Wonder Woman #22

Stalker.

• This issue begins with Wonder Woman prostituting herself out for over a quarter of a million dollars. Don't worry! It's for a good cause that is explained on the first page in the exact opposite of that totally not too preachy way I expect from my comic books. Also, even if it wasn't for a good cause, you shouldn't worry. If Diana wants to sell her body for scads of money, that's her choice. Nobody has the right to judge her! I mean, technically, we all have that right. It's a free country and all.

• Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor get into a bidding war that's less about wanting to date Wonder Woman and more about whose dick has more money in it.

• Don't worry (again! Man, you worry too much), neither of them win a chance to defile the Amazonian Princess! Veronica Cale wins the date for fifteen million dollars. Diana pees a little bit because she's pretty sure for fifteen million dollars, she going to at least have to do some digital manipulation of Veronica's anal sphincter. Bruce Wayne looks pretty upset. I bet the plan was just to have Batman win it so Diana wouldn't have to spend any actual time with some grody loser nobody.

• Veronica and Diana ditch the banquet early because they're both so excited about going out on a fifteen million dollar date. What must that be like? I bet I'd have an orgasm just knowing somebody wanted to pay fifteen million dollars to spend some time with me. I'm practically having one right now thinking about having one due to that scenario!

• By the way, who pays on a date like this? I mean, Veronica already paid fifteen million. Is she expected to pick up the check as well?

• Veronica Kale reminds me of Darcy Parker. She even has her own Parker Girls.

• The date winds up in a gunfight in the desert where Wonder Woman protects Veronica from the men Veronica sent to attack her so that she could record some kind of resonance frequency given off by Wonder Woman's lasso.

• The issue ends with Veronica realizing Themyscira lies in another dimension and with Wonder Woman letting Veronica know she'll be keeping a close eye on her and with me confused by reading two stories about the same people searching for the same thing happening years apart. At first I thought using the biweekly schedule to tell two different stories was a nice trick to use two different teams of artists. But that was before I knew the stories would be so intertwined that I'd have a difficult time remembering what parts happened in the past and which parts were happening in the present. I could reread them all but I remember being bored through most of it so that's not really an option. Anyway, both stories end in their next issues. Maybe after that, Rucka will try to be less confusing. Or maybe Frank Cho will take over writing duties. Man, could you imagine that disaster? I so want to read that comic book.

Blue Beetle #8

The real Blue Beetle is back! Fuck Dan Garrett. Nobody even remembers how to spell his last name.

The Review!
How must Ted Kord feel seeing Booster Gold move on to be some kind of super important gear in the DC Continuity machine while he must remain a joke who was dismissed by nearly everybody after dying as a real hero? He was the more competent half of the Blue and Gold franchise and yet he was killed by the bullies in charge, probably because he was fat. Those jerks in charge tried to make the fit, blond ex-quarterback the real hero because they're all still nursing their high school boners aching to be stroked by the popular kids. I bet they had a meeting where they all agreed that nobody could possibly like the fat one based on a boring Charlton character and that he was just holding back the super cool one that the robot, Dan Jurgens, had created. So while Booster Gold was able to go on and fuck up DC Continuity just as well as any of The Flash's fuck ups, Blue Beetle was shot in the face by his asshole boss. Way to not know your audience, DC Comics!

Of course, now the new generation of comic book lovers don't give a shit about Ted Kord because he's a threat to their beloved Jaime Reyes. Fuck Jaime Reyes! He's just a dumb kid with a space tapeworm. I don't like having to say that because I like Jaime Reyes and his friend Brenda (especially when she was less spotty than she currently is. Va-va-va-voom!). But if Jaime fans are going to shit all over Ted Kord then fuck them and Jaime too! Fuck them right in the place people don't like to be fucked! I can't imagine where that is, personally, but I'm sure some people have a place like that.

Wait. The scarab was in his junk?

Don't worry, Jaime Reyes fans! No way is the scarab going to stay out of Jaime's dick. I'm sure Ted Kord donning the Blue Beetle costume again will only last a few issues. Ted will probably be arrested after he starts dating Brenda.

Jaime is a bit upset that he's no longer best friends with an alien bug that is also a robot and a parasite. He still wants to help save the world from Arion, Lord of Atlantis, but his mother won't let him now. I bet he has a curfew now too. On the plus side, he was probably avoiding having sex with Brenda because the scarab might have hurt her vagina. Now they're free to do all the weird, gross things young people get up to because they think they need to impress their sexual partner with how imaginative they are in the doing it department.

Anyway, on their way home, Jaime sees a guy he knows running around the streets like a sweaty canned ham: Kevin Kho. Hey! That's the guy who turns into OMAC! Is he going to team up with Ted Kord to become the next big comedy super duo, Blue and OMAC?

The group is attacked by roided out Ambush Bugs. Kevin makes a break for it because he doesn't want to turn into OMAC. See, OMAC has a problem distinguishing what to smash and what not to smash. It's almost as if Kirby was all, "Here is my comic book for the month, DC Comics!" And DC Comics was all, "Um, Jack. This is an Incredible Hulk book. We don't own the Hulk." And Jack was all, "Dammit. I can never keep straight what company I'm currently working for. My brain is disconnected from linear time, you know! Okay. Let me make a few changes and now it's OMAC, Obviously Marvel's Ariginal Character!" And DC Comics was all, "That's not how you spell original." And Jack was all, "Mother, I'm done with my porridge! Can I watch the radio now?"

To save the day, Jaime's mother turns into a lizard person. No wait. Kevin turns into OMAC! Jaime's mom does turn into a lizard person for some reason but I don't think it's to save the day. It might have just been to give me a boner.

Jaime needs to find a way to help stop everybody in the world transforming into muscular Ambush Bugs and/or OMACs. So he heads back to get Ted Kord's old Blue Beetle costume. So that's Jaime on the cover, is it? Well, if that's the case, I'm off to hire a lawyer. Putting Jaime in Ted's Blue Beetle costume was my idea stemming back to New 52 Blue Beetle #1 where I Shooped Ted Kord's head on Jaime's body in every review! I'm fairly certain I've got a case here.

Jaime doesn't plan on doing the Ted Kord Beetle thing for long. He's only donning the costume to get the scarab back from Arion, Lord of Atlantis. That should save the world along with the added benefit of proving Doctor Fate is a stupid asshole who doesn't know anything and should just stick to smaller Lords of Order jobs, like straightening up cluttered desks and raking leaves.

The Ranking!
No change. You can really tell J.M. DeMatteis joined the crew to script because there's practically no confusing wacky banter at all. Also, just for the people who are always rolling their eyes at disasters like this needing to be solved by the least heroic hero possible, it's mentioned a few times that the Justice League is off-world. It's weird how they're always off-world in other comics but they're never off-world in their own comic book. I mean, sure, I suppose they've currently been sort of "off-world" in that they've been traveling through time. But it's not like time travel takes any real time! Unless you believe the Bill and Ted theory that the clock in San Dimas is always running.

Blue Beetle #7

Here's a lie to explain those, Jamie: "I was so drunk when I checked in, I forgot to change the sheets at that hostel in Berlin!"

The Review!
If you want to read an intelligent comic book that is easy to understand, maybe pick up something else. Might I suggest The Flintstones? This book fails on two of the two counts in my initial premise. It is neither easy to understand nor intelligent. Those aren't really judgments against the comic even if they completely sound like they are. Some people (like me!) don't necessarily think "intelligent" and "clearly communicated" are positive attributes! Clarity is for suckers. And anybody can seem intelligent which really drives down the stock price on actual intelligence.

Long time comic book readers will know exactly what they're in for when they see Keith Giffen's name on the cover of a comic book. A light, airy adventure with lots of bantering (which some might call humorous and others might call confusingly annoying). Eventually the lightness takes a dark turn and a lot of people die. Because Ted Kord has still been making jokes, I was almost fooled into believing this comic had yet to take a dark turn. But then I remembered that cowboy guy in the Posse had his head chopped off by Mordecai an issue or two ago, and I don't think it was meant to be hilarious. In this issue, Doctor Fate dies! But don't worry. He only dies for a few seconds which Kent Nelson doesn't take full advantage of because he doesn't realize Nabu has the ability to resurrect himself. It's probably good he didn't know or else we would have been subjected to several panels of Kent furiously masturbating in the Tower of Fate.

