunting, Russian-First-Name Long-Impossible-to-Spell-or-Pronounce-Russian-Last-Name, is busy building an army of monsters out of Martian DNA. But he still wants more monsters!

He wants a monster that is a strategic genius and a monster with an ass that doesn't quit or take time off for holidays.

Midnighter knows they're heading into a trap and prepares by stuffing a silver dagger into his trench coat. Grayson prepares by packing a half dozen vampire-safe condoms. Have you seen what most female vampires look like? Is it appropriate to say "Me-ow" here? I don't mean the cat noise! I mean what you'll probably say if you try to have sex with a vampire.

At the trap which is disguised as a Metro station, Midnighter handcuffs himself to Dick which is less gay than it sounds. I think. I guess it depends on what they do once they board the subway.

Dick and Midnighter battle a host of monsters from folklore minus Baba Yaga and her hut. Maybe she'll appear in the final round. Although the final round before meeting with Long-Impossible-to-Spell-or-Pronounce-Russian-Last-Name seems to be the reason for Midnighter handcuffing himself to Dick. It's to create a human atlatl to pierce the skull of a giant Wolfman. The first thing I think of every time I read the word "atlatl" is not the weapon but the salamander that is actually an "axolotl". It's proof that neural pathways are fucking garbage. And if you thought it was the Berenstein Bears, it's not proof of an alternate universe. It's proof that the brain is by no means an infallible piece of organic machinery as well as proof that most people would rather believe a stupid ass science fiction theory than believe that their brain is no better than poorly made vanilla pudding.

Although let's face it. How bad do you have to fuck up to make gross vanilla pudding? That shit is delicious.

Anyway, Dick and Midnighter finally face off against Akyakyevichyavechyasomething.

And do you think Midnighter hasn't already accounted for your defense? So naive!

Every time I go to name one of the image files, I keep almost naming it Grayson5x.jpg.

Midnighter's plan was to get telekinetically thrown through the roof on a trajectory that would smash Akya--Jesus Christ, let me finally grab his real name-- Noi Akakyevich's Door Jamming Satellite Dish. Unless it's a Dish from DISH Network and then he only had to cause a slight breeze as he went past it to knock it offline. Whatever the case, Midnighter can now use his Door technology to beat the crap out of Noi! Grayson thinks he keeps Midnighter from killing Noi but really Midnighter sets it up so his weapon shatters when Dick blocks it and a piece of shrapnel lodges in Noi's spine. He really is the Harvest of the good guys, isn't he? I suppose I can accept it because his ability to see every possibility in a fight has been repeated thousands of times over the years. How can I argue with constant repetition?!

Also, it turns out Noi wasn't the guy who stole the God Garden tech. Once again, he's just another middle man. The quest continues!

The issue ends with Midnighter cuddled up on the couch eating Thanksgiving dinner while Multiplex hovers outside the window with a gun trained on the back of Matt and Midnighter's heads. Whoops! Just to be clear, that "whoops" is for Multiplex for doing something so stupid!

Midnighter #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. The title of this issue was "Полуночник" which means Nightwing or something (unless it just means Midnighter again because that seems to be the only title this comic book ever gets). Dick Grayson didn't really get to shine in this issue since he was just kind of along for the handcuffed ride. Midnighter didn't need him but I think he enjoyed having him along if only to add new parameters to the battle. It may have also been kinky enough to fuel his sex with Matt when he returned to Oakland. The battling folklore monsters takes a backseat to the real highlight of this issue: the conversations between Midnighter and Dick. This comic book might be about the most insanely violent "good guy" in DC Comics but the gore and the violence isn't at all where this book shines. I want to ask why more comic books don't spend more time on well written conversation that rings true to the characters but I already know the answer to that: it's time consuming and difficult. Easier to just have your stupid twat character say stuff like "Next life, try having tougher skin!" Lick my asshole, Cullen Bunn. I mean if you wouldn't enjoy it! I'll probably enjoy it either way.

Bombshells #2

That dolphin slave has murder in her eyes.