By the end of the issue, Arion, Lord of Atlantis, has risen again. I'm not sure what his plans are now that he's back since his plans before being imprisoned by Fate were to save Atlantis. Maybe now he just wants to see the whole world drown.

Also, the Blue Beetle Scarab has been removed from Jaime. So now he's just another boring, normal kid. Hopefully that will improve his chances with Brenda.

The Ranking!
No change! Next issue, J.M. DeMatteis will be coming on board to clear up the confusing banter.

Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.

Wonder Woman #16

Imagine the chimera. At one point in the ancient world, a goat was bad-ass enough to stick on a lion to make it tougher.

• I bet the legend of the Chimera began when a drunk guy was walking home and he saw a lion off to the side and in the distance behind the lion was a goat so that it looked like the goat's head was sticking out of the back of the lion. Then he told people about the creature and they were all, "Bullshit! Didn't happen. Pics." But instead of admitting he was drunk and maybe he didn't exactly see things clearly, he doubled down on his story and was all, "And there was a snake coming out of its butt! And it breathed fire!" Then everybody was all, "Oh shit. Now that sounds plausible!"

• The Chimera on the cover is totally based on the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual Chimera. But the Chimera Wonder Woman wrestles on the first page is the more historically accurate Chimera. What I'm suggesting is that Jenny Frison plays Dungeons and Dragons.

• Veronica and Adrianna of Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions discuss Wonder Woman and how great or not-so-great she is. Adrianna is all goofy in the pants for her but Veronica remains distant and aloof to the possibility that maybe Wonder Woman is the greatest thing to ever happen to immigration. They're busy working on a thing that will cause Wonder Woman no end of problems in the odd numbered issues. But right now in these even numbered issues, Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions still don't know how much they despise Wonder Woman or how much the hand soap is hurting the rest of their business.

• Meanwhile in Geneva, Switzercountry, Veronica's daughter, Isadore, meets a couple of men who seem to be the same man. They begin using all the regular chat-up lines on Isadore like "This painting is called 'Kill Your Father' and 'We're twins' and 'Have you ever seen a man's stick this big and fancy?' and also, the best, 'Gaze into my magic gem of secrets!'"

• After her encounter, Isadore loses her face.

This is probably some kind of metaphor for sexism, right?

• The twins who stole Isadore's identity are Phobos and Deimos. Those are the gods of Vietnamese Soup and Gay Gods, respectively. That doesn't explain why they would need the face of a little girl. Maybe I got the translations of their names wrong.

• Phobos and Deimos are, of course, the moons of Mars. Apparently they've taken human form and this is going to wind up being a Martian Manhunter crossover. Maybe they needed the little girl's face so they could build more face art on the surface of Mars.

• The Phobros believe that Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions can meet their needs. They would like to know the location of Themyscira but they can't seem to find it in Diana's head. So they need Veronica's not-quite-ready-to-go technology. It will probably be ready in about five or six years. Once they get the information, Isadore will be freed from some tartar sauce.

• Adrianna volunteers to hook herself up to the CyberWalker machinery. That probably explains why she's a hologram in the odd numbered issues. Unless they were, at one point, the even numbered issues. It's hard to say since there was that stupid Barbara Minerva Cheetah Origin story smack dab in the middle of everything.

• Being that the technology is in that not-quite-ready-to-go status that I so scientifically detailed earlier, it fails to provide the Phobros with the information they need. But it does manage to kill Adrianna! I mean, trap her mind inside a computer. That's the way things work when you attach brains to machines and then turn switches and run currents and all the other technological stuff that I can't be bothered to explain to dullards. Not that you, the person currently reading this right now, are a dullard! It's all those other people reading this.

The Ranking!
No change! When I was a teenager and way too naive for the age I was, I wished the local zoo had been full of creatures from Dungeons and Dragons. That's not a great chat-up line in junior high. I can only tell you the not great chat-up lines from junior high since I never figured out the successful ones. That's no great surprise though since one time, Marilyn Mendoza, the girl I had a crush on for nearly my entire junior high school life, was writing notes back and forth to me in the library. Her final note to me said, "I love you anyway," and I instantly went into a fugue state. I would explain how Marilyn reacted but, as I pointed out, I went into a fugue state! Totally botched that one!

Midnighter and Apollo #5

It doesn't look like the fight against Neron went too well for Midnighter.

• At the end of the last issue, Midnighter and Neron were about to fight over ownership of Apollo's soul. You'd think Apollo would have some say in that arrangement but forget him. He's in a bottle right now and people in bottles have no rights. Some people buying this issue might be thinking, "That cover is a fucking spoiler!" But to those people, I'd say, "Aha!" I'd begin with "Aha!" because that's how I begin all conversations with people. Coincidentally, I've been in conversations with at least six people who have immediately died of heart attacks. So, anyway, I'd say, "Aha! But comic book covers have never exactly been paragons of truth, have they? You can never trust the cover! This one shows Apollo getting ready to wrestle or get fucked, depending on if Neron's penis is out or not. And how many times have you seen a skeleton that just happens to be wearing the clothes of a friend you saw earlier that day? It's a common enough occurrence. And those dinosaur bones in the background are...well, I don't know why they are there. I guess all of the dinosaurs went to Hell because they didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

• The issue begins reminding the readers that Gregario (Extraño) placed a powerful being inside of Midnighter before Midnighter went to Hell. The comic book didn't go into details about how this was done but you know how. With a thing that's bigger than a breadbox: a black candle. Also black magic. But Gregario doesn't state explicitly who this powerful being is that's now waiting inside of Midnighter to give Midnighter seven minutes of heaven in Hell. I hope it's Etrigan. Although it's probably not Etrigan. But I would love it if it were Etrigan.

• Back in Castle Epistolarious, Neron decides to point out all of Midnighter's disadvantages before the fight begins. Just so readers know exactly how Neron might stand a chance. Midnighter has no access to his fight computer in Hell. He has no enhancements. He has no healing. He's already terribly wounded from his fight with The Mawzir. But he's still willing to fight for Apollo's soul because he loooOOOooooOOoooves him.

• Meanwhile, Apollo is inside a soundproof bottle screaming, "I already beat Neron with a trick question, dum-dum! Don't fight him! Besides, you don't have a right to fight for my soul, you arrogant, big-dicked bastard!"

Midnighter is what happens when somebody asks the question, "Does Batman pop a boner when he punches criminals in the face?"

• Midnighter releases the being inside of him and it turns out to be...I don't know who. It looks like Pacific Islander OMAC.

• Apparently it's some kind of angel and it's power and energy and life-force is just propping up Midnighter so he can do the actual fighting. According to Gregario, it hurts like a motherfucker. I probably could have been more descriptive about the way it hurts but from my experience, nothing hurts more than a motherfucker. I mean, you hear it all the time so it must be true. Do motherfuckers really hurt more than kidney stones?

• Technically, I'm not a motherfucker. Never fucked a mother in my life.

Is this because they kill people or because they engage in sodomy? Because I have an issue with one of those.

• I'm not going to say which I have an issue with, killing or sodomy. I don't want to lose conservative readers by saying I'm against killing.

• I also don't want to loose semi-illiterate readers so that's why I just used "loose" instead of "lose."

• Midnighter beats the crap out of Neron but then collapses when his seven minutes of heaven are up. Luckily Neron remains unconscious while Midnighter recovers from the being leaving him.

• Apollo breaks out of his bottle to cradle Midnighter in his arms. It doesn't last long before Apollo disappears. Neron explains that he destroyed Apollo's soul before Midnighter got there and it was all a lie because everything is lies in Hell. Especially the thing about Apollo having lost his challenge to Neron and is now non-existent. That's the biggest lie of all! Obviously Apollo won the challenge and now Neron is bitter and angry and he's going to take it out on Midnighter.

• What actually happened is Neron set Apollo free after Midnighter won because Apollo won the challenge as to why he was called Apollo. So now Apollo has to rescue Midnighter! Damn forlorn lovers. Always being all forlorn and shit.