Time once again for me to turn a comic book about empowered women into a Male Gaze Wankathon! I'm already inappropriately turned on by the way the bar on the chariot is coyly covering up Mera and Diana's lady packages. This comic book is such a tease!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman taking care of Steve Trevor in Amazon Prison. That sounds like a cable reality television show that I would watch for about five minutes each week before falling asleep. Wonder Woman seems to innately understand that Steve Trevor has something super exciting and mysterious in his pants and she's going to solve that mystery. She might even solve it two or three times. Her fellow Amazons, the ones not made out of clay who already know about penises, are worried that once Diana discovers the clumsy, inefficient love making styles of a man, she'll never again engage them in games of Tongue Twister or Clitoris Tag. That seems pretty far-fetched though, right? What would a man have to offer Wonder Woman that her sisters and Hephaestus's Gal Pals Mail Order Catalog can't already provide? The proof that ones sexuality isn't a choice is that women continue to want to have sex with men even after being disappointed by most of them.

I just broke all over my underwear.

Wonder Woman! Stop being so inappropriately sexy while tending to Steve Trevor's wounds! It's not professional to rub your boobs on his shoulder as you spout sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo! It's also possible (probable even!) that I'm sexualizing a scene that isn't supposed to be sexy at all. Although, for once, I don't think that's the case! That panel above is some sexy shit!

As a society, we've just settled on "impotence," right?

Steve Trevor tells Diana all about how dangerous the Nazis are so that maybe the Amazons will join the effort to stop the most dangerous man to ever exist! Aside from Jesus Christ, of course. Jesus Christ was like Obi Wan Kenobi. He was struck down and rose up more powerful than the Romans could ever imagine. It's a good thing Jesus Christ was apparently on the side of white people! I mean, he was apparently on the side of all people if you ask the missionaries who convince all of the non-white people to worship Jesus Christ no matter the cost to their history and culture. Um, anyway, Steve Trevor tells her all about the horrible things the Nazis are up to although he leaves out the Nazi War Wheel for some reason. I would have totally led with the War Wheel!

What is it about DC's stance against showing the swastika?! I mean the S-symbol!

How is DC Comics going to tell World War II stories against the Nazis while never once showing a full S-symbol?! What is this pussyfooting stance against acknowledging the existence of the Nazi's brand?! I guess erasing history is better than repeating it or something. I forget.

Hippolyta is too smart to fall for the "I don't want to do it to your daughter; I'm just here to ask for help against a power hungry madman" routine. She orders her women to execute Steve Trevor at dawn. That'll teach him to point his penis at her daughter's vagina. Diana isn't in an eighties movie, so she doesn't run from the rooming screaming, "You don't understand! You never understand!" Instead, she takes a walk on the beach so that she can encounter Mera.

Mera and Diana flirt a bit and decide to run away together. But first Diana convinces Mera to break Steve Trevor out of Amazon Jail because she finds his penis intriguing. Mera has never seen a land-man's penis, so she's eager to help. Diana also breaks into the throne room to steal her bracers, lasso, and tiara. But she doesn't have to steal them. They are given to her freely so that she may go out into the world and do whatever it is she's supposed to do. Kiss Mera on the mouth, I think. And that's the end of Wonder Woman's story for now.

The second story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They were going to become Night Witches and fly warplanes for the Russians. But Lady Night Witch didn't like that Kara displayed super powers and has decided she needs to learn what a gulag is. I think it's like an oubliette except less comfortable. Kara has no intention of learning anything new and refuses. But Lady Night Witch is really good at debating.

I would rebut this argument with frost breath.

Kara is hauled off to the gulag because she forgot about her thirty second rebuttal time. She's brought before General Anton Arkayn who I don't trust for some inexplicable reason. It must be my intuition that makes me realize he's a horrible person. He asks for a demonstration of her powers and she paints a mural of her and her sister in super person get-ups. Anton clasps his hands together and kicks up a foot backwards, cooing like a pigeon. "Da! Da!" he shouts because he probably has daddy issues like everybody else in DC Comics. And so Supergirl and Stargirl become Soviet superheroes.

The next story is full of S-symbols which makes me happy! I mean, because the portrayal of Nazi Germany is more fully realized with the S-symbols everywhere, even if a bunch of them are backwards. I think that happens because of the way flags are made or something. This story begins with a bunch of Germans singing and while I'm not very good at German, the Non-Certified Spouse is fluent in German, so that probably makes me qualified to translate it into English.

"Love, love! Can you not hear the people shitting?" "In a room lying under the sea with our king and his tears!" "Love, love! Our berets! We go in dungeons, blue eyes make our light!"

The Nazis are heading to the Kabarett where The Joker's Daughter greets them and takes their tickets for the main act. That act is a burlesque magic show by Zatanna. I hope it's more burlesque than magic.

Too much magic. Not enough vagina.

I guess I'm supposed to be rooting for the Nazis in this story since the Bombshells are Nazis and the Bombshells are the stars of this comic book. Stupid John Constantine is trying to ruin the Nazi's plans! Zatanna turns him into an adorable bunny and then refuses to give the bunny to the Nazis. That probably means she's working against the Nazis and I can feel less guilty about supporting her cause. I don't have to support The Joker's Daughter because her teeth are disgusting and rotting which means she's not a Bombshell at all. Also she threatens to expose Zatanna as Jewish which is totally wrong somehow. And that's the end of the last story!

DC Comics Bombshells #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another delightful romp into the past with sexy women all over the pages. More comic books should be like this one with empowered women saving the world while wearing super sexy outfits! It's like getting to keep your cake and fuck it too. Although the Russian uniforms in the Supergirl story could do with a bit of trimming around the midsection and the cleavage areas. How come more guys aren't supporting feminist comic books like this?! Are they not into getting boners? No wait! I think I'm getting the wrong message from this comic book. Um, it's all about women doing, um, things that prove feminism and stuff. It's totally liberating! It shows that women can be, um, in control of their own, um, things and, um...oh! Hey! Look! It's Constantine as a bunny rabbit!

Whew! That was close.

Midnighter #4

Meet Midnighter's sidekick: Dick!

This is the last magnetic poem I wrote years ago. It's probably still on the fridge because I haven't recorded it anywhere. But now I'll record it here so I can get rid of it and make some more magnetic poetry!

Untitled

listen listen
let that dog explode
coax the blisters
from her sacred yellow sanctuary
struggle with her secret admonition
the observation firmly murmuring

between spring and winter
there shined a light
she used to know it
but you caught it for yourself

Now I can take it down and begin again! I wonder where all the packs of magnet words are? Probably on top of the fridge behind the biggest wok in the world. Back when I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, and we had just purchased the Tabloid Magnetic Poetry set, I created my favorite magnetic poem which is this:

Untitled

Your fuzzy thoughts of post-Madonna yesterdays
Have little to do with your vanished passion.
Your borderline thinking and corduroy dreams
Have you as neurotic as a two-headed Michael Jackson.
Forget the therapist, child.
Who can know how far into Marilyn monster secrets
You are willing to hide.
Like Freud says...
No!
Like Oprah says,
"We need to unite our father Atheist with our mother Pope."
That Loch Ness hate you harbor in the Jungian litter box of your soul
Makes me rot like a hooker Queen with a neutered Kennedy.
An alien abduction of Bigfoot's butt is the anatomy of your runaway life.

I might have gone a bit overboard with the Tabloid words. But it was the new set! It had to be done!

This issue begins with three drunk Russians visiting a place called "The Inn of Guire Grando." It's a place where you pay money to get a private Karaoke room with a vampire chained to the wall. Then you get to stake the shit out of that vampire and high five each other because you've just saved the world! Remember how Midnighter found out that some Russian was selling stolen God's Garden technology? It might be that guy running The Inn!

This issue is called "Midnighter" without any punctuation which makes it totally different from the previous issues which were called "Midnighter" but ended with some kind of punctuation. I have no idea what this means.

Midnighter has kidnapped Dick Grayson to help him discover the man who runs the "Thrill-Kill Clubs" in Moscow. So obviously that means doing undercover research in a sauna.

With his powers, I wonder if Midnighter already knows exactly how he's going to fuck Dick Grayson?

Dick and Midnighter play some good cock/bad cock and manage to get the vampire killing douchebros to reveal the location of the Thrill-Kill Club. They have some delightful banter which causes readers to think, "That was a good scene!" Although some readers might be thinking, "That was way too much Dick Grayson nipple!" I wish I could read more comic books that make me think, "That was way too much Catwoman nipple!" It's not fair that women's nipples aren't allowed in Teen Plus comic books. Why are so many people against the creation of heterosexual boners? Lucky gay boners popping up all over the place because of Dick and Midnighter.

The guy running the Thrill-Kill Club is a vampire himself. He kidnaps homeless people, turns them into vampires, and then charges wannabe macho dumbasses for the experience of staking a helpless confused initiate vampire. Dick and Midnighter are here to shut this shit down. Partially because it's wrong and homeless people are being exploited and murdered (the murder part is so bad that I probably didn't need to add the "exploited" part). But Midnighter probably just wants to shut it down because it's connected to his stolen God's Garden technology.