• Don't worry! Next issue is the final issue. Everything will almost assuredly and most probably with a definite persistence of likelihood work out fine!

The Ranking!
+1! Hopefully the final issue is ten pages of Neron being pound into a fine paste and ten pages of Apollo being pounded into a fine orgasm.

Wonder Woman #13

Apparently Wonder Woman cries out of her eyes and ears.

When a person gets annoyed at somebody saying "All it takes to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," it's almost certainly not why you think it is. The problem with the statement isn't strictly the part about the guns. The problem is that time after time we've seen that the "good guy" can't actually recognize a bad guy (or if there is even a gun (or, knowing that all the good guy has to say is they thought there was a gun, not caring that there isn't a gun at all)). It's easy to point to a mass shooting and say, "That guy could have been stopped if a good guy had a gun." In fact, gun lovers love to point out those hypothetical situations as proof that more guns are needed. But try to point out that "good guys" with guns constantly shoot anybody they perceive as being a bad guy and you'll soon find out what the real argument of the "All it takes..." quote is. Because as we've seen from people who support Donald Trump's travel ban from countries with populations which have a zero percent rate of terrorist attacks on American soil in the last thirty years, they already know who the bad guys are. You would think the operative word in their pithy argument would be "gun" but the actual identifier of the bad guy is a dog whistle and a wink: dark skinned. In Professor John Jennings' essay, "Skin Cells" (published in Bitch Planet #8 (and possibly elsewhere?)), he states how his black body is inscribed by society "with the visual language of discrimination, fear, and violence." He also uses this quote by Claudia Rankine: "Because white men can't police their imagination, black men are dying." Societal beliefs and expectations are a virus which you've lived with for so long that you come to accept it as just a part of who you are. Many people truly believe the bad guy is dark skinned. Many people now believe the only real bad guy is Muslim. Somehow they conveniently ignore all of the mass killings perpetrated by white skinned individuals. I have a theory about that!

Don't I always have a theory about everything? I am, after all, a complete and utter individual whose confident voice of reason demands to be heard. Or at least that's what I've learned, having grown up white, male, and heterosexual. Oh wait. That's my theory! White people are seen as individuals who are responsible for their own actions and thus don't represent an entire group when they shoot up school or a church or a mosque or a Planned Parenthood. But dark skinned people are seen as representative of their entire race or religion and thus any crime perpetrated by one is an example of how all the rest will act. I guess that isn't much of a "my theory" as it is the generally accepted theory of how we view race in this country. Or at least a theory held by intelligent people who perceive reality and not people like my cousin Troy who find Super Bowl ads hilarious, thinks responding to facts by saying "Bullshit" is discussion, and likes pages like CarMax on Facebook because why?

I'm considering posting that on Facebook and then replying to it with "In before Troy can say 'Bullshit'." (The period belongs outside the quotes because Troy doesn't know about punctuation.)

The Review!
This comic book is hard to follow because it's two different stories published in an alternating schedule. All that really means is that I have to wait a month to read the next part of each story which, in yet another theory, should be fine since that's how people generally experience comic books. But knowing that I have a problem remembering stories from month to month, I began a blog to help me remember what happened the previous month. But now when I get a new issue of Wonder Woman, I reread my previous blog entry on Wonder Woman which discusses the story that I'm not about to read! I suppose I could reread the penultimate entry I've written but that's too much of a hassle. And by "too much of a hassle," I just mean anything that takes just a moment's extra thought and nearly no extra time at all.

What I'm trying to say is I forget what was happening in this story. But I also haven't read a Wonder Woman comic book for two months due to falling behind. So that's probably the main source of my inability to remember.

It turns out Wonder Woman, in her search for home, has fallen into a coma. Also a woman with a name-tag that reads Maru (probably Chris Carter's daughter) is killing government agents in her search for Wonder Woman. She's the woman with the scar on her face on the cover of this issue except somebody forgot to tell the cover artist, Liam Sharp (unless this is the variant cover and then it's Jenny Frison. Except I don't think it's Jenny Frison because I usually come in my pants when I see her art and that didn't happen when I looked at this cover), that the scar is supposed to look like a caduceus. That's probably a clue!

Wonder Woman quickly gets better. I don't mean all the way better. I just mean out of a coma better.

I think Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman have wound up on the island from Lost in their search for Themyscira. That must be why there's a Dharma logo on the cover for the Sprocket Station.

Did anybody ever do an I Ching reading of the Dharma logos? I should ask Lord Google about that. Here's a reading by NewSuez on losteastereggs, a blogspot blog:

"I chose these symbols for a reading on the internet and this is what it came up with...
The time is not yet right for you to act, so be patient: the transition from chaos to order is not yet complete. You are following the right path, but avoid disputes, and success will come to you in time.
Equal partnerships benefit. Act with humility to all people; restore balance between excess and dearth in order to be successful.
This is a good time for increased activity and prosperity, and maybe travel over water. Make the most of this time because it will pass. Be generous and do not seek unfair advantage over others.
Do not follow someone else's path. Be careful of dangerous situations: deceit and hidden objectives will be harmful, although honesty and honourable actions could be beneficial. Learn from these situations for the future.
There is good fortune, but this is not a time to relax. Be sure to consolidate what you have, or have gained. Act with caution and strive to maintain balance.
Everything is as it should be! Take opportunities as they arise, and act with conviction, but make sure you do not appear over-confident or 'immodest'.
Avoid excesses, and preserve what you have. You may need to accept a loss, but do so easily: greater benefit will replace the loss. Be restrained but flexible, and act with sincerity.
There is danger which must be acknowledged, and actions taken in quiet ways with the support of others. Greater prosperity will follow if you act fairly and with honour, and are cautious in your actions."

I would do an I Ching reading of the logo on the cover except I don't think it has entries for tentacles.

The theory that they're on the island from Lost isn't just a joke! The caduceus on Maru's face was one of the Dharma stations. In fact, all of the Dharma stations have some connection to Apollo. Which probably means something if I cared to spend any more time thinking about Lost than I already have in this lifetime.

That's what the captain of the Black Rock probably said! Oh! Steve Trevor keeps thinking about how they're trapped on a "rock" in the middle of the "Black" sea! Totally on the Lost island!

This island is also an island that can't be found and shouldn't be where it is. Coincidence? The island might also be a gateway to another place. This one to Themyscira, the island of Lost to Heaven (since it was, you know, Purgatory).

Maru (who is a Marina and not a Piper) lands on the island with her team, Poison. They rock the fucking faces off the hair band kids and then get their asses beat by jock Steve Trevor. He might kick the asses of Poison but not their leader, Marina Maru. She gets the drop on Wonder Woman and ends the battle because Steve Trevor hasn't seen the comic by Kerry Callen

Why the bracelets? Click through to find out!

Steve and Diana are rescued by some of Steve's or Etta's or Jack's or Locke's or Ben's friends. They leave the Island and escape although they'll probably have to come back later to finish finding Themyscira and Diana's past.

Diana is locked in a mental ward until she can metamorphose into Rebirth Wonder Woman. Right now, she's still really confused by all of that history between Crisis on Infinite Earths and now.

The Ranking!
-1! This was just a stupid love letter from Steve Trevor to Diana! Romance is stupid! And dumb! That might not be a fair assessment of this comic book but it's a completely biased assessment, which is all you'll ever get from me! I promise!

Blue Beetle #5

This is how I played basketball in junior high.

In junior high and high school, we got to pick from a variety of "sports" every quarter for physical education. What "sports" you were able to pick from depended on what teachers were teaching the period you were given P.E. At the top of my hierarchy of choices was weightlifting. Mostly because you sat on your ass all period. I usually worked on my legs and sang whatever song was playing on the radio a little bit too loud and then being really embarrassed when the girl I had a crush on would make note of it. Second on the list was ultimate Frisbee. Third was any sport with a racket. I preferred badminton but I never ruled out tennis. One time when we were choosing classes, I had to consider basketball because the girl I had a crush on, Marilyn Mendoza, was in line for basketball with her friends. But I hated basketball and even though I desperately wanted to be in the same class with her, I had to pick tennis. While dying from this junior high school Sophie's choice, Marilyn convinced her friends to get in the tennis line. I didn't realize at the time that she had a crush on me as well.

As I noted, basketball was the worst. I hated getting stuck with basketball, swimming, or soccer. Pretty much anything that had too much cardio!

This issue begins with the Green Beetle, Mordecai, attacking Jaime's mom's free clinic. Luckily Blur and her other Posse buddy, Fingerbangs, are there to save her.

Unluckily for Fingerbangs, nobody is there to save him. Ew.

Blue Beetle shows up to save his mom by distracting Mordecai. Mostly he distracts Mordecai by acting like a really squishy punching bag. Blur teleports the doctor away again but loses her the way Blur tends to lose people she teleports with. Jaime's mom winds up in a coffee shop with Sugar and Spike. They've taken a case for Ted Kord and it involves Jaime so they go after his mom. I can't imagine what kind of embarrassing past Jaime Reyes can have at fifteen. Maybe a rumor was started in junior high school that he masturbated into a breadbox. Yeah, I don't know why that would become a rumor either but it happened to a kid in my eighth grade class. It's kind of hard to own a rumor like that at that age. If it happened to me now, I'd just say, "A breadbox?! No way! Dozens of different socks, various plastic bags, rolls and rolls of paper towels, hotel ice buckets, every sink in every bathroom at every place I've ever worked, various places outdoors, the stairwell at the Portland State University library, under the sink in my college dorm until it looked like a massive candle had melted under there, and way too many other places to remember. But a breadbox?! Gross!"

I can think of lots of embarrassing reasons why Ted Kord would hire Sugar and Spike but I covered that last commentary. Although it is Rebirth Blue Beetle so he probably has a lot of new embarrassing moments from his superhero past.

The Posse arrive to save the day but that probably won't last long because they're just kids. Their day is going to need saving by Blue Beetle and Teri Magnus. It looks like Teri Magnus still has superspeed powers left over from her stint as a character in Justice League 3001. Teri and Ted pick up Jaime's family because he needs to explain to everybody exactly what's going on. He picks up Jaime too right after Mordecai is called away by his master.

Mordecai's master is imprisoned in a weird box underground guarded by the bugs Blue Beetle sleep-fought an issue or two ago. It seems Doctor Fate has been set to guard this prison. That must be why Doctor Fate knows so much about the scarab and how dangerous it is.

I still don't know which Doctor Fate this is. Maybe it's best for Rebirth if his or her secret identity is just never revealed.

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #4

I suspect Doctor Fate simply thinks Blue Beetle is a dream or a hallucination.

If the current Rebirth Doctor Fate is still Khalid, I will burn this motherfucking house to the ground. That should teach DC to not fuck with me.

This issue tells the tale of Blue Beetle's secret origin. It probably amounts to "Jaime Reyes was walking to school one day while casually brushing his hand against Brenda's outer thigh while she pretended not to notice. His penis was semi-erect and her vulva was slightly engorged. Then a space beetle stuck itself in his back and he was all, 'Goddammit!' The end."

The story is close enough to my telling that I don't really need to expound on it. Although at one point, Brenda begins speaking Old Portugese [sic]. Last issue, letterer Josh Reed decided to swear in the Old Portugese. I wonder if he says anything crude this time!

Brenda first says, "Aslpe, esdcv bmlcwp mwoalsk." Then she says, "Hgrd, pwor ixnf ksjd hino fc neurjf."

Since that's all nonsense, I'm going to assume Josh Reed was reprimanded and told to just make the alien language gibberish.

So the scarab fused to Jaime's spine and now he's become Ted Kord's pet project. Probably because Ted knew the previous owner of the scarab, Daniel Garrett, who drowned while Doctor Fate watched. Doctor Fate's penis was semi-erect.

Also in this story, Jaime holds hands with a girl. He could be fucking a girl but he let Blur get away. So now he's got to start way back at the beginning with talking and holding hands. Pee-yuke!

The Ranking!
No change!

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extraño's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

Midnighter and Apollo #3

I found the clitoris!

The Midnighter has discovered that Apollo is currently in Hell so now that's where he needs to go to rescue him. That's convenient because Midnighter was almost certainly already planning on visiting Hell to kill The Mawzir! Two birds and all that!

Recently, somewhere, I heard a person say, "Two stones, one bird." They meant it earnestly as if they were saying the actual saying instead of making it into a new saying that means the exact opposite of the saying they were going for.

The method Midnighter uses to go to Hell is the same one my mother assured me would send me there!

This reminds me of the jump rope counting song we used to sing: "If you can't handle the whole black candle, you won't be going to Hell! One inch, two inch, three inch, four! Five inch, six inch, take a little more!" Then you just count!

Some of you might be thinking, "What kind of fucked up kids use that as a jump rope rhyme?" You'd be forgiven for not knowing (or remembering) that I went to a Satanic Elementary School.

Meanwhile in Hell, Neron and Apollo enjoy a rousing game of "Mansion of Happiness." It's like an old timey version of the Game of Life except it doesn't try to teach kids that insurance is a good thing. Insurance is the worst! It's like placing bets on your own ill fortune. It's also a scam because without insurance, everything that any kind of insurance covers would cost far less than it actually does. Without insurance, you'd actually be able to save the money you use on insurance and pay for things insurance would have covered yourself! Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here but there's a reason laws are made demanding everybody buy into the system. Also, insurance is a socialist idea that capitalists are trying to profit from. It's a way to force everybody who isn't unlucky to pay for the accidents which befall those klutzy, unlucky jerks reaping the windfall of all of our monthly payments! But guess what? We're all paying far too much on our premiums because we're not only paying to help cover other people's costs incurred by their bad luck, we also have to pay the salaries of all of the employees! And advertising! And other costs like toilet paper for the insurance company's offices! And you aren't even assured that your insurance will cover you when you have bad luck because they'll try their damnedest to prove that you don't deserve the pay out! Fuck you, The Game of Life, for normalizing insurance in the minds of squishy headed youngsters thinking they're just having a good time!

I've totally simplified insurance to make my point but you get it, right? It's a total scam! See? This paragraph totally backs up that last paragraph! Proof of concept!

If a stupid game can reveal hidden truths, then why aren't I a doctor with a wife and five kids who somehow discovered the Mona Lisa while driving along the turnpike?

Apollo is all, "No way, dude! It's not pride! It's sacrifice! Didn't you ever play Ultima IV?! You're using Lord Blackthorn's charts from Ultima V, dum-dum!"

On his next turn, Apollo lands on murder. The square is really cute and adorable with DC Comics Cain murdering DC Comics Abel with a farm implement. I grew up in the city so I can only call anything with a wooden handle with a metal bit on the end a "farm implement." I'm sure they all have different names but I've never needed to know them, so why learn them? Except for a hoe but that was only for the prostitute jokes.

Back on Earth, Midnighter is hunting for the Ace of Winchesters. I thought it was last given to the Lords of the Gun by Bendix for their help in killing Apollo but I could be mistaken because I read Issue #1 so long ago! Even if that was the case, I'm sure Midnighter will be able to track down the gun because he needs it to kill The Mawzir. He can't go to Hell just to rescue Apollo. He's got to do some serious killing and maiming while he's there or this series will just be a boring romance film.

Midnighter is able to locate a bullet for use with the Ace of Winchesters, so that might be enough. Or he's just going to have to fuck up the Lords of the Gun until they decide they'd rather not have every one of their internal organs torn out and then shoved back in by way of their anal sphincter anymore and just give up The Mawzir.

Apollo and Neron finish their game of "Mansion of Happiness" in much the same way all attempts to play The Game of Life end: in an argument. Neron shoves the board from the table and tells Apollo nobody ever beats him, probably because he never lets anybody finish, the sore loser. As that's taking place, Midnighter is getting his kill boner going on some minor demons of Hell. He's finally arrived and he's going to make sure he enjoys every minute of it.

Midnighter's first task is to hunt down the Lords of the Gun, take the Ace of Winchesters from them, load the gun, and kill The Mawzir, all while trying not to be killed by The Mawzir, presumably. But right from the beginning, everything goes tits up.

I hope one of Midnighter's skills is reforging rifles.