That's a poor analogy, Midnighter! You know that sometimes the mongoose dies, right?

Midnighter kills the guy behind the club and Dick begins freeing all of the captive vampires. Midnighter wants to just stake them but Dick believes they should try to find a way to save them. But he can't. The tech that turned the captives into vampires was booby trapped so that they would die when it's tampered with. Dick tampered with it. They all died. That's all it takes for Dick Grayson to keep hanging around with Midnighter until they can stop Akakyevich the Black Market Fence of God's Garden Technology.

Midnighter #4 Rating: No change. This issue may or may not have been an allegory about the evils of glory holes. I like to think that it was because Midnighter and Grayson found the location to the Glory Hole Club in a bathhouse. The Glory Hole Club was a place men go to feel masculine by sticking phallic objects into waiting receptacles. Then something explodes and guys high five each other a lot. It's also less probable that it was a story about sex trafficking. But that's less fun and more depressing so I'm going to stick with the Glory Hole Theory. Besides the entire plot, Midnighter didn't do anything gay in this comic book so dude bro fanboys should feel safe purchasing this issue. Granted there were no females performing the Boob-Butt Showcase but what do you expect from the gayest comic being published by DC Comics after Batman Loves Superman and Red Hood Loves Arsenal? If you want a comic book that services your male gaze, you have plenty of others to choose from. Might I suggest that one with Alice in Wonderland with the huge breasts and the really short skirt published by Zenoscope? I should review those! Multiple times!

Grayson #7

I hope Grayson tells a Batman and Robin story this issue while getting out of the shower naked.

I have a new comic strip character that I don't want to draw so I'm going to put the first script here and wait for somebody else to draw it and then we'll become a team and make tons of money and score with lots of groupies. The comic strip is called "Optimist Man" and it's about a super hero named Optimist Man! Here's the first comic:

Panel 1: Four kids in jeep stuck on train tracks. Train coming. "HEY OPTIMIST MAN! HELP US!"
Panel 2: Optimist Man floating/flying by side of car saying, "You kids are gonna be just fine!" Kids excitedly cheering, "Yay!"
Panel 3: Optimist Man flying away.
Panel 4: Side of train filling panel.

I think Optimist Man should have a sidekick named The Inspiration Kid! And maybe they'll occasionally team up with The Prayer. Optimist Man's nemesis will be Cynigal! She totally can't stand him and his credulous idiocy.

I can already smell the money! SMELL ME THE MONEY!

Anyway, last issue, Dick Grayson was trapped aboard the Carrier by some woman named The Gardener. He had just beat up Midnighter because Midnighter can only predict tactics of things he understands and Dick Grayson is full of shit Midnighter can't comprehend, things like happiness and joy and upbeat positivity! He's so disgusting he makes me want to puke rainbows.

Helena is currently trying to retrieve Paragon's brain before the Fist of Cain use it to destroy Tel Aviv. She'd like Dick at her side but he's gone off the grid. But Spyral is able to see through Dick's Hypnos and figure out where he is. They find out that he's with Midnighter and that Midnighter is currently utilizing Dick's Hypnos. Using Dick's Hypnos as a delivery system, Helena is going to allow Midnighter to see what she found out while interrogating the Fist of Cain who told her about the brain. What all of that means is that it looks like Midnighter will be Helena's partner for this mission while Dick remains trapped on The Carrier.

The Gardener is one of those ends justify the means people.

For some reason, The Gardener actually thinks that death and violence will stop humans from making better weapons to commit violence and cause death. I think her super power is naivety.

Dick's story about Bat-nets convinces The Gardener to open a door to Tel Aviv for him and Midnighter to step through. Which is a good thing because some asshole stepped on Helena's crossbow and broke it. What the fuck is she building her crossbow's out of? That more-paper-than-wood material they use in those dollar store planes? You know the ones that you put together in twenty seconds, stick a weight on the nose, and fly it into a wall where the wings crack and the whole thing crumbles? Those things are cool.

Now clear Midnighter's head!

And Midnighter really needs his head cleared! Because he's not supposed to kill anybody but what do you suspect he's up to?!

The soundtrack to most of the Friday the 13th films was by Harry Manfredini. I may have spelled that completely wrong since I'm only going by memory.