The Ranking!
No change! This whole Mawzir thing is just making me want to reread Hitman. I hope my Hitman comic books aren't in my mother's basement in California!

Midnighter and Apollo #2

White covers like this make me realize I really need to clean the glass on my scanner. Gross.

I have an irrational hatred of Jason Todd fans who reblog my more upbeat and positive commentaries on Scott Lobdell's Red Hood series. It portrays me as more reasonable and sensible and forgiving of Scott Lobdell's writing than I'd like to be portrayed. Please only reblog the ones where I discuss learning how to sew so that I can travel back in time and stitch up Lobdell's mother's vagina.

Hmm. You know what? Don't read that last paragraph. Or forget that you read it because even though the sentiment is "I wish Scott Lobdell had never been born," it comes across as misogynistic and violent towards women. Maybe reread it as me reading the Wikipedia article on performing castrations so I can go back in time and visit Scott Lobdell's grandfather. Then I'll just threaten him with castration if he doesn't sew up his daughter's vagina. With my luck, I'll probably accidentally visit his father's father which won't change anything I wanted changed at all!

You know what? Don't read that second paragraph either! This has really started out in a dark and disgusting place. Even I'm embarrassed for myself! Not because I wrote it but because my sense of pride won't allow me to delete it. All of my words, no matter how ugly and deformed and malicious, are my babies! I can't destroy them! This is why writers need editors. Because editors are cold-blooded assholes with a wicked grin, bloodlust in their eyes, and drying baby word blood all over their boot heels. Fucking monsters!

The moral of the story is that Jason Todd is a terrible character. Although I will admit he's more entertaining than Tim Drake.

At the end of the last issue, Bendix set a trap to lock Midnighter in a bunker with him where Midnighter wouldn't be able to save Apollo from being sent to hell by the Mawzir. In the months since I read that issue, I've often woken up in a cold sweat and thought, "Stop writing about sewing up women's vaginas! Giving birth to Lobdellian monsters isn't their fault!" No wait. What I wake up thinking is, "How does Bendix think he's going to survive after having Apollo killed? What is left to keep Midnighter from dismantling Bendix one cell at a time?" Then I jerk off into a sock to get ready for my day.

It almost feels like I'm writing this commentary to purposefully drive away people who found my blog thanks to Gail Simone! I don't think I am! I mean, I think I might be! But not the on purpose part! You know how people say "The heart wants what the heart wants"? I hate those people. I mean, I should say also, "The brain wants what the brain wants." And if you sit down in front of a keyboard and just let your thoughts spill out of you without any filter, sometimes you're going to say things that are funny, and sometimes you're going to say things that even Hitler probably would think twice about saying. And you know Hitler, right? He was apparently the worst person in the world. Although we might have to re-calibrate that now that Twitter exists. Some people are truly terrible and not pretend terrible like I've totally pretending to have been earlier in this commentary. Right?

Did you buy that? Maybe I should just say for the record, since it might have been called into question by this point, I'm totally and completely against sewing vaginas shut. I'm not even sure how vaginas work or if that could stop a woman from having a baby. All I know about the female anatomy is a riddle I was asked in fifth grade that I didn't understand for years: Why can't the Go-Gos have babies? Because their lips are sealed.

For a nerdy Lobot motherfucker, Bendix isn't as smart as I would have thought he was programmed to be.

The gauntlet that Midnighter must run to escape from the Bendix's Samoan Bunker (that sounds like a dessert I might one day invent) consists of a swarm of eagles with lasers on their heads, a screaming holograph of Thomas Jefferson that shoots eyeball lasers, GI Robot, a hail of throwing stars and arrows, vanilla pudding dropped from the ceiling like boiling oil, and a pit full of hungry babies. Midnighter manages to get through it all in time to stop Mawzir from shooting Apollo in the head. But I still think he's too late because the cover of the third issue shows Midnighter at the gates of Hell.

The Mawzir flees from Midnighter for some reason. Maybe because Midnighter reminds him too much of Tommy Monaghan. Or maybe The Mawzir is just smarter than me and knows when it's gone too far. Not that I've ever gone too far! Pshaw!

Oh! I've got an aside. Don't worry, it isn't about how truly stupid Donald Trump is. It's about the other Republicans in our government! Hey, Republican voters? I'm a big time liberal pinktard (is that what you call us?) and I don't totally disagree with some of Republican policies. I mean, I disagree with all of them currently (and probably have sense they decided governing should be closely related to elementary school recess interactions without an adult supervising (as I perceive it, that was sometime in the 90s after Clinton was elected and they were all butthurt that they weren't in control of filling their pockets with corporate and lobbyist money)). What I'm suggesting, Republican voters, is fucking do something about the people you want representing you. They're all selfish assholes who only care about maintaining their position of power and easy income. They don't fucking care about anybody and Trump is the best example of these monsters you've decided are somehow representative of the white working class (they're not. I'm fucking white working class and I would never agree with anything any of these current load of smegma-smelling idiots ever). Oh, I guess this was a little bit about Trump.

Shit. I just realized that off-topic paragraph was probably a waste of time. This is a comic book about two gay dudes! Why would a Republican be reading it?!

Stop fucking the bullet wound and get him to a hospital, you sicko perv!

Midnighter decides to put Apollo in a room pumping in solar energy to try to bring him back to life. I really hope that we don't have to put up with an Apollo Boy and a Cyborg Apollo and Apollo Steel followed by Red and Blue Electric Powered Apollo! I don't know if I could go through that again and I didn't even really pay attention to it the first time.

When the infusion of solar radiation doesn't seem to be working, Midnighter visits some guy named Extraño to find out where Apollo's soul went. It's so fucking obvious he went to Hell. You know why I think that. You know. I mentioned earlier how I've already seen the cover to Issue #3.

Midnighter discovers Apollo is in Hell being tortured by Neron. Uh oh. Apollo is in for a terrible time. Not because he's in Hell! But because shit rolls downhill and Neron has just recently been shat all over by Constantine. He's definitely looking to make somebody else's life crazy miserable. And by life, I guess I mean death?

Midnighter decides he's going to go save Apollo. Do you think he already knows how this ends? I do and he'd better not fucking look back on the way out!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Reading well-written Midnighter stories makes me happy. It's like reading Batman stories but where Batman doesn't have a huge stick up his ass. Instead he has a huge dick up his ass! Har har! That joke was entirely too immature even for this blog because I really meant the thing about Midnighter being like Batman minus the stick up his ass. Comparing it to another thing that happened to me today — finding a used sanitary napkin on top of my work clothes — I'd say this is the best comic book I've ever read in my entire life! Also enjoyable today: using the term "sanitary napkin"! Now I'm picturing a vagina dabbing daintily at its ketchup-stained lips after removing the hot dog from its orifice. At a picnic, of course!

Wonder Woman #12

My gift to everybody this Christmas is that I'm going to treat these reviews seriously today. If you don't celebrate Christmas, just Google "inappropriate dick jokes" and sprinkle them throughout as you read.

Feminism is so important, guys. It's why books like this written by Greg Rucka are so important. He makes sure to always insert a bit of social commentary that points out terrible things the Patriarchy has taught people that it's okay to do. Like in one of the last ones, Diana asked Etta Candy if people still touch her hair. Like, OMG! Fuckers always going about trying to touch POC hair! That comment was like a kick to the neckbeard of the Patriarchy! Unless that just had to do with some other kind of social justice. Sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight! I mean sorted! I probably shouldn't use the term "straight" as a characteristic of order and keeping things proper because that perpetuates homophobia! Anyway, at least Rucka told that Frank Cho a thing or two about the length of Wonder Woman's skirt! I mean, I think it's okay to draw it short and to maybe see a little bit of Diana's undergarments if a woman draws it, or if a respectable man draws it. But Frank Cho draws all those pornographic covers so he totally had a major scolding and lecture coming!

This issue continues the Year One story arc. I'm glad it mentioned that on page two because I couldn't remember if this was continuing the story that takes place in the present or the one that took place in the past. I don't know why DC Comics doesn't put a summary page in their comics the way Marvel does. So what if all the Marvel fans start taunting DC Comics for copying something that Marvel does! Not only would it allow new readers to jump on board at any time, it will help older readers who can't remember anything they read a week prior! Plus it would stop people like Scott Lobdell wasting four pages each issue reminding readers what happened in the previous issue (and, usually, getting it all wrong anyway because he can't be bothered to take his job seriously).

Oh shit! I knew who Sappho was too! Does that mean everybody I've ever met that I told I knew Sappho thinks I'm a lesbian?

While Etta and Barbara investigate the terrorists, the Sear Group, Diana experiments with her new powers. Not only can she speak English now (thanks to her lasso), she can also talk to animals. Hmm, that's one more reason why Aquaman is just a redundant member of the Justice League. Steve Trevor learns that Wonder Woman left behind a female lover and when she's feeling vulnerable, he holds her hand! It might seem compassionate and romantic but I guarantee he had a semi growing in his pants. Guys are gross.

The Sear Group have a tattoo of a tree on their bodies. It's the tree that Diana saw on Paradise Island before leaving with Steve Trevor. It's the tree of knowledge with the serpent in it that bit her and drove her from her garden. It's all sorts of Christian imagery tied up in a tale of a Greek demi-goddess.

Wonder Woman interviews the Sear prisoners with her lasso and discovers they're forced to kill and destroy by some overarching will which they can't deny. It's about that time that Barbara realizes Sear is an anagram for ears. But then she crosses that out and notices it's also an anagram for Ares! And that's when Ares shows up to choke Steve Trevor and introduce himself to Wonder Woman. So I guess Ares as Wonder Woman's major antagonist is good enough for Rebirth Wonder Woman. Probably because he's a man who represents war. Those are like two of the main things Wonder Woman is destined to crush!

Well, maybe not all men! Just some men! Like, the really bro ones! But not the ones like me who say all of the right things when there are women in earshot!

The Ranking!
No change! I think I fucked up my Christmas promise and didn't take this as seriously as I meant to! In fact, I even sounded like I was mocking feminism! That was probably a poor choice for a review of Wonder Woman. Unless you're a jerko male who took what I was saying seriously and thought, "I should read more of this person's blog!" Then, yeah, I totally meant it and wasn't being snarky at all! But if you're a woman or a guy who wants women to take him seriously, I was totally just fooling around and being a huge idiot! You can't take anything I say seriously because I'm unable to tell the truth. Mostly it's because I can't help telling the truth as well and the only way to hide my true statements that I'm ashamed or embarrassed by is to sprinkle them in with a bunch of lies so nobody knows what I think at all!

Wonder Woman #10

Is this doing it?!

Trump supporters pretending to be Clinton supporters because they're the actual precious snowflakes who can't take criticism be like:

Meanwhile, Trump is over here being all:

I readily admit I have no power. But even if I did, I would never use that power to try to silence people. Debate isn't about getting the side you don't agree with to shut up. Debate is about pointing out how dumb the other side is! And to do that, you have to let them keep saying stupid things which you can then mock relentlessly. If a whole new generation is going to have to live with the specter of nuclear holocaust because a bunch of sad-eyed voters got their feelings hurt and decided to stick it to the intellectual elite (who dared to know better and to know that they knew better!), I'm at least going to feel sanctimonious in my childish taunts of a supremely unintelligent and selfish manchild that seeks to dismantle the American system at the foundation. I will also relentlessly mock the people who continue to support this blatantly moronic trainwreck of a man despite how troubling and terrible his statements and actions have been since becoming president elect (also before! I just mean I'm specifically focusing on his post-election idiocy).

I guess renewing the arms race (this time hand-in-hand with Putin as they decide which country full of Muslims to nuke first) isn't as terrible as a nobody comic book blogger with no power at all pointing out that Donald Trump might be the dumbest Republican puppet president yet. Obviously I include Reagan in that statement. He was the beginning of the Republican presidents who are just mouthpieces for corporations and the wealthy. Of course you can't get enough votes to win if that's your base so they also go whole hog on being pro-gun and anti-abortion. People don't mind voting in people who will make their lives terrible as long as those people promise all the guns forever and no more salty Jesus tears.

And now, Wonder Woman!

Last issue was all about shopping and dating. This issue is all about shopping and dating except five years ago. So it's totally different and more magical and tinged with that sweet yet sour nostalgia dipping sauce. Also Wonder Woman can't speak English yet. Why can't she be more like Starfire and learn English by engaging in oral sex? Then the entire comic book wouldn't be her and Cheetah having a conversation while Steve Trevor constantly interjects with "Did she just say she likes my boner? She did, right?"

You know who else likes her outfit? Steve's boner.

The first thing Etta Candy wants to do is get a margarita in Diana. The second thing Etta wants to do, I bet, is get a tongue in Diana! I see where this is going, Ms. Candy, and I don't approve! How about getting Diana's consent free of alcohol before you both get drunk and engage in oral sex on a diaper changing station in the mall bathroom?

Over lunch, they discover that Diana's golden lasso allows everybody to understand everybody else.

It also translates creepy stares and bulging crotches for Diana who, never being around men, had no idea what those things meant.

While they're enjoying lunch, a bunch of gunmen storm the mall and begin shooting shoppers. While helping Steve Trevor stop the assailants, Wonder Woman learns she not only has super strength but super speed as well. And she's particularly adept at blocking bullets with her bracelets. Or bracers. Or, for the particularly nerdy and pedantic, vambraces. I hope the reaction to that statement is particularly nerdy and pedantic and I'm schooled on how Wonder Woman's bracers aren't anything like vambraces!

Diana also discovers she's mostly invulnerable when she sits on a grenade. Oh, and she can fly. So that's most of her powers worked out. It'll be some time before she learns of her super compassion and her super prostate massage powers.

The new team learn that Sears, Roebuck & Company are behind the attacks. They're probably having financial difficulties and targeting people who abused the Craftsmen Tools lifetime warranty.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. Okay fine. I'm beginning to enjoy this comic book much more than I was during the Urzkatarga bit. Plus Nicola Scott's art is pleasing.

Midnighter #12

I hope not! Midnighter for president!

The Review or Whatever!
Abraham Lincoln once said, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach-around. So you get what we got where you get what you thought you were getting but got what we got here last night. I don't like mint any more than you do." That's how I feel right now!

Not surprisingly, this issue is called "Midnighter". Did Steve Orlando just win a bet with somebody about how many issues in a row he could use the same title for his comic book?

It's that time of month, ladies and gentlemen! Hmm. Who thought up calling men "gentlemen"?! That makes it sound like we're all terrible and we have to distinguish between men who have raised themselves above their base nature so that they can manage to behave in mixed groups? Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense.

Anyway, it's that time of the month! The time when I get to read a comic book that I love reading! Yay! Don't listen to the haters that don't like the Midnighter comic book because it makes their hetero parts feel all icky inside! I'm hetero and I love Midnighter (in a totally gay way). I also realize it's not cool to proclaim that you're hetero. I should at least leave a little wiggle room in there to suggest that there's a chance I might want to stick a big fat veiny penis into my mouth. That's weird. Is your mouth watering? Why did my mouth start watering?

Recently in this big fat veiny comic book, Amanda Waller thought it might be a good idea to deal with the devil. The devil in this case is Henry Bendix and his idea to make America great again is to have it stomp to death any country that so much as rolls an eye at democracy! Now his Supermanesque creation, The Unified, is smashing Modora to pieces and killing everybody in its borders because it offended the United States. Maybe Modorans also attacked the United States as well. Remember how a group of them ruined Midnighter's date earlier? And then they attacked a carnival in Coast City? Well, you can't do that to America and believe that your country's infrastructure and civilians will be left in peace! Holy fuck! Haven't the Modorans been paying attention?! Don't fucking piss off America, dude!

Although, to be fair to America (for some reason), it really is just Henry Bendix who currently feels this way. He's kind of more a super-villain than a good guy in the way Donald Trump is. Except he's intelligent. And Henry looks more human, even with the robot shit on the sides of his head.

Since Henry Bendix is being a dick, Amanda Waller breaks his neck. I'm sure he'll be okay! She then tells the Suicide Squad to work with Midnighter, Apollo, and Spyral to defeat The Unified. The only problem is one of her new Squad is Multiplex and his only goal in life is to kill Midnighter. It was his birthday gift to Midnighter and Midnighter loves it!