Dick knocks the knife out of the air and then beats up the band while complaining about how their music is completely ruined now because they're Fists of Cainanites. He even mentions roller skating to their songs with a cute redhead which is totally my thing! Not the cute redhead part but the mentioning roller skating as a metaphor for that awkward stage of youth where you first begin to explore your budding sexuality. I don't mean hand jobs and second bases! I just mean crushes and boners!

The leader of the Fist of Cain attacks Helena but gets shot in the face by Director Minos who decided to go on this mission because, according to Cirque du Soleil: Spyral, he's been taking this whole Paragon/Fists of Cain mission too personally. Instead of arguing with that, he's apparently decided to embrace it. Meanwhile to save the day, Dick Grayson squicks Paragon's Brain and everybody stops hating everybody and begins loving everybody. Dick wins with hugs!

In the Epilogue, Midnighter moves out of the Godgarden. I don't really know much about the Godgarden or how it fits into Stormwatch. Is it part of the Carrier? Something else? I've been assuming it was in the Carrier. But I don't know who this Gardener is anyway! Midnighter doesn't appreciate the games she's playing, whoever she is, and walks out on her. Maybe that means he's quitting Stormwatch altogether since he has to get ready for his own title in a few months.

Grayson #7 Rating: No change. Still probably the best written, cohesive, character driven DC Comic. I hope Midnighter and Dick Grayson become best friends. I think they'd get along great if they could just have a calm talk over coffee and waffles. They'd realize that they're not so different! Although the breakfast might end with Dick's hair on fire and Apollo screaming jealously at Midnighter. "Breakfast?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What the hell were you two doing that you'd wind up eating breakfast together?! Let me smell your breath!"

Grayson Annual #1

Even with a comic I love by writers that have been doing a fantastic job, I do not look forward to reading an annual.

I've been burned by shitty annuals far too often in my comic book reading life to ever truly feel optimistic just before diving into a new one. It's possible it all started with Bloodlines. I was young and eager, innocent and naive when DC Comics decided they wouldn't just produce a summer annual event to rival all summer annual events! No! What they would do is get a bunch of writers and artists to brainstorm new creations and throw as many of them into comic books as possible to see how many would stick. Probably every other word I read that summer was a trademark symbol. DC didn't care about the quality of the plots or even the feasibility of the characters. They just wanted more and more potential money making characters to own! Some of them were bound to be the next Wolverine or, with a lot of luck, Batman! I'm fairly certain Hitman was the only one that ever really took off. If there were others, I've long forgotten about them all.

I would be kind of excited to dig out my old Bloodlines Annuals to reread them but I can't even make it through my stack of Blue Devils that I started months ago!

This story begins, as most stories do, with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car. The cast of characters, as is usually the case in stories that begin with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car (as most stories do), are Irish. And I can't help reading the comic book out loud with me 'orrible Irish accent.

Now see, the woman in that trunk, she goes by the name Helena Bertinelli, who, it's quite possible, ye may 'ave heard tell. She's, according to the bald man that apprehended her, the most wanted woman in the world. And because of that, he's looking to pass her on to somebody with money that has always wanted a Helena Bertinelli.

Rumor had it he died? He must be Dick Grayson! He's being too cheeky for his own good!

Dick's cover is that he suffered a head injury when a bomb he was building for Professor Pyg in Gotham blew up in his face. And because of the head injury, it seems Spyral's facial unrecognition hardware doesn't work on him. That's a pretty good "story" there, Dick!

No wait! Maybe Helena is Dick in disguise and the bald Irish guy is Helena in disguise! No, no! That's too convoluted! Of course, this is a Spyral job and Mister Minos loves convoluted.

DickHead (that's the bald guy! Isn't that the usual nickname for a bald guy? Especially one pretending not to be Dick Grayson?) mentions, in his story, that Helena (disguised as Cheshire) had a body guard (supposedly disguised as Headhunter) that was supposedly Dick Grayson. That's good! Add yourself to the story so it's tougher to guess that you're you, Dick!

See? People are super suspicious! Which is why you need to convince them with a good story!

The weakest part of Dickhead's story is how he wants to meet St. Francis face to face to shake his hand on the sale of Helena to him. Of course that's going to raise a lot of suspicions in St. Francis and his goons. So Dickhead tells them he strapped a bomb to Helena that's connected to a detonator on his wrist. If he hits one button or his heart stops, Helena blows up. And the only way he'll disarm the bomb is if he gets the money from St. Francis and shakes his hand on the deal. And then I bet he'll slip the watch on St. Francis's wrist and he'll go boom! Or maybe something less dramatic.