The Unified decides to give a little speech as he murders civilians.

Ouch! I think The Unified just hurt his own American feelings, and maybe possibly just justified 9/11.

Apollo begins beating up The Unified because that's the correct match-up. I know Midnighter's name is on the cover and he's a complete bad-ass who can probably defeat anybody in the DC Youniverse (except Batman) but The Unified is more up Apollo's alley (not an anal sex joke). Although Apollo respects the name on the cover and only maims The Unified before dropping him back into the battle to be killed by Midnighter.

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix quickly recovers from his broken neck and escapes. Nice job, Amanda! Now that asshole is going to be loose in the Afterbirth Universe!

So anyway, Midnighter blows up The Unified's head and saves Modora. Helena thanks him and Apollo stands around shirtless. The End! Except for the epilogues.

Epilogue One: Midnighter tells Whats-her-name in the God Garden to get off his back.

Epilogue Two: Midnighter finishes his tell-all interview.

Epilogue Three: Amanda Waller sticks a hot dog down her throat. Um, also she kind of makes nice with Midnighter. I guess he's going to be on call for a lot of shady groups! You know, if they're doing the right thing, that is.

Epilogue Four: Midnighter gets a drink at Jason's bar.

Epilogue Five: Apollo and Midnighter get back together. With kisses and doing-its and everything! Now it's the end! It's a good ending but also a bad ending because this has been one of my favorite comic books and consistently good every month. Now what? I have to write Midnighter fanfic?

The Omega Men #11

There are plenty of reasons why this comic book is so much better than most of its competition. Turning the Green Lantern symbol into the Omega symbol is simply not ignoring the balls.

The Review!
Super hero comic books too often wind up not being about anything except super hero comic books. So now we get stories deconstructing the ideals and myths which were commonly excepted tropes for decades. How would people actually react to a world full of super powered people? What if the super heroes weren't infallible and could be corrupted by their own power? What steps would the government take to control the perceived menace? If we're not getting stories about the negative reaction people would have to the super heroes, we constantly get the story where the heroes teach regular people that they're the actual heroes. Everybody is actually Batman! Everyone is actually Superman! We are in control of our own lives and thank you, super heroes, for giving us that message! It's exhausting! Although not in an intellectually exhausting manner! The stories are never subtle about who is in the right and who is totally fucking wrong. Although sometimes I think Superman is being a complete and utter dick but the story is hitting me over the head with some stupid fucking message about how he's doing the right thing even though he obviously isn't. So maybe I'm just tired of writers who can't write complex stories without having to explain them in long-winded narration boxes that often contradict the actions of the character. Maybe I'm just tired of being told, by the writer and the first person narration of the main character, how I'm supposed to feel and the conclusions I'm supposed to draw.

Sometimes I just want to read a book that can't fucking decide if the hero is inspiring or terrible! I want a book that lets me decide who to support! Although, to be fair, putting "The Omega Men" right on the cover kind of makes me think I'm supposed to agree with their view of the universe. And who is actually reading this book and siding with The Citadel anyway (you know, since politicians and CEOs probably aren't reading it)? So maybe this is a bad example of a comic book with an ambiguous message that doesn't offer any easy answers. This book hasn't really tried to be subtle about the black eye it's intending to give America's foreign policy and America's kowtowing to corporate interests. Maybe I should have begun with an off-topic thought like usual.

Is it bad that I drive around in Grand Theft Auto laughing hysterically as I run people over or would it be worse if I were totally stoic and serious about it?!

This month, The Omega Men gather an army and march into the Citadel's headquarters. That's pretty much the summation of the entire issue. Trying to summarize something so well put together and make stupid dick jokes about it would be an insult to the work. The meat of the story is how the characters go about convincing each world to join the war against the Citadel. The actual action, the war, the battles...they're all skimmed past in a few pages detailing half an Earth year's worth of conflict. Some writers would have made a huge mistake and swapped those ratios and concentrated on huge double splash pages of heroic battle and stupid one liners. I don't know if Tom King would have spent longer on the war if given more than twelve issues of The Omega Men. Whatever the case, it's better this way. Sometimes writers are tempted to fill pages with nonsense or simple action because they have no actual deadline for a story. In fact, it's the exact opposite where the writer knows that the comic just keeps going and going, so why not pad the story as much as possible to fill up as many pages as possible to extend one story for as many issues as possible? I really wouldn't mind if all of DC's comics simply became four, six, or twelve issue mini-series! Because then the writer would be forced to pitch an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end with a fucking reason for existing. Until then, we'll just keep getting pitches for stories for things like "Superman battles the most powerful intergalactic monster he's met to date for five issues until he finally wins in the last issue through sheer force of willpower and heart!"

Midnighter #10

This is going to be an analogy about sucking cock, right?

Whenever anybody begins any sentence with "Even as a kid...", I know I'm talking to one of the most boring fucks alive. Because you know that sentence is going to end with explaining to me how mature and adult their thought process was when they were young. Who wants to brag about that?! "Even as a kid, I had a huge fucking stick up my ass and couldn't completely lose myself in nonsense and whimsy." Some of you might be thinking, "Tess, what does this have to do with Midnighter?" Others of you might be thinking, "Welcome back, Tess! We've missed you!" You see, I've made a decision. I'm probably going to write a lot more of these than I have been but not as many as I used to. If I'm feeling in the mood, I'll possibly write one per day until the end of the comic book week and then I'll finish up the stack with short reviews. If I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to fucking worry about how huge my stack of comics are and just write other shit I want to write. I'm also going to masturbate more to the sound of women masturbating. Oh. You know what. Forget that last part. That was probably too much information.

It's sentences like that one about masturbation that keep me from getting advertising on this site! So click the Donate button and help a brother buy some female masturbation porn.

When last issue ended, Midnighter was getting his ass kicked by some guy named Thinkfast! or Monday Morning Quarterback. Or something. It was an exciting fight because Midnighter was all, "I can see what you're going to do before you even do it!" And Thinkfast! was all, "I already saw that you saw what I was going to do and decided to do something that you didn't know I was going to do!" And Midnighter was all, "Ouch!" Thinkfast! was a new member of the Suicide Squad who were after Midnighter because he took that thing they were trying to take which was some pistol that shoots demons.

Midnighter's buddy (I hate to use the term "buddy" if he's Midnighter's boyfriend but I can't remember their relationship so "buddy" will have to do) has been left at the scene to chastise Helena Bertinelli when she shows up.

I hate when other people try to manipulate me! And I'm, um, conveniently blind when I manipulate others.

Midnighter is allowing himself to be held by Amanda Waller while he finds out what she wants from him. Amanda needs to remember that no comic book exists called "Amanda Waller" and so she's always going to be the one being fed her own asshole by the person who does have their name on the cover of a comic book. I suppose "Suicide Squad" is technically her book where she gets to prepare and serve other people's assholes but only occasionally. Often she has to watch as Deadshot or Harley fry her asshole up in a pan until it's medium rare and then serve it with a little garnish and some mashed potatoes.

Here we see Amanda Waller taking the opportunity to practice serving up asshole. She's excellent at it!

Amanda threatens Midnighter for a bit before he escapes his bonds and begins killing her guards. She leaves the room with a smile so it's possible Amanda wanted this to happen. That's the problem with a sneaky git like Waller! She's better than Bertinelli--Hell! She's better than Batman!--at manipulating the people around her. Hopefully before Midnighter escapes Belle Reve, Deadshot will catch up with him for that dick measuring thing.

Midnighter escapes using a Squad ship which is able to track down the Suicide Squad who are currently moving Henry Bendix to a safer location. Bendix is just as big a jerk in the DC Youniverse as he was in the old universe whose name I forgot. Just DC Universe, maybe? So while Amanda wants to keep him safe so they can work together on a project to enslave humanity, the Suicide Squad might not care enough about his safety to risk getting murdered by Midnighter. Although according to the cover, Parasite won't be able to resist snacking on Midnighter.

Best panel since The New 52 began or best panel ever?