After Dickhead tells his story, he and St. Francis's two cohorts leave the pub. Now it's time for them to tell him a story! This one doesn't begin with a woman bound and gagged in the trunk of a car because it's a more modern take on an old standard. This one begins with "I think you're lying" and ends with "If ye are, ye'll be dead."

See?! Fucking Dick just can't stop acting cheeky!

Jesus Christ, Dick! Stop being so lovable! You're going to get yourself killed!

I bet Matches Malone gets a lot of calls like this and he probably never recognizes any name he's given. But he just goes, "Uh, um, oh yeah! Yeah! I know that guy! He really likes redheads, right? Doesn't stop smiling? Won't shut the fuck up? Great ass?" And boom! Dick's alias is confirmed and Batman just goes back to eating his cereal.

The next day, they all drive down to the cliffs of...I don't know, Saint Patrick?...to make the exchange with St. Francis. Before St. Francis arrives, Paddy tells him that St. Francis recently got hold of some black market skin. And that explains what Helena and Dick are doing going after St. Francis! He's got Paragon's skin!

St. Francis arrives and he agrees to shake hands with Dickhead. He promptly gets a left hook across his jaw and falls unconscious. As Dick removes his Dickhead mask, Helena gets up behind Paddy and Clare and that's that. Mission is a success!

And apparently the reason they couldn't use their hypnos is because they would have been detected by St. Francis using Paragon's stolen skin. Which, it turns out, is the skin of a Green Lantern?! Eww! I don't know why that's grosser than gross! It's like a live baby eating its way out of the back of a truck filled with dead babies!

Grayson Annual #1 Rating: There's a little more to the story, but isn't there always? How about I just leave it at that.

Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Futures End: Grayson #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Everduster all good und fuckity fucked on dat sweetsy Rat Wine tanight? Da Old Goggs can hears dems street celebrations allaways ups in hers cozy broadcastin' closet, eh? Oh na na! Nones ya all be finking bout tryin ta figger out where Old Goggs be, ya devils. Everduster jess needa know she all up in dem clouds mit her mighty tenna, spreadin' The Goddess's massage of cool, comfortin' toughts of a Promise of da happy endins.

Dis here old Goggs gotsta wonders, true, what all ya monsters down dere in da spaces between fink ya gots ta celebrate dough, feels? I supposin the Formertimes and the world what was didna zactly treat alla ya all likem ya fought it shoulda, ja? Times was, ya jess bustin' tables, surfin' costumers, dealin' drogs, racin' toddlers, und fightin' for da koku and da dignity and da freedim ta be who ya gotsta be. Perhappens it be easier fightin' mit sticks y bricks and bones y stones den mit words and customs and uniforms and koku acause nowadust, ya ain't gotsta grovel if'n ya gots da big enough cajones, ja? Right libertatin, is what it is, sees? Only jess gotsta suck onna dat Rat Wine couragem and go gets what ya wants more den dat nex putz wants it, sees? Formertimes, dey keepin' ya real fortitudes down deep, afeared ta be ya real selfs acause ya neighbor gonna tell tales, und yer wife gonna get bitter, and yer boss gonna humiliatem ya all up in front of yer peers. Fo reals, mayhappen now ya gots some scars all up on yer preshy face, feels? Eh, but at leassem dem scars show yer sterny stuffs, ja? Ever unna dem scars tells peeps what be what. Lasts, no more cowerin' and hidin' and bein' all shamefaced bout yer truest face. So mayhappen Old Goggs do gets why ya tearin' up the spaces between down dere at da base a her tower celebratin' da end of dem Goddess-forsaken Formertimes and da beginnings of dese long, dark Dusty Stretches. Happy Cinco Round Trips, ya Mopes!

Even afore I gets ta dis weeks littyrature selection, Old Goggs wantta ya all ta know ifn ya gots some questyuns for Old Goggs, she be sendin' her recortin' drone down ta fift and fift amorrow. Recortin' drone be down dere mossa day, hoverin' bout ten footmeters ups, sos shout yer questions loud as can roar, ja? Donna nonaya git ta bein' dumb dumbs, feels? Any all ya monster takem shots at my merde, jess know Old Goggs recortin' drone also bes a vestybull of dirty rads. Anydust, plays nice and askem dem questyuns. Looksee here as wells und please tryem und askem one per time, sees it?