I was exaggerating in that last caption. I didn't actually mean that was the best moment in DC Comics over the last four years. I just meant it was a fucking good moment. But then I realized that declaring something the best on the internet is just asking for a bunch of people to start telling me the actual best moments (all different) and who the fuck wants to hear a bunch of people with awful opinions tell me things that aren't even close to being true?

Although if people wanted to point out some of their favorite moments, I wouldn't totally dismiss them outside of my own private thoughts.

Midnighter dodges a bunch of bullets before he finds the one bullet that will hit him in a spot that will fool Lawton into thinking he's dropped Midnighter but which won't actually hurt that badly. Then when Deadshot closes in on Midnighter instead of shooting him from a distance because Deadshot is apparently stupid, Midnighter crushes Lawton's hands. Too bad for Midnighter, Parasite has begun siphoning away Midnighter's healing powers. Although too bad for everybody who isn't Midnighter, Midnighter never loses. So this whole bit where the Squad suddenly has the upper hand? That'll be over in a few pages. Unless this is the shocking cliffhanger ending! And then we'll just have to wait another month before Midnighter defeats everybody and fucks the prince.

Turns out this is the cliffhanger ending! Midnighter is thrown unconscious onto the ship he flew in on and shot up into the sky where Harley triggers it to self-destruct. Maybe this wasn't a cliffhanger ending at all! Maybe this was just an ending! How come cliffhanger endings never end poorly? Is the hero coming out of it alive a necessary part of the cliffhanger? Would this still be a cliffhanger if next issue was just twenty pages of debris and pieces of Midnighter raining down over the city?

Midnighter #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why isn't this book surviving the Rebirth? Why do people hate Midnighter? Especially when he's written this well? Especially when he's having exciting adventures? Especially when his sexuality is being treated with dignity? It's also possible that DC screws all of its minor characters by concentrating on Superman and Batman which creates a fan base that only likes Superman and Batman and doesn't buy anything without those characters in it thus forcing DC to concentrate even more on just Superman and Batman. Maybe DC plans on making Midnighter the main star of Action Comics!

The Omega Men #6

If you're not reading this comic book, you're missing out on the best DC Comics of the year.

If I owned a comic book shop, I would have the first six issues of Omega Men displayed proudly behind the counter because the covers are fantastic. Then I would point out how everybody should probably be buying The Omega Men from my store. Then I would make fun of all of the other comic books they've purchased. Then they would never shop at my store again. Then I would go bankrupt. Then I would write a note saying, "I regret nothing except the fact that I was too stupid to regret anything and make some serious changes in my life!" Then I would hang myself from the rafters. Then I would be found months later because nobody shopped at my comic book shop anymore because I committed the cardinal sin of critiquing their purchases.

I'm not a great businessman.

Apparently Primus, Tigorr, and Kalista were not killed at the end of the last issue when they were ambushed inside the Church of Changralyn. They've been captured instead which seems like something terrorists don't want to happen. I guess their living suicide bomb Kyle didn't manage to go off when the first responders arrived. It's also possible they have a different plan for Kyle but it doesn't involve drawing comic books so they needed to get into a position to retrieve his ring.

Or the entire movement could just be a viral campaign to sell more breakfast cereal.

Kyle Rayner is currently getting the bomb removed from his throat while the rest of the Omega Men (minus Scrapps and the Doc who escaped, and Broot who died and went to hell (maybe?)) are being questioned as to why they needed him for their terrorist activities. That's probably a mistake. It's possible The Citadel didn't get the memo that this comic book has been allowed to run twelve issues which means letting The Omega Men live for any reason is a bad idea. Although people in power are generally filled with the kind of hubris that makes them think things like, "This comic book is going to last another six issues. So I guess I have six issues to torture the Omega Men before I kill them since they certainly will not escape our clutches at all!" Another likely scenario is that none of the characters actually know they're in a comic book at all.

Scrapps and Doc are headed for the one planet in the Vega System not under the thumb of The Citadel. The planet Hyn'xx has managed to escape well-meaning government occupation which would bring sorely needed supplies, technology, protection, civilization, and a general sense of safety and well-being by erecting a shield around their planet to keep everybody away. No wait. That's the planet Voorl! The planet Hyn'xx is the one where everybody was allowed to do whatever they wanted to do because they knew about bread and buttering the right side and maybe also sucking government cock and showering it with loads of the local currency and precious metals. But the planet isn't what Scrapps and Doc are interested in. They're just following a radio signal being emitted by the locator that was placed in Kyle Rayner's neck. And that signal leads them right to the satellite headquarters of the leader of The Citadel. I forget what he's called. Probably Imperator or Emperor or Perfectly Legitimate Democratically Elected Leader.

I bet Gandhi would have secretly loved this book.

Scrapps invades the space station as Kalista remembers the time she recruited Scrapps, Primus and Tigorr remember when they were recruited by Kalista, and Kyle Rayner prays. It seems as if Kalista's plan for the total destruction of The Citadel began to seriously manifest after she met Scrapps. And it seems Scrapps told her what really happened to Voorl. It's beginning to sound a lot like planetary genocide and less like total resistance. And possibly only Scrapps escaped. Can she be the new Lobo?

Scrapps rescues the Omega Men while murdering a lot of good government soldiers. They need the key and Kyle Rayner to enact their plan (and probably Rayner's White Lantern ring) but Kyle has escaped thanks to the power of prayer. Or maybe the power of struggling with his bonds and breaking free due to increased adrenaline and overloading systems? Whatever. I'm sure either way it was a miracle and the will of God.

I'm actually glad Kalista makes a point of acknowledging that this is all just their plan gone completely fubar as they try to salvage it the best they can. It's kind of refreshing to have a leader without a plan that only an omniscient being could have really pulled off. Tom King understands the crutches of comic book writing tropes and refuses to be a part of the system. He's like...well, I can't think of something to compare him to but I'm sure it's staring me right in the face.

As the space station falls out of orbit, The Omega Men search for Rayner while Rayner, presumably, searches for his ring. He knows it's on the finger of Lord High Dildo. The ring is probably the only thing that will save the terrorists at this point. Do I want the terrorists to survive? I'm not sure I've seen enough violence and destruction to be convinced that their world is better than a world where I'm constantly told that I'm safe as long as I continue to not complain about how shitty the people in authority treat everybody else. Best to just stick my nose in books and video games and pretend the rest of the universe doesn't exist and cannot intrude to damage my perception that everything is perfectly fine.

The space station crashes into the planet's surface. It was a partially controlled descent which is the excuse I'm making up to believe that everybody survived. It might not look like they all survived but Kalista is speaking when Kyle Rayner finds her to explain that it's their chance to get away while the terrorists are unconscious and probably not dead at all because The Omega Men don't have that many members to burn through in the first half of the story. Kyle apparently still buys the whole Kalista is a hostage nonsense. So the bomb comes to Kalista and now she can finish her plan if she doesn't die from internal bleeding first.

The Omega Men #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I've been reading all of DC's comics for the past four years now and I've come to this conclusion: comic books should stop with the open-ended series business. Giving a writer a job where all they really need is a title or premise or character as the premise for their ongoing book just encourages them to vomit up any old bullshit story they can think of to make their deadlines. Sprinkle in some nonsense hooks that may or may not play out during each story to make the reader believe more is going on than just an overpowered fist fight and a writer thinks they're doing a great fucking job. I'm more than a little bit sick of reading what amounts to writing an essay the night before it's due. I suppose I can choose to read more actual books, or more independent comic books, or just watch movies! But I like mainstream superhero comic books. Unless I just like writing shit about them? No, I think I really like them for some reason I can't quite make up. I just want more mainstream superhero comic books like The Omega Men. I want stories which have been plotted out and which take place in fleshed out worlds with motivated characters. I want less books like Cullen Bunn's Aquaman and more books like Tom King's anything he writes. Or more books like the original twenty issues of Elfquest! Maybe the real problem is that I'm not fangendering correctly. I'm supposed to not give a shit about the story and just love characters so much that I buy whatever they appear in and then bitch and moan constantly when a writer isn't writing them to my perceived notion of the correct way to write the character. I think, maybe, I want too much from the medium. Maybe I should just reread everything by Chris Ware.