Loopy bandysnatch corpses it on da end of a slack hangerman's noose? Assholes!

Dis here issue be callin ittelf "Only A Place For Dying." Everduster finks mos' places be dat nows, sees it? Mossa us dunnit calls em da Dusty Stretches cause dey fullup of bobins and fields mice, eh? Forhaps deadly robo-bobins and exploderatin' fields mice, if ya happens ta axdentally find yoselfs in Upper Kinder Camp. It dat no-no-land be da biggie place for dying, fo sure.

Needy on da survivors 'vice from Old Goggs, wot? Knowem dis: Don't axdentally find yoselfs in Upper Kinder Camp.

Ya knows where Old Goggs gots dis littyrature for dis broadcast todays, eh? A preshy gift fromma Prof back when wes earlytimes met, beaten back da masses what lost dere minds inna first wave a riots.

Celebratin' Day ain't no times fer visitin' da cursed dreamsland, what mit all dat drunkend cacaphonies. Only good parts bout it, guess. Reals, though, nobody never wants ta git dem good old peace dreams no mores, sees it? Plentytimes, Old Goggs ain't too hard ta 'mit, she wakey up mit a smile on her face what completely ruinem her entire day affer. Seein' what was dat were all suns and gardens. Escapin' da Dusty Stretches ain't a joy when it be jess da mos' fleetin' a moments, feels me? Damn cursed dreamsland. Jess fuckin keep Old Goggs kitten friends in da forgottens Formertimes where deys blongs, ja? Ain't no place for dem sweetums here 'cept in somedem assholes belly bags.

Old Goggs cain't be talkin' bout dis here littyrature toos much today, sees it? Leaves her finkin' on Prof and Earlytimes and takin' ol' Saints Lois by da froat and by the cunny and makin' her ours. Damn site, dat old fuckin' city affer wes done tooks it over. Gotsta says it, no humbles, we gots dat place good und preggers mit our philosodogmas, sees it? Onny peeps makin' dere ways in old Saints Lois affer da finishup a dat firs year were doin' what Old Goggs and The Prof says dey were doin. Gettin a look at dat girl back den, pa wud haffta 'mitted he were mighty big times wrong bout callin' Goggles "sweety" fo alla dem years. Goddess rest his hearts. Soakin' 'em in piss und bloods, highest hopes!

Dumb bullshits. Only Prof wud fink dis shit were entertations.

Nowadust, Goggles blew on, sees it? Eastward. Course ya curiousers wanna know 'zactly where Old Goggs now nests, ja? Up, up, and ups amidst da sky touchers of Old York where, offentimes, her recortin' drone come buzzin' round to hear dem lower voices. Talkin, alls she does now. Talk, talk, talkin. I spose, jess sometimes, when her dear ol' pockets start chirpin' fer worms, Old Goggs gets back ta the oldtimiest profession, feels it? Not that, ya harpers! Beatin' da eversmokin' shits outta some poor diehard fought he gonna catch a livin' offa some grubergang runnin' Old York.

Anydust, mayhappen Goggs should say somefin bouts The Profs pick of littyratures, just acause. It seems sillilicious mit dat robin costumes and dem Batputers but dis here books gots some kinda hearts in it, reals. Tellin' us a tale dat sayin' somefin akin ta dis here:

Da end ain't never gotta be da end, feels? Anyduster come ta a place of dying, dey comin' ta dat place unprepared, sees? Havin' jess da one dusty path ta da grave is da fault of da soon ta be corpse not preppin' dem hidden shortcuts afore hands. Open youse eyes. Opens youse minds allup. Keeps yer heads and yer loyals and yer ammunitions vested. Be better, bigger, beaster den da ovver guy. Escapem if ya gotsta, course, cause beatin' hearts be better den puffin' up chests. It never 'gain gonna be dem Formertimes when ya could be softs, and be unprepareds, and sits mit yer coffee und yer papers und yer cynically cool tude. Never again. Do whats ya gotsta do. All ways, every ways. Whatevems is needed to keep dem feets one in fronta da ovver. And never be sorry for it. Tellin' ya straights up. Everduster livin' dis way now and not a ting is yours, not even youse life. Remember how softs we alls are on da insides. Softs, ya feels?

Need me some Rat Wine, I finks. Old Goggs gonna go get fuckity fucked now. We sees ya next time, rights?